Spike was on a ladder rearranging some books in the den. This was where Twilight kept all of her “embarrassing guilty pleasures”, which meant anything that was fewer than one hundred pages or funny. He wasn’t sure how to alphabetise “Ægir Jacobsen’s Simplicity by Ægir Jacobsen”, one of those books where the author’s name on the front was bigger than the title’s, and he was sure Twilight had told him and she’d get mad if he had to ask again.

But first, Twilight had a different thing to get mad at. With Spike having left his computer completely accessible, she couldn’t help but notice the folder right on the desktop named “Porn of Rarity”. That alone wasn’t the problem, but when she opened it, she found porn of Rarity. There was only one reaction.

“Fuck it, it’s one in the morning. I’ll confront him about it tomorrow.”

Despite Twilight’s best attempts to stiffen up her muscles and roll around, the sheer comfort of her mattress beat her into a state of pure relaxation. The next morning, she had a dream about being the pilot of an aeroplane, except as in real life she didn’t know how to fly one, and just as the literal downward spiral was about to end in the death of her and the other 191 on board, she woke up. She was eating lunch when she first saw Spike that day.

“Hi, Spike.”

“Hey.”

“I know about your porn of Rarity.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You have a folder on your desktop called ‘Porn of Rarity’.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“The file names are all one to three-digit numbers or really long hexes.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Admit it or I’ll tell everypony about the one where Rarity says ‘get off the’—”

“Okay, I admit it. Hypocrite.”

“You’re the hypocrite.”

“Maybe we should just accept our similarities.”

“I still love you.”

“I still love you too.”

Spike went into the kitchen to nuke a burrito, killing forty-eight thousand ponies.

A few minutes later, they were together in the bedroom, Spike on his computer and Twilight reading a book, their respective default activities.

“Spike?”

He finished a bite of his somewhat overcooked burrito. “Yeah?”

“Why don’t you want anything for your birthday?”

“I wouldn’t use it. My life is already optimised.”

“But there must be something new....”

“Nope. I already said.”

“You don’t want a sex slave?”

“I’m Raritysexual.”

“No entertainment that looks exciting?”

“I’m good.”

“Something you don’t dare ask for because it’s so expensive?”

“How would you know?”

“You’re two degrees away from Celestia, you can have anything you can dream of.”

“If you saw my dream last night, you’d know that’s not true.”

“But seriously, is there anything really expensive you want?”

“No.”

“We’ll see about that when the time comes.”

On a cold night for the time of year, about ten degrees including windchill, Twilight had been in the den for three minutes and couldn’t find the book she was looking for.

“Spiiiiike!”

Spike came down. “Yeah?”

“Where’s Ægir Jacobsen’s Simplicity?”

“Er....” He scanned the bookshelf, which took up three sides of the room. “Yeah, there.” He pointed to it.

“You put it under AE.”

“Yeah.”

“Not after Z like I asked. Or even with J.”

“I didn’t—”

“Dammit, Spike, there was only one thing you had to remember. It’s been, like, a month since you had to learn a new letter.”

“Sorry....”

“Come with me.”

She led him to the front door and opened it.

“Out.”

“But I—”

“The cold air’s getting in.”

“Twilight, I—”

She threw him out with her levitation and closed the door. “You’re sleeping outside tonight.”

“I did what—”

“Or find somewhere else. I don’t care. Just not in here.”

“I love you....”

He heard her lock the door and walk away. He had no clothes and didn’t know what the weather was going to do, so sleeping outside wasn’t actually viable. He went to the nearest neighbour and knocked the door, and he was met by a pink and white palette swap of Rarity.

“Spike?” the palette swap said.

“Twilight kicked me out for the night.”

“There’s a free couch in the living room.”

“I’m good with that.” Next Chapter: Chapter 31: Apple Bloom Finds Out Estimated time remaining: 16 Hours, 53 Minutes