‘Twas old Faustmas Eve in Twilight’s treehouse;

No sounds were sounding but the click of a mouse.

She was feeling, as Pinkie might say, 4lorn,

And so she was looking at a site full of corn.

The setup was basic, just albums and filters,

But Zecora was working on some crazy new philters.

“Philters...” she muttered, “Doesn’t actually rhyme. But they’ll be too distracted since, hey, Faustmas time. That’s what I’m hoping will take place, anyway. No, no, they won’t like crap just for Faustmas Day.”

She really felt like doing something, but all there was to do was waiting for things to cook.

“I’m making these things for science, I swear. I would never do anything to such a nice mare. But I’m sure she’s not paranoid, she’s that kind of pony. My time on this show is sponsored by Sony.”

At Sweet Apple Acres, where the Apples had dwelt—

Oh Faust, let’s go back to anything else.

I was about to tell you how long that barn was around,

But the paper was eaten by a vicious greyhound.

Big Mac and Applejack were having sex, as well,

But that’s not what I mea—he’s back up, oh hell.

“And then the poem ends,” Rainbow Dash said whilst existing at Sugarcube Corner.

“That poem ending is a great reason for you—” Pinkie Pie said.

“I already bought a cupcake, what more do you want?”

“Buy another one? Don’t just loiter here.”

“C’mon, I’m your friend. Sure, we don’t do stuff like we used to, but....”

“Yeah, I guess I do like seeing you. Well, I’m sure I like seeing you.”

“Have you found a reason to not love me yet?”

“Like I said, I like pretty much everypony, but Zecora’s all special and you’re not.”

“I’m not special?”

“lol you know what i mean”

“Yeah.”

Silence.

“You’re hot,” Pinkie said.

“Um... thanks?”

“Sorry, I just... think that, okay? Sorry.”

“It’s okay, it’s not like I mind.”

“Thanks, I just... I had to confess that.”

“I already thought since you were seriously considering loving me—”

“I know, I just had to explicitly say it to you.”

“You’re Pinkie Pie, why are you so insecure?”

“I don’t know. I’m not.”

Silence.

“Please buy something.”

“No.”

“At least it’s being held at Graevl Pak instead of trying to squeeze everything into Sugarcube Corner,” Rarity changed the subject from expensive champagne.

“That never worked out smoothly any time they did it,” Sweetie Belle said.

But as usual, Rarity is a boring pony with no reason to be cared about, so Fluttershy was hanging some decorations.

“I can’t believe I forgot these ones,” Fluttershy said. “Everypony in Ponyville is going to be at Graevl Pak anyway, but I can’t be the only one who doesn’t do it, right?”

Okay, how’s about Octavia and/or Lyra?

“Do you have to go there?” Lyra said.

“If we don’t want to starve....”

“But I can’t spend Faustmas without you. You wouldn’t do that to me.”

“Look, Lyra, I know you’ll be really sad without me, but it’s just one day, and in the long term—”

“Don’t you have any sense of love or emotions or anything?”

“I’m just not sentimental. I’d like to be with you just as much, but we... I, rather... except... well, the point is that the money is needed. By the way, should we tell the viewers what’s going on?”

Lyra turned to the camera. “There’s a superfluous gala for Faustmas and there’s reasonably big monies in it for Octavia.” Then she turned back. “But don’t you have emotions? At all?”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“If you don’t spend Faustmas with me, then what are we doing together?”

“We’re together all the time, one day isn’t a big deal.”

“But it’s a special day and you’re choosing money over your girlfriend.”

“If I thought the best thing for us would be to stay here, then that’s what I would do.”

“So you won’t spend Faustmas with me. You’re seriously going to spend the entirely of Faustmas away from your girlfriend so you can have a bunch of money.”

“We probably won’t have any money, and thus food, in three months if I don’t do my job.”

“We both have jobs that pay okay, there’s no reason we won’t be fine.”

“We’d be eating LCD food. I know you really want to spend Faustmas with me, and I really want to spend it with you too, but you’re wrong. There’s no guarantee that we’ll ‘be fine’, so I’m going there against your judgment.”

“You’re a bitch.”

Octavia tilted her head forward like “what”. “What did you just say?”

“You’re a bitch.”

Octavia got off the whatever she was sitting on and went over to some minor table to take some bags with a couple things in them.

“Where are you going?” Lyra said.

“I’m leaving. I’ll see you the day after Faustmas.”

“Good. Then I’ll be at the big Faustmas party everypony in town goes to without you.”

“That’s what I planned.”

Octavia left the building with no byes, good or otherwise, taking place.

“Seriously?” Pinkie said. “That place in Austria is pronounced ‘fking’? With no ‘uh’ sound?”

“Yeah,” Rainbow said. “It rhymes with ‘looking’.”

“Well, that’s even better. It’s like you’re censoring yourself.”

“It fucking sucks.”

“I know....”

“So what about Košice?”

“That’s still Košice. But if you’re using it, you should be Košis....”

No response.

“Sorry.”

“I want to hit you with something blunt.”

Who else wants a section? Spike? Oh, you’re Minecrafting. Well, no one else is major enough to get a Faustmas Eve paragraph, so see you same time tomorrow.

CAEB FAUSTMAS STATUS

Twilight and Spike are doing computery stuffs at the moment. They’ll be coming to the Graevl Pak Faustmis Padi, which succeeds the Sugarcube Corner Faustmas party as the main huge Faustmas party of Ponyville.

Zecora is making a philter which she says is for science and not about Fluttershy. But do we believe her? Really?

Ooh, Applejack’s gonna feel that in the morning.

Pinkiedashness! Except that Pinkie Pie was explicitly like no. Except that telling Rainbow she was hot didn’t really help. Except that it doesn’t matter because whether PP→RD or not, RD!→PP.

Rarity is a vain prude and there’s no reason for anyone to like her.

Ly!↔Oc?! The bookies say that’ll make for quite the less boring than usual chapter.

DT→AB. Obviously. That’s why she’s mean to her. Or it could be that she’s one of those ponies who hates Applejackish ponies. But I think it’s—um, yeah, I’m totally authorised. What are you doing with that taser?

So with the tragic death of transcriber #5 by greyhound and the tragic fining of some pony who found a transcriber’s laptop unattended, let’s do some Faustmas!

Applejack woke up. Big Mac wasn’t there; she fell asleep first, so he must’ve gone back to his room. So she figured. Even though there were other explanations. The second thing she noticed was that she could still feel the pain from that time with the floor. It wasn’t traumatic or anything, but she had a flashback anyway.

“Don’t stop!”

“Don’t, stop?”

It didn’t end well. It ended a lot better than the time it was the other way round, but still. Not well. She stayed in bed and did nothing for a few minutes, then went downstairs and okay does someone want to be interesting? Twilight... Rainbow... d’awww, that’s cute, look at them. Hey, Pinkie Pie’s doing preparation stuff!

“Badachow, badachow, badachow, badachow, bow, bow, chow!” Pinkie repeatedly said whilst circular sawing some wood. Note her lack of any safety equipment.

“Yo P-Mare,” Kindle Fire said to Pinkie Pie.

She set the saw to autopilot and turned to face him. “Yeah?”

“We got drink ishes widda T.”

“I’ll take a look.”

They both went over to a table with transparent plastic cups and bowls of fruit block and pineapple juice on it.

“What’s the problem?”

“Check the block, P.”

She looked at the bowl of fruit block, noticing its assorted leaves and bird urine. The adjacent pineapple juice was completely unaffected. “You get replacement beverage, and maybe use plastic or foil or purpose-built lids or something.”

“Copy.”

They went back to their respective jobs.

“It’s just a site with a bunch of pictures of maize?” Spike’s parents’ only son said.

“You got a prahblem wi’ that?”

Spike looked to his right. “Apple Bloom?”

“Uh....”

“Get out of here.”

Apple Bloom ran down and out. At the same time as she left, Twilight entered the room.

“Apple Bloom invaded your house again,” Spike said.

“Oh well. If she didn’t break anything, I don’t care.”

“So it’s just a site with a bunch of pictures of maize?”

“Is there a problem with that?”

“I was just wondering what you specifically would need it for.”

“It’s compli—”

“You have a maize fetish, don’t you?”

“No, it’s a complicated in-joke.”

“You have a maize fetish.”

“Honestly, I don’t.”

“Yes, you do.”

“I swear... look, if you really care, then I’ll explain it. Once upon a time, Rainbow accused me of being bad at finding good pictures of maize.”

“Why?”

“Because she was looking for one and—”

“Why?”

“You’d have to ask her, I don’t know.”

Pinkie Pie noticed something moving towards her in her peripheral vision. She turned her head and, as a result of not looking, accidentally sawed one of her hooves off. But seriously, it was Lyra. Pinkie switched it to autopilot again and turned the rest of her body.

“Hey, Lyra!”

“Hello.”

“You’re here early, aren’t ya?”

“Yes, but I don’t really have anything to do....”

“Hey, what’s with the trailing off and fake smiling? Is something wrong?”

“Well, um... I’m a jerk.”

“Why?”

“Well, Octavia and I were arguing yesterday, you see, she wanted to go to this Faustmas gala because it was her job, but I really wanted her to stay. She said we might end up needing the money, and she’s totally right, we might and it’s really the best practical thing to go there, but... at the time, I felt a little differently, like she was being a jerk for abandoning me over money for Faustmas, which like I said she wasn’t, she was right, but I....”

“Yeah?”

“I called her a bitch. Right to her face.”

“Oh....”

“And now I just... I feel really bad. That was a really stupid thing to say.”

“What did she say to you?”

“She just said she’d see me the day after Faustmas and left.”

“Well, you can explain everything to her when she gets back.”

“I know, but... I feel really bad.”

“It’s okay. You know what you said was wrong, so just apologise and beg for forgiveness.”

“But what if she doesn’t forgive me? I could see this being a semipermanent decline in our relationship.”

“Well....”

“What?”

“I don’t know. I’m not really... qualified to give you love advice....”

“That’s okay, you made me feel sort of better. I’ll tell her when she gets back and everything will probably be fine.”

“But now I feel sad. I don’t have any relationships.”

“Well, it’s okay, right? You’re not the type to hate yourself over things like that.”

“I know, but—”

There was the sound of a running circular saw hitting gravel, followed by the sound of a circular saw running on gravel. Pinkie turned around.

“Uh, crap,” she said. She ran over and turned it off, but not before losing one of her hooves. Not really, it went okay. Then she went back to Lyra.

“Sorry. But, uh, what was I saying?” Pinkie said.

“You don’t hate yourself over things like that.”

“Right, yeah, but I still feel sad. Everypony needs to have some sort of problems in their life, right? I mean, what would they have otherwise, a happy life?”

“Seriously, don’t stress over not having a relationship.”

ろ ろ ろ your boat

“Come on,” Twilight said. “You know you like it. What do you even have to do?”

“Practising for when Rainbow rejects your sex offers?” Spike said.

“Yep.”

“Don’t you ever think that maybe that’s a bit jerky?”

“Well, I’m sorry I think about what I say before I say it.”

“But it’s not like—”

“I’m doing this and you’re not going to stop me.”

After a minute of her repeating the phrase over and over, Rainbow Dash came through the doorway. Except there was no door, so it was just a way. If you put some plants in a Π shape, it’d be a way of life.

“Hi, Rainbow.”

“Hey, Twilight.”

“Can you drop whatever you plan to do and snog with me for a while?”

“You need to go to a therapist or something.”

“Please?”

“I don’t want to.”

“Come on, you know you like it. What do you even have to do?”

“I’m going to Graevl Pak. You should be there too.”

“I doubt anything’s put up there yet.”

“If literally nothing is put up, then I’ll be back here in an hour.”

“And then I get to do unspeakable things to you?”

“Yes.”

“Okay.”

She flew over to Graevl Pak so quickly that it was ten thousand years later and Ponyville was now barren tundra. Wait, no. She touched down on the gravel (and a tiny bit of sand) uneventfully, making Pinkie look to her left once again.

“Hi, Rainbow Dash!”

“Hey, Pinkie Pie. Shouldn’t you be looking at that saw?”

“Um...” she turned the circular saw off, then faced Rainbow in general, “There.”

“Cool. So what’s goin’ on? Am I being annoying and intrudy and delaying your work?”

“Nope, I’m always happy to see you.”

“Seriously, though—”

“No, it’s fine. If I needed to do stuff, I’d say so.”

“Cool. So what are you sawing stuff for?”

“We need planks for planker.”

“We’re doing that this year?”

“Yeah. BallX too.”

“That’ll be awesome.”

“I know, right?”

“Well, I’m gonna tell AJ about the BallX so we can practise and beat everypony.”

“Cool.”

Rainbow flew over to SwApAcres, not to be confused with swapacres.eq, a site that wishes it was eBay.

“FBI ANALOGUE!” Rainbow said as loudly as her vocal chords would allow her.

Applejack ran down and opened the door. “Rainbow? What’s with the FBAh Ah heard?”

“That was me.”

“Fuck you, Ah got real nervous.”

“They’re doing BallX at the Faustmas party this year, so I thought we should practise.”

“‘Kay. But seriously, Faust.”

“I regret nothing.”

Applejack went inside (she was already inside, but you know), nothing happened, and she came out kicking a Nerf-type black ball about twenty centimetres in diameter.

“Cool,” Rainbow said.

They went out to some reasonably clear area. Imagine whatever you want. Okay, ew, you’re not allowed to imagine that.

“So...” Applejack said, “What should we do?”

“Well, we should practise kicking stuff first, since the fighty parts....”

“Yeah, ‘kay.”

Meanwhile in Directly West of DEoDF Forest, someone was racistly insulting the residents of Directly East of DWoDF Forest. But in addition, 4+8=12. Really, is nothing going on on Faustmas? Where even are you, Lyra?

“Hasbro,” Lyra said.

Okay, I see you, you’re back at Octavia’s house.

“Hey,” camerapony #O8 threw his hat into the ring, if you get my drift, “You could hate yourself some more. Our audience likes that.”

“But I already explained why I suck. I don’t want to do it again.”

“Fine.”

CAEB is healthy

ONCE MORE PONIES STARTED SHOWING UP TO GRAEVL PAK!

“‘Kayseronis,” Pinkie said whilst looking over a clipboard, “Lyra and Rainbow... well, that’s a terrible ship. But they’re back here... Twilight, Spike, Apples, Fluttershy, Sweetie Belle... so we’ve got normal mane six and show mane six... wait, where’s Pinkie Pie? I don’t have her on here. I’ll ask Twilight, she knows everything.”

She put the clipboard down on a rectangular prism of planks like you see and walked over to Twilight, who was looking rather lonely and unoccupied, almost like she was Rarity.

“Bendy straw,” Pinkie said. “Whatcha doin’ all alone like?”

“I was talking with Rainbow and barely not sexually assaulting her, then Applejack came and she just dumped me.”

“You need help, seriously. But what I came to ask you was that I was looking over the list of arrived ponies and I wasn’t on it.”

“So?”

“So I’m supposed to be here and I was wondering if you knew where I was.”

“You’re talking to me right now.”

“No, I’m talking—wait, um, oh. Yeah, okay.”

She ran embarrassedly back to the block of planks and resumed looking over the clipboard.

“Still need Scootaloo since she’s Scootaloo,” talked she to herself, “And Zecora in case somepony dies, which if we’re doing a massive BallX tournament is bound to happen at least a couple times... who else do we want? Meh, nopony else is major enough. I mean, Scootaloo’s not major enough, but if anypony else wants to come, they’ll just be here. I mean, look at that pony, I’ve never seen him before, but he’s here. Wait, is that two stallions in the same field of vision in Ponyville? Huh.” She brothe in. “COME OVER HERE FOR BALLX SIGNUPS!”

Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Apple Bloom, and Sweetie Belle all ran over.

“You see that?” Diamond Tiara said to Twist.

“No....”

“If Apple Bloom’s doing something competitive, we have to be there to beat her at it.”

“Do we even know how to play BallX?”

“We’ll learn.”

“So I assume you’re having Scootaloo, right?” Pinkie said to Apple Bloom.

“Yeah.”

“Who’s your third pony, Appledash ponies?”

“Uh...” Rainbow looked at Applejack.

“Ah’ll ask Twahlaht.”

Applejack made the tedious, soul-destroying journey to Twilight.

“Twi—” she coughed, “Li—” she coughed.

“Hi.”

“You wanna be ahn our BallX team?”

“I don’t know how to play BallX.”

“Do y’know somepony who does?”

“Um, let me get Spike.”

Twilight made the soul-destroying, tedious journey to Spike, who was conversing with an extremely happy to be cared about Rarity.

“Straweronis.” “Hello.”

“Sorry to interrupt, but I need to ask you something, Spike.”

“Yeah?”

“Rainbow and Applejack are signing up for the BallX thing and they need a third member for their team, and you’re puerile so I figured you might know how to play it.”

“What do you have against BallX?”

“Nothing, really, I just really wanted to use that word. So do you know?”

“I’ve never actually played it, but to which I know how.”

“Well, hopefully that’s good enough for them.”

“Do I have to be there to sign up?”

“I don’t know, I’d assume so.”

“I’ll go over there.”

Twilight and Spike made the perilous journey back to the desk. Well, it’s not a desk, but it is.

“Can I be on the Appledash BallX team?” Spike asked with quenched thirst and without that 4:30 feeling, all thanks to 5-hour CAEB. 5-hour CAEB is a healthy drink for anyone needing a quick shot of energy.

“Sure, I just need your name.”

“You’re looking at me. You know who I am.”

“Do you have a surname?”

“Unless Twilight actually named me Spike Sparkle and never told me about it, then no.”

“Okay, so so far we have a Rainbow/AJ/Spike team and the CMC. Hopefully we can get at least four teams in since brackets are fun.”

The next interesting conversation was between Applejack and Rainbow Dash at a circular umbrella table. They were just sitting there like they hadn’t just fucked behind that bush, which everyone close pretty much knew they had, but it’s not like they were going to say anything.

“Ah’m thirsty,” Applejack said.

“Well, they’re hardly running out of drinks. Just don’t have anything all alcoholic, I want you sober for the BallX.”

“Yeah, Ah’ll be all respahnsible.”

Applejack went to the nearest table and came back with some water.It’s almost as healthy as CAEB.

“Ah thought you trusted me,” she said after putting down the cup she had been precariously holding with her teeth.

“Where’s that comin’ from?”

“Bein’ all respahnsible. Do you think Ah’m a fuckin’ idiot?”

“You seemed to take it as a nice friendly reminder before, why are you all bitchy about it now?”

She took a sip. “‘Cause Ah was feelin’ nahce before an’ now Ah realise that you were treatin’ me lahke Ah was fuckin’ two years old.”

“You’re supposed to yell at ponies and then apologise, not the other way round.”

“Well, Ah’m not gonna let you off all easy.”

She drank the rest of the cup, which did nothing to prevent the ensuing short silence.

“Ah’m sorry Ah was such a bitch about the drink thing,” Applejack said.

“It’s okay, I still love you.”

“No, really....”

“I don’t feel like being melodramatic right now.”

Immediately after that conversation ended, the Cocleares Argentorum drew attention for a moment by appearing. They went up to the signup desk with purpose and srs bsnssness.

“We’d like to sign up for the BallX competition,” Diamond Tiara said.

“Fine,” Pinkie accepted the fact that Diamond and her minions were doing something. “At least your existence will be worth it if we get one more team.”

“Come on,” Diamond Tiara said, “We’re going to harass the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Especially Apple Bloom.”

The CA did indeed travel to the CMC.

“Hey, Dahmond,” Apple Bloom accepted the fact that they knew each other on a shortened name basis, “Ya come ‘ere ta harass me?”

“Yes.”

“Well, you’ll ½ ta get through Sweetie Belle an’ Scootaloo first.”

“Well, they must get through Twist and Silver first.”

The four brave soldiers stood around without doing anything.

“Do something,” Diamond said.

“Sweetie Belle?” Apple Bloom said.

“Yeah?”

“Can you use your magic for somethin’?”

“Um... wait, yeah. Okay, here’s a threat for you ponies: surrender or I’ll light you on fire.”

Silver Spoon stepped back.

“What are you doing?” Twist said at Silver Spoon.

“Surrendering.”

“Well, I shall not be such a coward for our master.”

Sweetie Belle focussed really hard or something for a second, then, like magic, Twist’s mane was on fire. Twist immediately turned and went for the nearest drink table.

“Goshcruddamnsodshitfuck,” Twist said as she ran for a table, watched by dozens of ponies, and subsequently got to the table. She hastily poured some water on herself. It stopped the fire, but she had already lost her mane and most of the fur on her scalp, and had a minor burn on said scalp. Everyone lost interest and she walked back to the battlefield.

“I surrender too,” she said.

“Do you surrender?” Sweetie Belle said, looking at Diamond Tiara.

Diamond checked out Twist’s head for a moment. “Yes.”

A second of nothing passed.

“We’ll go and see what Zecora can do,” Diamond said primarily to Twist.

Twist nodded and the CA were off.

“Sweetie Belle?” Scootaloo said.

“What?”

“That was awesome.”

“I don’t know, I feel all guilty.”

“Why? She’s Twist.”

“I know, but... violence is wrong and stuff.”

“It’s self-defence. And it’s Twist.”

“I know, but...”

“Ah already said,” Applejack said, “Ah ain’t gonna tell you.”

“Come on.”

“Did you even get anythin’ for anypony?”

“Yeah, I got stuff for the mane six. And Scootaloo. She’s gonna be so excited....”

“What’d you get ‘er, a buncha random objects you scribbled your name on?”

“I’m not that much of a Rarity. It’s something totally unrelated to me. Everypony else can get ‘er the Rainbow Dash merch, I got somethin’ else.”

“Food?”

“She’ll like it, okay? Don’t you trust me?”

“Ah trust you in the squishy love kinda way. Mostly in general too, but there’re some things.”

“Like what, piloting spaceships to New Virgin?”

“No, normal stuff too. Lahke—”

“How do you decide ‘normal stuff’?”

“Lahke stuff you’re not good at.”

“So that would be normal stuff.”

“Ah don’t feel like explainin’.”

“What?” Fluttershy said. “It’s my turn? I get a turn? Um, well, I’m not doing much. I’m not even talking with anypony.” She dramatically paused. “I feel kind of lonely, actually.”

“SIGNUPS FOR PLANKER!” Pinkie said.

Big Mac, Applejack, Philip the Background Character, Carrot Cake, Butterscotch’s rude cousin Asserscotch, and Silver Spoon all travelled to the desk.

“Wait,” Apple Bloom said, watching the ponies coming up to Pinkie Pie because movement is entertaining, “Silver Spoon’s sahnin’ up?”

“That’s what it looks like,” Scootaloo said.

“Then Ah gotta sahn up too.”

“Do you even know how it works?”

“Well, no....”

“Then don’t worry about it.”

“But Silver Spoon.”

“So? At least it’s not Diamond Tiara. And like I just said, what are you going to do if you do play it?”

“Y’know.”

“No.”

“Uh... stuff.”

“Nothing’s happening,” Pinkie said, “So does anypony wanna be a fourth BallX team?”

A tumbleweed came onto the scene. Everyone stared at it for a couple seconds as it rolled across the gravel, then Twilight brought it over to herself with her levitation.

“What are you gonna do with a tumbleweed?” Spike said.

“Burn it. What else would I do?”

“You know, there was a time when you were sane.”

Twilight lit the tumbleweed and watched as it slowly burnt into nothing, violating conservation of energy.

“Twilight?” Spike said after the tumbleweed fully burnt away.

“What?” She looked to Spike and noticed he was being magically pulled away.

“Rape.”

“Look behind you.”

Spike looked behind him, which was actually in front of him because of the direction he was being pulled, and saw it was Rarity.

“Are you gonna rape me?” Spike said.

“No.”

“Come on.”

“I know I’m boring, but I assure you that this will be worth your frankly cheap time.”

“I don’t think you’re boring....”

“Well, he’s getting creepily pulled away by somepony I know,” Twilight said. “And as we all know, you’re more likely to get raped by a random pony walking down the street than somepony you trust.”

“So what did you creepily pull me to this umbrella table for?” Spike said. “Are you sure you don’t want to rape me?”

“I would never do that to you, it’s just that we need to resume our talking.”

“‘Resume our talking’? That’s not very Rarityish.”

“Resume our... conversation? It doesn’t matter. Now, you were telling me about—”

“BALLX TIIIME!” Pinkie Pie said through a megaphone.

“Well, I have to go over there,” Spike said, stressing the “to” heavily.

“Who will I be with? Nopony else likes me.”

“I don’t have time to say stuff, so bye.”

And so Rarity’s only shot at being entertaining left to play BallX.

“Oooookayseronirolls,” Pinkie said. “Our four teams are... um, what’s your team name, Appledash and Spike?”

“We’re Team Purina,” Applejack said. “Rainbow?”

“Yeah?”

“Should Ah make mah middle name Purina?”

“How much money are they giv—”

“Our four teams,” Pinkie said, “If nopony will interrupt me, are Team Purina, the CMC, the CA, and the Ktery Triplets!”

She pointed to a group of three ponies: a burnt orange stallion, a mare who was either orange or pink, and another burnt orange stallion who looked identical to the first one except for two black stripes running across his head and his back and the giant black 4s on his sides.

“Who?” Apple Bloom said.

“Team Purina—”

“No, Ah know, but... am Ah the only one who don’t reco’nahse ‘em?”

“No,” the other eight said.

“Well, they came here and they signed up.”

“Yeah, fahne,” Apple Bloom said, “But who are they?”

“The Ktery Triplets. The first round will be the CMC and CA and Purina and Ktery.”

“Oh, so they’re losin’ anyway.”

“Well, they’re not against Team Unstoppable, you know, Rainbow Dash and Applejack and Twilight. So they have something of a chance. Anyway, TP and the KT are first, so the rest of you do whatever.”

Pinkie (Pie), T(eam) P(urina), and the K(tery) T(riplets) went off to the tesseract that was the BallX field. Wait, no, it had half as many dimensions. Back at the desk, Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara looked at each other, both planning to complain about the other looking at them.

“No,” Scootaloo said as she took Apple Bloom by the neck. “That’s disgusting and you’re not doing it.”

“You’ll never stop our... well, not love, but sexual attraction. You’ll never stop that!”

“All you can think of when you’re even somewhat alone with her is sex. You’re way too young for that. What happened to all the hatred?”

Apple Bloom pushed Scootaloo to the ground and walked halfway to the Cocleares.

“You shouldn’t—” Twist managed to say before being pushed over by Diamond. Diamond herself made her way to Apple Bloom.

“If we win the game,” Apple Bloom said, “You are so gonna be mah bitch for the day.”

“If we win, you’ll be my bitch.”

“You ponies? Win? Have y’ever even played before?”

“...Yes.”

“Well, we’re gonna pwn you with our superior physical an’ mental attributes.”

“I’ll love watching you try.”

“Well, it’ll be all right,” Fluttershy said like she had a fucking crystal ball. “She probably thinks you were just mad, and you can explain and apologise when she gets back.”

“I can comfort myself all I want,” Lyra said, “But I’m a jerk.”

“Don’t say that, everypony loses their head sometimes. She’d be silly to hold this against you forever.”

“But it’s never going to change—have you been here the whole time, Rarity?”

“Rarity’s here?” Fluttershy looked in a couple random directions. “Oh. Hello, Rarity.”

“I was hoping one of you would be lonely so I wouldn’t have to spend another party alone. I definitely didn’t expect to see you both at once.”

“Well, there’s only room for two at this umbrella table,” Lyra said.

“There are two empty seats,” Rarity said.

“It’s metaphorical.”

“If you don’t want me here, you can just say so.”

“Leave.”

Rarity departed for another world. I wish.

“But it’s never going to change the fact that I called her that,” Lyra said.

“Like I said, you’ll explain and she’ll forgive you. It’ll all work out fine.”

“I see,” Zecora said, seeing Twist. “I can heal the burn with some magical lime, but the only thing that’ll fix your mane is time. Not that cures don’t exist; indeed, there are plenty. It’s just that, put simply, I didn’t bring any.”

“You didn’t? Really?”

“I didn’t have anything in the first place.”

“Oh. But you can fix the burn?”

Zecora threw a lime at Twist so hard that it broke into two pieces.

“Ow,” Twist said as the burn disappeared and the fur grew back. “What was that about?”

“You’re better,” Diamond said.

“What?” Twist rubbed her head. “Oh. Thanks, Zecora!”

“Of course.”

“Anypony else want a section before the three-hour skip?” camerapony # -1 said through a megaphone. “We need some refreshing tertiary characters.”

Spitfire flew up in the air and waved.

“Okay, we’re coming over.”

A couple cameraponies and a transcriber came over.

“I’m here at the traditional annual somewhat Sugarcube Corner-sponsored Ponyville Faustmas party with Soarin’,” Spitfire said. “You could also say Soarin’’s at the traditional annual vaguely sponsored by Sugarcube Corner Ponyville Faustmas party with me. Or you could say—”

Soarin slapped Spitfire in the cheek, causing her to put her hoof on it for a moment.

“Thanks,” she said. “Sorry, I do that sometimes. But we were just talking about how this party doesn’t really have any Faustmas themes to it. It doesn’t really matter that much to me as long as it has fruit parry, but I could see how some other ponies wouldn’t like it. In fact, there’s not much partyish about it either, it’s all talking and eating stuff and no stuff like clumsily sexified versions of children’s party games or getting drunk. Wait, that’s a partay. Yeah, this is about right, then, I guess.”

“Your thoughts, Soarin’?” camerapony #1+3 asked for Soarin’’s thoughts.

“Um...” said Soarin’, who was being festive and wearing his second favourite earmuffs, “I dunno, I think the same as Spitfire.”

“Well, we’ll go to commercial after a quick word from our sponsors.”

I Suck At Titles, Summary Better is brought to you in part by CAEB. It turns you into a pegasus.

What do you get when you cross mouth-watering pineapple, still-sizzling mushrooms, cheese you’d be able to identify if you were good at that, tomato sauce made with real tomatoes, and crust that actually tastes like anything? A slice of pizza from Isosceles’ Pizzeria at 42 Manor Road, Cracuf.

“And we’re back with our live coverage of the 2012 Sugarcube Corner Ponyville Faustmas Party at Graevl Pak,” Shiny Teeth Anchor said. “It’s been three hours, and a bit has changed. Of course, if you’re reading the text version, you didn’t have to wait three hours for the next part, having to wait even more time for all the parts. But the first BallX game is over and Team Purina have beaten the Ktery Triplets 12–0.” BallX scores are hockey-like, to give you an idea. “The second BallX game will begin in just a few minutes. Now, Ktery B is here with me now. What was wrong with your game today?”

Ktery B, the orange/pink one, who was missing most of her fur and had scratches all across her body, wiped a bit of dripping mucus with what remained of her coat’s sleeve and sniffled. “Well, for one, we had only played two BallX games in our lives and that was like seven years ago. Then there’s the problem that we were up against Rainbow Dash and Applejack. I mean, I don’t fuckin’ know how often they play BallX, but it’s gotta be more than us, and they’re, like, athletic as shit, obviously. So the problem was pretty much that we just, like, came in without any, you know, experience or anything, without any fucking plans, and expected to just really beat a third of the ponies who saved the bloody world.”

“So the problem with your overall strategy was that you didn’t actually make one.”

“Yep, that bloody well sums it up.”

“Thanks. Anything to add to that, Ktery A?”

“Uh...” said Ktery A, the stallion without the stripes, who had multiple lacerations on each of his forelegs and a large hole where you’d expect a left cheek, “We played greatly and I hope Zecora is able to heal us. We had not much experience, but... it was a great day for what we did.”

“Well, that’s it for the BallX report. Will the two conscious Ktery Triplets literally live to see another day? Stay tuned.”

“You see the pink one, Spike?” Rainbow said.

“What ‘pink one’?” Applejack said. They’re all orange.”

“Nuh-uh, the mare’s pink.”

“She’s orange. See? Look at ‘er. That colour’s called oran—”

“She’s pink, you fucking moron.”

“Ah’m the fuckin’ morahn? You’re the one callin’ an orange thin—”

“She’s fucking pink!”

“Ponies?” Spike said. They both looked at him. “Calm down.”

They looked back, and the staring slowly changed from angry back to its normal romantic.

“You’re not a moron,” Rainbow said.

“It’s okay.” Applejack moved within grabbing for a hug distance.

“Really, I’m a—”

“Don’t start one ah those, Ah love you. You’re not a terrible pony—”

“Ponies?” Spike said. “Rainbow Dash? You were saying something?”

“Yeah. So you see her there?”

“Yeah, what about her?”

“You scratched ‘er up nice.”

“Thanks. Um, was I okay at the game?”

“You’re not very good at the ball-moving parts, but you’re a great fighter. And I’m sure you’ll get better at the ball-moving parts with practice, since you said you’d never played before, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah, so you’ll get better.”

Shiny Teeth Anchor jumped in the middle of them from behind a bush.

“Rainbow Dash,” he said, “What comments do you have about the game today?”

“It was so easy,” Rainbow, who along with Applejack had no injuries whatsoever, though Spike had an easy for Zecora broken arm, said, “It was like they hadn’t played BallX in seven years or something. But we basically decided that we’d play it really conservative an’ if we screwed up then panic and go really offensive, but they could barely get the simplest fundamentals done and once we hit ‘em with anything more complex than running directly forward, they were hopeless.”

“Anything you have to say, Applejack?”

“Like Rainbow said, they didn’t even know basic BallX strategy. Ah mean, a third ah our team didn’t either, but at least he knew basic clawin’ stuff to death strategy. We didn’ really use ‘im much until after the first half, but once we saw that we were gonna win, we let ‘im do more offensive stuff for practice instead ah just hangin’ out in defence. So yeah, it was real easy since they sucked at every aspect ah BallX ‘cept for runnin’ fast.”

“Well, that’s your analysis from Team Purina,” he said before flying away because he was a pegasus. You assumed he was an earth pony, didn’t you? Racist.

“That’s really what you’d do?” Twilight said.

“The Internet said there’s a spell for it,” Pinkie said, “So why wouldn’t I wanna do it?”

“Wait, we’re on. Um, should I...?”

“Yeah, go ahead.”

“There’s a spell you can cast and it makes the BrodyQuest music play around you whenever you walk. There. So as I was saying, you’d get sick of it after five minutes.”

“So? I’ll just turn it off if I ever ‘get sick of it’, as if I would.”

“It lasts twelve hours. You can’t shorten it or lengthen it, it’s twelve hours then you can cast it again if you want.”

“Is that twelve hours of walking or just twelve hours?”

“Just twelve hours.”

“See? So it’s not like it wouldn’t spring up when you weren’t in the mood for it or anything. There are no disadvantages.”

“Okay, well, even if you wouldn’t get sick of it, what about all the ponies around you?”

“Well, I’d like i—”

“Yeah, but not everypony is you. What about all the ponies around you?”

“I won’t run into anypony on random walks, who goes outside anymore? You just wouldn’t like it and you’re projecting that onto me.”

“Sure.”

Rainbow Dash and Applejack came up to the desk.

“Yeah?” Pinkie said.

“When’s the BallX fahnal?” Applejack said.

“Oh, we’re saving that for the New Year’s party.”

“‘Kay.” She turned to Rainbow. “So will y’ let me drink mahself ta death now?”

“Yep.”

“Cool.”

“Hey,” Spike said, as Twilight had just teleported in and took a seat at the umbrella table he had stationed himself at.

“Hi, Spike.” She noticed his arm and her face changed from fun party happiness to sad party concern. “Your arm looks a bit....”

“Yeah, I broke it in the BallX game. Zecora’ll fix it once she’s done with the other team, though.”

“That’s good. Are you sure you won’t die in the next game?”

“I’ll be fine. You won’t be a parent and not let me play, will you?”

“Of course you can play, I just don’t want you seriously hurt or killed.”

“Well, it’s BallX, I’m gonna get seriously hurt, but they can just bring me to Zecora if it looks like I’m about to die.”

“Yeah. I guess I’m just worried for no reason.”

“‘Cause that never happens.”

“Shut up.”

The Appledash pair were back at their table for a really, really short scene.

“So how much are they payin’ you?” Rainbow said. “You never told me and I want you to be able to tell me before you get drunk.”

“Ah can’t tell ya anyway.”

“Well, if you’re not sure, then don’t do it.”

“Yeah, Ah don’ think Ah will.”

Does Big Mac want a part? He’s the only one major enough left, then we can call the chapter finished. Actually, I don’t care, he’s getting one.

“So that’s why I came to you,” Fluttershy said.

“You should say that again.”

“Why—oh, I see. Lyra didn’t have anything to talk about other than the incident with Octavia.”

“But why did you come to me?”

“Well, I saw you were alone and you’re a nice pony, you don’t deserve to be alone, so....”

“I’m fine with being alone.”

“But it’s a party. You need to do something other than just eat. Party things like games, talking with relatives or friends you never see, finding a love interest....”

“Finding a love interest?”

“Well, I don’t know why I said that one. But the other two... and I’m not saying those are the only things, just examples.”

“I know.”

“Well, when you’re back at Sweet Apple Acres, you’ll have your family to look forward to, right?”

“AJ’ll be passed out or doing things with Rainbow Dash, and Apple Bloom will be with her normal friends, so I won’t have anything to do.”

“Oh. Well....” She suddenly stopped talking and looked downward for a second. She had a nervous and scared and such facial expression, was breathing a bit strangely, and was generally not doing a good job of hiding that she was nervous. She randomly swallowed and looked back up. “Well, you could—I could....”

“Is something wrong?”

“Not me, but somepony could organise a thing where you, me... Lyra, Rarity... anypony who’d otherwise, who would otherwise be alone can come. Do you—is that a stupid idea?”

“I’ll tell it to Pinkie Pie.”

“Okay, sure, you... you do that.”

Big Mac got up and left the table. You assumed they were at an umbrella table, right? Good. In related news, Fluttershy became conscious of her breathing and put her knees on the table and her head in her hooves.

“Yo waz up, Big Mac!” Pinkie Pie said, trying make the two fingers diagonally downward symbol with a hoof.

“Fluttershy thinks there should a party for ponies like her and Lyra who would otherwise be alone for late night Faustmas.”

“Everypony gets kicked out of the park when everypony gets kicked out, but maybe if we went somewhere else like... Saend Pak? Is that too far?”

“It’s too small.”

“Yeah... I don’t know. Everywhere is just too small or unlit. So I guess I do know and it’s no.”

“Okay.”

He went back.

“It was a stupid idea,” he said.

Fluttershy nodded. “Well, we—no, never mind.”

“What?”

“I don’t... I don’t even have... never mind.”

Buy CAEB

And so with their part done, it was time to see the injuries from the CMC/CA game and then end the chapter. For real this time.

“Aaand amazingly,” Pinkie said through a megaphone, “It’s another twelve to nil win, with the Crusaders from Cutie Mark raping and killing the Argentorum from Cocleares. Now it’s time for the best part of any BallX game, the end-of-game injury report! Looks like Twist has no tail, maybe about a third of her fur, and around twenty, twenty-five cuts, bite tears, and general injuries on her body. Rich’s suffered a wound going right to the bone on her left foreleg, a broken jaw, three broken ribs, a broken right hindleg, and bruises all across her body. Spoon’s escaped with a nearly severed right foreleg from an injury right behind the shoulder, some more bite tears, and both her hindlegs are bending completely the wrong way. As for the Cutie Mark Crusaders, Sweetie Belle has a broken leg and Scootaloo has scratches all over her chest.”

Okay, now the chapter’s over. For real. You’re probably really tired anyway, like you started reading this right before you were about to go to bed at your normal two o’clock bedtime, and now you’re like Faaauuust let it be ooover. Well, now it is over. See you tomorrow.

Next Chapter: Chapter 15E: Lyra’s Got Some ‘Splainin’ to Do (Again) Estimated time remaining: 38 Minutes