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Dan and Pinkie Take a Slice out of Life

by Justice3442

Chapter 5: Part 2 Pinkie Vs. Hospital: Chapter 5 Dan Vs. The Produce Section

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Dan and Pinkie Take a Slice out of Life

Part 2 Pinkie Vs. Hospital

Chapter 5 Dan Vs. The Produce Section

-ooooooo-

The produce section. A colorful assortment of fruits and vegetables one could usually expect to find at any grocery store. The produce section at Dan’s local store was not particularly noteworthy. It contained the usual suspects of plants or plant parts as well as an assortment of fungi that were all supposedly edible.

Dan’s local produce section was so ordinary in fact, that the only thing out of the ordinary about it was the fact that he was occupying it at the moment. Just one more unexpected twist in life that shot searing pain through his body courtesy of the knife that now seemed to be permanently lodged in him… metaphorically speaking that is.

Currently leaning over Dan as he peered around the corner of a display holding pears was the knife… The metaphorical knife, who was in fact a very real girl, or rather a very real sapient, talking pony who was now a girl. This was all thanks to some crazy dimensional shenanigans which Dan considered unimportant compared to the fact that this hapless and helpless pony-person now seemed to be his permanent problem. Being his problem seemed to be her new primary purpose in both their lives.

Case in point, she had the audacity to request, nay, demand fruits and vegetables. As if this insult upon his home’s bounty of nearly expired turkey meat, generic white bread, mayonnaise, soda, and lactose free milk was not enough, she had threatened his very life if he didn’t escort her to the grocery store personally.

>-ooo-<

Dan relaxed in his incredibly massive and luxurious fort created from only the finest furniture and pillows money could buy. He adjusted his monocle and top hat with one hand and stroked his perfectly clean-looking gray feline who was curled up on his lap. The T.V. in front of him cast a colorful soft glow over his fine suit and the walls made up of fine linens and extravagant pillows. He smiled to himself as he watched this afternoon’s fine offering of ‘When Goats go Ballistic’. An activity he would have gladly spent most the day doing if it weren’t for the rude interruption he was about to have.

“Dan! I’m hungry!”

Dan winced as the whining voice of his roommate rang out from the ornate entrance that was the underside of a foosball table.

“Why, my dear Pinkie Pie,” Dan called back, “certainly there is an abundance of food in the apartment that you can sustain yourself on.”

Pinkie Pie suddenly appeared in the entrance to the fort and crawled inside. Filling Dan’s eyes with the searing color of pink from her hair and his nostrils with the offensive floral scent of whatever strange substance the girl rubbed all over her body during her daily ritual of wasting water. Dan observed that her red floral shirt was inside out and the button to her jean shorts was left undone exposing just the tiniest bit of her frilly pink undergarments.

Dan considered this a massive improvement in Pinkie’s displayed ability to dress herself.

“Dan! I can’t just eat mayonnaise sandwiches every day!” Pinkie cried in that borderline hysterical way she used to carry on all conversations. “I’m picky and fussy! Also just more than a little bit insane!”

Dan cleared his throat. “Need I remind you that there is also ample turkey meat, aged to perfection, already pre-sliced for optimal sandwich creation?”

“No, Dan! Remember, I’m a pony from another dimension and don’t eat meat, and continue to refuse to do so because I’m completely beyond reason! Also stupid! I rudely refuse to eat your delicacy of pre-sliced turkey meat, despite your boundless generosity in allowing me access to a slice.”

Dan frowned. “Then I am afraid we are at an impasse! I have stocked my dwelling with more than enough foodstuff to provide a full meal, and yet you insist my pantries are inadequate to satiate your hunger.”

“Dan, I need fruits and vegetables or else I’ll die this very night! I believe this completely because I’m crazy, and also a woman.”

“But my dear, sweet Pinkie Pie,” Dan began in a concerned tone, “those substances are as senseless as they are tasteless! And those that do have taste are unpleasant to the senses! I beg you reconsider…”

“Dan! If you don’t take me to the store right now I will flood this apartment with my tears as I make a sound that will make your brains drain out of your ears. It will also cause dogs and Mr. Mumbles to howl in pain!”

From his lap, Mr. Mumbles looked up and mewed a concerned “meow”.

Dan let out a heavy sigh, knowing he would have to resign himself to the tortures of this insatiable woman for another afternoon.

<-ooo->

Yes. Dan was sure that’s how it went.

Shut up, you weren’t there!

“…I think you should touch one …”

Dan glared up through the mass of pink curls to the girl whose face hovered just above him as she also peered around the pear display. Both Dan and Pinkie were currently attempting to hide and keep what they assumed was a safe distance from some strange black and green oval shaped objects labeled ‘Avocados’.

“I’m not touching one…” Dan replied. “You touch one!”

“… But… they’re weird looking!” Pinkie whined.

“Oh, you’re one to talk!” Dan snapped.

Pinkie puffed out her lower lip as her eyes went wide. “I’m… I’m weird looking?”

“You have pink hair!” Dan cried. “PINK! And somehow that’s your natural hair color! Yes, that’s weird!”

Pinkie’s lower lip began to quiver as she reached for some of her flowing curly pink locks and stroked them. “Curly can’t help how she looks!”

Dan cocked an eyebrow. “You named and assigned gender to your hair…?”

Pinkie opened her mouth to reply.

“No wait!” Dan said. “I’m sure you have a story, or a song, or something that’s going to make me want to clean my ears with a power drill and I don’t want to hear it! Let’s just agree that you look weird,”—Dan pointed at Pinkie— “those look weird,”—Dan pointed back at the avocados—“and that you need to go up and touch one!”

“I still don’t get what the big dealy is!”

“They’re green and black!” Dan exclaimed. “Only evil things come in green and black! Don’t you watch movies?!”

Pinkie furrowed her brow slightly. “Dan, you know I’ve only been here for a little while! I’ve only seen what you’ve shown me!” Pinkie shuddered slightly. “And most of that is pretty scary.”

“Oh… right…” Dan rubbed his chin. “Alright, after this is over, I’ll show you movies that will tell you all you need to know about strange, oval shaped green and black objects, and why you should never approach them.”

“Yay! Movie night!” Pinkie cheered happily. She suddenly gave Dan a concerned look. “Wait they won’t be scary, will—”

“If you live, of course,” Dan added with a smirk.

Pinkie frowned. “If…?” she said in a worried tone.

Dan nodded. “You still need to go up there and touch one… I’m not going to lie, chances are they’ll hatch and you’ll be attacked by one or more parasitic organisms.”

Pinkie gulped. “Para… parasol-tick… organ… organ-schisms…?” Pinkie wrinkled her brow slightly. “Wait! You just said never to—”

“HEY! I’m still talking here! Can’t a guy impart some vital educational knowledge without being interrupted!?”

Pinkie gave Dan an apologetic look. “Sorry, Dan… Please, tell me more about these para…uh…whatevers that are going to attack me.”

Dan nodded. “Parasitic organisms… Or rather the parasitic larva of something bigger and nastier…”

Pinkie whimpered.

Dan continued, “That’s what green and black things usually hold…” Dan curled his fingers up simulating his hand having legs. “They hatch and jump right at you.” Dan placed his ‘living’ hand on Pinkie’s stomach.

Pinkie flinched and shot a fearful glance down at Dan’s hand. “And… and… and they’ll kill me?”

“Well, no…”

Pinkie breathed a sigh of relief.

“Not right away, anyhow…” Dan said as he made his hand slowly crawl up Pinkie’s body.

Pinkie’s eye went wide as she fearfully stared at Dan’s hand.

First they need to impregnate you with their alien spawn.”

“But I’m too young to have scary alien babies, Dan!” Pinkie moaned.

Dan’s hand continued to ‘crawl’ up Pinkie’s side. “Well that’s too bad, once you go up there you’re going to be like… bonkers impregnated with one or more alien spawn that will slowly eat you from the inside out.”

Eeek!” Pinkie swatted at Dan’s hand as he brought it close to her face. “Dan, I changed my mind. I wanna go home and forget all about scary alien eggs!”

“Great!” Dan said happily, standing up. “Let’s just go home and watch a movie… I’m thinking ‘Alien’.”

“Dan, wait!” Pinkie said.

Dan let out a heavy sigh. “What the heck is it now?!”

“Someone’s walking up to the avocado-monster-egg-thingies!”

Dan quickly ducked down next to Pinkie and watched as a woman with long brown hair, carrying a shopping basket, walked up to the avocados and began looking at them.

Pinkie gasped. “The avocado thingamabobs didn’t hatch!”

Dan raised a finger to his lips “Shhhhhh!”

The woman picked one up and squeezed one, frowned, then placed it back. She repeated this process a couple of times until she seemed to find a satisfactory one. She placed the avocado in her basket and walked off.

Pinkie stood up. “Dan! Did you see that! She touched a bunch of the scary egg thingies and they didn’t hatch.”

Dan wrinkled his brow slightly. “She must be part of some sort of death cult that purposely sacrifices themselves to— Pinkie! Get back here! NO! Don’t pick that up!”

Dan irritably got up to his feet and marched up to Pinkie who clearly had a death wish as she had simply walked up to the avocado display and picked one up.

“Put that down!” Dan demanded. “Who knows what you’ll be infected with after prolonged exposure?”

“Dan! I don’t think it’s an egg thingy,” Pinkie said. “It’s a squishy thingy.”

Dan sighed heavily. “Glad you have such an extensive vocabulary regarding the classification of objects.”

Pinkie gasped. “Dan! It’s here in the fruit and veggie section so it must be a fruit or veggie thingy!”

Dan narrowed his eyes. “Pinkie, I’m going to punch your face in the face!”

Pinkie stared blankly at Dan for a moment. “My… my face’s face? Do I… do I have one?” Pinkie crossed her eyes and looked up as if trying to examine her own forehead.

Dan raised both sets of fingertips up to his forehead and began rubbing it. “Pinkie… If someone could somehow take and bottle the things you say, they’d have control over a super-weapon the likes of which the world has never seen or heard before!”

Pinkie smiled up at Dan. “Gee, thanks! I think that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me!”

“Don’t mention it,” Dan said, adding “ever” through clenched teeth.

“Excuse me…”

Dan turned and glared at the unwelcome interruption that had the gall to walk right up to him and utter a quiet ‘Excuse me’. In this case, a stout man with balding brown hair, glasses, a red sweater covering a blue shirt and blue tie, black pants, and black shoes.

“You’re excused!” Dan snapped back. “Now leave, we’re in the middle of an important scientific discovery.”

Pinkie held the avocado closer to her face and stared at it intently. “It’s definitely a bumpy thingy…”

The man frowned. “I just want an avocado.”

Dan grumbled irritable, grabbed a random avocado and held it out for the man. “There! Done! Now shoo!” Dan said as he attempted to wave the man away with his fingers. “Let the professionals work!”

“Dan! Not all the avocados are squishy!” Pinkie called out. “I need to rethink my whole system here!”

“This is taking forever!” Dan whined.

“I can’t take this avocado!” the man exclaimed.

Dan pinched the bridge of his nose with a thumb and forefinger. “Yes… you… can!” Dan asserted. “Just go up to the cashier, hand them the stupid thing, tell them that you want to buy it, and give them money…”

The man furrowed his brow. “No, but—”

Dan removed his hand and glared at the man. “You do know how money works, right? And which dead president is on which bill?”

“I can’t take this avocado because it’s not ripe!” the man asserted.

“Ooo! Ooo! Dan!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Breakthrooooough~! Squishiness must correspond to ripeeness!”

The man nodded. “See! She gets it!”

Dan let out an irritated “Ugh!” before wheeling on Pinkie. “This is why fruits are complete and utter bull-hooky! There’s too many variables to figure out if they’re edible or not! This is just one of the many reasons why meat is superior! All you need is to look at the color and give it a smell and you’re good to go.”

The man gave Dan a quizzical look. “Wait… avocados are fruit?”

Dan stared blankly at the man for a second. “Pinkie, I think I need to confiscate your ‘Ruler of the Idiots’ crown and give it to this man.”

“Okay!” Pinkie said cheerfully as she looked up from the avocado in her hand. “We’ll have to go back to the apartment and get it, though.”

“Hey!” the man protested raising his palms in front of him. “It was just a simple question. I just didn’t know avocados had one of those strange classifications like tomatoes.”

Dan glared angrily at the man and motioned to the avocados. “Does this look like something that just sprung from the ground?!” He picked one up. “It clearly came off a vine or tree or something!”

Ooooooooh!” Pinkie uttered. “So that’s how you tell the difference!” she said happily.

Dan narrowed his eyes and stared at Pinkie. “Pinkie, you can keep your crown.”

“‘Kay,” Pinkie replied. “The color of the glitter was specifically picked to match my hair, anyhow…”

Dan’s eye twitched irritably and turned back to yell at the bespectacled man still hovering near the avocados. “Seriously!” Dan cried. “What institution did you escape from?! Wherever it was, I demand you go back and take her with you,” Dan said as he pointed his thumb behind him at Pinkie.

“You now what?” the man said. “I’ll just be back later…” He turned and began to walk away.

“DON’T THINK YOU CAN JUST STROLL AWAY FROM IGNORANCE!” Dan shouted after the man, shaking his fist in the air. “YOUR STUPIDITY WILL CATCH UP WITH YOU SOMEDAY, AND WHEN IT DOES I HOPE I’M THERE TO POINT AND LAUGH.” Dan felt a tapping on his shoulder.

Dan turned to glare at Pinkie. “WHAT!?”

Pinkie smiled and held up an avocado. “A fruit huh…? Let’s take it home and figure out what to do with it.”

“FINALLY!” Dan cried.

“After I pick up a few more fruits and veggies…” Pinkie added.

GAH!” Dan cried as he ruffled his hair in frustration. He didn’t exactly know why… but somehow he knew Pinkie had not yet begun to twist the metaphorical knife lodged in the body of his life today.

Next Chapter: Part 2 Pinkie Vs. Hospital: Chapter 6 Pinkie Vs. Avocado Estimated time remaining: 1 Hour, 21 Minutes
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