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Dan and Pinkie Take a Slice out of Life

by Justice3442

Chapter 7: Part 2 Pinkie Vs. Hospital: Chapter 7 Pinkie Vs. Blood Loss

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Dan and Pinkie Take a Slice out of Life

Part 2 Pinkie Vs. Hospital

Chapter 7 Pinkie Vs. Blood Loss

-ooooooo-

“Maybe it’s not as bad as it looks,” Dan said as blood began to seep out from the sharp point sticking out of Pinkie’s hand.

“DAN!” Pinkie exclaimed as she held her right hand closer for Dan to see. “There’s a freakin’ Avacathingy stuck to my hand because there’s a knife going through the big ball thingy through the front of my hand and—”

Dan narrowed his eyes. “Palm.”

What?!

“The front of your hand is called the ‘palm’. Geez, it’s like you’ve only hand hands for a few weeks.”

“I have only had hands for a few weeks!”

Dan shook his head and motioned to Pinkie’s ‘avocado’ hand. “And it shows! You don’t even know how to take care of them! Sticking fruit to them through impaling them is hands one-o-one. ”

“I DIDN’T MEAN TO STAB MY HAND, DAN! CAN WE FOCUS?!”

“Alright! Stop yelling! What’s the big deal!?”

Pinkie’s head twitched involuntarily as ‘irritated’ and ‘frustrated’ joined ‘anguished’ and ‘panicked’ on the massive expression party that was taking place on her face. She removed her right hand from her wrist to point towards the steak knife still stabbed clean through the half an avocado, its pit, and her hand.

“Oh right, that…” Dan said. He stared at Pinkie’s hand thoughtfully for a second. “Have you tried walking it off?”

Pinkie’s left eye twitched. “Until the knife falls out or my hand falls off?!”

Dan scrunched his lips up “Hmmm… Alright fine, I’ll pull the stupid knife out.”

Pinkie’s eyes widened. “And that’s… safe?”

“You’ll be fine…” Dan pulled his lips and eyes to the left side of his face “… probably.”

Pinkie puffed out her lower lip. “Won’t I start bleeding more if we pull out the knife?”

Dan knit his brow. “Yes but… I’m surprised you knew that.”

“Well d’uuuuuhhh! I work in a kitchen! I know about knife safety!” Pinkie looked down at the knife stabbed through her hand. “Er… When it comes to hooves,” she added meekly.

“Look, I’ll pull out the knife, you’ll hopefully not scream loud enough to wake the mass grave of my former roommates out back, and—”

The color drained from Pinkie’s face. “What, what, WHAT?!”

Dan smiled wickedly. “Nothing! Let’s just get that knife out! You’ll have an easier time digging with both hands.”

Pinkie’s eyes opened wide and she inhaled as much air into her lungs as they would take.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

-Several minutes later-

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH—!”

Dan had his eyes shut tight as he pressed his hands hard against the side of his head. “FOR THE LAST TIME, I WAS JOKING!

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHReally?AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!”

“YES!”

“AAAAAAAAHHHH Then what happened to all your other roommates? AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!”

“I’VE NEVER HAD A ROOMMATE BEFORE!”

“AAAAAAAAHHHH— Wait, really?!” Pinkie said as her face lit up. “I’m your firstie?!”

Dan removed his hands from his ears and narrowed his eyes. “Yes, and ‘lastie’ too, hopefully. I’ve learned having a roommate is like having the measles, once is enough.”

Pinkie began to bounce up and down excitedly. “Oh my gosh! Ohmygosh, Dan! I had no idea I was your firstie!”

“Stop saying that!”

“We need to do sooo many first time roommate things together!”

“We really don’t.”

Pinkie began counting off on her ‘avocado hand’ which was now smeared red as small trickles of blood dropped to the dingy carpet below. “Like a firsties party—

“We already—”

“—and a firsties ice Cream Sunday!”

Dan narrowed his eyes. “You know I’m—”

“—and a firsties shopping trip—”

“Done that too!”

“and firsties manicure—”

Dan looked at his hands. “Well, my nails have been neglected for a—”

“And a—Owch!” Pinkie winced as she extended her thumb and looked down, suddenly remembering there was a knife keeping a large piece of fruit stuck to it. “… firsties trip to the hospital!”

“What!?” Dan cried. “No! Hospitals are for the elderly, the dying (which is sort of the same when you think about it), and pregnant ladies.” Dan frowned heavily. “Wait, you aren’t pregnant, are you?”

Pinkie gave Dan a confused look then looked down at her own stomach, patting it a couple times before looking back up at Dan. “Do I look like I’m carrying a tiny Pinkie Pie around?!”

“Well I don’t know where your weird, magic pony babies come from!”

“Dan! I’m human now!”

“Oh…” Dan said as he looked Pinkie up and down. “Uh… right…” he said as he stared at Pinkie sheepishly.

Pinkie shot Dan a quizzical expression. “What?”

“Nothing!” Dan insisted. “It’s just… You don’t think you’re pregnant now, do you?”

Pinkie cocked an eyebrow. “Dan, do you even know where babies come from?”

“Of course I do!” Dan said indignantly. “They’re created in a baby farm where robots feed them the liquid remains of the dead, just like nature intended!”

“Dan! That’s horrible!” Pinkie said. “Also probably not true because I’ve seen at least a few pregnant ladies while I’ve been here.”

Dan hummed thoughtfully. “Hmmm… are you sure, they weren’t just… really, really fat, ladies or even Chris in a dress? I mean… that’s a pretty easy mistake to make.”

“Where did you even hear that baby farm thing from?!”

Uh… A documentary… about… the future… shut up!

“Don’t tell me your parents never told you where you came from!”

“Well, I was conceived after my parents celebrated one of the most important moments of their lives!”

“Their marriage?”

“No, Hulk Hogan defeated the Iron Sheik and became the World Wrestling Federation champion… Why would anyone celebrate their marriage?”

Pinkie sighed heavily. “Alright… Just sit tight while Pinkie Pie explains the birds and the bees…”

-Several minutes later… Again-

“… and that’s why I’m not allowed to hug storks! Any questions? Comments?”

Dan stared at Pinkie, his face seemingly locked into an irritated scowl. “At no point did you actually talk about babies! It was all cabbage patches, how to bake buns, and wildlife nonsense!”

Pinkie nodded. “Right, right, that’s a good note…” She frowned. “Wait… What was I supposed to be talking about again?” She raised her right hand up to her head. “I’m feeling kind of light-headed because…” Pinkie’s eye widened as she raised her left hand in front of her. “Right, right… still losing blood… because of being stabbed… So… Hospi—”

“NO!” Dan cried. “We’re not starting that up again! Look, I’ll just pull out the knife, we’ll wrap some duct tape over the hole in your hand, you can have some juice and a cookie, and you’ll be fine!”

Pinkie thought for this for a moment. “Well… I do like cookies and juice…” She frowned slightly as her forehead wrinkled. “But where’d you hear about wrapping duct tape around holes and people’s hands.”

“… It was in a documentary…”

“… Was it a documentary about the future?”

“No, Aztech vampires. Now shut up and give me your hand.”

Pinkie giggled. “How can I do that? I’m rather attached to it.”

Dan narrowed his eyes. “You won’t be when it becomes gangrenous and falls off!”

Eep!” Pinkie said jumping slightly. She brought her right arm up to her eyes and covered them as she held up her left hand.

Dan slowly moved his hand closer up to the knife. “One… two…”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

“PINKIE!”

“AAAAAAAAAAAA— What? AAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

“I HAVEN’T EVEN TOUCHED THE KNIFE YET!”

“AAAAAAAAAAAA… Oh?” Pinkie lifted her arm and smiled sheepishly. “Haha! Oops! Boy, is my face red!” She frowned. “Also my hand… because of blood lo—”

Dan quickly reached out and grabbed the knife, yanking with all his might.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!Pinkie screeched as Dan only succeeded in yanking the knife, avocado, and hand upwards.

“Owwww!” Dan cried as he closed his eyes tightly and cringed, bringing is hands up to his ears. “Can’t you just whimper quietly or suffer in silence or unconsciousness like Chris usually does?”

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE – This stuff happens to Chris?! – EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

“STOP THAT!” Dan commanded.

Pinkie clamped her mouth shut.

Dan rolled his eyes and sighed. “Yeah, monkey-face can’t seem to go a week or two with going to the”— Dan pulled a face as if he had just tasted something rotten— “hospital. Stupid hypochondriac!Dan bobbed his head from side to as he looked upward. He began to speak in a mocking, but higher pitched tone “Dan! I think I broke my arm when we fell down that cliff and you landed on it! Dan! I think that totem pole that fell on my stomach gave me internal injuries! Dan! I think my heart just stopped from eating all that deep fried bacon!”

“Wait…” Pinkie uttered. “Hyper-conch-tree-ack?”

Dan sighed. “It means a person who just thinks something is wrong with them when really they’re fine and hardly bleeding out their mouth at all!”

“Oh…” Pinkie said. She looked at her hand. “Well, I’m not bleeding out of my mouth, but I’ve certainly lost a lot of blood from my hand!”

Dan looked at Pinkie’s blood smeared hand thoughtfully. “Alright… Next plan…” He went over to a drawer and after some light rustling of silverware, he pulled out a steak knife identical to the on Pinkie had in her hand.

Pinkie gulped. “You stab yourself in the hand and we become knife-hand buddies?”

“No you idiot! I use this knife to get out that knife! Just cut it out! You know, fight fire with fire!”

Pinkie let out a small, distressed squeak. “I don’t like this plan.”

“Well, you’re going to hate plan ‘c’ then, because it involves fire.”

The distress on Pinkie’s face only worsened as she clamped her right fingers over her wrist and brought her left hand closer to her.

‘Knock! Knock! Knock!’

The two turned as they heard a light, rhythmic rap on the door.

Dan sighed. “Oh, what now?”

“Dan? Pinkie?” An older-sounding male voice called out as a few more knocks on the door were added. “Are you two alright?”

“Ghah!” Dan cried. “Your stupid screaming finally caught the attention of the stupid landlord!”

Pinkie breathed a sigh of relief. “Oh right! Mr. Gafldan said he’d be by tomorrow to go over the paperwork since I’m not living in the apartment next door anymore!”

“What!?” Dan cried. “You invited the landlord over and didn’t tell me!”

“You were in the middle of ‘When Capybaras attack!’” Pinkie cried. “I couldn’t get your attention so I wrote a note and stuck it on the fridge!” Pinkie quickly motioned out to Dan’s fridge, pointing to scrap of notebook paper held up with pink heart magnets that was summarily splattered with blood as she flicked her hand out towards it.

Dan narrowed his eyes as the fresh globs of blood ran down the length of the paper and onto the fridge.

“Alright, in my defense it was only recently covered in blood!”

“Blood I can handle,” Dan said as he squinted at the sparkly pink scrawl on the paper. “It’s your frou-frou illegible pink glitter writing that’s the problem!”

‘Knock! Knock!’

“Dan! Pinkie! I have the paperwork we talked about.”

“I’ll get it~!” Pinkie sang out as she practically skipped to the door.

Dan cocked an eyebrow. “Don’t you want to deal with the knife stuck through your hand, first?”

“Noper!” Pinkie said. “Mr. Gafldan is our very special landlord and I’m sure he’s brought over super important paperwork for us to sign!” Pinkie said opening the door.

Blinding daylight flooded the apartment as an older gentlemen with a long silvery-white beard and long hair stood in the doorway. As Pinkie and Dan’s eyes adjusted to the light, they could see their guest wore a long white bathrobe and held a long, white walking stick tipped with a smooth diamond-like shape with intricate carvings where the center had been hollowed out. He regarded his tenants with kind, but piercing blue eyes. “Ah, Pinkie!” he said jovially as he produced a number of stabled together forms with his free hand. “I have the paperwork we discussed. Nothing important but it’ll make your leaving of the apartment next door and moving here official.”

“Hello, Mr. Gafldan!” Pinkie greeted.

Dan merely grumbled and avoided eye contact.

Mr. Gafldan’s scanned the dingy apartment, his eyes barely lingering on the flesh splatters of blood, but hesitating a moment or two on the mass of furniture arranged into a fort in the living room area. “I love what you two have done with the place,” he said without even a hint of sarcasm. “The apartment has a nice ‘open’ feeling to it.” His eyes drifted downwards to Pinkie’s bleeding hand and he gave her a concerned look. “That looks quite the injury. Are you sure you’re alright, my dear?”

“What? This?” Pinkie asked as she held up her blood soaked hand. “It’s fine! It doesn’t need to be cut with a second knife or set on fire at all!”

Mr. Gafldan chuckled and shook his head. “You young people with your avocados. Why, back in my day it was bagels everyone was slicing their hands up with!”

Pinkie winced and giggled nervously.

Dan cocked an eyebrow. “When was this?” Dan asked snidely. “Had Pearl Harbor been bombed yet, or had you even gotten to see the Hindenburg light-show at that point?”

Haha, oh my, no!” Mr. Gafldan answered cheerfully. “People would often cut themselves while waiting for this fancy new invention known as ‘trains’ to show up.”

“Haha…” Pinkie said with a distant look on her face as she swayed slightly from side to side. “Trains are noisy!” Pinkie raised her left hand as blood dripped down her arm. She pumped it a couple times, miming pulling a whistle pull cord. “Hehehe… Choo-choo chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga Choo!

Dan flashed Pinkie a sideways look then turned back to Mr. Gafldan, narrowing his eyes slightly. It was exceedingly difficult to get under Mr. Gafldan’s skin and he could never quite tell if the old man was joking or not. “Not that I mind you minding your own business, but why are you only now coming here?!” Dan cried. “Didn’t you hear Pinkie screaming her head off for several minutes straight?”

“Yes, well… It did sound a bit lively in there, but it often does when you’re involved, Dan,” Mr. Gafldan said with a chuckle. “But I have to give at least 24 hours’ notice before entering a residence’s apartment! Rules are rules. Speaking of which…” Mr. Gafldan brought his papers up to his face, flipped a few, and then held it up to Pinkie. “I need your signature here, my dear.”

Pinkie woozily tapped her right index finger against some of the blood leaking down her arm then brought over the bloodied finger to smear her signature across the bottom of the paper. Finished, she tried her best to dot the ‘i’s with large, red hearts.

Hahaha, oh my! How Faustian of you!” Mr. Gafldan said. He turned to Dan. “I need your signature too, Mr. Mandel.”

Dan grumbled again and swiped his finger over Pinkie’s left arm and stabbed at the paperwork, adding his own signature in Pinkie’s blood to the document. “Are we done!?” Dan said, lacing his whining words with irritation. “Because that took forever.”

Hrmmmm…” Mr. Gafldan hummed. “Only two minutes by my count.”

“Oh, whatever!” Dan cried. He motioned to Pinkie’s arm, “If you’ll excuse us we have a knife to dislodge or burn off!”

“Daaaaaan!” Pinkie said as her swaying from side to side increased. “I keeeeep telllling youuuu… I’m fiiii…” Pinkie trailed off as her eyes rolled back into her head and one of her sways took her a bit closer to the ground than the ones before.

‘Thud!’

… Or ‘all the way to the ground’ in this case.

Mr. Gafldan leaned over, looking down with concern at Pinkie. He gave her a few gentle prods with his walking stick causing Pinkie to moan in response.

Mr. Gafldan turned towards Dan. “I think you better get her to the hospital.”

Dan narrowed his eyes at the older gentleman. “Don’t tell me how to live my life!”

“It’s her life I’m worried about!” Mr. Gafldan replied as his light, jovial tone suddenly turned stern.

Grrrrr… Okay, fine! I’ll take Pinkie to the stupid hospital! Geez! You’d think this is a life or death situation or something…” Dan said in an exasperated tone as he stomped off through the apartment and into the bedroom. “But I’m not leaving a tip!” Dan said as the sound of keys jingling could be heard.

“I… I beg your pardon?” Mr. Gafldan said.

Dan walked back into the kitchen area, keys in hand. He grabbed a drawer handle and pulled it open with a huff , pulling out a roll of duct tape. “The doctors! On the off chance we get a real one, they already make enough money without us having to shell out more! I don’t care how great their service is!” Dan scrunched his lips slightly and pulled his brow forward as if considering something. “Wait… Do you think if we pay extra, they’ll give Pinkie a cool robot hand? Maybe one she can’t accidently stab?”

Mr. Gafldan looked down at Pinkie as a small pool of blood began to form around her hand. “Maybe you should get her to the hospital first and muse on turning your roommate into a strange robot like creature later!”

“Cyborg!” Dan snapped as he leaned down and grabbed Pinkie’s arms, hefting her up as he crossed her arms around her, still carrying his keys in one hand in the duct tape in the other. “A human with robot parts is a cyborg!” Dan insisted as he dragged Pinkie’s limp body out of the apartment. “Why are you so old!?

Mr. Gafldan merely chuckled as Dan dragged Pinkie outside. “What a charming gentleman.”

Next Chapter: Part 2 Pinkie Vs. Hospital: Chapter 8 Pinkie Vs. Waiting Room Estimated time remaining: 60 Minutes
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