Suddenly, ninjas. No. But-! No! But I want-! NO! They're not bucking ninjas! Fine...

We had been surrounded by eight Primotaurs dressed in sporting gear. All were holding some kind of sport tool; some held baseball bats (or 'rounders' bats to any listeners from Eagland), some held golf clubs (or 'rounders' clubs to any listeners from Eagland), some held tennis rackets (or 'rounders' rackets to any listeners from Eagland) and some held dodge balls (or 'rounders' balls to any listeners from Eagland. WHO THE BUCK AM I TALKING TO?! THIS IS A BUCKING THOUGHT!).

"Uh nuh!" Shouted one of them. "Deh othur guh is hur! Wat der weh der?"

"Fahkin kyl 'im ur sum shite!" Shouted another. They all ran towards us. An idea struck me, and I held my hands up as a sign of submission.

"Woah!" I exclaimed. "This isn't a fair fight!" They all stopped.

"Wat yu meen?" Asked the same one from before. "Dur's ut lurst wun oof yu an' ut lurst wun oof oos."

"It wouldn't be fair is you all tried at once!" I insisted. "Didn't your parents teach you any manners?" They looked at each other, confused as to what I was talking about. "Line up and try one at a time!"

"An' wah shood weh?" Asked a different one.

"Because if you don't," uh... "you'll have to do P.E. in the gym!"

"Wot?" Asked yet another different one. "Wah?"

"Because you would be breaking the rules!" There was a second of silence before they started murmuring amongst themselves.

"Bhut et wus Soonsut Shummy tha' tuld oos tuh duh dis..."

"Yah, meight, but I dun wunna brayk duh rools..."

"Liteing Doost seays ah'm guud ut foolowong rools..."

Eventually, they formed a line in front of me. Amazing. The pinnacle of intelligence.

"Very good," I said to them, "we can start now. First guy, what's your name?"

"Ah'm Grayg," he replied.

"Okay, Greg, we can start the fight now. But don't forget that I have to go first." Greg scratched his head.

"Wot? Wah?"

"It's in the rules, remember?"

"Uh. Oaky." He hoofed me his baseball bat.

"Thank you." I smashed the bat over his head, knocking him out. "Next!" The next guy in the queue took Greg's place.

"Doo ah guh furst na?" He asked. I shook my head.

"The winner gets to go first."

"Uh. Oaky." He hoofed me his golf club. Is this really happening? Are all of these Primotaurs really this stupid?

The final Primotaur landed on the pile of the unconscious. OH GOOD. THEY REALLY WERE ALL THAT STUPID. I sighed.

"Let's go," I said to the gaping Nerdy, "it's nearly time for my fight."

"Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!" I screamed, having just received news about how the attack on Nerdy Shut-In went. Snips was shaking with fear.

"N-No..." Whimpered Snips. "I-It's what..." he gulped, "happened..."

"But I smashed up the decorations in the gym!" Snails exclaimed happily with a grin.

"WHAT?! WHY?!" My throat was begining to ache from all of the screaming I'd done. Snails's grin melted away.

"B-Because now Twilight c-can't be crowned?" He asked, his voice dripping with fear. I writhed around for a second, unable to contain my anger, before tearing a locker door straight off of it's hinges and smashing all of the nearby windows with it.

"FUCK!" I screamed even more. "FUCK EVERYTHING!" I started beating the shit out of a bin with the locker door. "SNAILS! FUCK YOU! SNIPS! GO SUCK MY CELESTIA DAMN DAD'S-!"

"What's going on here?!" Asked a different voice. I looked around and spotted Vice Principle Luna.

"IT WAS FUCKING TWILIGHT! SHE SMASHED UP THE FUCKING GYM AND BROKE THIS FUCKING LOCKER AND THESE FUCKING WINDOWS!"

"Oh, okay." She walked off. I went back to beating the bin.

"YOU FUCKING PIECE OF HAIRY GARBAGE! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOUR WHOLE FAMILY!"

I had been taken to Pri- Vice Principle Luna's office. The room was very dark and I was sitting at a table.

"I don't understand, what's going on?" I asked.

"The gym decorations were smashed up, and I have evidence that it was you, Twilight Sparkle," she snarled. Wait, the decorations were smashed up? Why would she think I did it? What evidence does she have?

"I don't know what you're talking about!" VP Luna threw three pictures of the gym onto the table. I picked them up and had a closer look.

"This is clearly you in the photographs, is it not?" I frowned.

"Seriously?" A two year old could draw better than this!

"I think it should be fairly obvious that the school cannot let someone who would do something like this compete for the Fall Formal crown." Suddenly, the door was kicked off of it's hinges and Flash Sentry sprinted into the room.

"OBJECTION!" He screamed as strange music began to play. "I WANNA PUT MAH DICK INTO TWILIGHT!" WHAT?!

"My god!" Cried Luna. "This changes everything!" HOW DOES THIS-?! "But I must review this new evidence!" The music changed.

"IF MAH DICK'S IN THE EQUATION, EVERYTHING CHANGES!"

"BUT WHO WAS PHONE?!" Slash Fentry came smashing through the window.

"I WAS PHONE!"

"HOLY SHIT!" VP Luna and Flash cried at the same time. The music changed yet again.

"I CAN SOLVE THIS CASE, YOUR HONOR! Flash bellowed at the top of his lungs. "WHAT IF MY DICK IS THE CULPRIT?!"

"I WAS PHONE!" Slash screamed again.

"AND IF IT WAS A SYMBOL OF HOPE, HOW CAN BATMAN BE TO BLAME?!"

"I WAS PHONE!"

"I THINK IT'S TIME WE REVIEWED THIS CASE FORM THE BEGINNING!" Screamed Luna as the music changed one more time. "I DREW A PICTURE OF TWILIGHT IN THE GYM! YOU WANTED TO PUT YOUR DICK INTO TWILIGHT! SLASH WAS PHONE! I THINK IT'S CLEAR WHO THE CULPRIT IS!" She spun dramatically and pointed at a wall. "ME!" A hard to see curtain in front of the wall fell down revealing that it wasn't a wall at all, it was a mirror. VP Luna was pointing at herself. "TAKE ME AWAY, BOYS!" Flash and Slash each grabbed one her arms and marched her out of her office as the music faded away.

There was a very long awkward silence.

"What just happened?" I asked myself. Spike popped out of my bag.

"I think we just saw the stupidest thing in existence," he replied.

Author's Notes:

Stupid/stupid.
I win the stupid.

---

Can anyone spot what Sunset's rage is a reference to?