I flew through Celestia's bedroom window just as she came in through the door. She looked at me and smiled.

"Hello, Cloud," she greeted. "What brings you to my room? And why did the maid leave my window unlocked?"

"I-! Wait, what was that last part?" I asked.

"Oh, nothing, do not worry about it. Please continue with your message."

"I've found the intruder! It's M-" Celestia quickly cast a muting spell on me.

"No! Do not tell me! It will ruin the surprise!" I raised an eyebrow at her as she un-muted me.

"Seriously? Canterlot is in potentially extreme danger and you want to culprit's identity to be a surprise?" Celestia shot me a strange look.

"Are you feeling okay? You're talking like Remover."

"I've been thinking all science-y and detective-y today so it's translating into my speech patterns. It'll wear off later."

"Well, if you insist."

"So what do you want me to do? Just wait until they're about to strike and then be like 'Ha ha! I know you're evil anyway!'?"

"Something like that. Actually, tomorrow is the wedding rehearsal and I have a great idea for it! Will the shapeshifter be there?"

"At the rehearsal? Yeah." Celestia giggled and clapped her hooves together like a filly.

"This will be hilarious!" I rubbed the back of my head awkwardly.

"If you insist..."

"I have actually wanted to try this idea for a while."

"What idea?"

"Okay, so; you know how gold absorbs magic?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, what if you filled the air with micro fragments of gold? Magic in that area would be disrupted!"

"I... Guess? Where's this going? Are you gonna flood the room with gold laced air? 'Cause that wouldn't help with fighting them."

"No-no-no, you have it all wrong. The gold gas is an idea I've had for a while, but this is more... Beta testing. I want to try the same thing with water, or liquids in general. Then I could get Ponies to start developing anti-magic poisons!"

"Why would you want that?! It'll be more of a danger to you than your enemies!"

"Because it is a cool idea I thought of myself and also buck you. With testing of the gold water, we can start tests with gold gas and create clouds of anti-magic!"

"Okay, so you want me to poison the shifter?"

"No, I want to do external testing first. I'll create a bottle of gold water, then you douse whoever the shifter is in the middle of the rehearsal!"

"Why don't I just tell you and you arrest them?" Celestia pouted.

"Spoilsport..." I rolled my eyes and sighed.

"Fine, I'll disrupt their magic with gold water." Hmm... That brings up a question I should have asked months ago... "How much magic can gold absorb anyway? Is there even a limit?"

"Yes, there is a limit. The small particles of gold in the water will not absorb much, they will mostly act as a disruptor rather than a complete remover. However, when they are revealed you can fight them without worry and I shall finally have front row seats to one of your fights!"

"Is that what this is about? If you really wanna see me fight you could just ask, Vesper and I fight all the time. It's pretty good practice actually."

"I could, but it would not be the proper thing. Luna already got to see you at your best, or at least your old best, and I want to see it myself!"

"Alright, alright, I'll try to do your plan. But if I have to, I'll fight them normally or in private." Celestia held out her hoof.

"Deal." I shook her hoof. "I shall start developing the gold water, you should get some rest."

"Okay." I started walking towards the door but stopped when I remembered something. "Oh, who won the pancake contest?" Celestia looked sad.

"Sadly, I was bested by my sister..." She suddenly threw her hooves upwards with an angry expression on her face. "I will win next time, Luna!" She shouted.

"'Kay then. Goodnight, God-Horse."

"Goodnight, Alien." I left her room and started walking down the hallway. Wait, where am I staying? Twilight probably knows. I'll go ask her then.

I knocked on Twilight's bedroom door. I always forget that she has a room in the castle since she pretty much grew up here... I heard her call out from inside, so I entered.

It was a big room, about the same size as Celestia's bedroom. It was hard to tell though, as enormous bookshelves were stacked against every wall leaving not much space in the middle of the room for a bed and a desk. Twilight was sitting at the desk, messing around with machinery. I walked over to her to see what it looked like.

It looked like machinery. Great.

"Hey, Twilight," I greeted. Twilight grunted in return. "What's wrong?"

"Oh, nothing," she snarled without looking up from the metal and wires. "It's just that none of friends believe what I tell them. I'm obviously too possessive about my brother and Cadence definitely isn't an evil bitch!"

"Is that including Vesper and I, or...?" Twilight sighed and put down her tools.

"No. I just..." She sighed again and looked towards me. "Why do they all always get like this? One minute we're all best friends and the next they're all accusing me of doing something stupid and being too paranoid." I put my hoof over her shoulders to try and comfort her.

"I don't know. But you're not being paranoid about Miyamoto, she's worse than Rainbow used to be. Don't worry about it though, I'm getting it dealt with. As for the others..." I sighed. "Ponies are bucking weird. No offense." Twilight snorted.

"None taken."

"It's like when I went into that parallel universe to meet slash bang Sky. I thought she'd be just like me but without a dick, and at first she seemed like she was; she knew when to break out into awesome songs with me, she repeated 'what' when she couldn't even and she was taking advantage of male you's hospitality. Then she was boring and didn't want to bang which was the opposite of when I met alternate timeline me. He was awkward rather than boring. Also we banged." Twilight looked completely confused.

"What?"

"That day, I learned that-"

"Wait-wait-wait, what was that about an alternate timeline?"

"You know, when I had to go into the past and beat myself up?"

"When did you do that?"

"It was, uh... Oh right, I never told you about it. It was when Celestia said I was in Prance."

"When Celestia said you were in Prance you were actually in an alternate timeline having sex with yourself?"

"Actually it was a pocket dimension, but yeah that's the gist of it. Anyway, that day, I learned that the only Pony that isn't a dick slash bitch is yourself, and guitar duets are bucking awesome."

"Since when could you play guitar?"

"Since..." A realisation suddenly hit me. "Holy shit, I can play the guitar!"

"You're not very good this."

"That's because all my goodness went to my looks."

"Whatever helps you sleep at night..."

"What was that?"

"Nothing."

"Okay." There were a few seconds of silence. "So what's the machine do?"

"It's an energy stabiliser. It sets and locks energy to a certain strength and keeps it there as long as it's powered."

"Wait, so it, uh... Can you give me an example?"

"Okay. Imagine there are two fires, one much bigger than the other. If I turned on my stabiliser and programmed it to balance the energy between the two, the big fire and small fire would be forced into two medium fires. Are you with me so far?"

"Sort of...? What if you just used it on one fire?"

"I could set the fire to be incredibly weak and small, but overall the fire would still have to disperse the same amount of energy throughout its lifespan, at least theoretically, so it would burn for a much, much longer time. On the other hoof, I could also make it bigger and shorten its lifespan."

"Huh. That's pretty damn awesome." Twilight smiled.

"Thanks!"

"Hey, do you know where my room is?"

"Wait, is that the only reason you came in here?"

"Yeah, pretty much." Twilight facehoofed and sighed.

"I'll take you there."

"Thanks." Twilight led me out of her room and down the hallway.

After Twilight showed me where my room was, I went out to pick up a few bottles of cider to have for breakfast tomorrow. How the buck am I not dead yet? I went back to my room straight after, but when I opened the door I saw the girls (minus Vesper and Twilight) standing around in their dresses talking with each other.

"Why are you in my room?" I asked. They all turned to look at me.

"Princess Mi Amore Cadenza made us her new bridesmaids!" Pinkie shouted excitedly.

"So?"

"We're trying on our new dresses!" Exclaimed Rarity.

"I can see that. Why are you in my room?"

"We needed somewhere to try them on!"

"And your own rooms wouldn't work because...?" Before they could answer, Twilight came running through the door looking panicky.

"Cloud," she started, "Shining's in real trouble! You have to help-" She cut off when she saw the girls in their dresses. "Wait, what's going on?"

"I don't know anymore."

"Can you believe it? We're gonna be Princess Mi Amore Cadenza's new bridesmaids!" Whisper-exclaimed Fluttershy as she hovered over to her.

"New bridesmaids? What happened to her old bridesmaids?"

"'E 'i'n' seh'. 'U' 'e 'i' 'ell uhs thah' 'e woo' loove-loove-loove i' if we' 'ill i' 'or 'em," Applejack explained clearly and simply.

"Seeing as we've been working so hard and everything," added Rarity.

"Ayan' ya hu' ya doo's a'ou' 'er."

"This brings up an interesting point from earlier," I said.

"Whu' 'oin' ee' 'a'?"

"Get out of my room!"

We were at the rehearsal and I had the bottle of gold water hidden in my suit. Being slightly drunk, I'd stopped paying attention and was staring at a wall. I was torn from my thoughts by the sound of the doors slamming open. I looked to them to see Twilight standing in the doorway looking angry.

"I'm here!" She shouted.

"Yes, you are!" I shouted back. Twilight looked confused.

"I... Know?" There was an awkward silence. I glanced around and noticed that Vesper hadn't shown up.

"Hey, does anypony know where Vesper went?"

"I passed her in the hallway, she said something about doing something more interesting."

"Oh, okay." The was another awkward silence. "So... Were you feeling dramatic today, or...?"

"What? Oh, right!" Twilight looked angry again. "I'm not gonna stand next to her! And neither should you!"

"Tweh Weh!" Yelled Asshat. "Tweh Weh, what do you mean, Tweh Weh?! Tweh Weh!"

"Maybe we should just ignore her," suggested Miyamoto, with an annoyed expression.

"You have to listen to me!" Shouted Twilight, walking towards us.

"If you wanted some of my cider, you could just ask," pointed out. Twilight stopped, looking confused again.

"What?"

"I mean, normally I'd probably say no, but I'm probably drunk enough right now to probably let you probably have a bottle. Probably."

"I don't want your- Wait, why wouldn't you let me?!"

"Well it is my cider."

"But why-?" Twilight shook her head and looked angry again. "Gah! Stop distracting me!" She continued walking towards us. "I've got something to say!" She pointed to Miyamoto. "She's evil!" The next silence was the most awkward yet. "She's been horrible to my friends," Twilight teleported behind Miyamoto, "she's obviously done something to her bridesmaids, and if that wasn't enough, I saw her put a spell on my brother that made his eyes go all," Twilight rolled her eyes around. Miyamoto started crying.

"Why are you doing this to me?!" She sobbed as she ran out of the room.

"Because you're evil!" Twilight teleported to the doorway to shout at her better. "Evil! And if I don't stop you, you're gonna ruin my brother's life!" She trotted happily back into the room until she bumped into Asshat.

"Tweh Weh," he yelled, "my eyes went all," he continued looking how he normally did, "because I'm making the pretty lights! Lights is hard! Changing bulbs are hard! I wasn't wearing my hardhat when I was making the lights on and I fell over and had a battle with the floor but I lost so Meow-Meow Cadillac has been giving me magic good time!"

"What?"

"And the Pony-Ponies went bye-bye because they wanted to be bridesmaids! Meow-Meow is rude if she wants rudeness! She can decide things!"

"What are you even saying to me right now?"

"Meow-Meow is can be stressed because she can be is stressed! Perfect, perfect, perfect! I is important to me! I me you, so you me are not I!" He gasped and rubbed his temples. "Go away, Cheese Roll! You aren't a wedding!" He opened the door, got on the floor and he and his guards did the dinosaur.

"I- He- What the buck?!" Twilight looked over to the girls and Spike to see if any of them understood what had just happened. Surprisingly, it looked like they did. Most of them were glaring at her, and those that weren't looked very upset.

"'Er'oo, y'ar. 'E's 'o che' o' 'e 'i'cess," accented Applejack, leading the girls and Spike all out of the room. Celestia soon followed them.

"B-But, what-?"

"You have a lot to think about," Celestia said coldly as she passed her. The rest of the guards followed Celestia and slammed the doors behind them. Twilight turned away from the doors and I could see that she'd started crying.

"Maybe I was being overprotective..." She slowly walked forward until she collapsed on the stairs. "I could've gained a sister... But instead... I just lost a brother..." Uh... Has she forgotten that I'm here? It seems so. I should do what any friend would do; stand here and see how it takes for her to notice me. I'd complain, but this does fit the advice I gave her last night.

Twilight curled up into a ball and started sobbing. After about a minute, Miyamoto walked out of the shadows and started stroking Twilight's head in a comforting way. Twilight looked up to her.

"I-I'm sorry..." She sobbed. Miyamoto glared at her.

"You will be," snarled Miyamoto. She quickly charged up her horn, summoned green fire around Twilight and grinned as the fire pushed her into the floor. Yeah, okay, I should help now. I coughed loudly. Miyamoto looked over to me with a blank expression as Twilight stopped sinking through the floor, leaving her stuck halfway. There was an awkward silence. "Uh... This isn't what it looks like?" Sorry, God-Horse, it looks like I'll have to do this in private after all.

"Time to have some fun!" I exclaimed with a grin as the alcohol quickly wore off. I reached into my suit, pulled out the gold water and threw it towards the air above Miyamoto. As it reached its apex, I sliced it in half with a high speed Sharp Razor. The water splashed down onto Miyamoto and her form immediately started to deteriorate.

"Argh! What have you done?!" She screamed as the fire around Twilight fizzled out.

"You know, you're not a very good actress; leaving radiation deposits everywhere, acting out of character and not making an excuse for having a different magical aura than the real Miyamoto. Now I'm gonna buck you up!" I think that the worst pre-fight thing I've said so far... Shut up, I'm drunk.

There was a flash of light and the shifter's real form was revealed. She was still the same height as Miyamoto, but she was definitely a different species; she was a big black insectoid creature.

Author's Notes:

Has Cloud finally faced an enemy he can't beat?!
Will Equestria fall into doom?!
Where the buck is Watcher?!
Find out next time, on 'What The Fuck Am I Even Writing'!

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I've been waiting to use that image for months, and I finally have!

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The appleccent must go further!

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I'm having way too much fun writing speech for Shining Armour!