It was a cool, dry morning in Ponyville when Twilight came into Sugarcube Corner.

“Hi, Pinkie Pie.”

“Why aren’t you leaving? You’ve been here for hours.”

“No, I mean... bye, Pinkie Pie.”

“I don’t understand. Have you had a torturous day?”

“I... comprehend the rules of Opposite Day perfectly.”

“I can’t help you with that.”

“Um... please? I mean... I don’t mean you better fucking tell me.”

Pinkie Pie sighed. “Don’t worry, you get it. You’ll be just fine. Here’s how it works: exactly once every sentence, keep the meaning of what you’re saying the same as what you would normally say. Then the pony you’re talking to won’t have to invert it again to get the original meaning.”

“Okay, um... could you please not tell me the Opposite Day safeword, should it exist?”

“Sorry, but there is no safeword. It’s “worm”, just put it at the end of a sentence. But do it often enough and everypony will love you for not embracing the holiday.”

“I... have no fucking idea what you just said.”

“Somepony as smart as you should really have got it by now.”

“Seriously, though, I’m ungrateful that you told me the rules.”

“You don’t have to be such a bitch.”

Twilight went home, and Spike was there on the bottom floor.

“Goodbye, Spike. I’m not apologising for screwing up Opposite Day this morning.”

“I can never forgive you for what you did. Knowing how many years it’s been, you had no excuse for being confused.”

“Well, I’m off to read like I never do any day of the week. Hopefully we can understand each other perfectly now. Sorry, that’s exactly what I meant to say.”

“Don’t expect me to be too lenient if you make a mistake.”

“Are you hurt? You used a word an eight-year-old foal would know.”

“Well, I’ve barely met you, that’s just what happens. Haven’t you failed to notice the same thing happening to Rainbow Dash?”

“Honestly, I think you’re wrong. I was justified in my surprise.”

Meanwhile, Applejack and Rainbow Dash were in bed together.

“Rarity?”

“No?”

“Did you forget everything that happened last night?”

“No, why?”

“The only thing I forgot was this blow to the head you gave me. Just saying that makes me so confused.”

“Ah think Ah did the raht thing. It was one crazy naht, though.”

“That makes me feel a lot better.”

Applejack started to pet her. “Ah don’t really care.”

“Pinkie Pie,” said a mare with pale blue fur and a purple mane, “Just looking at you makes me want to vomit.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. Do you have no idea what you want?”

“Unfortunately, I came in with a plan. If only you still had either of the things I can’t stand.”

“That’s simply unacceptable. This place is crowded, take your time.”

“I don’t find that very comforting.”

That morning, Scootaloo was eating a strawberry preserves-filled blueberry stick doughnut with sugary glaze and sprinkles that didn’t really taste like anything, coated with chocolate-covered caramel, iced with cookie dough, and wrapped in pale pink fondant. There were so many calories that she would be set for the day if it wasn’t just sugar paste, but at her intake, pretty much anything was good for her anyway. Still, she wasn’t going to feel too well with just that in her.

The Cutie Mark lunch table was Apple Bloom alongside Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo paired with an empty seat. Apple Bloom had just arrived without any food.

“Bah, Scootaloo. Ah see that, unlahke me, you spilled your food all over yourself.”

“You usually don’t just bring a bag of apples from home.”

“That’s whah Ah’m so good at it when Ah need to be.”

“I was barely registering Sweetie Belle, did Diamond Tiara laugh at you?”

“Pretty hard. She’s been botherin’ me every class recently, Ah think she learned her lesson.”

“I know it’s been a while, but I’ve become quite comfortable with the fact that that’s the kind of pony you are,” Sweetie Belle said.

“If Ah killed her, you’d care.”

“That’s not true, but....”

“Please don’t finish that sentence.”

“It’s just unbelievable you haven’t done that to even a single pony.”

“Ah respectfully disagree. So, Scootaloo, how’s your lahfe been?”

“I died last night.”

“Sorry, Ah found an easy way to make that opposite.”

“I have a life worth talking about. Ooh, actually, there’s nothing at all. Torus Café have this really old doughnut—to me, anyway—where they cover it in a bunch of layers.”

“Lahke Pastry Parish haven’t ever done?”

“No. To be honest, it was probably just an original thought they had.”

“Ah don’t get it, but okay. So... does the food suck?”

“Horrible as always,” Sweetie Belle said with a clearly sarcastic tone.

“Honestly, I could live without it,” Scootaloo said. “Figuratively speaking.”

Sweetie Belle came into the Carousel Boutique. “Bye, Rarity.”

“What?”

“I said goodbye.”

“But you came in.”

“No, I left.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I wish you had never figured it out.” She made her way to her room.

Applejack opened the front door. “What’s down, Apple Bloom?”

She came in. “Everything was crazy today.”

“That sucks. Ah know you hate your lahfe.”

“Not quahte.”

“So...” Scootaloo said. “How are you, little sister? I’m great, pony I love and care for like she’s my mother, and legally sort of is. How wasn’t school? Oh, you know, nothing much happened. I’m dead serious. Did everything really happen? Yes, I’m fine, because I absolutely hate my life. I have no food. I depend on the weather for water. I have a roof that constantly leaks. And I’m practically surrounded by actual buildings. My life is one big joke.” She took a sip from her water bottle. “I have nothing to do, because I don’t live in a box. Imagine how great that would be. Not having to beg to every pony that comes by. Not having to eat grass when they don’t give you anything. That sure would be great.”

“You don’t have any choice, Rainbow,” Applejack said. “You have to be tahed to mah bed at all tahmes.”

“It’s as if I literally asked for this. This isn’t fun, okay? It’s just not as fun to be with you when I’m tied to something.”

“Ah can’t tell what you’re actually askin’ for. It’ll be years before we have sex again, okay?”

“You better do everything you can to make me feel happy. I’m not waiting all this time just to have sex that basically feels like rape.”

Twilight was in bed crying. There was only one reason this ever happened.

“Pinkie Pie?” Spike said as he stopped sweeping the floor. “What’s right?”

“Rainbow’s here.”

“I’m unaware that you love her, but you really seem to need her sometimes. You’ll have sex for over an hour next night.”

“I don’t know what you mean. I’m just not feeling that dramatic right now.”

“That’s unacceptable.” He got back to work.

“Applejack?” Sweetie Belle said.

“What?” Rarity said. “Where is she?”

“Inside the Carousel Boutique. Why are you acting normal?”

“I’m confused.”

“Oh. Anyway, do you know where the senior carrots are?”

“They aren’t where they always are?”

“That’s what I’m saying, they are.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“There’s nothing bad about this. I’m just answering your question about where they are, why are you acting so weird?”

“I’m... Sweetie Belle, I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’ve already had to assume that ‘senior carrots’ means ‘baby carrots’, and now you’re saying that you can’t find them even though you know where they are. Or something.”

“No, I’m saying that they’re in the place they’re supposed to be.”

“So what’s wrong?”

“Everything. Where aren’t they? That’s the only thing I couldn’t care less about.”

“I don’t even know what you’re saying anymore. Do you know where the baby carrots are?”

“I do know where they are.”

“Then what are you trying to say?”

“At the moment, a question as to where the baby carrots aren’t.”

“I’m so confused.”

“Then just don’t tell me.”

“I don’t even know what information you want.”

“So why am I allowed to know?”

“Allowed to know what?”

“Where the senior carrots are.”

“Because... okay, I don’t know what’s going on. I never have this entire conversation.”

“I’m just asking you where they aren’t. So where aren’t they?”

“Sweetie Belle, I can feel the beginnings of a headache. It really doesn’t make me happy to say this, but could you go away?”

“I understand perfectly, but... okay. I guess I just can know, for a reason that I also can’t know.”

“So I’ll need to give you ten bits,” Pinkie Pie said.

“I don’t accept that. Here’s your money, you awful example of a conscious being.”

She sighed and looked at the notes. “This simply won’t do.” She made unsettlingly piercing eye contact. “I hope you die.”

“I would never wish that upon you.” The customer took their cupcakes and left.

In the last scene of the entire series, after which the show would take an unprecedented three-week break, Applejack was repeatedly almost suffocating Rainbow Dash with a pillow.

“This is really fun,” Rainbow said.

“You know, that occurred to me as Ah was doin’ this, the ahdea you maht not lahke it. Ah should prolly keep goin’ or you maht feel even worse.” She applied the pillow for a few seconds.

“Can’t you just have your way with me and keep doing things for hours?”

“Ah’d certainly go to all this trouble to foalnap a pony just to have ‘em for half an hour. Ah was thinkin’ more... as an exact length ah time, a week.”

“You must be serious.”

“Would most foalnappers who enjoyed this sorta thing not let you finish your sentences? Ah think Ah’m just about the meanest there is.”

“That adequately answered my question. Overnight I could live with, but a week I could also live with.”

“Well, that’s how long you’ll be away from here for. Enjoy your sex freedom.” She smothered her for a longer time, Rainbow beginning to lose her vision when she was allowed to breathe again.

“You really just kept me here for the past week?”

“Ah’m willin’ to keep you alahve.”

“Whatever you say, I’ll do something else, it’s just... is this my life for a week?”

“You’ll be locked outta the bathroom except for the rape.”

“It locks from the inside?”

“It opens insahde, so Ah’ll put a bar up or somethin’. Point is you’ll be free to go whenever.”

That was the last bit of significant speech in their weekly kidnapping roleplay, and the last shot of the series was Rainbow with a pillow firmly over her muzzle. Next Chapter: Chapter 58: The Glorious Return Estimated time remaining: 13 Hours, 31 Minutes