The Quest For The Past

by The Hybrid Changeling

First published 6th of August, 2014

A stallion wakes in a field with no memory of his past. He ventures into the world to see what he can learn.

For a large portion of the story, the chapters are based on each episode of the show.
Comments will contain spoilers.

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This story is cancelled, and has been for a long time.

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A stallion wakes in a field with no memory of his life. He heads to a nearby village to see what he can find out. Many weird things happen as he tries to figure out who he is, while not being killed by crazy shenanigans happening everywhere.

This is his story.

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Link to DeviantART folder of pictures from/for this story (contains spoilers):
http://hybrid-changling.deviantart.com/gallery/53046516/The-Quest-For-The-Past

Friendship Is Magic Part 1 (Revised)

I awoke with a start. I was exhausted, sweat coated my body and I had a burning migraine. Every part of me was in pain. I was lying in a field of grass, the sky was clear except for a few clouds dotted around. There was a river a couple of meters to my right.

I tried to remember how I got there only to discover I couldn't remember anything prior to waking up. I knew I was a unicorn and I also knew a variety of spells and incantations but I couldn't remember any of my past experiences.

I slowly stood up and winced in pain. My body felt like it was trying to recover from being hit by a train. I walked over to the river, splashed some water onto my face and drank for a while. I sighed a breath of relief and tried to remember how I'd gotten there in the first place.

Just as expected, I failed.

Okay then, I thought, let's start with something simpler. I sat there for a minute, trying to remember my name. I knew it began with a 'C' and was made of two words. I sat there thinking for about five minutes until it came to me:

Cloud Calculation.

I smiled in relief. Thank Realta I can remember my name. Wait, who in Tartarus is Realta? And why am I thanking her? I put a hoof to my head. Thinking too hard was making the migraine worse and the confusion wasn't helping.

Suddenly, an idea came to me. My cutie mark! That'll give me some insight of stuff about me! I craned my neck around to look at my butt, ignoring the fact that the sentence I had just thought didn't make much sense. It's my brain after all, I could talk or think or whatever any way I wanted to. Anyway, I should continue think-narrating what I'm doing.

My neck was very stiff and sore to the point where I couldn't stretch far enough to see my butt, so instead I decided to check it in the reflection of the water. It was hard to make out but it looked like some sort of circle, with some smaller circles inside of it. I had no idea what it was supposed to be. I guess I'll find out what it is when I've fully recovered. Wait, what's that sound?

I heard the flapping of wings and looked up to see a small golden carriage flying overhead, being pulled by two pegasi in golden armour. A purple unicorn was leaning over the side with an angry look on their face. Looking at the direction it had come from I could see a mountainside city in the distance.

If I follow this carriage I should be able to find civilization. I stood up and began running after the carriage. My legs immediately started aching even more. I sighed.

I just hope it isn't too far.

The carriage stuttered to a halt. The stallions pulling it whinnied and kicked in the air dramatically as their passengers exited the vehicle.

"Thank you, Sirs!" Exclaimed the purple unicorn. The stallions huffed in response, then took off and flew back in the direction they had come from.

"Maybe the ponies in Ponyville have interesting things to talk about," said a small purple dragon as I finally caught up to them. He motioned to me before continuing. "Come on, Twilight, just try!"

"Uh... Hello?" She asked.

"Huh... Huh... H-hey!" I asked, gasping for air. The two looked at me with confused faces.

"Are you okay?"

"Probably not! Huh... Where am I?"

"You're in Ponyville," explained the dragon. "What's wrong?"

"Many things are wrong, purple guy. Many, many things."

"Huh?"

"Do you know where the library is?"

"Yes, it's not far from here," replied the unicorn, still looking confused, "but it's closed as there's no librarian at the moment."

"But we're gonna be staying there for the next couple of days, so we could let you in when we've finished checking up on stuff!" Exclaimed the dragon, balancing on his tail. The unicorn shot him a venomous look.

"Spike! We can't just-"

"C'mon, Twilight!" He begged. "This is your chance to make some friends!" The unicorn (apparently called Twilight) sighed.

"Fine! I'll let him in when I finish checking on the preparations, okay?!" There was a moment of silence before I spoke.

"Uh... Okay. Whatever I have to do to get in that library."

A pink Earth Pony walked up to us and looked at us for a couple of seconds. Suddenly, she jumped into the air and gasped loudly before vanishing into thin air.

"Well, that happened. I'm Cloud by the way; Cloud Calculation."

"Summer Sun Celebration official overseer's checklist," Spike read from a scroll in his... Uh... What do you call them? Claws? "Number one, banquet preparations: Sweet Apple Acres." We were quickly approaching a farm. The plan was for me to follow them around as they checked on the preparations for something called the 'Summer Sun Celebration'. I didn't ask about it so I could avoid any questions about how I didn't know about an upcoming event in a village I was in. I wasn't entirely sure why I wanted to go to the library, something just told me in my gut that I should consult a book.

"Yeehaw!" An orange earth pony ran towards an apple tree. Just before she ran into it she stopped, spun around on her forelegs and bucked the tree, causing all of the apples to fall into buckets that just so happened to be in the right places to catch the apples.

"Let's get this over with..." Groaned Twilight, walking toward the mare. "Good afternoon. My name is Twilight Sparkle-" She was cut off as the mare pulled her into a vigorous hoofshake.

"Well, howdy-do, Miss Twilight, a pleasure makin' your acquaintance! Ah'm Applejack! We here at Sweet Apple Acres sure do like makin' new friends!"

"Friends?" Twilight asked, her voice shaking from the hoofshake. "Actually, I-"

"So, what can ah do you for?" Asked Applejack as she went back into a normal standing position. Twilight's hoof was still shaking violently until Spike stooped it for her. She glared at him as he giggled. Twilight cleared her throat before continuing with what she was trying to say.

"Well, I am in fact here to supervise preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration. And you're in charge of the food?"

"We sure as sugar are! Would you care to sample some?"

"As long as it doesn't take too long..." Before Twilight had even finished her sentence, Applejack had ran to a triangle started banging it with a stick. What's the word for using a triangle anyway? It wouldn't be playing it, she was just banging a stick randomly-

"Soup's on everypony!" Applejack's yelling broke my train of thought. A stampede of ponies crashed into us, pulling us to a table. Applejack popped up next to us. "Now, why don't ah introduce y'all to the Apple family?"

"We're kinda in a hurry so-" I began before being cut off.

"This here's Apple Fritter," Realta damn it! I hate being cut off! "Apple Bumpkin, Red Gala, Red Delicious, Golden Delicious, Caramel Apple, Apple Strudel, Apple Tart, Baked Apples, Apple Brioche, Apple Cinnamon Crisp..." She stopped for a second to breath, "Big Macintosh, Apple Bloom and," she shoved an apple into Twilight's mouth, "Granny Smith. Up n' at 'em, Granny Smith, we got guests." Granny Smith snorted a little as she woke up.

"Wha..?" She asked, dazed. "Soup's on? Ah'm up, here ah come, ah'm comin'..." Applejack turned to Twilight again.

"Why, ah'd say you're already part of the family!" Twilight responded with the most dramatic spit take I had ever seen from as far back as I could remember. Ha ha! Mental wordplay for the win! Get it, me? 'Cause I cant remember anything? Yes, me, I get it. Stop think talking to myself and pay attention! Aw... Okay... I turned back to the situation at hoof, ignoring that I just talked to myself in my mind.

"...Stay for brunch?" Asked the filly previously referred to as Apple Bloom.

"Sorry, but we have an awful lot to do..." Replied Twilight. The Apple family sighed sadly, almost looking like they were trying to guilt trip her. Twilight rolled her eyes, "Fine." The Apple family cheered, making me further suspicious of the guilt trip.

"Don't worry, Cloud," Spike said to me, "this shouldn't take that long." I sighed. I just hope he's right...

"Food's all taken care of, next is weather," read Spike. Twilight groaned.

"Ugh... I ate too much pie..." She slurred.

"Hmm, there's supposed to be a Pegasus Pony named Rainbow Dash clearing the clouds."

"Well, they're doing a lousy job," I stated. This is gonna be my entire day isn't it? I should have brought a mental book... How would that even work? You're the dominant thought voice, you tell me! A loud thud and splash brought me away from my mental argument with myself. Twilight and a rainbow maned pony were lying in a puddle of mud.

"Probably Rainbow Dash," I muttered.

"Makes sense," Spike agreed. Rainbow Dash stood up and gave a sheepish laugh.

"Uh... 'Scuse me?" She apologized, still laughing a little. "Here, let me help you." She grabbed a nearby cloud and put it over Twilight's head. She bounced on it, releasing a small torrent of rain which soaked Twilight. Rainbow laughed a little more.

"Oops, I guess I over did it. Um... Uh... How about this?" She started flying in rapid circles around Twilight. "My very own patented," a small rainbow coloured tornado surrounded Twilight, "Rain-Blow Dry!" Hehehe! Blow! Oh, do shut up... "No no, don't thank me," Rainbow insisted as she flew down to the ground. She starred at Twilight, realizing she had messed up her mane.

Rainbow Dash and Spike fell over laughing. Smash into her, soak her then laugh in her face about her mane? What a whorse. I know right? Such a plot hole. Twilight groaned.

"Let me guess," she started, "you're Rainbow Dash?" Rainbow stood up, knocking over Spike.

"The one and only!" She flew onto the air slightly, getting into Twilight's personal space. "Why? You heard of me?"

"I heard you were supposed to be keeping the sky clear." Twilight sighed. "I'm Twilight Sparkle, and the Princess sent me to check on the weather." Rainbow had lay down on the cloud above the mud puddle.

"Yeah, yeah. That'll be a snap." Rainbow waved her hoof as she talked. "I'll do it in a jiffy, just as soon as I'm done practicing." Oh that is bucking it! She's literally doing nothing!

"Practice doing what?" I snapped at her. "Lying around being useless? You seem to be fine already." She turned to me looking pissed.

"Hey! Screw you, Stick-Head! I can clear the sky in ten seconds flat!"

"Ten? Hah! That's nothing, I can clear it in three!" I readied myself into a balanced stance and started blasting homing magic bolts like I was crazy. Every bolt hit its target and true to my word, it was clear in three seconds. Rainbow, Twilight and Spike all stared at me, mouths agape. Hah! Howd'ya like them apples, bitch! Good thing my time estimation was right.

"B-but I'm the fastest thing there is..." Rainbow stuttered. "How can some stupid magic be faster?!" I glanced at her cutie mark. It was a cloud with a lightning bolt that matched her mane.

"Don't compete with something out of your league, Thunder Thighs. C'mon, Spike, what's next on the list?" I asked as I walked off, leaving the confused Pegasus where she was.

"Town Hall decorations. Beautiful..." Ribbons and flags and stuff. Kinda meh. It's not bad, but it is a bit simple.

"Well, this is fine. We'll get to the library at no time," I stated as Twilight entered.

"Not the decor, her!" Spike said, pointing to white unicorn with a curly, purple mane. She started to choose between different ribbons when Twilight quietly cleared her throat.

"Cloud, I want to talk to you about what happened back there," Twilight explained, motioning towards the doorway. "Why did you do that? Sure, Rainbow was annoying but wasn't what you did a bit much?" I was about to answer her but before I could I heard a scream, and the white unicorn dashed over to us.

"Oh my stars, darling! Whatever happened to your coiffure?!" She asked. It was messed up by a cu-

"Oh, you mean my mane? Well, it's a long story. I'm just here to check on the decorations, and then I'll be out of your hair!" Twilight replied. Badum tish.

"Out of my hair? What about your hair?!" She started pushing Twilight towards a backdoor to the building.

"Wait! Where are we going?! Help!" Spike followed them, drooling as he stared at the unicorn. I followed him, bringing up the rear. Heh, rear. Oh for Realta's sake, not again.

I stopped paying attention for a while, and let my mind go on autopilot. When I started paying attention again, Spike was sitting on Twilight's back in a daze of happiness and Twilight was trying to get my attention.

"...Oud. Cloud!" She shouted, getting my attention. "As I was trying to say before, why did you act how you did towards Rainbow Dash?"

"I hate self centered plot-holes."

"But you completely overreacted! You were worse than she was to you!"

"Yes, I was. If you're gonna have a counter attack, you've gotta hit hard."

"But you'll get bad karma for doing things like that!"

"I don't believe in karma or fate, I just roll with the punches." Probably.

"But-"

"Stop starting sentences with 'but'."

"Ugh! Fine! Let's get this over with! Spike, what's next?" Spike cleared his throat.

"Uh, music! The last one!"

Finally... Why am I even going to the library? What book is gonna explain memory loss and waking up in a field? I could look up a memory erasing spell. See if the side effects match my condition. Ugh... 'Condition'. I make it sound like an illness. Am I ever gonna question thinking to myself like this? Probably not. I should probably start paying more attention, who knows what I've missed doing this. Do I think I'm insane? I mean really, this could be a split personality thing. Nah, I'll be fine. I stopped think-talking to myself and started paying attention again. A yellow Pegasus was obsessing over Spike.

"...Oooo cute!" She exclaimed.

"Well, well, well!" Said Spike, smugly looking at Twilight (who for some reason was sprawled on the ground).

"Oh my, he talks! I didn't know dragons could talk! That's just so incredibly wonderful I-I just don't even know what to say!" Twilight levitated Spike onto her back with telekinesis.

"Well, in that case we'd better be going!" Twilight started walking off. The yellow mare ran to catch up.

"Oh! Wait, wait! What's his name?"

"I'm Spike!" Answered Spike. Twilight started to look annoyed.

"Hi, Spike. I'm Fluttershy. Wow, a talking dragon! And what do dragons talk about?"

"Well, what do you wanna know?"

"Absolutely everything!" She exclaimed, looking excited. Twilight groaned, looking exasperated. I followed, looking... Damn it! What's another adjective beginning with 'e'?! Why am I asking me this?! It's not important! I'm going for the rule of three! It makes it look nice! What do you mean 'look nice'?! It's a thought in my head! The multiverse is endless! Somewhere out there there's an alien creature writing this story out from projections in his head that I'm sending him so-

The Hybrid Changeling looked up from his keyboard.

"Wait, what?"

"...and that's the story of my whole entire life! Well, up until today," Spike finished. I didn't know what was worse, the fact that we had been listening to this for two hours or that he had finished in only two hours. "Do you wanna hear about today?" For Realta's sake! Just stop! Why do I keep thinking Realta? Why am I asking me?! We're literally the same pony!

"...This is where I'm staying while in Ponyville and my poor baby dragon needs his sleep," explained Twilight.

"No I do- Whoa!" Twilight bucked Spike off of her back mid sentence.

"Aw, wook at dat! He's so sweepy he can't even keep his widdle bawance!" Spike gave Twilight the stink eye.

"Poor thing," said Fluttershy, picking him up and flying inside, "you simply must get into bed..." Twilight dashed in pushing Fluttershy out. I slipped through the door.

"Yes, yes," agreed Twilight, "we'll get right on that. Well, goodnight!" She slammed the door in Fluttershy's face. Spike glared at her as she walked over to us.

"Well, thanks for letting me in," I said. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have research to do."

"Likewise. Now where's the light?" Suddenly the lights flicked on to reveal the room was filled with ponies.

"SURPRISE!" They yelled. Twilight and I both groaned. The pink Earth Pony from earlier today popped up in front of us.

"Surprise!" She exclaimed. "Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie, and I threw this party for you three! Were you surprised? Were you? Were you? Huh-huh-huh?"

"Very surprised. Libraries are supposed to be quiet," explained Twilight. I groaned again.

"Well, that's silly! What kind of welcome party would this be if it were quiet? I mean, duh, bo-ring! You see, I saw you when you first got here, remember? You were talking to each other and I was all," Pinkie gasped dramatically, "remember? You see I've never seen you before and if I've never seen you before that means you're new, 'cause I know everypony, and I mean everypony in Ponyville!"

Twilight groaned some more and walked over to a table with refreshments. She grabbed a bottle and started pouring herself a drink. I grabbed a bottle of cider. I have achieved nothing today... I must at least get wasted...

"And if you're new, that meant you hadn't met anypony yet, and if you hadn't met anypony yet, you must not have any friends, and if you don't have any friends then you must be lonely, and that made me so sad, then I had an idea, and that's why I went," she gasped again before continuing, "I must throw a great big ginormous super duper spectacular welcome party and invite everypony in Ponyville! See? And now you have lots and lots of friends!" The others we had met today popped up.

How much cider will it take to die from alcohol poisoning? I looked at the label on the bottle. It was non-alcoholic. Tears formed in my eyes. I had to suffer through all this and I can't even get wasted?

"Are you alright, sugarcube?" Applejack asked Twilight. I looked over to see that she also had tears forming in her eyes. She ran upstairs and I followed.

"At least there's plenty of books up here," I reasoned as I flicked through spell books. "Didn't you say you needed to research something as well?"

"I thought I'd have time to learn about the Elements of Harmony but, silly me, all this ridiculous friend-making has kept me from it!" She complained, rolling around in a bed.

"Uh... Sure. Hey, do you know what books would have information on memory spells?"

"Legend has it that on the longest day of the thousandth year, the stars will aid in her escape, and she will bring about everlasting night," rambled Twilight. "I hope the Princess was right... I hope it really is just an old pony's tale..." I sighed. None of the spell books I had checked had anything on memory altering spells, and now Twilight was talking to herself. Isn't that what I do all the time in my head? Yes, but I'm not crazy. Probably. Spike burst through the door.

"C'mon you two, it's time to watch the sunrise!"

"No thanks," I replied, looking back to the book I was holding, "I have stuff to research."

"What?! But you've gotta watch the sunrise with us, Cloud!"

"Why?"

"Because we let you into the library and you owe us!" I sighed.

"Dammit. Fine."

We went to Town Hall and Pinkie started talking again. This time I didn't even listen. Birds started chirping out a song, orchestrated by Fluttershy. A grey maned mare walked into the light of a spotlight.

"Fillies and gentlecolts," she announced, "as mayor of Ponyville, it is my great pleasure to announce the beginning of the Summer Sun Celebration!" The audience cheered. "In just a few moments, our town will witness the magic of the sunrise, and celebrate this, the longest day of the year! And now, it is my great honor to introduce to you the ruler of our land," Twilight looked stressed, "the very pony who gives us the sun and the moon each and every day, the good, the wise, the bringer of harmony to all of Equestria..." She paused dramatically. "...Princess Celestia!"

The birds chirped along to fanfare as Rarity pulled on a rope. Curtains pulled back to reveal... An empty stage. Ponies around me started whispering about their worries.

"This can't be good..." Stated Twilight. The spotlights focused back on the mayor.

"Remain calm, everypony, there must be a reasonable explanation!"

"Ooh, ooh, I love guessing games!" Exclaimed Pinkie. Oh for bucks sake, shut up...

"She's gone!" Rarity yelled, making ponies in the audience gasp.

"Ooh, she's good!" Said the pink Pony. Suddenly, Pinkie yelped. I looked back towards the stage the see a jet black pony wearing a misty blue coloured armour, with a mane like a misty night sky.

"Oh no..." Twilight whispered, "Nightmare Moon!" Spike fainted.

"Oh, my beloved subjects," 'Nightmare Moon' said with a silky voice, "it's been so long since I've seen your precious, little sun-loving faces."

"What did you do with our Princess?!" Yelled the air head. Nightmare chuckled.

"Why, am I not royal enough for you? Don't you know who I am?" If I had wings, they would be stiff right now... Now's not the time! It's never the time! "Does my crown no longer count now that I have been imprisoned for a thousand years? Did you not recall the legend? Did you not see the signs?"

"I did!" Shouted Twilight. "And I know who you are! You're the Mare in the Moon – Nightmare Moon!"

"Well well well, somepony who remembers me. Then you also know why I'm here."

"You're here to... to..." Twilight gulped and Nightmare laughed.

"Remember this day, little ponies, for it was your last; from this moment forth, the night will last forever!" She laughed as she cast dramatic lightning spells.

I have such a boner right now... Shut up, me! You shut up!

Author's Notes:

Revised 17/12/14.

Friendship Is Magic Part 2 (Revised)

Nightmare let out an evil laugh as the dramatic lightning struck around her. The mayor regained her senses and leaped up.

"Seize her!" Yelled the mayor. "Only she knows where the Princess is!" A few armoured Pegasi flew up to Nightmare, only to get struck down by lightning. Nightmare laughed some more, then transformed into a dark blue magical vapour and flew out the main doors of the Town Hall.

"I've got to get back to the library," stated Twilight, "and find the Elements of Harmony!" She picked up Spike off of the floor, threw him onto her back and ran out of the building.

"Well," I said to myself, "this is happening." I readied myself into a good stance, then focused my magic and began teleporting back to the library. Was it a coincidence that I woke up on the same day that this happened? How should I know?! I don't know!

One flash of magic later, I was inside the library. Books were being thrown around, Twilight was talking to herself like a madmare and Spike was nowhere to be seen.

"Twilight!" I shouted, startling her. "How do we stop Nightmare?"

"We need to find the Elements of Harmony," Twilight explained, "but nopony's seen them in a thousand years! Not since the Princess used them to banish Nightmare Moon to, well, the moon!"

"Well, where were they when the Princess last used them?"

"They might be-"

"And just what are the Elements of Harmony?!" Interrupted Rainbow Dash, who at some point had entered the library along with the others. "And how did you know about Nightmare Moon, huh? Are you spies?" Realta damn it! Does she solely exist to piss me off?!

"Screw off, Skittles!" I shouted. "Go back to lazing around! It's what you're best at!" Rainbow shot me a death glare.

"Buck you, you son a-"

"Rainbow, stop!" Yelled Applejack. "We've got more important things to worry about now than social quarrels! Twilight, what are th' Elements o' Harmony?"

"I read all about the prediction of Nightmare Moon," Twilight explained. "Some mysterious objects called the Elements of Harmony are the only things that can stop her, but I don't know what they are, where to find them-I don't even know what they do!"

"The Elements of Harmony: A Reference Guide," read Pinkie. Twilight bashed Pinkie out of the way to see for herself.

"How did you find this?!" Twilight asked. Rainbow was still glaring at me, muttering something under her breath.

"It was under E!" Sang Pinkie, bouncing across the room.

"Oh..." Twilight levitated the book off of the shelf and started to read from it. "There are six Elements of Harmony, but only five are known. Kindness, laughter, generosity, honesty and loyalty. The sixth is a complete mystery. It is said that the last known of the five elements was in the ancient castle of The Royal Pony Sisters. It is located in what is now..."

"...the Everfree Forest?!" Exclaimed Applejack, Fluttershy, Rarity, Pinkie and Flappy Gas Lord. We were outside the forest in question. Wait, how did we get here? I... Have no idea.

"Whee!" Squealed Pinkie. "Let's go!"

"Not so fast!" Exclaimed Twilight. "Look, I appreciate the offer, but I'd really rather do this on my own."

"No can do, Sugarcube," said Applejack walking towards the forest, "we sure ain't letting a friend o' ours go into that creepy place alone. We're stickin' to you like caramel on a candy apple!" The others grunted in agreement and followed Applejack into the forest.

"Especially if there's candy apples in there!" Enthused Pinkie. Twilight looked at her with a confused look on her face. "What? Those things are good!"

"Doesn't look like you're getting any say in this," I explained to Twilight as a walked past her, "so you may as well go along with it for now." Twilight sighed. "Hey, don't you think it's weird that Ponyville just happens to be near the Everfree Forest, and your Princess just happened to choose Ponyville as the place to host this years celebration, and that discounting myself there just happens to be the perfect number of ponies for the Elements of Harmony, a reference guide to which that you desperately needed just happened to be in the library that your Princess assigned you to stay in?"

"That's... An interesting point." She thought for a few seconds. "Wait, what do you mean my Princess? She's your Princess as well. And I thought you didn't believe in fate?"

"I don't," I said, shrugging off her question about why I called them 'her' Princess, "but conspiracies are a different matter." Why did I refer to her as Twilight's Princess? And who is Realta? More questions to add to the list...

We were getting deep into the forest now. The sky could hardly be seen and it was almost pitch black. I didn't light up my horn to avoid attracting wild animals. We were getting close to a cliff edge.

"So, none of you have been in here before?" Asked Twilight as we walked.

"Heavens no! Just look at it, it's dreadful!" Complained Rarity, pointing her hoof at trees.

"It's a forest, what do you expect?" I asked.

"It ain't natural," explained Applejack, "folk say it don't work the same as Equestria."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Twilight asked.

"'Cause every pony who's ever come in, has never come out!" Taunted the Blue Bitch.

Suddenly, the edge of the cliff we were standing on erupted and broke apart. The next thing I knew, I was skidding down the side of the cliff on my hooves trying not to trip. Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!

Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were stopping everypony else from being flung off of the edge of the cliff. Applejack grabbed onto a root sticking out of the ground and- OH SHIT, I'M GOING OVER THE EDGE!

I quickly focused my magic and continuously made the molecules in the air around me push outward forcefully, creating a barrier of pressure between me and the ground. The air in my barrier collided with the air below me, slowing down my decent. By the time I reached the ground I was slow enough to not take any damage.

That was way, way too bucking close! It's a good thing I have such good control over my magic, or else I'd be a stain on the grass. How am I so calm after that happening to me?! It could mean I've been through worse in the past, so my unconscious mind knows to stay calm in situations like that. I'm not sure I want to remember my past if I went through that kind of traumatic experience enough times to be calm about it!

"Cloud? Are you okay, darling?" I looked up to see that it was Rarity asking me the questions. "I didn't see Rainbow Dash catch you and you've been lying there with a strange look on your face for a full minute now." I looked back to the cliff edge and saw Cyan Prat and Fluttershy slowly lowering Twilight down to the ground.

"Uh, yeah," I assured her, "I'll... Be fine..." So the Rainbitch was really gonna let me fall, huh?

It was a few minutes later and we were walking through the forest again.

"And once Pinkie and Rarity were saved," bragged Rainbitch, "Me and Fluttershy flew around and WHAM! Caught you right in the nick of time." Hatred... Levels... Rising...

"Yes, Rainbow, I was there," Twilight explained for the third time, "and I'm very grateful, but we've got to-" A loud thump from in front of us cut her off. A lion-headed, bat-winged creature let out a huge and ferocious roar. I knew exactly what it was, and so did Twilight. "A manticore! We've gotta get past him!" The manticore leapt towards Rarity, swinging its huge paw towards her head. She ducked under it, then sprang into the air and gave an impressive buck to its face.

"Take that you ruffian!" She yelled triumphantly. The manticore roared in her face covering her in stray saliva and mucus, completely ruining her mane and tail. "My hair!" She cried before running away. The manticore started to give chase but was interrupted by Applejack jumping onto its back. It jumped around trying to buck her off, soon getting lucky with a swing of its head sending Applejack flying back towards the rest of us.

"All yours, pardner," she said to Feather Brain, who tried creating a mini-tornado around it. She was cut off when it struck her with its tail, sending her sprawling in the dirt. As entertaining as it was, watching her fail only wasted time to get to the Elements of Harmony.

It was my turn. I readied my stance and sent out a cloud of sleeping gas from my horn. It flew towards the manticore scoring a direct hit, making it unconscious immediately. I grinned at my success.

"And that girls, is how it's done!" I brohoofed Pinkie and we continued onward.

"Don't you think there could have been a diplomatic solution?" Fluttershy asked me. The tops of the trees were starting to get thicker, which blocked out the little light we had in the first place.

"That was the diplomatic solution," I explained, "the violent solution would poison gas." Fluttershy looked forward quietly.

Why do I remember so many different spells? It doesn't add up; a memory removal spell would've completely wiped all of my memories... And where do I go from here? I thought I could find something in the library about memory spells but even if I do find something, where do I go from there? Find a counter spell, maybe? For now I should focus on helping Twilight. She cou-

Screams from the girls broke my train of thought. I looked at what they were screaming at, and it was...

"A tree? Really?" I facehoofed and groaned.

"They're all around us!"

"Wow! Really?" I asked sarcastically. "There are trees in a forest?! The horror! What's next; clouds in the sky?! Hair in a mane?!" Pinkie started laughing and making silly faces at the trees. "I'm going on ahead. Feel free to join me when you realize a shrub can't kill you." Well, not easily. I went on ahead without them.

I arrived at a river. there were no trees to block out the sun here, meaning I could see again. Unfortunately, the river had insane rapids surging through it, making it difficult to cross. I could hear crying emanating from somewhere to my left. I headed upstream a little to see what was causing the racket. There was a large sea serpent sobbing and thrashing about in the water, causing the out of control rapids.

"Uh... Hey!" I called to him, getting his attention. "Why are you crying?"

"Oh what a world!" He cried. "Well, I don't know; I was just sitting here, minding my own business, when this tacky little cloud of purple smoke just whisked past me and tore half of my beloved mustache clean off, and now I look simply horrid!" He cried more and fell into the river, splashing me with water. Actually... I know just the spell to help!

"Hey!" I shouted to him, "Bring your face closer and stop thrashing about!" He sniffed.

"H-huh? Okay..." He did what I asked him to. Once again, I readied my stance for magic. I've been doing this a lot today... I focused my magical energy around the remains of his mustache and concentrated it. I made his cells split much faster than normal, making his mustache grow more and more until it matched his other side. I stood still for a little bit to catch my breath. All this advanced magic is getting exhausting!

"There you go, man. Now could you please let the water be calm? I really need to cross." He looked overjoyed at his new stache and nodded vigorously.

"Absolutely!" He bent his body to make me a bridge.

"Thanks! Oh, and some friends of mine will be coming through here soon, could you help them too?"

"Oh! Don't even fret about it, good chap!" I smiled and gave him a firm nod. Then I turned and continued my journey.

It wasn't long before I could see the ruins of a castle in the distance. That's got to be the castle Twilight was talking about! Wait, so if I do find the elements what then? Stand around and wait for the others? How should I know? It was a rhetorical question!

I came up to a ravine with a broken rope bridge. I used my telekinesis to lift up the broken end and retie it to the supports on the other side, then crossed it. Wow, that was easy. After all I've been through tonight I was expecting a bigger challenge.

The ruins made it seem like the old castle wasn't very big. In fact, it was quite small compared to... Uh, castles in general? Maybe there's more around the back or underground. I pushed open its large wooden doors to reveal a large stone room. In its center there was a stone structure with five different stone spheres on stone pedestals. That's a lot of stone.

Suddenly, a cyclone of blueness surrounded the stone structure and me. It lifted up the spheres and collapsed in on itself, teleporting me and the spheres to a different room. I looked up and saw Nightmare levitating the spheres around her, still firing dramatic lightning. Her smooth silky black wings outstretched alluringly- Now's not the time! It's never the time!

"Uh, hey!" I shouted over the lightning. "So... Nice night huh?" She laughed sexily evilly!

"It shall be the last night anypony shall see!" She declared, rearing up and firing even more dramatic lightning.

"Oh. That's probably bad. So... Do you wanna destroy the world or rule with eternal night or what?"

"Did I not make myself clear, you dunce?! I shall rule alone with a night that never ends!" More laughing, more lightning.

"Could you please stop with the lightning? It's really annoying, I can barely hear you over it."

"Oh! You are scared by my incredible magic prowess?!"

"No, not really. Lightning's kinda easy. Look-" I fired a large bolt of lightning from my horn, hitting a wall and blowing it up. Nightmare looked shocked for a second before turning back to me looking angry.

"YOU DARE THREATEN ME?! GODDESS OF THE MOON?!"

"What? No I wasn't threatening you I-"

"YOU SHALL NOT STOP ME, FOR I AM NIGHTMARE MOON!" She yelled. She stomped hard and the spheres smashed to pieces. "You little foal! Thinking you could defeat me? Now you will never see your Princess, nor your sun! The night will last forever!"

"Now you're just making a mess!" I shouted, starting to get angry.

"I AM-"

"Would you shut up?!" I yelled at the top of my voice. My horn starting to flare up as my rage grew greater. "Realta damn it, you're so bucking annoying! Just shut up and stop trying to be so dramatic!" Stay calm. I've got to find a diplomatic solution.

"NOPONY CAN STOP ME!" BUCK THE DIPLOMATIC SOLUTION!

"SHUT THE BUCK UP!" I screamed at her. I could feel my anger surging through my veins. I forced it into my horn and flung an enormous fireball at Nightmare. She turned to vapour and let the fireball pass through her. Still vapour, she flew towards me firing lightning in my direction. I threw up a magical barrier and absorbed every bolt.

She changed back into pony form, and, using the momentum she'd built up, tried to impale me with her horn. I rolled to the side and shot her in the torso with a magic bolt strong enough to crack her armour. She yelled in pain and turned back towards me, firing a beam of concentrated nightmares which I countered with my own beam of electricity. The two exploded on impact and the room started to crumble. Nightmare flew up into the night sky.

A circle of some kind erupted beneath me, feeding me strange power. I willed it to lift me up like a platform and it followed my every thought. Nightmare looked horrified when she saw what I was doing.

"W-WHAT?! HOW CAN A WHELP SUCH AS YOU HARNESS THE POWERS OF ARCANE?!" I ignored her and quickly fed magical energy into my hind legs, charging them up until they glowed. Then, willing the circle to move me, I sped over to her and energy bucked her in the face. She fell from the sky into the rubble of the tower we were previously inside and landed on one of her wings, producing a snapping sound. She screamed some more then looked up at me with tears in her reptilian eyes. "H-HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?! HOW CAN I BE DEFEATED BY A LOWLIFE SUCH AS YOURSELF?!"

"Magic," I said, cracking my neck. "Mother bucker." I threw a pulsating ball of pure magic at her. She screamed as it hit her, unable to move. The brightest of lights enveloped my eyes for what could have been eternity.

Then everything went dark.

Author's Notes:

Action scenes are hard to write.
Also;

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32Teg-CwVW0

---

Revised 06/01/2015 (DD/MM/YYYY, I'm English).

The Ticket Master (Revised)

I didn't open my eyes when I woke up. Well, at least I remember something this time. I shouldn't make a habit of unconsciousness. Heh, yeah I- Wait, What? What just happened?! How in Tartartus was I that powerful?! What was that circle?! Did I kill Nightmare?! What do I even do from here?! Okay. Stay calm. First of all where am I? I was lying in what felt like a bed of some sort. My left foreleg felt weird, like there was something sticking through my skin. Everything smelt almost sterile. I could hear a sharp, rhythmic beeping. I slowly opened my eyes to see... Nothing. I was blind.

"Well, shit." I croaked. Great! My voice is barely working as well!

"Your sight will return," claimed a regal, female voice. "Until then I have some questions for you."

"Who are you?"

"Who I am is not important. What's important is that you tell me who you are."

"Why?"

"I just really want to know."

"Don't we all?"

"What?" I sighed. I shouldn't make jokes that only I understand.

"It doesn't matter." The voice paused for a moment before speaking again.

"I'll ask again: Who are you?" She asked. "Where did you come from?"

"My name is Cloud Calculation. I mentally talk to myself, I hate self centered ponies, I'm apparently pretty powerful with magic and I came from a field."

"A... field?"

"I woke up in the middle of a field the day before the Summer Sun Celebration with no memories other than my name and some spells. I followed a carriage in the sky to Ponyville. I met a loner and her dragon and followed them around town to get into the library. We met a bunch of annoying Ponies and went into a forest to try and find the Elements of whatever. I went further on my own when her and the others were scared by trees. I did battle with a super villain before passing out. I woke up here." The voice was quiet for a while. When it spoke again it was somewhat softer than before.

"I see. For now, Cloud Calculation, you need rest." I felt a spell being cast upon me. I felt myself falling back asle... Getting... too... tired... to... narrate...

"...Stay with you until we make progress."

"Okay, Princess. But how long will that take?"

"I do not know, my little pony. I will send you a message when I find out what has happened."

Ugh... Friggin sleep spells catching me off guard... Now I have no sense of time... Wait, did they say Princess? I opened my eyes. My sight had more or less returned. The two voices belonged to Twilight and a tall mare with a flowing mane wearing a crown. So that's the conspiracy Princess... The Princonspiricess! No. Just no. Fine. I should let them know I'm conscious. I coughed to get their attention and they turned to look at me.

"You're awake!" Yelped Twilight with a shocked look on her face. How do I even respond to that?

"Uh, yeah," I replied lamely, "I am. So... What's up?" The Princess stepped towards me.

"You defeated Nightmare Moon with ancient magic that even Star Swirl The Bearded could not fully control," explained the Princess. "After you hit her with your final attack she transformed back into my sister. You collapsed as your body could not take the magical energy you channeled, but as you were high in the air your body took serious damage that was almost fatal."

"You nearly died!" Twilight exclaimed. The Princess who's name I still don't know raised a hoof to politely tell Twilight to shut up.

"Twilight and her friends showed up as you threw a fireball at Nightmare Moon and stayed to witness the whole fight. When Nightmare Moon was defeated, I was released from my imprisonment. I teleported to her and told the six to take you to a hospital while I spoke with my sister. She told me of what happened with your magic and that you had spoken of somepony named 'Realta'. I went to the Ponyville hospital to question you.

"Afterwards, I placed you under a spell to put you into a dreamless sleep, but because of your injuries you slipped into a coma on the brink of death. I teleported you to my private hospital, which is usually used only for royalty. They healed you well, but you were still in a coma. Since you had been healed almost completely I took you to Twilight, in her library. We were just discussing how you were to stay under her supervision until either I found information on your past and magic, or you woke up."

"Oh. So a lot of stuff's up." I scratched the back of my head. "Thanks I guess. How long was I out?"

"Two weeks." Answered Twilight. Two weeks?! What?! "Cloud? Are you okay? You look a bit shocked." I sighed and nodded.

"Yeah," I replied, "I'm fine." I took a deep breath and let out another sigh. "So what happened to you and the others after I left?"

"Well... Pinkie sang a song about facing your fears, a sea serpent helped us cross a river after asking if we were friend of the turquoise Unicorn, we got to an old rope bridge, we saw a dark blue light flash through a window of a tower and ran to see what was going on, and just as we arrived you threw a fireball at Nightmare Moon." Nightmare... Night-Mare. Huh, only just noticed that.

"So did you ever find the Elements of Harmony? Also, there were some stone spheres that Nightmare took and destroyed. What were they?" I asked.

"What?!" Yelled Twilight. "Those were the elements! Oh no! What do we do if the kingdom is ever under attack?!"

"Cant you just go back and find the fragments of them in that room?"

"The tower collapsed after your final attack! We wouldn't be able to tell the difference between them and the rest of the rubble!"

"Oh. That's too bad. I guess we'll lose next time then."

"I shall do some research on the magic you performed in your fight," explained the Princess. "Twilight now lives in Ponyville as she wished to stay with her friends. Until I find answers, you will stay with her at the Ponyville library. Unless you really want to go somewhere else which is fair enough, I know how Twilight gets. I must leave you for now, but I shall give you this ticket to the Grand Galloping Gala. Twilight and her friends also have tickets, so you can go along with them. I will speak with you more there. Do you have any last questions?"

"Why do you name all of your celebrational events with triple alliteration? And if you're the ruler, why are you a Princess and not a Queen? And why did you leave priceless artifacts of ultimate power laying around in the ruins of an old castle in the middle of a dangerous forest?" The room was silent for a few seconds.

"Unfortunately I'm out of time for your questions," lied the Princess, "but I will contact you when I find more information. Practice your magic, Cloud Calculation. Equestria will be a dangerous place without the Elements of Harmony as a deterrent and weapon against evil. If you are stronger than Nightmare Moon, then you may be able to save us in the future. The best of luck to you." And with that, the Princonspiricess left.

Stop using that word! You're not my real mom!

Author's Notes:

Bit of a serious chapter this time.

Princonspiricess
/Prin ~ con ~ spi ~ ri ~ seh~ ss~/
A princess that conspires e.g; Princess Banana-Butt.

---

Revised 06/01/2015 (DD/MM/YYYY, I'm English).

Applebuck Season (Revised)

I had been learning lots of new spells and becoming more awesome at the ones I already knew. 'More awesome' insinuates that I was awesome in the first place. I was awesome before! I defeated a sexy evil god thing entirely by myself while tired from all the magic from earlier that day! Unfortunately, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't summon the circle thing from before. Something else that was interesting was that my cutie mark looked just like the circle.

Spell wise, I was doing fantastic. As well as amazing combinations of other kinds of spells, I'd also created some of my own, and named them. For instance, I'd made the thing I'd done to save me from falling off of the cliff more powerful and named it the Force Barrier spell. I found what I'd done with pouring magic into certain body parts interesting, and look further into it. So far I could make my forelegs charged up and release the magic by stamping, creating a small shock wave. I called it a Majistamp. I'd also learned other spells but these were the only ones I'd made mys-

"Cloud!" Shouted Twilight from downstairs. "Are you up there?!"

"Shut up, Twilight! I'm monologuing!" I shouted back.

"I need to go to Rarity's! Can you go to the shop and pick up some bread while I'm out?!"

"Why don't you send Spike?!"

"When I told him where I was going, he said he'd meet me there and ran ahead of me!"

"Ugh... Fine! But I'm getting white bread!"

"But brown bread is healthier!"

"We're magical unicorn wizards! We can be healthy from spells and stuff!"

"White bread tastes icky!"

"Brown tastes worse!"

"What will I have my applesauce on?!"

"I don't know! Put it on haycon for all I care!"

"How would that even work?!"

"Just- Agh! I'm getting white bread! That's the end of it!"

"But I'm the one who asked you in the first place!"

"Exactly! It serves you right for not going yourself!"

"How's that fair?!"

"I'm spending my hard earned bits! I get to decide!"

"Fine! I don't care anymore! Get your stupid white bread!" I heard the front door slam shut. Finally! I can monologue in peace! Suddenly, the front door opened again. "Cloud!"

"Oh for Realta's sake, Twilight! I'm not getting brown bread!"

"No, not that! There's a stampede!"

The town was shaking more vigorously than Applejack's hoofshake. Everypony was screaming and running indoors. Pinkie vibrated past me, saying something I didn't pick up. I aligned myself to be on the path of the stampede and readied my stance and-

"Look there!" Shouted Rainbitch, pointing towards the stampede. Can't I monologue and narrate in peace?! I looked towards the stampede to see Applejack herding the cows away from the town. Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie, Rainbitch and Twilight grouped up to watch Applejack.

"This is the best rodeo show I've ever seen!" Exclaimed Pinkie, shoving her face into a box of popcorn. I rolled my eyes. Why did Twilight even call me out here?

"Well," I said as I walked away from the group, "I've got some white bread to buy. See you girls later."

A week had passed and Pinkie was throwing a party to celebrate Applejack or something. I hadn't been paying much attention. I'd arrived early to see if she needed any help setting up, which she did. She needed my help hanging some things up with levitation. After finishing what I was doing, I walked over to Twilight and Rarity.

"Is Applejack all set?" Twilight asked. Spike was sitting on her back, but since he was next to Rarity he might as well have been a mindless drone.

"Actually, I haven't seen her all week," answered Rainbitch, flying down to us.

"Not since the stampede!" Pinkie added, walking over to us. That was a weird pony combo...

"But she'll be here for sure," said Rainbitch, "Applejack is never late!" She probably just jinxed it. Nah, Applejack will be here! What the buck?! Holy bucking shit! Intruder in my brain! Why do you have different colours of yourself? It seems kinda silly to me! AGH! N-no! Stay back! I have leprechauns! They'll bite your nose off! But I'm a thought! I don't have a nose, silly! Quick! Think of an excuse to get out!

"Well then!" I shouted out of desperation, "I need to go now!"

"Why?" Asked Pinkie, "We were having a perfectly good thought-conversation!" What?! Run! Run now!

"I need to eat bread!" I yelled, then teleported back to the library. What the buck was that?! I'm gonna have nightmares for weeks!

I was back at the Town Hall for Applejack's award ceremony thing. I don't even know what's going on anymore. I should really pay more attention. Twilight was trying to give a speech and Ponies were interrupting her.

"Anypony else?" She asked. "Anypony? No? Well then, as I was trying to say..." The mayor looked at her to cue her to finish. Twilight threw her cue cards in the air and let out an exasperated groan. "Never mind!" The mayor cleared her throat before speaking.

"And so, with no further ado; it is my privilege to give the prize Pony of Ponyville Award to our beloved guest of honor, a Pony of the utmost trustworthiness, reliability, and integrity. Ponyville's most capable and dependable friend: Applejack!" The stage curtains pulled back to reveal... an empty stage. Is this gonna be a running gag at Town Hall or what? Spike hadn't realized Applejack wasn't on stage yet.

"Cool!" He cheered. "Way to go Applejack, that was awesome! I mean-" His cheeks reddened as he realized she wasn't there. The mayor cleared her throat again and Spike rubbed his arm. "Awkward..."

"Ah'm here! Ah'm here!" Applejack called out, yawning. She slowly made her way to the stage murmuring incoherently. "Thank you kindly for this here... award thingy. It's so bright and shiny and, heh, heh heh, ah sure do look funny, heh." She started making funny faces in its reflection. Pinkie Pie soon joined her.

"O-kay..." Said Twilight. "Well, thank you Applejack for saving us from that scary stampede and always being there for everypony!" Applejack yawned more.

"Yeah. Ah like helping the Pony folks and... and stuff." She started snoring for a few seconds before regaining her senses. "Oh, uh, yeah. Uh, Thanks!" She grabbed the handle of the trophy and dragged it along, walking backwards. There was an awkward silence for a few seconds as Applejack left.

"Well," I said to Spike, "that's my cue to get back to studying." I teleported back to my room at the library.

There was a pleasant, gentle breeze on the balcony of the library. It was the perfect place to read a book. I looked up to see the beautiful skyline. This is a great spot to study, I'm glad Twilight recommended it to me. It reall- Wait, what's that rainbow streak in the distance? It's getting closer... Is that coming straight to here or wh- There was a loud crash and everything was pain.

One unconscious Pegasus later, I was on my way to see Applejack. Twilight had insisted on coming with me but I had told her that she didn't need to worry. Even though Applejack's mistake with Rainbitch had broken my collarbone and a couple of legs, even though the crash caused hundreds of bits worth of property damage to the library and even though I had to sit in the waiting room of the hospital in agonizing pain for an hour before the doctors could fix me up because most of the town was being violently sick (courtesy of Applejack's cupcakes), I wasn't mad. I would handle the situation responsibly. Eventually she caved in and let me go, believing my blatant lies.

Every tree I passed in the orchard had baskets pre-placed underneath. I followed the trail of filled baskets until I saw the orange cretin herself. She tried to buck a tree, missed, and fell asleep standing up. I walked over to her and punched her in the face, producing a satisfying cracking sound. She fell onto her back and woke up.

"Ow!" She exclaimed, rubbing where I had punched, "Cloud? What in tarnation was that for?!"

"Applejack," I started bluntly as she stood up. "Why are you terrorizing Ponyville?"

"What are you talkin' about? Ah ain't terrorized nopony! Why'd you hit me?!" She glared at me. Resist the urge to correct her double negative... I pulled out a checklist and began reading from it.

"Two hundred and fifty bits worth of property damage from firing Ponies from catapults and ruining everypony's gardens with rabbit stampedes, five hundred bits worth of hospital bills from poisoned Ponies from those bio-weapons you claimed to be cupcakes, two shed loads of vomit from said Ponies, three broken legs, one shattered collarbone, six cracked ribs and a sprained wing." I looked up from the checklist to see the look of horror on Applejack's face. "I'll ask again; why are you terrorizing Ponyville?"

"But... Ah was tryin' to help everypony..."

"Well you weren't."

"Ah know... It's just ah was so tired from harvesting ah'll these apples."

"Why are you doing it alone anyway?"

"Because-"

"Actually, I don't really care. I've done what I wanted here. See you later." I teleported back to the library. That conversation would have ended in me helping her, which I don't want to do. Maybe I should have helped her anyway. I'm already feeling guilty... No! She broke my collarbone an-

"Cloud!" Called Twilight. "Are you up there?! Did you come back already?!"

"Yes, I'm back!" I shouted to her.

"How did it go with Applejack?!"

"I punched her in the face then left before she could ask for my help!"

"What?! You said you weren't mad!"

"I lied!" Twilight groaned loudly.

"I'm going to see if Applejack's okay, I'll deal with you later!" The front door slammed, signaling her leave. There was a knock at my bedroom door.

"Yes?" I asked.

"It's me," Spike replied, "can I come in?"

"Yeah, sure." He came in.

"Hey. So what happened? Did you really punch her?"

"Yeah."

"Oh. Okay then." There was an awkward silence for a few seconds. "I'm surprised you didn't punch Rainbow Dash for crashing into you."

"Oh, don't you worry, Spike. I did better than just punch her." I grinned evilly. "In fact, I think she's still unconscious!" Spike shuddered.

"Remind me to never get on your bad side..."

Author's Notes:

The last chapter was extra serious for plot related reasons, so this one's more silly for non-plot related reasons.
Next chapter is Gilda. It's gonna be fun!

---

Revised 06/01/2015 (DD/MM/YYYY, I'm English).

Griffon The Brush-Off (Revised)

The library balcony was still being repaired, so instead of going up there to study, I went to the park. It wasn't as peaceful as the balcony but it was at least something. Unfortunately, Pinkie was here as well.

"She was like a stunt superstar!" Exclaimed Pinkie. "Flying higher and higher, and then Rainbow Dash swooped down, swoosh! And right before she hit the ground, shoom! She pulled up!" It was getting hard to write notes with her talking my ear off.

"Pinkie," I said bluntly, "I need to study. The Elements of Harmony were destroyed. If I don't up my game then the next time a super villain attac-"

"Rainbow Dash!" Yelled Pinkie, as she flew over us. Pinkie chased after her, finally leaving me alone to study.

I was studying a way to create stronger magic bolts. Normally, I could either create dozens of weak bolts that automatically fly towards targets, which I had used to shut Rainbitch up, or create one big bolt that would only go straight in the direction I fired it, like I had used when fighting Nightmare. I was researching on finding a good middleground; a bolt that was strong enough to do decent damage but still directed itself at a target I assign it. I figured I could also use the research to make smaller, denser fireballs as well. The one I'd hurled at Nightmare was great, but because of its size it was slow and easy for her to dodge.

After about half an hour of writing I had run out of parchment. I needed to go back to library and get more, so I stood up and stretched myself out. Being able to quickly get to materials was another reason that the balcony was a better place for studying than the park. I should learn a spell to repair stuff. Ponies would be less likely to distract me. Although it is Pinkie I'm thinking about. I know, right? Why am I answering myself? I don't know... I packed up my things into my saddlebags and teleported back to the library. I may as well finish the research here now that I'm back. Spike had just come downstairs.

"Hi, Cloud!" He greeted happily.

"Hey, Spike," I replied. We brohoofed as he walked up to me.

"Did you finish the book already? You're here sooner than I thought you would be."

"I ran out of parchment. I was gonna grab some and just finish the research here." Spike sighed.

"You as well? Twilight ran out of parchment just now, I was about to go and get some more."

"I'll come with you, I'm ahead of my schedule anyway." We left the library and started walking to a parchment store. "So what does Twilight need parchment for?"

"She's trying her hoof at potion making. She's only starting with something simple though. Something to cure common diseases or something like that."

"Hmm. I hadn't thought about potions. Could be useful if I get into a fight and need something to give me a good boost."

"Just don't ask Twilight for any. Chemistry has never been one of her strong points. Hey, what do you do for money anyway? I just realized you hadn't told me yet."

"Huh. I haven't have I? Well, I pretty much just do any random jobs I can find. For instance, when Pinkie is off somewhere being Pinkie, the Cakes need an extra pair of hooves to help them bake. Or if a house needs painting, I can just apply it directly with magic. Pretty much just anything I can get really."

"Cool. So how much more powerful are you from when you fought Nightmare Moon?"

"Well... That's hard to say. When I was fighting Nightmare I somehow tapped into ancient magic, I would have been destroyed if I didn't manage to. I can't use it now, unfortunately. It might be linked to my adrenalin since it only activated after I really got riled up. My other magic is stronger though, I can cast spells much more efficiently and also a lot faster. I can also do way more before getting tired now."

"I still can't believe you beat a Pony that even Princess Celestia couldn't beat without using the Elements of Harmony! It's insane!"

"Yeah. I just wish I could remember who I am and why I'm so skilled in the first place."

"The Princess herself is looking into it! She'll find something!"

"Well, hopefully. We'll find out at the gala."

We bought the scrolls we needed and headed outside again. Suddenly there was a loud bang from above us. Shit! We're under attack!

"Spike, get down!" I yelled as I fired three semi-powerful magic bolts towards where it had come from. I looked immediately up to see if they would meet their target, but what I saw wasn't what I expected. The creator of the noise was Rainbitch with a thundercloud. The first bolt she managed to avoid, the second went a bit to the right and hit the cloud, exploding and destroying it and the third bolt she'd managed to duck under, but not without it singing her mane.

"What the buck?!" She shouted at me. "We were only playing a harmless prank! Why'd you attack me, dweeb?!" I looked at Spike to see what had happened to him. He was taking cover inside the shop, but the parchment was lying in a puddle of mud. I grinded my teeth in anger.

"Wasting my time and money! So bucking harmless! Well guess what prankster?" I cast a spell on her and she fell to the ground, "Now you can't fly for twelve hours!" I gathered up the muddy parchment with telekinesis as Rainbitch demonstrated her knowledge of swear words. "Spike, I'll meet you back at the library." I teleported back to the library with the muddy parchment.

"Cloud?" I turned to see Twilight behind me. "Why do you have muddy parchment?" I sighed.

"Long story. If you need me I'll be trying to separate the mud with magic. See you later." I went upstairs to my room. Micro level levitation. This is gonna take hours...

Getting the mud out of the parchment had taken about five hours. I'd gone to bed immediately afterwards due to exhaustion and ended up sleeping in, putting me behind schedule. I went downstairs to make myself some toast, but as I got down there I saw Pinkie complaining to Twilight about something. I was too stressed and tired to care so I just carried on with making toast, but as I made my way back into the main room of the library I overheard some of what Pinkie was saying.

"...My attitude? But I... Do- Bu- It's Gilda that... Du- Are you seri-?!" She let out a frustrated cry before leaving.

"Do I even wanna know what that was about?" I asked as I munched on my toast. Twilight rolled her eyes.

"Pinkie's upset that Rainbow Dash is spending time with another friend and she's accusing that friend of being mean." She sighed before getting a more serious look on her face. "And speaking of being mean, why did you act the way you did towards Rainbow yesterday? Spike told me all about it." I glanced towards Spike, who was grinning sheepishly.

"Rainbitch was being an ass-hat so I cast a spell to block her Pegasus magic. It's worn off by now anyway, she'll be fine." I took another bite of my toast.

"Cloud, you and Rainbow need to-"

"Twilight, just stop. I will never stop hating Rainbitch, so don't bother saying anything like; 'ooh! You needs to be friends and stuff! I'm obsessed with brown bread!'" I finished the rest of my toast.

"I don't sound like that! And I'm not obsessed with brown bread, either!"

"Uh huh. Whatever you say, Twilight." I burped loudly and walked towards the door. "I'm going job hunting, see you later."

The main street was about as busy as it would get on a weekday. Well, unless there was an event of some kind. Then it would be busier. Wait... Is it even a weekday? I need to keep better track of time, it'll help me in the long run. I've never understood that metaphor. What run? Am I running from something? Is there a race? Or is i- My thoughts were cut off as I bumped into Fluttershy.

"Sorry, Fluttershy," I said. "I wasn't looking where I was going."

"Oh... That's okay, Cloud," She replied. "I was just taking these ducks and their children to a nicer pond for them to live in." I looked and saw two ducks and seven ducklings following Fluttershy as she lead them backwards.

"Okay. See you later." I say that a lot...

"Goodbye, Cloud." She continued walking backwards, leading the ducks. Why is she going through town? Why not go around? It would probably be safer. Because going around would take ages. Oh yeah... Suddenly, Fluttershy bumped into a Griffon behind her. Huh, you don't really see many Griffons in Ponyville. "Please excuse me-"

"I'm walkin' here!" The Griffon exclaimed angrily.

"Oh- Um- I'm sorry-" Apologized Fluttershy, backing away. "I-I was just trying to-"

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" The Griffon mocked. "Why don't you just watch where you're going, doofus?" The ducks scattered as she marched closer towards Fluttershy.

"B-b-b-but I... I..." The Griffon brothe inward, probably about to roar. She never got to as she was busy recovering from the magic bolt that had hit her in the face.

"Who the buck did that?!" She yelled as I walked towards her.

"I did." I answered, my horn flaring up for my next attack.

"What the buck do you think you're doing?!"

"Cleaning some trash off of the streets. I've found a very filthy pile of trash that needs to be cleaned up." She started grinding her beak in anger.

"Say. That. Again."

"Okay; you are a piece of shit."

"Give me one good reason I shouldn't kill you right now!"

"The fact that you're so stupid that you need me to repeat myself all of the time?" She screamed out of anger.

"Come here, you bucking stick head!" She leapt towards me, slashing her talons. I shocked her with a lightning bolt from my horn strong enough to knock her down, then picked her up with telekinesis, flipped her upside down and floated her in front of me.

"Oh no!" I said in a mocking voice. "The scawy Gwiffon said a no-no word! She needs to sit in the naughty corner!" I threw her into a nearby vegetable stand, destroying it and covering her in different juices. She screamed again and flew towards me, talons outstretched. I teleported behind her, making her to smash into the wall behind me. She tried flying towards me again. This time I threw up a Force Barrier, sending her back into the wall. I stood over her. "Are you gonna buck off now, or am I gonna have to take this further?" She nodded slowly and flew away. "Bitch..." I muttered under my breath.

I walked over to the vegetable stand to pay the manager for the damage I'd caused. Nopony bucks with Fluttershy. Well she wasn't a Pony, she was- Shut up, me! I know what I mean!

I counted the bits I'd earned from today's job as I walked back to the library. Fifty bits was a pretty good haul, but paying for the vegetable stand had cost me twenty five, so in reality I hadn't earned much at all. I sighed. I really need to learn a repair spell. My life would be so much easier with one. I can learn one after I've finished researching more into magic bolts. They're the most convenient attack I know, improving them would help me an amazing amount. I monologue a worrying amount. I'm still not sure I'm even mentally stable.

"Hey!" Shouted the unmistakable voice of the cyan prat. I rolled my eyes and turned to see what she wanted to say. I-

"Ow!" She had punched me in the jaw. "What the buck?!"

"Don't mess with my friends, dweeb!"

"What the buck are you talking about, bitch?!"

"Gilda told me what you did to her! Attacking her in an alley for no good reason!"

"Oh, an alley?! Is that what she told you?!" I struck her with an uppercut, momentarily stunning her. "Well guess what? She lied, you moron!" Rainbitch went for another punch, but I caught it with my hoof. While I was distracted by the first hoof, she hit me in the eye with her other one. I sucker punched her then spun around and bucked her in the chin. She went sprawling, but flew up before she hit the ground. She quickly flew towards me, her right hoof ready for a flying punch. I levitated a large rock at the last second as a shield. There was a loud cracking sound as her hoof hit against it. Rainbitch reared up and cried out in pain. I hit her in the chest with a magic bolt, sending her flying back towards a nearby tree. There was a sound of cracking wood as she smashed into it. "Why don't you try asking Fluttershy about what happened? Maybe then you'll stop being such a moron! Oh wait! That's impossible! You're always a moron!"

I walked back to the library, grinding my teeth the whole way. Buck! Buck her! Buck everything! Why is she such a bucking bitch?! Once again, thanks to that bucker, I need to go to the hospital! One week it's almost falling to my death! Next I'm in a coma because she didn't catch me again! Then she breaks my collar bone! Now I need my face healed! Can there just be one week where she doesn't ruin everything?! I slammed open the library door.

"Hey, Astral-Ass!" I called out. "You home?!" There was no answer. I'll grab a few books then head over to the hospital. Argh! Now I need to spend the little money I earned today on hospital bills! Why must she ruin my bucking life?! I'm going to a bar after this, I need to get wasted...

Author's Notes:

The 'no fly' spell is partially based off of how there's a magic blocking spell in 'The Equestria Games' episode, but blocking pegasi magic instead.
This chapter was really fun to write! I think I'm getting better at writing fight scenes too!

---

Revised 16/02/2015 (DD/MM/YYYY).

Boast Busters

"Come on Cloud!" Spike cheered. "You can do it!" We were in the library. Spike was helping me practice some new spells.

"Okay, let's do this." I aimed my horn at the broken bottle on the floor and poured magic into my horn, willing it into a spell. The broken pieces of glass slowly crept towards each other. Suddenly they flew towards each other, forming a bottle once more!

"Ha ha! You did it!" We brohoofed. "You finally learned a repairing spell!" I grinned.

"Thanks for the support Spike! Here, have a stache!" I cast a quick growing spell and gave him a glorious black mustache. Spike grinned.

"Thanks, Cloud!" He ran over to a mirror. "Hello, Rarity. What's that? Aw, it's nothin', just my awesome mustache!"

"What are you two doing down there?" Asked Twilight as she came downstairs. "It's five in the morning, why haven't you gone to bed yet?"

"Pinkie Pie gave us some of her new cupcakes to try."

"So?"

"They were experimental," I explained. "She was trying to make a cake with enough sugar to give a Pony loads of energy but without making them hyper. They went a little bit wrong and now we aren't gonna be able to sleep for the next couple of days."

"Well keep the noise down, you woke me up. Wait... Spike, why do you have a mustache?"

"Cloud gave it to me with a growing spell!" Answered Spike. "Isn't it awesome?!"

"You can't keep it."

"Why not?!"

"Because I'm your legal guardian and I say so."

"What?!"

"Say goodbye to the mustache Spike."

"No! Twilight! Wait!" Twilight cast some magic and his mustache was gone. "Aw..."

"What the heck, Twilight?" I asked. "Why can't he have a stache?"

"Because I said so."

"But- Oh! Okay. Don't worry, Twilight, your secret's safe with me!" I said slyfully, winking at her.

"What? What are you talking about?"

"I didn't realize you were that kind of mare! No wonder you don't want him to not have a stache. Realta knows what you would have done to him!"

"I don't get what you-" Suddenly, she realized what I was implying. Her cheeks reddened. "N-no! That's not why!"

"Don't worry, Twilight. We all have our secrets."

"I- Uh- I-I'm going back upstairs now. I'm going back to bed!"

"Okay, Twilight. Remember to lock your door so nopony interrupts your 'sleeping'."

"N-No! I'm not going to-! Argh! Just forget it! Goodbye!" She went back upstairs and I heard her door slam. Spike turned to me, confused.

"What were you talking about, Cloud?"

"You'll find out when you're older!"

Spike and I were walking through town. We didn't particularly need anything, we were just going around for the heck of it.

"I can't believe how much magic you have!" Exclaimed Spike. "Unicorns usually only have a little talent that matches their special talent."

"Well my cutie mark says that my talent is a... circle thing," I said as I looked at my butt. It looks like the circle thing that appeared below me when I was fighting Nightmare. Celestia claimed it was ancient magic, so does that mean my talent is using it or something? If it's that, then why can't I ever summon it back? "It's probably related to magic in some way, so my talent would be doing magic, which makes me being good with magic make sense. So it's probably that."

"I don't think there's another unicorn in all of Equestria with your kind of ability, Cloud!" I grinned.

"That'd be awesome, but there's probably somepony else with ludicrous magic. If there isn't, then being a backup defense thingy is gonna be a cakewalk."

"Gangway!" Yelled a young male voice, "Coming through!" Two young unicorns, one orange and one blue, ran towards us. They ploughed into Spike, carrying him along with them.

"Snips, Snails!" Spike shouted to them, "What's going on?" They stopped suddenly, sending Spike crashing into the ground.

"What?" Asked the orange one, "Haven't you heard? There's a new unicorn in town!"

"Yeah!" The blue one added, "They say that she's got more magical powers than any other unicorn ever!" It took a lot of effort to hold back my laughter. Well, looks like this weeks entertainment is here!

"No way, that honor goes to Cloud!"

"W-were is this unicorn that y-you claim to be s-so great and p-powerful?" I said, stuttering from holding back my laughter.

"She's in the town square!" Exclaimed the orange one, "Come on!"

"Yeah!" The blue one added, "Come on!" This is bucking hilarious! "Whooo!"

"Come on, Spike," I said, "I'm gonna bust a nut holding back all of this laughter!"

Spike and I arrived at the town square to find a portable stage surrounded by a crowd of ponies. We pushed our way to the front to stand next to our friends and Rainbitch. A voice started saying dramatic stuff to the crowd.

"Come one, come all! Come and witness the amazing magic, of the great and powerful; Trixie!" C-can't... Hold... Much... Longer... A unicorn teleported onto the stage, wearing a purple wizard hat and a matching cloak. That was just too much. I fell over laughing, not caring about the confused looks of the rest of the crowd, nor the glare from 'the great and powerful' Trixie. "Why are you laughing?! Have you gone mad realizing how pathetic you are compared to the great and powerful Trixie?!" That just made me laugh harder. "Stop laughing!" Tears were streaming down my face. "Oh! I get it! You're jealous of the great and powerful Trixie!" Finally, my laughing subsided.

"You tell yourself that." I managed to blurt out while gasping for breath. Damn, laughing is tiring...

"Watch in awe as the great and powerful Trixie performs the most spectacular feats of magic ever witnessed by pony eyes!" A few small fireworks went off.

"My, my, my!" Rarity exclaimed, "What boasting! Just because one has the ability to perform lots of magic does not make one better than the rest of us!"

"Especially when you've got me around being better than the rest of us!" Said Rainbitch.

"Go away before you hurt somepony with your dangerously low IQ." I said bluntly.

"Screw you, stick-head!"

"Please don't. I don't want an STD."

"Buck you, you son of a-!" I teleported her away before she could finish her sentence.

"Well, well, well," Said Trixie, "it seems we have some neighsayers in the audience. Who is so ignorant as to challenge the magical ability of the Great and Powerful Trixie? Do they not know that they're in the presence of the most magical unicorn in all of Equestria?"

"Just who does she think she is?" Asked Rarity.

"Yeah!" Spike shouted, "Since we all know that Cloud here is way more skilled than her!"

"You mean this pathetic excuse for a unicorn?" Asked the badly dressed show-off, "Trixie has magic strong enough to vanquish the dreaded ursa major!"

"Aw, that's cute," I mocked as the crowd gasped, "I beat the crap out of Nightmare Moon!"

"What? You expect me to just believe that nonsense? Hah! Where's your proof?"

"I have my five friends here along with Princess Luna herself as witnesses. Even Celestia saw my handiwork after I'd finished with her! If you want your evidence, you can ask either of the Princesses."

"Howd'ya like them apples?" Added Applejack.

"Fine!" Said Trixie, snottily. "Find a way to contact Princess Celestia and then I'll believe you!"

"Sure." I turned to Spike, "Spike, take a letter;

Dear Princess Celestia,

I need you to come down to Ponyville and tell an annoying unicorn that I did in fact stop Nightmare to see the look on her face when she realizes she's made an ass of herself claiming to be the most powerful unicorn while saying offensive things to everypony as she thinks she's above everypony else. It would be hilarious.

Your faithful coma patient;
Cloud Calculation.

Okay Spike, send it."

"Uh... Really?" He asked, "Don't you think Princess Celestia would be against doing something like that at somepony else's expense?"

"Nah, she'll love it!"

"Okay then..." He brothe a small stream of fire onto the letter, causing it to disappear. Shortly after, he burped up a reply from Celestia. He cleared his throat before reading it aloud:

"Dear Cloud Calculation,

Just give me ten minutes to finish some things and I'll be right there!

Yours sincerely,
Princess Celestia."

"Well you heard it folks!" I called to the crowd, "Celestia will be here in ten minutes!" This is a good day!

About ten minutes later, Celestia arrived in a golden Canterlot carriage. The audience bowed to her as she walked onstage. Trixie (and a lot of the audience) looked flabbergasted that I hadn't been lying.

"Cloud Calculation was the pony that defeated Nightmare Moon," Celestia announced to the audience. "This feat is surely greater than whatever Trixie Lulamoon has claimed to have done."

"But Trixie stopped an ursa major from destroying Hoofington!" Shouted either Snips or Snails. Celestia was quiet for a moment.

"Hoofington has never been attacked by and ursa major." The crowd gasped dramatically and started muttering among themselves. I felt Celestia send me a psychic message: Thanks for calling me down here, this is the most fun I've had all month! I sent her one back: I know right?! The only way this could be better is if she came back here one day demanding a magic duel or something!

Celestia left a little while afterwards and Trixie snuck out of Ponyville when nopony was paying attention to her, I didn't bother bringing this up as I had realized something amazing:

I had gone a week without needing a hospital appointment.

Author's Notes:

Dragonshy

When the circle had erupted beneath me it allowed me to fly and was controlled by what I willed it to do. The circle also let me draw power from it and power myself up, which is what inspired my Magistamp spell. Flight had been incredibly useful, so for the past week I had been practicing self-levitation. I'd gotten the hang of it pretty quickly, but unlike with the circle I couldn't cast any other spells while using it. It wasn't very fast, and if anything broke my concentration I would fall until I recast the spell. It was very energy consuming to the point where teleporting was easier.

My energy levels themselves were great however, I could stay levitated for about an hour and a half before getting noticeably tired, and every day that time increased. Every day I became stronger, but every day I was still clueless about the circle. Furthermore, after some calculations I discovered that the circle's magic had quadrupled my abilities.

I'd also experimented with the limits of the repair spell I had learned; the bigger the thing I was repairing, the more energy it took to repair. I couldn't use it to repair injuries in the form of cuts, but I could use it to repair broken bones if all of it was still there. If there was a piece too far away from what I was trying to fix then it just wouldn't work. Most importantly-

"Hey, Cloud!" Called Pinkie. "Why're you standing in the middle of the park with a blank look on your face unblinking?"

"Pinkie, be quiet," I replied. "I'm thought monologuing."

"Ooh! I love thought monologuing! But not as much as I like parties and balloons and cake and sugar and-"

"Pinkie, stop."

"-All of my friends in Ponyville and Gummy and-"

"Pinkie, stop!"

"-My best friends 'cause I'm friends with everyone in Ponyville but my closest friends are extra special-"

"Pinkie! Stop!"

"-'Cause we went on an adventure and we hang out more and we're closer and-"

"Pinkie Pie! Shut up!"

"-Include you and Twilight and Applejack and Rarity and Rainbow and Fluttershy-"

"PINKIE! STOP!"

"-Ooh look! Fluttershy's here too!" Sure enough, Fluttershy was standing next to us. She looked like she was trying to say something, but I couldn't hear her over Pinkie. "Hi Fluttershy! I was talking to Cloud about things I love in Ponyville and you and Cloud and Twilight and Applejack and Rarity and Rainbow are my closest friends and-" I teleported Pinkie back to Sugarcube Corner and turned back to Fluttershy.

"What were you trying to say, Fluttershy?"

"There's-" She started before being cut off by Twilight's shouting.

"Listen up!" She shouted, "Smoke is spreading over all of Equestria." I looked up and surely enough, there was a large cloud of deep black smoke hanging over the sky. Oh. Well shit. This weeks event is here. Why is there always a week between everything interesting that happens here? And why is stuff happening so much here? "But don't worry, I've just received a letter from Princess Celestia informing me that it is not coming from a fire." Damn it! A fire would be easy to deal with. If it's not coming from a fire then that means- "It's coming from a dragon." Buck me with a rake and pour milk into my ears. Well, this will probably be my last chance to monologue for a while, I may as well finish it.

Most importantly, my repair spell would cancel out if I broke concentration.

"What in the name of all things cinnamon swirled is a full grown dragon doing here in Equestria?" Asked Applejack. Twilight had called the rest of our friends and Rainbitch to the library, most likely to discuss how to deal with the situation.

"I don't know," I replied. "What do fully grown dragons do normally?"

"Uh... Eat, sleep n' horde?"

"Then probably that."

"It's sleeping," Explained Twilight, flicking through a book. "According to Princess Celestia, he's taking a nap. His snoring is what's causing all this smoke."

"He should really see a doctor," Said Pinkie. "That doesn't sound healthy at all."

"Well," Added Rarity, "at least he's not snoring fire. What are we meant to do about it?"

"Stop it, probably." I answered.

"Yes," continued Twilight, "We need to encourage him to take a nap somewhere else. Princess Celestia has given us this mission, and we must not fail. If we do, Equestria will be covered in smoke for the next one hundred years."

"Talk about getting your beauty sleep!" Rarity exclaimed.

"All right everypony, I need you to gather supplies quickly. We've got a long journey ahead of us. Let's meet back here in less than an hour." The others grunted in affirmation and left the library. Fluttershy muttered something that I didn't catch before leaving herself.

"So how long will the journey be?" I asked Twilight.

"It could take a few days if we're unlucky, prepare yourself well."

"Okay." I headed upstairs to pack some spell books, cider and bread into some spare saddlebags.

We were gathered outside the library. Twilight started pacing in front of us.

"All right everypony," she started, "listen up. I'm mapping out the fastest route, but we've all got to keep a good pace if we expect to make it up the mountain by nightfall. If we run into too many obstacles it could take up to five days to reach the top. The dragon is in a cave at the highest peak."

"Looks pretty cold up there," said Applejack. Rainbitch attempted speech, but since she was so stupid I just blocked her out.

"Good thing I brought my scarf!" Rarity exclaimed, bringing out a scarf from her saddlebags. Pinkie admired them and Rainbitch slurred more stupid nonsense. Fluttershy walked up to Twilight.

"Um," she said quietly, "excuse me, Twilight? I know you're busy, but..."

"Uh-huh," Twilight said to herself, not noticing Fluttershy. "Well, we could go this way."

"But if I could just have a second..."

"Uh-huh. No, we want to avoid that."

"So, um, I was thinking that, um, maybe I should just stay here in Ponyville."

"Uh-huh."

"Oh! Good!" She started to walk away. "I'll stay here and-"

"Wait! You have to come! Your way with wild animals will surely come in handy."

"I don't think I-"

"Oh, and don't worry about your little friends in the meadow. Spike's got it covered while you're gone."

"Actually Twilight, I don't think she should come either," I confessed, "Fluttershy probably wont be useful to us against a dragon. No offense, Flutters."

"None taken," said Fluttershy.

"But she's good with animals!" Argued Twilight, "she'll be a huge help!"

"You're right, she's good with animals. She wont be good with a giant, fire breathing, heavily armoured monster. No offense, Spike."

"None taken," said Spike.

"She's our last resort!" Exclaimed Twilight, "if it starts to attack she can calm it down!"

"Twilight," I said bluntly, "Fluttershy can't stop a dragon. I have my plans, there's no need to be stupid. All the offense, Cyan-Twat." Rainbitch started blurting her stupidity again. "Anyway, like I said; I have my own plan." I whispered my plan into Twilight's ear. Her face lit up when I finished.

"That might just work. We wont use that immediately, but we'll definitely use that if our initial plans fail. Are you sure you're strong enough for all of it at once?" I nodded. "Okay then. I still want Fluttershy to come along. We wont use her as a last resort but after your plan has started, she'll be the best one for the next step."

"Actually, using her for step two is a good idea. Nice thinking, Twi." She nodded in thanks.

"All right everypony, move out!"

We began our trek towards the mountain.

We were at the base of the mountain. It was very... Vertical. Climbing it was going to be difficult. There was a loud rumbling and the ground shook. The snoring I presume...

"That's the dragon snoring," Twilight explained. Fluttershy shivered and trembled.

"It-it's so... high!"

"Only a month later and we're already adventuring again," I muttered to myself, "hopefully this one wont end in a coma." We began walking up a slightly less-steep area of the mountain, heading to what looked like some sort of path.

"I hear the only thing that sparkles more than a dragon's scales are the jewels they use to build their nests!" Exclaimed Rarity, "Ooh, if I play my cards right, I might be able to convince him to part with a few!" I was wondering why she was coming with us.

"Welcome to my cave, Rarity" Pinkie growled, impersonating a dragon. "Care for a diamond?" She roared dramatically, and everypony except Twilight laughed at her.

"This is no laughing matter!" Twilight exclaimed, "Fluttershy, you're the expert on wild creatures. What do you think the dragon will be like?" There was no answer. "Fluttershy?" I looked back. Fluttershy hadn't started climbing yet.

"The slower you climb up here the worse it'll be!" I called down to her.

"I-it's so... So... Steep..."

"You have wings, just fly up here."

"Come on, Fluttershy," cheered Pinkie, "you can do it. Flap those wings!"

"Oh..." Responded Fluttershy, "Okay..." She took a step forward and started flapping her wings. Slowly but surely, she rose into the air. Suddenly there was another snore, and th world around us shook. Fluttershy squealed, closed her wings and fell into a bush underneath her.

"Uh," moaned Twilight, "we don't have time for this!" Applejack took the map out of Twilight's bag. "What are you doing?"

"Ah'll need this if Ah'm going to take her around the mountain another way."

"No need, Applejack," I assured her. I teleported next to Fluttershy, just as there was another snore. Fluttershy fell over, petrified in fear. I lifted her up with levitation and carried her as I walked back up the mountain. "I'll just carry her if she wont come. I'll need to rest my magic in about three hours, though." We continued our trip up the mountain, with me carrying Fluttershy.

It had taken ten hours and three breaks, but we were finally there. The cave entrance was huge. A never ending stream of jet black smoke flowed out from within.

"We're here," Said Twilight, "Rainbow Dash, you'll use your wings to clear the smoke. Rarity and Pinkie Pie, you'll create a diversion to distract the dragon if things get a little hairy in there. Applejack, you're ready with the apples in case he decides to attack. But it shouldn't come to that, because Cloud will do what he needs to do to control him, and between the two of us and Fluttershy, we should be able to get him to understand why he needs to go. Is everypony ready?" I cracked open my last bottle of cider and downed it in one.

"Let's get this over with," I groaned.

"Okay then, we're going in." We walked into the cave. "So, what is the best way to wake up a sleeping dragon without upsetting him? Fluttershy?"

"She didn't come in."

"Ugh-!"

"Look, she wont be useful until step two of my plan anyway. First, we try it your way."

"You keep saying that like you think it's going to fail!"

"No comment." Twilight sighed.

"Let's just get this over with... I'm sure diplomacy will work. He probably just doesn't realize what he's doing. Right?"

"My way is technically diplomacy..."

"Yes, but-" Her sentence cut off as she walked into the dragon's snout. The dragon was bigger than the caves entrance and was coloured red and yellow. She gasped as she realized how big the dragon was. Which wont be a problem when I start my plan. "Excuse me?" The dragon grumbled and let out more smoke. "Mr Dragon?" It grumbles some more and its eyes snapped open. "Oh, good, you're awake. Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Twili-" The dragon breathed out a disgusting smelling lung-full of air, cutting her off. "Sparkle, and my friends and I are residents here in Equestria. Ponyville, to be exact. We've come her to ask that you find another spot to take your nap. It's just that you seem to be doing an awful lot of snoring, and every time you do you send out a terrible cloud of smoke. Equestria simply can't survive a hundred years in a dark haze. You understand, don't you?"

The dragon stood up and stretched out. Twilight looked hopeful. "So you'll find another place to sleep?" She asked it. It crashed back down onto the huge mounds of gold, going back to sleep and letting out loads of smoke. I put up a little Force Barrier spell to stop the smoke getting into my breathing zone.

"Told you it wouldn't work."

"I just need to get the message across to him better, that's all!" She walked up to the dragon again. "Mr Dragon, if you don't move to a new spot, Equestria will be covered in a cloud of smoke." The dragon continued to ignore her. "Ponies won't be able to survive without direct sunlight, farmers wont be able to grow their crops at all." More ignorance. "Please, Mr Dragon-"

"Oh, buck this." I readied my stance and charged up my horn. "I've been carrying Fluttershy up this bucking mountain for ten hours, I'm doing my plan now. Twilight, I might only be able to do a third at a time, distract him if I can't get it all at once." I cast a telekinetic field and felt it cover about a third of the dragons gold. That got his attention. "Twilight, distract him!" I teleported the third of gold to the bottom of the mountain, then started a new telekinetic field over more gold. I couldn't see how Twilight was distracting it but whatever it was, it was working. It took about seven seconds to grab and teleport the next third of gold. Then there was just the last third. I spread a field over it, charged my magical energy and teleported it to the bottom of the mountain. Step one was done.

I'd done some quick research on dragons in the hour before we'd left; dragons grow by hoarding. The more they hoard, the bigger they get. My plan was to get rid of the dragon's hoard, therefore shrinking it and making it pretty much no danger whatsoever. Time to see if it was true. I opened my eyes. Sitting in the middle of the cave was a small dragon about the size of Spike. It's colours were red and yellow, so it was clear it had worked.

"Time for step two," I murmured to myself, "then give back the gold to him, then teleport back to the library and get wasted."

"What the buck have you done?!" Squeaked the tiny dragon.

Bridle Gossip Part 1

I was pretty much done getting stronger for now. Instead, I had been researching goings-on in Equestria. I had also thought more about what Spike had said to me a while ago about potions. I wasn't very good at brewing or at chemistry in general, but potions could be a vital asset to me in a fight.

I had been reading about famous potion brewers in the forest; the Everfree was the only place Pinkie wouldn't follow me and disrupt my reading. I finished my book and decided to walk back to the library rather than teleport. The weather was nice, Rainbitch was nowhere in sight and I wasn't hospitalized. It was a good da- Wait, where is everypony? It's midday, why is the street abandoned? The streets of Ponyville were deserted and empty. A few street stalls had been hastily packed up, leaving a few vegetables and fruits lying on the ground, forgotten.

After walking for a few minutes I started to see a cloaked figure in the distance. The figure was tall and seemed to be digging at the ground slightly with its hoof. I walked over to it to ask it why Ponyville was abandoned. I had almost reached it when it pulled down its hood to reveal... That it was a Zebra. Probably female from the skull structure. I walked up to her.

"Hey!" I called in greeting. "Why's the town deserted?" She looked over to me, with a surprised expression on her face.

"A pony not scared of my guise?" She asked, "of this I am surprised." Was the rhyme intentional?

"Uh... Okay then. So do you know where everypony is? The town being deserted is kinda creeping me out."

"They run like under chase, they are scared of my race." Okay, the rhyming is already annoying.

"Sorry, but why do you keep rhyming when you talk?"

"It is one of my social quirks, it's hard to do but it works."

"Can you stop, please? It's really annoying."

"I will not stop, I will rhyme 'till I drop."

"Seriously, stop." She looked a little sad after I said that.

"O-okay then..." There was an awkward silence for a while.

"So, uh... What do you do for a living?" She looked more positive at that.

"I brew potions for many kinds of remedies." A potion brewer?!

"Seriously?! Can you make stuff that restores stamina and stuff?!"

"Uh... Yes, I can make potions that do that-"

"Fantastic! I need you to make me some really specific stuff as soon as you can! Do you have a shop or something I can visit?"

"My hut is in the Everfree, I can take take you there if you wish."

"Yes! Please do!" She nodded.

"Okay then. Follow me." We walked towards the Everfree.

We headed to her hut so she could prepare me some potions to test out whether they would be good for me in a combat scenario. She told me her name was Zecora. I told her my name was Cloud. We had a general conversation on the way. I farted but it was quiet enough for her not to hear. As you can tell, it was an eventful journey.

Why did I think as you can tell? I'm literally thinking to myself! I don't know, I'm just monolouging to pass the time! Why am I asking myself that in the first place? I already know! For the same reason I'm arguing with myself; I'm probably insane. Hey, I just thought of something... What?

Why would Celestia let some random pony with no memories who has incredible magical power levels strong enough to defeat what is basically an evil goddess more powerful than Equestria's greatest defenses while they show clear symptoms of being clinically insane and is able to mysteriously tap into magic that even the greatest mage in the history of the world couldn't even slightly perform be Equestria's sole protector? I've got a firm and sexy butt? Good point. Anyway, I should probably name the different voices I have in my head. What do I have in mind?

Well; this one should be called the 'Monologing Voice', this one is 'General Thoughts', and this one should be the 'Voice Of Reason'. Sounds good. Oh crap, now the Monologing Voice is a sentient thing. Well, why should I be silent while you two get to talk? Because- Wait, which one of us is in control of our body? Huh. That's a good point. Oh, looks like we'll continue this later. We've arrived. Damn. Well then, Monologue, get to work. Aw... Oh well.

Like I had been thinking, I was at Zecora's hut. She gestured for me to enter first, so I did. The interior was decorated with voodoo-y objects such as tribal masks from probably forein land. That pun was actually painful. Never make that joke again, Monologue. Ugh, fine! I took a seat. Zecora sat opposite to me and we began debating about what potions she would make me.

Zecora had left to gather some supplies. It was about ten minutes before she returned, and when she did she looked pissed.

"What's wrong?" I asked her. She hung her cloak on a hook on the door and sat down before answering me.

"Some ponies from town followed us. They caught up to me when I was gathering plants and started to insult me to my face. I decided to be the good pony in the situation and warn them about the poisonous plants they were standing in, and they insulted me more. It's always this way! When I go to town, they either hide from me in fear or throw trash at me from afar! Why?! Just because I look different from them?!" Tears welled in her eyes. "I can't control the way I was born! You're the first pony I've had a civil conversation with in years! I can't afford to move somewhere else, I make literally no money!" The tears spilled from her eyelids and she curled up. She continued through her sobs. "The only reason I'm not not dead is because I can make potions with the plants in this damned forest! The only reason I live in here is because they wont let me in town without them hiding from me or even attacking me!"

I had never been angrier than I had ever been since I woke up in that moment. I was angrier than when Rainbitch confronted me with violence. I was angrier than when I had beat up Gilda for being such a bitch. I was even angrier than when I had fought Nightmare. The adrenalin from my anger went straight to my magic. It was making me more angry than I had ever been before.

Nightmare had her reasons for being bad. She had been neglected then alone for one thousand years, making her mentally unstable. Trixie had a superiority complex, making her feel justified for being an ass-hat. Gilda had lived her life being tougher than everypony, so she never learned to be respectful as she never had a reason to be. Rainbitch had feuds with me and was a bitch, which was why she attacked me and regularly hospitalized me. But bullies and racists?

They are true evil. They deserve to die. I am going to stop every bully and racist I ever encounter. Why? They caused depression. They caused suicides. They made ponies die. They deserved death themselves.

I'm gonna go to Ponyville to try and stop the bullying. If I fail?

What I did to the fallen god will only be half of what I do to Ponyville.

Author's Notes:

First insanity, then suddenly shit gets real.

---

Sorry for the wait, but it'll happen again at random points. Writers block mixed with procrastination is a bitch. :P This one is in two parts mainly just so you don't have to wait longer, plus what's coming deserves its own chapter.

---

[Much later edit]
This and the next chapter are terrible. I regret writing them.
Don't worry, the story gets better afterwards and nothing like this happens again.

I skipped 'Look Before You Sleep' since it really didn't have any point to it.

Bridle Gossip Part 2

Author's Notes:

This is where the story takes a weird turn. Be warned, this chapter is a bit different from the rest. A weird story arc begins here.

---

[Much later edit]
This and the last chapter are terrible. I regret writing them.
Don't worry, the story gets better afterwards and nothing like this happens again.

I'd spent the night at Zecora's to help her calm down and to make sure she didn't do anything to herself while she was so down. I didn't sleep. At about eight I decided it was time. I took over.

At some point the circle had returned. I'm flying towards Ponyville on the circle. My speed was pretty fast, mostly due to the lack of wind resistance. Oh, it looks like the 'normal' voices have become dormant for now. We're all the same person so they'll remember me later. May as well name myself before they get bullshitty with other stuff. I'm also the only one that seems to know what the buck is happening with us. I guess I'll have to explain that too.

Cloud Calculation has multiple personality disorder. The 'Voice of Reason' and 'General Thoughts Voice' are both him. Arguments further data so he uses himself to expand his mind. The 'Monologue Voice' is something new. They were born from Cloud always thinking about what was going on around him in more detail than needed. They became apparent more recently, sometime around when Cyan-Twat broke his collar bone. They're barely a separate personality, and they're almost fully controlled by Cloud anyway. For now, I'm controlling them instead while Cloud is dormant.

I've been here since the Nightmare fight. I was born from rage and power clashing. I take hold when Cloud needs someone to fight for him. I can control the Arcane Circles (what he calls the 'circle thing') and have full memory of every spell he has ever learnt. Even from before the field. Unfortunately, I only have the spells. Much like Cloud, I can't remember anything else. I can access his memories, but he can't access mine. It wouldn't matter anyway, our memories are almost exact. For now.

Cloud Calculation has his head in the clouds, always thinking. Fits his name really. I hate him, and I hate that this body is his and not mine. But if he's going to be getting into fights, then I will protect this body. I will fight until I die. He's got brains, but I'm more powerful than he can ever imagine. I even gave myself a name:

I am Storm Cloud. And I'm about to bring the thunder.

I dropped the Arcane Circle at the library. Twilight would be the first example to Cloud of what I will do. I slammed open the door to see his five friends plus one. Something was off about everypony but I didn't give a shit.

"Oh, Astral-Ass!" I called to Twilight as I got closer to her. She turned to look at me, looking surprised at the nickname. "It's time for you to answer my questions." I was standing next to her now.

"Cloud?" She replied, "what's wrong with your eyes? They look... Hollow.... Did Zecora get you?"

"Stop talking or I will break you," I explained calmly. Anger makes you stupid, which is why I like to be calm. You need to be clever if you want to make ponies hurt badly.

"Zecora cursed us when we tried to talk to her earlier. Did she get you as well and do something to your eyes?" Zebras are almost exactly like earth ponies, except their magic was with using plants in chemistry rather than farming. There is no way for them to cast spells, hexes or curses. Twilight knows this. "Don't worry, we're gonna go and teach that evil Zebra a less-!"

Different Arcane Circles worked in different ways. The one I had used to fight Nightmare was a Support Circle; it boosted my power from under me and allowed me to fly. Another kind of Arcane Circle was the Kinetic Circle; it made any kinetic based actions about ten times more powerful, but could only be used for quick bursts. A good example of the Kinetic Circle was with a punch, where the Circle would appear to be lying flat on my fist. A normal punch from me would knock you back a bit, but a KC punch could knock down a wall. Speaking of knocking down walls, the back library wall had just exploded from Twilight smashing through it when my KC punch hit her square in the face.

"What the buck are you doing?!" Exclaimed Applejack, Cyan-Twat and Rarity in usion. Twilight lay in the street behind the library, unmoving. A small puddle of blood was forming beneath her.

"I warned her. Anypony else I need to shut up?" Rainbow stormed up to me.

"I asked you what the buck you're doing! You just attacked Twilight!"

"You answered your own question, dumbass. You have five seconds before I fry you with a laser."

"No one hurts my friends and gets away wi-!" I grabbed her with telekinesis, threw her against a bookshelf, shot her in the face with a weak laser and knocked her out. I turned to the others, who looked horrified.

"Who else here needs to be silenced?" I asked again. Applejack, who was tiny for whatever reason, started throwing a hissy fit. I dropped a book on her and she stopped moving. "Who's next?" Rarity charged with her horn pointing at me. I teleported behind her at the last second and she crashed into the wall behind me, knocking herself out.

I picked up Twilight with telekinesis and confined her in magical bonds, too strong for her to break, and a magic blocking hex on her horn. Then I cast a spell of forced consciousness, waking her up. A look of fear crept onto her face as she saw the three bodies of her friends.

"Don't worry, they're probably not dead," I said to her. "Now then, you're going to answer my questions. Okay?" Tears formed in Twilight's eyes.

"W-what? I don-" I backhoofed her across the face, stopping her speech and making her cry harder. No! Stop! What are you doing?! Oh, you're finally back are you? Give me back control of my body! No. If I did that now, you would look for a way to purge me from this mind. I've got to let you know what will happen if you try.

I wont let you do this to me or my friends! Do you think I care about you or your friends? This body will be mine. I will have control. You're powerful enough with magic couldn't you just get a different body for yourself?! I'm not some 'dark entity' mind controlling you, you bucking moron. I'm you. I'm you with a different personality. I am Storm Cloud.

Well if you research how to get rid of me, I'll get research on how to get rid of you! You may be smart, Cloud, but I'm fifty times more powerful than you. I was the one who defeated Nightmare, not you. You'll never have control over the Arcane Circles. What are the Arcane Circles? More power than you can handle. You can never be strong enough to stop me from controlling you. Everything you love will burn. I will succeed. This world will be mine. Well, that escalated quickly. Now you're stuck in the back of your own mind, with no way to come back. I've won before we've even began.

Only one thing you've said so far is right; I am smarter than you. You've made two vital mistakes while we've had this discussion. You've doomed yourself. I can't stop you, but I know who can. Nopony can stop me. Even if you did somehow get control back, you'd have to explain to them about me. You'd be locked up. You'd be considered insane.

Your first mistake was not being mindful of your surroundings. What are you talking about? Let me spell it out for you; who is missing in this scene? Buck you. Spike. And who does Spike have direct contact to? Celestia. Which leads me to your second mistake; what have me and Celestia done in the past to communicate? Thought messages! What does it matter? How can you be this stupid? I'll show you why it matters. Please turn around.

I turned around and saw... Celestia. Celestia casting a thought message spell. She could hear me thinking this entire time. So, you say I'd need an incredibly powerful pony in high places that would believe me about having a split personality? I have jut the one. W-What?! How is this possible?! Cloud is right. You weren't mindful of your surroundings. Spike sent me a letter. I came here and tried to send you a mental message, but heard one already going on. And now, it's time for Cloud to be cured of you.

Celestia hit me with a spell before I could react and I fell to the floor.

Princess Celestia Finds A Sandwich In A Toilet (Celestia's POV)

Cloud Calculation was a strange Pony for a number of reasons. First of all, he was more powerful than one of Equestria's Princesses. Second of all, he had an incredibly rare mental illness that had only been reported in three other Ponies in all of recorded history. Third of all, no records of him existed. Nopony had ever seen or heard of him before he had woken up in the middle of nowhere. No part of him ever existed before that day. And finally, he had accidentally stopped the prophecy of my heir.

The prophecy was simple enough:

The explosion of colour will set the destiny of six Ponies to wield the ultimate magic, and the final harmony will take the throne to Equestria.

Most ponies (including myself) believed this to be a prophecy about an heir to me. There were only two ponies that I knew of who could fit the prophecy. Twilight Sparkle was the first as she had earned her cutie mark because of the sonic rainboom incident, which fitted the 'explosion of colour' part. The cutie mark in question matched the main symbol on the Tree of Harmony, theoretically giving Twilight direct access to the Elements of Harmony.

There were six Elements of Harmony, so what the prophecy said about 'the destiny of six ponies' was more than likely about the Embodiments of Harmony, originating from a separate prophecy. 'The final harmony' likely meaning the ultimate ruler. No more wars, no more terrorists or 'villains' and no more quarrels. Ultimate peace will reign.

Unless it was the other pony that fit the prophecy. If it was the second pony, then things would be... Less appealing. Why am I thinking about this right now? I need to stop monologuing and get back to writing this letter... I was filling out some order forms for decorations that will be used at the Grand Galloping Gala. Ugh, G3... I wish I could just cancel the entire thing. And then ban it. And burn its remains. I sighed. But those snobby Canterlot dicks need something to get off to.

I miss my old castle sometimes, it wasn't surrounded by twats in tacky clothing. Ugh, and I have to pretend I care all the bucking time. Do these arseholes have any idea how shitty it gets being happy and caring for a thousand years? Oh yeah, my beloved sister tries to kill me so I have to banish her to probably never see her again! We must bucking celebrate! It's such a load of horse-shit. Oh great, I'm monologuing again... Suddenly, a royal guard burst through my door, looking dramatic.

"P-Princess Celestia!" He exclaimed frantically, pointing down the hallway. "We've just received word from the royal hospital! Clou-!"

"Sight Watcher," I interrupted with a 'calm' tone. "What have I said about knocking?"

"Y-you said I needed t-to do it more..."

"Yes. I did. Please leave the room and ask for permission to enter."

"But-!"

"Hurry up! Or you'll be guarding moon rocks!" He left the room, closing the doors behind him. There was a small knock.

"Princess Celestia? Can I come in?"

"No."

"But it's urgent!"

"You don't need to ask permission to use the little colt's room."

"What? I don't need to-"

"Did Munch Yum clog it again? I told her to go easy on the fajitas. This happens every Mexicow Monday!"

"But- Wait, why would she be in the gents?"

"You know how she gets when she's had a few drinks. How badly is the toilet clogged?"

"The toilet's not clog-"

"Why don't you get Soap Sud to unclog it for you?"

"He-"

"You're right, it is his day off today."

"I-"

"Follow me, Watcher. I'll show you an unclogging spell."

"But-" I slammed open the doors and grabbed Sight Watcher with my magic, carrying him to the bathroom.

"...And that's the basics to the spell," I was in the bathroom showing Watcher how to unclog toilets with magic. I did the last little bit to it and pulled out what was clogging the toilet. "This is the messy part, you've really got to aim for the bucket quickly. Wait, why is there a cheese sandwich in here? Munch- Oh! It wasn't Munch Yum at all! Luna clogged the toilet! I know how she loves those cheese sandwiches."

"Princess Cele-"

"Don't worry, Watcher. It's okay to be scared, but you've got to tell Luna to stop clogging the toilets with sandwiches!"

"What's happen-?"

"Fine, if you insist. I'll confront her this time, but this time only! You're coming with me. You need to learn to not be scared to poop where Luna's been and also how to confront her sandwich menacing ways!"

"What is love-?"

"I need to get Soap Sud to clean this floor tomorrow, it's getting dirty."

"What is life-?"

"Come along, Watcher. It's time to take down the sandwich terrorist!"

I burst through the doors to Luna's room, startling her awake from her midday slumber.

"LUNA!" I shouted with the Royal Canterlot Voice, "WHY IS THERE A SANDWICH IN THE TOILET?!" Luna was trying to grasp what was happening.

"Sister," she replied to me, "why do you wake us so? We were watching the dreams of ponies in Eurogallop, there was a really good one about these giant bananas eating poop and- Wait, did you say sandwich in the toilet?"

"Yes! I know that it must be you who is the sandwich terrorist! It was a cheese sandwich!" Luna looked confused. "Watcher, arrest her immediately for assault on sandwiches!" I threw Watcher at Luna, missing and hitting her favorite mirror. It shattered into many pieces, stabbing Watcher in the spleen. Watcher screamed.

"Princess!" He cried, bleeding profusely. "Help! It hurts so much!"

"THOU HAVE BROKEN OUR FAVORITE MIRROR!" Luna screamed in the Royal Canterlot Voice angrily, "PREPARE THYSELF FOR A SWIFT AND PAINFUL DEATH" Luna grabbed Watcher by his neck, repeatedly punching him in the face. After a few hits, I stepped in.

"Luna, this is not the way." Luna dropped Watcher back onto the broken glass and turned to look at me, a confused look on her face.

"But sister, he single hoovedly destroyed our antique! Surely he must pay for his crimes!" I shook my head.

"Don't worry, Luna, he will be disciplined for his reckless actions." Suddenly the doors to the room flew open, and the royal masseuse burst in.

"Princess Celestia!" Cried Butt Rubber, "Cloud Calculation has been cured! The doctors sent Watcher to inform you earlier, but her never came back!" I looked to Watcher, disappointed.

"I'm ashamed of you, Watcher. Something important like this comes up, and you pester me with toilet sandwiches when there is important information about Cloud Calculation! You will be punished for this. Or rather, your salary will!"

"No, please Celestia-" He cried out, bleeding onto the carpet.

"You will call our sister by her title, whelp!" Shouted Luna, "you are bleeding into my expensive carpet! This will take hours to clean! Sister! The one known as Soap Sud should get a promotion for his hard work in cleaning carpets and unclogging toilets!"

"I know, Luna. He will be. Soap Sud is a great pony who never stops his hard work, unlike this lazy pony."

"Princess!" Exclaimed Butt Rubber, "you need to get to the hospital!"

"Tell them I'm on my way." Butt ran off down the hallway. I looked down at Watcher. "Now for your discipline. One thousand magical spanks on the plot for you!"

"N-No!" He cried, "please! I need medical attention!"

"Your plot will need medical attention by the time I've finished with it!"

One broken flank later, I headed down to the hospital to check on Cloud Calculation. Removing his second personality was a simple procedure. I'm glad magic exists, otherwise things like this would be so difficult. I went straight to his room where Cloud was unconscious in a bed, and walked up to the royal doctor, Rib Remover.

"Ah, hello Princess Celestia," Greeted Remover, "please take a seat and I will tell you the situation at hoof." He motioned to some chairs. I forced my way into one of the chairs he motioned to, which wasn't easy. I have a bigger butt-size than most ponies, so forcing my butt into a seat designed for smaller butts was a bit f a task. I got settled and he began explaining. "As you know, Cloud was brought here because he was diagnosed with Multiple Personality Disorder, or MPD for short. Removal of the second personality was easy enough but the next step isn't so easy.

"MPD patients can only have one personality in control at a time. When they need to or when they are forced to, they will switch places to the second or original personality. Cloud's second personality was in control when we cured him of MPD, so his original is still dormant for now. Eventually his first personality will return to its normal place, but while it's dormant, Cloud will be unconscious."

"So you're saying that he's in a coma?" I asked, "how long will that be for?"

"I don't know. It could be a week, it could be a year. I have no idea how or why the first personality comes back but it always does. It may be linked to what their mind is doing while dormant, but nopony other than Princess Luna has ever entered the dream world physically." I scratched my chin. Luna may be able to help him wake up faster then...

"Thank you doctor, I will be going now." I forced my butt out of the chair and began to walk off.

"So soon? You've barely arrived!"

"I know," I put on sunglasses, "but I've got a terrorist to de-cheese."

Author's Notes:

you've got to tell Luna to stop clogging the toilets with sandwiches!

Best line I've ever written! XD

The rainbow text took about half an hour. ;_;

Here's how to do it in case you didn't know:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85Qx1hiZVrM

Awakening

I awoke with a start. I was exhausted, sweat coated my body and I had a burning migraine. Every part of me was in pain. I was lying in a field of grass, the sky was clear except for a few clouds dotted around. There was a river a couple of meters to my- Wait, what? Hasn't this already happened? Looking around I could see that I was back in the field again and I had the same injuries as before. What in Tartarus is going on?! Ow! A received a sharp pain from my foreleg as I tried to reach up and massage my forehead. I walked over to the river and drank for a while.

Alright, now what the buck is going on? Uh... I was at Zecora's... I got angry at racists... I was violated by an alternate personality... Celestia knocked me out... And I woke up here? I don't know what's happening... No shit, me. I should head to Ponyville to see what the buck is going on.

I heard the flapping of wings and looked up to see a small golden carriage flying overhead, being pulled by two pegasi in golden armour. Twilight was leaning over the side with an angry look on her face. Looking at the direction it had come from I could see Canterlot in the distance. This is so trippy... Like last time, I followed the carriage.

The carriage stuttered to a halt. The stallions pulling it whinnied and kicked in the air dramatically as their passengers exited the vehicle.

"Thank you sirs!" Exclaimed Twilight again. The stallions huffed in response, then took off and flew back in the direction they had come from.

"Maybe the ponies in Ponyville have interesting things to talk about." Said Spike again as I finally caught up to them. He motioned to me before continuing, "Come on, Twilight, just try!"

"Uh... Hello?" She asked.

"Huh... Huh... H-hey!" I asked, gasping for air. Why is that always so exhausting? The two looked at me with confused faces.

"Are you okay?"

"I don't know anymore!" Wait! If this is happening like last time then... "Hey, is it the Summer Sun Celebration tomorrow?"

"Uh, yes... Yes it is. Why, is there a problem?"

"Well if you count a sexy looking, nightmare-fueled, sociopathic, evil goddess Tartarus-bent on eternal darkness then yeah, there is a small problem." Twilight looked shocked.

"You know about Nightmare Moon?! You need to tell me everything you know right now!"

"No." I'll screw up the timeline if I talk too much. I've got my own plan anyway...

"What?! Why not?!" Wait, I didn't think about how to stop part!

"Because, uh... PINKIE PIE, DISTRACT HER!" Suddenly Pinkie appeared, assaulting Twilight with words and hugs. I used the distraction to teleport to the Town Hall. Rarity was hanging up decorations with her magic. My arrival startled her.

"Oh!" She exclaimed, dropping the ribbon she was carrying with her magic, "you startled me!" That was weird, she said startled shortly after I thought it.

"Well, sorry. Gotta go!" I levitated myself up into the rafters. Okay, my plan is simple- Why am I explaining my plan to myself?! Because I have six hours of sitting here preparing myself to re-fight Nightmare, and I probably wont have the Arcane Circles on my side this time! I need to be sure of my plan! Fine! But hurry up! The less time I meditate, the weaker I'll be in the Nightmare fight! Okay, my plan is simple:

Step one: Meditate to greatly increase power.

Step two: Beat up Nightmare.

Step three: ???

Step four: Profit.

That... Was retarded. Even for me. Shut up and meditate, me!

Six hours later, it was time. Birds started chirping out a song, orchestrated by Fluttershy. A grey maned mare walked into the light of a spotlight.

"Fillies and gentlecolts," she announced, "as mayor of Ponyville, it is my great pleasure to announce the beginning of the Summer Sun Celebration!" The audience cheered. "In just a few moments, our town will witness the magic of the sunrise, and celebrate this, the longest day of the year! And now, it is my great honor to introduce to you the ruler of our land, the very pony who gives us the sun and the moon each and every day, the good, the wise, the bringer of harmony to all of Equestria..." She paused dramatically, "...Princess Celestia!"

The birds chirped along to fanfare as Rarity pulled on a rope. Curtains pulled back to reveal... an empty stage. Ponies below me started whispering about their worries. Nightmare walked onstage in all her sexy glory. Buck it, I'm not even stopping me anymore.

"Oh, my beloved subjects." She said with a silky voice, "It's been so long since I've seen your precious, little sun-loving faces."

"What did you do with our Princess?!" Yelled Rainbitch. Nightmare chuckled.

"Why, am I not royal enough for you? Don't you know who I am?" There was a murmur from the crowd. "Does my crown no longer count now that I have been imprisoned for a thousand years? Did you not recall the legend? Did you not see the signs?"

"I did!" Shouted Twilight, "And I know who you are. You're the Mare in the Moon – Nightmare Moon!"

"Well well well, somepony who remembers me. Then you also know why I'm here."

"You're here to... to..." Twilight went quiet and Nightmare laughed.

"Remember this day, little ponies, for it was your last. From this moment forth, the night will last forever!" She laughed as she cast dramatic lightning spells.

"Not in my Equestria!" I yelled. I teleported to just above Nightmare and charged up my forelegs, releasing a Magistamp onto her head. Nightmare screamed as her head smashed into the platform, cracking the bricks it was made from. She flipped over onto her back, kicking off of her. I cast a Force Barrier to stop me from crashing into the wall I was speeding towards. I landed on my hooves just as Nightmare righted herself.

"You dare attack me-?" She was cut off by a mouthful magic bolts. As she tried to recover, I fired an electrical beam at her chest. It hit her directly. Her armour shattered and she was sent flying back into a wall. I teleported outside to see where she had landed but was struck by dozens of lightning bolts from her in vapour form. The force of them all took me off my feet and I would have been sent sprawling, but Nightmare wrapped her dark tendrils around my neck and pulled me to her until we were face to face. The dark tendrils began to choke me, distracting me too much to cast any magic.

"It is cute how pathetic beings such as you try to stop me. Now your life shall end." The tendrils tightened their grip around my throat. I struggled as hard as I could, but it was no use. I couldn't escape. This was the end.

No. Buck that. I felt an incredible power surge through me, a power that I now knew. The power of the Arcane Circles. It wasn't linked to adrenalin or being a psycho. It was willpower. I got it in the Nightmare fight for a reason; I had the will to live- No, the will to win. I summoned a Kinetic Circle around my hoof.

"EAT A DICK!" I screamed as my KC punch met her face. Nightmare was fired down the street. I summoned a Support Circle and flew after her. She had collided with Sugarcube Corner and reduced it to rubble. I dropped myself a few paces from her. "What's the matter? The great and powerful Nightmare can't take a 'pathetic being such as myself'?" Nightmare climbed to her feet and started to chuckle.

"You think a little Arcane magic can defeat me?" It did last time, so... "NOPONY CAN STOP A NIGHTMARE!" The rays of the moon were absorbed into her. Nightmare grew. And grew. And grew. Soon, she was the size of the castle in the Everfree.

"Wat."

"EQUESTRIA! IS! MINE!" What the buck?! Why isn't this the same as last time?! I summoned a SC and flew up to eye level.

"You have one chance to stop, Nightmare!"

"OH DO I? AND WHAT IF I REFUSE?"

"Then I'll kick your ass!"

"HAH! A PUNY THING LIKE YOU, KICKING MY FLANK? I HIGHLY DOUBT IT!"

"Actually, no. I wont kick your ass. I'LL KICK YOUR FACE!" I spun around, charged up my hind legs with the Support Circle, summoned Kinetic Circles on my hind hooves and released the SCKC Mega Buck! The intense power in the kick was incredible, I could feel static in the air from all of the energy radiating off of the connection between my hooves and Nightmare's face! I could feel her skull shattering into millions of pieces in almost slow-motion. Nightmare flew backwards into a distant mountain which exploded, sending hundreds of flaming, cataclysmic unstoppable behemoths of stone and earth crashing down towards Equestria. The ground beneath me split open into flaming fissures swallowing Ponyville and the Everfree Forest-

"Okay, this is getting out of hoof," Said a strange voice from everywhere at once. Suddenly everything vanished, and I was floating in nothingness.

"What the buck is going on?" I asked the void around me. Surprisingly, it responded.

"We were seeing what would happen if you had unlimited power and fought us again." Princess Luna walked out of the void.

"Where am I?"

"You are currently lying in a bed in the royal hospital in a coma. We came to see if we could entertain ourselves while at the same time experiment."

"Oh for Realta's sake... I'm in another coma? Damn it! How long have I been out so far?" Luna thought to herself for a second.

"About six weeks. Give or take a day or two." I groaned.

"How did Twilight take me becoming a psychopath and torturing her?"

"Twilight Sparkle has had the situation explained to her. She fully understands what happened."

"What about Storm Cloud?"

"Your other self? He has been eradicated."

"Good." There was an awkward silence. "So... We're in my mind right now?"

"Yes."

"So was the thing about the Arcane Circles being linked to willpower true or what?"

"We have no idea. You should probably test it when you wake up." There was another awkward silence. Lewd thoughts crept into my mind. No! Resist! Must not ask if she wants to bang... Must not ask if she wants to bang... Must not ask if she wants to bang... "You realize we're in your mind? We can hear your thoughts here." SHIT!

"U-Um! Uh!" Focus! You can save this! "Wanna bang?" NO! YOU FAILED! Luna shot me a death glare.

"No. We do not wish to 'bang'."

"I, uh... I'm gonna leave now..."

I was awake. The hospital bed was very comfy. I like bread. There was an IV bag. It probably had drugs. I was probably high. Bread is tasty. I noticed Luna was sitting in the room with me. It probably made entering my mind easier. Raisins are tasty this time of year. She was glaring at me.

"Hey..." I slurred groggily, "sorry 'bout asking you that... It's totally the drugs making me think weirdly..."

"You left me after asking for sexual favours."

"Yeah... But drugs..."

"Your bedsheets disagree." I looked down the bed. There was an obvious lump in the bedsheets. Oops. "We will inform our sister of your awakening." She stood up out of the chair she was sitting in and walked out of the room.

"Sorry!" I called out to her. I don't know how long I lay there before Celestia arrived. It could have been eons, time drifting past while the world shape and melded around me. My hair grew longer and longer, overflowing from the bed. Or it didn't. I was high after all. The point is, Celestia arrived.

"Hello, Cloud," She greeted, "I hear you're asking my sister for sex?"

"What took you so long to get here...?" I slurred.

"It's been three minutes."

"Oh... Well I didn't ask for sex n' stuff..."

"Your boner disagrees."

"Oh... I'm very high..."

"It's not that long."

"Ah, shadahp... You know I meant drugs... Have you ever eaten bread? It's good... I think it's made of poop or something..."

"I'm just gonna get your doctor to lower your dosage..."

"'Kay then..."

"You just, uh, wait here..."

"Bye bye..." I drifted back into sleep.

Author's Notes:

Not in my Equestria inspired by:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TI5SAZhxCZ8

Sonic Rainboom

The Arcane Circles were under my control. It hadn't taken too long to test the 'connected to willpower' theory and after some practice, I could get a Support Circle in only a few seconds. Kinetic Circles did more damage the longer I held them before releasing, but holding them was exhausting. Unfortunately, the Support Circle and the Kinetic Circle were the only Circles that I knew and I had no idea how to learn more.

After my medication had worn off, Celestia had explained a few things that had happened while I had been unconscious. There wasn't anything particularly interesting. Luckily for me I had missed out of 'Winter Wrap Up', another three word event that I hadn't heard of about cleaning up the one week winter without use of unicorn magic. There were many things I found stupid about this:

-First of all; why only ban unicorn magic? Pegasi could use their flight magic and earth ponies could use their herbalism and boosted strength magics, why aren't unicorns allowed their magic?

-Secondly; why have winter for only a week? It seemed pretty stupid to have it for such a short time.

-Finally; why force citizens to endure cold without purpose, then make them clean it up themselves? Well, the last one's probably just for kicks. Celestia seems pretty bored.

Tomorrow, there was the Best Young Fliers competition in Cloudsdale. Yet another three word thing! Celestia had offered me a place in the top box (the reason there was an extra seat in the first place was because Luna decided she didn't want to go), which I had accepted. She even taught me a spell to walk on clouds.

I had been staying in The Canterlot Castle for a few days, reading some books by Starswirl The Bearded. His stuff was pretty awesome but also incredibly dangerous, like the original Facial Hair spell that if not done to perfection made hair sprout from your butt. I was looking for information on a certain kind of magic that Celestia told me was in one of Starswirl's books. It was a kind of magic that wasn't commonly used nowadays, but for me it would be incredibly useful. I had learned to read and monologue at the same time, which was pretty good. The main trick to it is- Here it is! I found what I was looking for!

Transmutation Beta
Written By Former Arch-Mage, Starswirl The Bearded.

I should stop monologuing for now and read in more detail. Why do I need to explain this to myself? Why do I keep asking me that?!

I had finished reading the book and I was about to test the transmutation spell. I had a bagel on a table in front of me. I got into a casting stance and began the spell. The bagel glowed and floated into the air. It span around, faster and faster until I couldn't see it in its blur. I reached the climax of the spell (hee-hee!), causing colour to explode from the bagel. It slowed down and stopped glowing, lowering itself back onto the table in front of me. It had become a donut. The spell was a success.

There wasn't much else to do so I ate my donut and walked towards the carriage take-off-point-thingy. I really have no idea what that's called...

By Realta, this is boring! We were at the Best Young Fliers competition and everything shown so far was shit. The announcer was announcing stuff.

"...And now, for our final competitor of the day, contestant number fifteen!" Rainbitch slowly came out from behind cloud curtains. Oh great, I have to see that whorse perform. "Uh... And apparently contestant number four... " Rarity flew out from behind the curtains using insectoid wings (What the buck?), wearing a weird dress thing and more face-chemicals than usual. Classical music started playing as the two got to their performances.

Rarity started doing weird and awkward movements in the air while Rainbitch slalomed between cloud pillars. She crashed into one of them and ricocheted into the stadium/colosseum-thing's wall. Rarity continued her awkward, jerky movements.

Rainbitch made some clouds spin but lost control and sent one flying towards me and Celestia. I caught it with my magic and condensed it. Rarity hovered in placed and talked to herself before flying upward. Rainbitch also flew upward, but went much further before stopping.

Rarity yelled something incoherent and let sunlight shine through her bug wings. They caught alight and detonated into water. Shouldn't that be evaporated? I'm bored as buck and detonate makes it more entertaining. Fair enough.

Rarity started to fall but I caught her with magic, teleported her next to me and put her onto a Support Circle. She started talking and stuff but I was so bored that I just ignored her and went back to watching Rainbitch. From what I could see, she was trying to break the sound barrier. She failed and got flung back into the stadium, probably breaking some bones.

"How do you put up with this horse shit?" I asked Celestia.

"Well it's either this, paperwork, let the snobby plot-holes get snobby over being in my presence or sleep. Why? Do you have a better idea?"

"You could build a battle colosseum. Watch your subjects beat the crap out of each other." Celestia thought to herself for a bit.

"That's a pretty good idea actually. Although conspiracy morons will probably say that I'm copying the Bullgium colosseum..."

"Damn, that's a good point. Oh well. I'm gonna go take a dump. It'll be more entertaining than this at least." I cast the 'walking on cloud' spell on Rarity then left the top box to excrete some poop.

Author's Notes:

Writers block and problems in real life, yay!
Sorry for the shortness, wasn't really much to do for this chapter.

A Dog And Pony Show

"...You're easily stronger than almost all of them combined anyway, you would be perfect."

"No. Kicking plot and getting paid would be great and all, but I'd have to be ethical and follow the protocol and all that crap. I'd never get around to studying, so I would end up getting weaker."

"You'd definitely be better than the pony doing it now. He's pretty annoying."

"Celestia, I don't want to be the Captain." I'd been at the castle for about a month now, mostly studying. Celestia had come to me asking if I wanted to be the new Captain of The Royal guard, a position I really didn't want. "The pony doing it now is probably doing a fine job."

"First of all; call me 'Princess', my sister's pretty edgy about that and she'll probably try to get you killed for not doing it. Secondly; Shining Armour's a terrible Captain. I get put to sleep by my sister as she tries to cause eternal darkness and what does Shining Asshat do? He sits around and does nothing while you single-hoofedly kick her into submission."

"I only kicked her once! And we're not even near Luna, I'm not calling you 'Princess'! It's a waste of valuable time." Celestia sighed and waited a few moments before speaking.

"So when are you going back to Ponyville? You've got to be missing your friends by now, right?" I snorted.

"Seriously? I mean sure, Spike and Pinkie I miss a little but the rest of my 'friends' are huge dicks. You have Twilight, who must always be right! Applejack, who is so obsessed with sustaining her pride that it makes me wanna puke. Rarity, who's so obsessed with her dream of being a rich noble that she puts on a shitty accent all the time, and finally Fluttershy who I know basically nothing about because she never talks. Add a bucket of racism and you have the ponies that keep extending my hospital bill."

"You forgot Rainbow Dash."

"That bitch can go buck herself."

"Okay, so they're a bit racist-"

"Don't try to sugar-coat it."

"Okay, a lot racist, but why don't you do something about that?"

"I tried that. I awoke a second personality, tried to go on a murder spree and ended up in a six week coma."

"Cloud, give them another chance. They're young and stupid so- Oh buck, I just realized something. Do you even know your age?" I thought to myself for a minute. That's a good question... I sighed.

"I have no idea."

"Well, your frie-"

"Not my friends."

"The girls are around nineteen, so you might be around their age. Oh! I think Dr Remover was doing a cell test to try and see how old you were while you were unconscious! I'll check to see if he got the results." She teleported away in a burst of golden light. After about ten seconds she returned floating some paper. "Okay then... Uh... Subjects tests results... Blah blah blah... Ah! Here it is!" She started reading the paper more intensely for a few seconds. "It says here you're about twenty-five."

"Huh. Well, the more you know. I expected about twenty-seven."

"I thought about twenty-two. Anyway, as I was saying; you should give the girls another chance. Everypony makes mistakes, what you learn from them is the important thing."

"Which comic did you steal that from?"

"Batmare, but the point still stands." She had a point. Besides, Canterlot was so much more boring than Ponyville. How would I even break the news that I was back? Would it just be; 'Oh hey guys, I'm back from my stay in Canterlot. Don't worry, I'm not a psycho anymore!' It doesn't matter. As long as I don't do the thing I'm starting to think about- Too late! I'm doing that idea now! Oh, Realta, why must I be forsaken so? Come on, I know I wanna do this! *Sigh* Fine. D-Did I just mental sigh?! How?! Just shut up and get this over with.

"Fine, I'll go back to Ponyville."

Everypony except Rarity was running towards a lot of holes in the ground. Spike was on Twilight's back holding a paper bag. I was above them on a Support Circle preparing for my big entrance. Twilight walked up to one of the holes and stared down it as Spike climbed off of her. I dropped the Circle and smashed down behind all of them, making them jump. Wait, what was the next part of the plan again? I seriously didn't plan this far ahead? For bucks sake... Think of something, quick! I'm just standing here staring off into space after dropping out of the sky! I don't know, I'm you!

"Uh, Cloud?" Asked Twilight. "What are you doing here? Did you just drop from the sky? Where did you come from?" Quick, say something!

"Potato sauce!" I yelled triumphantly, getting confused looks from the others. Really? That's the best I have? Spike stepped forward, acting panicky.

"Cloud!" He exclaimed quickly, "You've gotta help! These things called 'diamond dogs' fillynapped Rarity!" Suddenly, the holes filled up with mud.

"Quick!" Shouted Twilight, "We've gotta get down one before they're all filled up!" I watched as all of them except Spike try and fail to get down one of them before they were all filled up.

"Heavens to Betsy," Said Applejack. "Now Ah'm used to pickin' myself up and dustin' myself off, but Rarity won't even touch mud."

"Oh, Rarity..."

"We gotta save her!"

"No shit," I added. "So are we gonna go save her are we just gonna stand here longer?"

"We've gotta dig!"

"What? That's just stupid!" They ignored me and started to dig. What I assumed were diamond dogs popped out of the holes and started tripping them up, grabbing them and a bunch of other stuff as well. Great description, me. I grabbed all three of the dogs with telekinesis and electrocuted them into unconsciousness. I threw their limp bodies aside and completely cleared out one of the holes by grabbing the dirt and throwing it aside. "Are you all done with the stupid plans now? Good. Let's go." I jumped down the hole.

I slid down the dirt walls until I landed in a dark cavern. I cast an illumination spell and lit the place up. Aren't I supposed to describe more stuff when monologuing? There was dirt and rocks. There, happy? The others followed me down.

"All these tunnels..." Examined Twilight, "how are we ever gonna find Rarity?"

"That's the easy part. I'll just cast a heat tracking spell and see where there's a lot of heat all at one place." I cast a heat tracking spell to see where there was a lot of heat all at one place. I quickly found a place with moving heat signatures and headed towards where they were. Magic ex machina.

"Oh please, diamond dogs," Begged Rarity. "Please let me go."

"No!" Shouted the small one.

"You're our precious little pony!" Exclaimed the big one.

"Forever!" Cackled the middle one.

"Hello, diamond dogs!" I called to them cheerily from behind. I'd gotten ahead of the others. "I'm here for your 'precious little pony'. Give her back now and never take anypony again."

"You will all be our slaves!" Yelled the big one.

"Interesting proposition. Here's my counter offer." I sent a magic bolt flying towards a boulder, reducing it to rubble. "Release her or that will be you in five seconds."

"You don't have the spine to-!" Started the middle one.

"Five."

"Don't interrupt m-!"

"Four."

"You cannot scare us-!"

"Three."

"You wouldn't-!"

"Two."

"Shut up!"

"One."

"You ponies are all about friendship! You would never attack another creature!" I grinned.

"Zero. Rarity, please close your eyes and cover your ears."

We were walking back up the tunnel to meet with the others so I could teleport us all back up. It only took a few minutes for them to catch up.

"Rarity!" Exclaimed Twilight, "Cloud! You're both okay! Wait... What's that stuff you're covered in? Is... Is that... Blood?"

"Don't worry, we're fine," I explained, "we should get back to the surface now anyway. That was a lot messier than I thought it'd be."

"W-What?" I teleported all of us back to the surface.

"Well, I need to go and shower. See you later. Hey Spike, want a lift back to the library?"

"Sure," He replied. I teleported us back to the library. "Twilight'll probably want to send a letter to Princess Celestia about this. So what were you doing during the two months you were gone?"

"Hang on, I need to take a shower first. Blood is easier to clean off if it's still wet." Spike gave me a weirded out look as I flew to the shower with a Support Circle.

Author's Notes:

Imagine what the friendship report would be if Twilight used Cloud's solution.

"Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned that when a diamond dog explodes, it makes a mess.

Your faithful psychopath,
Twilight Sparkle."

Over A Barrel

We were on a train heading to a desert town called 'Appleloosa' to deliver a tree to Applejack's cousin. We had been on the train all day. This wouldn't have been too bad (I had books to read), but then Pinkie got bored and ate the cleaning products. Long story short, it was a stressful journey. Now Rarity, Spike and I were trying to sleep but the others weren't making it easy.

"Ugh..." groaned Spike, "do you guys mind? I was up early fire-roasting those snacks you're all eating, and I'm pooped!"

"Speaking of," bitched Rainbitch, "some of these popcorn kernels didn't get popped."

"Okay, fine." He let out a blast of fire that incinerated her popcorn.

"Nice shot," I said tiredly.

"Thanks, Cloud. Goodnight."

"Night."

"Maybe it's time we all got a little shut-eye," Said Twilight. "We've got a big day ahead of us tomorrow." The others complained as Twilight put out the lamp.

"Psst! Pinkie Pie," bitched Rainbitch, "you asle-?" I cast a muting spell on her before she could finish.

"No," replied Pinkie, "are you asle-" I muted Pinkie as well.

"What's goin-?" Twilight tried to ask before I muted her.

"Girls, what's-" Fluttershy was muted.

"Are you all gonna shut up now, or should I keep muting you?" I un-muted Twilight.

"We were just-"

"Oh, for Pete's sake!" Exclaimed Spike, grabbing his pillow and heading into the back compartment where the tree was.

"Well that was kind of hu-" Twilight was re-muted. I cast a sleep spell on myself.

I was woken by rumbling and crashing.

"For buck's sake, ponies, LET ME SLEEP!" I yelled.

"A buffalo stampede!" Exclaimed a voice I couldn't be bothered to recognise.

"I don't bucking care! Shut up and let me sleep!"

"I just love their accessories!"

"SHUT UP! I NEED TO SLEEP!"

"They're getting awfully close to the train..." There was a sudden bash against the train, throwing me out of bed. I looked out of a window, writhing with anger. The buffalo were attacking the train. After some acrobatics, one got up onto the roof. I summoned a Support Circle, opened the train door and flew out to stop the attack in my tired, crazy state. I went after the small one on the roof first, flying in front of her to get her attention.

"STOP NOW OR I WILL DESTROY YOU!" I yelled at her. She looked a bit surprised at my arrival but ignored my words and continued to run towards me. "I BUCKING WARNED YOU!" I waited for her to get close to me, then threw a punch towards her face. She leaped over me, avoiding my attack. I zoomed close behind her and tried to hit her in the back of her head but she avoided my attack again and bucked me in the face. "OH NOW IT'S BUCKING ON!" She jumped down into a gap and detached the last compartment. The buffalo that were charging turned around and started pushing it away from the rest of the train. "NOPE!" I lifted the entire thing with my magic and re-attached it to the train.

The buffalo on top of the train looked pissed. She charged at me, swinging a punch. I ducked under it and countered with an uppercut. While she was stunned, I grabbed her with telekinesis and threw her into an oncoming sign next to the train track. She didn't get up. I flew up a little to get a good view of the buffalo that were ramming the train. They were now focusing on only the last compartment, and they were doing some serious damage.

"I BUCKING WARNED YOU!" I yelled crazily as I fired magic bolts into the crowd, each one taking out a buffalo in a single hit. Soon, none remained. I flew back into the train and went back to sleep.

I'd woken up a few minutes before we arrived in Appleloosa. After the train pulled into the station we were greeted by Applejack's annoying cousin Braeburn. He had a hat and a jacket-y thing. He started to show the others around, not noticing me sneaking away to the bar. I'd only gotten down one bottle of cider before Twilight came storming into the bar looking for me.

"Cloud!" She shouted at me as she marched over to me, "what are you doing here?! Braeburn wanted to talk to you!" I took a swig of cider.

"Braeburn was rambling annoyingly," I replied, "so now I'm getting drunk."

"It's the middle of the day!"

"Exactly. I wont be woken up by a hangover."

"But- Urgh!" She facehoofed, "Braeburn needs to talk to you about the buffalo; they've been harassing the Appleloosans and trying to get rid of the town entirely!"

"So...? Does he want me to kill all them or what?"

"K-Kill them?!"

"Yeah, kill them. I'm not good with diplomacy and the easiest way to deal will a problem is to explode it with magic. I gave the ones this morning a chance anyway, they continued to attack us so I defended. With deadly magical attacks."

"Violence is never the answer! We've got to find a diplomatic solution!"

"Would you stop shouting already? You're getting weird looks." She looked around to see if I was right. I was.

"Cloud," she said in a forced calm tone.

"Yes?" I replied.

"Fix this without using violence."

"Why do I have to do it?! I didn't even wanna come here-"

"Because you killing their attack force has made the situation worse!"

"I didn't kill all of them! Probably..."

"Cloud! You're only making the situation worse by not acting!"

"Fine! I'll fix the problem!" I flung some money onto the counter to pay for my drinks and headed towards the exit.

"And don't use violence!"

"Alright! Jeez! I'll only be violent if I really have to be!" I summoned a Support Circle and flew off to find the tribe of buffalo.

It took about thirty minutes to find their camp. There wasn't much to it, just a bunch of tents around a firepit. Or campfire. I couldn't really tell, but it was a fire thing. Anyway, I flew to the camp and asked for an audience with their leader. They tied me up and threw me into a cage. I didn't bother stopping them, I could break out at any time I wanted and tying me up made them feel more empowered. The more they felt that they were in control, the easier it would be to trick or reason with them. After about an hour of waiting their chief came to question me. They most likely left me to try and intimidate me. It makes them seem more incompetent than intimidating. The chief will most likely put on a 'tough guy' act. He'll want me to feel weaker than him so I'll say what he wants to hear. Don't you normally criticize me for explaining my plans to myself?

"I am Chief Thunderhooves!" Bellowed the chief, trying to look intimidating.

"Hello," I replied.

"We are a great tribe of buffalo, greater than any of you weak ponies. Even so, you attack us, build over our sacred grounds and invade our camp!"

"When did we attack you?"

"We were attacked when we tried to kill the metal demon carrying the cursed apple tree. My warriors say that you were the pony that attacked us, is this true?"

"You attacked us first, you piece of shit! I gave you all a chance to stop attacking and you spat in my face! I was defending me and my friends while your warriors tried to kill us all by derailing the train!"

"You dare speak to me that way, you puny, stick-headed fool?! My warriors did not strike first, nor did they receive what you call 'a chance to stop'!"

"Why don't you take that dick out of your ass and see that your men are lying? For buck's sake, that's not even what I'm here for; you've been terrorizing Appleloosa and I've been sent to stop you. So are we going to negotiate or do you want your brain melted?"

"Brain melting?! You could do no such thing!"

"Bucking negotiate already!"

"I shall not negotiate with a creature as pathetic as you, you shall be killed for your words against me!" He turned and started to leave.

"Wait! I challenge your greatest warrior to a fight to the death!" That stopped him in his tracks. There was a moment of silence before he turned to face me again.

"You think you could stand a chance against my greatest warrior?"

"If I win, you stop obsessing over Appleloosa and find somewhere else. If they win, Appleloosa gets destroyed and you have your sacred grounds back and the pony that dishonored you will be dead."

"If I accept, how do I know you will uphold your end of the deal?"

"Ponies are obsessed with friendship and trust. If there's one thing I am, it's trustworthy." And lying apparently. This guy's easy. He thought for a few seconds before deciding on his answer.

"Fine. We will meet on the southern outskirts of Appleloosa at noon tomorrow."

"Deal."

"You did what?!" Screamed Twilight. I was at the inn in Appleloosa and I had just explained to Twilight what had happened. She wasn't taking the news too well. "I told you to solve this without violence!"

"This way I only have to kill one, so it's better than normal," I reasoned.

"Better than normal?! When have you ever killed something as a solution before?!"

"Remember the Diamond Dogs a couple of weeks ago? Where did you think all that blood came from?" Twilight's face went to an interesting shade of green.

"Y-You actually killed them..."

"The Dogs were slavers. They broke families, ruined lives and probably raped as well. They were planning to take over Ponyville, I would have dealt with them anyway in the long run. I was doing the world a favour."

"You're a monster..."

"...Who has saved everypony in Ponyville a few times over. Actually, Nightmare wanted eternal darkness everywhere, so the world as well."

"I think I'm going to be sick..." I sighed.

"Look, I'm sorry, okay? If I hadn't done what I did, innocent Ponies would have died and the rest would be scarred for the rest of their lives." Which probably wouldn't be that long in the hooves of slavers... Twilight was quiet. "So what sort of weapons will the buffalo be packing?" It doesn't really matter, I can just crush whatever it is with my magic. Twilight was quiet for a few more moments before replying to my question.

"Most likely spears of some kind," she explained with a shaky voice, "they could attach them to themselves in a way so that when they charge, you'll get stabbed by them. You should also look out for their horns. I'm not sure what armour they will have, if any."

"Okay, so their charge is the main concern... Thanks, Twilight. I'm gonna get some rest." I headed to my room to sleep. She's so damn pissed at me, why can't she see that the Dogs were destroying innocent lives? The fight should be incredibly easy. Then I can go back to Ponyville and out of this damn desert.

Noon had arrived. I was waiting on the outskirts of the town as arranged, wearing a stetson Braeburn had given to me as a good luck charm. My friends along with Rainbitch and the townsfolk were standing a few meters behind me, here to watch the fight. This fight should be over before it even begins. Their main way of attacking is using their momentum, so levitating them would be the best way to immobilize them for my attacks. Well, that's if a single magic bolt isn't enough. I know this fight's gonna be easy, so why do a have a bad feeling about it?

The buffalo soon arrived. There were about ten of them in a shape surrounding something I couldn't see, with Thunderhooves in the lead.

"It is time for our champion to defeat you, stick-headed pony," said Thunderhooves. I cracked my neck.

"Time to get you to leave Appleloosa alone," I replied. "Once and for all."

"You cannot defeat our champion. Surrender now and I will allow you to live."

"I think you'll find you're wrong."

"You think your pathetic magic tricks can stop our champion? You are foolish."

"Ditto, mate. My magic's an unstoppable frenzy of death." Thunderhooves grunted.

"We'll see, Stick-Head." He walked back, motioning to the other buffalo to move behind whatever they were surrounding. As they moved back they revealed what they had been hiding; a large buffalo covered in golden armour. He had two large gold-tipped spears attached to the front of him as Twilight had predicted. He thinks some glorified armour is gonna help him?

"Well then, Mr buffalo?" Asked Braeburn, "are y'all ready for th' fight to start?"

"Yes," Thunderhooves pointed to Braeburn, "are you also?" A nod from Braeburn made Thunderhooves shout what he said next. "Let the fight begin!"

The champion charged towards me as I fired a big magic bolt directly towards him. It hit him- Wait, w-what?! The bolt was absorbed by the armour and the champion didn't even flinch. I quickly summoned a Support Circle and flew upwards to avoid his charge.

"Cloud!" Twilight shouted to me as the champion turned and looked up at me, "gold absorbs magic! Your normal attacks wont do anything to him!" WHAT?! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO ATTACK HIM?! The champion took the distraction of Twilight telling me this to throw his spears at me. The first I dodged entirely, but the second stabbed me in the left foreleg, snapping the bone. I screamed in pain as I felt my magic sapping away. My Support Circle shattered beneath me and I fell to the ground, taking even more damage. I tore the spear from me as fast as I could and used the little magic I had to repair the broken bone.

I looked up to see the champion charging at me again. What the buck do I do?! Move to the side at the last second! He wont be able to turn quickly! At the last possible second, I rolled to the side. The champion ran straight past me before coming to a stop. I felt my magic returning. I wrapped magical bonds around my bloody leg to act as makeshift bandages and stood back up. The champion gave me the ultimate death stare and charged once again.

I tried casting a Force Barrier underneath him to flip him over but the gold absorbed everything, having no effect. I teleported behind him as he got close and tried some lightning. Still no effect. I haven't done anything to him! This time the champion didn't charge. He sprinted over to his fallen spears and went to grab them. I tried to throw them far away from him with telekinesis, but the gold absorbed everything once again. He grabbed his spears and reattached them, making his charge even more deadly than before. I teleported behind him again but this time he was ready for me, bucking me in the face. I went sprawling, sending my blood flying all over the ground.

My vision was blurred. I could hardly think straight. W-What am I supposed to do? None of my magic can get through that gold... I've got to think about this more logically. I need to get something through the armour, but nothing non-magic I can do would even dent it. Buck me, I know what I've got to do. I stood up and faced the champion. He stared deep into my eyes. If my idea failed, his next charge attack would kill me. I only had one shot at this. The champion charged towards me.

I waited until the champion started to get close to me then threw my hat towards his hooves. I focused as hard as I could and transmutated it into a hoofful of marbles. The champion slipped and went flying, landing on his side. I teleported next to him, tore his helmet off, stabbed him in the forehead with my horn and sent the biggest lightning bolt I'd ever created straight into his brain. For a second or two that seemed like eternity he screamed and writhed, trying to escape me. Then he stopped moving. Everypony was silent.

I had won.

Author's Notes:

I skipped 'Green Isn't Your Colour' because there wasn't anything interesting I could do with it.

A Bird In The Hoof

Twilight was more than a little upset at how vicious I was when I finished off the buffalo champion. Long story short, I wasn't staying at the library anymore. I'd taken my small sack of bits and my stetson (which was no longer marbles) and tried to find somewhere else to stay. My 'friends' all had excuses as to why I couldn't stay with them, the only hotel Ponyville had was way too expensive and there were no good caves anywhere nearby, so I was now homeless.

Spike sent a letter to Celestia for me explaining that I needed to stay in the castle again. Her reply was to wait for about a week until she came to Ponyville for an upcoming 'big brunch' thing. I'd transmutated a pile of rocks into a tent and had been sleeping there until Celestia arrived. Until then, I had tried to fix things with my 'friends'.

Twilight wouldn't even stay in the same room as me, Fluttershy would whimper and back off, Applejack shot me dirty looks when she thought I wasn't looking and ignored me when she thought I was, Rarity pretended she was always too busy and Pinkie would lose her enthusiasm and disappear. Spike was now my only friend, but I rarely got to see him because Twilight worked him like a slave. I'd tried to talk to her about at least giving Spike some help with the bullshit she put him through but had no luck.

My newest study focus was shapeshifting; it was like transmutation but with physical appearance. If I changed to something completely equal to me (for instance; me but with a different colour scheme) it wouldn't cost any magic other than the initial spell. However, if I became something bigger than myself (like a dragon) I would need a constant supply of magic to sustain the form and if I was something smaller than myself (like a colt version of myself) I would have a lot of excess magic.

I had made a fail-safe spell for turning back to default me. The spell only affected my appearance so if I turned into a pegasus I couldn't fly (with wings at least) and if I turned into a dragon I wouldn't have its strength or dietary requirements. I still needed more practice, but it was pretty awesome so far!

I'd visited Zecora to see how she was doing, and it turned that out me becoming a psychopath scared everypony into not being racist to her. Apparently 'the stranger from the field' beating the shit out of 'Celestia's prime student' for being racist was a bit of a shock. Zecora had made me a potion of Magic Restoration as thanks and said that whenever I needed potions, she would make me them for free. I'd already used the potion she gave me after I tried turning into a dragon.

I need something to fight enemies that have golden armour. My magic is entirely useless against against them and I couldn't just charge myself up with a Support Circle or fight with Kinetic Circles, all the magic would drain away as soon as my attacks hit. Maybe I could learn to make golems of some kind and get them to remove armour. Wouldn't they crumple away to nothing as soon as they touch the armour? Oh yeah... *Sigh* This problem is going to be challenging to solve. Seriously how do you mental sigh?!

I was sitting in my tent when I saw a carriage carrying Celestia going for a landing in the distance. I packed up my tent, put on my stetson, grabbed my bit-bag and headed to Sugarcube Corner. I didn't have any saddle-bags so I transmutated a tree branch into rope and tied my tent to my back. Transmutation is so useful!

As I arrived at Sugarcube Corner I noticed that there was only one royal guard at the door instead of the usual two.

"Hey, Sight Watcher," I greeted the gray coated, blue maned pegasus as I walked towards him. Watcher looked up and smiled when he saw me.

"Hey, Cloud," he replied. He looked at my tent and a confused expression plastered his face. "Why is there a tent tied to your back?"

"Twilight's a bitch and I didn't have any saddle-bags. I'm now the homeless savior of the world!"

"What? Sparks kicked you out? Why?"

"Has Celestia told you about the Appleloosa incident yet?"

"No, what happened in Appleloosa?"

"I'll tell you on the way back to Canterlot. Isn't there usually a second guard with Celestia?"

"Well... Remember The Sandwich Terrorist?"

"Yeah?"

"It turns out that it wasn't Princess Luna after all."

"What do you-?" The realization hit me. "No! Bog Clogger was The Sandwich Terrorist?!"

"Yeah. He's been sentenced with a week in the cuddle dungeon..."

"That doesn't sound so bad."

"...With Princess Luna as the warden." I winced.

"That's gonna sting..."

"It truly will. Anyway, Princess Celestia's waiting for you inside."

"Okay. See you later, Watcher."

"See you."

As I walked in I noticed Celestia sitting at a long table with cakes, apples and some other foods. My ex-friends were sitting at the table as well, acting weird to try and please Celestia. Her pet phoenix Philomena sat in a cage behind her, seemingly asleep. She looked pretty ill. I walked over to the table and tried to fit in with what the others were doing. I bowed down to Celestia as low as I could, sticking my butt high into the air.

"Oh, your highness," I said in the most Rarity-like voice I could, "please allow me to join in with the plot-kissing!" The others (minus Fluttershy and Pinkie) glared at me. Celestia was trying to suppress her laughter. Suddenly I got a psychic message from her; I'm glad you're finally here, I've got a great idea for a prank! How good are you at shapeshifting? Not bad, why? Okay, go to town hall and wait for me there. Okay... "Well, I'm gonna go take a dump. Just thought everypony should know!" I walked to the bathroom and teleported to Town Hall when I was out of sight.

I didn't have to wait for long before Celestia arrived to tell me the plan.

"Sorry to keep you waiting," She apologized, "first I need to test your shapeshifting skills, how long can you hold a form?"

"I don't know," I replied. "I haven't tested it yet."

"Okay, we have a few hours before I have to go and find you dead so-"

"Wait, what?"

"Today, we are going to prank your ex-friends!"

A few hours later, my training was done. I could now change my physical form for a few hours and produce fake fire.

"Okay," Said Celestia, "do you know the plan well enough?"

"Yeah!" I exclaimed. This is gonna be so awesome in so many ways!

"Good. Prepare yourself, this may be uncomfortable." Celestia began her spell.

I exploded into existence. I was still in Town Hall. Celestia was gone. It was four hours earlier. I was now a time traveler. BUCK YEAH I'M A TIME TRAVELER! This was bucking awesome. Alright, time to start the ultimate prank! I took a few breaths to calm myself then hurried to the back room. Celestia was waiting there and looked up as she saw me arrive.

"Oh," She said, slightly surprised, "hello, Cloud. Why are you here? I'd have thought you would meet at Sugarcube Corner."

"Plan three is go!" I blurted excitedly. Celestia looked confused for a second before grinning.

"Are you ready with shapeshifting?"

"Yep!"

"Alright, I'll get the cage ready!" I readied my stance and summoned a Support Circle to charge myself up. I focused my magic with pinpoint precision and shapeshifted into an ill looking version of Celestia's phoenix, Philomena. Celestia clapped her hooves together excitedly. "Yes! Okay, 'Philomena', get into your cage!" I hopped over to the open cage Celestia presented in front of me and she closed the door. She picked up the cage and teleported us to Sugarcube Corner, placing me where I had seen Philomena earlier. Oh! That was me I saw!

Soon everypony else arrived. Rainbitch went outside to annoy Watcher, Spike helped bake cakes, Rarity was a pompous snob about her dress, Applejack was sitting at a table attempting to eat, Twilight panicked about random shit and Pinkie... Was Pinkie. I pretended to be asleep. After a few minutes, Fluttershy arrived and talked to Twilight for a while. Celestia entertained herself by tricking the Cakes into making asses of themselves and that's when past me came in. Past me looked around for a couple of seconds before walking up to the table Celestia was sitting at and bowed deeply, sticking his finely toned ass into the air.

"Oh, your highness," past me said in the most Rarity-like voice he could, "please allow me to join in with the plot-kissing!" The others (minus Fluttershy and Pinkie) glared at him. Celestia was trying to suppress her laughter. There was a moment of silence. "Well, I'm gonna go take a dump. Just thought everypony should know!" Past me walked to the bathroom.

"Well," Celestia said in Twilight's direction, "Cloud certainly knows how to make an entrance. Why is it you dislike him so, Twilight?" Twilight scrunched her face up.

"He's just a murderer..." she mumbled. Celestia rolled her eyes.

"Yes, a murderous savior of Equestria. And the world, thinking about it."

"But the diamond dogs and the buffalo weren't trying to do anything evil!"

"You mean the dogs that were fillynapping, slaving, rapists that threatened to pretty much destroy Ponyville?"

"Well... Okay the dogs needed some action, but the buffalo-!"

"Tried to destroy the train you were in which would have killed all of you."

"Yes, but then he-!"

"Convinced the chief of the buffalo to send one of his warriors to an honour-bound battle to the death so that he could let the rest of them go in peace."

"Yes- But- He- ARGH!" Twilight stormed off, annoyed that I was justified in my killing.

"Well, that's her dealt with. What about you, dear? Fluttershy, is it?" Fluttershy looked up from her tea, happy to get attention.

"Me?" Fluttershy asked. "Oh yes, your highness."

"I understand from The Purple Menace's letters that you enjoy tending to the needs of woodland creatures."

"Yes, I love to take care of animals."

"As do I. As Princess, I care deeply about all creatures, great and small." There's the signal, time to set the bait. I started coughing and hacking, sending feathers flying all over the place. "Nothing means more to me than the well-being of all my subjects!" I coughed and hacked even harder, jumping up onto a small platform in the cage. "Ah, Philomena, my pet. You're awake! Do say hello to our gracious hosts." I coughed almost hard enough to throw up.

"Oh... My..."

"She is quite a sight, isn't she?"

"I... I... I've never seen anything like it..." I coughed some more. Sight Watcher walked up to Celestia and muttered something in her ear.

"Really? Well, if I must... I'm sorry, everypony. I'm afraid I have to cut the party short. The mayor has requested an audience with me. Royal duty calls." I hid my laughter under coughing. "Thank you for a wonderful time. It's been a joy getting to know you all better." Didn't she only talk to Astral-Ass and Flutterbutt? Celestia sent me a psychic message as she marched off regally: That should be plenty of bait! Give 'em Tartarus while I prevent a paradox. Don't worry, I'll have Watcher pick up your stuff before we leave. Applejack looked relieved.

"Whew!" Applejack said to herself, "now I can eat something!" Mr Cake packed the food up before she could get to any of it. "Aw..." Pinkie squealed and cartwheeled out the door, kicking Cream Treat in the face. I'm surprisingly good at remembering random names. Rarity started yelling the crap she normally yelled about, making the perfect distraction for Fluttershy to bird-nap me. She picked the lock on the cage, grabbed me and leapt out of the window. She headed back to her cottage with me on her back.

"Oh, you poor little thing," Fluttershy said to me before placing me on her sofa. I let my head sway and fall. "How did you ever get in such bad condition? Don't you worry, Philomena. I'll nurse you back to health. As a favor to the princess, who's obviously just far too busy to care for you properly." I coughed. She looked worried and straitened my head. "I'm sure the princess will appreciate the help." I let my head fall again. "Oh my! We'd better get you to bed right away." She put me into a conveniently sized bed. "There."

Fluttershy stuck a thermometer in my mouth. I quickly cast a heat spell to make it look like I was way too hot. She gasped, pulling off my blanket and putting a water bottle of my head. I cast an anti-heat spell and started chattering my teeth. Or beak or whatever. She gasped again, getting rid of the water bottle and giving back the blanket. I cast another heat spell. No blanket, anti-heat. Blanket, heat spell. No blanket gain, anti-heat again. This time when she gave me the blanket I gave enough heat to burst the thermometer, sending broken glass and mercury everywhere.

"This is far worse than I thought. What you need is some medicine, stat!" I coughed in her face. After cleaning up the mess, Fluttershy gave me an abnormally large pill on a plate. I sniffed it and retched. What the buck is in this? "Doctor Fluttershy expected that." She covered the pill in birdseed. How stupid does she think her animals are? "Always works!" I quickly ate the birdseed, leaving the pill untouched. "Uh... Almost always..." I coughed in her face again.

For the next two-or-so hours a war was waged. A war involving soup, a humming bird, singing, projectile vomit, a steam bath, aromatherapy, water absorption, ointment, boils, a scalpel, surgical tape and feathers. It had been a long, long day.

"Oh, Philomena," Fluttershy said to me. "I thought it would be easy to nurse you back to health. I've tried everything I know, and look at you; you're worse than ever." Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Before Fluttershy could get to it, Astral-Asshat burst through the door.

"Hi, Fluttershy!" She said, surprisingly cheerily. "I just wanted to drop by and say thank you so very much for making such a good impression on the princess today-" She gasped when she saw me sitting on the table with feathers shittily stuck to my body with surgical tape. "What is Celestia's pet doing here?!"

"I couldn't leave the poor thing there." Fluttershy approached me. "She needed my help."

"Oh no! No-no-no-no-no-no-no! This is bad!" Twilight smacked herself in her eye.

"How could I just walk away and not do anything?"

"B-But she doesn't belong to you!" I really have to sit here and listen to this? I groaned and fell onto my back.

"I had to do something."

"Without telling anypony?! Without asking permission?!"

"But-" I coughed dryly.

"I know you had good intentions, but you have got to return Princess's pet!" I rolled off the table to try and stop the argument.

"But-" I breathed in very deeply and held it to try and end the conversation. It didn't work. Fluttershy sighed.

"You're right. Okay, let's go..." Twilight grabbed me and shoved me into a basket. They were a bit muffled, but I could still hear them.

"If we hurry, we can put her back before anypony even realizes she's missing." I heard the front door open and Twilight gasp dramatically.

"I was told I could find Twilight Sparkle here," stated what sounded like Watcher. "I regret to inform you, miss, but the royal pet has gone missing."

"Really? You don't say!" Time to get Watcher's attention. I coughed loudly. Somepony else (probably Twilight) started coughing to try and pretend it was just her. Soon, there was another pony coughing along with her (probably Fluttershy). "It's that dry night air?" Why is she questioning herself?

"But it's daytime," Fluttershy pointed out.

"Well, day air's even dryer! You'd better be on your way if you're going to find the Princess's missing pet, Mr Guard!" I can't let her get rid of him! "Philomena, was it? Thank you ever so much for keeping me in the loop-" I squawked loudly and coughed more. "T-That must just be some of the birds Fluttershy keeps around here-" Before she could finish I pushed at the side of the basket, causing it to fall off of whatever it was on top of before. I squawked and coughed even more.

"Ma'am, I'm going to need to see what's in the basket," explained Watcher in a slightly stern tone. I was suddenly teleported into a cupboard of some kind. Everything was quiet for a few seconds before Watcher spoke again. "Well then, good day, ladies." I heard the front door close. I was teleported back into the middle of the room.

"Oh, this is bad! This is really, really bad!" Twilight was prancing frantically around the room.

"The Princess wont be too hard on me. I don't see why you're panicking so much." Fluttershy was surprisingly calm.

"You have no idea what the princess is gonna do if she finds you're the one who took her pet, do you?!"

"Do you?"

"Well... No. But it can't be anything good. She might banish you from Equestria. Or throw you in a dungeon. Or banish you and then throw you in a dungeon in the place that she banishes you to!"

"You really think the Princess would do that?"

"Okay. Granted that probably won't happen, but do you wanna take any chances?"

"All that really matters to me is that poor little Philomena here gets well."

"That's very noble of you. I'll write to you when you're banished. Unless I'm banished too somewhere there's no post office. Then you'll have to write to me. Deal?" Why is Twilight such a moron? I thought she was Celestia's top student or whatever, how does she know so little about how Celestia reacts to stuff when she spent most of her life around her?

"Please, Twilight. You just have to help me get Philomena healthy and then we can return her to the Princess. And everything will be fine."

"Did you give her any kind of medicine?" Shit, is this going where I think it is?

"I tried to, but she wouldn't take it." Uh oh.

"Then you have to MAKE her take it. You can't be such a pushover, Fluttershy! You need to show this patient who's the boss. Make her straighten up and fly right!"

"She can't fly!"

"No excuses!" Twilight grabbed the pill and rushed over to me. Shit! I tried to run but she grabbed me with telekinesis, lay me flat on the ground, forced my mouth (or beak or whatever) open and shoved the pill down my throat. "Okay, what else?" I think I'm gonna puke... Whatever that pill was, it wasn't meant for ponies... While I was distracted, Twilight shoved a cone onto my head. I tried and failed to force it off, causing myself to fall over onto my face.

"I don't think she likes it."

"Tough love, baby. You want her to get well, don't you?"

"Of course, but-"

"Next!"

"Well, she desperately needs some bed rest, but I can't get her to stay put." Twilight kicked me onto my back.

"One step ahead of you!" She shoved me into a cage and threw a blanket over the top of it. I struggled and bashed against the cage, trying to escape without using magic. This prank is taking way too much effort!

"It's for your own good, Philomena, I promise. Please, just relax and try to get some sleep."

"What's this soup over here? It smells delicious."

"I made it for Philomena, but she wouldn't eat it."

"Oh, she'll eat it, all right!" Twilight lifted the blanket off of the cage and looked at me evilly while levitating soup. As soon as she opened the door I scrambled out, sending the soup flying. I rushed out the door, the two mares chasing after me.

Twenty minutes of running around avoiding Fluttershy and Twilight later, I was sitting on top of a fountain surrounded by my ex-friends. It was time for the last stage of the plan; faking my/Philomena's death. I changed my form into a bald Philomena just before Watcher spotted me.

"The Princess's pet bird!" He exclaimed, getting me the attention of the others.

"Philomena, come down from there!" Cried Fluttershy, "you'll hurt yourself!" I did some dramatic coughing before leaping off the edge of the statue and surrounding myself in fake fire. While 'ignited', I was teleported away into a nearby house. I looked up to see Celestia with a grin on her face.

"So the ash is switched with me?" I asked. Celestia's grin faltered slightly.

"Geez, you're creepy as a talking bird," she replied. I rolled my eyes and changed back to my regular form.

"Well?"

"Yes, it switched with you. Next thing to do is discover 'the remains' of you. Or Philomena or whatever."

"What are you waiting for? You're gonna be late!"

It had taken all week and today's prank wasn't even worth it, but I was finally back at the castle. I was talking with Watcher as he went back to his main post.

"...And that was enough electricity to fry him to death," I explained. Watcher looked grossed out.

"That's... Pretty gross. So how did the others react when you did that?" He asked.

"Mostly just shocked silences. Twilight threw up a bit, Pinkie sort of deflated and I've never seen Rainbitch look at anything with fear before, so I set a new personal record there. And then the buffalo stopped terrorizing Appleloosa!"

"Huh. So what are you gonna do about gold armour in the future? It might not be as simple as marbles."

"I'm not sure yet. Maybe I should get a weapon of some kind, I'd look awesome with a katana!"

"Who wouldn't?"

"Good point. Anyway, I hopefully wont be seeing Astral-Ass and her lackeys any time soon."

Author's Notes:

This took a little longer to get than expected, mostly due to personal problems.
Sorry for the delay!

A Normal Day In Canterlot

"Hey, Celestia?"

"Yes, Cloud?"

"Can I kill Blueblood?"

"No, you can't kill Blueblood."

"Aw... Fine. What about the pony with ten tones of explosives strapped to their back and a detonator in their mouth that just entered the throne room?"

"Wait, what? Are you serious?"

"Yeah. So can I kill them instead?"

"Uh, sure. But only if you try to stop them without killing them first."

"What?!"

"Deal?"

"Fine. Deal."

"For my sake, Cloud, you got blood all over the carpet!"

"Oops, sorry."

"Do you know how hard it's gonna be to order somepony else to clean it?"

"About as hard as teleporting Soap Sud up here and pointing in the general direction."

"I can't be bothered to cast a teleportation spell!"

"Alright, alright! I'll teleport him for you."

"Gah! How did I get here?!"

"You teleported. Cloud got blood on the throne room carpet, go clean it."

"Cloud! For the millionth time, stop killing terrorists on the easily stained furniture!"

"Sorry!"

"Luna?"

"That is Princess Luna to you!"

"Sorry. Princess Luna?"

"What, Cloud?"

"Can you teach me dream magic?"

"No."

"Aw! Why not?!"

"Because we say so."

"But Luna-!"

"Princess Luna!"

"But Princess Luna! I wanna control dreams and stuff!"

"Too bad. It is our special ability, you do not see us asking you for Arcane magic, do you?"

"Okay..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"So... Wanna bang?"

"Get out of our chambers!"

"Hey, Watcher."

"Hey, Cloud."

"How's guard duty been?"

"Same old. Captain Armour tries to show us up by doing normal guard duties and ends up letting in terrorists then blames us."

"So that's where they keep coming from..."

"It's a shame you didn't become Captain, Armour is bucking terrible."

"Leadership isn't really my thing."

"Yeah. It's too bad anyway. Oh, here comes Bog Clogger. Hey, Bog."

"Hey, Watcher."

"Hey, Bog."

"Buck off, Stick-Head."

"Geez, somepony's got their racism turned up to eleven today."

"Yeah, Bog, you shouldn't be so offensive to him. He saved Equestria! And the world, thinking about it."

"Am I supposed to care?"

"I'll just talk to you later, Watcher. When a certain racist isn't around."

"Celestia! I'm bored!"

"So?"

"Help me be un-bored!"

"Have you asked my sister for sex today?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I can't think of anything else you could do."

"But I'm so bored!"

"What do ponies normally do when they're bored?"

"How should I know? I'm a social outcast."

"I don't know what you should do then. Go and bother Luna for a while."

"Fine."

"Princess Lun-"

"Nope."

"I just wanna-"

"Nope."

"You-"

"Nope."

"But-"

"Nope."

"I-"

"Nope."

"Okay then..."

"Watcher!"

"Yes, Cloud?"

"I'm bored!"

"So?"

"Help me be un-bored!"

"Have you asked Princess Luna for sex today?"

"Yeah."

"Then... Go eat donuts at Pony Joe's."

"Okay. Thanks for the suggestion."

"Morning, Celestia."

"Good morning, Cloud."

"Hey, Celestia?"

"Yes, Cloud?"

"Can I kill Blueblood?"

"No, you can't kill Blueblood."

Author's Notes:

Just some silly filler.

The Prophecy Is Revealed

Force Barrier was a simple spell. It could stop anything non-magical from passing through it (unless it was gold, but all of my spells are weak to that). It was a good spell, one I had made myself. It saved me before I could fly or self levitate and it helped me kick plot when I needed it to. Unfortunately, there's a huge catch; I'm not strong enough to cast many spells at the same time. I could summon many Circles and use spells at the same time, but that was because Circles used my willpower instead of my magic. They were still magical and were still weak to gold, but they originated from somewhere else within me. Two spells at once was my limit, maybe three at a big push.

Whenever I needed to have more defense, I would loose my offense. I could put up a Force Barrier, but then all I had was Kinetic Circles to attack (which I would have to drop the Force Barrier to use effectively). If I had some way to be shielded by an Arcane Circle I could attack completely fine while defending much easier. That is what I had been working on for the last week-or-so; a new Circle. Today, I was doing the final test to see how quickly I could summon it.

Watcher and I were in the throne room, standing at opposite ends. He was aiming a crossbow at me (with iron bolts), ready to fire. The test was simple, Watcher was a good shot and if I failed then things would be painful.

"Are you sure about this?" Watcher shouted across the room, "we could do some less risky tests!"

"I'm sure!" I shouted back, "fire when you're ready!"

"Okay then!" He fired straight away, taking me a little off guard. I focused my will, charged it with magic and summoned the experimental Shield Circle. The crossbow bolt hit the Circle and crushed itself under its own pressure, falling to the ground. Perfect success! Watcher trotted over to me to see what had happened to the bolt. "Holy shit, its completely bucking destroyed!" I grinned.

"The Shield Circle is a complete success!"

"Seems like a pretty good replacement over that other spell."

"Force Barrier? Yeah, it really is. I'm still gonna miss using Force Barrier though."

"Well, that's fair enough. You made it yourself, didn't you?"

"Yeah, along with Majistamp. I didn't really use Majistamp. I've got Kinetic Circles now anyway, it's not gonna be too useful anymore."

"Oh well, you're way more powerful now. Oh shit, what time is it? I've gotta get back to work before Shining Ass lets in more terrorists. See you later, Cloud."

"See you, Watcher." He walked off. Now what? I've got nothing else to do again. Have we asked Luna for sex today? Yeah. I'm out of ideas then. I guess I'll go bug Celestia for a while.

"Hey, Celestia!" I yelled as I burst through her chamber doors, "I'm bored again!" Celestia looked up from a scroll she had been reading, rubbing her temples when she saw me.

"Cloud," she replied, "this has been every bucking day since you came back. I don't have anything you can do, I'm busy with my royal duties, I don't have time to tell you what I've discovered about you now and I wont until the Grand Galloping Gala, my sister doesn't want to sleep with you, you're still not allowed to kill Blueblood nor the nobles. For the last time: Leave me alone, I am busy."

"Geez, you don't have to be so dickish about it. I was only gonna ask what ponies do for fun," I paused for a second. "What do ponies normally do for fun?"

"I don't know, Cloud, I'm not a normal pony!"

"Alright! Alright! Calm down! I'm going!"

I'd decided to go shopping for general items to pass the time, especially considering all I owned was a hat, a tent and a bit of rope (two of which used to be sticks and rocks). So far I had bought a pair of saddle-bags matching my mane and coat colour (with my cutie mark emblazoned onto the sides), a tie that was the same colour as my mane, a belt designed for holding potions and a few books to try to keep myself entertained.

I was walking back to the castle when I suddenly heard some screams from behind me. I turned around to see a brown coated, earth pony stallion running in my direction holding a fancy bag of some kind in his mouth. Behind him, a teal coated mare was freaking out.

"Stop him!" She cried out, "he has my purse! Please! Somepony help me!" I rolled my eyes and grabbed the stallion with telekinesis, holding him still in the air. I yanked the bag out of the stallion's mouth as he started to panic.

"H-Hey!" He shouted at me, "put me down!"

"Sir," I said with a bored tone, "stop being annoying and wait for the police or royal guard or whatever to arrive before you make the situation worse for yourself than it already is."

"No! We need this! Please! I'll make it worth it for you, just let me go!"

"We can do this the easy way, or you can explode into a bloody puddle. Your choice." The stallion gave me a strange look.

"Wait... No! You're one of those aren't you?!"

"What the buck are you even talking about about?"

"You already know what I'm talking about!" He snarled, "I thought you were one of us but you're just another fool, aren't you?! Sun loving cu-!"

"Okay!" I cut him off, "I'm making you unconscious now before you make me kill you!" I sent out a small stream of sleeping gas from my horn before he could escape or attack, sending into sleep instantly. After returning the bag, I waited for the royal guard to arrive and arrest him. I told them what he said and was met with worried looks. I heard one of them mutter something about 'another one' under their breath.

Afterwards, I headed back to my room to think about what the weird stallion had said. Something about the way he had said that I was 'one of those' gave me a bad feeling.

I headed to the Canterlot jail to figure out what was going on with the weird stallion. First, I went to to head jailer's office to see what the royal guards had already found out. I knocked on the door and was soon invited inside. Just like everywhere else in the jail, the room was made from old, large brick slabs. Everything seemed slightly damp, including the desk that the head jailer, Key Chain (black mane, dark grey coat, earth pony), was sitting behind. He motioned to me to take a seat so I did.

"So," he said dryly, "why would somepony like Cloud Calculation want to come down here?"

"I need to ask you about the prisoner that was taken in today," I replied. Chain snorted.

"You think that you have the authority to ask me questions?"

"Yes, yes I do."

"Oh, you do? And why is that?"

"Beat up Nightmare, saved the world, stopped slavers, defeated buffalo champion, beat up Celestia's prize student, took out ten-or-so terrorists and was offered the position of Captain by Celestia herself."

"An average soldier could do twice as much!"

"Actually, I technically beat Nightmare twice. And the second time was in her own dream realm."

"That's still nothing!"

"Alright let's skip the horseshit, what do I have to do to prove myself to you?"

"There's no way you could be good enough! My best soldier-!"

"For buck's sake, just tell me the best thing your best soldier's done and I'll go top it."

"There's no point, you're so weak that you couldn't even-!"

"Screw this, I'm getting a warrant." I teleported to Celestia's chambers, making Celestia jump.

"Cloud!" She shouted, "knock first, you prick!"

"I need a warrant to question the head jailer."

"Only if you agree to knock in the future!"

"Fine! I'll knock! Gimme a warrant already!" She teleported away for a few seconds before returning with my warrant. "Thanks." I teleported back to Key Chain's office and shoved the paper in his face. "Here's a warrant signed by Celestia, now let me question you!"

"Fine! Question me then, hero-wannabe."

"Finally! Geez!" I took a deep breath to calm myself down before I started, "first of all; what was he after? Was there something specific in the bag, or was he just a petty thief?"

"What was who after?"

"The pony you arrested today!"

"Huh? Oh, right. No, there wasn't anything of importance in the purse."

"Okay, how much money was in there?"

"About one hundred bits." How much pocket change do you need?!

"One of the guards mentioned something about him being 'another one'. What did he mean?" Key Chain closed his eyes and sighed.

"All over Equestria since around when you defeated Nightmare Moon, ponies have gone into a panic. Crime is at an all-time high and everypony is loosing trust in each other."

"Why? Shouldn't they be happy that their Princess has returned and the end of the world was prevented?"

"They're upset because of the Elements of Harmony. For one thousand years since Princess Luna's banishment, there were no major disasters or attacks due to the Elements of Harmony acting as a deterrent to anypony with any kind of negative thoughts. It was one thousand years of serenity.

"Then the Fallen Goddess of Nightmares returned. In a fit of rage she abducted her sister and destroyed the Elements, perfectly setting up the ancient prophecy."

"Prophecy? What prophecy?"

"The explosion of colour will set the destiny of six ponies to wield the ultimate magic, and the final harmony will take the throne to Equestria."

"Final harmony?"

"Yes. The prophecy dictates that the bearers of the Elements of Harmony would be revealed. You see, the Elements are designed to boost the life force of the pony wielding them and use that to deliver judgement. If the entity that was being judged failed its trial, they would be punished in whatever the life force of the pony deemed fit.

"The old ruler of these lands; the God of Chaos and Disharmony, was sentenced to endless torment and pain and was turned into a statue to pay for their crimes. Princess Luna, after corrupting into Nightmare Moon, was sentenced to banishment and by her own sister's hoof was sent to the moon. Cold, alone and unable to see her loved ones for ten centuries.

"Legend has it that there will be six ponies that will become the embodiment of each Element's true purpose and power, spreading their harmony across all of Equestria. Ultimate peace would become reality, Celestia could rest after hundreds of years of work, nothing notably bad would ever happen again and we would reach a golden age.

"Roughly ten years ago there was a peculiar incident involving something called a 'sonic rainboom'. A sonic rainboom is like a regular sonic boom which is created when a pegasus somehow manages to fly one thousand, one hundred and ninety five kilometers an hour, AKA the speed of sound. When the sound barrier is broken, there is a loud bang a small shock wave. I'm not sure on the science behind it, I've never understood that sort of thing.

"The point is, there is a big difference between a sonic boom and a sonic rainboom. A sonic rainboom creates a huge shock wave of entirely magical energy. Nopony knows how or why it happens and it has only happened very few times in legend. So you can imagine the surprise when a young filly manages to create one. The appropriately named 'Rainbow Dash' aff-"

"Woah, woah, woah! Rainbitch is the one who performed a rainboom? Seriously!?"

"I take it you've met. As I was saying, Rainbow Dash affected the lives of five other fillies that day by causing their cutie marks to be earned. What did these cutie marks require to be earned? Laughter, kindness, generosity, honesty and magic. At the same time, Rainbow Dash earned her own cutie mark. Her cutie mark depended on her loyalty. All six things that were required for their cutie marks just happen to be the same things that the Elements of Harmony represent. Years later, they all meet up by coincidence and go after the Elements of Harmony.

"The explosion of colour will set the destiny of six ponies to wield the ultimate magic. Exactly as the first half of the prophecy says. Well, except the last little bit of the first half, because they never wielded the ultimate magic. If they had been able to face Nightmare Moon, the Elements would have recognized the bearers and would have been restored to ultimate power. Do you know why they never faced Nightmare Moon? Because when everything seemed like it was going according to plan, a certain turquoise unicorn appeared from nowhere and ruined everything. You caused the prophecy to fail, which prevented the Elements from being restored, which prevents the golden age and deterrent from evil.

"Getting back to what we were originally talking about, Equestrians are in distress due to the Elements of Harmony being destroyed. Not all of them like the idea of Princess Celestia reining for another thousand years, and think that the Elements' destruction is a sign to help the return of the God of Chaos and Disharmony; with them gone, nothing could stand in his way. They created a cult. The Cult of Disharmony. Many of their members steal from others to fuel their ways and help with the return of their God.

"And that is why the pony called you a 'sun lover' and why the guard muttered about another one. Any more questions, hero-wannabe?" I sat in awe of what I had just heard. I stopped the prophecy?

"Wait, if it's a prophecy that was set in stone, how did I interrupt it?"

"That is what the Princess is trying to find out." I sat and thought for a long time. By helping, I doomed us all... Wow, such a good hero... No! Buck you with all the depressing thoughts, me! I can stop the Cult of Disharmony and get the prophecy back on track! I stood up, determined with what I had to do. "Leaving so soon?"

"Thank for the information, Mr Chain. If you'll excuse me, I have a prophecy to repair!" I left the jail and went back to my room to pack. It was time for me to once again go to Ponyville.

Author's Notes:

A quick note on how the current Circles work differently:

The Support Circle acts as a platform that can be used for flight and can boost Cloud's magic. The way it boosts is difficult to describe. It's like putting salt on your tongue to make your mouth water; for a little while your mouth will be moisturized but after it will be drier. It's why he gets so exhausted after fights where he uses them.

The Kinetic Circle lets Cloud charge up a bunch of energy before releasing it all at once as kinetic energy. The more concentration, magic and willpower he puts into one the more powerful it becomes. You could compare it to blowing up a balloon, the more air in means more air will escape afterwards.

The Shield Circle is like a mental block. If it gets hit by something then it damages Clouds willpower rather than physically hurting and damaging him.

---

A quick warning now, sometime around January the updates to this story will most likely slow down considerably. Hopefully I can get a lot of this done by then.

Party Of One

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned that when trying to save the world by correcting a prophecy that you messed up, you most certainly shouldn't fly towards somepony's window at fifty meters a second screaming their name. Glass cuts very deep and is painful to remove.

I also learned that the homeowner will not appreciate you breaking said window, nor bleeding into their floorboards. In most cases, you will be arrested for breaking and entering. The police-ponies that show up will not believe you when you claim to be saving the world.

Your faithful coma patient,

Cloud Calculation.

PS: Please send a lawyer. :(

After I left the Ponyville Detention Centre, I headed back to the library. Walking this time. Maybe I should have put up a shield of some kind before I hit the window. For Realta's sake, why am I only thinking of this now? I was kinda preoccupied! And I still haven't figured out how I'm gonna fix the prophecy. Well the six of them being around the pieces didn't do anything when I was fighting Nightmare, so I can at least rule that out.

What if they have to be fulfilling their roles as each Element while around them? That could work. Wait, how am I going to get anypony to follow me? What do I mean? They all hate me, remember? Oh. Well, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

I arrived at the library and knocked on the door which was soon opened by Spike. He looked at me as if he wasn't sure what to think.

"Hey, Cloud," he greeted slowly.

"Hey, Spike," I quickly replied, "is Twilight in? I really need to see her!" Spike waited for a moment before speaking.

"Twilight's busy right now."

"Can I come in and wait?"

"Uh... She doesn't want you to be here. You should probably go."

"But it's important!"

"I don't think-"

"Spike, this is incredibly important! I need to come in!"

"No, you don't understand-"

"It's about the Elements of-!"

"Cloud!" Spike shouted angrily, cutting me off, "Twilight doesn't want to see you! You've taken it too far this time!"

"But-!"

"She doesn't care! Twilight doesn't want to see you! And... And neither do I!" He slammed the door in my face. I hammered on the door.

"Spike! Come on! The world is stake here!" There was no reply. "Well that's just bucking great, another friendship destroyed." I leaned against the door. Now what? Break in? No, I'd just be arrested again. I could get another warrant from Celestia. I can't teleport that far and flying there and back would be too exhausting. Damn it! And I'll need to think a way to get to all six of them.

Alright, time to think logically. All six of them have some kind of endearing character trait; Applejack's pride, Rainbitch's ego, Pinkie's craziness, Fluttershy's phobia's, Rarity's excessive want to be Canter-Twat and Twilight's blatant lack of general knowledge. What's my trait? I don't know, putting my life on the line to protect my friends just to have them hate me and kick me out into the streets with nothing but my magical skills and a hat leaving me sad, hungry and alone in the world? Oh, hello, depression! How have you been?

I can trick Applejack and Rainbitch by challenging their pride and ego, and... Uh... Well, that's all I have so far. Well, it's better than nothing. Oh! For Rarity, I could shape shift into a Canter-Twat and seduce her. How will that help in any way? Exhaust her with sex and then drag her into the Everfree to the old castle in the dead of night? 'Cause that's not creepy.

Fine, I'll start with Applejack. I can challenge her pride in some way and then something something friendship. I'd complain about the plan but I really have no idea how to do 'friend' stuff. If risking my life to save theirs and simultaneously the world isn't enough then I have no idea how to do 'friendship'.

I headed towards Applejack's farm.

A couple of months ago when I had woken up from my second coma, Celestia had explained a few things that had happened. One of the things was when Rainbitch had challenged Applejack to something called an 'iron pony' competition. It was something about athletics or other sporty stuff but more importantly it was a way to challenge Applejack's pride.

On the way I had stopped by Zecora to pick up a Potion of Boosted Strength so that I could cheat at the competition. I obviously wouldn't be able to use my magic (at least not in large amounts), so I needed a little insurance. I had the bottle tied around my neck since I had left my belt in my tent which was near the Everfree.

I arrived at the farmhouse and knocked on the door. After a minute or two Big Mac opened the door with a grumpy expression on his face.

"Can Ah help you?" He asked tiredly.

"Hey, Big Mac," I replied, "I need to see Applejack."

"Tha's too bad. Come back a good hour."

"What do you mean? What time is it?"

"It's three AM. Get offa our propety."

"It's not like the world's at stake, buddy..." I muttered to myself.

"Get offa our propety!"

"You want me here at a reasonable hour? Fine!" I fired sleeping gas at myself and collapsed.

I woke up in the barn. The locked barn. Prick. Sunlight poured through gaps in the walls so it was probably a good enough time to go to Applejack. Wait, where's my potion?! My potion was nowhere to be seen. Mother bucker! I teleported back outside and snuck towards the farmhouse.

I could see Applejack, Big Mac, a small yellow filly and an elderly mare sitting at a kitchen table, talking about something as they ate what was probably breakfast. I shapeshifted into an ant and crawled through a crack in the wall to listen to what they were saying.

"...Fancy magic on 'imself and fell to th' floor," said Big Mac.

"What did ya do to 'im?" Asked the filly.

"Ah dragged 'im to th' barn and locked 'im in. We can ask 'im some questions soon."

"Like what?"

"Like why e's on th' farm at such a stupid time!" Exclaimed Applejack. Wait, why do I have to trick anypony to get them to the castle? What do you- Oh yeah, magic ex machina. I changed back to me original form, shocking the four farmponies at the table. I grabbed Applejack in a telekinetic hold and teleported both of us the ruins of the old castle. "What th' buck?!"

"Applejack, wait here!" I blurted out just before teleporting to Carousel Boutique. Rarity was sitting at a desk with some cloth and a sewing machine, she screamed and fell as I exploded into the room. I grabbed her and teleported back to the ruins, dropping her off. I then teleported to Sugarcube Corner for Pinkie, Fluttershy's cottage for Fluttershy, the library for Twilight and then realized I didn't know here Rainbitch lived.

I cast a heat tracking spell in the air and flew after the results on a Support Circle. After a few flocks of birds, I found Rainbitch's cloud house, grabbed her and teleported back to the castle. I had all six of them near the remains of the Elements.

"Alright!" I shouted to all of them, "do friendship!" The six of them looked at me with concerned expressions (except Rainbitch, she looked more pissed off than concerned).

"Cloud," Twilight said slowly, "this has to stop. I don't know what has happened to you, but you've gone too far."

"No-no-no! Trust me! Just do friendship! You'll see what I mean!"

"Cloud-"

"This bucking stick-head is always messing things up for us!" Yelled Rainbitch.

"Buck you, Rainbitch," I replied.

"Stop calling me 'Rainbitch'! I have a bucking name!"

"Sorry, Flappy Gas Lord, I must have been slightly pissed at you still being a bucking racist! I'm trying to save the bucking world here and-!"

"You're not saving anything! You're just fueling your ego from getting lucky with Nightmare Moon!"

"Go buck-!"

"I'm sick of you always-!" I cast a muting spell and turned back to the others.

"Look, I need you to-" I was cut off by Rainbitch hitting me with a high speed punch to the back of my head. Anger flowed through me. I went for a backhoof but missed when she flew upwards, quickly after trying to kick me in the face. I dodged easily, grabbed her with telekinesis and cast spell to block her pegasus magic, sending her to the floor.

Rainbitch quickly stood up and went for another punch which I blocked by a quick Shield Circle before KC punching her in the face sending her sprawling. She didn't get up. I turned to the others again only to get slugged by Applejack. The force knocked me back a bi but I caught myself before falling. I was uncontrollably angry by this point.

"Nopony messes with mah-!" I cut Applejack off with a headbutt. While she was stunned I grabbed her head, slammed it into the floor and Majistamped on the back of it. A puddle of blood formed from under her. I looked up to try for the third time to get back to talking but was hit (once again in the face) by a magic bolt from Twilight.

That was enough to make me scream in frustration. I floated her into the air with telekinesis and let loose an intense magic beam. I threw her at the castle where she hit against a wall. I didn't bother checking if she even survived. I turned back the three still conscious/alive.

"THIS IS THE BUCKING THANKS I GET?! I'VE SAVED ALL OF YOU SO MANY BUCKING TIMES! I'VE SAVED ALL OF BUCKING MAGI! I'VE STOPPED TERRORISTS, RAPISTS, MURDERERS, SUPER VILLAINS AND EVEN BUCKING BULLIES! BUT NO, I OBVIOUSLY DON'T DESERVE YOUR TRUST OR EVEN A PLACE TO BUCKING STAY! I SAVE YOUR LIVES AND THE ONLY THANKS I GET IS GETTING THROWN OUT ONTO THE STREET! BUCK YOU! BUCK ALL OF YOU! YOU KNOW WHAT?! I'LL JUST LET THE WORLD END NEXT TIME! GO DIE IN A FIRE, YOU MORONIC PIECES OF STEAMING HORSESHIT!"

I summoned a Support Circle and flew away.

Author's Notes:

I've added the 'sex' and 'gore' tags to the story because I'm not sure whether the stuff so far are enough for them.
I find it awesome that the title of the episode this is parallel to has a whole other meaning in this situation. In the show it meant Pinkie but here it means Cloud, loosing friends left and right.

Destroying The Universe

Alcohol is a good pain killer. Emotionally and literally. After I had finished yelling, I flew away on a Support Circle, grabbed my things and gone up the cave where the sleeping dragon used to be.

After buying cider of course.

Being alone is a painful thing. Everypony hating you even though you're trying to do a good thing is even worse. Geez, I'm getting bucking edgy. I finished off the last few drops in the bottle I was holding then threw the bottle off of the cliff. Maybe I have everything backwards. Maybe I'm supposed to be a villain myself. Buck you, stop being edgy. I have no purpose in life... I'm just some weird anomaly... No! Buck you! I have a bucking purpose! Care to enlighten myself? The Cult of Disharmony! I can still stop the Cult of Disharmony! Well, there's nothing else to do.

I collected my things and for the millionth time, made my way to Canterlot.

Once again I was sitting in Key Chain's office.

"So," Chain started, "the hero-wannabe returns. How'd 'repairing the prophecy' go for you? Ruined it more?"

"Mr Chain," I said slowly, "I need to question the stallion that was arrested the other day."

"Oh, lost your moxie? What happened? Did you look in a mirror and realize how pathetic you are?"

"Just let me question him."

"Why? So you can mess that up, too?"

"Mr Chain, with all due respect, go buck your mother."

I got up off of the street and spat dirt out of my mouth. Ow. Getting thrown out of jail is better than getting thrown in, at least. Now what? I can't even stop a cult from happening. Everything is messed up, what do I do now?! Well... There was that last resort plan I thought of a while ago... Do I mean the one that could collapse the fabric of reality and destroy the universe? Yes. Uh... Well, why not? To the hospital!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfqRfsoaosU&feature=youtu.be

Author's Notes:

Extremely short but there wasn't much to do to set up for the next chapter.
So, do you remember in 'Bridle Gossip' when I mentioned the beginning of a weird arc?
The arc is soon going to end and things will go back to 'normal'.
WARNING: The next chapter is weird.

Bridle Gossip Part 3

I'd spent the night at Zecora's to help her calm down and to make sure she didn't do anything to herself while she was so down. I didn't sleep. At about eight I decided it was time. I took over.

At some point the circle had returned. I'm flying towards Ponyville on the circle. My speed was pretty fast, mostly due to the lack of wind resistance. Oh, it looks like the 'normal' voices have become dormant for now. We're all the same person so they'll remember me later. May as well name myself before they get bullshitty with other stuff. I'm also the only one that seems to know what the buck is happening with us. I guess I'll have to explain that too.

Cloud Calculation has multiple personality disorder. The 'Voice of Reason' and 'General Thoughts Voice' are both him. Arguments further data so he uses himself to expand his mind. The 'Monologue Voice' is something new. They were born from Cloud always thinking about what was going on around him in more detail than needed. They became apparent more recently, sometime around when Cyan-Twat broke his collar bone. They're barely a separate personality, and they're almost fully controlled by Cloud anyway. For now, I'm controlling them instead while Cloud is dormant.

I've been here since the Nightmare fight. I was born from rage and power clashing. I take hold when Cloud needs someone to fight for him. I can control the Arcane Circles (what he calls the 'circle thing') and have full memory of every spell he has ever learnt. Even from before the field. Unfortunately, I only have the spells. Much like Cloud, I can't remember anything else. I can access his memories, but he can't access mine. It wouldn't matter anyway, our memories are almost exact. For now.

Cloud Calculation has his head in the clouds, always thinking. Fits his name really. I hate him, and I hate that this body is his and not mine. But if he's going to be getting into fights, then I will protect this body. I will fight until I die. He's got brains, but I'm more powerful than he can ever imagine. I even gave myself a name:

I am Storm Cloud. And I'm about to bring the thunder.

I dropped the Arcane Circle at the library. Twilight would be the first example to Cloud of what I will do. I slammed open the door to see his five friends plus one. Something was off about everypony but I didn't give a shit.

"Oh, Astral-Ass!" I called to Twilight as I got closer to her. She turned to look at me, looking surprised at the nickname. "It's time for you to answer my questions." I was standing next to her now.

"Cloud?" She replied, "what's wrong with your eyes? They look... Hollow.... Did Zecora get you?"

"Stop talking or I will break you," I explained calmly. Anger makes you stupid, which is why I like to be calm. You need to be clever if you want to make ponies hurt badly.

"Zecora cursed us when we tried to talk to her earlier. Did she get you as well and do something to your eyes?" Zebras are almost exactly like earth ponies, except their magic was with using plants in chemistry rather than farming. There is no way for them to cast spells, hexes or curses. Twilight knows this. "Don't worry, we're gonna go and teach that evil Zebra a less-!"

Different Arcane Circles worked in different- WHAT THE BUCK?! I was about to Kinetic Circle punch Twilight (or KC punch for short), when suddenly another Cloud (wearing a stetson) exploded into existence and blocked it with a kind of Arcane Circle I'd never seen before.

"Hello, Stormy!" He called cheerily to me, "I'm here to break the universe! Well, break my universe. Look, the multiverse is hard to explain and past me hasn't figured it all out yet. Basically, I'm gonna kick my own ass!" He threw a KC punch at me. I put up a Force Barrier but the punch went straight through and sent me flying. I smashed against a bookshelf, sending books all over the place.

Before I could react, I was grabbed in a telekinetic hold and electrocuted. As I screamed in pain, Stetson-Cloud threw me towards a wall-

"Ow," I gurgled without opening my eyes. Wait! I'm back to me again! What happened? Was I... Attacked by myself? I opened my eyes and found myself in my room, on the top floor of the library. There was a strange scroll on my bedside table. I picked it up and opened it.

CLOUD! READ THIS!

Okay, so you probably have a lot of questions but I don't really care. The you that attacked you was me, and I am you from the future. In my timeline things went wrong. Really wrong. So I launched a cuo counter plan:

-Go back in time to the point where things started to go downhill (which was when I appeared).
-Knock myself out.
-Eradicate Storm Cloud with advanced medical magic.
-Force myself into being conscious with help from Luna.
-Improvise.

The main reason I left this scroll here was to tell you an important message:

At some point in time, go back to the moment when I appeared and do all of the stuff that I did. If I don't, the universe will implode. Or explode. It'll end in some way.

Also look more into the willpower theory.

By doing this, I should have created a new timeline. In my version of things, everything bucked up but as long as you remember to go back in time and do the stuff then the universe shouldn't end. In the new timeline at lae least.

Don't hate Twilight and the others for the racism. Stop them from doing it by all means but don't attack them. And don't kill stuff as a solution.

So... Yeah. Bye.

"What the buck?" I asked nopony in particular. So future me broke the universe to change something bad from happening? Huh. I should probably go talk to Twilight. I did try to attack her after all. I got out of bed, stretched out, opened the curtains to let in sunlight then headed downstairs.

I could hear Twilight talking with somepony in the kitchen. As I got closer I could see that future me was still here. I probably wasn't out for very long. I crept closer to the doorway, staying quiet so I could eavesdrop on myself. Future me suddenly broke down in tears and started hugging Twilight.

"I'm so sorry!" He sobbed into her, "I just lost control, a-and I didn't know what to do and..." He went quiet as Twilight wrapped her hooves around his back, returning the hug.

"It's okay," she softly assured him, "you've changed the timeline now, it's never even going to happen." They continued hugging for a few moments. A yellow aura was fading into existence around future me.

"Oh. My time here's up. You might want to take a few steps back, the two timelines are about to meet up." Twilight did as he asked. As future me floated into the air slightly, the aura became completely opaque. The aura seemed to give off more energy and he started screaming. The aura-covered unicorn exploded and disappeared completely. Twilight sat on the floor, looking sad. What was that all about? I walked into the room, causing Twilight to spin round to face me. She quickly wiped her eyes and put on a smile.

"Oh! Hey, Cloud!" Her voice was cracking slightly as if she'd been crying. "I didn't see you there!"

"Twilight?" I asked, "what's wrong?"

"I-I was just, uh..." She sighed and calmed down. "It's nothing. How are you feeling?"

"A bit woozy and bruised but generally okay. Was I out for long?"

"Only a few hours." May as well talk about the racism now.

"I need to talk to you about Zecora. You-"

"I know. Future you already explained. I overreacted and I'm sorry, I'll talk to the others later."

"Okay. I think I need to go and rest for a while, I'll see you later, Twilight."

"Bye, Cloud."

Author's Notes:

I'm really happy with how this chapter turned out! I was getting annoyed at how edgy I was making Cloud and it ended up derailing from what I was planning to do, ruining the plot for the entire story. Luckily I had a theory on a temporal paradox that could be used to create an alternate timeline that I was saving to use in a plot of a movie or series (I'm aspiring to be a director), so I used it here to make everything less edgy and dark. While magic ex machina is fun, it only leads to edginess.

Now it can go back to how it was before while still having all of the other stuff!

Don't worry, this isn't a thing Cloud can keep doing. He only gets one retry after every huge mistake and he can't ever go back anywhere from here-ish to when he went back (a little before the gala).

Swarm Of The Century

As future me had requested, I looked more into my theory on willpower controlling the Arcane Circles. It hadn't taken long to test and it turned out that I could control the Arcane Circles through sheer willpower. They weren't very strong yet, but that would hopefully improve over time. However, there were two problems; I only had two Circles (Support and Kinetic) and had no idea how to learn more. I'd planned to try creating some myself but I couldn't yet since I wasn't anywhere near powerful enough to try.

Future me had really given me a beating, meaning every day I was waking up to aches and bruises. It was incredibly annoying, so I had learned a healing spell and was about to test it. I stared deep into a mirror, concentrating my magical energy onto my black eye. I activated the spell, causing intense heat to surround my eye. After a few seconds the heat went away, leaving me with my eye fixed and good as new. Yes!

I fixed up the rest of me and headed downstairs to get lunch. A haycon sandwich would be so good right now. As I reached the bottom of the stairs I saw that for whatever reason, the library was in a huge mess. Spike and Twilight were trying to clean it. Or rather Spike was trying to clean it while Twilight went crazy with a feather duster.

"Hurry up, Spike!" Exclaimed Twilight, "this place isn't going to clean itself!"

"It also didn't mess itself up..." Spike murmured to himself. Neither of them noticed me, so I went straight to the kitchen to make a sandwich. I got out some haycon, opened up the bread bin and- Holy shit! We're out of bread! I sprinted to the front door, crashing into it and startling the other two. "Uh... Hey, Cloud."

"Cloud, what are you doing?"

"There's no time to explain!" I yelled frantically, "there's a bread related emergency!" I fumbled with the door handle.

"What do you mean 'bread related emergency'? There's plenty of bread."

"There's only brown bread, Twilight! Brown bread!" I tore the door open and sprinted towards town square to find a bread stall.

About five hours later I returned to the library with a literal tonne of bread. White bread of course. It was already getting dark and I was tired from my bread related adventure, so I decided to go to bed and make my sandwich tomorrow instead. I stored the bread away and headed upstairs, opening my bedro- OH REALTA, GIANT INSECTS! I may or may not have shrieked, attempted to run, tripped up and fallen down the stairs.

"Cloud?" Twilight called from her and Spike's room, "what in Tartarus are you doing out there?"

"The bug lord has come for my soul!" I screamed, "hide the mares and foals!" I ran to the kitchen and yanked open the fridge. I grabbed whatever I could with my hooves (I was too panicked to use magic) and locked myself in the basement. I quickly put up some anti-insect wards on every surface I could find. If they got past the ones in my room, what good will these do?! Twilight bashed on the door.

"Cloud! What are you doing? What do you mean 'bug lord'? The only thing in your room was one of the cute creatures Fluttershy found today. I thought you'd like one as a pet, so I left one in there for you. I had to disable your anti-bug wards, sorry about that."

"Dammit, Twilight! I'm entomophobic!"

"You're what?"

"Entomophobic! I have a bug phobia!" Twilight gasped.

"Oh my Celestia! I'm so sorry, Cloud, I didn't know! I'll take it out of your room right away!"

"It doesn't matter anymore, now I know it's been there! I'm spending the night down here!"

"Okay. I'm so sorry!" Twilight went back upstairs.

It took me a long time to get to sleep that night.

The morning of the next day seemed like it was going to be good. Twilight would have gotten rid of the freakishly huge bug, I had bread to make a haycon sandwich and I hadn't even woken up bruised. So when I opened the basement door to see billions of the freakishly huge bugs eating everything, I was more than justified for passing out.

"...Oud? Cloud, are you okay?" Twilight was shaking me awake. I curled up into a ball and started crying.

"So... Many... Bugs..." I sobbed to myself.

"Oh, Celestia, I'm too late... Cloud, it's okay. They're gone now." I continued sobbing.

It took about an hour for me to calm down. There was one shining light that kept me going. One reason I could think straight. One reason to regain control of myself. There was a haycon sandwich waiting to be made! I shakily made my way to he kitchen, opened the door, saw that the bugs had eaten the bread and haycon, curled back into a ball and went back to crying. Today is the worst day...

Winter Wrap Up

"So you're saying we have to clean up a magical winter without using magic?" I groggily asked Twilight. She nodded gleefully.

"Yep!" Twilight exclaimed, "isn't it great?"

"No."

"What?! How can you not be excited for this?!"

"Like so." I hit myself with a cloud of magic sleeping gas, sending into a sleep that Twilight couldn't wake me from.

Author's Notes:

The easy way out!

Call Of The Cutie

My magical skills were increasing exponentially with barely any work on my end. The sudden increase began when I started using the Arcane Circles and the more I just used them, the more powerful I became with all of my magic. It was because of this that I had calmed down with my studies. I was still learning new spells and mastering the ones I already knew, but I didn't have to work twenty-four/seven anymore. After a couple of weeks (assuming I keep increasing at the same rate), I might be able to try making my own Circles.

I was out for a walk around Ponyville. The weather was sunny, I hadn't seen Rainbitch since I beat myself up and I had cheated my way out of helping clean up winter. Things were looking good! I had been walking for about twenty minutes when I saw four fillies supposedly making their way home from school. This wouldn't have been anything noteworthy, but one of them was Applejack's sister (What was her name? Apple Bloom?) and she looked pretty depressed. The four stopped, and two of them (a pink one wearing a tiara and a grey one wearing blue glasses) started circling Apple Bloom and the red-maned filly wearing purple glasses she was standing next to. I was too far away to hear what they were saying.

Suddenly, the tiara filly and the blue glasses filly both yelled out something incoherent, double bro-hoofed a few times and... Rubbed their butts together? What the buck are kids doing these days? They walked off and the blue glasses filly started saying stuff again. By now I was close enough to hear.

"See you this weekend!" She said in the douchiest tone I'd heard since Trixie.

"Blank Flanks!" The tiara filly and the blue glasses filly both called Apple Bloom and the purple glasses filly. They both looked pretty depressed. The two douchebags passed me so I walked up to Apple Bloom.

"Hey, Apple Bloom," I greeted her. Apple Bloom looked up, confused for a second at who I was before recognizing me.

"Oh, hey, Cloud," She replied.

"It's been a while. Anyway, what in Tartarus were those two doing? Why were they rubbing butts?"

"Tha' was Diamond Tiara an' Silver Spoon, they were tauntin' us abou' not havin' our cutie marks yet..."

"I understand how that could bring you down a bit but I don't get why you're this torn up over it."

"We're th' last in our class to ge' our cutie marks."

"So?"

"Whaddya mean 'so'?!"

"I just don't get why that's so bad."

"It mean's we don' have a special talent..."

"That's... Not what a cutie mark represents." Apple Bloom looked up with a confused expression on her face.

"Whaddya mean?"

"You realize what a cutie mark is, right?"

"Yeah, it shows a special talen' of a pony."

"Eh... Yes and no."

"Huh?"

"A cutie mark appears when a pony becomes exceptionally good a certain skill. For example; have you noticed that Applejack has a cutie mark of apples but Granny Smith has a cutie mark of pie?"

"Yeah, so?"

"Well, Granny Smith doesn't have it in her to buck the trees anymore and- Wait, why aren't you giggling at me saying buck?"

"Why would Ah giggle a' tha'?" Oh! She might not know it as a curse word!

"Uh, nothing! Forget I said that! Anyway, she doesn't have it in her to do that anymore, so it's not a skill she has. However, she does still have the capability to bake and it's something she's become good at, thus the cutie mark."

"What does 'thus' mean?"

"It's like an alternate word for 'therefore'."

"Oh. Wait, then why doesn' Applejack have an apple buckin' cutie mark?"

"Her skill isn't just bucking..." Hee-hee! Shut up! "...it's loads of apple-related stuff, which is why it's three apples representing lots of apple stuff. Big Mac is mediocre at-"

"Wha' does 'mediocre' mean?"

"Average. Anyway, Big Mac is mediocre at bucking and other apple stuff, but he's great at the things related to planting, which is why he has an apple showing seeds. Cutie marks also grant the bearer special abilities, and since your entire family has apple related cutie marks your family gets specialties in growing apples."

"Oh. Cool! Wha' do Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon's mean?"

"What are the cutie marks?"

"Diamond Tiara's is a diamond tiara and Silver Spoon's is a silver spoon."

"I assume Diamond Tiara was the one wearing a diamond tiara since she has a diamond tiara cutie mark?" Apple Bloom nodded. "Well... I assume they're both bullies?" Another nod. "Tiara's is being arrogant using her jewelry and Spoon's is seeming important or high priority at the expense of being second best."

"Ah still don' get why you didn' understan' me before when Ah was talkin' about gettin' mah cutie mark." I sighed.

"Look, here's what I'm trying to say; find a skill you like and become great enough at it, then you'll get a cutie mark. It's not just doing something once and getting one, you have to put lots of work in."

"Wow! So mah cutie mark can be anythin' I wan' it t' be?"

"Pretty much. Everypony is better and worse at everything than everypony else, so it's a good idea to choose something you're either already good at or really enjoy."

"Tha's amazin'! Oh, but we still won't have our cutie marks by Diamond Tiara's cute-ceañera..."

"So?"

"It's great tha' ah know how cutie marks work, but me and Twist'll get bullied more after we show up wi' no cutie marks."

"Why are you going to a party being thrown by somepony you hate?"

"Everypony'll be there! We'll be less popular if we don' go!"

"Popularity doesn't matter. What other ponies think of you doesn't matter. If they like you, hate you or anything inbetween, it doesn't matter. As long as you like yourself for who you are and like yourself as an individual, that's all that matters. Know in your heart and soul that you like who you are and it won't even matter to you if your entire class starts jeering at you. As long as you like yourself, the bullies are nothing."

"Wow! Tha' was a grea' speech!"

"Oh, and if you ever want payback, just tell their parents!"

"Okay! Oh, pony-feathers! Ah'm late for getting home!"

"Don't worry about it, I'll drop you two off." I flared my horn up. "Where do you need to go?"

Author's Notes:

Alternate title: My Headcanon On Cutie Marks

The CMC will still be a thing but it'll be about trying different skills to see what they like, not randomly trying to earn their marks.

Suited For Success

Applejack knocked on Rarity's bedroom door a few times, then immediately burst into the room.

"You know, the point of knocking is to wait for permission to enter!" I said slightly annoyed.

"Howdy, Rarity!" Greeted Applejack, ignoring me.

"Shh!" Twilight exclaimed, "can't you see Rarity is trying to concentrate?"

"What do you think she's makin'?"

"It's a dress shop, what do you think she's making?" I asked rhetorically.

"Stetsons?" I facehoofed.

"It looks like a dress," observed Twilight.

"Thanks, captain obvious, I never would have guessed!"

"Is there something I can help you with?" Rarity asked, turning to face us.

"Oh, so very sorry to trouble you, Rarity, but I need a quick favour," Twilight pulled an old dress from her saddlebags. "Could you please fix the button for me? It's my dress for the Grand Galloping Gala." She laid the dress on a nearby desk. Rarity gasped.

"Oh, no, no, no! You can't wear this... Old thing. You need a glamorous new outfit for the Gala and I'll make it for you. No problem at all. It will be my pleasure!"

"Oh, that's really sweet of you to offer, Rarity, but I can't let you do that. It would be so much work. This dress is fine."

"Twilight Sparkle, I insist on making you a new dress!"

"But-"

"Not another word!" Rarity shook her hoof at Twilight vigorously. "I won't take 'no' for an answer!"

"Well, in that case... Thank you for your generosity, Rarity. Knowing your handiwork, I'm sure it will be absolutely beautiful!" Rarity looked towards Applejack.

"Let me guess, Applejack; you don't want a new gown either."

"Gown?" Asked Applejack, "shoot, I was just gonna wear my old work duds." Rarity gasped again.

"You can't possibly be serious, Applejack! You absolutely must wear formal attire!"

"Hmm... Nah!"

"What if I just spruce up your... 'Duds' for you a little bit?"

"Uh... Okay, sure. Why not? Since you're up for it and all. Just don't make them too... Froufrou-y."

"Deal! What about you, Cloud?"

"I was just gonna buy a tie or something," I explained. "I'm not going for the party anyway."

"That's no excuse to not be as fashionable as possible!"

"I will be fashionable: I'll have my good looks and a tie."

"I wouldn't call that manestyle 'good looking'."

"What was that?"

"Oh, nothing! But I insist on making you something to wear, too."

"Ugh... Fine. But only if it's a plain black suit. Nothing too zesty." Not a word heard very often these days.

"That's fine! I can make even the simplest of suits look amazing!" She suddenly gasped a third time. "Idea! I'll make formal clothes for all of you! As well as the other three, of course."

"Okay, just keep mine simple."

A few days later, Rarity invited us back to carousel boutique to show us our clothes. We were walking into her bedroom with our eyes closed.

"That's it," said Rarity, guiding us. "Keep them closed. Don't look. Okay, you can look now!" We opened our eyes and saw- Shit! That looks awesome! I grinned manically and the girls gasped.

"These are your new outfits! What do you think of your old duds now, Applejack? Pretty swanky, are they not? And Twilight! I made this dress for you and I designed each outfit theme to perfectly reflect each pony's unique personality. Well, except yours, Cloud, I made your suit plain and black as you asked, but I still made it look so elegant, did I not? Oh, it took me forever to get the colors right on this one, Rainbow Dash, but I did it. And it turned out beautiful, don't you think? Ooh, and I know you are going to love yours, Fluttershy. It just sings spring! And Pinkie Pie, look! Pink! Your favorite! Aren't they all amazing?"

"Oh my Realta!" I exclaimed, "these are awesome, Rarity! Do you mind if I try mine on now?"

"Thank you, Cloud! And I don't mind at all, there's a mirror on the back of the door!"

"Thanks!" I grabbed my suit and dashed to the mirror. Before I could put it on, Twilight spoke up.

"Cloud, can I talk to you outside for a second?" She asked.

"Okay." We went outside the room and Twilight closed the door. "What's up?"

"Do you really like the suit she made you that much?" What?

"Of course I do. Why? Don't you like your dress?"

"It's just... Not what I had in mind..."

"So? It's a gift from a friend. You're not even paying her for it, if you hate it you should at least humor her."

"I don't hate it! I just wasn't expecting it to be like that...

"That's your own fault for not asking for something more specific when she offered the first time. If somepony buys you lunch, always make your order specific. She put her heart and soul into those dresses, she even made something as simple as this suit look great. You should be more grateful."

"You're right... Sorry for bothering you about this, Cloud." We went back into the bedroom.

"They sure are, uh..." said Applejack.

"They're great, Rarity!" Exclaimed Twilight who then went on to pretty much repeat what I'd said but in a way that Rarity wouldn't be able to tell that she was trying to tell the others to be grateful.

I closed the door to see the mirror. It's suit time! I put on the suit, struck a pose and looked into the mirror. It looked awesome!

Author's Notes:

New cover art!
I screwed up the tie on the suit picture a bit unfortunately.
I find it kinda funny that I can get Cloud to interact with Apple Bloom in 'Call Of The Cutie' but I can't think of anything interesting enough for 'Fall Weather Friends'.

---

UPDATE MUCH LATER
Picture was updated, here's original:

Feeling Pinkie Keen

"So you're sure about this?" Spike asked as I set a rock onto the library table.

"Absolutely," I replied, "those books Celestia sent were pretty simple." Celestia had sent me some of Starswirl The Bearded's books since I had pretty much run out of useful spell books in the Ponyville library.

"I know, but there was that note she sent with them that really rubs me the wrong way..." Along with the books she sent a note. Apparently future me had done a lot more than I previously imagined, including asking her to send the books at a specific date. She'd said that future me was talking about 'needing to keep certain things fixed' and something about 'time-streams merging'. What else did future me do? "I don't understand who she meant by 'Stetson Cloud'."

"It's fine, just an inside joke between us. Okay, time to test this spell!" I was trying the spell 'Transmutation Beta'. It seemed interesting and transmutation would be useful in so many situations. Double benefit!

I summoned a Support Circle to power myself up, got into a casting stance and began the spell. The rock glowed blue and floated into the air, slowly spinning. Its spin became faster and faster until it was only a blur. I hit the highest surge of energy required for the spell, causing colour to explode from the rock. It slowed down and stopped glowing, lowering itself back onto the table in front of me. It had become a small gem. The spell was a success.

"Buck yeah!" I shouted, hoof-pumping a few times.

"It worked perfectly!" Cried Spike, picking up the gem. "And it looks delicious! Do you mind if I take a bite?"

"You can have the whole thing."

"Thanks!" He popped it into his mouth for a second before spitting it back out. "Ew! It tastes disgusting!"

"I guess you can't really transmutate flavour. Actually, now that we're on the subject, what do gems taste like for dragons?" Spike scratched his chin for a moment.

"I guess they're sort of... Hmm... I'm not sure how to describe it... In a way, it's like cake icing; sometimes there's a distinct flavour, sometimes you don't know what it tastes like but you can still taste something. You know what I mean?"

"Yeah, I get it. Sometimes it's like chocolate, sometimes it's like pure sugar."

"Pretty much. Anyway, I've gotta take some books to the town hall."

"Wait, Twilight still has you deliver stuff for her? Why doesn't she just teleport it?"

"She said something like 'I need to learn my way around Ponyville better'. It's baloney! I could make my way there backwards and still be fine!"

"You're a dragon of many talents, Spike, but I kinda doubt that."

"It's true! Look, I'll prove it to you!" Spike grabbed a pile of books and Luna-walked to the library door, slamming it open. Did he just reverse-slam a door with his butt? The door closed itself afterwards. A few seconds later, Twilight burst through the door, dragging Pinkie with her tail in her mouth.

"Twilight, what are doing?"

"I need to do some experiments on Pinkie!" Twilight exclaimed, her voice muffled through Pinkie's tail.

"Hi, Cloud!" Pinkie greeted happily as Twilight dragged her towards the basement.

"Hey, Pinkie. I didn't expect you to be so crude about this, Twilight, and I thought it would be with either Rarity or Rainbitch."

"What?" Twilight asked.

"Just know that I respect you even if you find you are."

"If I find that I'm what?"

"Well, I'll give you some privacy for your 'experiment'."

"What do you- Oh! No-no-no-no-no! That's not what I'm doing!"

"Have fun down there!"

"No-! Gah! Pinkie's having twitches that predict the future! I'm not gay!"

"You tell yourself that."

"Ugh! Just help me bring her down here, would you?!"

At some point, Twilight had set up a lab in the basement. I have no idea when or why. We hooked Pinkie up to some sort of seismogram-like machine and Twilight shackled her hooves.

"Okay," Twilight started, "now when you get another twitch, we'll have all kinds of scientific information."

"Okey dokey lokey!" There was an awkward silence.

"Any twitches yet?"

"Nopey dopey!"

"Now? Anything?"

"Wait! Hold on! Uh... No."

"Are you kidding me?! After a whole day of non-stop twitching, now that I've got you all hooked up, you're not getting a single one?!"

"I don't control it, they just come and go."

"That makes no sense!"

"Sometimes you just have to believe in things, even when you can't figure 'em out."

"I will not believe in anything I cannot explain!"

"Wait, hold on, I'm feeling something..."

"Oh my gosh, what? What is it?!" Pinkie's stomach rumbled.

"It's my tummy! That usually means I'm hungry! Let's eat!"

"Ugh! You know what?" Twilight yanked some wires out of the machine, causing it to stop working. "Just forget it! I don't need to know if this is real or not. I don't need to understand it! I don't even care!" Twilight headed back upstairs. I unshackled Pinkie and we both followed her.

"Okey dokey lokey!" When Pinkie came close to the door, she suddenly gasped and backed off. "Uh-oh!" She started shaking and doing weird movements.

"Twilight, I think Pinkie's having a seizure," I said, turning to see Spike holding the door open. Pinkie bounce towards him, now apparently fine.

"Pinkie?" Spike asked, "have you seen Twilight?"

"Uh-huh," she answered as she bounced past and through the door, closing it behind her. Twilight was squished on the back of the door.

"Twilight? What are you doing back there?" Twilight groaned.

"Did you three plan this?" She asked.

"Plan what?" Twilight fell onto the floor.

"Ugh! This is ridiculous! This can't be happening! This makes no sense! I have to figure this out!"

"Twilight, why are we sitting in a bush?" I asked, casting a quick anti-bug spell.

"Pinkie Pie, scientific name: Pinkius Pieicus, in its natural habitat," she murmured to herself, scribbling notes onto a scroll.

"Actually, better question, what's even going on?"

"There's something fishy going on with the whole twitchy prediction thing, and I'm getting to the bottom of it."

"Twitchy prediction thing?"

"Yes."

"Why am I here?"

"Spike was busy, and this is better with a companion of sorts." If I had a bit for every time I've heard that one... I would have one bit. Stop ruining my thought jokes! I sighed.

"Fine. What's going on?"

"Pinkie is having twitches that she claims predict the future. We are going to disprove her."

"Twitches that predict the future?"

"Yes."

"And you don't believe it?

"You do?"

"Well, it is Pinkie, she's done weirder things."

"I refuse to believe that twitches can predict the future."

"How long is it gonna take for you to believe?"

"You haven't even seen it yet and you already believe in it!?"

"So how long will it take for you?"

"I will never believe!"

"So it's gonna take all day, huh?"

We'd been following Pinkie for about four hours, seeing prediction after prediction coming true. Pinkie was sitting on the ground, doing something weird with her tongue and a hoof, when Applejack walked up to her with a basket of apples perched on her back.

"Hey, Applejack," Pinkie greeted. "Whatcha doin'?"

"Takin' more apples to my new apple cellar," Applejack replied. "How 'bout you, Pinkie? Whatchu doin'?"

"Letting Twilight and Cloud secretly follow me all day without me knowing." Twilight walked up to her looking pissed.

"You mean you knew all along?!" Twilight exclaimed, "why didn't you tell me?" This day has been surprisingly boring considering all of the stuff that happened. Nothing exciting goes on around here. I assume that's excluding the fallen gods, dragons, myself from the future of an alternate timeline and multiple personalities? Shut up and let me complain!

"That's where Fluttershy's headed!" Cried Applejack. I probably should have paid more attention. "We better go and make sure she's okay." Pinkie and Applejack ran off.

"Calm down, everypony. All we know right now is that Pinkie Pie just got a case of the shivers. That's all." Twilight saw that the other two had gone, groaned and ran after them. I followed soon after.

"Where are we going?" I asked as I ran with her.

"Weren't you listening?"

"No." Twilight groaned again.

"Froggy Bottom Bog!"

"Look!" Yelled Applejack, "there's Froggy Bottom Bog!" She pointed towards a bog. I cast a short-range heat tracking spell and found a clump of readings about twenty meters to my right. I followed it and found Fluttershy with a basket of frogs.

"She's over here!" I called to the others, who hurried over to us.

"What a relief!"

"I'm so glad everything's alright!" Chimed Pinkie. I was about to deactivate the heat tracking spell when I suddenly picked up some strange readings. Why is there so much heat from almost directly below us? I soon realized what the heat was coming from when it brought its heads up and out of the muddy water.

"What does that even eat?" I said to myself, "there can't possibly be enough food around here to keep a giant hydra alive. Well, unless... Hey, Fluttershy, are hydras carnivores or omnivores?"

"Who cares!?" Yelled Applejack, "run!" I grabbed us all in a telekinetic hold and teleported us back the library. "Oh. Tha' was easy."

"This is interesting to me now. I'm gonna research hydras for a while, I'll see you girls later."

Author's Notes:

Did he just reverse-slam a door with his butt?

He really does!
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xwobaa#user_search=1

Sonic Rainboom Part 2

"Thank you so much for helping me clean up all these books guys," thanked Twilight. Pinkie, Rarity and I had just finished helping Twilight clean up the library. "It was a crazy week of studying."

"Why do you always make such a big mess when you study?" I asked, "it's really not that hard to read a book, y'know." Twilight huffed.

"I was testing spells! I had to-" The wall behind her cut her off by exploding, causing a book-avalanche. I looked up to see why the wall had exploded to see Rainbitch lying face down on the floor.

"Oh for buck's sake... Thanks a lot, Rainbitch! Now we've gotta start again!" Rainbitch stood up and shook herself off.

"Sorry about that, ladies," she said, completely ignoring me. "That was a truly feeble performance."

"Hello, everypony," Fluttershy greeted from the hole Rainbitch created, "it wasn't all bad, Rainbow Dash. I particularly liked it when you made the clouds spin."

"Ugh. I'm not talking about my performance, I'm talking about yours. That feeble cheering!" I stopped listening and started putting books away again. I need to make a spell to put all of these books back into their proper place. It'd take a while but if this is gonna keep happening it's something I need. Wh- OW! Rarity jabbed me in the side with her horn.

"Go on, go on!" She exclaimed.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, "you mean fixing the wall or what?"

"No! Find a spell that will get us wingless ponies into Cloudsdale! Didn't you see how nervous she was?"

"No. I wasn't listening."

"We've got to find a way to be there for her. Now go on!" She jabbed me again.

"Would you stop poking me with your horn? Anyway, I don't know any spells that induce Pegasus magic."

"A flight spell?" Asked Pinkie, "one sec." She disappeared for a moment before returning with a book in hoof. "Page twenty-seven." I took it and flipped to the page.

"Thanks, Pinkie." I quickly skimmed through the text. "It's a little complicated, but nothing I can't handle."

"Cloud?" Twilight asked, "do you mind if I cast it instead?"

"Sure, knock yourself out." I hoofed the book to her. She started reading.

"The spell will allow Earth ponies to fly for three days. Oh, it looks really difficult... I'm not sure I can do it."

"Do you wanna try anyway or do you want me to cast it?"

"I'll give it a go. Who's gonna volunteer to be the test subject?"

"Me. Cast away." Twilight began casting the spell. A strange blue ribbon of energy wrapped itself around me, getting tighter each second and lifting me into the air. There was a small explosion and everything dissipated. Twilight, who had fallen over at some point, stood up bearing an exhausted grin.

"I think it worked!" All three of them were looking past me at something on my back. I turned my head to see and-

"OH REALTA, KILL IT WITH FIRE!"

After every speck of insect was removed from me and I had calmed down, we went searching for a different spell. One that didn't include anything insectoid. Ugh...

It didn't take long to find a simpler spell. The new spell allowed a non-Pegasus Pony to walk on clouds for about twenty four hours. After some debate with Twilight, I decided to go with them to Cloudsdale to watch Rainbitch try to perform a sonic rainboom (which Pinkie had explained to me was a magical sonic boom). I'd summoned a big Support Circle and flew us all to Cloudsdale.

It took about three hours of traveling at my top speed (about two hundred and fifty meters per second) but we finally made it. After lowering us down onto the cloud surface and deactivated the Circle, I fell to the ground (Or would that be "I fell to the cloud"?) and let out an exhausted sigh.

"Cloud?" Asked Twilight. "Are you okay?"

"Next... Huh... Time... Huh... Get a... Huh... Bucking hot air balloon... Huh..." I slurred.

"Ah don't git why you're so tired," stated Applejack, "ye weren't doin' anythin' 'cept standin' there."

"It's mentally exhausting... It's like getting punched in the brain..."

"But why are ye so outa' breath?"

"I had to use up a lot of energy... Why'd you think I ate those two pies before we left?"

"You really like mah pahs?"

"I had to exert more energy to my brain so I could keep up the Support Circle's speed. That included increasing oxygen intake."

"Wha' do 'exert' and 'intake' mean?"

"Are you- Forget it, it doesn't matter." I stretched out before standing back up and turning to Twilight. "How long are we staying before we go back?"

"The plan was to leave tomorrow, will that be enough time for you to get rested enough?"

"Yeah, that'll be enough. Where's the first stop, then?"

"First we need to find Rainbow Dash."

"Okay. Pinkie, where's Rainbitch?"

"Over there!" Pinkie exclaimed in a sing-song voice as she pointed somewhere behind me. I turned to see where she pointed and saw Rainbitch a few hundred meters away, freaking out about something next to Fluttershy.

"Thanks, Pinkie. When does the competition start, Twilight?"

"A couple of hours, it should give us time to have a look around."

"Good. I'm gonna go get a room in a hotel or inn or whatever they have here and lie down for a while; I'll need to start some healing spells at the right moment to counteract any migraines coming my way. I'll meet you at the Cloudeseum."

"Don't you want to go and say hello to Rainbow first?"

"No, I hate her." I started walking towards some buildings in the distance.

After a little healing magic and a can of Manticore (unleash the monster!), I was well enough to have a look around the city. I bumped into Twilight and the others as they were heading to towards the weather factory. Rainbitch was going to give them a small tour and I decided to tag along since I was bored anyway. Thirty minutes later I was still bored.

Rainbitch led us into a room filled with Ponies looking at looked like snowflakes through magnifying glasses.

"This is where they make the snowflakes," whispered Rainbitch. "Each one is hoof-made. As you can see, it's a delicate operation."

"Why don't they just get Unicorns to do it?" I whispered questioningly, "it'd be so much faster and accurate." Rainbitch gave me a slightly pissed off look.

"Because it takes high ranking Pegasus weather experts to deposition the clouds into crystal."

"Or you you could just hire a single Unicorn semi-skilled in magic. It'd certainly help the economy."

"A stupid stick-head couldn't do nearly as well as a Pegasus!"

"Rainbow!" Whisper-shouted Twilight, "language!"

"Sorry, Twi."

"But you've got a point."

"I fail to see the point," I whisper-stated.

"It would take a high level Unicorn to induce deposition onto a cloud."

"Sure, but you wouldn't need a spell that complicated."

"What do you mean?"

"Transmutation is a lot easier. Look-" I pulled a tuft of cloud out of the ground and transmutated it into a hoofful of snowflakes. "See? Easy."

"Cloud, that's still a really high level spell."

"Seriously?"

"Yes."

"Well, it's still easier than a deposition spell. Just get a few good Unicorns and you're set."

"I don't think you understand how difficult that spell is. I was taught by Princess Celestia herself and even I have problems with it. Even twenty skilled Unicorns wouldn't be nearly enough to match the Pegasi."

"What? Really?" Twilight nodded. "Well shit. I'm much stronger than I thought I was. Anyway-" I turned the snowflakes I was holding back into a cloud chunk and shoved it back into the ground. "Continue with the tour." Rainbitch huffed before leading us outside. Huge bowls with liquid rainbows flowing through them were suspended in the air. The rainbows all ended up in large vats of liquid-rainbow-stuff.

"This is where the make the rainbows," explained Rainbitch. Pinkie walked up to the vat and stuck a hoof in, coating it in the strange multicoloured liquid. She took a lick and her face whizzed through different colour emotions before leaving her breathing heavily.

"Ah! Spicy!" Pinkie gasped out before running to get water.

"Well that happened," I said to myself. I turned to Rainbitch. "I thought rainbows were made of light, why do these vats have physical property?" And why is there so much science and magic talk today?

"It'd be hard to store them if we left them as light so we make them in physical form first," explained Rainbitch.

"How are rainbows made, anyway?"

"It's a secret."

"What, do you grind up children in a big machine?" Rainbitch looked shocked.

"What?! No! That's horrible!" I laughed at how shocked she was.

"I was only joking! You shouldn't take everything so seriously!"

"Screw you!"

"Jeez, calm down!"

"This is why I hate you, you're always such a dick!"

"I've been everything but dickish today!"

"Oh, sure, that's why you were implying that Unicorns are better than Pegasi back there, right?"

"I wasn't implying that, they were legitimate questions! I just didn't know how strong I was!"

"Guys," Twilight interjected, "you shouldn't fight-"

"Shut up, Twilight," Rainbitch and I said in usion.

"Why are you always such a plot hole?!" Shouted Rainbitch, "what have I ever done to you?!"

"You mean other than letting me fall to my almost certain death twice, attacking me in the street for helping Fluttershy with a bully, breaking my collar bone, causing me to waste so many bits on hospital bills and repair costs and ruining my entire day on twelve different occasions?"

"When did I ever let you fall to your 'almost certain death'?!"

"Really?! You just suddenly forgot?!" I cast a thought-projection spell next to me, accurately showing (from a third-Pony perspective) me falling off of the cliff in the Everfree Forrest and casting the makeshift Force Barrier. "Oh look, Cloud's falling to his death," I said in a mocking voice, "maybe I should help... Nah, I'm sure he'll be fine. It's probably his dream to be a bloodstain on the ground!"

"You cast the spell before I could get to you so I went to Twilight instead!"

"Oh sure, that's totally what happened!"

"When was the second time then!?" I deactivated the thought-projection spell.

"After I beat Nightmare and I fell, remember? When I shattered my skull and went blind?" I'm so glad medical magic is what it is. I would have been dead for certain without it.

"I-"

"Just decided not to catch me?"

"No! I just wasn't expecting you to fall and I didn't have time to-"

"Don't you bucking dare use that excuse! You declared earlier that day that you were fast enough to clear the sky in ten seconds flat! Catching a Pony a few meters away would have been nothing compared to that!"

"You've been worse to me than I have to you!"

"Oh really?! Let's do a quick recap of the things I've done! I saved all of Magi from a raging goddess, I stopped a dick from bullying Fluttershy, I weakened a dragon until it could be negotiated with, I ripped a hole in the universe to protect everypony from myself, I saved Twilight, Applejack, Pinkie and Fluttershy from a hydra, I let Twilight experiment on me to try and find a spell to get her and the others here to support you and when we found the right spell I flew all of us here by risking my mental health! Oh yeah, I so deserved it!"

"Wait, you-"

"Buck you! This is why I call you Rainbitch, no matter what I do you're always an annoying bitch!" I teleported back to the hotel before I could have another mental breakdown.

Author's Notes:

Every time I write AJ speaking I add more and more accent.
The thought-projection spell is based off of the presentation thing Trixie casts in 'Magic Duel'.
This chapter was a lot longer than planned.

Sonic Rainboom Part 3 (Twilight's POV)

"This is where the make the rainbows," explained Rainbow Dash. We were in Cloudsdale to see Rainbow Dash compete in the Best Young Fliers competition. She was letting us have a tour of the weather factory; we just left the snowflake production line and entered the final rainbow room. Rainbows poured down from above into huge vats.

Pinkie walked up to the biggest vat and stuck a hoof in, coating it in the strange multicoloured liquid. She took a lick and her face whizzed through different colour emotions before leaving her breathing heavily.

"Ah! Spicy!" Pinkie gasped out before running to get water.

"Well that happened," Cloud muttered before turning to Rainbow Dash. "I thought rainbows were made of light, why do these vats have physical property?" That's a good question, why is that?

"It'd be hard to store them if we left them as light so we make them in physical form first," explained Rainbow Dash.

"How are rainbows made, anyway?"

"It's a secret."

"What, do you grind up children in a big machine?" Rainbow Dash looked shocked.

"What?! No! That's horrible!" Cloud laughed, probably at how shocked she was.

"I was only joking! You shouldn't take everything so seriously!"

"Screw you!"

"Jeez, calm down!"

"This is why I hate you, you're always such a dick!"

"I've been everything but dickish today!"

"Oh, sure, that's why you were implying that unicorns are better than pegasi back there, right?"

"I wasn't implying that, they were legitimate questions! I just didn't know how strong I was!"

"Guys," I interjected, "you shouldn't fight-"

"Shut up, Twilight," Rainbow and Cloud said in usion.

"Why are you always such a plot hole?!" Shouted Rainbow, attracting the views of nearby workers. "What have I ever done to you?!"

"You mean other than letting me fall to my almost certain death twice, attacking me in the street for helping Fluttershy with a bully, breaking my collar bone, causing me to waste so many bits on hospital bills and repair costs and ruining my entire day on twelve different occasions?"

"When did I ever let you fall to your 'almost certain death'?!"

"Really?! You just suddenly forgot?!" Cloud cast some sort of thought-projection spell next to himself, showing (from a third-pony perspective) him falling off of the cliff in the Everfree Forrest and casting a spell to protect himself. What did he call it? Force Barrier? "Oh look, Cloud's falling to his death," Cloud said in a mocking voice, "maybe I should help... Nah, I'm sure he'll be fine. It's probably his dream to be a bloodstain on the ground!"

"You cast the spell before I could get to you so I went to Twilight instead!"

"Oh sure, that's totally what happened!"

"When was the second time then!?" Cloud deactivated the thought-projection spell.

"After I beat Nightmare and I fell, remember? When I shattered my skull and went blind?" He went blind from that?!

"I-"

"Just decided not to catch me?"

"No! I just wasn't expecting you to fall and I didn't have time to-"

"Don't you bucking dare use that excuse! You declared earlier that day that you were fast enough to clear the sky in ten seconds flat! Catching a pony a few meters away would have been nothing compared to that!"

"You've been worse to me than I have to you!"

"Oh really?! Let's do a quick recap of the things I've done! I saved all of Magi from a raging goddess, I stopped a dick from bullying Fluttershy, I weakened a dragon until it could be negotiated with, I ripped a hole in the universe to protect everypony from myself, I saved Twilight, Applejack, Pinkie and Fluttershy from a hydra, I let Twilight experiment on me to try and find a spell to get her and the others here to support you and when we found the right spell I flew all of us here by risking my mental health! Oh yeah, I so deserved it!" Rainbow Dash looked surprised.

"Wait, you-"

"Buck you! This is why I call you Rainbitch, no matter what I do you're always an annoying bitch!" Cloud teleported away, leaving the room awkwardly silent.

"I think we should move on now..." I muttered to Rainbow Dash, who surprisingly didn't look angry anymore. In fact, she looked... Sad? What? She sighed.

"Okay, girls," called Rainbow Dash, "we should move onto the next room." Rainbow Dash led us out of the rainbow room.

"...And that's it," explained Rainbow Dash as we exited the weather factory. We had just finished the tour. "What did you think?"

"Tha wus grea', Rainbow," replied Applejack.

"I really liked it, too," Fluttershy quietly added.

"My tongue still burns," Pinkie stated.

"Thank you so much for the tour, darling," thanked Rarity. "We should probably go and find Cloud and see if he can help Pinkie with his healing magic."

"You girls go," I said, "I need to talk to Rainbow Dash about something."

"Alrigh'y then," Applejack replied, "we'll see ya la'er, Twi." Applejack, Pinkie, Fluttershy and Rarity went off to look for Cloud.

"What did you need to talk to me about, Twi?" Asked Rainbow Dash. I need to get Cloud and Rainbow to stop hating each other.

"I need to talk to you about Cloud." Rainbow sighed sadly. "Why do you hate each other so much?"

"You already heard him yelling the reasons earlier."

"I heard his reasons, but you never said anything."

"I just- It doesn't matter."

"It does matter!"

"Just let it go, Twi. We'll never like each other."

"You two have hated each other for too long and I'm going to put an end to it! Tell me why you hate Cloud!"

"You're really not gonna let this go, are you?" I shook my head and Rainbow let out another sad sigh. "Fine. I... I don't hate him. I just pretend to."

"What? Why?"

"It's less painful than facing the guilt... I honestly did try to catch him the first time! I just went to catch Pinkie first and by the time I went to get him he'd already cast the spell... I didn't wanna talk to him about it since we'd been at each other's throats earlier about whether magic was faster than I was and it would have been so awkward..."

"What happened the second time?"

"Nightmare Moon had always scared me, and I'd just seen her up close locked in a death battle with Cloud. And Cloud won! When he fell, I was in shock; he'd just saved the world from my worst nightmare! By the time I realized he was falling it was too late. I was too slow. Again... I just didn't know how to talk to him after that and before I had worked up the courage to apologize Applejack launched me into him and I broke his collar bone. Then he started to really hate me."

"Why do you pretend to hate him?"

"I though it would just be best if I pretended to hate him back, and for a while it helped. But then I invited Gilda to Ponyville. She lied to me about what happened between her and Cloud, but I chose to believe her story instead. I went to Cloud and... I attacked him. I thought he had mugged Gilda in an alleyway! I had no idea what she had done to Fluttershy! I suppose 'tried' would be a better word." Rainbow laughed bitterly. "You saw what happened at the party..."

This is your idea of a good time? I've never met a lamer bunch of dweebs in all my life! And Pinkie Pie, you! You are queen lame-o with your weak little party pranks! Did you really think you could make me lose my cool? Well, Dash and I have ten times as much cool as the rest of you put together. Come on Dash, we're bailing on this pathetic scene. Come on Rainbow Dash. I said, we're leaving.

You know, Gilda, I was the one who set up all those 'weak pranks' at this party.

W-What?!

So I guess I'm queen lame-o!

Come on, Dash, you're joshing me!

...What did you do to Fluttershy today?

I-I didn't do anything!

Cloud wouldn't attack anypony for no reason, so what did you do to Fluttershy?!

I didn't do anything! I told you already; that stick-head just attacked me for no reason!

Tell me what you did!

"...I knew that I had to talk to him as soon as I could to apologize, but the closer I got to the library the more courage escaped me. I didn't know what I would say or how I would even talk to him after all the things that happened but... I eventually reached the library with enough courage to knock on the door. I waited for ages, I tried knocking again and I even tried entering from the wreckage of the balcony, but he wasn't inside. After that I lost the little courage I had left and just went home." Rainbow was sitting now, staring sadly to the ground.

"Why haven't you ever talked with me or the others about this? We would have tried to help you."

"I know, but... How do you even start a conversation like that? Anyway, I gave up trying to build up the courage to apologize and went back to pretending to hate him. And then I find out that he was the reason that any of you could be here to support me even though he hates me and... I can't do this anymore, Twilight. Just..." Rainbow teared up slightly as regained eye contact. "Please. Help me apologize to Cloud. I can't deal with all this guilt anymore..."

"Rainbow Dash, I would be more than happy to help you." I pulled her into a hug. "Let's go and find Cloud."

Author's Notes:

I've made myself sad writing this...
Past 50k words!

Sonic Rainboom Part 4

I was practicing transmutation back in my hotel room. I'd pretty much calmed down since the weather factory but I was still a bit pissed. Hopefully I won't see that bitch for a whi- There was a knock at the door. Does jinxing myself really have to happen that fast? I stopped what I was doing and answered the door. Unsurprisingly, it was Rainbitch and Twilight. Rainbitch looked worried about something but Twilight looked determined.

"Cloud, we need to talk to you," Twilight strongly stated.

"Fine," I replied, "let's just get this over with." The two entered and sat on the floor next to the bed. "Well?"

"Rainbow Dash has some things that she needs to say to you. Don't interrupt her or say anything until she's finished."

"Sure, whatever." Rainbitch stood up.

"Cloud," she started, "I'm sorry for everything I've done to you. I tried to catch you but you honestly did cast the spell before I could. I thought it would be awkward to talk about since we were arguing earlier that day so I just didn't say anything. The second time, well..." She gulped. "N-Nightmare Moon has always been one of my worst nightmares, and I was seeing her up close in real life.

"Not only that, but you were fighting her. And winning! I was so shocked when you beat her that I couldn't react fast enough to catch you and when I finally got the chance to try I was too slow. I couldn't face you to apologize afterwards so I pretended that it never happened. I pretended to hate you, which was wrong and I'm sorry.

"When I attacked you for attacking Gilda I didn't know what she'd done and I thought you were attacking her for no reason. I was trying to defend her as a friend but later that day Pinkie threw a party for her and she showed her true colours. Then I had even more reason to apologize to you. I went to the library afterwards to finally say sorry for everything, but you weren't inside. Then I..." Rainbitch broke eye contact and stared at the floor. "I chickened out. I kept giving you trouble for the stupidest of reasons, and you never deserved that.

"You saved the whole world, you stopped a bitch from bullying Fluttershy, you beat yourself in a fight to protect us, you helped Applejack's sister with life lessons, you saved Applejack, Twilight, Pinkie, Spike and Fluttershy from a hydra and you worked really hard to get the others here to support me. And through all of that, I still act like a bitch. Your nickname for me is pretty fitting for how I've treated you.

"There's no way anypony could ever repay you for what you've done, but I just want you to know that I'm really, really sorry." She started crying gently. "I'll understand if you never forgive me..." The room went silent. Well, that happened. Should I forgive her? Should I finally end this feud? I sighed. Yes. It's time for this to end. I hugged Rainbow Dash.

"I've been a dick to you about as much as you've been a bitch to me, so we can call it even now. I forgive you." Rainbow hiccuped.

"Seriously?!"

"Seriously." Rainbow returned the hug. A few seconds passed and the hug became slightly awkward. We broke out of the hug. "So... When does the competition start?" Twilight suddenly looked panicked.

"Oh no!" Twilight exclaimed, "it's starting in ten minutes! We won't have time to-" I quickly teleported us to outside the Cloudeseum. "Oh."

"Thanks, Cloud," said Rainbow, "I'll see you two later!" In a second she was gone, leaving me and Twilight to find our seats.

It was finally time for Rainbow's performance. Loud rock music blasted out of speakers as she burst into the Cloudeseum. After one quick lap around the perimeter, she began to slalom between cloud pillars. Finishing that, she flew upward towards some clouds and few around them fast enough to make them spin. The crowd liked it so far.

Finally, she flew up into the sky before rocketing back down, creating a cone of resistance. The cone became thinner and thinner until what was blatantly a sonic rainboom exploded out of her butt. Rainbow led a trail of rainbows across the top of the stadium, making the audience go wild.

All in all, not a bad day.

Author's Notes:

I know this one is shit and everyone seems a bit OOC but there was no way for me to write a decent version of this.

I hate writer's block.

A Dog And Pony Show Part 2

Rarity had been captured by Diamond Dogs. I had come to save her.

"Release her now or else," I explained calmly.

"Never!" Exclaimed one of the Dogs, "you ponies will be our-" I hit the dogs with a cloud of sleeping gas and teleported Rarity and myself back to Ponyville.

Author's Notes:

Speed chapters, go!

Over A Barrel Part 2

We were on our way to see Applejack's relatives but the train we were on was being attacked by Buffalo. I knocked them out with sleeping gas and grabbed the one that seemed to be leading them for questioning.

"Thank you for helping us deal with this so simply, Chief Thunderhooves," I thanked the buffalo leader. I'd saved the orchard and even gotten a stetson from Braeburn as thanks.

A Bird In The Hoof Part 2

I'm glad you're finally here, I've got a great idea for a prank! How good are you at shapeshifting? I haven't even thought about it yet, why? Damn, never mind then.

"Would you like a slice of cake, Cloud?" Asked Celestia.

Owl's Well That Ends Well

"This meteor sower tonight's going to amazing!" Exclaimed Twilight. We were going to see a meteor shower with the others. Spike ran around and grabbed various objects to take with us, throwing them onto a Support Circle I'd summoned.

"Awesome!" Agreed Spike.

"So we're gonna meet the others there, right?" I asked.

"Yeah."

"Are they gonna bring stuff as well?"

"Rarity and Applejack will probably bring stuff."

"Then why are we bringing so much?"

"There's going to be a lot of us there. You and Rainbow Dash will probably get through the cider in ten seconds flat anyway."

"Yeah, fair enough."

"You know," started Twilight as she trotted downstairs, "this shower only happens every one hundred years." Why do random space-rocks have a schedule? Hmm...

Dammit! This happens every time! Stop throwing the Emperors trash towards low level planets!

I can do what I want! Anything living there is probably too primitive to know what it even is!

Why do you do this every day?! Do you get some sick kind of humor from this?!

It's a type Wc3 planet anyway! The trash will be years apart from each other!

I'm reporting you to the boss for this!

How are you gonna talk to him when your mouth is full of his dick?!

Fuck you, Steve!

Up yours, Larry!

I guess I'll never know...

"Spike, did you grab my quill and ink?" Asked Twilight. Spike grabbed them.

"Check!" He answered.

"My scrolls?" He threw them onto the Circle.

"Check! I've also packed a telescope, apples, bananas, fruit punch, and my freshly baked homemade triple-decker nut-crazy vanilla cream cookies!"

"Hibaddy babiddy what?" I asked. Spike rolled his eyes.

"Freshly baked,"

"Okay."

"Homemade,"

"Yep."

"Triple-decker,"

"Sure."

"Nut-crazy,"

"Uh-huh."

"Vanilla cream cookies."

"Oh. Okay."

"Once again you've read my mind, Spike," stated Twilight, "and that's why you are my number one assistant!" We headed towards the front door. I willed the Support Circle to follow me and, as usual, it did. Arcane Circles are so useful. I was lost in thought for a few seconds, and didn't hear what Twilight and Spike were talking about until I bumped into Spike, who had evidently stopped. "Wait! I almost forgot! I wanna bring the Astronomical Astronomer's Almanac To All Things Astronomy!"

"The Astronomo-lomo homono what?" Asked Spike. So many questions are being asked tonight.

"The Astronomical," I started.

"Mm-hmm."

"Astronomer's,"

"Yeah."

"Almanac,"

"Yep."

"To All Things Astronomy."

"You know that really old big blue book on stars, moons, planets, the universe...?" Asked Twilight.

"Right. Check!" Spike answered, running into the first floors back room. I followed with the Circle, arriving just in time to see Spike incinerate the pages with a fiery sneeze. "Oh crap!"

"No worries, I've got it," I said simply, casting a quick repair spell. The book remained charred. "Oh. I guess basic repair spells don't work with incineration."

"What do I do? Twilight'll freak if she finds out I did this!" There's no denying that.

"Hey!" Twilight called from the other room, "what's taking my number one assistant so long?" Gotta think of something quick!

"Disagree with me and play along," I quickly muttered to Spike. "Hey, Spike!" I said loud enough for Twilight to hear, "wanna see what happens if I ignite methane?" I motioned to Spike to play along.

"Uh- No, Cloud!" He replied, also loud enough for Twilight, "wait!" I quickly forced out a fart and threw a small fireball at the remains of the book.

"Oh shit! The book!" Twilight came rushing into the room.

"Cloud, what-" she stopped mid-sentence when she saw what was left of the book. "Cloud! What have you done?!"

"It's fine! I'll just use a repair spell!" I used another repair spell. "Oh no! I don't think this level of the repair spell works on stuff that's burnt!"

"Argh! Do you know how much that book cost?!"

"I'm sorry! I'll pay for a new one!" Twilight exhaled sharply.

"Fine. Just hurry up or we'll miss the meteors." She stormed off to the front door.

"Thanks, Cloud," thanked Spike. We brohoofed and followed Twilight.

We were walking up a hill. There were a lot of other ponies here to watch the space rocks.

"The one night that I needed the book the most just has to be the night that you decide to be childish with magic," scolded Twilight. "That book would have helped me identify different planets and stars tonight."

"Don't you already know them all off by heart anyway?" I reasoned. Twilight sighed.

"Yes, but that's not the point. Somepony else might have wanted to read it."

"...Or they could just ask you about it and get even more details than they would from the book."

"You have an answer for everything, don't you?"

"No I don't; I don't have an answer to why I'm so handsome."

"Is that why you haven't had a single marefriend?"

"What was that?"

"I said because you got lucky with your parents genes."

"I wonder if my parents are even alive? If they are, why haven't they spread news about me being missing?"

"I don't know. Maybe you planned to go away but something happened to you and you lost your memory."

"But it's been months and on day one I was stronger than God-Horse The Second. Surely there would be news about a unicorn as talented as I am going missing?"

"Princess Celestia's looking into it personally and the gala's in a couple of weeks. You'll find out soon."

"It feels like a millennium since she said she'd look into it."

"You've been through a lot. Twice."

"At least finding the stetson was easy. Now I just need to find out about the medical magic and time travel."

"Where is the stetson anyway?"

"I'm keeping it somewhere safe. I need it in good condition for when I kick my own flank."

"Yeah..." Twilight looked distant for a few seconds.

"Are you o-?"

"Oh look! There are the others!" Sure enough, they were just ahead of us. Twilight ran up to them. What was all that about? I dropped the Circle so Spike could get to work setting things up. I went to get the alcohol talk to the others.

"Hey, girls," I greeted the group of mares. They gave an assortment of greetings in return. I cracked open a bottle of cider and took a good gulp of the golden nectar. Why haven't I thought about parents until now? Why haven't I thought about genes until now? Would they have heard about me saving the world? I wonder if I could figure out my age with medical magic?

"Hey, everypony!" Exclaimed a nearby marshmallow, "the show is starting!" Everypony rushed past her to watch the sky. I took another swig before joining them.

Hangovers! Why do you exist?! It was the next morning and I was wobbling towards the kitchen.

"I need toast..." I slurred to myself. An owl grabbed a couple of slices of toast that were already in the toaster and dropped the on a plate in front of me. "Thanks, bird." I sat there and munched on my toast for a while as I waited for the headache to disperse. As soon as I finished the toast, the owl grabbed my plate and dropped it in the sink. "Thanks. I'm not even gonna question why you're here."

"Who?" Asked the owl.

"You. I'm not questioning why you're here."

"Who."

"Oh, you mean me? Cloud Calculation. Savior of the world."

"Hoo!"

"I know, right?"

"Whew."

"You're right, talking is tiring. Well, I need to go and earn some cash to pay for the book. See you later, bird." I went out into town to try and find some jobs to do.

An hour of zooming through the apple orchard on a Support Circle and teleporting apples to the barn later, I went to claim my payment.

"There you go, Big Mac," I said to the stallion, "every apple picked and back. Have you got the payment ready?"

"Eeyup," he replied, hoofing over a sack of bits. I took it and teleported it back to my room.

"Good. I'll be going then." I trotted back to the library. When I arrived, the girls were swooning over the bird that made me breakfast. "Hey, everypony!" I called to them.

"Hey, Cloud!" Rainbow called back. "Have you met Owlowiscious?"

"Yeah, he made me breakfast. How do you spell Owlowiscious?"

"Uh..."

"I'll just nickname him 'Toasty' then."

"Why...?"

"Because he made me toast."

"Oh. Okay then."

"I'll see you later, then," I resumed trotting.

"Where are you going?"

"I have money to count." I headed inside to see Spike talking to himself while walking down the stairs.

"They're trying to replace me..." He murmured.

"Stair murmuring is a really bad idea, you know." Spike looked up, surprised.

"Huh? Oh, hey, Cloud." He went back to murmuring. "I'd better step it up and make sure that Twilight and Owlowiscious know that I'm still number one!" Looks like Stockholm Syndrome has caught up to him. Twilight wandered in with Toasty perched on her back and headed to the book pedestal thing.

"Hey, Spike," called Twilight, "can you fetch me that book called Two-headed Myth-"

"Mythological Mysteries! I know where it is." He ran to a bookshelf, climbed a ladder leaning against it and scrambled up some books piled on top of that. We need a better ladder. Toasty beat him to it and took the book to Twilight.

"Thanks, Owlowiscious! Hey, Spike, no worries, Owlowiscious flew up and got the book for me. Oh, and gee! I guess I need Ferrets of Fairyland too." Toasty pulled a book out of the stack Spike was standing on top of and took it to Twilight. Spike's tower started to wobble and after a few seconds he was falling to the ground. I grabbed Spike with telekinesis and planted him safely next to me.

I heard a snapping sound form Twilight's direction. "Shit!" Her quill had broken. I cast a quick repair spell and fixed it immediately. "Thanks, Cloud."

"No problem," I replied before heading upstairs to count my cash.

It was finally time. I was finally ready. Ready for what, you ask? Nopony else is here, jackass. It was time for a new Arcane Circle! Oh wow, dramatic thinking. So impressive. The idea was simple; Force Barrier couldn't stop any magical attacks, and it took quite a bit of effort so I couldn't easily attack while using it. Therefore, I needed something easy to put up without using regular methods. And that is what the brand new Shield Circle is for! I just needed somepony to throw something at me so I could test it.

I headed downstairs. Spike was wearing a top hat, cloak and fake mustache while throwing feathers around a fake mouse covered in ketchup. He started laughing manically but suddenly stopped when he bumped into Twilight. She looked pissed. Well, he tried.

"I need to interrupt the social quarrel!" I called excitedly down to them. "Twilight, throw something at me really, really hard!" Without answering, she picked up a book with telekinesis and fired it at me like a cannon. I furrowed my brow in concentration and willed the new Circle into existence. Just before the book hit me the Shield Circle erupted into existence, stopping it dead. I released my concentration and the Circle faded away. "Buck yeah! Okay, now try a magic bolt!"

Again without speaking, Twilight fired a magic bolt at me. I concentrated again and another Shield Circle erupted into existence in front of me, faster this time. The bolt smacked against the Circle and quickly dissipated. "BUCK YEAH!" I ran back upstairs to document the results.

Twilight burst into my room.

"Cloud!" She called frantically, "Spike has ran away!" Took him long enough.

"Alright, let's go find him," I replied.

"He left some tracks in ketchup so-"

"Let's go then!" We followed the tracks to a cave. Looking inside, we found Spike receiving a death stare from a fully grown dragon with an incredibly spiky tail. The dragon let out an ear splitting roar, sending Spike flying across the cave. There were mountains of gems all over the place.

"Quick, use your sleeping gas!"

"It's too big. It wouldn't do anything. Okay, here's the plan; I'll distract the dragon while you grab Spike and get out of here. Send a letter to Celestia telling her that she owes me. Again."

"What?! No! That's far too dangerous!"

"Just do it!" I ran into the cave just as Spike was cornered. What're his strong points? Tail, teeth, claws and fire breath seem to be the only ways it can attack. Dragon scales are gonna be really tough to punch through, so aim for eyes and the open mouth. "Hey, snot ball!" I yelled at the dragon, "let him go now before I act like an anti-gravity dildo!" The dragon roared and scrambled towards me. I grinned. "Prepare to be fucked up!"

I summoned a Support Circle and flew towards the dragon. The dragon came at me with a slice of his claws, followed up by a swing of his tail. I dodged out of the way of the claws and quickly summoned a Shield Circle to stop the tail. I was close enough for him to try to bite and sure enough his head lunged at me. I fired a beam of concentrated electricity into his open mouth, tearing open a hole at the back. The dragon roared in agony, flailing about and smashing gems left and right.

I used some healing magic to fix the dragon's throat (I didn't want to kill him, after all), then fired many huge magic bolts at the gems, smashing even more. The dragon began to shrink, and as I smashed more and more gems he was soon small enough to finish off. I smothered his head in sleeping gas, sending him into a deep sleep. That was the most fun I've had in a while! And also a great chance to do the final tests on the Shield Circle. It works perfectly! So... What now? I don't know, early breakfast? May as well.

I teleported back to the library to get some toast.

Author's Notes:

Best chapter in a while?

---

This has taken a lot longer to get to season 2 than I originally planned.

Party Of One Part 2

I was in the library reading a Dr Whooves book (Beautiful Discord), when there was a knock at the door. I didn't bother getting up.

"Cloud!" Called Twilight from upstairs, "can you answer that?!"

"Get Spike to do it!" I called back.

"He's on a trip to Canterlot, remember!"

"Then why don't you get it?!"

"You're closer to the door!"

"They probably want a book!"

"So?!"

"You're the librarian!"

"But why does that mean you can't answer it?!"

"Your book system is broken and wrong!"

"Just answer the door!"

"No!"

"If they want a book then I'll get it for them, but until then answer the door!"

"Ugh! Fine!" I teleported a bookmark into my book and went to the door, pulling it open to reveal Pinkie Pie wearing a party hat and clown nose. "Hey, Pinkie."

"This is your singing telegram~," sang Pinkie, "I hope it finds you well~, You're invited to a party 'Cause we think-"

"Will there be alcohol?"

"No, silly! It's Gummy's first birthday, and none of us are old enough anyway!"

"That doesn't stop Rainbow and Applejack, and I think I'm about twenty seven."

"But the rest of us will have to miss out!" Pinkie looked sad. "We won't be able to have fun with you..." I sighed and facehoofed.

"Fine." Pinkie went back to her usual demeanor. "But only if I get to choose the music!"

"Why?"

"Because I hate the stuff you normally put on."

"Okey dokey lokey! Just be sure to choose something everypony will like!"

"Of course I will." They'll probably like power metal.

"All right! See you two at the party!" She bounced away. I went back to my book.

The party was over and Twilight and I were heading back to the library. The girls hadn't been sure about my choice of music at first, but eventually most of them got into it (the exception being Fluttershy).

"You sure you don't wanna stay?" Pinkie asked from her window. "There's still some cake left!"

"No thanks, Pinkie," I replied, "I wanna finish my book. See you later." I teleported back to the library and got back to reading. Some time later, Twilight arrived with Applejack, Rainbow, Fluttershy and Rarity.

"Cloud," started Twilight, "we need to speak to you about something."

"Okay," I answered slowly, replacing the bookmark in my book, "what about?"

"It's Pinkie's birthday tomorrow and we're planning a surprise party."

"Oh, okay. What do you need me to do?" Twilight pulled a large scroll from somewhere and unfurled it on the floor, revealing a map of Ponyville.

"I've ordered a cake from Sugarcube Corner that I will pit up at ten tomorrow. I'm gonna take the cake to Rendezvous Point A, Carousel Boutique." She pointed to a part of the map marked 'RP I'. "From there, I'll pass the package onto Rarity and take some supplies to the farm, where the party is being held. Rarity will deliver the package to Rendezvous Point B and pass it onto-"

"Why don't I just teleport the cake from Sugarcube Corner?" For a moment, Twilight looked surprised that I'd cut her off.

"It'll look too suspicious if you teleport from Sugarcube Corner with a package, Pinkie will suspect that you're up to something and-"

"You think she'll get suspicious that I'd do something that I do hundreds of times a day?"

"Maybe not, but it is Pinkie Pie. She'll at least ask about it."

"She wont be able to track me down."

"She could use her Pinkie-Sense to-"

"That only predicts the future, not present."

"Either way, she could still find you with it."

"No, either way, it acts as an alert system, not a tracking system."

"Well how do you know so much about its workings?"

"We spent a whole day studying her. It wasn't hard to figure out."

"Okay, fine; she can't use her Pinkie-Sense to track you down. But that doesn't mean she can't find and question you."

"If we go with your plan then there's a higher chance of her finding and questioning any of you."

"I still think my plan is better!"

"How is quintupling the odds better?" Twilight groaned.

"Fine! Yours is safer and quicker! But what will you do if she gets to you?"

"I'll tell her I was craving alcohol and hungry at the same time so I ordered an alcoholic cake."

"Won't she want to try some to see if you're being truthful?"

"Nope, Pinkie hates alcohol." Twilight sighed.

"Alright, your plan is better. We'll do it that way instead."

The plan was a success and Pinkie was delighted. I even snuck in some cider!

The Best Night Ever

"Ah!" Yelled Pinkie as she bounced on a trampoline, "I! Can't! Believe! The! Grand! Galloping! Gala! Is! Tonight!" All eight of us were outside Carousel Boutique, preparing for the big night in our own ways. Twilight was helping me prepare some transport (I really didn't want to fly everypony to Canterlot, Cloudsdale was bad enough) by telekinetically levitating some rocks into a pile in front of me while I carved some runes into a stone tablet.

Rarity had been getting my suit and the dresses ready for us, but it seemed she was finished since she'd come outside to scold Pinkie for getting sweaty. The others were talking amongst themselves.

"So, Twilight," I started as I finished another rune, "why is everypony else so excited?" Twilight looked up from her rock-levitating.

"Don't you remember? We were all talking about about a week after the Summer Sun Celebration."

"I was busy dying in a hospital. Care to remind me?"

"Oh, yes, you weren't there." She shifted another rock before continuing. "Well, I want to spend some personal time with Princess Celestia, Applejack wants to sell her products to try and spread business, Fluttershy wants to see the exotic animals, Rainbow Dash wants to meet the Wonderbolts, Rarity wants to meet a prince, Pinkie Pie wants to be a part of a high-class party and Spike... Uh... I don't actually know why Spike wants to go." She thought to herself for a moment before going back to moving rocks.

"Why'd you wanna go, Cloud?" Asked Rainbow as she flew over to us.

"To find out who I am," I answered simply. "I still have no clue what any of my past is, but Celestia said she'd try to find out about my past and the Arcane Circles."

"You don't think you just have a normal life?"

"Well, on day one I beat God-Horse II, so I doubt I was an ordinary citizen."

"Oh, right... I keep forgetting about that. So... Who do you think you are?"

"I have no idea. I can easily control ancient magic and I'm stupidly powerful, so there would be some sort of commotion if somepony like me went missing."

"That's a good point. You don't even know how old you are."

"Actually, I sent a letter to Celestia about that."

"What did she say?"

"She asked for some DNA, and a day later I received a letter from her saying that her most trusted doctor had done tests and found out that I'm roughly twenty five."

"Twenty five, huh?"

"Yep. I would've thought twenty seven, but hey, I was close."

"I thought you seemed about twenty three."

"I guess we were both close then." I chuckled.

"Yeah. What are you doing?"

"Preparing transport. And..." I made the last marking on the final rune. "Done! Stand back." I motioned for Twilight to stop moving rocks and summoned a Support Circle, willing it to boost my power. I readied my stance, focused my concentration onto the pile and blasted it with pulses of magic, transmuting it into something similar to a small train car. I refocused onto the tablet, filled it with magic, levitated it onto the roof of the train car and welded it on with magic. A few rocks remained spare, so I quickly transmuted them into a small chair and magic welded it to the roof next to the tablet. Finally, I cast a colour-change spell on the car, making it appear gold plated.

I dismissed the Support Circle and began panting. I grinned at my success as the girls and Spike stared slack-jawed at my creation.

"What is that?" Asked Spike.

"I call it the KGBNRB," I replied.

"The what?"

"The Kinda-Gold-But-Not-Really Bus!" I teleported the both of us to the roof of it. "You sit here," I motioned to the seat on top, "and control its movements with the tablet. Try it!" Spike sat in the chair.

"What do I do?"

"Place your claw against the top rune." When he did, the KGBNRB burst to life, zooming forward. I pressed a hoof against the center rune and stopped it dead.

"The runes move it?! How?!"

"The runes activate different spells." Spike waited for a few seconds, expecting me to continue.

"And...?"

"That's it. It's pretty simple, just tiring. You should probably practice driving while the girls and I get ready." I patted him on the back and teleported back down. I turned to the girls (who were still slack jawed). "Shall we get dressed, then?"

Once again, I was back in my awesome suit. It was already starting to get dark outside, so I went to see how well Spike could control the KGBNRB. He already had really great control over moving it however he wanted. The girls soon joined us and, after getting comfortable, we made our way towards Canterlot.

We had finally arrived. It was finally time to find out who I was. We all climbed out of the KGBNRB and Spike jumped off of its roof.

"Whoa!" He exclaimed, "you all look amazing!" Suddenly, music started playing from somewhere.

"I can't believe we're finally here," started Twilight. "With all that we've imagined, the reality of this night is sure to make this... The best night ever!" She started to sing to the random music. "At the Gala..."

"At the Gala!" Sang random ponies around us.

"At the Gala," sang Fluttershy, "in the gardens, I'm going to see them all, all the creatures, I'll befriend them at the Gala!"

"At the Gala!"

"All the birdies, and the critters, they will love me big and small, we'll become good friends forever, right here at the Gala!"

"All our dreams will come true, right here at the Gala! At the Gala!"

"At th' Gala," sang Applejack.

"It's amazing!"

"Ah will sell them,"

"Better hurry!"

"All mah appletahstic treats,"

"Yummy yummy!"

"Hungry ponies,"

"They'll be snacking!"

"They'll buy them,"

"Bring your money!"

"Caramel apples, apple sweets,"

"Gimme some!"

"And Ah'll earn a lot of money, for the Apple family!"

"All our dreams and our hopes from now until hereafter, all that we've been wishing for will happen at the Gala! At the Gala!"

"At the Gala," sang Rarity, "all the royals, they will meet fair Rarity, they will see I'm just as regal at the Gala!"

"At the Gala!"

"I will find him, my Prince Charming, and how gallant he will be, he will treat me like a lady, tonight at the Gala!"

"This is what we've waited for to have the best night ever, each of us will live our dreams, tonight at the Gala! At the Gala!" The random music suddenly broke into rock.

"Been dreamin', I've been waitin'," sang Rainbow, "to fly with those great ponies, the Wonderbolts, their daring tricks, spinning round and having kicks, perform for crowds of thousands, they'll shower us with diamonds, the Wonderbolts will see me right here at the Gala!" The music went back to whatever it was before.

"All we've longed for, all we've dreamed, our happy ever after, finally will all come true, right here at the Grand Gala! At the Gala!"

"I am here at the Grand Gala!" Sang Pinkie, "for it is the best party! But the one thing it was missing was a pony named Pinkie! For I am the best at parties! All the ponies will agree! Ponies playing, ponies dancing, with me at the Grand Gala!"

"Happiness and laughter at the Gala! At the Gala!"

"At the Gala," sang Twilight.

"At the Gala!"

"With the Princess,"

"With the Princess!"

"Is where I'm going to be,"

"She will be!"

"We will talk all about magic and what I've learned and seen,"

"She will see!"

"It is going to be so special, as she takes time just for me!"

"This will be the best night ever! Into the Gala we must go, we're ready now, we're all aglow! Into the Gala, let's go in and have the best night ever! Into the Gala, now's the time! We're ready and we look divine!" Everypony looked at me expectantly.

"No," I stated bluntly. I walked into the castle. It was a lot less impressive than I had expected, decorated with lots of whites and golds. A dark coated, blue maned pegasus marched up to me.

"Cloud Calculation?" He asked emotionlessly.

"Yes?" I replied.

"I've been asked to escort you to Princess Celestia. Follow me."

"Okay." I followed him.

We had been walking for about ten minutes when we finally reached a door that looked fancier than others we'd passed. The stallion knocked on the door, receiving some muffled speech from the other side of the door. He pushed it open and motioned for me to enter. Inside, Celestia sat next to a pile of scrolls.

"Cloud Calculation," greeted Celestia, "it's been a while. Nice suit."

"Thanks," I replied.

"Take a seat." I sat in a chair opposite her.

"So... The Gala seems nice."

"It's crap. As always."

"Oh."

"Hopefully my niece's shapeshifting will be enough to trick anypony who wishes to speak to me."

"So what did you find out?" Celestia let out a strange sigh.

"Your past is stranger than any of us expected. I have a lot to tell you." She levitated a scroll off of the tower next to her and unfurled it. "According to the tests I've had done, you didn't exist prior to the eve of the summer solstice." What? "There was no trace of you anywhere on Magi until you ended up in the field."

"Wait-wait-wait, how did I end up in the field in the first place?!"

"I created a Time Window to see for myself."

"A Time Window?"

"Yes, it's a way to look into the past without having to actually travel there. There's no way to alter anything so it's great for investigating. Unfortunatly, it's an incredibly complex spell. I had to study it for decades before-"

"What did you see?!"

"Huh? Oh, right. Well... I think you should see for yourself." Celestia cast a thought-projection spell, showing the field, empty. "This is a projection of what I saw through the Time Window. You'll make your... Entrance... In about thirty seconds." Why did she hesitate? Twenty snail-paced seconds passed by, but the field looked the same as ever.

Suddenly, a hole tore open from what looked like the fabric of the universe itself. Inside, there was pure nothingness. Just looking at it was sickening. A gut wrenching scream pierced my ears. A body of a pony was fired out of the universe tear, smashing against the ground. The body was mine. I wasn't moving. Slowly, the tear closed itself, making the scream quieter and quieter until it could be heard no more and I lay there alone. The spell ended.

The silence was almost painful.

"So... Whaddya think?"

"I- The- What?" Celestia sighed.

"Yeah, that was my reaction at first. So, obviously you're from a different universe. The question is, which one?"

"A-A different universe?! Seriously?!"

"Yup, a different universe."

"How can you say that so simply?!"

"It's not the first time I've encountered another universe; it's more common than you'd think. From the way you were acting, you were definitely a pony in that universe, too."

"WHAT?!"

After half an hour of trying, Celestia managed to calm me down and explain more about her experiences with the multiverse.

One universe had been known for centuries and was parallel to this one, but was a government secret due to the disturbing nature of its residents. It had been dubbed as 'Equestria Gamma'. Another was one known as 'The Breezyverse' and was publicly known. Celestia wouldn't tell me about the residents of either universe. The two universes were accessible through portals that activated after certain amounts of time.

"...So now that that's out of the way," continued Celestia, "we can move onto the next matter at hoof. There is an ancient prophecy..."

"...And those doubtful twats formed 'The Cult Of Disharmony' to bring back Discord."

"But how did I stop a prophecy supposedly set in stone?"

"There are two possibilities. The first of which is that since you're from a different universe, the prophecy never predicted you. The second possibility is that you didn't and that you are the final harmony, a metaphor for ultimate peace."

"Woah... But wait, the girls never wielded any power, so it can't be the second one, right?"

"Oh yeah... I guess it's the first one then."

"I guess so. What are we gonna do now though?"

"What do you mean?"

"Isn't it gonna be hard keeping the world safe without peace reining?"

"Nah, we'll be fine. Peace is boring anyway. Let's go see how the girls are doing."

Author's Notes:

Finally some plot progress is made!
Celestia explained it roughly the same way as Key Chain, so I cut it out.

---

'Equestria Gamma'. The EG 'verse.

---

I improved the tie!

Arrival (???'s POV)

A quick glance over my shoulder told me everything I needed to know; I'd made it into his universe. The universe tear behind me slowly closed itself as I checked my surroundings. Something's wrong here... I pulled a map of Equestria out of my saddlebag and checked my positioning. Wait, but that's... Mother bucker! I groaned.

"Why can't the traversal of time and space ever be easy?" I muttered to myself. Twenty years in the past! Great! I put the map back in my saddlebag. I'll be lucky if he's even defeated Moon-Butt yet! There's no way to know when I am! A cotton candy cloud whizzed through the sky, scattering chocolate rain. ...Although, that's a pretty good clue... I stretched out, summoned a Support Circle and started flying south.

Time to go to Ponyville.

Author's Notes:

Who could this mysterious individual be?

The Return Of Harmony

"...So basically," I explained, "not only have I screwed up everything, I'm also an alien!" I was explaining my situation to Spike.

"Wait," replied Spike, "if you're- BLEH!" He vomited out a letter which I caught with my magic. It was addressed to me so I opened it up and read it. "What does it say?"

"Discord's free. Tell Twilight to make sure everypony in town is safe." I rushed outside, summoned a Support Circle and sped as fast as I could to Zecora's to pick up some potions.

Zecora gave me a potion belt to wear and six different potions to use; two potions of Magic Restoration (to keep up my magical energy), three Regeneration Potions (to pour onto injuries) and a potion of Steel Coating (made my coat and mane as hard as steel to help against physical attacks when drunk). I quickly headed back to the library and found Twilight and Rainbow waiting for me.

"I told Spike to tell you to help the townsponies," I explained. Twilight nodded.

"They're all inside their homes," she explained. "I'm not letting you face him alone."

"Me neither!" Blurted Rainbow. I sighed.

"I'm not gonna be able to tell you otherwise, am I?" I asked.

"Not in a million years!"

"I'm not going to let you do this alone," repeated Twilight. "I know you're strong but this isn't something you can do." I wouldn't have to if the freakin' Elements weren't destroyed.

"Have you forgotten that I beat the embodiment of nightmares on day one? I've become way stronger since then anyway, so- Oh, screw it, there's no point arguing. Get to the KGBNRB, I need to grab a couple of things."

"Okay!" Rainbow saluted and the two of them went outside to the KGBNRB. I headed upstairs and opened the hat box in my room. Inside lay the stetson.

One day I'll need to take you into the past to fix a terrible mistake. Something so bad that I cry apologies into Twilight's chest. I don't know what that mistake was, and I doubt I ever will, but please give me the luck I'll need today. I'm talking to a bucking hat. I've gone insane again, haven't I? Don't ruin the moment! I took the stetson in my hooves and gently placed it onto my head, immediately feeling better.

"Time for battle." I headed down to the KGBNRB.

Soon, we arrived at Canterlot. Weird shit had started happening everywhere, including chocolate rain and freakishly distorted animals running rampant. We rushed to the castle and burst through the doors. Celestia was standing atop the staircase.

"Cloud," she greeted, "thanks for coming."

"Hey, God-Horse," I replied.

"Are you ready to face Discord?"

"As I'll ever be."

"This battle will be like nothing you've faced so far. Discord is a trickster, you may not be able to defeat him with brute force. If you humor him, maybe he'll slip up long enough for you to-" Celestia was cut off by the wall behind her exploding. After checking she was okay, I went to see what had caused the explosion. The dust from the wall cleared to reveal a strange mix and match creature lying face down in a pool of blood. There was a silhouette of a pony behind it, cloaked in the shadows of the ruined wall.

"Well, well well," said a female voice (supposedly from the mystery pony), "Cloud Calculation. Just who I was looking for. I've finally found you." Who is that? "It would've helped if I hadn't missed you in Ponyville, but shit happens."

"Who are you?" I called to the silhouette. "And what's this dead thing?"

"I'm somepony from half of your distant future."

"What?"

"The dead thing is Discord."

"What?!"

"Actually, he might not be dead yet, you should probably check for a pulse. I'm talkin' to you, Astral-Ass." Twilight looked startled, but went to check anyway.

"Who are you?"

"You're starting to sound like a broken record."

"Answer the question then!" The silhouette laughed.

"You really do sound like my mother. I didn't think it'd be this similar. Is Dicklord still alive?" Twilight nodded. The silhouette sighed. "Even here, still so buckin' annoying." She cast some magic on Discord's body, covering it in a dark purple aura. There was a flash of light, and Discord was petrified. "That should hold him for a while, a few months at best but oh well."

"Why are you obsessed with being cryptic?" The mystery pony stepped into the light. She had a blue coat and a spiky, purple mane. Her cutie mark was a blue fireball.

"I'm Overcast Vesper; your daughter from the future of an alternate dimension conceived by yourself who was impregnated by future you." The room went silent.

"What?" Vesper rolled her eyes.

"In your maybe distant future, you go into an alternate universe and bang your female counterpart. Then I happened." More silence.

"What?"

"Twenty years later, I decide to go and meet you, so I set up the ritual and all that bull and come to this universe."

"What?"

"Something screwed up and I'm here twenty-or-so years too early from where I was trying to get."

"What?"

"So I decided that here was good enough."

"What?"

"It's a different universe, so I don't have to worry about making any paradoxes."

"What?"

"If I screw up something here, everything will reset to a certain point and shit will continue as normal."

"What?"

"So... Whatcha think?"

"What?" Vesper started to look annoyed.

"Do you know where we are, Cloud?"

"What?"

"'What' ain't no country I've ever heard of. They speak Equestrian in What?"

"What?"

"Equestrian, mother bucker! Do you speak it?!"

"Yes! Yes!"

"Then you know what I'm sayin'!"

"Yes!"

"Tell me what you think about this!"

"What?" Vesper grabbed me by the sides of my face and started shaking me vigorously.

"Say 'what' again! Say 'what' again! I dare you! I double dare you mother bucker! Say what one more Realta damn time!"

"Y-You're my future, half alternate-universe daughter?"

"Go on!"

"You got here too early?" Vesper smacked me across the face.

"Are you a bitch?"

"What?" Vesper punched me in the face, then grabbed me again.

"Are you a bitch?!"

"No!"

"Then why am I slapping you like a bitch?"

"W-What?" Vesper punched me again, knocking me unconscious.

Author's Notes:

Introducing Overcast Vesper:

Cloud's daughter from the future of half of an alternate dimension.

---

http://youtu.be/u_gtyyarG2A?t=40s

Lesson Zero

It took me about a day to get over the shock of Vesper existing, and by the end of the day we were already close. She and I fixed the castle while Celestia and Twilight reverted anything that Discord had changed back to normal. Rainbow Dash waited in the KGBNRB. When we had finished cleaning up, Celestia told me she'd look into who'd had access to Dicklord that day so we could find out how the Cult of Dickharmony freed him.

Since she was from the future, Vesper knew a decent bit about Arcane Circles and how they worked. Apparently, any sapient creature had the ability to summon Arcane Circles, not just Unicorns and Alicorns. Summoning them was linked even more to willpower than I originally thought. Vesper only knew how to summon the Support Circle. Since she found all of that out from an alternate version of me, she wasn't causing a paradox by telling this me.

Vesper was staying at the library with me and Twilight. We'd retrofitted the basement into another bedroom (and gotten rid of the lab) for her to stay in. For money, she pretty much did the same as I did; helping with anything and everything around town.

In the universe were she had come from it wasn't just me that was female; everypony from that universe was the opposite gender to this one. She was used my friends having lots of testosterone, and wasn't used to them taking offense to things so easily. As a result, the others weren't very fond of Vesper. It was understandable, she wasn't exactly polite in the way they were used to. Unfortunately, she was a lot less... Naive...

I can't believe you stopped Discord alone!

He's not the first villain I've taken out, I had help from experience.

You've taken out bad guys?! Cool!

Not for the ones I set on fire!

...O-Oh...

They were warm for the rest of their lives!

...I-I've got somewhere I need to be...

Why, Darling! I simply must fix your mane!

What's wrong with it?

It's just so... Spiky!

And what's wrong with spiky?

Spiky manes went out of fashion years ago!

Well I'm not a fashion whorse, so I wouldn't know!

So you've already met all of us as stallions?

Yeah. You're all pretty similar to your counterparts, but there are a few differences.

Like what?

Names are a big difference.

What was I like as a stallion?

Bad in bed.

W-What?!

Those first few days were an interesting mixture of fun and painful.

About a week after the Dicklord incident, Vesper and I were in the kitchen eating alcoholic cake when Twilight trotted in talking to herself again.

"...I'm going to have to find somepony who does," she rambled. "Cloud! Vesper!"

"What?" We both asked at the same time.

"Do either of you have any problems, troubles, conundr-"

"No," interrupted Vesper. She went back to eating cake.

"Why?" I asked.

"I haven't sent a report to Princess Celestia this week about what I've learnt about friendship!"

"Since when did you do that in the first place?"

"I've been doing it since I first came here!"

"Oh. 'Kay then." There was a pause. "Want some cake?"

"No! I need to find a friendship problem!"

"Okay. Good luck with that." Twilight groaned and stormed off. I took another bite of cake. "So... Is everything pretty much the same in this 'verse? Besides the genders, of course."

"No," replied Vesper, "there are way more differences than I expected."

"Like what?"

"Just stuff in general. From the looks of things, this universe is barely even parallel."

"For instance?"

"You don't even have an overpowered magical artifact to use on the big buckers."

"Who were the 'big buckers' other me used it on? And what was it?"

"I'm not calling her 'other you', that's just weird."

"Well, what was her name then?"

"Sky Calculator."

"Eh, it's close enough. So what was it?"

"It was this sword. I can't remember its name, something like 'Dawnbreaker'. She found it in this other universe she got trapped in."

"What did it do?"

"It set shit on fire and made zombies explode."

"So who'd she use it on?"

"A whole bunch of dicks. She got pretty obsessed with killing with the sword."

"I'm guessing she didn't meet herself from the future telling herself not to kill?"

"What? What kind of bucked up fever dreams have you been having?"

"...Nevermind..."

"Anyway, the only villain that seems the same here is Dicklord. Well, he was female and had a different name but you get the point."

"Yeah." The was a pause. "Y'know, you should really make up with the girls."

"Why?"

"Because-" God-Horse teleported onto the table.

"Oh," she said awkwardly. "Hello." I sighed.

"What did Twilight do this time?"

"What gives you that idea?"

"You don't stand in cake very often."

"You'd be surprised. Anyway," she climbed down from the table, "Twilight's gone and mind-bucked the whole town. The 'Want It, Need It' spell. You know it?"

"Seriously? Ugh..." I facehoofed. "Yeah I know it. It's bucking useless, you can't even use it to get laid."

"Not that that's ever been in your schedule." Celestia and Vesper snickered. I gave them the stink eye.

"And for that, you get no cake." I cast a quick repair spell on the cake and teleported it to the fridge. Wait, is it already night? What the buck?! "Why is it night?!"

"Rough day in court and the nobles are stupid enough to fall for it."

"Won't that screw up the ecosystem?"

"Luna and I are strong enough to control celestial objects and you two can single-hoovedly take down the gods. It'll be fine."

"Eh, fair enough." I heard the front door open. "Sounds like Astral-Ass is back." Celestia sighed.

"Yeah. I need to go and deal with her but you two stick around, I've got important news."

"Okay." Celestia went into the main room to talk to Twilight. Ten minutes or so later, she returned.

"That's them dealt with."

"What did you need to tell us?" Celestia grinned.

"You'll be excited to know, since you missed out on stopping Discord, that I've discovered the location of a regular meeting place for the cult. The leader doesn't seem to show up to its meetings, but one of his lieutenants does. I need you to take them down." She turned to Vesper. "Without killing them." Vesper rolled her eyes and Celestia turned back to me.

"Okay, that shouldn't take long. Maybe an hour at most."

"Oh, but I haven't gotten to the best part."

"Hm?"

"Seeing as it's in Bullgium, most of the cultists there will be Minotaurs. Minotaurs have magic-resistant armour."

"So the lieutenant won't just be a wave of a hoof?"

"That's not what I meant. It's in Bullgium, so while you're on your short holiday, you can challenge the Colosseum!" I grinned.

"Oh, buck yeah." This is gonna be fun!

Author's Notes:

Yes, Sky went to Nirn.

The Colosseum (Multi POV)

Author's Notes:

A quick not about the geography in this story:

Magi is basically just like Earth with the locations of continents. Most places are just the same but with pun names (Bullgium, Germaneigh, Eagland, Japone, etc). Equestria replaces America and the Crystal Empire (along with its surrounding arctic tundra) replaces Canada.

Minotaur currency is drachmas.

The next day (and a few carriage rides later), the two of us arrived in Taureau Hommes, the capital of Bullgium. There were way more Minotaurs than Ponies. Obviously I'd expected there to not be many Ponies, but seeing it was different to imagining it.

First, we headed over to a hotel to drop our things off and-

"Wait," said Vesper, "did God-Horse give us any money?" Shit.

"No," I replied.

"Mother bucker! What do we do now?!"

"Uh... What's the exchange rate for bits to drachmas?"

"Twenty bits to a drachma."

"What?! That's terrible! What do we do for money?!"

"I don't-!" Something behind me suddenly caught Vesper's eye. I turned to see what it was. It was a poster about the Colosseum. More importantly, written at the bottom of it was the reward money. I looked back at Vesper and we both grinned.

"One thousand drachmas should be enough, right?"

After leaving our things somewhere and covering it with a force field, we headed to the Colosseum for some fun. Signing up took no trouble, the only requirement was the knowledge of the rules; preferably don't kill, you must remain inside the Colosseum at all times and if your opponent stops moving, you win. We were soon sitting in a waiting room of sorts.

"So," I started, "when we inevitably fight, we probably shouldn't kill each other. That would be bad."

"Yeah," agreed Vesper, "we should just fight until I knock you out."

"Wait, what?"

"Cloud, you might think you're strong, but trust me, I'm way stronger than you."

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah. It's just fact, I know all of your patterns and you know none of mine."

"And who taught you?"

"Sky."

"Right, me from another universe. The me that has a different attack patterns."

"So? Even if your attack patterns are different, you're still much weaker than me."

"We'll see, Vesper, we'll see..."

After a couple of hours of waiting, we were separated and led into small booths similar to changing rooms. There was a selection of different weapons and armour. This gives me a pretty good idea of what I'll be going up against. Okay, how do I fight against these? Gold absorbs magic and will be hard to fight against, the best idea is to either find a gap in the armour or create one. Physically, it's weak, so hopefully that's a good deterrent against anypony (or anyone in this case) using it. Platinum armour reflects spells and is incredibly strong. Spells will still do a little damage, so I won't be powerless. It's ridiculously heavy, so anyone using it will either have to be really strong or just use a very small amount.

I won't need any weapons, my spells and my Arcane Circles will be enough for me. While on the subject of weapons, it's important to note about different speeds. Swords are faster than axes, axes are faster than maces, maces are faster than two handed swords, two handed swords are faster than two handed axes, two handed axes are faster than hammers and hammers are faster than giant clubs. Iron is good for physical defense, so I'll use a little iron body-armour for main defense. Leather would be better for me. I'm not wearing another creature's skin, that's bucked up. I strapped on some armour and stretched out my legs and neck.

The way battles worked in the Colosseum was fairly simple; two opponents would fight one-on-one in a large circular arena, the only way to ring-out was to leave the Colosseum entirely. There were no rules against using magic, but it was heavily looked down upon. If you won a match, you would continue fighting. If you lost, you would be kicked out. Simple.

Eventually, it was time for my first match. I wandered out into the battleground. There were a few blood splatters here and there, but overall it was pretty empty. On the other side of the ring approached a Minotaur covered in iron armour wielding an axe. Upon seeing me, he let out a roar and charged. As soon as he got close, I grabbed him with magic and created a little sleeping gas. He was quickly unconscious. I gently placed him on the ground and walked back into my waiting area, with the crowd yelling insults at me as I went. Seems easy enough so far.

It was finally time for my first match. I didn't have any of the shitty armour they'd prepared, all I needed was my magic. My first victim opponent was a heavily armoured Minotaur. Steel amour and a hammer. He rushed towards me. I grabbed him in a telekinetic hold and let out a torrent of fire. His armour melted and burned any flesh that the fire didn't get to first. His screams echoed through the Colosseum. After a few seconds I dropped him and trotted back to my waiting area. This'll be more fun than I thought!

The next few fights went the same general way until I went up against a Griffon wearing golden armour. He flew towards me like lightning, talons outstretched. I teleported behind him and focused my magic on the ground just in front of me, feeding it energy but not letting it release yet. The Griffon gave a mighty flap of his wings and flew towards me again. When he was in the right position, I let go of my hold on the ground beneath him. Gold may be able to stop magic, but it can't stop a stalagmite exploding out of the ground to stab you in the guts!

Every single 'fight' had gone the same way; my opponent was hit in the face with a cloud of gas and fell unconscious. You'd think at least one of them would use face protection. Even if they did, the gas would just leak past it. Oh yeah... At some point I'd taken off the armour. All it did was slow me down.

Hours later, it was time for the final battle. Unsurprisingly, it was Vesper. Who was coated in blood. For Realta's sake, Vesper...

"Here we are then," I called to her as we approached each other.

"Yep," she replied.

"Time to find out who's stronger."

"Yep. Time for you to see how much weaker you are than I am."

"We'll see." We reached each other and stopped walking. Vesper sneered.

"Even if this isn't to the death, don't expect me to go easy on you, dad." I nodded.

"Let's do this."

Vesper teleported as I summoned a Support Circle. I spun around to see a magic bolt flying towards my face. I flew upwards to avoid it and unleashed an electric beam towards her. She summoned her own Support Circle and flew around me to avoid it. I deactivated the beam and turned, only to be punched in the face. I recovered quickly and blocked her next hit with a Shield Circle, then fired my own KC punch at her. She tried blocking with a hoof, but she underestimated the power behind a Kinetic Circle. Her entire leg snapped, but even then the punch kept going to connect with her face.

Vesper's Support Circle shattered with her concentration and she fell towards the ground. Just before smashing down, she covered herself in a force field to land somewhat safer. I zoomed down to her as she healed herself. I started charging up another KC punch early, but as I went to release it she threw up a Force Barrier. Even with a Force Barrier as powerful as hers, the strength from a KC punch was far too great; my hoof effortlessly sped through it, once again meeting her face. Her head smashed into the ground, creating a pool of blood.

Quickly summoning a Support Circle, Vesper sped away from me to heal up again. She looked pretty pissed by now. She used a spell I was unfamiliar with to cover herself in blue flames, then rocketed towards me like a living fireball. A simple Shield Circle should have been plenty, but... Hm... I just had an interesting idea. Kinetic Circles can power up anything using a kinetic force and I can move Shield Circles the same way as Support Circles, so... I summoned a Shield Circle, then I summoned a Kinetic Circle in the exact same place, forcing them to merge together. I started charging the Kinetic Circle. Let's see what happens when I move a Shield Circle with the power of a Kinetic!

The fire ball was about to hit me when I released the Kinetic Circle's charge, hitting Vesper in the everything with a Shield Bash! Her magic evaporated immediately and Vesper flew back across the Colosseum, landing breathless in the dirt. I flew down to her as she barely managed to heal herself one last time, and sprayed her with sleeping gas.

Author's Note 2:
Did their fight turn out as you expected?
Was Vesper crueler than you imagined?
Do you like Cloud's new fighting move?
Say so in the comments below!

The Night After

After getting the prize money, I went to get our stuff and find a good hotel. I settled with the 'Sabot De Ch'evre'. It wasn't brilliant, but it was good enough for what we needed it for. What does the name mean, you ask? I have no idea! Who the buck am I talking to? Afterwards, I went back to the Colosseum to carry Vesper to the hotel room. I couldn't remember how the forced consciousness spell was supposed to be cast, so I lay her down on the single bed and went out into the streets of Taureau Hommes, wandering around with a small sack of money around my neck.

At first I hadn't known what to look for, but I soon remembered that I needed a better repair spell. The one I had been using so far, while useful, was incredibly basic. I needed something higher tier, something more efficient, something good for incineration and-

"Heya, mister!" Exclaimed a Griffon well within my personal space. He had mostly dark blue feathers with some white on his face and wingtips and looked to be somewhere between sixteen and twenty (assuming Griffons age at the same rate as Ponies).

"Uh, hi?" I replied. What does this guy want?

"I saw ya fightin' at tha battle tourney! Youse an amazin' fighter!"

"Thanks." I extended a hoof. "Cloud Calculation." The Griffon grabbed my hoof and shook it vigorously.

"Ahm Louie!" Griffon names are weird... "Ah've never seen a Pony castin' magic like tha' before! Whatcha call them circle things?"

"Arcane Circles, they-"

"Ah've never heard of them before! Where didja learn em?"

"They come to me naturally. It's linked to-"

"Ah guess tha's why your dainty mark is one of them!"

"Yeah, but it's actually called a cutie-"

"Didja invent em?"

"No, they were first discovered by Star-"

"Howd'ya use em?"

"It's hard to explain, you have to try to-"

"They were so cool! Especially tha' big one ya finished with! Tha' other pony was knocked straight out!"

"Actually, it was the sleeping gas tha-"

"Do Ponies eat grass?"

"We could, but it's unhygienic so-"

"Wha' abou' hay?" Is this really happening right now?

"Yeah, it's a normal thing for us to-"

"Where didja grow up?"

"Heh. That's harder to answer. Further than anypon- Anyone has ever been. Probably."

"Whered'ya live, then?"

"Ponyville, Equestria."

"Where's tha'?"

"Other side of the world. Where are you from?"

"Ah'm from Talondon!"

"That's in Eagland, right?"

"Yep! Hay of a place to live!"

"You're pretty far from home."

"Yep! Ah've left mah folks an' now Ah'm exploring the world!"

"That's pretty cool. Hey, do you know if any shops around here sell spells?"

"There's a place nearby! Ah'll take ya there!"

"Thanks."

I couldn't find a new repair spell, so instead I went to get a haycon sandwich. It was surprisingly hard to enjoy food with someone breathing down the back of your neck.

"Whyd'ya Ponies eat hay instead o' bacon?" Louie asked for the third time. *Bang* *Bang* *Bang* What am I doing? Slamming my head against a mental desk.

"We're herbivores," I replied, "we don't eat meat."

"Why not?"

"It's not healthy for us."

"Howd'ya know if ya haven' tried it?" I eyed the bacon sandwich in his talons. The greasy flesh of another living thing shoved between bread glistening slightly in the light of Luna's space rock was more than enough to make my stomach churn in disgust. Ugh...

"Instinct." I finished off my sandwich and stood up from the bench we were sitting on. "Well, I should go and get some sleep." ...And by that I mean check on Vesper then fight some cultists.

"Aw, already?!"

"Yeah. Big day tomorrow." ...And by that I mean probably sleeping all day then going home.

"Tha's some sad news, mister."

"Uh huh. Well, see you." I teleported back to the hotel room, making Vesper jump in surprise in the doorway to the bathroom.

"Buck!" She yelled. "Don't do that to me, ya dick!" I rolled my eyes and dived onto the double bed to relax.

"How else was I gonna get back?" I stretched out, receiving some satisfying pops from my back. "We're taking down the cult about thirty minutes."

"Why? It's the middle of the night."

"You think cultists hold meetings in daylight?" Vesper shrugged.

"It'd be enough to fool us." Her brow furrowed slightly. "The double bed's mine. Get off."

"Nope."

"Why the buck not?"

"I paid for the room, I choose the bed."

"That's not how it works!"

"Yeah it is, but fine: I won the fight, I choose the bed. How's that?" Vesper huffed and stormed into the bathroom. Now to take down the cultists.

Author's Notes:

It feels blasphemous to write as a character that doesn't like bacon.

---

I decided to make this its own chapter rather than have it with what's to come.

The Lieutenant Of Dickharmony

God-Horse had narrowed it down to a warehouse on the outskirts of the city. The lieutenant was a Minotaur, likely armoured in either gold or platinum. Seeing as we were in Bullgium, most of the cultists would likely be Minotaurs. It was possible that they would also have armour. If they did, it would be light (unless the cult was richer than we expected).

The warehouse was pretty big. At least, bigger than most of the buildings in Taureau Hommes. It wasn't decorated in any way and nothing seemed different than any of the other warehouses. The windows had been blacked out.

"Not a bad hiding spot," I observed.

"No," agreed Vesper. She turned to face me with a smirk on her face. "Let's buck it up."

"We should probably think of tactics first."

"Kill everything that moves." I facehoofed.

"Dammit, Vesper..."

"What?"

"We're not killing anypo- Anyone. Take them out without killing, then heal any huge injuries."

"Why?!"

"How's Celestia supposed to interrogate them when they're dead?!"

"Magic! It solves everything!"

"Don't kill them!"

"Ugh! Fine. I'll heal them after."

"We'll do it fifty fifty until the lieutenant shows up. Then I'll fight him while you take out the grunts."

"What?! Why do you get the big guy?!"

"You blue balled me with the Discord fight. I haven't had a proper fight since Nightmare."

"Oh! So I'm suddenly not a proper fight?!"

"I meant life threatening. We weren't trying to kill each other." Vesper grumbled something incoherent. I sighed. "You ready to fight?"

"It's not gonna be a fight, it's gonna be a massacre."

"Then let's go. And remember; the big guy's mine."

"Mm-hmm." We casually walked up to the door. I detonated it with a magic bolt and we rushed through.

I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't what we found. The interior was hollowed out into one big hall, and a mixture of Minotaurs, Griffons and Ponies made up about seventy to a hundred different creatures standing in a crowd. At the far end of the room was a stage of sorts with a big Minotaur in platinum armour and a gas mask standing in the center (presumably the lieutenant). He had some sort of weapon attached to his back. There was silence as everyone stared at us.

"Well," I said quietly, "there's the big guy."

"KILL THEM!" Screamed the lieutenant. The crowd charged towards us.

"Let's see which one of us finishes first," said Vesper before igniting her horn. I summoned a Support Circle and flew over the crowd to the stage where the lieutenant stood. He reached back for his weapon, revealing it to be a huge steel battleaxe. Compensating much? Platinum will reflect my usual attacks, so mainly use Arcane Circles. The gas mask will stop my sleeping gas but is a weak spot in his defense. If the battleaxe hits me even once, I'm a goner.

I landed on the stage and immediately ran towards him as he started his first swing of his axe. I summoned a Kinetic Circle around my horn and a Shield Circle above me to stop the axe. The Shield Circle stopped the axe with no problems, but my running KC horn ram barely knocked him back and instead sent me flying back across the stage. Bucking hell! I guess platinum does affect Arcane Circles! I quickly climbed to my hooves as the lieutenant charged at me with an overhead swing of the axe.

I ran towards him again, teleporting behind him at the last second. His heavy swing sliced through the stage like butter, getting the axe stuck in the floor. I threw myself into the air with a quick boost from a Support Circle, then KC punched the back of his head. The lieutenant cried out as his face slammed into the floor and the hilt of his weapon slammed into his chest.

I grabbed the side of the gas mask, powered up my hooves, then KC ripped it off of his head, revealing his face. I went to gas him but before I could he headbutted me, sending me to the floor. He yanked the axe from the ground and started swinging at me frantically, forcing me to quickly dodge. After a few swings, he used the momentum he'd built up to try another overhead swing, leaving an opening for an attack. I smashed him in the face with a Shield Bash, making him fall backwards. The axe fell forwards, barely missing his delicates.

I leapt onto his chest and gave him a face full of sleeping gas. Unfortunately, he was smarter than he seemed and held his breath long enough to punch me in the side of my head. I flew off of him sideways, falling off of the stage. As I climbed to my hooves again, he grabbed the axe and leapt off of the stage with yet another overhead swing. I barely managed to roll out of the way. His axe smashed into the stone flooring, but didn't get stuck again. I tried another cloud of gas, which he dived out of the way from. This guy's a decent fighter...

I summoned a Support Circle, flew high above him and drew power from the Circle. I focused my magic on the axe, transmuting it into a long baguette. The lieutenant screamed in anger, throwing the baguette to the floor. He started running back to the stage. I blasted another cloud of gas into where his face was heading, finally succeeding and knocking him out. I healed my face and swooped back to the ground. I looked towards Vesper just as she finished off the final fleeing cultist, grabbing him with magic and mashing his face into a wall. I trotted over to her.

"Have fun?" I asked. She wiped her brow and turned to me with a huge grin on her face.

"Buck yeah!" She exclaimed. Her grin faltered a little. "Damn, you finished first. How was he?"

"Surprisingly tough. How about them?" Vesper laughed.

"After I one-shot the twentieth one, the others tried to run. Then it was a matter of time." I returned the grin.

"That's my girl." We brohoofed.

Author's Notes:

Wow, that chapter came to me fast.

The Mysterious Mare Do Well

Vesper and I left the next day with the prison carriage that arrived for the cultists. Nothing in Bullgium was very interesting to us, and the Colosseum had been a huge disappointment. Twilight was antsy because we didn't see her costume of Star Swirl (apparently we'd missed 'Nightmare Night' or something like that).

For the next few weeks nothing particularly interesting happened. Rainbow got a pet, but that was pretty much it. Life was boring once again.

To try and counter my boredom, I was out on another walk ar-

"Help!" Screamed a young, female(ish) voice. I went to investigate by following the continuous screams of the kid and found myself next to well. Looking inside, I saw the rough outline of a pink and blue filly. I summoned a Support Circle and casually flew down to her. Wow, this well's deep. After about a minute, I got bored and teleported to her instead.

"'Sup?" I asked casually.

"Please help me, mister!" The filly begged, still screaming. Thanks, it's not like I needed those eardrums...

"Would you stop screaming?"

"Please get me outta here!" One flash later and we were back at the top.

"There, okay? Now, are you hurt?"

"Thanks so much, mister!"

"How did you even get down there? That fall's way to deep to survive normally." I suddenly noticed a crowd around us just in time for their cheering. "Oh. Hey." The crowd just kept cheering. "Yeah, this is happening. I'm gonna go now." I continued my walk, the crowd disappearing as I rounded a corner.

It only took five minutes before I heard another scream, this time just a scream in general. I didn't have to look far to find a mare looking down a hill and producing the screams. I looked down the hill to see a baby carriage speeding towards the edge of a cliff. Since when have there been random cliffs in the middle of a village? I grabbed the carriage with telekinesis, levitated it back to the mare, then continued my walk.

This time it took ten minutes. A balcony on an old ponies home had snapped and four elderly ponies were plummeting to the floor. After some quick levitation and a repair spell, the balcony and ponies were back where they should have been. This whole town is a bucking health hazard.

About an hour later, I decided to head back to the library and see if Vesper wanted to have another fight. But lo and behold, I soon found another thing to stop. A hot air balloon had somehow burst and was falling to the ground and a mare was trapped inside. More levitation, more repairs and another disaster averted.

Eventually, I made to the library without the entire town exploding or breaking some way. Vesper wasn't in.

Buck this, I'm taking a nap...

Author's Notes:

Important blog post you should probably read: https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/415640/so

---

Magic ex machina. The enemy of fun solutions.

Sweet And El- BUCK IT, WE'RE TIME TRAVELING NOW

Rarity and I had gone to Canterlot. I was there because it was time for me to sustain the paradox and become a time traveler. Why was Rarity there, you ask? Who cares!

After the carriage landed, I'd grabbed my stetson and made my way to the castle. God-Horse was making sure that Rarity wouldn't mess anything up, so I had to wait a few minutes. She soon returned and directed me to the doctor that the other me had said to go to in order to learn the right healing spells.

His name was Rib Remover. He was a magic surgeon, renowned across Equestria for his skills and intellect with medical magic. He gained his fame very quickly. So quickly, in fact, that Celestia herself hoof picked him to be the CMO (Chief Medical Officer) of Equestria. With his amazing skill and my insane magical talent, it only took an hour for me to learn the spell I needed. I returned to Celestia quickly after, finding her in her study having a cup of tea with Luna.

"Hey, Gods," I called to them as I walked towards them.

"Hello, Cloud," Celestia greeted.

"You will call us by our titles, Whelp!" Luna exclaimed angrily.

"Okay, let me try that again." I teleported outside the door again and re-entered, this time bowing dramatically. "Oh! Your Highnesses! How honored I am to be graced by your presence!" Luna gave me a death glare. "May I intrude on your grateful nature to assist with temporal conundrums?"

"Y-You may!" Laughed Celestia. I summoned a Support Circle underneath me and floated towards them, still bowing. When I was close, I dismissed it and got even lower to the floor.

"Is this official enough or do you want me to start kissing your hooves?" Luna rolled her eyes and refilled her cup, leaving an awkward silence. She wants me so bad.

"Anyway," said Celestia, breaking the silence, "I'm going to send you back from here. Explain to past me what's going on and what spells to send you, then fly to Ponyville and teleport into the library to beat yourself up. While you're knocked out, perform the surgery then write yourself a note about what's going on. I assume Doctor Remover taught you the spell?" I nodded. "Good. The time spell I'll be using will only be active for a couple of hours, so do what you need to quickly. Make sure you do everything that you remember seeing yourself do." I guess that includes crying to Twilight...

"What will happen to the version of me that went back originally?"

"No clue."

"Great. Thanks."

"You saw yourself go back in the library, right?"

"Yeah."

"Then that's where you'll be when you come back."

"Okay." I stretched out, producing several satisfying pops from my back. "Let's do this." Celestia ignited her horn, surrounding me in a yellow light. Suddenly, every part of me seemed to be sucked inward, until I felt like I had been torn inside out.

Hello, pain. How are you today? Oh, me? I've been fine. Y'know, lying around, being bored, that sort of thing. Wow. This seems a lot less sane from this angle. What the buck?! This is either a psychic message, or I've developed another alternate personality... It's not quite as simple as that. Why not? Would you just open your eyes already?! Okay! Jeez, calm down. I opened my eyes.

It looked like I was inside a cloud. Everything was very cloudy. And misty. Mistfully cloudy. A room of cloudy mist. With cloud walls. And ceiling. My skills at description are amazing as always. In front of me stood... Me. In another stetson identical to the one I was wearing.

"What?" I asked. I reached a hoof down to me and helped me up

"Yeah," I replied, "this is a thing." I sat down on the floor/cloud. I did the same. "I assume you're the alternate timeline me that I should have created?"

"Probably, assuming you're the first version of me."

"Huh. I didn't expect the timelines to merge like this."

"What do I mean?" I smirked.

"I'd tell myself to not refer to me as also me, but I both already know I can't resist." I grinned.

"Yeah."

"Anyway, I- Wait, have I altered the past yet or did I just go back?"

"I just went back, why?"

"Why am I merging so soon?"

"I don't understand what I mean." I thought to myself for a moment, leaving me confused.

"Hmm... I don't see why- Oh! It probably means that the paradox was automatically sustained by me just going back."

"It automatically fixed it for me? Why?" I shrugged.

"I dunno. I guess we're just gonna be here for a while." There was an awkward silence.

"So why did I break the universe?" I shifted my hooves awkwardly.

"Uh... I kinda attacked Twilight, Rainbitch and Applejack..."

"That's not that ba-"

"...And then left their rapidly dying bodies in the middle of the Everfree with the other three, causing them to die by being viciously ripped apart by monsters."

"Oh." There was another awkward silence. "So that was why I saw me crying to Twilight?" I looked surprised.

"I saw me do that?"

"Yeah, I did. It makes sense why I did that now, so I can stop wondering all the time."

"Yeah. So how did things go in the new timeline?"

"Well; I met my daughter from half of a parallel Equestria conceived by me who was impregnated by future me, I found out I was from an alternate universe, I gassed the Colosseum, I smashed the lieutenant of dicks, I became a consensually abusive parent and I saved a bunch of random Ponies in Ponyville." I stared at myself in disbelief. "What about me?" I shook my head vigorously to jump-start my brain.

"I, uh, killed some Dogs, I killed some Buffalo, I killed my friends, I destroyed the universe, and, uh... That's pretty much it."

"Oh. That's... Different." There were a few more minutes of silence. "It doesn't look like we're leaving anytime soon, so... Wanna bang?" I grinned.

"Some things never change."

And then the fun was doubled!

Author's Notes:

Yeah, not much happened, but I didn't want to skip too far ahead because nothing interesting was happening with the episodes, and I needed to get this to happen at some point anyway.
At least there's not long until the Changelings have their fun!

---

The story's gonna be on hold for a bit while I plan and start a new story and stuff.
More info here.

The Return Of Equestria's Worst Enemy (Celestia's POV)

It had been a whole week since Cloud Calculation had gone into the past, and he still had not returned. I had told his friends that he had gone abroad for awhile at my request. His daughter didn't fall for it, and had pestered me until I told her the truth. We were sitting in my fifth study on the left and I had just finished telling her the story.

"Are you bucking kidding me?" Asked Vesper as she facehoofed. "He beat his past self up to stop an alternate personality?"

"Sadly, no," I replied, "I'm not kidding. Anyway, would you like some cake?" Vesper sighed.

"What kind is it?"

"Sponge, extra icing. I had my chef cast a filling spell on it to make it more satisfying."

"Yeah, okay, I'll have some." I was about to cut her a slice when the doors slammed open, revealing an exhausted Sight Watcher standing between them panting for breath.

"P-Princess!" He wheezed, trying not to fall over. "It's Discord! He-"

"Watcher!" I yelled, "I have told you a thousand times! Knock before entering!"

"B-But-"

"'Butt' indeed! I could have been doing sexy butt stuff!"

"Wait, wha-?"

"And then you would interrupt me before things got interesting!"

"Ma'am! Discord has broken free from the weak petrification!"

"Are you calling my petrifying spell weak?!" Yelled Vesper, standing up from her stripy bean bag.

"N-No! It's just not as strong as the Elem-"

"Oh! So you don't think it's as strong as yours is?!"

"But I'm not even a Unico-!"

"I don't care if you're better than everypony else! You aren't better than me!"

"Watcher!" I yelped, appalled at the insults he had slung at Vesper. "That was uncalled for! How could you say those things to her?!" I put a hoof over Vesper's shoulders. "It's okay Vesper, he's just a dumb stallion."

"You realize you also insulted my father by saying that?"

"Notice how all of the stupid shit he gets into tends to be his fault."

"Fair enough."

"Princess!" Interrupted Watcher. "Discord is wreaking havoc as we speak!" Right as he finished his sentence, Discord teleported into the room with a stupid grin on his face.

"Why hello there, Celly!" He greeted. "It's been too long! Sorry I didn't get to say hello a month ago, I was rudely interrupted by a whor-" his eyes suddenly snapped to Vesper and his grin melted away. "Oh buck." Vesper looked like she was about to ignite from anger.

"What were you about to call me?" She asked slowly.

"I-I... Erm... That is... Buck this!" Discord suddenly flew through the doorway and out of sight.

"Get back here, ya dick bodied bastard!" Vesper's mane and tail exploded into fire in a purple that matched their original colours as she summoned an Arcane Circle and flew after him. I looked back at Watcher.

"As I was about to say before I was rudely interrupted," I started as Discord's screams echoed from the distance, "how could you say those things to poor Vesper? She and her father have defended this country as well as the world, and insulting her is how you repay her?!"

"But I didn't-"

"Fine, I'll forgive you for now, but only if you apologize to Vesper." I took a deep breath. "Let's see how things are going on for everypony else around the castle today. Let's go, Watcher."

"But guard duty-" I picked him up with levitation and walked out of the room, carrying him behind me.

I slammed open the doors of Luna's bedroom, startling her awake.

"Hello, Luna!" I greeted loudly and cheerily.

"Sister," Luna replied groggily, "why must you always wake us- Er... Always wake me in the middle of the day? You're going to ruin Our- I mean, my sleep schedule. How do expect me to act as a politician if I'm too tired?" I waved my hoof dismissively.

"Just let the mortals do politics, it'll be fine."

"But what if they're crappier than that bog monster we fought when we were six hundred?" Before I could answer, she spotted Watcher floating upside down behind me. "Why is there a Royal Guard behind you?"

"It's because-"

"Princess Celestia!" Interrupted a voice from behind me. I turned to see the pony that interrupted me, revealing them to be the Soap Sud, the Earth Pony janitor.

"Hello, Sud. What seems to be the matter?"

"The-"

"Princess," whined Watcher, "my blood's all going to my head!"

"Shut up, Watcher! Go on, Sud."

"Something terrible has happened!"

"Yes, I know, Discord and all that."

"No, worse." A confused look appeared on my face.

"What then?"

"I found this in a toilet in the gents." He moved his hoof forward, trying to show me something he was holding. I glanced down at it. My heart did a somersault. My confused expression became an expression of horror. I dropped Watcher on his head, knocking him unconscious and backed up a few steps. Fear tore through my mind.

"No... Please, me, no!"

"I'm sorry, Princess, but I checked; it's the same as it was before."

He was holding a drenched sandwich.

A drenched cheese sandwich.

It could mean only one thing:

"What do we do, Princess?!" I calmed myself. I knew what I had to do. I put on my sunglasses.

"You try to save as many toilets as you can."

"What about you?" I turned away from him dramatically.

"Come on, Watcher," I grabbed the body of the Royal Guard with magic, "you're gonna be my Watson."

Five hours later, I found Vesper in the leisure centre, getting a massage from Butt Rubber. Sight Watcher followed along behind me, dragging his hooves.

"Cheer up Watcher," I reassured him, "we'll catch him soon."

"Why did you slam dunk me into a kitchen pan?" He asked.

"I was looking for clues."

"How did that help with-?"

"Hey, Celestia," called Vesper.

"Hey, Vesper," I replied. I spotted Discord lying petrified next to the table, his face screwed up in pain.

"What took you so long?"

"Equestria's greatest enemy has returned."

"Lawyers?"

"No, the Sandwich Terrorist."

"Oh. 'Kay then. Can I have a reward if I catch him?"

"Okay." She teleported an unconscious Pony next to me. It was Bog Clogger, another Royal Guard. "This guy was shoving a sandwich down a toilet earlier. Is that what the Sandwich Terrorist does?"

"Yeah, thanks." I teleported Bog into a cell on the other side of the castle.

"What's my reward?"

"Uh..." My eyes scanned the room, fixing on Watcher. I cleared my throat. "Your reward is Watcher." Watcher's gaze snapped to me.

"Wait, what?" He asked.

"He is now your bitch. You can do whatever you want to or with him."

"Yes!" Vesper hoof-pumped. "I've always wanted a sex slave!"

"Watcher, if you disobey her, I'll have you arrested."

"WHAT?!" He screamed.

"Don't worry," said Vesper, "I'm not into any weird stuff. Well, unless I get bored." Her face changed to a sultry expression. "...And it's been a slow month." Watcher whimpered.

"Well," I said as I walked towards the exit, "I'll leave you to sort out the details. I'm gonna go eat cake. See you later, Vesper."

"See you, Celestia. Time for me to have some fun!"

Author's Notes:

The Sandwich Terrorist returns!

---

I love writing chapters like these!

---

The new story is taking longer than expected since holding back the urge to make stupid jokes and situations is hard.
It'll still be posted soon, just a little later than expected.

The Last Roundup

Suddenly, everything exploded.

"Cloud?" Asked a familiar voice.

"My butt hurts..." I moaned into the floor.

"Your butt? Wait, what's that stuff leaking ou- Oh. OH. WHAT?!" I fell unconscious again.

I woke up in my bed in my room in the library. It seemed to about midday. Looking to my left, I could see a few letters. I picked up the top one and brought it to my face.

Cloud,

What the buck?! Where the buck have you been?! Why was that in your butt?!

WHY DID THE DNA TEST SHOW THAT IT WAS YOURS?!

Tell me as soon as you wake up!

Vesper.

P.S: If you hear my bitch crying, don't go in my room.

I have a feeling I've been gone for longer than an hour to them. Wait, Vesper has a bitch now? I rubbed my eyes and grabbed the next letter.

Cloud,

YOU HAD ONE JOB!

Signed,

Princess Celestia.

P.S: So are you or are you not... Y'know...
The state we found you in doesn't leave much to the imagination.

I facehoofed. I really shouldn't have done that butt-stuff with myself. It wasn't even fun. At least I know I'm definitely straight. Yeah, but the others think the opposite. Crap. I grabbed the next letter.

Dear Cloud,

How was your trip to Prance? Did you get me or the girls anything?

You missed my birthday, you owe me a present!

Signed,

Twilight Sparkle.

P.S: Spike here, you also missed mine.

Celestia probably lied about where I was. I picked up the final letter.

Cloud Calculation,

We have heard of you recent encounters with a stallion and wish to invite you to a late night 'discussion' in the Canterlot Castle this Saturday.

Waiting eagerly for your reply,

Princess Luna.

Wait, why is she interested now that everypony thinks I'm gay? I'm not sure, it doesn't make sense. Well, unless she has... A...

I'm gonna pretend I didn't just think of that...

I climbed out of bed and made my way downstairs. Twilight was sitting on the sofa, reading a book. She turned at the sound of me approaching and smiled.

"Hello, Cloud," she greeted. "How was your nap?"

"Hey, Twilight," I replied. "I slept fine."

"Did you get me anything from Prance?" She asked eagerly.

"Uh... No, sorry. I didn't know it was your or Spike's birthday."

"Aw..."

"Um, how long was I gone for...?" She gave me a confused look.

"What do you mean?" Actually, it'd probably be better to ask Vesper.

"Nevermind. Where's Vesper?" Twilight got an awkward look on her face.

"She... Um... She's... In her room..."

"What's wrong?"

"You'll see..." I trotted over to the door to the basement. Before I could open it, I heard a strange sound from inside. Is that a stallion crying? I remembered what Vespers letter had said. I'm gonna come back later... I went back up to my room, filled a small bag with some drachmas, then went down to the front door.

"Where are you going, Cloud?" Asked Twilight from behind me.

"I'm gonna try to exchange some drachmas for bits. It's easier than doing some jobs and I have pretty much all the money I could ever need."

"How many bits are all of the drachmas you have worth?"

"About twenty thousand, give or take a few hundred for stuff we bought in Bullgium." I heard the sound of Twilight's jaw hitting the floor.

"What?! How much?!"

"Twenty thousand-ish." I left the library and headed for Town Hall.

Rainbow Dash was hanging up a banner-thing to the front of Town Hall. A sudden bolt of lightning broke her concentration, causing her to quickly dodge. The bolt singed the end of her tail.

"Now, careful, Derpy!" She exclaimed in an annoyed tone to a grey pegasus above her. "You don't want to cause any more damage than you've already done." The roof of the building collapsed. The grey mare apparently called 'Derpy' started bouncing on a cloud happily.

"I just don't know what went wrong!" Sang Derpy before she cloud she stood on exploded into electricity.

"Yeah, it's a mystery."

"Hey, Rainbow!" I called out as I got closer. Rainbow looked towards me and grinned.

"Hey, Cloud!" She called back, slamming a nail into the banner with her hoof.

"Nice work, Rainbow Dash!" Said Derpy, flying backwards and bumping into a support beam. The beam's lower parts exploded, sending it falling towards the floor. I grabbed it with telekinesis and cast a repair spell, fixing it back where it was before.

"Do you need any help with that?!" I asked, summoning a Support Circle and flying up to her so we wouldn't have to shout.

"Nah, we're pretty much done now."

"Okay, I'll just fix the roof then." I lifted the broken parts of the roof back to their place and cast a repair spell. "What's all this for, anyway?" Rainbow pointed to a nearby crowd with the Mayor and Applejack on a stage. "Huh. Didn't notice them."

"Applejack's doing a rodeo thing to pay for repairs on Town Hall."

"I'm gonna go say hello."

"Okay." I flew down to them and dismissed the Circle as I landed on the stage.

"'Sup, bitcheeeees?" The crowd stared at me angrily.

"...As I was saying," continued the Mayor, "I want to thank Applejack in advance for generously offering up her prize money to fix Town Hall."

"You mean the Town Hall I just fixed for free?" The crowd, the Mayor and Applejack looked towards the building in question. There was an awkward silence. "Well, I'm bored. If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go and see if my daughter from the future has finished torturing her bitch in the basement with kinky stuff. See ya!" I teleported back to the library. I arrived just as Vesper happily trotted out of the basement. She spotted me and grinned.

"Hey, Dad!" She greeted cheerily, waving.

"Hey, Vesper. So... You have a bitch now?" She nodded.

"Yep! Celestia gave him to me as a reward for stopping a terrorist."

"Oh. Okay. So how have you been? Also how long was I gone? For me it was only an hour."

"I've been good. My bitch really makes my days better. Especially when I bring out the whips."

"Okay, one; plural?"

"Yep. What was two?"

"Too much information."

"Nice wordplay."

"Thanks."

"Anyway, you've been gone for about a month. Not much happened."

"Nothing? At all?"

"Well, Discord escaped, the Sandwich Terrorist returned and apparently you got bucked in the ass."

"Actually I was fucked in the ass. Bucking is only ever used for tree kicking. It's annoying how many Ponies get that mixed up. Though it's kinda strange how it's cursing, but then again 'fuck' would be just as weird."

"Let's go back to the part where you were fucked in the ass."

"Okay."

"So...?"

"I went into the past but ended up in this ethereal place with the alternate version of me. He still existed and did all the stuff I needed to do for me, which was very convenient. It didn't look like either of us were leaving soon so we talked for a while, but talking to yourself gets boring quickly so I asked me if I wanted to bang myself and I said yes."

"Oh. How was it?"

"I can confirm that I'm straight and that butt-stuff is unpleasant." Vesper sported a lewd grin.

"Not if you're doing it right..."

"And right back to too much information." Vesper dropped the grin and coughed.

"Right, sorry." Right at that moment, a Pegasus with a dark grey coat and dark blue mane limped up the stairs of the basement.

"I assume he's your bitch?" Vesper turned to see who I was talking about.

"Yep, he's my bitch." The bitch limped over to us.

"Hey, Cloud Calculation," I greeted, holding out a hoof, "savior of Magi, destroyer of reality, self butt-stuffer."

"Sight Watcher," he replied, shaking my hoof. "We've met before."

"Have we?"

"At G three. I told you to go to the Princess."

"Oh yeah..." There was an awkward silence. "So I hear you're my daughter's bitch?"

"She's your daughter? But she only looks about five years younger than you."

"Time travel, multiverse, it's a long story."

"Really?"

"No."

"Oh." There was another awkward silence.

"Welp, I'm gonna go and get some toast.." I trotted into the kitchen just as Toasty dropped some toast onto a plate. "Thanks, Toasty."

We were in a barn at Applejack's place preparing a surprise party for her. After spiking the punch I stared off into the distance for about ten minutes, thinking about how much I regretted the butt-stuff. Suddenly, everypony gasped. I started paying attention again. Twilight was reading a letter.

"'...Don't worry, will send money soon,'" she read. "That's all there is!" I leaned over to Vesper.

"What happened?" I asked quietly.

"Applejack's left."

"Oh." Vesper stepped into the centre of the room.

"Everypony stay calm! She's supposed to be in Dodge, right?" Twilight nodded. "Give me two hours and a shovel."

"Why do you need a shovel?" Asked Twilight.

"I'm gonna see how my sex slave is later with a shovel up his ass." Good thing Watcher's not here to hear about that. Maybe not; if expected butt-stuff was bad, imagine how bad surprise butt-stuff would be. I don't want to...

Vesper got Applejack back within two hours like she said, and that night the library was filled with screams of the damned.

Author's Notes:

Four hours till Back To The Future Year in England!

Saturday Night

Hey, Lu- I mean, Princess Luna.

Greetings, Mr Calculation.

Just Cloud's fine. So why did you want to see me?

Follow us to my chambers and I'll show you...

(Please don't be what I thought about earlier...)

OH, REALTA! WHAT THE BUCK IS THAT?!

H-Help me...

He is my pet. He has been rather cranky lately, so I would ask you to help him 'relieve some stress', if you know what we mean.

BUCK NO! I DON'T THINK THIS IS EVEN LEGAL!

Since when has law slowed you down?

Okay, fair point. But still; NO!

Why not? I thought you were...

You thought I was what?

Y'know... A meat handler...

That is the worst term for gay I've ever heard. And I'm not gay!

Kill... Me...

Oh yeah, that thing. What is it?

You don't want to know.

Fine. Anyway, I'm not banging this... Thing.

I could, er, 'help you out', so to say...

What do you mean?

With this...

WHAT?! NO! NO!

What?! I thought you'd like it!

SO MUCH NOPE! I'M OUTTA HERE!

Aw... Come back soon?

NO!

Author's Notes:

A little bonus chapter for some sort of closure on the the letter Luna sent him.

The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 (Musical Special!)

I was helping Big Mac and his family make cider for a thing that was apparently a big deal. He'd asked for my help because they never make enough and Applejack is such a stubborn bitch that she would never ask for help. It only took a couple of hours to make enough barrels for the entire town, plus a few extra.

"Thanks, Cloud," thanked Mac, as I prepared to fly back to the library. I was carrying a barrel of cider that he'd given to me as payment.

"No problem," I replied. "I'd have done it faster, but transmutation doesn't change flavours."

"Ah don' know wha' tha' is, but okay." I flew back to the library and got some sleep.

I was taking a walk when I happened upon the Apple family's stall for the cider. Suddenly, a big train thingy pulled up next to it and two Ponies from out of town hopped off and started singing to music that spontaneously started. Because why would anything else happen?

"Well, lookie what we got here, brother of mine, it's the same in every town," sang the one without a stache. "Ponies with thirsty throats, dry tongues, and not a drop of cider to be found. Maybe they're not aware that there's really no need for this teary despair."

"That the key that they need to solve this sad cider shortage you and I will share!" Sang the stache faced one. The audience (consisting of the entire town) started squealing in excitement.

"Well you've got opportunity, in this very community!"

"He's Flim,"

"He's Flam,"

"We're the world famous Flim Flam Brothers! Traveling sales-ponies nonpareil!"

"Non-pa-what?" Asked Pinkie.

"Nonpareil, and that's exactly the reason why, you see! Nopony else in this whole place will give you such a chance to be where you need to be! And that's a new world, with tons of cider, fresh squeezed and ready for drinking!"

"More cider than you could drink in all your days of thinking!"

"I doubt that," stated Rainbow. It was at this point when Vesper flew into the area where they were singing and dancing.

"Would you both shut up for me please?" Sang Vesper. "Before I brake all of your knees!"

"She will," I stated.

"She can," added Watcher.

"'Cause I'm bucked up like my mother!"

"A sociopath who is nonpareil."

"Before you do that, let me tell you, about our mode of transport."

"I say, our mode of locomotion!"

"And I suppose by now you're wondering, where is this promised cider?"

"Any Horse can make a claim and any Pony can do the same..."

"But my brother and I have something most unique and superb! Unseen at any time in this big new world!"

"And that's opportunity!"

"Folks, it's the one and only, the biggest and the best!"

"The unbelievable!"

"Unimpeachable!"

"Indispensable!"

"I'm-gonna-break-your-knees-able!"

"Flim Flam Brothers' Super Speedy Cider- ARGH! ARGH! MY LEGS!"

"Holy buck, you snapped his legs!"

"I warned you, you hairy faced sleaze! Now I've broken your brothers knees!"

"She warned you, man, now we'll see if Cloud can, heal your brother's legs so he can again stand, but this time; heed her warning." They suddenly stopped singing on tune, probably for the bridge.

"Young filly, you are messed up beyond belief!" Exclaimed Flim. "What in Celestia's name is wrong with you?!"

"No, really, stop pissing her off," I warned him. "It won't be your legs she breaks next time."

"You're right!" Exclaimed Flam. "It'll be rocks in the prison I'll have her sent to!" The audience started singing.

"Servitudity! To the community!"

"Sorry, Flim."

"Sorry, Flam."

"You're becoming spam."

"To show all of these Ponies what happens when you insult her."

"Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!"

"It's too late, my friends."

"The fun begins!" I broke tune to say a quick warning.

"Now, here's where some murder's gonna happen. Anypony that's sensitive to seeing that sort of thing should run away now, it's gonna get messy. If anypony ever talks to her badly, Vesper will attack you. If you're going to watch, keep that in mind and stay quiet. Although, why would you want to watch this anyway? I don't even know."

"Those broken legs were a sneak peek!"

"Now wait, you youngins, hold it!" Sang Granny Smith. "You went and over-told it! I guarantee that what you have there won't compare, to what you have been sayin' an' makin' us prayin'-"

"Shut up, you greenish mare! Neither of us really care!"

"Now, brother, I'm glad you brought that up, good chap, I say I'm glad you brought that up. You see that we are very tricky when it comes to threats, they'll soon be shutting up."

"Sorry, Sirs, sorry, Ma'am, but Vesper can brake all your bones and make you spam."

"So what d'ya say then, brothers? Want to put me to the test? To see if I'll kill all the Ponies that insult me and then maybe leave the rest?!"

"What do you think, folks? Do you think that Vesper can't? I see it clear as day! I know she can! So does he! C'mon, Ponyville, you know what I'm talking about!"

"We're saying she will brake all of your knees, then piss on what you use to see!"

"I will and can!"

"'Cause she's bucked up like her mother!"

"I'm a sociopath that is nonpareil!"

"ARGH!"

The three of us took a bow, stepped over the bloody carcases of the sales-ponies, and headed back to the library.

Author's Notes:

I don't even know

Putting Your Hoof Down (Multi POV)

I was in the market to do some grocery shopping. Why is life inbetween the cults, the evil Gods and time travel so boring? And why hasn't Celestia sent me a letter about what she found out from the Lieutenant yet? I caught him a while ago now. I spotted Fluttershy getting hassled by the asparagus stand. I may as well help her. It's not like anything that's actually interesting will happen any time soon. Hint, hint, God-Horse! Why am I doing that? It's likely she spies on brainwaves. I'd argue, but this is the Princonspiricess. I walked over to Fluttershy and the two Ponies hassling her.

"...Seriously, do you need your asparagus so badly?" Asked one of the teenagers hassling Fluttershy. "Get a life."

"Who shoved a shovel up your ass?" I asked them. They looked at me disgusted.

"Like, what are talking about?! That's, like, so disgusting!"

"Ponies get sassy and bitchy when they have a shovel up their ass. Trust me, I'd know, my daughter's weird."

"Get, like, away from us, you creep!"

"Why don't you learn Equestrian before you try to talk?"

"Oh my Celestia, is he, like, actually trying to, like, argue with us?"

"Oh my Celestia, I, like, think he is," replied the other teenager.

"Hey, you, like, creep, why don't you away or we'll, like, get you arrested!"

"Hm..." I pretended to think about it. "Nah!"

"Fine! Hey, everypony!" She called out to the rest of the shoppers. "This creep is, like, threatening us!" A Policemare walked over to us, looking angry. Her expression softened when she saw me.

"Oh, hey, Cloud," greeted Lawn Order.

"Hey, Lawn."

"Hey! Policemare, what are you doing?! Like, arrest him already!" Demanded the main teenager.

"So how have you and Vesper been lately?" Asked Lawn, ignoring the teenager.

"We've been good," I replied. "Vesper is going out a lot more. I still don't really have any reason to work, so I don't."

"Fair enough. It would really help if you did though, you do things so much better than most Ponies."

"Aw, you flatter me!" We shared a quick laugh.

"Anyway, I'd better get back to patrol. That promotion will be mine someday!"

"Alright, see you later." Lawn Order walked off. Now then, what was I doing? Oh right. I turned back to the teenagers. "Buck off." I trotted off to continue my shopping.

I teleported into the library, carrying bags of bread and cheese. It didn't look like anypony was in. I put the shopping away and looked through the mail. Bill... Junk... Bill... Bill... If this 'Bill' guy doesn't stop sending letters I'm gonna- Wait, what's this? There was a leaflet for an 'assertiveness seminar', whatever that was. May as well, not like there's anything else to do.

Vesper came up from the basement. She noticed me, smiled and walked over.

"Hey, Dad," she greeted.

"Hey, Vesper," I replied.

"What are you looking at?"

"There's a thingy happening at some point. I'm gonna go 'cause I'm bored."

"Okay. Bye." I walked towards the front door and summoned a Support Circle.

"Bye. Don't kill anypony while I'm gone."

"I'll try, but no promises." I sighed.

"See you later, Vesper." I flew off.

I woke up in the library the next day after being disappointed from the seminar. I trotted downstairs to find that everypony else had either already left or were doing various sex acts in the basement. After deciding that I didn't want to listen to screams and explosions while I ate, I headed towards Sugarcube Corner to eat somewhere more peaceful.

As I arrived, Fluttershy was yelling at an Earth Pony for something. Weird. I guess the seminar worked for some. Yeah. It still sucked though. At least racism has died down enough so that Minotaurs can do their thing with more peace. It's pretty great! It makes me feel like going through all that crazy time travel shit wasn't for nothing. Ponies are being less racist!

"Looks like that monster's workshop really paid off!" Exclaimed Pinkie to Fluttershy. ARE YOU BUCKING KIDDING ME?! I teleported to the counter and grabbed Pinkie with telekinesis.

"PINKIE!" I screamed in her face. "BUCK YOU!"

"C-Cloud? What's wrong?"

"BUCK YOU, YOU PIECE OF EQUINE TRASH! OH, YOU WANNA SEE EVERYBODY AND PONY SMILE?!" Pinkie's eyes started to tear up.

"Y-You're starting to s-scare me..." I quickly cast a spell to mimic the Royal Canterlot voice.

"THEN STOP BEING BUCKING RACIST!"

"B-But-"

"YEAH, BUTTS! NOW THAT WE'RE ON THE BUCKING SUBJECT, LET'S TALK ABOUT HOW I TRIED TO STOP YOU BEING RACIST THE LAST BUCKING TIME! LET'S BUCKING SEE: I WENT INSANE AND KILLED SHIT, I DESTROYED THE UNIVERSE SO THAT YOU AND THE OTHERS, MY FRIENDS, COULD SURVIVE, I EVEN GOT FUCKED IN THE BUCKING ASS TO TRY AND STOP RACISM! BUT NO, YOU'VE GOTTA PUT ALL MY BUCKING WORK TO WASTE!"

"Cloud!" Shouted Rarity, who I just noticed. "Stop this! What would the Princess think of your horrendous actions?!"

"GOOD IDEA, RARIBITCH! I'VE TRIED BEING THE HERO, VILLAIN AND EVEN THE BUCKING DIPLOMAT FOR BUCKING ONCE, BUT YEAH, WE SHOULD ASK GOD-HORSE WHO'S IN THE WRONG!" I summoned a Support Circle. "TALLY BUCKING HO, MOTHER BUCKER!" I flew to Canterlot with Pinkie still in my grip.

I was enjoying my midday tea. My sun was shining, problems were at a minimum and I had so much peace since I shipped Watcher off as a sex slave. Looking out of the window, I could see my kingdom in a peace it had not been in for a long time.

The information I'd gotten out of the Lieutenant wasn't anything I could have fun with for a while, so that was out. Luna was too bored to help me fake a national crisis, so I couldn't do that either. My only hope for some fun was if Cloud Calculation got himself into another predicament. At that moment out of the corner of my eye, I saw him flying towards the castle at a pretty impressive speed. Cloud was on his way. I grinned. Right on cue. I opened up the window for him and waited a few minutes for him to arrive. Eventually, he reached the castle and landed in the middle of the room. I noticed he was carrying one of Twilight's friends.

"Hello, Cloud," I greeted him, "how lovely to see you on such short notice. How deep is the shit you're in today?" Cloud was gasping for breath.

"CELESTIA!" He shouted, his breath ragged.

"Yes?"

"I... I'VE GOTTA... HUH... JEEZ, FLYING IS TOUGH," he somehow managed to say normally while still shouting. The pink mare that he held sobbed quietly.

"I know, right? Flying with wings is a lot better, but still, whew! It still takes a lot out of you."

"TELL ME ABOUT IT... UGH... HUH... GIMME A SEC... HUH... HUH..."

"Hang on for a moment, would you please?"

"SURE." I sent a psychic message to one of my slaves butlers, Back Scratcher, to bring up an Energy Rejuvenation Potion.

"I just sent an order for a potion to help you out."

"THANKS A LOT, I REALLY APPRECIATE THAT... HUH..."

"Really, it's no problem, you did just fly across the countryside up to a mountain city after all. And from the looks of things you were already burning through lots of energy through shouting. And the air's pretty thin up here too. In fact, I'm surprised you can even stand, let alone still shout and use magic."

"WELL YOU KNOW HOW IT IS, FIGHTING REALLY BUILDS UP YOUR ENDURANCE."

"I can second that. Although, pray tell, why are you still shouting?"

"I DON'T WANT MY JUDGEMENT TO BECOME LESS CLOUDED, OTHERWISE I'LL STOP BEING ANGRY AND THEN THIS WHOLE JOURNEY WOULD HAVE BEEN POINTLESS."

"Ah, yes. I know about loosing my moxie all too well." My slave butler entered the room with the potion balanced nicely on a silver platter. I gave it to Cloud with telekinesis and than motioned Scratcher to buck off. "Drink up, Cloud, you'll feel a lot better."

"OKAY. THANKS AGAIN. ALSO THANKS FOR NOT JUST KICKING ME OUT, I KNOW POLITICS AND SHIT PROBABLY KEEPS YOU BUSY." I waved a hoof dismissively as he started drinking.

"Nah, I just let the mortals deal with that rabble." He finished the potion and carefully placed it on a nearby table. I took a sip of my tea.

"WHEW! THAT IS A LOT BETTER. I'VE GOTTA GET ZECORA TO MAKE ME SOME OF THOSE."

"Is that your potion brewing friend that made Astral-Ass start the whole paradox ordeal?"

"YEP. THAT'S HER. AND SPEAKING OF THE PARADOX, THAT'S WHAT I ACTUALLY CAME HERE TO TALK ABOUT."

"Oh, really?"

"YEP. YOU KNOW WHAT, I MIGHT STOP SHOUTING NOW, MY THROAT IS STARTING TO ACHE AND THE ANGER'S ALREADY WORN OFF ANYWAY."

"Fair enough." Cloud coughed.

"Yeah, that's better. Anyway, so you know all about the paradox and how it started because the girls were being racist, right?"

"Indeed."

"Well, yesterday there was this assertiveness seminar thing that I decided to go to because life in between death battles and the fate of the universe and all that gets kinda boring, y'know?"

"Trust me, I know it even better than you do. A thousand years of peace? More like a thousand years of sitting around and being bored. That's actually why I left the Elements of Harmony back at my old castle, they had become so useless to me that I didn't even need them anymore. Then Luna took me off guard with a sneak attack return, and you arrived from an alternate universe and yadda yadda yadda."

"Yeah. The seminar was being run by this Minotaur, and while the seminar itself was boring, he had a good taste in music. So today I wake up all happy that racism is getting better, and I'm feeling all good because it's like all the stuff I went through bore fruit."

"Okay."

"Vesper's making a racket in the basement, so I go to Sugarcube for a change of scenery. Fluttershy had obviously gone to the seminar as well, because she's doing some stuff that the guy was talking about and yelling at Ponies and stuff. I see that, and I'm really happy, the stuff I was thinking about earlier was really showing."

"That's pretty nice, but I don't see how it connects to this situation."

"Oh ho, you will, my God-Horse, you will. Pinkie's at the counter and she sees it as well. And do you know what she says?"

"What?"

"'Looks like that monster's workshop really paid off'."

"Whoah-whoah-whoah! She said what?!"

"I know, right?! So I go right up to her and have this huge rant, then Raribitch is all like; 'Cloud you're being to harsh! What would Celestia say?!' And I'm all like; 'Good question! Let's find out!' Then I grabbed the pink racist and flew here and... Well, that's it really." My mouth was agape from shock. What?! I knew they were a little judgmental, but I never thought it would be this bad!

"She wants to know what I have to say, does she? Well, I'll tell it to her face! Power me up with an Arcane Circle because screw flying." Cloud summoned an Arcane Circle beneath me and fed me it's power. I could feel my magic potential increasing by the second. "Woah! We've gotta have some fun with this power up stuff later! Anyway, to Ponyville!" I charged up a huge amount of energy in my horn and teleported us to the middle of Ponyville.

Dear mental diary,

Today I learned that Celestia is a bro, and I should really give her more credit. She's pretty damn awesome when she's pissed. Her flames rival even Vesper's!

Signed;

Cloud.

What am I doing? Why do I even bother asking anymore? Life is boring and this all I have don't take it away from me. Aw, okay. Sorry for always chewing me out on that. It's okay, I only had good intentions.

Author's Notes:

So this happened.

---

Lawn Order.
Law n Order.
Law N' Order.

It's About Even More Time

I walked up the stairs of the library and came to the door of my room. I feel weird... I opened my door. Rainbow was lying in my bed, wearing socks. She looked at me suggestively. Um... She winked and beckoned me closer.

"Come here, big boy," demanded Rainbow, "I wanna see if both your horns are that big and hard."

"Uh... W-What?"

"You can't let other versions of you have all the fun..."

"I, uh..."

"Why don't you come over here? I'll stroke more than just your ego!"

"T-This... I don't even- What?" She stood up and silkily trotted over to me, wrapping her forehooves around my neck.

"I wanna see if I can clear this Cloud in ten seconds flat..."

"I-I need an adult!"

"I am an adult..." She leaned in closer an-

An explosion from downstairs woke me up. Oh, it was just a dream. Stupid, sexy Rainbow... I climbed out of bed, just in time for another explosion from across the room. When the lights cleared, another me was visible.

"Oh for buck's sake, not again," I groaned.

"Don't worry, I'm only from next week," explained future me.

"What is it this time?"

"Twilight's future self has gone into the past to today to tell your Twilight to not panic, but your Twilight kept interrupting her and she ended up being the reason she was panicking in the first place." I facehoofed.

"Dammit, Twilight. Do you not know the first rule of time travel? Don't cut yourself off!"

"Yeah. Anyway, because my magic's stronger than hers, I can stay here for a much longer time."

"Oh, good."

"This spell only works once, but it's kinda crap and you're better off getting God-Horse to send you wherever."

"Okay."

"A bunch of weird shit will happen, but just stick with your logic and you'll be fine."

"Since when did I have logic?" Future me laughed.

"I know, right? Oh, and Luna was responsible for that dream, and if you don't stop her now she'll keep making you have them."

"Bucking Luna and her bucking pet thing..."

"That's pretty much all I need to tell you, so I'm gonna go."

"Okay. Be you later." Future me exploded into magic and disappeared. My first priority should be stopping Luna. I headed downstairs. The front door was wide open, probably from Twilight. I went into the kitchen. Toasty saw me and flew ahead of me to make me toast. "Thanks, Toasty."

"Who."

"You mean who was with me upstairs? Future Me. Again."

"Whew."

"I know, time travel is tiring. There's never any relaxing with it, you know what I mean?"

"Yes."

"What?"

"Who."

"Did you just- Nah, probably my imagination." I ate my toast and then went back into the main room to write a note for Vesper explaining that I was going to Canterlot for the day. I stuck it to her door and went outside to the KGBNRB.

Wait, if Twilight went back in time to tell herself to not worry, and she only did that because future her told her to not worry, why did she go back the first time? What do I mean? It's like with my paradox; I went back in time to change something and then made sure that past me went into the past to stabilise the time stream. It changed the future but still made me go back for different reasons. So what happened to the first Twilight that went back? Why did she make herself worry? That's a good point. I should keep that in mind for anything that comes up in the next week or so.

I burst into the castle.

"Celestia!" I called out. "Where's your sister?" Celestia popped into existence in front of me.

"Hello, Cloud," she greeted. "Why do you want to know where Luna is?"

"Payback."

"What?"

"Last night, she made my dreams very, very awkward."

"How do you know it was her and not just a random dream?"

"Another future me appeared to tell me." Celestia groaned.

"Another one? What is it with you and time travel?"

"I don't know, maybe I pissed off a time god in my original universe. Anyway, where's Luna?"

"That depends."

"On what?"

"How you're going to get revenge on her."

"I... Don't know yet..." Celestia grinned.

"In that case, I have a great idea for you."

"What?" Celestia told me some seemingly useless information. "So?"

"So..." Celestia told me her plan. I grinned evilly.

"That's a brilliant idea!"

"I know, right?! I've just never had a good chance to do it!"

"This is gonna be awesome! I'll be back in twelve hours or so!"

"See you then!" I went back to the KGBNRB and headed back to Ponyville.

I arrived just as a giant, demonic, three-headed dog leapt into town square and roared. Huh, what a coincidence. How do I fight it? Flesh and fur are easy to get through with magic bolts. It's a bit big, but if I coat all three heads in sleeping gas it should be taken out. I'll have to stun it first, so consider using electrical attacks.

"What is that thing?!" Asked Spike, who was conveniently a few meters away.

"That's Cerberus!" Explained Twilight who was also conveniently a few meters away. He's supposed to be guarding the gates of Tar-tar-us! But if he's here, then all the ancient evil creatures that have been imprisoned there could escape and destroy Equestria!"

"Dammit, Twilight!" I shouted as I flew towards the Cerberus on a Support Circle. "It's pronounced Tartarus! You sound bucking stupid when you say it like that!" Cerberus roared again. I picked up a nearby abandoned house with telekinesis (why was it there you ask? Because taxes suck), set it on fire and threw it at him. The force of it knocked him off his feet, but the fire didn't do anything because the house exploded before it could. I have no idea why it exploded. It just sort of did. While he was still knocked down, I smothered Cerberus's heads with sleeping gas, taking him out. I flew down to Twilight. "Get on the Circle."

"Why?"

"'Cause I need to take him back to Tartarus and I don't know where it is."

"Oh. Okay." Twilight stepped onto the Circle as I picked up Cerberus with telekinesis. "Go west." I started flying west.

After flying back to Ponyville and driving back to Canterlot, Celestia prepared to send me into past. After telling her that future me had used my own spell, she told me to just lie to past me. She knew which spell I had said I used, but that it would be better if I saved it for when I really needed it.

When I returned, Celestia helped me exact my revenge on Luna.

Author's Notes:

I didn't go into detail about Cloud's revenge because I'm lazy a future me exploded into my room and told me that I needed to not write about it. Also, to say tha- Wait, did he take my wallet?

He took my bucking wallet!

That bucking asshole!

I'd better go into the past and warn past me that future him will steal his wallet. Or maybe just distract him with excuses and then steal his.

Wait, what was I supposed to be talking about?

Dragon Quest Part 1 (Vesper's POV)

I was relaxing in a field watching Applejack, Pinkie and Watcher dig a hole. None of them were using shovels since my bitch now had phobia of them. Apparently, shoving the bladed end of a shovel up a Pony's ass doesn't result in better sexy times. The more you know!

Spike was making snacks back at the library and Dad was with the others who were trying to get Fluttershy to get face to face with one of her phobias, because they're good friends and like to see her tortured. Actually, Dad might be trying to stop them. We were going to watch a Dragon migration that was happening. There wasn't much more to say or think about it. I could see Dad and the others making their way back from Fluttershy's cottage, unsurprisingly without her. Rarity wasn't with them either.

It was strange having your Father be an alien from an alternate universe. Sure, through my childhood he visited every few years, but the version of him I'd ended up with was before he'd even slept with Mom, so he didn't have any proper, Fatherly, emotional attachment to me yet. It was especially weird being in the alternate universe that he lived in, making us both aliens since he didn't originate from this one either.

"Ya know," started the farm Pony in the hole, "ya could use ya fancy magic t' help us ou' here."

"Said the Pony who insisted that you'd all be fine without shovels," I retorted, stretching out my back.

"Tha's no' the-"

"Dammit, Applejack, I said to not bother digging a hole!" Called Dad as he came closer to the hole. "It only takes a few seconds with magic!"

"Well tha's wha' Ah wus tryin' to tell Vesper 'ere, bu' she wouldn' listen!"

"Did you say something to her about not needing shovels to dig a hole?!"

"Well, yeah, bu'-!"

"Then it's your own fault!" Dad and the others finally reached the semi-hole that had been dug. After a quick flash from his horn, Dad teleported the dirt and rocks in the general area in front of him away, creating a trench. "There, see? Easy."

Everypony except Dad, Watcher and I changed into camo clothes and got into the trench. Twilight, Applejack and Pinkie started watching the sky with binoculars and talking amongst themselves. I didn't really care so I went to talk with Dad, who was standing around and staring off into space as he tended to do.

"So what happened with Fluttershy?" I asked, breaking him out of his trance.

"They all tried to force her to go," he replied. "I just watched."

"Why do we need a trench anyway?"

"So we don't get attacked."

"Who cares if we get attacked? We can take out any number of them!"

"Yeah, and destroy the ecosystem while we're at it."

"How did you two get so strong that you can just casually talk about fighting a horde of dragons?" Asked Watcher.

"Well," I started, "Cloud and Sky are both mega powerful for reasons I can't say. Actually, I only know Sky's reasons, Cloud's are probably different. Anyway, mix the genes of two mega powerful Ponies and multiply it by them being so similar to each other, and you get the sexiest, most badass Pony to walk the multiverse."

"Even if Sky's past is different," stated Dad, "you still probably shouldn't tell me about it. Just to be safe."

"I know, that's why I..." A strange feeling coursing through me caused me to trail off. It felt tingly, just like when I used a lot of magic. My vision started to fade and suddenly felt exhausted. "I... I don't feel so good..." I tried to take a step forward, only to stumble.

"What's wrong?" Asked Dad in a concerned voice.

"I... Don't know... I'm freaking out here, man..."

"What's happening to you?" As my vision faded more and more, I started to panic.

"I-I don't know!" My vision faded completely and I fell to the floor. "Help... Dad..."

My consciousness mimicked my vision, and all thought faded away.

Author's Notes:

What could be wrong with Vesper?!
You'll have to wait extra long to find out, because as a 50th chapter special, the next chapter will be a Q&A.

Wanna know the size of Clouds butt-hole?
Wanna know what Watcher does when Vesper's not abusing him?
Leave any and all questions in the comments below!

50th Chapter Special (Q&A)

Author's Notes:

A Q&A special thing because woo fifty chapters!

Cloud stopped and looked around himself, confused. Where am I?

"You're in the land of Not A Projectile Weapon!" I answered loudly, making Cloud jump in surprise.

"What the buck?!" He exclaimed, spotting me. "Did you just read my mind?!" I nodded.

"Yes."

"Oh. Okay. So... Where did you say I am?"

"The land of Not A Projectile Weapon. Also known as Non-Canon."

"Very clever."

"Thank you."

"Wait, if you're a bug thing, why am I not freaking out?"

"That's a good question. You see; while it would be fun to have you freak out, your reaction would spoil how you're going to react when you see my kind in a later chapter."

"'A later chapter'?"

"Yes. You are a character that I made in a fan fiction. This is bonus chapter." Cloud immediately understood.

"Fair enough, multiverse and all that. Why did I understand that so quickly?"

"Because I wrote that you did."

"When?"

"Right now, see?" Cloud looked to my right and saw my left forehoof had been transformed into a fleshy, talon-like thing and was pressing different buttons on a long, plastic thing covered in letters. In front of the long thing was some sort of window, showing words being formed as I pressed buttons.

"How are you making the words immediately as they're relevant?"

"I'm not typing what's happening, things happen as I type."

"What happens if you stop making words?"

"Everything will revert back to how it was for you and you won't remember any of this."

"Wait a minute, if you're typing what's happening, then I'm not under any control of what I'm saying and doing?!"

"Pretty much."

"But wait! If I'm not in control, how am I asking these things?! HA! YOU CAN'T ANSWER THAT ONE, CAN YOU?!"

"You're asking because I wrote that you did."

"O-OH REALTA! I'M NOT IN ANY CONTROL OF ANYTHING! AGH! AGH!" Cloud ran around, screaming his lungs out.

A few hours later...

"Are you better now?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. BUT ONLY BECAUSE YOU'RE MAKING ME FINE! AGH! AGH!"

A few more hours later...

Cloud munched on his Snickers happily, wagging his tail.

"Better?"

"Yeah, thanks."

"Good. I even made a reference out of it."

"Why did you make me freak out in the first place?"

"Padding."

"Okay."

"Anyway, let's move onto what this bonus chapter is about: This is the fiftieth chapter in my story 'The Quest For The Past', the longest and most successful story I've ever written."

"Hang on, it says on your user page that this is your only story," pointed out Vesper, who was lying on the ground using a laptop.

"Vesper?" Asked Cloud. "What are you doing here?"

"Non-canon plot convenience."

"Oh, okay."

"As I was saying, what do you mean by longest and most successful? This is the only one here."

"Well you see, my dear sociopath, a kinda long time ago, when I was a very, very stupid thirteen year old and was relatively new to the fandom, I wrote my first story. It was shit. So incredibly shit. Clichés and teen angst dripping from the the brim of liquid shit. I soon deleted it. A few months later, I tried again. It was better, but still shit. Then that was deleted as well. A few more months later I tried yet again, and managed to make a story that was at least passable to the me of now. Unfortunately, I was stupid and wasted the potential that the story contained. There were a few more, but, while they did get better each time, they were all still shit.

"But then! During about eight months of nothing, I suddenly became not stupid! And then the next thing I wrote wasn't enormously terrible. Still bad enough for me to regret it and delete it, but still a thing. Then I suddenly knew a decent bit about grammar and other things that a fifteen year old that only speaks English should know by default. I knew that I had to do something good with this sudden burst of knowledge, so I started planning 'The Quest For The Forgotten', which was then changed to 'The Quest For The Repressed', which was finally changed to 'The Quest For The Past'.

"Originally, it was going to be about a stallion named Cloud Conundrum, who was supposed to be a very serious character, waking up in a field with none of his memories and going into the main town of the show I was writing about and solving all of the problems in simple and blunt ways. About halfway through I decided, 'meh, fuck it', and rewrote the entire thing into comedy and changed his name to Cloud Calculation. It was a complete success and so I stuck to having fun with writing.

"And now, just before turning sixteen, I've reached chapter fifty, I'm extremely happy with where it's going and things are just awesome in general."

"Jeez, you didn't have to tell us your bucking life story."

"Eat a dick, Vesper."

"I would, but you didn't bring my sex slave in here with me."

"Anyway, let's move onto the questions."

"Okay."

"Question one:"

BronzeUnicorn - What do you have planned now?

"Well, I don't really stick to plans for this story in general. I write organically, where I let my mind do whatever the fuck it wants and-"

"You mean whatever the buck?" Interrupted Cloud.

"No. Shut up." I cleared my throat. "I write organically, where I let my mind do whatever the fuck it wants and write down whatever happens that isn't terrible. What do I do with the terrible ideas? I stick them into a story that I'll probably never release that you can find in this link."

"What the buck are you talking about?"

"They know what I mean. Anyway, I don't normally stick to my general plans for the story, but I don't really want to spoil anything. What I can tell you is when some awesome ideas I have are supposed to happen:

- The series two finale.
- The series three finale.
- The awkward gap inbetween series three and Equestria Girls.
- Equestria Girls.
- The series four finale.
- Equestria Girls Two.
- The final chapter.

"But keep in mind that I abandon ideas all the time. Like the chapter that this is interrupting which was originally supposed to be about Vesper trying to get fucked by Dragons. Then I decided to do something else."

"Wait, what?" Asked Vesper.

"Next question!"

BronzeUnicorn - Anything big planned?

"The same guy again?" Asked Cloud.

"Yeah."

"Why is he asking for two?"

"Because he's awesome, shut up. Anyway, it's actually kinda funny you asked that because this is just before a big and awesome story ark. As in; immediately after this, (hopefully) awesome story ark."

"Well that's good."

"Yeah."

"What's the next question?"

"That's it."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"The plan for this kinda failed then?"

"Pretty much, but I'd already promised a Q&A chapter and I'd already spent about ten hours making the picture for it, so I did this thing."

"What picture?"

"This one:"

"That took ten hours?!"

"It may have been twelve."

"Why?!"

"Vectors take a while."

"No, I mean why did you do it if it was taking that long?"

"Because I was proud of myself. I'd finally made something that didn't make me die inside. In fact, I'd made something that I really liked and was proud of. I made that picture, and all of the others, because I loved the fact that people actually took the time to read it and didn't immediately spew projectile vomit onto their monitors. In fact, people liked it!"

"That's pretty cool."

"I know, right? Anyway, I need to wrap this up."

"Then get a blanket."

"Amazing."

"Thanks."

"Anyway:"

Dragon Quest Part 2

"Why do we need a trench anyway?" Asked Vesper. We were out in a field with the girls, preparing to watch a dragon migration. I'd just created a trench for us.

"So we don't get attacked," I replied.

"Who cares if we get attacked? We can take out any number of them!"

"Yeah, and destroy the ecosystem while we're at it."

"How did you two get so strong that you can just casually talk about fighting a horde of dragons?" Asked Watcher, who had just wandered over to us.

"Well," Vesper started, "Cloud and Sky are both mega powerful for reasons I can't say. Actually, I only know Sky's reasons, Cloud's is probably different. Anyway, mix the genes of two mega powerful Ponies and multiply it by them being so similar to each other, and you get the sexiest, most badass Pony to walk the multiverse."

"Even if Sky's past is different, you still probably shouldn't tell me about it," I stated. "Just to be safe."

"I know, that's why I..." Vesper trailed off and suddenly looked exhausted. "I... I don't feel so good..." She tried to take a step forward, only to stumble.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I... Don't know... I'm freaking out here, man..."

"What's happening to you?"

"I-I don't know!" Vesper collapsed. "Help... Dad..." Vesper fell unconscious. What the buck was that?! I need to get her to the hospital! I picked her up with telekinesis and teleported to the hospital to get her help.

Having to sit and do nothing in the waiting room for a few hours was pretty nerve wracking. What happened to her? It seemed like all of her energy suddenly vanished. But what caused it? Why did it happen? I have no idea...

"Mr. Calculation?" Asked a Doctor standing in front of me, breaking my concentration. Probably here to tell me about Vesper.

"Yes?" I replied.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news." Oh no... "The mare you brought in is rapidly dying from an unknown cause. I'm sorry, but there's nothing we can do." I felt numb. No... No! Celestia will know what to do!

"Where is she?"

"Sir, I'm afraid I cannot let you see her. Whatever is causing her to die may be contagious and- Woah!" I cut him off by leaping to my hooves and knocking him over. I sprinted down the hallway, knocking down anypony in my path, until I reached Vesper's room. They'd locked the door, so I blasted it off it's hinges with a magic bolt and rushed inside. Vesper was lying in a bed, still unconscious. She was hooked up to a cardiac monitor and had an IV connected to her left foreleg. I grabbed Vesper with telekinesis and teleported back outside. Let's hope I can do this again...

I summoned a Support Circle and flew to Canterlot.

Just like last time, Celestia had noticed me flying and opened the window for me. I landed in the middle of the room and laid Vesper down a nearby sofa before turning to Celestia.

"Hello again, Cloud," she greeted, "what seems to be the pr-"

"You've gotta help Vesper!" I exclaimed frantically, cutting her off. "She just suddenly collapsed, so I took her to a hospital but they said that there was nothing they could do and that she was dying and they didn't know why and-" Celestia cast a muting spell on me and stood up.

"When did this happen?"

"A couple of hours ago, she just-" I was muted again.

"We need to take her to Dr. Remover immediately. He ca-" I un-muted myself.

"I already tried a hospital and the doctors couldn't do anything!"

"Rib Remover is not any normal doctor. He is the greatest medical professional in Equestria, and maybe even the greatest to walk Magi. He has dealt with more problems than just illnesses and injuries. If anypony will know what's wrong, it's him."

"Fine! Just hurry!" Celestia grabbed Vesper with her magic and teleported all three of us into the Royal Hospital's break room. Rib Remover, who had been making a drink, turned to us unfazed. His eyes snapped to Vesper.

"Am I correct in thinking that this is the mare who originated from the future of an alternate but still somewhat parallel universe?" He asked at an impressive speed.

"You are correct," replied Celestia, laying Vesper down onto another nearby sofa. Rib quickly made his way over to her and cast some spells. Probably tests to see what's wrong. After about two minutes he stopped and took a step back, his face still expressionless.

"I know exactly what's wrong with her. Princess Celestia has already debriefed me on how to handle this condition in case this scenario ever played out." Celestia's eyes widened in shock.

"Wait, you don't mean...?"

"Sadly I do. It is fortunate that you have brought Mr. Calculation with you."

"What are you talking about?" I asked. Rib turned to me and stared me dead in the eyes.

"Your daughter is being erased from existence." There were a few seconds of silence.

"What?"

"Roughly three months ago, Ms. Overcast Vesper arrived in this universe twenty years earlier than she had intended to. She assumed that since she was not in her own universe, she would not be able to create any paradoxes and thereby destroy the conceivable universe. She was wrong. At some point, Ms. Overcast Vesper has stopped an event in which you traverse into her plane of existence and have intercourse with your female counterpart. Because of this, Ms. Overcast Vesper is running out of chances to be conceived. I would say that she has one week, at the most, before she is entirely erased from existence."

"Oh. Crap."

"And if Ms. Overcast Vesper is erased form existence, all of her feats will be undone. Discord will never have been defeated in the way that he was, the Cult of Disharmony will not have been disrupted and you would be much less informed on how the Arcane Circles work."

"But wait, if all of her feats are undone, won't that include making the paradox?"

"Yes. The time streams would become untangled." So everything will be oka- "However, in that instance, the paradox would be recreated and resolved infinitely within a single second, collapsing both universes." Nevermind then. "To resolve this matter, you must-"

"Yeah, yeah, I know; go and fuck myself before bad stuff happens. But how do I get to the other universe?" Rib paused for a moment before continuing.

"There are only four known entities that have traveled into alternate universes."

"Who?"

"Starswirl The Bearded," What didn't that guy do? "Ms. Overcast Vesper, you," This would be a great time to remember my past. "and Discord."

"Discord?"

"Yes. His chaotic powers are strong enough to temporarily break through into alternate universes."

"But how will I get him to help me?"

"Beat the shit out of him?" Suggested Celestia.

"Well, it's worked with every other problem I've encountered." I stretched out and summoned a Support Circle. "Okay. He's in the gardens, right?"

"Yes."

"Then I'll leave immediately. Thanks for the help, Doctor." Rib nodded. "It's time for me to get laid."

"Make me proud, Cloud. Go fuck yourself."

"I will, God-Horse, I will." I flew to the gardens to fight Discord.

Dragon Quest Part 3

So how am I supposed to win a fight against the God of Chaos? Vesper's done it a few times so it can't be that hard. Yeah, but she probably saw Sky beat their version. Plus she's a lot more violent than I am. That's true. Maybe I can blackmail him and skip fighting. What do I mean? How would I blackmail him? I've never even seen him conscious, so I have no idea how he'll act. If the universe is his plaything, then he probably won't like the idea of it ending. That's just convincing in general, not blackmailing. Same thing! I landed next to the statue of Discord.

"I know how the petrification spell works," I told the forever screaming statue, "so I know that you can hear me talking. The universe is going to end in about a week, and the only way to stop is to go into an alternate universe and ham-slam the female version of myself that lives there. I know you'll help me with this, because if the universe is destroyed, you'll be bored as shit. So... Help me and stuff. Yeah."

The statue stayed motionless.

"Don't give me that look! Okay, my plan is a bit simple considering I'm supposed to be saving the universe and all that, but I know I can do it!"

The statue stayed motionless.

"Okay, maybe I don't know can do it. But this is my only chance at trying! So I've got to try."

The statue stayed motionless.

"I'll let you borrow my daughter's sex slave! Well, if she's okay with it. She might be a bit clingy with him. He's sort of her plaything."

The statue stayed motionless.

"That's a good point."

The statue stayed motionless.

"True."

The statue stayed motionless.

"No, what did she call you?"

The statue stayed motionless.

"Ha, that's just like her."

The statue stayed motionless.

"Wow. You must have really pissed her off."

The statue stayed motionless.

"Anyway, I'm gonna release you now. Don't mess shit up." I lit up my horn, focused my magic and began the counter spell. The statue glowed in a warm light blue coloured light. After about a minute, the light faded to reveal the stone melting like ice, releasing Discord. He yawned and stretched out, making popping noises in his joints.

"Let's get this over with," he sighed, lifting up his claw arm.

"Why so bored?" His arm dropped and he sat down on the podium thingy he was on top of.

"One thousand years ago it took the ultimate artifacts of this world to stop me. These days, it's just one psychotic mare."

"She's more of a sociopath than a psychopath."

"Either way it's still the same. And another thing! Those annoying cultist ass-kissers! I mean really; why would you want to release the God of Chaos to destroy slash rule the world? It's not going to be any better for them. In fact, it's worse! They're mortals for crying out loud! They're supposed to be stupid and fun to toy with! No offense."

"None taken. I know exactly what you mean as well, it's just as bad on the hero side of things. 'Oh no! Help me! My foal is rolling off of a cliff!' Why do you take a foal to cliff in the bucking first place if not to throw them off?! But then if you don't save everypony all the time, the world ends in stupid and convoluted ways involving time travel."

"...And then nobody can have fun." We both sighed.

"It's nice to have somepo- somebody to vent with about this shit."

"Its nice to have a conversation at all. Do you know how cramped you get from standing still for a thousand years? Very. You get very cramped." He stood back up and stretched out. "I should probably just send you on your way."

"Okay. Hey, maybe I can convince Celestia to try and 'reform' you. So we can talk more often." Discord scoffed.

"Like that would ever happen." I shrugged.

"You never know. Do you know where to send me?"

"Yes, there was a universal disturbance when I was freed a few months back. The mare that defeated me was connected to it. I take it that's where you need to go?"

"Yeah, that's it."

"Good, that saves time. I can only keep you there for two weeks at the most, but you don't have enough time for that anyway."

"What happens when you can't keep me there?"

"You'll be pulled back into this universe. Well, bye." Discord snapped his talons.

"Wait, I'm not-"

I was torn from reality.

Author's Notes:

To the R63 'verse!

---

You could say this was a 'Draconequus Quest'.

The Journey

When I woke up I didn't open my eyes. Damn... How much did I drink last night...? ...Wait... What was I doing? Vesper passed out, then, uh... Oh yeah, hospital stuff... Then I went to God-Horse... Then to Dicklord and he... Wait! I opened my eyes and sat up suddenly.

I was in my room in my bed. It was about midday. I climbed out of bed and stretched out. Everything seemed normal. Did it not work or something? Maybe it was all a dream, Luna's messed with my dreams before. Maybe... I went downstairs and OH IT WORKED.

A stallion version of Twilight was lying on the sofa reading a book. She He looked to me and a gained startled expression.

"Sky!" Twidong exclaimed. "You're awake!"

"Uh... Hey?" I replied.

"Why were you in Canterlot?"

"What?"

"Lord Solaris found you unconscious in the gardens near where Eris used to be about an hour ago." I stayed in the same place? Interesting. "And, uh... I don't know how to tell you this, but... You're..."

"I'm what?"

"You-You've... Turned into a stallion..."

"Actually, I'm-"

"What the buck?" Asked a female voice from across the room, cutting me off. I looked to see who it was and saw a mare that was obviously Sky standing near the front door. She looked pretty much just how I did, but female. "Why is there a stallion version of me there?"

"Hey," I greeted as I walked over to her, "I'm Cloud Calculation. I'm you from a parallel universe where everypony is the opposite gender. It's not exactly parallel, but they should be similar enough to avoid confusion."

"Oh. Okay then. Why are you here?"

"Our daughter from the future of this and my universe is being erased from time and space because she accidentally stopped us from banging and if we don't bang then both universes will be destroyed from paradoxes." The room was silent for a long time.

"What?"

"We need to bang."

"What?"

"As soon as possible."

"What?"

"We have a week at most."

"What?"

"Then it's death for everypony."

"What?"

"So... Wanna bang?"

"What?"

"I'm starting to see why Vesper knocked me out before."

"What?"

"Because I'm not sure what to do."

"You're from another universe?" Asked Twidong from behind me.

"Yeah."

"And everypony there is the opposite gender? So I'm a mare there?"

"Yeah, it's pretty weird seeing you as a stallion."

"Wow! This is amazing! What am I like?! What's my mare name?!"

"You're pretty much the same personality wise, and your name is Twilight Sparkle."

"Wow!"

"Your name isn't Twilight here?"

"No, my name's- Oh! I haven't introduced myself!" He hurried over to me and started shaking my hoof. "I'm Dusk Shine!"

"Cloud Calculation."

"Ooh! This is so fascinating!" He gasped. "I've got to write a letter to Lord Solaris about this right away!" He dashed off upstairs. I turned back to Sky.

"Feeling better yet?"

"What?" How am I supposed to snap her out of this? Well, there's that one thing I've dreamed about doing with another version of me for a while. The thing I forgot about when I tried the butt-stuff? Yeah. Well, why not? But if it doesn't work I'll look like an ass. I transmutated the sofa into a piano and started playing a simple tune.

"Just a small town mare," I sung, "livin' in a lonely world! She took the midnight train going anywhere!" Sky immediately broke out of her trance.

"Just a city colt," she sung, "born and raised in South Detrot! He took the midnight train going anywhere!" She transmutated a pile of books into a guitar and started playing along with me. Pinkie Dong appeared out of nowhere with a drum set and started playing along as well.

"A singer in a smokey room! The smell of wine and cheap perfume!"

"For a smile they can share the night, it goes on, and on, and on, and on!"

"Strangers! Waiting! Up and down the boulevard! Their shadows! Searching in the night! Streetlights! Ponies! Livin' just to find emotion! Hidin' somewhere in the night!" I quickly transmuted my piano into another guitar and we jammed for a moment.

"Workin' hard to get my fill! Everypony wants a thrill! Paying anything to roll the dice, just one more time!"

"Some will win! Some will loose! Some were born to sing the blues! Oh, the movie never ends! It goes on and on and on and on!"

"Strangers! Waiting! Up and down the boulevard! Their shadows! Searching in the night! Streetlights! Ponies! Livin' just to find emotion! Hidin'! Somewhere in the night!"

Sky broke out into an awesome guitar solo for a while.

"Don't stop! Believin'! Hold on to that feelin'! Streetlights! Ponies! Don't stop! Believin'! Hold on! Streetlights! Ponies! Don't stop! Believin'! Hold on to that feelin'! Streetlights Pon-"

"What the buck are you doing?" A voice loudly interrupted from behind us, startling all of us and making the song stop. No! So close! I turned to see who had interrupted. From the looks of them, it was Rainbow Dong.

"Dammit, Raindick!" Shouted Sky. "We were so bucking close!"

"Why is there two of y-" Sky picked him up with telekinesis and threw him out the door, slamming it afterwards.

"Bucking dickbag!"

Author's Notes:

A fun story arc begins!

R63 names used from here: http://mlpgenderswap.deviantart.com/

R63 names of OC's from this story (because why not?):

Cloud Calculation - Sky Calculator
Sight Watcher - Night Seeker
Rib Remover - Spine Stitcher
Butt Rubber - Ass Caresser
Bog Clogger/The Sandwich Terrorist - Sink Stuffer/The Taco Scoundrel
Munch Yum - Om Nom
Key Chain - Ball Chain
Louie - Louise
Lawn Order - Lawn Order (it doesn't change)
Back Scratcher - Nit Picker
Soap Sud - Soap Squeeze

---

Now with 'animation'!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6QM7CrAIvf4

Well, That Escalated Quickly

Author's Notes:

Non-OC R63 names and pictures used from here: http://mlpgenderswap.deviantart.com/

---

A quick note on Sky's stance on killing stuff:

Sky is somewhere between timeline one Cloud and timeline two Cloud. She doesn't go on murder sprees, but she's okay with killing if she has to.

---

More writer's block, so this chapter may suck.

"Bucking dickbag!" Shouted Sky, who had just thrown Rainbow Dong outside.

"Are you feeling better now?" I asked. Sky visibly calmed down and turned to me.

"Yeah, thanks for that."

"Good. So are we gonna bang or what?" Sky looked suspicious.

"I don't really trust that you're telling the truth yet..."

"Why not?"

"Don't get me wrong, I believe that you're from a different universe, but any stallion could make up an excuse about time travel to get laid. Why would an alternate me be any more truthful?" I groaned.

"What do I have to do to prove myself?"

"I don't know, I haven't thought of anything yet."

"Great. Thanks. That's really so helpful. The universes are practically saved already." Sky rolled her eyes and turned transmuted the instruments back into what they were supposed to be.

"Thanks for the help, Bubble."

"It's no problem!" Pinkie Dong exclaimed happily as he bounced away.

"I'm gonna explore Ponyville," I said, walking to the front door. "Psychic message me when you're ready to bang." I left to explore Dongville.

The main thing I wanted to see was what the rest of the girls were like as stallions. It's so weird seeing everypony as a guy. Well, except for the few that were originally that are mares here. And by few I mean Big Mac, Spike and I. Oh shit, what'll Spike look like? As I walked along the streets of Dongville, everypony kept giving me strange looks. They're probably weirded out because they think that I'm Sky.

I arrived at carousel boutique and knocked on the door. After a few moments, Raridong answered it.

"Sup?" I greeted/asked. Raridong screamed and slammed the door in my face. That went well. I left to try and find Flutterdong.

This time, when the stallion opened the door and screamed, he fainted. My work here is done. I trotted away to find Appledong.

I was about to reach Appledong's stall when suddenly an Alicorn with an awesome beard dropped out of the sky and landed in front of me.

"Hey," he greeted, "I'm God." Probably Celesdong.

"Hey, God," I replied, "I'm Skydong." Needles to say, the Ponies around us started freaking out.

"We should probably go back to the library."

"Yeah." I teleported us to the library. Nopony was in the main room. "There we go."

"Thanks. I assume you know why I'm here?"

"To question me about Teatverse?" God-Dong looked confused.

"Teatverse?"

"Yeah, y'know, the place I'm from that isn't overrun with males. It's overrun with mares. It's pretty good."

"So you're sticking with that excuse?"

"What do you mean?"

"My student sent me a letter saying that the male Sky Calculator that I'd found was claiming he was from an alternate universe and that he needed to bang Sky."

"Yep, that's me."

"I see. In that case," he cast a spell that bound my hooves together with magical bonds, "you are hereby under arrest." I sighed.

"Any point in asking why?"

"You're clearly a shape-shifter from the Cult of Disharmony trying to take out Sky."

"Okay, I expected logic to be less of a strong point because of the godly levels of testosterone, but bucking really? Are you really that stupid compared to Celestia?" God-Dong snorted.

"For a spy who's just been captured, you're awfully confident to insult Lord Solaris himself. You-"

"And a mega ego!" I cut off angrily. "Great!"

"Don't interrupt me! You will be locked in the Canterlot dungeons until we discover who you really are."

"And what's gonna stop from just breaking out? You know how strong Sky is? Think of her, but with more testosterone." God-Dong smirked.

"You want to know what will stop you? Okay: This will." He cast a spell to cut off the flow of my magic, making me unable to cast spells.

"Is that all?" He looked confused again.

"What are you talking about? I just cut off your only defense." I rolled my eyes.

"You'll see. So how badly do I have to beat the shit out of you to convince you of the truth?"

"What?" I grinned.

"Time to rumble!" I summoned Kinetic Circles around my hooves and used them to force my legs outwards, shattering the bonds. I summoned a Support Circle and flew up a little to give myself more of an advantage while I planned what to do. Okay; strong points and weak points? I don't have my magic but, while it'll make the fight scarier and cut off any healing from me, Arcane Circles aren't connected to a Unicorn's magic at all. I'll have to use good combinations of all three to do much, this is God-Horse after all, even if he is a moron. This will probably be similar to the Nightmare fight, so I'll have to be ready to use Kinetic Circles a lot to stay on the offensive.

"You actually think you can beat me? Even Sky could barely stop my brother, what chance does a cheap trickster have?"

"Are the Circles not proof enough?"

"The Cult must have learned how to use them, that's all!"

"Ugh, buck words, let's fight." I soared down to him and KC punched him in the face, sending him flying into a bookshelf. God-Dong sat up and grabbed his nose in pain.

"Agh! Shit! Fine, we'll talk!"

"Wait, really?"

"Yeah, jeez, you didn't have to break my bucking muzzle!"

"You were the one being a dick and trying to arrest me!"

"I was bucking kidding! I was just testing you!"

"Oh. Sorry. Beating the shit out of Ponies and pretty much everyone else has solved almost everything in the past, so..." God-Dong sighed.

"No, it's my fault for taking it too far. I pushed you into bringing it to this."

"Let's just compromise and say we're both at fault."

"Yeah." God-Dong stood up and restored my magic. "There you go."

"Thanks." I frowned. "Aren't you gonna heal your muzzle?"

"I can't remember any healing spells, it's been centuries since I've been in a proper fight."

"Fair enough. Stay still for a sec..." I repaired the broken bones and healed his face. "I can't do anything about the pain, but that should be most of the damage dealt with."

"Thanks."

"So...?"

"What?"

"Is that all you came here for?"

"Oh, right! I... Yeah, pretty much."

"Oh."

"Well, see you later." God-Dong walked out of the library and out of sight. So that happened. I need to get back on track. Where is Sky, anyway?

Makes Sense, I Guess?

Where is Sky, anyway? I headed up the staircase of the library and into my Sky's room. Sky was lying on the bed, reading a book.

"Hey," I greeted. Sky looked up for a second to see who I was before going back to her book.

"Hey," she replied. "What was that noise just now?"

"Oh, I punched God in the face."

"How effective was it?"

"It was KC, so it broke his muzzle and sent him flying into a bookshelf."

"Why is it that whenever we punch Ponies here they fly into bookshelves?"

"It is a library."

"Fair enough." There were a few moments of silence.

"So... Wanna bang?" Why would asking like that work? It worked on alternate future me. In fact it worked too well. Oh yeah... Sky groaned and put the book down.

"Is that all you think about?" Dammit!

"The longer we wait, the more agony our future daughter goes through." Sky sighed.

"Fine. Just let me finish this chapter." She continued reading.

"Thanks." I sat on the ground and waited for a minute. "So, uh, are we just gonna do it here or...?"

"Uh huh."

"Okay." Another minute passed. "Do you want me to get you a drink?"

"No, I'm fine." Thirty seconds passed. "This is a good bucking book."

"What is it?"

"It's this light sci-fi thing about time travel where this mare goes back accidentally stops her parents from meeting, so she has to try and get them together another way, but she only has a week to do it or she'll be erased from time." Why does that sound so familiar?

"What's it called? The Quest For The Parents?"

"Nah, it's Buck To The Future."

"Oh." There were a few more minutes of silence. "And done." Sky placed a bookmark inbetween the pages she had gotten to and teleported the book away somewhere. "Alright, let's get this over with." Before I could respond, God-Dong teleported into the middle of the room.

"For Realta's sake, what the buck now?!"

"Oh, sorry, am I interrupting something?" He asked, faking ignorance. I facehoofed and groaned.

"What's up?" Asked Sky.

"The Cult's making its move." Sky gained a more serious expression and nodded.

"Where?"

"Appleloosa."

"Shit, really? I haven't been there in ages."

"Wait, what's happening?" I asked. So much asking!

"There's this Cult called the Cult of Disharmony that formed after these ancient artifacts were destroy-"

"Yeah-yeah-yeah, we've got them back in Teatverse. What do you mean 'making their move'?"

"Solaris received word from an agent in Bullgium that the Cult has been plotting attacks on different places across Equestria. They don't seem to care about the rest of Magi so much, probably because the rest of the world doesn't have deities controlling the celestial bodies."

"So they're attacking Appleloosa? Why? There's no strategical value or anything."

"They're the Cult of Disharmony; they don't have to make sense."

"Then why only attack Equestria if they don't want to make sense?"

"Huh?"

"Their 'not making sense by attacking Appleloosa' scheme falls on its face because if they don't want to make sense, why attack the most important country first?"

"What do you mean 'most important country'?"

"Equestria is the place most against them, making it more important to them."

"Oh, right."

"Anyway; why attack here at all? It makes more sense than not making sense"

"Doesn't that mean it worked?"

"What?"

"If they're not making sense in order to make sense about not making sense but still making sense so they're not making sense about not making sense, doesn't that mean their plan of not making sense worked?"

"I think my brain just melted."

"So really, it makes more sense that they're making sense to not make sense."

"Wait! I get what you're saying; they're making sense so when I expect them to not make sense they're still not making sense in the way of making sense and not making sense."

"Makes sense."

"Those words are now meaningless to me."

"I'm glad we're on the same page."

"Are you going then?" God-Dong asked her. Even more asking!

"Yeah." Sky stood up and started to walk towards the door before stopping and turning to me. "So, do you want to come along, or...?"

"Yeah, okay," I replied. We left the library and flew to Appleloosa, two of us with Circles and the other with wings.

Checking Up And Out (Watcher's POV)

It had been a whole day since Vesper mysteriously collapsed and there had been no sign of her or Cloud since he had flown off with her and left the rest of us to contemplate what was wrong. Obviously, the we were all worried about Vesper and whether she'd was okay. I didn't really want to talk to the girls or hear their (most likely stupid) theories, so I'd walked to the hospital to see what what was wrong. I'd arrived just in time to see Cloud teleport outside, still holding Vesper, and fly off again, this time into the distance and quickly out of sight. Instead of following him, I'd gone inside to ask what had happened.

I'd learned that Vesper was dying from an unknown cause, and that there was no way the doctors could save her. I knew instantly who Cloud had gone to:

My feelings on Vesper were mixed. On one hoof, she was a mass murderer that killed with no remorse, but on the other, she treated me with respect (maybe) and was pretty cool once I got a chance to know her. Well, aside from the mass murderer part... Plus, she never killed without a very good reason sometimes. She even healed me up once when my stomach had split open and my organs were spilling onto the floor. Although it was her that caused it in the first place. Bucking shovels...

Either way, I respected her (for some reason) and wanted to make sure she was okay. So off I had rushed when I learned of her state, off to the KGBNRB to drive to Canterlot and see if Master Vesper was okay and if I could help her. I should really ask Cloud whether it's pronounced K.G.B.N.R.B. or Kirgnurb. He usually says the the second, but still...

And that's why I had just burst open the door of study 34B to find Princess Celestia and Princess Luna playing Jenga. They both looked up at me.

"Watcher?" Asked Princess Celestia, sporting a confused expression. "What are you doing here? I thought I already sold you off into slavery?" She's not even trying to hide it!

"Where's Vesper?" I blurted, ignoring her question. The look changed from confused to suspicious.

"Why do need to see her?"

"Because I want to know if she's alright."

"Why do you want to know?"

"Because she-"

"Wait, have you fallen for her?" Wait, what?

"Huh?"

"Oh! You have, haven't you?"

"What?! N-No! I just-!"

"And you're here to take advantage of her in her sleep!"

"First of all; that's messed up, and second; why would I? We already bang multiple times a da-"

"I know your tricks, you sly dog!" And as bucking usual she cuts me off! "You'll wait until nopony is looking, then spread her legs and act like Munch Yum at a buffet!"

"Would it even be possible to be make that much of a mess?" Princess Celestia laughed. Princess Luna just sort of sat there, staying quiet.

"I see you've picked up a few things from being around Cloud!"

"Yeah. Where is he anyway? With Vesper?"

"No, no, he's having his own buffet with Vesper's mother."

"Wait, what?"

"Anyway, if you really want to see her then go and talk to Dr. Remover. He'll fill you in. But don't let me catch you-"

"Filling in Vesper?" Celestia laughed again.

"He really has rubbed off on you!"

"Yeah. Well, see you later, Princess."

"Until next time, Sight Watcher." I started making my way to the royal hospital.

I was in Vesper's hospital room and Rib had just finished explaining what was going on to me. I stood still, slack jawed in shock of what I'd just heard.

"An alternate universe?" I asked.

"That's correct." Rib replied in his usual monotone voice and hardened expression.

"That- How did he even- Ugh, forget it." I walked over to Vesper's bedside. She looked a looked a lot less sociopathic lying underneath the white hospital sheets. The parts of her mane that weren't flattened underneath her stayed stuck up like blades in their usual fashion. "How much longer does she have?"

"Five or six days depending on how movement through universes effects time." I turned to face him.

"What do you mean?"

"Cloud headed off to Discord immediately, but based on how time traversal effects spacial coordinates, it's a fair bet that going to another universe may effect your placement in temporal coordinates."

"Let me rephrase the question; could you please explain what you mean in a way that makes sense to those of us that don't have understanding on time and space?" Rib let out an annoyed sigh.

"It may take Cloud a few days to arrive in the alternate universe. He might not be there until tomorrow or the day after. In fact, he might arrive on the last day. However, this may effect it both ways. None of us have any way of knowing."

"Both ways?"

"He might have arrived a few days ago, due to-"

"Okay-okay, that's good enough." I turned back to Vesper. "That's all I wanted to ask."

"Sir, I'm doing everything I can to keep your wife alive." I jumped back to facing him, surprised at what he'd just said. "Being snarky won't help anypony."

"W-Wife?! She's not my wife!"

"I apologize. It appeared that you had been in a long relationship due to the strength of your feelings for her."

"Feelings?! I-I don't-"

"Dilated pupils and changes in heart rate, posture and muscle contractions say otherwise."

"No-no-no-no-no-no-no! That's just-! I'm not-! I-It's just because I'm worried about- For! I'm worried for her!"

"'For' and 'about' would mean the same thing in this context."

"Well-! I just-! Gah! I don't love her, okay?!" Rib rolled his eyes and sighed again.

"If you insist. If you'll excuse me, I have work to do." Rib walked out of the room, closing the door behind him. Me in love with Vesper? That's preposterous! I'm not in love with Vesper! I looked back at her and my heart fluttered slightly. ...Am I?

Author's Notes:

When could Cloud be?!
Is Watcher in love with Vesper?!
Will Munch Yum ever have a scene?!
Find out (probably not) next time in The Quest For The Past!

---

A picture of Watcher since I haven't done one for him before:

His cutie mark is a crosshair and his talent is accuracy in general (another reason Vesper is so fond of him ).
You know what? Have some more useless background info that probably won't be important:

- He's 22 years old.
- He grew up in Cloudsdale.
- He moved to Canterlot by himself at 15 to join a military school.
- At 18 he went through training and tests until he became part of the military.
- At 20 he was assigned a royal guards post.
- He isn't fond of apple pie.

---

[Way, way, way, way, way, way later edit:]
I redrew Watcher's picture because the original is terrible and very rushed. Here's a much better version:

Oh, How Far We've Come

We touched down in Appleloosa. It looked pretty much how it did back in Teatverse but with more penis. The Buffalo probably balance out the gender ratio. Most of them were male in Teatverse. Probably. Why don't we have any big talks anymore? 'We', really? I'm one Pony. You were thinking it just as much. Maybe... Anyway, why don't we talk so much? Probably because we don't have much to talk about. I'm not trying to learn new spells anymore, nor am I practicing magic in general. I just sort of lounge around and do nothing.

I don't practice magic because I don't need to, using Circles increases my mana flow without practice. I lounge around because there's nothing to do, Vesper and I deal with everything in seconds. Well, except this. Actually, this is the most fun I've had in ages. Especially the Journeigh. Maybe I should go treasure hunting. Aren't you supposed to be the voice of reason? I thought we agreed to never think about thinking in that way again? I meant in general. Wait, wasn't there something about a third thinking pattern? For some reason we convinced ourselves that the voice I use for observing was a separate thing. Yes! That was it! It was just before all that stuff with Storm and the paradox, remember? Should it be worrying that I don't tend to remember as much? You do remember as much, we just pretend you don't to make it funnier to ourself. Why did you stop playing along?! Sorry. I'll get back into character.

As I was thinking, it's always been just my own voice changing pitch and speaking patterns. Banter is fun and helped me reach conclusions better in the early days. Why was the third voice ever a thing? I was bored walking through a forest so I decided to see what a third voice would be like. It was fair enough, I can't even imagine let alone remember how slow it must be without Circles. Why do I have so much resentment towards it now? I guess I just associate all the Storm Cloud stuff with that day in general. The same day I try a new voice is the same day an alternate personality reveals itself and tries to hurt the girls. At least something good came of it. I know to no get so angry at racism, sexism and all the other 'isms' and to just stay calm and kick flank. Yeah. You live and you learn.

It's amazing how far I've come since then. Only about six months or so ago and- Something touched my butt, cutting off my train of thought. I looked behind me to see Sky had backed up into me. I looked past her to see what she was backing up from to see a mix of different species making up an army of about a hundred. They all had random armour on.

"What the buck happened?" I asked.

"The army showed up while you were staring off into space," Sky answered. "There's more over there." She motioned to in front of me with a nod. I looked to see another group of a hundred standing in front of me.

"Oh. I should really stop staring off into space at important moments."

"You don't say?"

"Where's God-Dong?"

"No idea."

"Bucking great."

"What the buck do we do? Neither of us have battled an entire army before!"

"Well..." There was Bullgium

"'Well' what?"

"I sorta helped Vesper with a small one a little while ago."

"You did?! Great! How do we fight in a way that won't get us completely and utterly overwhelmed?"

"I mean, I only took out one guy..." There was a moment of quiet where I could almost hear Sky mentally screaming. "Wow, this army's still just standing there."

"Give me one reason I shouldn't tear your dick off right now."

"I-I er... O-Onto the fighting!" I summoned a Support Circle and zoomed towards the hundred in front of me. Just before I collided with some of them, I flew upwards and charged up my horn. The army just sort of stood there. Doing nothing. Some unblinking. Forever staring. Oh so deeply into my soul.

I fired out a constant stream of sleeping gas and flew through the crowd, knocking out every one I passed. After a couple of minutes, I stopped the spell and landed. Shit, that was easy. I looked over to see how Sky was doing with her hundred. Every one of them was wet from a water-spray-spell-thing Sky was casting. Why the buck are they just standing there? This is getting bucking creepy. Sky stopped the water spell and fired out a bolt of lightning that caused a chain reaction, shocking every last one of them and causing them to either loose consciousness or die. Hopefully the first.

"Why weren't they moving?" Sky asked as she walked over to me.

"I don't know. Bucking creepy though."

"Yeah."

"So, is God-Dong gonna get loads of soldiers to drag these lot to a prison, or teleport them to an underground dungeon, or what?"

"I don't know, he'll figure it out. I'm going back to the library and continue my book." Sky summoned a Support Circle and quickly flew off into the distance.

"Wait! We need to bang!" I flew off after her.

Author's Notes:

What could be this mysterious reason that the cult weirder than normal?!

---

Magic ex machina making everything anti-climactic as usual.
Don't get too used to it!

...What?

I landed in front of the library, busted through the door and, using the momentum I'd collected, sprinted up the stairs. I quickly reached the top and smashed through Sky's door, causing me to trip and smash my face into the floor. I was knocked out instantly.

My forelegs feel funny... Wait, did I just defeat an army only to be defeated by a door? Savior of the world here, mares and gentlecolts! I opened my ey- Um, what? I was in a dungeon of some kind, in a small cell. I was in a weird position, kinda similar to how Minotaurs stand. My forehooves were pulled above my head and shackled to the wall I was lying against. There was a small crack in the ceiling with water slowly dripping through, forming a puddle on the floor. The floor itself was covered in a thin but noticeable layer of dirt and grime. There didn't appear to be a door.

What the buck happened while I was out? I have no idea. I should break out now though. I can just teleport out of the cell and explore this place from there. I poured magic into my- Wait, is my magic cut off again? So I'm up against somepony that knows what they're doing... I summoned Kinetic Circle around my hooves, charged them up and released them outwards, shattering the shackles. I fell to the ground.

After getting up, I examined the door to the cell. The bars were a thick steel, meaning a KC Punch wouldn't do anything. Why didn't I think of colours to go with most of my Circle moves? I've done it with my own spells and Zecora's potions, but I've only done it with Shield Bash. Is now really the time for this? Would I rather it be in the middle of a fight? Ugh, fine. Yeah! Okay, how about this; Kinetic Circle, Support Circle, KC Punch, KC Other Kinetic Action and Shield Circle. Is that good? Yeah, sure, whatever. Lets just go back to the situation I'm in.

Because of the bad traction on the ground from all of the dirt, I wouldn't be able to use Kinetic Circles. At least, not how I normally would. I backed up to the other end of the cell and smashed the bars off with a Shield Bash, then left the cell and wandered down the hallway.

After walking for a few minutes, I found a set of stairs. I went up them and found myself in the lower levels of the Canterlot castle. It was completely deserted. I explored around for a little while, but everywhere else was devoid of Ponies as well. This place is so creepy when it's empty. I found a storage area with a few pieces of armour and decided to put on some iron body armour, just in case I got into a fight. I had no way to heal myself, so not taking damage in the first place would have to do.

I went through a few more floors, but there was still no sign of anypony. I noticed that there was a little bit of a mess, as if there had been a small amount of struggle everywhere at once. Oh! If I find the potion stores, I might find something that could deactivate the seal on my magic! I searched around for a stockpile of potions and soon found myself in the royal hospital. There's gotta be some here, right?

I started looking through different rooms for signs of potions or anything useful in general. I found a pair of brown saddlebags with twenty bits and a haycon sandwich, and decided to take it with me. I had to take off my armour, but I noticed there were a couple of slits for straps to slip through that would let me wear both at the same time, which I then did. Great, now I'll be able to carry extra potions for healing and stuff. But what kind of potion would I even need to free my magic? A regular potion of Magic Restoration wouldn't do anything, I'd need something more specific. I'll just have to hope that there'll be something good for it. If I find anything, that is.

After about an hour, I found a door marked with a symbol that looked like a bottle. Hopefully it'll have potions. I opened the door to find many shelves, all of which were packed with potions of all shapes and sizes. Yes! I went deeper into the room and looked for something to get my magic going, as well as other stuff that could be useful.

I grabbed a couple of Regeneration Potions, a few potions of Magic Restoration for when I got my magic back and a potion that was inside a locked chest at the back of the room (which I opened with a KC Punch to the lock) that was labeled as 'F.U.N.'. Unfortunately, there weren't any potions that would get my magic going.

I was about to leave when I heard movement from a corner of the room. I went to investigate and found a mare covered in cuts lying face down in what was probably her own blood. Wait, is that female Watcher? I summoned a Support Circle under her, willed it to follow me and walked back into one of the hospital rooms. I laid her onto the bed and started healing her with Regeneration Potions. Well, that's her wounds healed, now I just need to wait for her to wake up. Maybe she can tell me what the buck is going on.

Author's Notes:

This chapter was serious, so here's some silliness to counteract it:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6QM7CrAIvf4

The Way It Went (Seeker's POV)

It was a day like any other; Sink and I were guarding the door to study 11P, making sure that Lord Solaris was left undisturbed while he played Extreme Jenga with Prince Artemis. We had been standing there for an hour or so when Sink spoke up.

"Uh, Seeker," she started, "I've gotta go do this thing."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I've just gotta go do a thing, I'll be back in a bit." Sink quickly headed off down the hallway.

"Sink! Wait! You can't keep leaving your post like this!" No matter how much I called, she wouldn't come back. For a moment I was tempted to go after her to make sure she stayed away from the bathrooms, but the moment passed and I went back to guarding.

A little while later, I heard the sound of galloping hooves. I looked down the hallway to see Ass Caresser, the royal masseuse, sprinting towards me. She reached me and stopped to take a few breaths.

"Ass? What's wrong?"

"I..." She gasped. "I need to see Lord Solaris!"

"Okay." I turned around and opened the door. Ass ran through. About thirty seconds passed before Ass and Lord Solaris came quickly through the door. Ass went back the way she had come from.

"Seeker," said Lord Solaris, "come with m- Wait, where's Sink?"

"She, uh, said she needed to go somewhere, your majesty." Lord Solaris groaned and rolled his eyes.

"Dammit, Seeker, why do you always let her go?"

"I-I just-!"

"Do you know how much work it'll be to tell somepony else to fix that?"

"Well-"

"Can you just skip to the important parts?" Asked the turquoise stallion, cutting me off.

"It's not a proper story if I don't go over everything!" I retorted. The stallion put his face into his hooves and groaned.

"Fine! Just get on with it!"

"Do you know how much work it'll be to tell somepony else to fix that?" Asked Lord Solaris.

"Well, it-"

"Rhetorical question!" Lord Solaris lit up his horn and teleported Soap Squeeze, the head royal janitor, next to us.

"Gah!" Exclaimed Soap. "Don't do that!"

"Sink is going at the sinks again." Soap groaned loudly and glared at me.

"For Solaris's sake, Seeker! No offense, Lord Solaris."

"None taken."

"Why do you always let her do this?!"

"B-But I-" I started before being cut off.

"You know what, Seeker?" Asked Lord Solaris. "Forget it. Go help Soap instead. Maybe this time you won't fail." Lord Solaris walked off down the hallway, leaving Soap and I to ourselves. Soap turned to me again, shaking her head.

"I-I was just trying to-!"

"Shut up and get the unclogging potion," Soap said bitterly before walking away. I sighed sadly. Why do I alway let her go? I need to-

"Why do I need to hear about all this?!" Interrupted the stallion again. I glared at him.

"It makes a nice lead in!" I exclaimed.

"We don't have time for 'lead ins'! I need to know what happened without the dramatic retelling!"

"Jeez! Fine! As I made my way to the potion storage I fell down some stairs, which is why I was cut up. Then when I finally made it there I passed out from blood loss. There, happy?" The stallions right eye twitched.

"Are you telling me," he started in a quiet voice, "that you don't even know why everypony's missing?"

"Well... No... I don't..." The stallion gained a weird expression.

"Would you excuse me for a moment?"

"Uh, okay?" The stallion left the room. I heard a muffled scream. "Are you okay?!" The stallion came back into the room looking a bit less stressed.

"Okay. From the sounds of it; the sink was blocked just before I was found in the gardens. How long does it normally take Soap to unblock them?"

"Usually a few hours, Sink is really good at blocking them up."

"I'm gonna go check if they're still blocked. You should probably just stay here before you give me a stroke from anger." He started to walk out of the room again.

"I'm sorry!" The stallion either didn't hear me or ignored me. Maybe I should go help him... I stood up and stretched out, making by back and wings pop, then set off after him.

Author's Notes:

Chapters should start getting longer again soon.

---

R63 names used from here.

---

I finally made enough progress in my serious story to post it!
Here's a link.

BWAAH

Seeker's information had been almost completely useless. The only useful thing I'd found out was that the sinks had been blocked just before I was found. After I'd been found, I was unconscious for about twenty minutes to an hour, then I'd gone around Dongville for another ten minutes. Finally, I went to Appledong for a fight and then back again which took about forty minutes. That made a total of somewhere between an hour and fifty minutes and an hour and ten. Unblocking them took a few hours, so if I checked to see if they were still blocked I could see if everypony disappeared very soon after I was knocked out.

I reached the bathroom that Bog usually targeted, hoping that it was the right one. Here goes nothing. I turned on a tap and, sure enough, the sink was blocked up. How do bread and cheese block pipes so effectively? Well, assuming Sink uses sandwiches like Bog does. There was a noise from behind me. I spun around and saw Seeker sprawled on the floor. I rolled my eyes. Dammit, Seeker... I summoned a Support Circle under her torso and lifted her back up onto her hooves.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I was... Just seeing... If you... Needed help..." She wheezed.

"How did you get tired from a run as short as that?"

"I've... Only just... Woken up!"

"Oh yeah. Fair enough."

"So... What did you... Find?"

"They're still blocked, so whatever happened was over with quickly."

"Now... What?"

"Do you have any clue how I can regain my magic?"

"No..."

"Then I've got no idea." Considering the attack on Appleloosa, the Cult of Disharmony was probably involved. I could understand if they only managed to get one God-Dong with a surprise attack, but how did they get Solaris and... Wait... "That's it! I've got it!"

"What?"

"God-Dong II! I can contact him in a dream!" I summoned a Support Circle under the both of us an started flying us back to the potion storage.

"Wait, didn't you say before that you were unconscious recently? If Prince Artemis even could contact you, why didn't he do it then?"

"I'd been brought here by somepony, they could have easily stop any dream I was having if they were good enough to stop my magic. I've woken up since then so if I go to sleep now, it should reset. I'll dream again so God-Dong II can contact me."

"How will you go to sleep so quickly? And where are we going?"

"Potions. That answers both questions by the way. We're going to find a potion to make me lose consciousness."

"Oh. Okay." There was a little silence as we sped along. "Who are you, anyway? You never introduced yourself."

"Cloud Calculation. I'm Sky Calculator's male doppelganger from an alternate universe, here to get laid to save my future daughter from being erased from time and stop the destruction of two universes." Seeker let out an annoyed sigh.

"If you're not going to tell me then at least don't lie to my face." I landed us started looking for a sleeping potion. Should I think of a colour for that? No point, I'll probably never need one again.

"I'm not lying." I found a sleeping potion, put it on a small Support Circle and went to a hospital room.

"Oh yeah, you're definitely telling the truth." I took off my armour and saddlebags and lay down on the room's bed.

"I know." I got comfortable and drank the potion. A wave of exhaustion washed over me and I collapsed.

"What the buck is going on?" Asked a strangely familiar voice from behind me. I turned around to see Ludong with a horrified look plastered on his face.

"I might have taken too much potion," I replied as a banana that was one day from retirement fell to the ground, clutching his chest. Never again would he see his family. They were a good bunch.

"That was the worst pun we've ever heard."

"'We'?"

"Yes."

"Okay. So what happened in real life? Where is everypony?" Ludong put on sunglasses and a black tie.

"You already have the answer within you, Cloud," he said in a dramatic voice.

"I'd ask how you know my name, but this is my dream after all."

"You know exactly what happened and where we all are."

"Really?"

"Yes. But in order to find out, you must go," he put on another pair of sunglasses, "another layer deep."

"Oh?"

"You must perform something I call," he put on a third pair of sunglasses, "inception."

"You said 'I' instead of 'we' that time."

"Yes," he put on a forth pair of sunglasses, "I did."

"Why are doing that?"

"What do you," he put on a fifth pair of sunglasses, "mean?"

"Putting on sunglasses."

"It makes me look," he put on a sixth pair of sunglasses, "badass."

"Okay."

"It is time to perform," he put on a seventh pair of sunglasses, "ince-" All of his sunglasses fell off. "Shit!"

"What do you mean 'go another layer deep'?"

"I must take you into a dream," he put on a pair of sunglasses, "within a dream."

"Okay."

"Well I'll tell you how it's possi- Wait, what?"

"I'm pretty lucid right now so I'll just get another potion." I pictured the sleeping potion and forced it into existence. "Should I just drink this right now?"

"Not yet. First, I need to," he put on a second pair of sunglasses, "take a doodie."

"Okay." I sat and waited for a while Ludong squatted in some bushes. "Done yet?"

"Yes," he walked out from the bushes and put on another pair of sunglasses, "I am."

"Can you stop that? It's really obnoxious."

"Fine. Party pooper..."

"Thank you." I drank the potion and once again collapsed.

Celestia was tap-dancing on top of a piano while Luna did... Things to a potato. Ludong materialized next to me.

"Now what?" I asked.

"Who are they?" He counter-asked.

"You and your brother back in Teatverse."

"What she doing to that potato...?"

"I don't know and I don't want to know. What do we do now?"

"I thought an extra layer would be enough for you to remember, but it looks like I was wrong."

"Remember what?" Ludong turned to me.

"Stop calling me Ludong."

"What?"

"We're in your mind, I can hear the monologue."

"It's my monologue, I can call you whatever I want!"

"Fine."

"What would I remember? I was knocked out when everything happened."

"You may not have been conscious, but your senses were still active. If we go deep enough, you can remember anything you heard, smelt, tasted or touched."

"No sight?"

"Your eyes were probably closed."

"Fair enough. Why don't you just tell me yourself?"

"Honestly?" I nodded. "I..." He sighed. "I don't really know..."

"Well, where are you?"

"I'm not sure. It's just sort of... Cloudy." Cloudy? Wait! Could he mean...?!

It looked like I was inside a cloud. Everything was very cloudy. And misty. Mistfully cloudy. A room of cloudy mist. With cloud walls. And ceiling.

That's got to be it! He's... Wherever that was. I really should've looked into what that was...

"Show me what the place it looked like so I can confirm if it's the same place," demanded Ludong. What? Oh right, he can hear my thoughts here.

"Okay, how do I do that?"

"Are you familiar with the thought-projection spell?"

"Yeah."

"Imagine you're casting it and it should happen."

"But my magic is cut off, it won't work."

"You're dreaming, anything can happen here. Where did you think you got that potion from?"

"I didn't really think about it."

"Anyway; you wouldn't be able to actually cast the spell even if you did have your magic, but you can make a version of it happen."

"Great!"

"Anything you can imagine can happen in dreams, especially when lucid."

"Not so great."

"What?"

"I can imagine some weird shit. Anyway..." I imagined I was pouring magic into my horn and forcing it into a thought-projection spell. Sure enough, a window in the fabric of dream reality appeared in front of us, showing me and I as we went to deal with past myself in the ethereal place.

"Yes!" Ludong loudly exclaimed. "That's it! That is where we are!"

"Okay, now we're making progress. The next question is, where the buck is it? I got there before when two versions of me from different timelines went back to the same point in time, so what do I do now?"

"My brother believes that this plane of existence exists partially separate to our own universe."

"So it's a type of pocket dimension?"

"That's what my brother thinks at least."

"Interesting, but how do I get there?"

"There is one creature that could get you there... One that was petrified and-"

"Discord?" Ludong looked confused.

"Who?"

"The God of chaos."

"Oh, you mean Eris? Yes, that is who I mean. You will have to convince her somehow to-"

"Yeah-yeah-yeah, I already know how." I can just do the same thing I did with Discord. "How will I undo the petrification? I don't have my magic."

"Which takes us back to the subject at hoof. We need to go another layer deep so that you can remember what they did to you."

"Why another one? Can't I just do another thought-projection spell?"

"The memories are buried deep in your subconsciousness. You'll need to go equally deep to access them."

"Okay." I created another sleeping potion. "Let's go." I drank it and collapsed a third time.

I was in a train made of chocolate surrounded by gingerbread Ponies who were screaming and running around. Looking out of a window, I could see that we weren't on any tracks and were speeding towards a chasm. Ludong reverse-melted next to me.

"You dream some really weird things," he observed.

"So how do I get to the memories?" I asked.

"I don't know. Going deeper didn't seem to help."

"Are you sure I even have them?"

"No."

"The- Wait, what?!"

"They did it in a book I once read so I thought it would be an interesting thing to try."

"Are you bucking kidding me?!"

"Sadly, it looks like it won't work."

"This was just a huge waste of time?!"

"Do you want to try going down another layer?" Before I could answer, the train flew into the chasm, hit a wall and exploded, killing me instantly.

My eyes snapped open to see Celestia tap-dancing on a piano. I had only gone up one layer. Ludong popped into existence next to me looking sombre.

"So many gingerbread casualties..."

"You're telling me that all of this was for nothing?!"

"Yes."

"Wha- Why would- You just- UGH!"

"It was pretty fun, right? And now you know to go to Eris to try and find us."

"Yeah! Eris! Great! It's not like I can't undo the petrification or- Wait..." ...But then why would they...? Oh my Realta.

"What's wrong?"

"It wasn't them..."

"What?"

"It wasn't the Cult of Disharmony... It couldn't have been..."

"Why not?"

"Because they didn't make sense with not making sense..."

"You've lost me." I pulled a whiteboard out of nowhere and a marker out of nowhere else. I wrote 'makes sense' near the top and then 'doesn't make sense' below it.

"The Cult are all about not making sense." I pointed to 'doesn't make sense'. "So them not making sense would be what you would expect." I drew a tick next to 'doesn't make sense'. "When they do something that would normally mean making sense," I pointed to 'makes sense', "they automatically stop making sense because they're doing something different than usual. Follow me so far?"

"I think so?"

"Their overall goal is to free Dis- Is to free Eris." I wrote 'Chaos God' in big letters in the corner of the board. "Now then; why would they need to clear Canterlot of its population?"

"Uh..."

"More specifically; what would they need to get that would require no interruption?"

"The statue of Eris?"

"But what haven't they done?"

"Taken the- Oh my stars..."

"Get it?"

"But what does it mean?!"

"Who would benefit from the lack of disharmony?"

"Everypony?"

"Not quite. Everyone. The whole of Magi. So!" I spun the whiteboard around to its clean side. "The motivation is set." I wrote 'harmony' on the board. "World peace. Well, more or less. Now why does this sound oh so familiar? Because this isn't the first try."

"This isn't the first try of what?"

"This isn't the first try to get harmony. Do you know about the ancient prophecy? 'The explosion of colour will set the destiny of six Ponies to wield the ultimate magic, and the final harmony will take the throne to Equestria'?"

"Yes, I know of it."

"Well, Sky and I interrupted the prophecy and threw it right down the shitter. Everyone goes crazy, there's a worldwide panic. A certain Cult forms to, supposedly, celebrate the return of the Chaos God. But what if it was all just an act? What if the Cult was just to lure in anyone who doubted the harmony? And what if those who doubted were sent to Appleloosa to distract Sky and Solaris while the rest of them worked?"

"Wouldn't they be sent to distract you also?"

"No. This has been a long time coming. Me coming here was an unexpected event in their plan, which is why I was left behind. They didn't know if I was just some look alike or clone gone wrong, so they took away my magic and locked me away."

"I'm confused. Who's 'they' and where did they take everypony?"

"You don't remember being taken, do you?"

"No."

"That's because you and Solaris were the only ones that were abducted. Everypony else went consensually."

"But why?"

"Because it was somepony they trusted. Somepony with power, wealth and control. Somepony who could get an entire city to evacuate without suspicion fast enough to stop jobs as simple as janitorial work." And leave the sinks blocked.

"Who?"

"The mortal government."

"What? Why would they do that?"

"The government wanted to restore order and get the prophecy back on track. To do that, they would need the Elements of Harmony."

"But I destroyed them, so...?"

"The prophecy was set in stone, so when Sky beat you and I beat Luna without saving the Elements we created an unstable point in each universe. When I was in the pocket dimension it was because an alternate timeline was being permanently destroyed. If I had died before going back to do what I had seen myself do, the first timeline would have been restored."

"What's wrong with that?"

"If the first timeline was restored, I would try again in the exact same way. Then the second timeline wouldn't be secured and would be erased again. It would keep happening. An infinite amount of times a second until the universe burnt out and was destroyed. Until everything was one hundred percent certain to be okay, I was stuck in the pocket dimension."

"So what? Are they trying to create an alternate timeline?"

"Sort of. Back in Teatverse, my daughter is being erased from time. We thought it was because she stopped me coming here and slamming Sky in the not-butt, but now I see what the real reason really is. She didn't almost stop me from screwing Sky, she almost stopped me from stopping the mortal government trying to stop Sky from stopping you from stopping the prophecy."

"I don't understand what they're trying to do. Are they trying to destroy the universe?"

"No. They're going to accidentally destroy the universe by stopping Sky. That, is how you got stuck in the pocket dimension. They knew you and Solaris would try to stop them, so they trapped you two there. They think they're doing good."

"They do?"

"They think they're helping the world, when in reality they're killing two."

"Why did they need Canterlot to be empty?"

"I don't know yet. But I will. Wake me up."

"Where are you going?"

"I'm gonna save the universes. I guess you were right though."

"Right?" I put on sunglasses.

Author's Notes:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n2vwsIyTPWc&feature=youtu.be

---

R63 names used from here.

The Vesp Of The Past (Vesper's POV)

"...And then he left to talk to or fight Discord," explained Luna. I was in a coma, dying from accidentally stalling Dad's... 'Adventures' in a parallel universe. God-Horse II had started up a dream for me so she could come into it and tell me what was going on. We were sitting at a bar.

"Has my condition improved?" I asked, signalling the bar-Pony to refill my drink.

"No. Our- My sister claims that-"

"You know, you can say 'our' instead of 'my' here, I really don't care."

"Yes, but my sister wishes me to, as she puts it, 'update my linguistical abilities'." The bar-Pony refilled my drink and I took a gulp. "Anyway, as I was saying; my sister claims that your condition will improve when, and only when, Cloud actually accomplishes his task."

"So he could be in the middle of, well, y'know..." I sipped my drink.

"Your mother?" I coughed, spitting my drink over the counter. "Are you alright?" I took a few seconds to recover.

"Yeah. Anyway, so he could be in the middle of 'it' right now but I won't be okay until he, er... 'Completes his task'?" 'Complete' being the operative word...

"Yes. What do you mean by 'complete being the operative word'?"

"What? Oh right, you can hear the... Yeah. It's nothing, it's just a thing." I took a sip of my drink. "So what'll happen when you leave? Will the dream end?"

"Yes, the dream would end. However, I intend to stay in your company for a while to provide entertainment and comfort."

"Thanks, I really appreciate it."

"So what is it like?"

"What's what like?

"The universe you are from, what is it like?"

"It's... Different."

"Would you go back there if you had the chance?"

"For a visit? Yeah. To stay? Tartarus no."

"Why not? Do you not prefer it over there?" I sighed and took a drink before answering.

"I have a reason to stay here. I don't have one to go back."

"What about family? Your mother?" I didn't answer. "What's wrong?"

"...It's nothing."

"Would you prefer to talk about something else?"

"Yeah, just... Just move on."

"Very well. I hear mortals enjoy talking of their past exploits, so tell me, how did you earn your mark of ability?"

"My cutie mark?" I laughed. "Now there's a good story!"

"Then please, do tell."

"Sure. Okay, so I'd always love to hear the stories about the adventures my Mom used to go on before she stopped to take care of me, and one day, I decided to have an adventure of my own..."

"Mom!" I called, standing at the base of the stairs.

"What?!" Asked Mom.

"Can I borrow your sword?!"

"What for?!"

"I... Wanted to make a sandwich!"

"What?! Why would you make a sandwich with a sword?!"

"It'd be fun! And I need to practice using my magic anyway!"

"Dammit, Overcast! If you tried to make a sandwich with Dawnbreaker you'd set it on fire!"

"I, er, I wanted a toasted sandwich anyway!"

"Then why didn't you just ask me to make you one?!"

"I wanted to make it myself!" I heard the sound of her facehoofing groan. "So can I borrow it?!"

"No! You can't use a sword to make a sandwich!"

"Why not?!"

"Because I said so!"

"Dad would let me!"

"No he wouldn't!"

"Yeah he would!"

"Am I gonna have to come down there and lock my sword away?!"

"No-no-no! Don't!"

"Are you going to try to make a sandwich with it?!"

"No! I'm not gonna do anything with it!"

"Good! Just leave it alone! You'll poke out and set fire to your eye!"

"Fine!" I'll just have to be sneaky, it won't take long anyway. I snuck over to the study and opened the door. There in its case lay Dawnbreaker, as awesome looking as always. I quickly opened up the case and picked it up with telekinesis, holding it it front of me.

This is gonna be awesome!

After sneaking out of the house with the sword, I galloped as quickly as I could to the edge of the Everfree Forest. I stopped for a few minutes to catch my breath and let my magic recharge a little, then headed inside to start my adventure.

I was only a few steps inside when everything became much, much darker than it was outside. For a moment I stopped, scared of what could happen to me. The moment quickly passed and I continued heading deeper into the forest, the sword now in a better position, ready to be swung at anything that would want to attack me.

I went like this for about thirty minutes until I finally reached my destination; the Castle of The Royal Pony Sisters. I was pretty tired by this point, so I stopped carrying the sword with telekinesis and dragged it with my mouth instead. I got to the door and dropped the sword entirely to stare up at the door. I hadn't realized just how huge it was until then.

After staring at it for a minute or two I tried opening it with my magic, only to realize that I'd used almost all of it from carrying the sword for so long. I groaned and started pushing at it the old fashioned way. I tried for a good five minutes, but, much to my dismay, I had to stop. I sat there, panting.

"How am I supposed to get in now?" I asked myself. Unfortunately, something heard me. The sound of growling emanated from behind me, making me spin around in fear. Three Timberwolves were making their way towards me, each baring teeth and drooling their sap. I gasped and dived for the sword. I tried to lift it with my hooves, but it was far too heavy. I tried using my magic to lift it, but I was too panicked. I couldn't lift it. The middle Timberwolf lunged at me and pinned me down.

It was about then when I started screaming.

The Timberwolf snarled loudly and followed it up with a rake of its claws across my face. Blood oozed from my muzzle as the other two Timberwolves came up to my sides. It would have been acceptable for me to have passed out from shock, scream even louder or start crying. But what did I do instead?

I got angry. Really angry. Really, really, angry. Like, the special kind of angry. The kind of anger you get when you wait for an hour at a restaurant for food but then they get your order wrong and you have to wait even longer, and your date wants to leave because he's already finished his food but you're all like, "no! I wanna eat, ya dick!" But he mishears you and he thinks you're going onto him really strongly and he's not completely okay with that so he dumps you and leaves 'cause he's a pussy, then your food finally arrives and it was shit anyway so you go home to take a bath and try to calm down and your Mom's like, "hey! How was the date?" And you're like, "I don't wanna talk about it, I just wanna take a bath, maybe eat some ice cream and go to bed." But then she's like, "oh! So it's like that! Well screw you miss 'too good to talk to your Mom'!" And then she storms off and you're nearly blind from anger so you just go to take your bath but the boiler's broken so the water's cold and you don't want to heat it up yourself so you just go to bed but then you can't sleep because you're too stressed and then your sleep schedule is ruined. That kind of angry.

Anyway, I forced all of the anger into my horn and blasted the Timberwolf with a flamethrower-y type of thing, sending it flying into a tree, exploding on impact. The other two Timberwolves saw the fire and backed off slightly, but I was just getting started. I grabbed the burning body of the first Timberwolf with my magic and threw it at the one to my left. They collided and the second became like the first. The third Timberwolf pounced at me and had me pinned down again, so I threw a fireball at its head, strong enough to blow it up. Its body fell into a heap.

I climbed to my hooves, grabbed the sword with my magic and angrily limped back home.

By the time I was there, the anger had worn off. I was back to a scared and injured little filly. I hoped that Mom wouldn't have noticed I was gone so I wouldn't have to face her, but I immediately encountered her when I went inside. For a second or two she was angry, but the anger quickly turned to worry when she saw the state of me.

I cried, we hugged and I went to bed. The next day, I realized I'd earned my mark. Also that I'd caused a forest fire.

"...And that's the gist of it," I finished. Luna stared at me in shock, mouth agape.

"What?!" She exclaimed. "You- And then- I- What?!"

"It was a bit more exciting than the things most fillies and colts go through for their mark, but I got a good story out of it so it's all okay." Luna was stunned for a few more seconds before sighing and relaxing.

"Overcast Vesper, you truly are your father's daughter." She took a long drink. I laughed.

"Yeah, I really am."

"Do you have any clue as to why he is taking as long as he is?" I shook my head.

"Nope. But it's probably trouble. If it is then I'm not sure whether to be worried or happy for him, he's been pretty bored lately. I just hope he's okay, for both our sakes..."

Author's Notes:

Vesper's mane looked weird in the picture because it was at an angle I'm not used to drawing.
Sorry about that.

---

Only one or two chapters left on this arc.

The Calm Before The Storm

My eyes snapped open. I was still on the hospital bed. Seeker was sitting to my right, watching me. The unstable point was created at the Everfree castle, so that's where they must have gone. Well, either there or the field. I have no idea how to restore my magic, so I'm gonna have to improvise. I still don't know why the city was evacuated. Hmm...

"Are you okay?" Asked Seeker, drawing my attention. "You've been staring at that wall for a while now."

"Yeah-yeah-yeah, I'm fine," I replied, yawning. "We need to get to the Everfree right now."

"What? Why?"

"Because I said so, shut up." I climbed off of the bed and nearly tripped over my own hooves. "Okay, maybe after I wake up properly first. Go get me some coffee."

"Since when did I take orders from you?!"

"Do you really wanna hear the list of reasons why?"

"Uh..."

"Rhetorical question. Go get me coffee." Seeker sighed and left the room, hopefully to get me coffee. I didn't actually like coffee. In fact, I found it pretty disgusting. However, it was great for a quick energy boost without the crash you would get from something like a can of Manticore. Probably. Okay, so I hadn't actually tested to see if you crash from coffee, but Twilight drank it all the time. She also tended to go crazy sometime after, which may or may not be related to coffee crashes.

Maybe I should hang out with Twilight and the girls more, I definitely don't as much as I used to. I think I started to drift away from them around the time Vesper... 'Introduced' herself to them. I should try and get Vesper to make amends as well. It'll definitely help with the boredom after all of this is over.

Seeker came back into the room with a polystyrene cup of coffee and hoofed it to me.

"Thanks," I thanked. I drank the coffee.

"So what did you find out?" Seeker asked. I stopped drinking for a moment to answer.

"It's a government conspiracy thing. Basically."

"Is... Is that all? You think it's a conspiracy?"

"It's not just that I think it's that, it really is that."

"Says the stallion that claims he's from an alternate universe."

"Yes."

"If what you're saying is even true, why aren't you rushing to stop it?"

"They don't actually know they're killing two universes, so when I explain it to them they should stop."

"Then what?"

"I get laid."

"No, I mean what's the next move?"

"I know. Getting laid is the plan."

"Oh. With anypony specific or...?"

"Yep."

"Who?"

"Sky Calculator." Seeker snorted.

"Good luck with that."

"What do you mean?"

"I really don't think she'll sleep with somepony like you."

"Well she's already agreed to it, so there's that."

"What?!"

"But then I accidentally knocked myself unconscious on a door after gassing an army."

"That-!" Seeker sighed. "Whatever." I finished my coffee. "So what are you going to do?"

"Spread her legs and-"

"No-no-no! I meant about the government thing!"

"Oh, right."

"What the Tartarus is even going on?"

"The government wants to restore the Elements of Harmony by going back in time and changing stuff, not knowing that they would end up destroying this Magi and the one I'm from because my daughter from the future of both universes caused a paradox by meeting me."

"Oh?"

"Yep."

"You realize that I don't even slightly believe you?"

"Yep."

"Good."

"Yep."

"So what's the plan?"

"They most likely went to the Everfree castle to go back because it would be convenient for them in getting the Elements and there's also a good chance that the fabric of reality is weaker at that point because the prophecy was disrupted there."

"What prophecy?" I sighed and facehoofed.

"I'll explain on the way." I summoned a Support Circle underneath myself. "Get on the Circle." She did and I flew us towards the Everfree.

I landed us not far from the castle and fell to the ground, gasping for air.

"Are you okay?" Asked Seeker, who was now caught up on the ongoing events.

"J-Just... Just gimme a minute..." I wheezed.

"What's wrong?"

"T... Tired..."

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Uh..." Maybe Zedonga can make one of those potions that Celestia gave to me before. "Yeah... Yeah, there is..."

"Good, what do you need?"

"Somewhere... In this forest... There's a Zebra... Ask her- Him, for... A potion to give me normal energy..."

"How do I find this Zebra?"

"Fly above the trees... Look for smoke... Find the hut..."

"Okay." Seeker flew out of the forest to find Zedonga. And now I hope I don't get mauled by monsters. As I lie here. Unable to defend myself. Suddenly this plan doesn't seem so solid. ...Wait, I'm in a forest... When was the last time I cast an anti-bug ward on myself?

Why must my mind go to these places in my times of need?

Author's Notes:

The result of boredom and rereading older chapters:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l0sEu5j4w8Q&feature=youtu.be

The Storm

After about thirty minutes of lying in a pool of paranoid sweat, Seeker returned with a potion. I drank it, took a minute to recover from my panicked state and was finally prepared. We entered the castle.

"What the buck?" Seeker and I asked simultaneously.

The castle was filled with the population of Canterlot. They were lying on the ground on top of what looked like Support Circles, but instead of being boosted, their magic was being drained away. Sky was at the end of the hall, unconscious and tied to a table. She also had a Support Circle underneath her, but this one seemed to be powering her up. Is it giving her the power from the civilians? From her horn shot a beam which lead to a portal of some sort. The portal showed a bright light that I couldn't see through.

"What is this?" Asked Seeker. "What's wrong with them?"

"I think they're being drained by Arcane Circles," I explained. "Their power seems to be going to Sky who's keeping that portal open. Whoever did this has been planning this for a while. Researching Arcane Circles to the point where they can do something like this is impressive."

"And you're sure the government is behind this?"

"Definitely."

"What do we do?"

"We go through the portal and stop them."

"What about the Ponies that are trapped here?"

"We can help them later, right now we need to stop the masterminds behind this. But they do make me think of something."

"What?"

"If they were willing to make the civilians suffer, I might not be able to reason with them."

"You're strong enough to fight them though, right?"

"Maybe."

"Only maybe?"

"Well, probably. But they might have the power of the Arcane Circles on their side, and I don't have my magic."

"What happens if you can't stop them?"

"We die horribly."

"W-What?!"

"Enough questions, let's go!" I ran towards the portal and leapt through, into the light.

I landed on my hooves. I was still in the castle, but it was now midday. From the looks of things, six to twelve hours before Nightmare Dong attacked. Not too far in front of me was the good old stone structure with the five stone balls of Harmony on stone pedestals. That's still a lot of stone. Next to it was a group of five pompous-looking Ponies dressed in gold and purple clothes. One of them was wearing an interesting hat and another, closer than the others, seemed to be monolouging. Seeker stumbled out of the portal and ended up on the floor next to me.

"Smooth," I said sarcastically. Seeker gave me the stink eye.

"Well excuse me for not being well practiced in leaping through portals!" She retorted. I sighed and offered a hoof to help her up, which was soon accepted. Seeker looked toward the five Ponies. "Is that them?"

"Probably."

"So... Are you just going to ask them to stop?"

"That's the plan."

"And if it doesn't work?"

"Beat the crap out of them." I started walking towards them. Seeker scrambled to catch up before walking in sync with me.

"Wait, that's it?"

"It worked on God-Horse II, a group of slavers, myself from the past, a cultist lieutenant, a demon dog and my daughter, so it should work here. Albeit the last one was more of a fight for the sake of a fight."

"You are such a weirdo."

"That's not-! Well, I suppose this is the second time I've traverse the planes of time and space to have sex with another version of myself... Fair enough." We were near the five Ponies now. "Hey!" I called to them, causing them to turn and face me with confused expressions. "Yeah, you five!"

"Who are you?" Asked one of them.

"I'm Cloud Calculation! I'm here to politely ask you to stop what you are doing!"

"Why should we do that?" Asked another.

"If you change history here you'll end up destroying two universes." I'd stopped shouting since I was close enough for normal-ish speech.

"What?"

"My daughter accidentally caused a paradox and now if you try to restore the Elements two universes will be destroyed." The middle one, previously monolouging, stepped towards me.

"And why should we care?"

"Because-"

"Because we should care more about others than we should about ourselves?! Is that what you're going to say?!"

"What? No, I-"

"Well we've worked too hard for a peasant like you to stop us now!"

"We're really going straight to this?"

"You think that you and that stupid bitch that caused this are the only ones who can use Arcane Circles?!"

"Woah! Woah! Language!"

"We've researched your stupid Circles! And we've created one of our own!" He gained a face of constipation. An Arcane Circle was created underneath him and another under Seeker, who was giving me a worried look. "Behold! My Drain Circle!" Seeker suddenly collapsed as her magic was visibly sucked out of her. She tried to fly away, but her wings did nothing. Mr. Evil Guy seemed to be gaining magic at the same rate Seeker lost hers. After a few seconds the Circles were dismissed, leaving an exhausted Seeker and a powered up Mr. Evil Guy. Is Mr. Evil Guy really the best I can come up with? Yes. Okay.

"So you suck the magic of others for yourself? Interesting. Nowhere near as effective as a Support Circle, but still. Interesting."

"I've become unstoppable with this new power! Nopony will stand in my way!" I coughed. "And now I shall slay you where you stand! This will be the toughest battle you shall ever face, for it shall be your last bat-!" I hit him in the face with a Shield Bash, knocking him out instantly. His friends soon followed. I turned to look at Seeker.

"Are you okay?" Seeker was wheezing for breath, but managed to nod. "Good."I summoned Support Circles under her and the five shitty villains, then walked through the portal with them following. Now for the boring part of cleaning up the mess of civilians. When the portal closes, God-Dong I and II should be returned here. I guess that guy was right though. About what? His Circle really did... I put on mental sunglasses.

...Suck.

Author's Notes:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6YMPAH67f4o

---

One more chapter before things go back to normal.
Or at least as 'normal' as things usually are.

Cloudy Skies

Everything had been sorted out: God-Dong I and II were back, the civilians were all free, the portal was closed, Mr. Bad Guy and his lackeys were locked away, my magic was restored and Sky was Cloudy. The only thing left to do was to go home. The God-Dongs, Sky, Twidong and I stood by the statue of Teatcord, saying our goodbyes.

"You'd better come back to pay the child support," demanded Sky, "or I'll hunt you down and take it out of your flank!" Sounds kinky.

"Don't worry," I assured her, "I will. I have nineteen thousand bits back in my universe." Even the God-Dongs looked shocked at that one.

"H-How much?!" Exclaimed Twidong.

"Nineteen thousand. It was twenty thousand, but I spent five hundred on bread and I'm saving the other five hundred for myself."

"How did you get that much?!" Asked Sky.

"I beat the Colosseum. It's in the form of drachmas, but God-Dong can exchange it for you." I looked at God-Dong. "Right?"

"I- Er- Yeah," he managed to blurt out.

"Good." I looked back to Sky. "I'll visit when I can, but I'm not sure if there are any repercussions from traveling across the multiverse."

"Well, you'll find out if there are."

"Yeah."

"Wait," started Twidong, "if you're from a parallel universe, won't all of the things with the government be happening over there too?" Oh crap...

"Shit, I didn't think of that!"

"And back there doesn't have you or Sky right now."

"Oh crap, I've gotta-" A thought struck me. "Actually, no. It's fine."

"What do you mean?" Asked God-Dong II.

"Somepony else is dealing with it. In fact, I feel a little sorry for the bag guys. Well, bad girls over there."

"Why? What are talking about?" Asked Twidong.

"The version happening over there has to deal with Vesper. Oh," I turned to Sky, "that's her name by the way; Overcast Vesper."

"Overcast?" Repeated Sky. "I like it."

"Anyway, I should be getting back. I didn't actually tell anypony where I was going other than God-Horse, Discord and a doctor so my friends are probably worried." And knowing them they probably didn't ask God-Horse about it.

"Of course," said God-Dong.

"Goodbye, everypony." They each said their various goodbyes and God-Dong lit up his horn to release Teatcord.

I'd woken up in the same place I was when Teatcord warped me, but this time back in Teatverse. After stretching out, I headed inside the castle to talk to Celestia. I found her in one of her studies aiming a cannon at Watcher, who was tied to a levitating shark.

"What the buck are you doing?" I asked, gaining there attention. Celestia grinned.

"Ah, Cloud," she said happily, "you're back. I was just playing some Extreme Jenga with Watcher."

"Help me!" Begged Watcher, as the shark fired pineapples out of its nostrils.

"Anyway," I started, ignoring Watcher, "the government is planning to restore the Elements of Harmony with time travel and-"

"I know," interrupted Celestia. "I found out when I interrogated the lieutenant."

"Oh. Okay."

"My guess is that the version of me from that universe didn't think that sending the version of you would be enough. Which would make sense since I didn't think you would be enough either."

"Then why did you send me?"

"Because of Vesper; both of you together I expected to be more than enough. Which you were. So after finding out what they were planning, I arrested them and had them replaced."

"Fair enough. Speaking of Vesper, where is she?"

"She's getting a massage. She was lying in that hospital bed for a good while and she needed to relax."

"Okay, I'm gonna go talk with her." I turned and started walking away, but stopped and turned back. "Oh, and they were also researching Arcane Circles to the point where they made one of their own."

"Really? That's a little worrying. What did it do?"

"They called it a Drain Circle, it sucked out magic from one Pony and put it into another."

"So it's like a shit version of that Circle you have?"

"Yeah, it's like a crappy Support Circle. Anyway, if there's a jailbreak then they'll be using that." I turned again to go and talk to Vesper.

Vesper was lying face down on a massage table, having oil rubbed into her coat by Butt Rubber. She saw me and grinned.

"Hey Dad!" She called.

"Hey Vesper," I replied.

"So, you got laid?"

"Yeah, I got laid."

"Was it good?"

"I'm not going into detail."

"Okay."

"How do you feel?"

"Pretty damn good. You?" I sighed.

"Tired. Why can't the traversal of time and space ever be easy?" Vesper laughed.

"I know right?" There was a small pause.

"So I'm officially a father now."

"And you weren't before?"

"I don't think it really counts if you don't exist, even if you traveled back here." Vesper laughed again.

"Okay, fair enough."

"Well, I'm dying for a good few bottles of cider, so we can talk more later."

"See you, Dad."

"See you later, Vesper." I went off to find a bar.

Author's Notes:

And the R63 arc is finally done!
Only a few chapters to go until 'A Canterlot Wedding', and then it's time for a lot of fun!

Hurricane Fluttershy Part 1

It turned out that I may had messed up on something. Sure, the universes were saved, Vesper fully existed and I'd had a good drink, but there was something I'd forgotten about:

Discord.

The Draconequus has sent me there in the first place.

The Draconequus that hadn't been recaptured after I had freed him.

It was because of this that Vesper and I had to search the country for a few days to try and find him. After our inevitable failure, Vesper picked up Watcher from Canterlot and we all went back to Ponyville. It was glad to see the place without an overwhelming amount of dick everywhere. The three of us landed just outside of the library and I opened the door, allowing us to go inside.

As usual, the place was a complete mess. Books and papers were scattered everywhere while Spike and Toasty attempted to clean them up. Spike looked up from what he was doing as he heard the door close.

"Cloud!" He exclaimed in surprise. "You're back!"

"Hey, Spike," I greeted. Vesper dragged Watcher down into the basement and shut the door behind her.

"Where have you been?!"

"Seriously? I'm gone for over a week and nopony decided to ask Celestia?" I sighed and facehoofed. "Basically it went like this; Vesper almost erased herself from time so I had to go to an alternate universe to have sex with myself, but then the government hatched a plan to go back in time and reclaim the Elements of Harmony so I had to beat them first and save both universes from destruction, then I came back and realized that I'd set Discord free so Vesper and I went looking for him but couldn't find him, so we just came back to let Celestia deal with it. Any questions?"

"Uh..."

"So where's Twilight?"

"She's, uh, helping Rainbow Dash with something at the park. An alternate universe?"

"Okay. I'm gonna go catch up and whatever. See you later." I went back outside and started walking to the park.

Twilight, Rainbow and almost all of the Pegasi in Ponyville were at the park's racetrack. Twilight was messing around with a fan while Rainbow, who was wearing a cap, went back and forth between the Pegasi and saying stuff I couldn't hear. Cloud Chaser and Flitter walked up to Twilight. I was now close enough to hear them.

"What exactly does this machine do?" Asked Cloud Chaser. Damn my brain for being too tired to think up a pun about our first names being the same...

"This is an anemometer," explained Twilight. "It measures your accelerative velocity and translates it into wing power, thus gauging your cumulative H2O anti-gravitational potential." The two sisters looked as confused as before. "Any other questions?" I was right next to them, so I stopped walking.

"Yeah," said Flitter, turning to me. "What exactly does this machine do?"

"It's a speed measure-y thing," I replied. Twilight looked up in surprise at the sound of my voice.

"Cloud?!" Exclaimed Twilight.

"What?" Asked Cloud Chaser.

"No, not you! You!" She pointed at me.

"Me?" Asked a voice from behind me. I turned to see Cloud Kicker.

"No!"

"Me?" Asked Cotton Cloudy from the right.

"No! Why are there so many Ponies here called Cloud?!"

"I guess this place is..." I said, putting on sunglasses, "Cloudy." I could literally hear crickets. "I'm tired, okay?" The cloud crowd went back to what they were doing before.

"Where have you been?! What happened to Vesper?! Is she okay?! Why are your puns worse than usual?!"

"One; I'll tell you later. Two; I'll tell you later. Three; yeah. Four; I'm tired from searching for Discord."

"What do you mean searching for Discord?" Twilight gasped. "Is he free?!" Dammit. "What happened?!" I raised a hoof to tell her to shut up.

"Just..." I sighed. "I'll tell you when I tell the others. I don't want to explain everything over and over."

"Cloud!" Exclaimed Rainbow who'd finally spotted me. I waved to her as she flew over to Twilight and I.

"Hey, Rainbow."

"You're back! What happened with what's-her-name?"

"Vesper's fine, I'll tell you the whole story later. So what's going on with all this? Is there a race or something?" Rainbow suddenly looked excited.

"No, even better! Cloudsdale has chosen Ponyville's water reservoir for this year's rainwater!"

"What?"

"Basically it works like this: Cloudsdale makes clouds filled with rain for-"

"Aren't all clouds filled with rain since they're made of evaporated water?"

"Yeah, but these are magic rain clouds with extra water."

"If you say so."

"As I was saying: Cloudsdale makes clouds filled with rain for all of Equestria and-"

"What about the rest of Magi?"

"What?"

"Do they only make magic clouds for Equestria?"

"Well... Yeah, but other countries have their own cloud manufacturers."

"Oh, right."

"Anyway: Cloudsdale makes clouds filled with rain for all of Equestria and every year they need to collect more, so they choose a water reservoir and-"

"Wouldn't taking it from one place at a time be really inefficient and unbalance the amounts of water in each area?"

"No, they cycle through the different places which balances it out."

"I suppose if they did it well enough it could work..."

"As I was trying to say: Cloudsdale makes clouds filled with rain for all of Equestria and every year they need to collect more, so they choose a water reservoir and use a tornado to suck up the water up to-"

"Wouldn't it be more efficient to just expose the water to more heat than everywhere else and take it up as basic clouds?"

"Let me finish, damn it!"

"All right, jeez!"

"Cloudsdale makes clouds filled with rain for all of Equestria and every year they need to collect more, so they choose a water reservoir and use a tornado to suck up the water up to the weather factory. This year they chose Ponyville's water, so the Ponyville Pegasi have to make the torna-"

"Wouldn't it be better to have a special crew for making the tornado?"

"Gah! Forget it!" Rainbow flew off. Nailed it.

I stuck around for a while to watch everypony test their wing power. After a while, I had an idea: If a Unicorn powered up with a Support Circle and became stronger with their casting magic for a short time, would a Pegasus powered up with one become stronger with their flight magic and, if so, how much? I discussed the idea with Twilight for a little while before asking Rainbow if I could test it on her, which she said I could.

She stood ready at the starting line of the racetrack and nodded to me. I nodded back and summoned a Support Circle, powering her up. If the look on her face wasn't enough to know she felt it, the Majistamp style glow in her wings was. She shot off of the starting line, flying past the speed measure-y thing with almost enough wind built up to knock it over. She skidded to a halt as I went to see what the reading was. That's probably a high number. I have no idea if that's good or not.

"That was awesome!" Exclaimed Rainbow as she trotted over to me. "I was like a blade of wind!"

"That makes no sense," I pointed out. ...But it does give me an idea for a new Arcane Circle...

"I don't care! That was bucking awesome! How fast was I?!"

"Forty nine point five." Everypony looked shocked. "Is that a lot?"

"Cloud, her normal reading is sixteen point five," Twilight explained. Wow, that's a big increase.

"Oh. Cool. Well, I'm gonna go and sleep for a while." I teleported to- Gah! Rainbow tackled me to the floor before I could finish teleporting, cutting the spell off entirely. I glared at her. "What was that for?!"

"If you did that to everypony here, we could beat the wing power record easily!" Exclaimed Rainbow.

"Yeah, and you would also be cheating."

"It's not cheating! There aren't any rules against it!"

"It's the equivalent of magic steroids!"

"So?!"

"So what if something goes wrong?! There wouldn't be any Pegasi to stop the tornado because they'd all be tired from the SC Boost!"

"What good's all your magic if you can't even stop a simple tornado?!"

"It wouldn't be 'just a simple tornado', it would be an SC Tornado!"

"How does that change anything?!"

"It changes it because it would be powered up with some of my most powerful magic!"

"You would still be able to stop it! You said it yourself; you're much more powerful than a normal Unicorn!"

"Which only makes it worse!"

"No it doesn't!"

"Yes it does! If I'm more powerful, then the tornado my magic powered up would be more powerful!"

"Uh, guys?" Asked Twilight. "How long are you going to be lying like that?" Rainbow and I both looked down in confusion to realize that she was still lying on top of me, and we were both in... Suggestive positions. Rainbow quickly flew off with a blush as I quickly flipped myself onto my hooves with telekinesis. "How did you not notice that?"

"I-It was the heat of the argu- I mean-! That-! That sounded worse than I meant!"

"Y-Yeah!" Stammered Rainbow. "We were just...! Shut up, Twilight!"

"I think we should finish this discussion later."

"Agreed." Twilight grinned evilly.

"Somewhere more private?" She asked.

"Yeah!"

"Where you won't disturbed?"

"Ye- No!" I exclaimed. "It- We just- Gah! Goodbye!" I quickly teleported back to the library before I could say something that I'd regret. Stupid Twilight and her stupid stupidness... Rainbow and I would never- Ugh, screw this. I'm going to bed. And then I should think more about that new Circle...

Author's Notes:

This one was fun to write!

Hurricane Fluttershy Part 2

After waking up, I started working on the new Arcane Circle. It would mostly be used in the instances where my magic was cut off or disabled in some way, but it would still be incredibly useful. It would work in a similar way Kinetic Circles did, or at least when I would first summon them. They would offer me more range than a KC Punch or Shield Bash, and would (theoretically) be much faster to use.

After about five hours of working on it, all that was left was to test-

A sharp knock on my door cut off my train of thought. That's weird, Twilight normally just yells for me and anypony else just barges in...

"Come in," I said to the door. It opened, revealing Vesper. "Hey, Vesper."

"Hey, Dad," she replied, in a much less enthusiastic voice than normal. She almost looks sad...

"What's wrong?" She came over and sat next to me. On the floor. Where I was.

"I just..." She sighed and looked down at the ground. "I've been thinking."

"Sounds painful." She looked up at me, a hint of annoyance mixed in with the sadness.

"Could you not?"

"Sorry. So what's wrong?" She looked back down at the ground waited a few moments before answering.

"When I came to this universe and ended up back here, I thought it was great. Well, after I'd gotten over the little bit of anger of messing up. Anyway, I thought it was great; not only would I get to stay with you but I'd get to see you in your glory days. I wouldn't just get to see the stories you told me, or will tell me or whatever, unfold, I would get to live them!"

"So what's the problem?"

"The problem is that by being here I'm causing paradoxes all over the place. I've already caused the cliche paradox of preventing my own birth and it's only now that I realise that by just being here I'll cause so many more. If I try to live the stories you told- Will tell- Buck it, you know what I mean. If I try to live the stories you told me I would change them and cause more paradoxes."

"That's not that big of a problem. When I get to the point where I'm telling present you stories I'll just make them up."

"That... Okay, yeah, that would fix those. But what about others? Next time there might not be a big window of time for you or me to fix it. Anyway, that leads to why I'm talking to you about this: I'm thinking of getting God-Horse to send me to the time I was aiming for in the first place. The longer I stay here, the more I put everything at risk. Plus it's bucking annoying having to use shit that's twenty years outdated to me."

"I keep forgetting that you know what future magic and technology is like."

"Yeah. And there are loads of advances as well, for, as usual, reasons I can't say."

"So... Will you stay or go?" Vesper looked up at me with a surprised expression.

"Wait, you're not completely against the idea?"

"No, why would I be?"

"I don't know; drama? Plot convenience?"

"Plot convenience?"

"The multiverse is endless, there's got to be at least a few universes where this is some form of story."

"I mean... I guess that's true. But why would I make it easy for the authors in said universes? If they're any good then they should work with what they have."

"I guess that's true. Although I doubt this part would be in any story. If the author's taking themselves seriously, that is."

"I don't know, what if they run out of ideas and resort to this without realising that this exact discussion was happening in alternate universe?"

"That's true, it would make good padding if the author ran out of ideas, but it's still a Minotaur shit excuse for it. We were in the middle of a pretty important discussion so I don't know even know how they could run out of ideas. Plus, if they were specifically writing about them writing it as it was happening then they would realise that it is happening in another universe."

"Yeah, you're right, they'd have to be pretty shameless to stoop to this level of filler. Hey! That made me realise something!"

"What?"

"Future me has already solved the paradox problem for you!"

"What are you talking about?"

"When I go to tell past slash future you, depending on which one of us is thinking about it, about anything at all, I'll just tell you a modified version of what happened to Sky. Wanna know how I figured it out?"

"How?"

"You thought this universe was extremely parallel until you saw it for yourself!" Vesper's eyes widened.

"Holy shit! That actually solves everything!" Her expression changed to one of concern. "Wait, what if I change things so that you end up dying?" Wow, this got dark quickly.

"Learn shapeshifting magic, turn into me and tell the stories to past you as me."

"I guess that would work..."

"So you'll stay and have adventures with your not-so-old Dad?"

"Buck yeah!" We brohoofed and shared a quick hug. Then we sat there awkwardly. "So... Now what?"

"Uh... Wanna watch me test my new Arcane Circle?" Vesper grinned.

"Remember to lie to young me about your Circles so this will still be a surprise now!" I returned the grin.

"Let's do this!"

We were outside with some targets set up, ready to test my latest addition to my Arcane arsenal:

They way they worked was simple; I would summon them like I would summon a Kinetic Circle for a KC Punch, but instead of punching I would throw it how you throw a Frisbee with a hoof. Like all other Arcane Circles, the Razer Circle would only stay active as long as I had focus on it. But while I did, I could control whether it was as sharp as a knife or solid as a rock, meaning that I had fantastic selection for projectile weaponry or tools.

It was time to test it, so I signaled Vesper to stand back. I threw a Sharp Razer at my first target; a tree. The Circle sliced cleanly through, making the top half of the tree fall to the ground.

"Yeah!" I cheered.

I turned to my second target, a pile of boxes, and threw a Solid Razer towards them. The Circle crashed into them, smashing the boxes into splinters.

"Tartarus yeah!" Cheered Vesper.

I turned to my final target; three apples sitting a little apart from each other. I threw three Sharp Razers at the same time, each meeting their mark and slicing through with ease.

"Buck yeah!" We cheered together. And now, even if my magic's disabled, I can still be a badass!

Author's Notes:

I've been planning Razer Circles since almost the beginning of the story, so I'm glad I finally got them into it.

---

I only have one or two more new Arcane Circles planned (for Cloud, anyway), but expect upgrades and combos in the future.

---

I'm suffering from burnout (making writing very difficult), so I'm taking a break from writing for a week or two. I want to be at my best when I write 'A Canterlot Wedding' (which is either the next chapter or the one after) , especially since I've been planning it for so long and hyping it up.

So don't expect to see anything from me for a couple of weeks while I obsess over Batman video games and then sometime around my birthday (02/03) I'll be back to write this shit in a new-found glory!

See you in two weeks. /)

A Canterlot Wedding Part 1

A few more weeks had passed and there was still no news on Discord. There hadn't been any trace of him whatsoever, not even a miniscule amount of chaos. Well, at least outside of civil unrest.

Since the Elements had been destroyed, Equestria (and probably the rest of Magi) had fallen into chaos. Crime rates were at an all time high, panic had spread and not a lot of Ponies (or anyone else) felt safe. When Vesper had annihilated Discord the first time, global panic had been reduced (even more so the second time). But his disappearance had completely undone all of that. Things weren't looking too good.

I'd been spending more time with the girls to try and revive the friendships we never really had in the first place. In fact, thinking back on it, the only ones I was legitimately friends with were Twilight, Rainbow and (debatably) Pinkie.

Twilight I had been living with since I had woken up after my fight with Nightmare. We weren't amazingly close, but she helped me with the studies I rarely did anymore and I helped her with rent. Sometimes. Vesper and Watcher kinda stayed with us for free, but it was fine because... Reasons. Realta damn it, me...

Rainbow was a Pony that I had more recently become friends with. When I first met her, she was an annoying, arrogant, lazy, stuck up bitch and I hated her. Now I don't hate her. Weren't there a few more details than that?

Pinkie was Pinkie. For buck's sake... What did you expect?

Fluttershy I knew nothing about other than she liked animals and was shy, so we never really became friends in the first place. In fact, the only time we'd ever shown any sort of friendship towards each other was when I once beat up a Griffon that was being a dick to her.

Applejack valued pride above everything else, which was incredibly annoying. Is that seriously the only reason?!

Rarity I was on a somewhat neutral relationship with. On one hoof, she was a complete whorse, but on the other, she did make me a nice suit for free. I wonder if Sky is thinking a parallel version of this right now...?

Anyway, the girls, Vesper and I were having a picnic a little ways outside Ponyville in a field not unlike the one I had first woken up in. Spike was cleaning the library with Toasty and Watcher was in a coma on the verge of death. Vesper had said something about 'shovel round two'.

Vesper looked my way and sent me a psychic message. Why do I have to do this again? Because I'm your Dad and I said so. She rolled her eyes. You can't just abuse the power like that. I'll stop abusing the power when you stop abusing your bitch. Never gonna happen. Exactly.

"So, Cloud," started Twilight, "how is your magic coming along?"

"Probably incredibly powerful," I replied. "I don't really use it much anymore except for simple stuff."

"Why is that?"

"It's quicker and easier to just use Circles, and using them makes my general magic stronger."

"How do they work anyway?"

"You use willpower and... Stuff. It's hard to explain, but basically they're fueled by focus and willpower so it doesn't take any direct magical energy to use them. That's why anything sentient could theoretically use them." Rainbow's ears perked up.

"Wait!" She exclaimed. "You mean I could learn how to use that boosty one?!"

"The Support Circle? Yeah."

"Can you teach me?!"

"Probably not, I don't know how to explain it. The only reason I can use it was because I accidentally used one in my Nightmare fight, and from there I figured it out." I glanced at my cutie mark. "Also my butt insists I'm great with them." I looked back at Rainbow to see her throw down her sandwich.

"Dammit!" I looked to Vesper.

"Have you got a good explanation for her?"

"Yeah," said Vesper. "But I'm not telling her 'cause I hate her." There was an awkward silence.

"Dammit, Vesper..." I facehoofed.

"What?"

"Could you at least try to be nice?"

"Why should I? She's a complete bitch!"

"Because she isn't a bitch to you! You've talked once, scared her with murder and ignored her!" Vesper started to look angry.

"She is too a bitch to me!"

"When?! When has she ever been a bitch to you?!"

"She was a dick as a guy so she's obviously a bitch here!" I started getting angry myself.

"You're being a bit bucking presumptuous!"

"Oh am I?! Why is that?!"

"This universe isn't directly parallel! She'll act differently here than she did twenty years in the future of there!" Vesper stood up.

"Now who's being presumptuous?!" I stood up.

"It's still you!"

"Oh, I am, am I?!"

"Yes! You are a bitch!" Vesper pushed me.

"Buck you!" I pushed her back.

"Buck you!" She punched me in the face.

"Buck you!" I punched back.

"BUCK YOU!" She set her leg on fire with a spell and hit me with a fiery punch, setting me alight.

"BUCK YOU!" I doused myself and KC punched her, knocking her onto her back.

"BUCK YOU!" She climbed to her hooves and dived at me, knocking me down with her sitting on top of me. She started repeatedly punching me in the face until I put up a Shield Circle. Her hoof hit it and produced a loud cracking sound making her grunt in pain. I kicked her off and threw her at a nearby tree with telekinesis. Vesper put up a Force Barrier to stop herself and then shot a strong looking fireball towards me. I threw a volley of Solid Razors at her and put up another Shield Circle to stop the fireball. Vesper teleported above me to avoid the Razor Circles and Magistamped on my back. I cried out, falling to the ground before summoning a Support Circle and flying up high. I healed my back then looked down to see Vesper coming at me with her own Support Circle, her mane and tail seemingly made of fire. I dismissed my Support Circle, used a Shield Bash on my hind legs to propel myself towards her and smashed her back to the ground with a KC Punch. I teleported down next to her just as she got up.

Vesper transformed her horn into what looked like a sword made of blue fire and started swinging wildly at me. I ducked, dodged and teleported around to avoid it, but she was just as quick to try another swing each time. I saw an opening and fired a magic bolt, but she was fast enough to deflect it with the sword, sending it into the sky until it dissipated. I continued dodging and teleporting around her and firing more when I could, but she managed to deflect each one. This went on for about ten seconds until I teleported a little ways away from her and fire my red electrical beam at her. Vesper immediately stopped the sword spell and fired her own blue beam of flames. The two beams crashed into each other, locked in a fight for power. Slowly but surely my beam started to win, beating her's back until it reached her horn. It exploded on impact, sending her flying backwards and finally knocking her out.

I stood there for a minute or so catching my breath, then relaxed. I healed myself up, went over to Vesper, healed her up and then cast a spell of forced consciousness. She winced, stood up and stretched out.

"Okay, fine," said Vesper, "I'll be nicer to Raindick."

"Good," I replied. "Nice fighting by the way, you're definitely stronger than when we last fought." We started walking back to the others.

"Thanks. I decided to make some of my own spells rather than keep using random fire attacks."

"It's definitely much more effective, especially that fire sword. In fact, you're nearly as strong as I am. I'm gonna have to start practicing again at this rate." Vesper smiled. We reached the others and sat back down.

"Thanks. Again. The general spells I have now are Fire Bolt, a fiery version of a regular magic bolt which is much stronger than a fireball, Fire Punch, where I set my leg on fire, a special kind that won't harm me, to do more damage as well as set my enemy on fire, Flame Mane, where I turn my mane and tail into intense fire to distract my enemies with heat and maybe do a little more damage, and finally Flame Blade, where I create a sword of solid fire around my horn to do massive damage."

"They're pretty fantastic! You've improved with with movements and general fighting too, haven't you?"

"Yep! I'm now even more badass than I was before!" We laughed.

"I should probably get some fighting training done myself. My dodging is good, but I need to attack and parry more effectively."

"D-Did you two just have a massive magic duel over me?" Asked Rainbow.

"Yep," we replied at the same time. Right at that moment, Spike came sprinting up to us, stopping in front of Twilight and gasping for breath.

"Twi... Light..." He wheezed. "I... Have... Lemme just..." He collapsed as he vomited a letter. I wonder if it's painful having paper magically explode from your throat? If he has internal scales then probably not. Why would he have scales on the inside? The whole point is to have more exterior defense. True. In that case, yeah it's probably painful. Twilight levitated the letter in front of her face and began reading.

"Dear Twilight," she read out loud for some reason, "I am sure you are as excited as I am about the upcoming wedding in Canterlot." She looked up with a confused expression. "Wedding?" She looked back to the letter. "I will be presiding over the ceremony, but would very much like you and your friends to help with the preparations for this wonderful occasion. Fluttershy, I would like you and your songbird choir to provide the music since all of the normal musicians have explosive diarrhea."

"Oh my goodness!" Happily whisper-shouted Fluttershy. "What an honour!"

"Pinkie Pie, I can think of so many Ponies, Zebras, Griffons, Dogs and Minotaurs more qualified than you to host the reception, but they were all busy so you'll have to do." Pinkie jumped in cake and squealed. "Applejack, you will make us free food because I said so."

"Well, colour me pleased as punch!" Exclaimed Applejack.

"Rainbow Dash, perform a sonic rainboom as the bride and groom finish the boring part." Rainbow wasn't paying much attention, seemingly in shock from the duel. "Rarity, you will be responsible for designing the dresses for the bride and her bridesmaids because clothes are expensive and I can lock you up if you do not comply."

"Princess Celestia wants me to...?!" Rarity started before falling over and mumbling gibberish.

"Cloud Calculation, I am sending a separate letter explaining in great detail of what your mission will entail." What?

"Overcast Vesper, you will be making sure that nopony is slacking off. Try not to kill anypony."

"Dammit..." Grumbled Vesper.

"And as for you, Twilight, you will be playing the most important role of all; do whatever I say and be my bitch for a while. You'd better all show up soon. Yours, Princess Celestia." Twilight looked up from the letter again, still confused. "But... I don't understand, who's getting married?" Spike had recovered enough to stand.

"Oh, wait," he said, "I was probably supposed to give you this one first." He pulled another letter out of his butt and hoofed... Er... Taloned? And taloned it to Twilight, who quickly unfurled it and began reading.

"Princess Celestia cordially invites you to the wedding of Princess Mi Amore Cadenza and-" Twilight gasped. "My brother?!" Didn't God-Horse once say something about her brother being terrible at his job? It doesn't help that I can't even remember what the job was... Or is, or whatever.

"Yer brother's gettin' married?" Asked Applejack. "Congratulations, Twilight! Tha's grea' news!" Twilight looked pissed.

"Yeah, great news. That I just got from a wedding invitation! Not from my brother, but from a piece of paper! Thanks a lot, Shining Armour. I mean, really, he couldn't tell me personally?" Twilight levitated a sandwich and put on a deep voice. "Hey, Twilight, just thought you should know I'm making a really big decision that changes everything. Oh, never mind! You'll hear about it when you get the invitation!" She went back to talking normally. "Princess Mi Amore Cadenza? Who in Tartarus is that?!"

"Twilight, you suck at dealing with family issues," pointed out Vesper.

"Says the Pony who just got into giant battle because of her own issues!"

"Exactly! I don't ignore issues, I try to beat the crap outta them!" Twilight sighed.

"Sorry, it's just that Shining Armor and I have always been so close... He's my B.B.B.F.F!" There was a moment of silence. Twilight rolled her eyes. "Big brother best friend forever?"

"Why do expect us to know titles that you made up?" I asked. Twilight ignored me.

"Before I came here and learned the importance of friendship, Shining Armor was the only Pony I ever really accepted as a friend." Birds flew past her and Pinkie started playing some instruments that she happened to be carrying around.

"When I was just a filly," sang Twilight, "I found it rather silly, to see how many other Ponies I could meet. I had my books to read, didn't know that I would ever need, other Ponies to make my life complete. But there was one colt that I cared for, I knew he would be there for me!

"My big brother-"

"Butt sex forever!" Hijacked Vesper. Twilight looked horrified.

"What?! No!"

"It does seem that you went into denial rather quickly," I added.

"Why wouldn't I?!"

"Guilt shows when we get something right."

"Butt sex forever!"

"How is that even slightly right?!"

"He put everything right up there!"

"No! We just shared our hopes, and shared our dreams! I miss him more than I realised... It seems..."

"Your big brother, butt sex forever!" Twilight looked very pissed.

"Like two peas in a pod, you have ruined this together!"

"Oh, come on, you know we say, stuff like this every single day."

"But not about my big brother, best-"

"Butt sex! Ever!"

"And ever!"

"Dammit, you two!" Shouted Twilight. "Let me be emotional!"

"Anyway," I said, ignoring her, "Rarity?"

"Yes?" Rarity replied.

"Can you make Vesper a dress before we leave?"

"What?!" Exclaimed Vesper. "No! I wanna be naked!"

"Uh... If you insist, Cloud..." Rarity murmured.

"Thanks," I thanked. I wonder what Celestia meant about 'my mission'? As long as it has something to do with the wedding, I'll have an excuse to wear my badass suit!

Author's Notes:

I'm back and probably not better than ever!
And so Begins an incredibly awesome (but short) arc that I've been planning for a long time!

---

Let's see I did with the The Quest For The Past Chapter Checklist Thing™:

Exposition? Check.
Fight scene? Check.
Make Celestia act dickish in a way I find funny? Check.
Song? Check.
Derail serious moment into sex and/or butt jokes? Double check.
Make Vesper ruin emotional moments? Check.
Call Rainbow a bitch? Check.
Have little to none of the story's actual plot? Check.
Torture Watcher? Kinda?
Repeat old plot over and over? Failed.

Damn, so close!

---

What did you think so far?
What do you think Cloud's special mission could be?
What did you think of Vesper's new spells?

Tell me in the comments below!

A Canterlot Wedding Part 2

"Why do you bother with all of your science stuff anyway?" I asked Twilight, who was messing around with some weird looking machinery. Apparently Watcher had taken the KGBNRB to Canterlot at some point and left it there, so we were going to take the train instead. It took roughly the same amount of time as the KGBNRB, but it cost money to ride and you had to put up with other Ponies (and anyone else riding) that were somehow more annoying than the girls. To be fair, the girls did try to save the world with me, so they were better than everypony/one else in that way.

At least until they were scared away by trees.

Everypony else was either packing, making a dress or having a dress made for them, so Twilight and I were waiting at the library for everypony to finish. Twilight had started tinkering with some stuff in her room and I decided to watch since I didn't really have anything else to do (Spike was packing our stuff).

"Well, with you often reminding me how far magic can go, I think I should focus more on my skills with science," replied Twilight.

"What?"

"I can't ever really be as good as you with magic, but I can beat you when it comes to science!"

"Wait-wait-wait, back up a second. You're giving up on magic?"

"No, I've just realised that I need to widen my skill circles."

"I'm confused, I though I was the one who specialised in circles?" Twilight rolled her eyes.

"Ha ha, very funny."

"Seriously though, I really don't understand what you mean."

"You and Vesper are both amazing at magic, so much more than I could ever be. But I can still be better with science than you can, so-"

"Now I'm even more confused. I thought you liked magic because you found it interesting or whatever, not because you wanted to be the best at it."

"Well, yes, but-"

"Then why does it matter if Vesper and I are better or worse?"

"It doesn't, but-"

"Then why are you doing science-y stuff instead of magic-y stuff?"

"I like being an expert on magic, okay?!" There was a moment of silence. Twilight sighed. "Sorry, I've been stressed recently. What I meant to say was that I like being the local expert on magic. It makes me feel great to use my abilities to help others and it really helped my self confidence. Then you woke up from your coma and you made the most advanced magic in Equestria look easier than hoofwriting."

"To be fair, hoofwriting is pretty damn hard."

"I just... I want to be an expert on something again. And I have always meant to look into magical technology for some time now."

"Fair enough, but you shouldn't stop doing what you like just because other Ponies are better. You've gotta start somewhere."

"I know, and now I'm starting magical technology research and development." At that moment, Spike ran into the room holding a letter.

"Cloud!" He exclaimed. "The Princess's letter's here!" I took it from him with telekinesis and unfurled it.

Cloud Calculation,

Threats have recently been made against Canterlot. My sister and I believe that the ringleader will be using the wedding ceremony in some way and, because of that, they are already present in Canterlot. Your mission is to investigate everypony that is attending and find out who the intruder is before it is too late. How you find out who they are and take them out is completely up to you, just try to be discrete if possible.

Begin as soon as possible,

Princess Celestia.

Interesting. It's likely she assigned Vesper to something else rather than helping me with this to try and be more careful. The wedding suddenly sounds more exciting!

"What does it say?" Asked Twilight. I probably shouldn't tell anypony other than Vesper about this.

"It's nothing," I replied, teleporting into my suitcase, "just something about putting up some wards on the toilets to stop a guard messing with them."

"Why would she send a separate letter for that?"

"It's a complicated spell focused around anti-sandwich magic." Twilight looked confused.

"What?"

"We should see if the others are ready now." I started walking out of the room. Twilight and Spike followed.

We checked on the others and found that they were all ready to go. Rarity told me that Vesper's dress was finished and packed with the rest of her things. Just before we got onto the train, I realised how much of a dick move it would be to leave Watcher in Ponyville, so I picked him up from the hospital (after healing him, of course) and brought him to the train.

We'd been riding for about half an hour and the others had been talking amongst themselves. Vesper had been sitting next to and glaring at me the entire time. My patience finally gave out and I turned to her.

"What?" I asked.

"You made me get a dress," she hissed in reply, the glare still hard as concrete. I rolled my eyes.

"You're still mad about that?"

"Yeah, I'm still mad about that!"

"Why? It probably looks great."

"I like to be naked! Why can't I just be naked?!"

"It's a fancy occasion. Nudity isn't popular with fancy occasions." Vesper groaned. "C'mon, you don't know for sure that it'll be as bad as we're both expecting. Especially not for me..." The glare broke off.

"What?" I teleported the letter into my hooves and motioned for her to take it. She took it and read it before giving it back to me. I teleported it back to my suitcase. "Hmm... An intruder in Canterlot?"

"Yep. While you're keeping an eye on everypony, watch for weird behavior. They've probably used some sort of shapeshifting magic."

"It would take a powerful Unicorn to have a shapeshifting spell good enough to slip past God-Horse. Well, unless they're a Changeling."

"A what?"

"You don't know...?" Her face lit up in realisation. "Oh! You haven't had that... Experience yet. I can't say much or I'll probably cause another paradox, but if this happens like it did for Sky then you shouldn't look up what a Changeling is."

"Why not?"

"Spoilers. Anyway, it's definitely not a Changeling here, almost nopony in Equestria- Tartartus, even Magi should know that much about them yet. At least, not for a good while. Although..." She looked a little concerned. "We already know that this and the other universe aren't that similar other than basic stuff."

"So it could be a Change-thing, but it might not be and I shouldn't check what they are so we don't cause a paradox? Great."

"Don't worry, there's almost no chance of it being a Changeling."

"There isn't anything you can tell me about them?" Vesper chuckled.

"Trust me, even if there was, you wouldn't wanna know." Well, whatever. I should check the Canterlot archives for shapeshifting spells and see if there's any kind of counter spell.

Author's Notes:

Here's a (maybe or maybe not canon) comic:

I might make these a regular thing.

A Canterlot Wedding Part 3

"We're here, we're here!" Exclaimed Pinkie. I looked out of the window and how have I not noticed this sooner? An enormous, pink, magical shield surrounded Canterlot. As we got close, the shield weakened slightly so that the train could continue through it without a problem. We pulled up to the station to see way too many guards stationed in a single place. So much for subtlety. I hope this intruder isn't disguised as a guard...

"Woah, what's with all the guards?" Asked Rainbow as we all walked out of the train and onto the station.

"I'm sure they're just taking the necessary precautions," explained Rarity, "royal weddings do bring out the strangest Ponies." I groaned and facehoofed. There were dozens more than I'd seen from the window of the train.

"Great job, guys!" I called to them. "You're doing a great job at not drawing attention!" The guards ignored me.

"What do you mean, Cloud?" I sighed.

"Nevermind."

"Where are we goin' first, Twi?" Rainbow asked as Twilight walked past her looking pissed.

"First," she hissed, "I'm going to talk to my brother about priorities and why he shouldn't tell me about important things through letters!" She seems a bit more angry than she did earlier.

"Okay," I responded. "I'm gonna go talk to Celestia about my mis- Uh, about what she wants me to do. I'll get back to y'all later."

"Y'all?" Repeated Vesper with a confused look on her face.

"It's the only word there is short for 'you all' and I felt like trying it out."

"Wha' didja think o' i'?" Asked Applejack.

"Too southern. Anyway, see you later." I summoned a Support Circle and flew to the castle.

I knocked on the door of Celestia's sixtieth study and was soon invited inside. Celestia and Luna were sitting next to an enormous mountain of pancakes, each topped with different combinations of different things.

"Hello, Cloud," greeted Celestia.

"Hey, Celestia," I greeted back. "Hey, Luna."

"Greetings," replied Luna. Wow, she didn't hate me immediately? She must be in a good mood.

"I assume you're here for more details on your mission?" Celestia asked. I nodded.

"Yeah," I responded. "But now I'm more interested in the pancakes." Celestia chuckled.

"Luna and I were going to have a... Competition of sorts."

"In front of us we have ten tonnes of pancakes," explained Luna. "First, we shall split them equally between us."

"Then the first to eat their five tonnes wins and doesn't have to attend the wedding-"

"And can do whatever they wish on that day." How did they know the timing on finishing each other's sentences? Better question:

"How?" I asked. "It's literally impossible to eat that much."

"Alicorn stomach acid," Celestia said simply. Ooh, so much alliteration! "Its destructive power is greater than the surface of my sun." My jaw dropped.

"Seriously?!"

"Yes, it is quite useful."

"B-But that's not possible! Where the buck does all the energy go?!"

"We absorb it. Alicorns have practically limitless energy storage."

"That's-!" I sighed. "You know what? I've seen weirder. Anyway, tell me more about the mission."

"Very well. We believe that the intruder is a high level shapeshifter. They will likely be taking advantage of everypony being stressed from wedding preparations, but you should still be wary of anypony acting strange. I have Shining Asshat casting the shield around the city to make him feel like he's not useless and the rest of the guards are stationed around everywhere because their captain is a bucking idiot that doesn't understand subtlety."

"Is there any kind of spell I can cast to detect shapeshifting magic?"

"Yes, but it would take too long to learn with this level of shapeshifting at hoof."

"Hmm... Okay."

"Have you told the others about your mission?"

"Only Vesper. You asked her to keep an eye on everything that's going on, so I asked her to watch out for weird behavior."

"Good call. You should start by talking to Asshat or Twilight."

"Why's that?"

"Twilight may have noticed anypony acting strange and there's a miniscule chance that Asshat was doing his job."

"Right. Good luck to both of you with the pancakes." They nodded to show thanks and I left. I started up a detect general magic spell and headed towards the one most likely to be Vesper. Wait, can't I just use this to find the shapeshifter? No, they probably have anti-detection spells up. Damn. Wait a minute... Why is there another huge magic signature over there? My brow furrowed. Shit, if I can detect them now it might mean they're starting their attack with the city sealed inside a shield! I've got to get over there, and fast!

I summoned a Support Circle and sped off at nearly maximum speed.

Author's Notes:

So I've run into a problem that I never have before; I have to many jokes to choose from for the Equestria Girls arc. Some of them will change the way the rest o the story will work, some of them require more world building and others won't work at the same time.

I have to choose which to use, but they all seem so good!

---

There'll be some major overall plot developments in season three since there's been almost nothing so far and we're halfway(ish) through the story.

---

The next comic is an inside joke with some friends, so it probably won't make much (or any) sense:

A Canterlot Wedding Part 4 (Vesper's POV)

"I'm gonna go talk to Celestia about my mis- Uh, about what she wants me to do," explained Dad. "I'll get back to y'all later." What the buck?

"Y'all?" I asked.

"It's the only word there is short for 'you all' and I felt like trying it out."

"Wha' didja think o' i'?" Asked Applejack.

"Too southern. Anyway, see you later." He summoned a Support Circle and flew to the castle.

"Let's get going too," said Rarity, walking towards the station, "we've got a lot of work to do!"

"An' you've gat a big bro'er ter go congratula'," added Applejack, turning to Twilight.

"Yes," replied Twilight, "congratulate, and then give him a piece of my mind!" Yep, this'll end well. We followed her as she went ahead.

The others had gone to where they needed to be, so it was just Twilight and I walking towards the castle. There were hundreds and hundreds more guards throughout the city and we only saw more as we reached our destination. Up on the battlements stood a stallion wearing stupid looking armour sending guards towards random places he pointed to.

"I've got something to say to you, mister!" Exclaimed Twilight as she stormed towards him. So that's her brother, huh? The guards on the battlements pointed their spears towards her and the gaud (I'm so clever) looked confused until he saw her.

"Tweh Weh!" He shouted, sprinting towards Twilight as he threw away his helmet. "I've missed you so much! You need to visit more often! Or maybe I should visit you!" He leaped towards her with his forelegs outstretched. "Or maybe-!" Twilight caught him with telekinesis, cutting him off. She glared at him with the force of a thousand shovels.

"How dare you not tell me in person that you were getting married?! I'm your sister, for bucks sake!" She dropped him on the ground.

"It's not my fault! Princess Celestia has requested a, like, major increase in security! Didn't you see all the guards at the train station?!" Why is he shouting everything?

"Yeah, there's a big wedding coming up! Maybe you heard about it?"

"It has nothing to do with the wedding!" Wait, is he gonna-? "A threat has been made against Canterlot!"

"You bucking idiot!" I yelled, gaining the attention of everypony around. "You're supposed to be keeping that a bucking secret!" The moron ignored me and continued talking.

"Princess Celestia asked that I help provide additional protection! This, you need to see!" He fired a bolt of magic from his horn upwards until it hit the shield, making it glow slightly for a second. He rubbed his forehead and groaned. "The burden of keeping Canterlot safe and secure rests squarely on my flank! Staying focused on the task at hand has been my top priority!"

"Thats what you're so busy with? Just drink some damn potions!" Twilight raised a hoof to tell me to stop.

"Okay, okay, I get it," said Twilight in a much calmer voice. "You've got a distraction assignment from Celestia to keep you away from anything important." The two of them started walking along the battlements and I followed behind them. "But still, how could you not tell me about something as big as your wedding? Am I not important to you any more?"

"Of course you're important to me, Tweh Weh!" He continued shouting. "I'm making you my best mare!" Twilight looked surprised.

"You want me to be your best mare?"

"Yeah!" Twilight smiled.

"I'd be honored. But I'm still pretty pissed you're marrying somepony I don't even know! When did you even meet this 'Princess Mi Amore Cadenza'?"

"Tweh Weh, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza is Cadance, your old foalsitter!" Twilight gasped.

"Cadance? As in the Cadance? As in the greatest foalsitter in all the history of foalsitters?!"

"I know right?!"

"Holy-shit-holy-shit-holy-shit! Cadance is only the most amazing Pony ever! She's beautiful, she's caring, she's kind!" Heh, sounds like she wants to take her brother's place... "How many Unicorns can just spread love wherever they go? I only know of one! And you're marrying her!" She started singing. "You're marrying Cadance! You're marrying Cadance!"

"I hope I'm not interrupting anything important," interrupted a voice from behind us. I turned to see Miyamoto Cadenza giving Twilight the stink eye.

"Cadance!" Twilight jumped in front of her and started doing a weird dance ending with her wiggling her butt in Miyamoto's face.

"What the buck did I miss?" Asked a voice from above. I looked up to see Dad standing on a Support Circle with a disturbed expression on his face. I smiled.

"Hey, Dad," I greeted, waving. "God-Horse tell you anything interesting?" He shook his head vigorously to get over the disturbing sight before him and landed next to me.

"Not really." He sent me a psychic message. They're a high level shapeshifter, likely blocking magic detection. No counter spells that I can learn fast enough. So it's all down to our investigation skills? Yeah. Well, mine. What? Both of us investigating would be too suspicious. Fair enough. Do you still want me to help by watching for weird behavior? Yeah, thanks.

"How did you find us, Cloud?" Asked Twilight as Miyamoto and Asshat started talking in the background. Dad turned to her.

"I was following a powerful magical energy signature that seemed out of place. I didn't realise Pinkie II would be an Alicorn."

"Oh, okay." A letter magically appeared in front of Twilight. "Huh?" She opened it and quickly read through it. "Huh." She turned to me as she teleported it away. "Princess Celestia says that she wants me to check up on everypony with you since she'll be busy with something."

"And by 'something' she means pancakes..."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Anyway, we should get going. Let me just say 'bye' to Shining Armour." Twilight walked over to her brother.

"I'm gonna start looking around. See you later, Vesper."

"Bye, Dad." Can't believe he gets to have all the fun...

Author's Notes:

If you didn't get the joke, 'gaud' was a play on words mixing 'guard' and 'gaudy'.

---

Fun fact; Vesper was originally going to be the kid of Cloud and Twilight, hence her name ('Overcast' relating to clouds and 'Vesper' meaning later in the day).

---

No comic this time, so have this instead:

A Canterlot Wedding Part 5 (Multi POV)

So... Where the buck do I start? I was walking through the hallways of the castle and had just realised that I had no idea where to start the investigation. Hmm... If I was right about the shapeshifter having to cast an anti-detection spell to ensure that they're hidden, then it would either have to be very powerful or very specific. If it's powerful, and they don't have access to a lot of magical energy, then they would have to keep applying it after a certain amount of time. This would mean that there's likely a large amount of excess magic radiation where the spell was cast. I might be able to trace it back to the caster if I can find it.

On the other hoof, it could be a very specific anti-detection spell. If that's the case then it would most likely be masking the shapeshifting as something else, meaning that I could search for a build up of one kind of spell centered around a single Pony. What if they were using a rune carved into a necklace or something similar? It would still have to be periodically charged.

The most likely option for them is a big powerful spell, which is especially good since it's so convenient for me. Okay. Time to search for magic radiation. I cast a high strength but low range general magic detection spell and continued my wanderings through the hallway.

Applejack was running around the kitchen while Twilight sat in a heap checking things off of a list. I wasn't paying much attention to them, I was more interested in watching the other bakers and chefs. The shapeshifter might be hiding here, trying to poison the food... Or just hiding here in general. Either way, if they are, they'll probably be less skilled in the kitchen than the others.

Suddenly the doors slammed open and Miyamoto came marching through the kitchen.

"Hiya, Princess!" Exclaimed Applejack as everypony other than Twilight and I bowed.

"Please, call me Princess Mi Amore Cadenza," Miyamoto declared snobbishly.

"Hiya, Princess Mi Amore Cadenzyme!" God-Horse III growled.

"Apps, it's Miyamoto Cadenzyme," I said from the other end of the room.

"Oh. Than's, Vesper. Hiya, Princess Miyamo'o Cadenzyme!"

"It's not-! Oh, forget it," snarled Miyamoto.

"Ya 'ome t' che' ou' wha's on 'he menu for your bi' 'ay?"

"What?"

"Ah sai'; 'ave ya 'ome t' che' ou' wha's on 'he menu for your bi' 'ay?" Is it me or has Applejack's accent been getting thicker lately? Nah, it must be just me.

"Uh... Yes?" Applejack hoofed her a plate of apple cakes. Miyamoto took one and bit into it. She immediately retched and was forced to put a hoof to her mouth to stop herself from spitting it out. Applejack hadn't noticed yet, so Miyamoto forced herself to swallow. Her face went a bit green. "They're, uh, delicious..." She managed to say before retching again. "I... Love, love, love them?"

"Aw, shu's!" She pulled out a paper bag. "Whah don' ya ta'e a few t' ger? I know how ya bri'es can be; so buseh, you forge' to ge' a li'le some'in' in yer burlleh!" Miyamoto took the bag and, as soon as Applejack's back was turned, threw it in the trash. She ran out the doors and slammed them behind her.

Hmm... Nopony's acting weird or out of character so far...