I knocked on Zecora's door. What are you gonna try after this inevitably fails? Have some faith, this'll work. Zecora opened the door.

"Cloud," she greeted, "you're back sooner than I expected." She looked at Vesper perched on my back. "I see that the prank worked well." She looked back to me. "I assume you've come here for me to mix the potion and return her to her normal state?"

"About that..." I started. "I may or may not have forgotten to get DNA, so..." Zecora's eyes widened.

"What?! But without it-!"

"Yeah, we know. She didn't transform that long ago, is there any way to reverse it without the DNA?" She shook her head.

"No. I cannot create the counter potion without her specific DNA as a Pony." Vesper dug her talons deep into my back.

"Gah! Buck!" I twisted my head around to look at her. "Don't do that! There are still ways to fix this!" Like what?! "Time travel of course!"

"Are you... Talking to yourself?"

"No, I started a psychic connection between us so we could communicate."

"Oh. Unicorns are so overpowered..."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Okay. I'm gonna go into the past and get some DNA, I'll be back soon."

"Wait, what?" I teleported Vesper and I back to the library and walked over to the KGBNRB.

"I kinda regret putting all of the controls on the roof. It's cold out today." You seem weirdly relaxed. Why? "The solution is simple, I just go into the past, take some DNA from you as a Pony, come back with it, take it to Zecora and then have her make the potion. It's simple." Hopefully, but the traversal of time and space has a history of being awkward and difficult. "Nice pun." Thanks.

I spent about twenty minutes moving the controls and the seat for them inside the vehicle, I was ready to drive us to Canterlot and talk to God-Horse about sending me back in time yet again. So I did. Ten out of ten, me. If you're really gonna commentate everything like this, would you turn off the psychic link spell first?

We reached Canterlot and made our way to the castle. Well, I made my way there. Vesper rode on my back. Can birds take painkiller? 'Cause I'm bucking tired of hearing you describe everything!

After two minutes of trying to convince the guards to let me in, I gave up and flew in through a window. Celestia was playing chess with Luna. Seems a bit more normal than usual... She smiled upon seeing me.

"Ah, Cloud," she greeted. "I'm surprised you didn't go with the others to the Crystal Empire, though it does help in getting the prophecy back on track seeing as you normally interrupt the opportunities."

"Hey God-Horses," I greeted back. "The test you gave Twilight was to try and sort out the prophecy?"

"In a way. It sets up many opportunities to get it fully on track. Anyway, what brings you here today? And why do you have a pet?" That mother bucking...

"The phoenix is Vesper." There was an awkward silence.

"Oh. Can she understand me?" Vesper cawed. "I see. Then I apologise for my previous comment. Why is Vesper a phoenix?"

"Well..."

"...And so I need you to send me back in time to get some DNA." Celestia was face double hoofing and Luna was gaping.

"You bucking idiot..."

"Wait, could you not just use the cup from which she drank the potion?" Asked Luna.

"No, she destroyed it before she transformed," I replied. "So can one of you send me back?"

"Yes, I will send you-" Celestia suddenly stopped talking and gained an expression of realisation. "But... Was that something I did...?"

"What?"

"There are some things I must check up on before I can send you into the past. Come back in about an hour or so."

"Uh, okay." I was about to fly back out the window but stopped just before. "Oh, and would you tell your guards that I'm allowed in whenever? Having to break in every time I need to see you is pretty annoying."

"Yes, yes, sure. If I did do that, then..." I flew out the window and landed in the streets below. What do we do in the meantime?

"I dunno, probably get lunch or- Shit! I forgot about the pizzas!" They'll be fine, I know I good spell to heat them back up. Presuming I get turned back... "You will, the plan is great. Anyway, let's go get lunch." What food place will serve a phoenix? "I could go to one of those restaurants designed for you to eat with your pets." Are you bucking serious? "Do you want food?" ...Fine...

I started looking for restaurant that allowed pets.

We were sitting at a table outside a restaurant waiting for somepony to take our order. Soon, a good looking, Earth Pony mare trotted towards us in a waitress skirt. She gasped when she saw Vesper and rushed to us quickly.

"Oh my gosh!" She exclaimed. "You have pet phoenix?! Where did you get him?!"

"She, uh, was a gift from my daughter," I replied. Smooth. Thanks.

"She's so pretty! Can I pet her?"

"Sure." Behave. Are you using me as a bargaining chip to try and get laid? Maybe. Vesper nuzzled into the mare's hoof as she was stroked. You owe me for this. I really, really do.

"Oh, wow!" I extended a hoof to her.

"I'm Cloud Calculation, nice to meet you." Wow, you're bad at this. You do realise the point isn't for you to suck at this, it's for her to suck- Shut up!

"Oh! I haven't introduced myself!" She shook my hoof. "It's nice to meet you too, I'm Violent Rapist!"

What.

What.

What.

"What."

"Trust me, it's just my name. My parents were plot-holes."

"Um... I think I'm ready to order now..." Did that just happen? I think it did...

After finishing our lunches, I flew us back into the castle. Celestia was waiting for me.

"Are you ready to send me back now?" I asked.

"There would be no point," she replied. What?

"What do you mean?"

"When a Pony is sent backwards or forwards in time, a DNA destruction spell is automatically cast onto them. Any DNA that does not immediately belong to the traveler is destroyed to avoid bringing along evolved illnesses and creating an enormous paradox."

"Wait, so-?"

"Even if you went into the past and collected the DNA, it would be destroyed on the trip back. Vesper is stuck as a phoenix forever." For the second time that day, there was a deafening silence.

"There's really no way at all?"

"There is not."

"Well then. I dun goofed." Celestia nodded.

"You dun goofed." You bucking moron...

Author's Notes:

He dun goofed.

---

The characters keep going on about this being the second timeline (the first being the time Cloud became a murderer), but this is technically the third.

Can anyone guess why?

Answer: Vesper went back at the start of season two, so the reason she was born was because she need to be. In the actual second timeline, Cloud would have been thrown into the R63 'verse by Discord when battling him, and Sky to this one fighting Eris. They would have won against each other's versions of the chaos gods and then got it on normally, but Vesper stopped this by fighting Discord herself and creating the arc where she was nearly erased from existence.