“You got a line on my life, and when I look down at you I see somepony who’d make a very good wife, so why don’t you come down this way so that the two of us can be happy and gay!”

Shining Armor liked to think that he was a pretty even-tempered colt; a pony that was slow to anger and quick to forgive, but there were times when he’d have one heck of an urge to smack somepony upside the head because of the sheer amount of irritation they were causing him. He had never acted on these urges, which was a given for any normal, sane pony, but that didn’t mean that he didn’t feel them like everyone else.

“Na nana nahaha, why don’t you come this way so the two of us can be happy and gay!”

Though Flash, to his credit, was coming dangerously close to having him rip of his helmet and take the Pegasus to slap city.

Gritting his teeth, the unicorn said, for what seemed like the hundredth time, “Flash, will you please stop singing to yourself?”

If he hadn’t had years and years of discipline drilled into him back at Canterlot he would have turned to glare at the private. “I’m about ready to either jam my hooves in my ears or throw you out a window; and I’m really leaning toward the latter.”

Flash, who had been swaying back and forth as he sang, like he had been doing for the past hour or so, couldn’t help but let out an annoyed huff.

“HEY! My singing’s not that bad!” he said defensively.

“No it’s not,” Shining allowed, shifting his weight around his hooves to at least try to keep hislimbs limber, “but it starts to get grating when you sing the same bucking song again and again for hours.”

Flash tried to open his mouth in protest when Shining snapped it shut with a spell.

“Our shift ends in a couple of hours, so why don’t the two of us just spend the rest of it in silence. Absolute silence.”

Flash glared at the back of his friends head. Taking a step forward, puffing out his chest, and straightening his helmet, he was about to lay into Shining about why he needed to do something so he wouldn’t lose his mind just staring at a crystal wall, when something caught his eye.

Two ponies, both of whom had simple grey cloaks covering their bodies and faces, were carrying a big sack of… something on their backs as they quickly made their way down the hall toward him and Shining.

I wonder what the heck that is? he thought, nudging Shining with his spear.

“Hey Shining, do you see that?”

Shining, not turning his head, nodded. “Yeah, it looks like a couple of ponies carrying a big bag of potatoes or trash or something, why?”

Flash eyed the sack again, his eyes narrowing in suspicion. “I think that the two of us should see what they’re carrying,” he told his fellow private, who finally turned to look at him in irritation.

“And why would the two of us do something like that?” Shining asked.

“Because I’m bored and if we don’t then I’m going to start singing again,” Flash threatened, holding Shining’s gaze as the two had a bit of a stare-down; Flash’s eyes burning with determination and Shining’s filled with irritation, which was then followed by begrudging acceptance.

“…Fine, but let’s make this quick. I’m sure these ponies have some place to be,” Shining said, slightly disgusted with himself as Flash trotted over toward the mystery ponies with a little pip in his step. “Why do I even support his behavior?”

“Excuse me gentlecolts; would you mind telling us what’s in the bag?” Flash asked, blocking the pony’s path.

Grumbling to himself, Shining walked up and stood next to his fellow guard as the two ponies shared a look with each other.

“Oh... what’s in the sack you say?” one of the stallions said, hefting the sack with a grunt. “Well it’s just a couple of, um…. rumble weeds.”

“Terrible things rumble weeds,” the other added with an almost forced smile. “They’ll ruin a garden if you let them. And us, being a pair of gardeners for her royal highness herself, had to do something to protect the princess’s garden and our living. So my partner and I were just taking them out to be disposed of.”

Flash and Shining looked at each other for a moment before staring back at the stallions.

“…Rumble weeds?” Shining asked suspiciously. “What the hay are rumble weeds, and why were they in the princess’s garden?”

“And why are you two wearing cloaks in the middle of a nice sunny day?” Flash added.

It didn’t take a genius to figure out that something was going on and that there was a good chance that they were being lied to, but Flash and Shining wanted to give these two the benefit of the doubt.

They weren’t gardeners, and neither of the two could boast knowing more than a hoofful of common plants, so there might have been a chance that these mystery ponies weren’t full of horseapples. It was doubtful but the two could hope.

The two mystery stallions, other than starting at each other once again and smiling nervously at the guards, were as cool as cucumbers.

“Well you see, guardscolts, what my partner and I have in this sack, and handling it carefully mind you, is the rare and dangerous rumble weed,” one of the stallion’s said, tapping the sack on his back with a hoof.

“It’s a plant that secretes a foul odor when any amount of sunlight touches it,” the other said, pinching his nose with a hoof. “The odor’s so foul that it can cause a pony so vomit within mere seconds of exposure and far worse if one were to stay around it more than a few minutes without the proper protection!”

Slightly alarmed, Flash and Shining took a step back, eyeing the sack warily.

The two ponies smiles widened and they nodded at each other. “Yes, like my fellow gardener here says, it is very dangerous. So dangerous, in fact, that it took the two of us all morning and most of the afternoon to uproot this plant and throw it into this sack and clear up the smell from the garden.”

“Right it did, Lad. God’s know if we’ll ever get our sense of smell back after today.”

Snorting irritably, Shining took a step forward. “That’s the biggest load of horseapples I’ve ever heard in my life,” he snapped, pointing a spear on their direction. “And I’ve heard a ton of stories in my time as a guard!”

The two stallion’s smiles vanished, the two once again exchanging looks before one of them said, “I’m sorry sir, I don’t follow you.”

Taking a calming breath to keep himself from just walking over and smacking the sack of the two’s backs, Shining said, “You’re telling me that the two of you are carrying out some weird plant—“

“The rumble weed,” one of them corrected, before that stallion was tapped on shoulder by the other one.

“Actually, it’s the giant rumble plant; we don’t want the two to get confused now do we?”
The other stallion nodded his thanks. “Oh right, the giant rumble plant. Excuse me for not pointing it out earlier I—“

Fed up, Shining smacked the blunt end of his spear against the ground. “Will you two just let me look into the bag to see what you’re actually lugging around?” He demanded.

Quick as a whip, the stallions shook their heads. “Sorry, no can do, sir. It’s too dangerous to let this plant out on the open.”

“As soon as sunlight hits it it’ll start going crazy, and I’m sure you don’t want to explain to the princess why you didn’t let us do our jobs and why her whole castle reeks to high heaven.”

“…Maybe we should just let them go, Shining,” Flash said as Shining glared at the two. “I don’t know about you but I don’t want to deal with some crazy smelly plant.”

Shining looked over his shoulder at the Pegasus, disbelief etched on his face. “You actually believe these guys?!”

The private shrugged. “They don’t look like bad guys,” he reasoned. “And whatever’s in there is too big for a pony, so they’re not foulnapping anypony. And we’d hear clinking if they stole anything valuable.”

One of the mystery stallions, looking hurt, brought a hoof up to his heart. “My fellow and I are only hardworking stallion’s trying to earn a living wage, sir. Is there anything wrong with that?”

Scrunching his face up in irritation, Shining turned again from the stallions. “You know what? Fine.” He waved a hoof dismissively. “Get out of here.”

Grumbling to himself, Shining grabbed Flash and started to drag him down the hall as the two stallions, who had quickly hoof bumped each other when the two guards weren’t looking, trotting down the hallway with their cargo in tow.

“Hey, Shining, we still have a few hours until our shifts are over,” Flash said, pointing at the spots where the two had once stood. “Where the hay are we going?”

“We’re going to go see the captain,” Shining growled. “Or maybe we could go to the servants quarters… I need to see if this is a load of horseapples—which it probably bucking is—but I think whatever’s going on might be a little over our heads to try and figure out ourselves.”

“And why’s that, Shining?”

Shining stopped in the middle of the hallway and turned to look at the two mystery stallion’s, both whom were almost jogging through the hall.

“Gardeners don’t talk like that, and I know for a fact that they don’t have cloaks like that.”

Shining resisted the urge to groan. “We might be dealing with one of the clan’s here, Flash…”

“So we’re going to go get the captain?”

“Yep.”

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_

Luna moved through her room like a machine, moving things this way and that, all the while humming a merry tune to herself.

After weeks of waiting, and preparing herself, and dealing with her sister and that pizza colt, Twilight had finally sent her some goo—nay, great news. After extensive research and a few tests that had probably worked, (she didn’t dare risk even attempting to send a live subject through…wherever she was sending them so she didn’t really have any idea where she was sending them) Twilight reported that she thought she had figured out long distance teleportation.

She needed to run a lot more tests, and all of the spells and runes and charms she had made for the mother of all spells were still tricky at best and downright dangerous at worst, but she had the bare-bones beginnings of a spell. And, if she had a few more months to try to work out the kinks and if the magic gods were smiling down on her, there was a good chance that she’d have a relatively safe spell to show her.

Too bad Luna wasn’t ready to wait months.

The second that she saw Twilight’s notes on the spell, all ten thousand pages of them, Luna had decided to see what she could do to improve on the magical model to get it up and running as soon as possible. She was a smart mare who also happened to have a heck of a lot of smart magic users within calling distance that would help her if she asked; if she spent a couple of all-nighters on this thing, she was sure that she’d be in the Crystal Empire by the weekend.

Sure, she could have done the easy thing and just have taken a train up to the frozen north, but where was the fun in that? Sometimes, one needed to challenge themselves to get what they wanted while also keeping life interesting.

After days of slaving over books and scrolls, getting advice from some of the best minds in Canterlot (including her sister), and after almost blowing up half of the castle, it looked like she had finally perfected (or at least made it good enough not to kill her if she used it) the spell. And now, with her brand-spanking new spell in her hooves, Luna decided to go and see if she could pay Ares and Cadence a little visit.

“I’m sure that they will enjoy these chocolates,” Luna muttered to herself while she eyed the small box that she held on her hooves. “Sister said that they are exquisite, and she is somewhat of an expert in the ways of sweets…”

All around the princess of the night, rugs,chairs, and table were floating around in the air, caught up in her magic, along with chalk, herbs, and other magical items, which the alicorn was using to draw the mother of all rune-circles.

Seventeen lines deep and inscribed with over fifty different languages (most of which were long dead) this would have been impossible for all but the most experienced and magically gifted ponies to tackle, but luckily for Luna she wasn’t an average pony so it was finished in about ten minutes.

Still humming to herself, Luna slowly walked around the rune-circle, carefully looking out for any smudges or imperfections. One wrong rune and she’d be sent to some hell-spawns pocket dimension or worse, so she took her time until she was confident that everything was in working order.

“Maybe we should have gotten something more than just the candy,” Luna muttered as she stepped into the circle, looking over at her mirror on the far side of the room to see if she looked presentable. “Maybe we should go and acquire some flowers for Cadence, or maybe some meat for Ares…”

Luna couldn’t help but fidget in place and wonder if it wouldn’t be better just to leave this off for another day so she could get ready-ready to meet Ares and Cadence.

Nay, the circle is drawn up and sister is in Ponyville so she cannot bother us, Luna thought, slipping the chocolate into a saddlebag and slipping that on. And We are free for the next few days, so this is the perfect time!

Letting out a shaky breath, Luna closed her eyes and let her power flow through her and into the various runes covering her floor. For a moment, nothing happened, but slowly but surely a faint buzzing sound could be heard in the room if one listened hard enough, and there was just a hint of a glow coming from the runes.

Minutes passed as Luna patiently pumped her magic into the runes. The buzzing had gotten noticeably louder, and even she could see purple glowing through her eyelids, which made her grin in excitement and relief.

“Crystal Empire here we come,” Luna muttered, channeling just a bit more of her magic into the runes with a grunt.

With a thunderous bang and a blinding light that one could see for miles around, Luna was gone, leaving nothing but a the smell of slightly burned fur and, of all things, pineapples.

()()~~()()

Being knocked upside the head, hogtied, and thrown into a big ass sack by a bunch of little horses, wasn’t something that Ares had expected to happen to him when he woke up this morning, but then again he had sex with his fillyfriend because of a magical flower so something like this happening wasn’t out of the realm of believability. And, to be honest, he really wasn’t as worried as he should have been about the whole kidnapping thing.

Sure, he was a little annoyed, angry even, but he really didn’t feel threatened for his life. He had just gotten caught up in some pony nonsense that was probably going to end up being nothing.

But if it did end up as something serious… well, he hoped that Cadence would find his ass before anything bad happened.

This is a bunch of fucking bullshit, he thought, trying to wiggle out of his captives grasp or at the very least loosen his bindings. I have work in the morning dammit! Couldn’t this have happened on a weekend?!

He tried to wiggle some more but his kidnappers firmly, but gently, held him in place as they carried him to wherever they were carrying him, going this way and that, up and down, left and right. He had tried to count the steps and turns to try to figure out where the hell they were taking him but he gave up after realizing that he didn’t know the castle, let alone the city itself, nearly well enough to even guess where he was being carried to.

And, after realizing that these ponies were taking him to a place he didn’t know for reasons he didn’t understand, he started to get a little more nervous about this situation as a while, though he still managed to keep a cool head about everything… kind of.

On and on and on the little criminal ponies carried him until, after what felt like forever, he was throw into a sitting position onto something solid and hard, making him grunt in surprise. Once again he tried to wiggle but was yet again held down by a pair of hooves.

Straining his hearing, he managed to hear a muffled conversation going on around him by more than one pony, which made him even more nervous about his current situation.

This better not be one of those rape cult things! I swear to god if any of these fucking ponies try taking my pants off—

Ares froze when he felt something cold, hard, sharp, and pointy along his back, whatever it was carefully cutting open the sack and freeing him from the ropes that had been tied around his arms and legs, which left only the little sack that had been put over his head.

“Will somepony get that bag off the poor dear’s head? And Skully? Will you please put away that knife? You’re bound to give him a heart attack.”

Ares heard an irritated grunt come from behind him as the sack covering his head was torn off. Light flooded his senses, forcing him to close his eyes and grit his teeth in pain while he covered his face with his hands. Yeah THAT’S fucking helping my headache… I bet you money I have a concussion!

“Oh my, are you alright dearie?”

...Well, it looks like I’m not going to get raped… probably…

“The Light’s a bit bright,” Ares said, keeping his eyes closed. “You mind turning it down a bit?”

Someone snorted from behind him. “Do you want us to get you a bib too, colt?”

“Skully, you be nice!” There was the clapping of hooves and the lights were turned down significantly, letting Ares open his eyes and finally look around to see where he had been taken.

Other than a light or two hanging near him, the room was pitch black, cloaking what Ares assumed were ponies in darkness. Though he couldn’t make out their faces, he could see their outlines, so he could tell that they were looking at him… and he didn’t particularly care for that.

The darkness, along with the silence that choked the room, almost made Ares shrink slightly in his chair.

“Um… hello,” he said weakly. “How are you all… doing?”

“Huh; a polite one isn’t he?” One of the shadows said, sounding amused.

Another one leaned into the light, almost as if they were trying to get a better look at him. “Aye and a funny lookin’ one too,” the shadow, whose voice was like rough sandpaper, said before leaning back into their chair. “Wonder what the princess sees in ‘em.”

Someone chuckled behind him. “From what Higher told us I think we all know that answer. Isn’t that right lad?”

Looking over his shoulder, Ares frowned when he saw a familiar-looking elderly pony smiling back him. “Hey, you’re that pony that beat the shit out of me and Flash!”

The stallion chuckled, nodding. “And you’re the one that ruined by armor,” he said, trotting around until he was standing before the human. “But we’re not here about that, are we human?”

Confused, Ares just looked at the pony. “Hey you kidnapped me, I have no idea why the hell I’m here!”

Getting slightly upset, Ares leaned forward until his and the stallion’s noses were almost touching . “Speaking of: why the hell did you fucking kidnap me and why are you the only one that’s not hiding in the dark like little batman horses?”

The Skulltaker, a frown on his face, took a step forward, mashing his nose against Ares’s. “Because, colt, I’m the only one not afraid of the princesses wrath!” He looked over at the other clan head. “Bunch of cowards if you ask me…”

“Don’t you be trying to stain my honor, you old bag of bones!” One of the shadows’ snarled. “I told ya that my backs been actin’ up and I feel more comfortable sitting ‘an standing!”

Skulltaker scoffed. “The stallion that can barely stand calls me a bag of bones.”

“Excuse me, gentlecolts,” another one of the voices, a mare by the sound of it said, “unlike the two of you I actually have a lot of work to do when I get back to my workshop. So how about you both can it so Higher can talk to Mr. Ares?”

Grumbling to himself, Skulltaker nodded, walking toward the other ponies and disappearing into the darkness, all the while Ares just watched incredulously. Kidnappings were supposed to be terrifying and dangerous, not whatever… this was!

“Alright… so what do you guys want to talk about?” Ares asked, wiggling around in his seat to get a little more comfortable.

There was some sounds of something moving around and more than a few quiet grunts before Mrs. Higher, the nice mare that had gotten Ares his job and who had almost seemed like everyone’s awesome grandma, trotted out into the light with a big smile on her face. If she hadn’t kidnapped him, he might have gotten up and given the pudgy mare a hug and a thank you for getting him his awesome job, but she did so staying in his seat he was.

“Hello Ares,” Higher said with a cheery tone and a kind smile.

“…Hello Mrs. Higher,” Ares answered neutrally, warily watching as the mare sat in front of him. “How are you doing?”

The mare’s smile widened. “Oh, I was talking to my niece a few hours ago about you. She said that you were the perfect worker … until a certain incident.”

“Is she alright?” Ares asked, concern etched on his face. “I never got a chance to thank her and say sorry about what happened.”

Higher waved him off. “Oh don’t worry about my little Tulip, she’s quite alright, though she was terrified that she had in some off-hoofed way helped you poison our dear princess with a love flower.”

Ares flinched as if struck as another one of the ponies chipped in. “Which is why we dragged you out of the castle to have this little chat, Mr. Ares.”

Higher nodded in agreement. “I know you feel horrible about what happened, Honey, but all of us here care as deeply about the princess as you do.”

“We each owe her our lives,” Skulltaker added with a growl. “She saved us from the tyrant king and freed us from our chains.”

Higher nodded again. “Exactly, Dearie, and tonight had made us realize that you might make protecting her a little bit more… difficult.”

Ares bristled. “What do you mean?” He demanded. “I’d never hurt—“

“No one here ever said that you’d hurt the princess, Ares,” Higher said, gently cutting him off. “But if you’re not careful you might hurt her more than almost anyone could.”

“This kingdom is still weak,” Skulltaker grumbled. “We need our ruler strong and focused and ready for the future if we are to regain our past glory.”

He old stallion grunted. “From what Higher says, the princess cares for you, which is all well and good, but how will she keep a level head if something happens to you, colt? Or better yet if you go and poison her again like some stupid sod.”

“When the princess was married to Shining Armor we didn’t have that much to worry about,” the gravelly voice said. “He was a stallion of noble blood and had training in arms, armor, and magic. You, Mr. Ares, have none of those things, and that might make you a target for some outside power trying to get to the princess.”

Deep in thought, Ares leaned back into his chair, his grip tightening and loosening in the chair’s arms every few seconds or so.

“You know… I never really thought about it like that,” he muttered, sounding thoughtful. “But what the hell are you guys going to do about it—err, me?

Higher smiled, producing something from… somewhere and walking over and placing it into one of his hands. “Oh, don’t take what these fuddy-duddies have to say to heart, Dear. The lands around this kingdom have been at peace for as long as anyone remembers.”

Skulltaker snorted again. “If you listen to what those Equestrian princesses say,” he muttered, sounding oddly disappointed.

Higher continued like she hadn’t heard him. “We’re not asking that you drastically change your life, or join the guard, or anything silly like that. I, and everypony here, want you to just keep doing what you’re doing; go work with my niece, go play with that Pegasus colt, go and love the princess and have her love you back. We just brought you here to say that we’re watching you and the princess just as the guards at the castle are.”

She took Ares’s hands and gave them a squeeze. “Just… try not to do anything silly like you did today, please; and try not to give my niece any more heart attacks will you?”

Despite being brought here against his will, being hog-tied and thrown into a sack, and forgetting that fact that he was still pretty hungry, Ares smiled as the mare took a step back.

These ponies, in their own Mafioso way, cared enough about Cadence that they had been willing to steal his ass right out of the castle to chew him out for being a fuck-up. Though he would have appreciated it a hell of a lot more if they would have just sent him a strongly worded letter, or had asked him out to lunch—you know, like normal, well-adjusted people do—he was kind of happy that they only wanted what was best for their country and their princess.

He may have also been happy that they weren’t going to throw his ass into some river with cement shoes but that hardly mattered.

“I’ll make sure to do that,” he said, rising to his feet with a chuckle. “Now is it alright if you guys take me back hom—“

No one would know what else Ares’s would have said on that day because, Luna, the Princess of the Night, di-arch of Equestria, made her grand entrance right behind him. And by grand entrance I mean one hell of a big boom.