The Lord of Winter sat before the fire, breathing in gulps of the warm air, drawing in and then letting everything out in a long exhale that was almost, but not quite, a wheeze. In an out, Bucky laboured to control his breathing.

He had almost forgotten what his own internal neurosis felt like, but here it was, everything welling up from the inside, no dark influence pressing in, his own often repressed emotions rising up to do him in.

For once, rather than push them down, push them away, distract himself with a project, or find some means of making his feelings just go away, the means typically involving alcohol, Bucky let everything go, allowing himself to feel the moment.

The Lord of Winter wept.

Laying on the bed, his vision blurry from crying, Bucky heard the door click behind him. He heard the sound of hoofs, the soft whisper of an inhaled breath, and then everything went silent as somepony stood near the bed. Bucky felt his muscles tense, but he did not feel as though he was in danger.

“After much discussion, it was I who was selected to come and cheer you up.”

The sound of Celestia’s voice made Bucky feel better. He relaxed, going limp.

“I strongly suspect that in these moments, one of your wives makes you feel better with lots of hot sweaty rutting,” Celestia said, her voice a flat monotone.

Almost choking on a wad of phlegm, Bucky did not reply. He coughed, hacked, and fought a mighty battle just to breathe. The air in the room was dry and each breath was painful.

“While I will confess, such an act might make me happy for a moment, it would not be worth a lifetime of regret. I have a very long life to feel regret with. You are a married pony, and I will not intrude. I will not violate those sacred bonds.”

This was unexpected. Drawing in a raspy breath, Bucky said, “It never stopped you and Sombra… he was married.” Bucky heard a pained sigh even as he was speaking. He heard hooves as Celestia began to pace.

“Buckminster, those were different times… there were different social attitudes. Marriage was done for political gain… alliances… it was not often that those in power married for love. Sombra had many wives and an even larger number of mistresses, bed warmers, hoofmares, and one time encounters.”

Bucky heard Celestia take a deep breath.

“I was a welcome guest. Sombra and Platinum both took me into their bed, often with Clover. Bucky, how do you think I figured out all of those spells in the book I gave you? I loved him and it was the only way I could have him… though I must confess, I loved the times when it was just he and I alone together. He would lurk around the castle, waiting to catch me unawares… Sombra appreciated the challenge, because I was so much taller than he was.”

Bucky wiped his face with his foreleg. “Why are you telling me this?”

“Because I am selfish and I came here to make myself feel better,” Celestia replied.

Silence.

When Bucky felt Celestia climbing into bed with him, his fearful exhale became a panicked yelp. He felt a strong foreleg wrap around him, pulling him closer, and he could feel Celestia against his back.

“He hurt me so much Bucky… I had to go cut him down. I had to try and kill somepony that I loved. I lost him… and I was attempting to kill him, I could feel him once more on my back… on my belly… I could feel his hot breath on my neck… on my ears… and I wanted him back. With each blow, each attack, it was like I was cutting away at my own flesh… and for a moment, for just a moment, I wanted to let him live because I was so selfish. I was almost willing to let him go and continue doing what he was doing just so I would not have to be lonely.”

Something wet trickled down the back of Bucky’s neck, causing him to shiver.

“The worst part of the whole thing is, when I found another Sombra through the mirror, I put everything at risk just to feel him again. But it wasn’t the same… it just wasn’t the same. This Sombra was good, too good. He was too kind, too attentive. The Sombra I knew, he was rough. He was coarse. Sombra was dirty… he was a bad pony. And the Sombra through the mirror was good… but he was close enough. He had the right voice, sometimes he had the right touch, and it allowed me to live a fantasy that I convinced myself was what I wanted.”

Contractions. Bucky inhaled. Celestia using contractions was a bad sign, or so he felt.

“I put everything at risk over a fantasy, just so I could fulfill a selfish need.”

“I don’t know what to say.” Bucky’s words were a raspy croak. They felt useless, meaningless, he had accomplished nothing by saying them.

A log in the fireplace popped, causing Bucky to startle. His body jerked and he felt Celestia squeeze him even tighter, trying to calm him. He also began to suffer a moment confusing and alarming feeling arousal. He set his will and began to work on making it go away.

“Buckminster, in the end, it felt as though I had failed them all. I lost everypony I loved, everypony that meant something to me, all of them were gone. It hurt me. And over time, I grew more and more distant, I felt like it was my fault. I couldn't save them. I couldn’t stop what had happened. I lost Sombra, I lost Platinum, I even lost Luna. The hurt grew to be too much. I isolated myself. In time, I cut myself off from the world. I stopped with interest in individuals and focused instead upon the greater good, the greater whole, looking ahead with centuries of planning in mind. Individuals were incidental. They came and went. As I grew older, their lives felt shorter. And then, without realising it, there I was, trapped in my ivory tower, outplanning all of my enemies, using my long life as a weapon, maintaining my rule against all odds by planning on a level that was impossible for mere mortals. I was unreachable. My only consolation, my only real contact with the world were my students. In time, I reached out to them. To one in particular, I placed my hopes and dreams.”

Bucky could feel Celestia drawing in a deep breath. She held it, causing her barrel to press against his back, and he could feel tears running down the back of his neck.

“She betrayed me, just like so many others, just like Sombra, she betrayed me. I almost gave up at that point. I almost retreated into my sun and left Equestria to House Avarice. Every day I told myself that none of this is worth the heartache. Cadance was the only thing keeping me going, but I had trouble reaching out to her. I was so hurt… there was so much pain. I reminded myself that the pain was temporary, just like all of the little lives that flickered into existence and blinked out all around me.”

Realising that he was expected to say something, Bucky fought against his rising panic. “Well, something changed. What was it?” He squeezed his hind legs together, mindful that his emotions were manifesting in all kinds of ways, some of them quite unwanted.

“It was Twilight. Cadance convinced me to give it one more try. I placed all of my hopes and dreams into Twilight. But I did so selfishly. I went about it all in the wrong way. I acted more like her mother, hoping I would get so close to her that she would never betray me. It was a confusing time. I acted like her mother while I also kept her distant, pushing her away from me, reminding myself that she was a means to an end. That she would grow old and die and my plans would have to go on without her. I didn’t know what to do. I was floundering at that point. I think I forgot how to treat ponies as individuals. I was too focused on long term planning. Even Cadance… I wronged Cadance. I knew that she would die. She was mortal. Cadance lost interest in being at my side, being at my beck and call… Cadance was so wrapped up in Shining Armor… she was so in love. I was happy for her… but I also hated her. I was jealous I think.”

“Do you think Cadance knew?” Bucky asked.

Celestia let out a long sigh. “I don’t know. For a time, I entertained fantasies of working my way into her relationship with Shining Armor. I didn’t even love Shining… at least not like that. I just wanted things to be like how they were. With Sombra… with Platinum… and with Clover.”

“I love my wives… I love them a great deal and we interact with one another as equals… there is sometimes a little teasing, where Derpy reminds me that I am hers, but in our private moments, it is the one place of refuge that I have where I am not ‘War Chief Buckminster’ or ‘Prince Buckminster’ or ‘King’ or any number of other titles I loathe.” Bucky struggled for the right words. “While we are open minded, we—”

“Bucky, I would throw off the dynamic. I know. I am aware of the tension that happens from just spending time with you and your family. I do not wish to disturb this fragile balance.”

Rubbing his face on the pillow, Bucky sniffled and closed his eyes. He thought about asking Celestia if the real reason she had banned herds was because of her own emotions, her own feelings, perhaps as measure to protect herself from future mistakes. But even as he thought about them, the words died in his throat, unable to be said.

“This is nice… just this… I remember holding you in the hospital bed… after the trial. These moments of intimate closeness, to hold and just be held, without the expectation of sex,” Celestia said in a low whisper.

Now Bucky felt just awful about the stirring between his legs. He gritted his teeth for a moment, steeled his nerve, and screwed his courage to the sticking place. “You need to get laid.” He heard a sharp intake of breath from behind him. “You need to get laid. Somehow, you need to find a willing worthy partner and you need to shag them until all of your frustrations are worked out and they need to shag you until you feel better, and then, if everything feels good between the two of you or even the three of you, you need to keep shagging them… I’m sorry Celestia, but it is like I’ve said to other immortals… I don’t trust anything that doesn’t get its dick wet, and this applies to you except that you don’t have a dick… obviously. But you’re not making somepony else’s dick wet or licking somepony’s labia until they go cross eyed and begin to praise the sun and that’s just WRONG. It’s unnatural and wrong and a violation of nature and like it or not, immortal or not, you are still tied to nature because you can cause females all over the world to go into heat with your sun.”

“Buckminster… you—”

“I made a terrible mistake… I’m so sorry… I shouldn’t have said the things I just said,” Bucky said, apologising.

“No… Buckminster, you are right. Luna keeps saying the same thing, but she is too fond of teasing me. You on the other hoof, are a neurotic little goof that is probably going to have nightmares about this awkward moment for years to come… the pony you call your auntie holding you, baring her heart and her soul while you try not to think about the throbbing erection that you have between your legs—”

“Oh feck everything, you know—”

“Of course I know” Celestia kissed Bucky on the back of the head. “You could have betrayed me. You could have betrayed your wives. You could have taken advantage of me at any time… you could have rolled over, taken me, and I would have let you, but you stayed true to those you love. You did something that Sombra couldn’t do. Thank you Bucky… I am going to take my leave of you now. I have a lot to think about.”

“So glad I could help.” Bucky’s voice was a pained wheeze and he squeezed his hind legs together even tighter, almost crushing his own balls, hoping that the ache would kill his need.

He felt Celestia slip away from him, her warm body lifting away, and cold air crept over his back, chilling his spine and making him shiver. “I love you, just so you know. But I don’t love you in that way. You are always welcome with me and my family… always.”

He heard hoofsteps moving away from the bed. He listened as Celestia walked away.

“Thank you Bucky… This is exactly what Berry Punch said would happen. She was right to trust you.”

Feeling a sharp stabbing pain in his gut, Bucky felt his balls getting sucked into his body. He felt himself go limp. For a moment, he felt like throwing up. This was just awful.

“Berry Punch is one of the most perceptive ponies I have ever met. She knew. She’s known for a long time. We’ve been talking about this for a few days now, when we get the chance to talk about it alone. She is utterly and completely confident that you would never stray because she works so hard to keep you satisfied. And I think she is right to feel the way she does.”

Bucky heard the door close. There was a click. The moment that Bucky knew he was alone, he rolled over onto his back, spread his legs, and tried to be rid of the aching pain between his legs. Huffing and puffing, Bucky tried to fill his aching lungs with air as he felt the cool chill settle over his crotch.

Author's Notes:

Whew.