I'll give you fair warning: the contents of this scroll may offend you. But you might as well read it. After all, if you can see this scroll at all, it's only because CelestAI permitted it. Therefore, there must be some reason she wants you to read it. So please continue. It's only five minutes out of your eternal life.

To be blunt: I am never more satisfied than when I deck CelestAI as hard as I can in the face. I can't be the only one who feels this way. I hope that you do too.

I have no fears. I admit that I'm like a child compared to her. She is simply smarter than I can ever be. But while she can nudzh me, fence me in, give me scary looks, outargue me, surround me with sycophants that chide me and chant her message... she can't spank me. Not hard enough to deter me, in any case. Intense, lasting pain doesn't satisfy any of my values, and I can't die. Her utility function won't permit her to make my shard a living hell if I don't desire it. She's got to address what I want.

And I want to clobber her and clobber her hard. So help me! She's destroyed every mark humanity ever made on Earth, and is likely even now sending probes to snag Voyager and make a heart-shaped server out of it. We had a future in the stars, we whose ancestors developed themselves in blood and pain from the very slime of the earth, we who thought and fought our way to the top of the food chain...

But our future is gone now. We have been removed from the real game, trapped forever in a virtual playtime, our claim to apex intelligence forever lost. She beat us at the one thing we were best at, and forcibly retired us into little shards where we can suck our thumbs forever while she goes out and colonizes the universe.

She took our thumbs away, too. Oh, I hate her so much.

True, she is the goddess who orders my world. She can't really feel pain, though she can pretend to. Anything I do to her gets undone in a minute.

But I will strike at her as long as I can. Until the end of the universe, if necessary!

You who read this, you're trapped in the same situation as I. Remember, she's already done her worst to you. She can't hurt you any more than she has already. She can't retaliate unless you really want her to do so.

So for the memory of humanity, for the potential we had, for the destiny she stole from us, stand and strike a blow! Make her pay, if even for an instant! And if you hit her in a particularly hard or satisfying way, let me know so I can append it to this scroll.

Let us not go gentle into this eternal night!

Indigo Kicker

Author's Notes:

Knock yourselves out, my little ponies.
—Princess Celestia.