“And that’s why you should be happy,” Lyra said.

“Because it’s the first day of December?” Octavia said.

“Yes. December is the happiest month of the year, and you need to act like it.”

“Do I not seem happy to you?”

“You never seem happy.”

“I’m usually content. Also, you always seem to complain whenever I so much as smile.”

“That’s because you look all weird when you smile. It creeps me out.”

“So do you want me to seem happy or not?”

“You need to be happy, just not show it.”

“But that’s how I usually am anyway.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“The idea that I was never okay was something you completely fabricated.”

“All right.”

Meanwhile, all the CMC were still asleep from the wild partay they had.

“You have to say something or we’re all getting sacked,” Lyra said.

“There’s nothing to say.”

“Come on, you’re ignoring all the... things with....”

“Yes?”

“We’re losing our jobs.”

“We probably are, yes.”

“It’s a good thing we got those stable jobs.”

“Quite. ...Why are you staring at me like that?”

“Isn’t it obvious?”

“You want to kiss me? Saying that makes me feel like a ten-year-old colt, but it’s true.”

“Well, I don’t want it to be that one-sided. I want us to kiss. Each other.”

“Is this something you actually want to do or is it just your last effort to be interesting to the audience?”

“Why are you so reluctant to snog with your girlfriend a little?”

“Why are you being so pushy about this?”

“Because I have nothing better to do right now.”

“You could be doing generic computer things.”

“You could be doing generic computer things.”

“I think I will.”

“Fine!”

And so they both got sacked.

“Who should we get to put in the game show?” I said, wondering whether I was here or in the Programme Productions headquarters or what.

“We could just have four mane characters,” said an advisor whom I never listen to since I’m evil.

“Are you crazy?! We need six mane characters.”

“Well, given that, isn’t there a better way to choose them than a trivia contest?”

“Are you suggesting that there’s no correlation between amount of useless knowledge and interestingness for a reality show?”

“Yes.”

“Why did I even hire you?”

“You were impressed with my knowledge of geography.”

“Well, find some ponies who’ve been appearing too much and put them in the game show.”

KA-ORGANISATION!

“Hecko,” Pinkie Pie said, “And welcome to Mane Character 4 a 4seeable Future Lambda Turbo Rhodium Masters’ Edition Xtended Plus!”

The audience applauded.

“On this hour-long special edition, we’ll have twelve one thousand-bit questions and two fifteen hundred-bit questions, for a total maximum prize of 150,000 bits!”

The audience applauded.

“Now it’s time to introduce the six—yes, six—contestants!

“First, we have a younger sibling of a saviour of the world, Apple Bloom!

“An older sibling of a saviour of the world, Big Mac!

“Some cook or chemist or doctor or something, Zecora!

“A crazy fangirl, Butterscotch!

“A sibling of a saviour of the world, Sweetie Belle!”

“And last and possibly least, a live-in servant of a saviour of the world, Spike!”

The audience applauded.

“But wait, it gets even better! Not one, not three, but the top two of our contestants get to be mane characters!” They cheered again. “Let’s get ready to rumble! Preparation for rumbling takes a while, so first, here’s a commercial!”

I’M NOT GONNA BE A PR ROBOT ANYMORE

WAAAAAT

Bleu de Chanel

“And we’re back. The score is currently tied at 0–0–0–0–0–0. First question.” Pinkie took a card, the corners of which were now rounded. “Fluffernutter has three raisins, which he trades with Whiskers for six craisins. If craisins are one third raisin, what is the ratio of the value of cranberries to that of raisins?”

Fifteen seconds later...

“TIMES UP ! The correct answer is one fourth. Question #2: this pairing would often be referred to as InHidingShipping if anypony ever talked about it.”

Apple Bloom rang in.

“What is... are... who are... what is... Carmen Sandiego and Wally.”

“Apple Bloom is correct!”

The audience cheered.

“Okay, three: what is the slope of the line which passes through (40, 2) and (0xC4, 8)? Please give your answer in decimals.”

Fifteen seconds of silence.

“The correct answer is .0, then 384615 with a bar over it. Caudices. 4 the 4th question, we have a Video Challenge: what is the capital of Uruguay?”

Nobody answered.

“Now it’s time for the lightning round. The time limit is three seconds, and each question counts as a fifth of a normal question. Why are there still horses? Where are the transitional forms for the transitional forms for the transitional forms? Why am I confusing evolution and abiogenesis? How can you prove I’m wrong? How can evolution be true when I think trees are pretty?”

Zecora rang in. “It’s a tree, not an arrow, we can’t find every single fossil ever, you’re an idiot, I can’t so it’s based on nothing, and that’s not even relevant.”

“Correct! A thousand points for Zecora. Question five is also a lightning round, meaning the question pertains to lightning. Explain the etymology of the word lightning.”

No one could. Correction: no one playing could.

“It’s lighten and -ing, with the E removed to make it not sound stupid. Sixth question: the third square pyramidal number times one hundred plus twice the atomic number of the element in today’s broadcast’s name.”

Apple Bloom rang in. “1492?”

“No.”

Silence.

“It’s 1490. Faust, don’t you ponies and dragon and zebra know anything? The answer is yes, because how can you know literally nothing, and don’t get all philosophical on me with your unfalsifiable brain in a jar hypotheses or your Pyrrhonism. Question seven: When was an arbitrary sport at its best?”

In which Apple Bloom rang. “When the asker was eleven.”

“Correct! KoL reference! Line attempting to soften the blow of a commercial break!”

One time, I was walking along in Ponyville, going by this restaurant where most of the tables were outside even though said outside wasn’t particularly scenic or anything. Anyway, sitting there on one of the tables unattended was a sunflower sandwich. Being the law-abiding pony I am, I sat down at the table and started to eat the sandwich. When I was about half done with it, a staff came out of the building and saw me.

“You don’t look like the pony who ordered that,” the staff said.

“I’m... his boyfriend. He got it for me.”

“It was a mare....”

I dropped the sandwich and ran.

“And we’re back. The score is Apple Bloom 2,000, Zecora 1,000, everypony... one else 0. Next question. What does the ‘aster’ in ‘asterisk’ mean?”

No responses.

“It’s ‘star’, you morons. Aster. Idiots. Anyway, question nine, you imbeciles: if it’s six o’clock when our fictional holiday, Soldesant, starts, and it ends at six o’clock tomorrow, how long does it last?”

Zecora rang in. “Are we using 24-hour time?”

“No.”

“Insufficient information.”

“Correct! It’s Apple Bloom and Zecora up front with everypony and zebra and dragon else being idiots at the back. Ten: Sunflower Seed starts cycling north from Canterlot—”

Zecora rang in.

“What?” Pinkie said.

“Isn’t there a huge cliff north of—”

“At 200 km/h. At the same time, Self-insert OC jumps into his Lotughirrari and starts driving east from Ponyville at 800 km/h.”

Zecora rang in. “I don’t think they would meet.”

“Correct! A thousand points for Zecora. Question 11: a nationwide poll of ponies aged eighteen or over voted this the most confusing thing of the second millenium.”

Zecora buzzed in. “A band the author doesn’t like’s popularity?”

“Wrong. Anypony else?”

Apple Bloom buzzed in like a bee into a... beehive... or something. “A band the author lahke’s unpopularity?”

“Wrong. Anypony else?”

Ten seconds later!

Big Mac pressed the gigantic dome buzzer on the contestant podium. “Quantum mechanics.”

“The opposite of your other right! It’s Zecora 3,000, Apple Bloom 2K0, and Big Mac ten caret three as we go into question twelve. This province of an Earthen country is known for having nothing whatsoever in its northern half other than two or three eerily circular lakes.”

Nothing.

“It’s Quebec. Or Québec, if you’re one of those ponies who spells Brazil with an S. Now, for fifteen hundred points stroke bits, what was the second question about?”

No one.

“It was the InHidingShipping one. So as we go into the final question, Zecora is definitely becoming a mane character along with one of Apple Bloom and Big Mac. So, for one thousand five hundred and zero points, it was the year the Bishopric of Regensburg was founded.”

Crickets chirped. Are there crickets on Hasbro? The answer is apparently.

“It’s 739. Morons. So with that, Zecora wins and Apple Bloom also wins a little!”

The audience applauded.

“We’ll play some commercials, then it’ll be thyme for the bonus round!”

A sure to be hit new comedy that’ll make you laugh, cry, and laugh! Features include the guy with no character, the guy with a fetish everyone repeatedly makes jokes about, that stereotypical adolescent female who says “whatever” all the time, the inexplicably mature five-year-old, the abrasive but compassionate deep down adolescent male, the writers occasionally thinking they can do drama, toilet humour, shoehorned-in slang, copying Seinfeld, politically incorrect jokes, and by “politically incorrect”, we mean homophobic, and pathetic misunderstanding of Internet culture! Generic New Comedy, coming this May on the ECC.

“So, Zecora,” Pinkie Pie said, “After much hardship, and by hardship I mean coincidentally having the questions be things you know about, you’ve got to here. To the bonus question. For 27,000 bits, aaaaare yooouuu readaaaaay?”

“No.”

“No? What do you mean ‘no’?”

“Now I’m ready.”

“Good. Now, for twenty-seven thooouuusand bits: due to the boring grid layout of the streets, all of its municipalities look like waffles.”

“i dunno lol”

“Well, it’s Argentina. Anywayserwhatsits, Zecora and Apple Bloom are mane characters now, even though Apple Bloom had enough appearances to effectively be a mane character anyway. But with irregard, that’s it for this episode of:”

“MANE CHARACTER FOR A FORESEEABLE FUTURE LAMBDA TURBO RHODIUM MASTERS’ EDITION XTENDED PLUS!”

Next Chapter: Chapter 14E: The Zecorapie Chronicle Estimated time remaining: 2 Hours, 30 Minutes