“You know, you told me that all I’d need to worry about was feeding one end and wiping the other. This is not what I signed on for,” Bucky grumbled as he tried to clean Harper.

“You are currently wiping the other end,” Derpy said, not looking at Bucky, but instead at Cadance, who was currently looking around the room curiously.

“I am scrubbing partially digested bits of oatmeal out of Harper’s filly bits… I am picking half digested oats out of my daughter’s labia. I can’t even begin to describe how I feel right now. You never warned me about this,” Bucky retorted, shaking his head in revulsion.

“She is a filly… of course she has filly bits. And they have to be cleaned. Now be a good daddy and look after your little girl. She holds still for you,” Derpy commanded, one eyebrow raising.

“But this is really uncomfortable,” Bucky whined, looking away from his task.

“She’s just now getting used to solid foods… she has really messy diapers,” Lyra said as she stuffed a pacifier into Bucky’s mouth with a wet sounding pop.

Squeezing her eyes shut, Derpy threw back her head and laughed after she watched Bucky attempt to suckle on the pacifier, a very confused look upon his face. The grey mare guffawed, getting a chance to let everything out after what had been a very trying time.

“No father wants to acknowledge that their daughters have sexual organs. They can’t live with the idea that at some point, those sexual organs are going to be used for their intended purpose,” Berry Punch announced, watching as Bucky’s suckling upon the pacifier intensified during her words. “Somepony get that out of his mouth, he’s enjoying it too much.”

With a another wet sounding pop, Lyra yanked the pacifier out of Bucky’s mouth.

“My paci!” Bucky cried out in protest. “Give it back!” he added, his lip protruding in lopsided pout as one half of his face became quite sad.

Looking very disturbed, Lyra stared at Bucky with narrowed eyes.

“Hey, you’re the one who gave me the pacifier,” Bucky said as he resumed scrubbing.

“You were acting like a foal,” Lyra stated, shaking her head.

“I’m trying to scrub bits of oatmeal from Harper’s sexual organs and I find it very awkward. Imagine trying to scrub a little colt’s-”

“Weewee?” Derpy interrupted, trying to contain her giggles. “I have. I’ve foalsitted a few little colts that had to be cleaned up. There is a little spot you have to learn how to tickle to make the retractor penis muscle relax so the penis will unsheathe so you can clean around in there. If you don’t, the urine will chafe the skin and cause all kinds of problems,” the grey mare said in a knowing voice.

“Plus you have to clean along the inside of the sheath to deal with smegma,” Bon Bon casually remarked. “If they don’t get a proper cleaning they can get a sheath bean.”

Shuddering, Bucky closed his eye and tried to ignore the current conversation.

“I don’t understand. You’ve killed a crystal lich. You’ve faced a legion of shadow wolves. You’ve faced all manner of horror and you just went to Tartarus where you spent over a decade hanging on a hook just so you could rescue Cadance,” Lyra said, blinking at Bucky in confusion.

“No good and decent father wants anything to do with his daughter’s girl parts! It’s a stallion thing!” Bucky retorted, looking up at the ceiling as he continued to scrub Harper. “And you need to stop asking Celestia questions about the Butcher’s Hook. It’s making us both uncomfortable!”

“I’m sorry! I love my husband and I want to understand what the pacifier loving filly vagina fearing doofus went through because he seems to be suffering and wakes up screaming from his sleep,” Lyra responded.

“Lyra, ease off,” Derpy warned.

Looking down, Bucky did a careful and thorough inspection, looking for debris and things that shouldn’t be there. He smiled down at Harper, who looked up at him with wide trusting eyes. He thought about the defilement of the alicorns and how Dawn Star and Evening Star had suffered. He gently rubbed Harper’s belly with his hoof, making the foal giggle as he reflected upon the end of the alicorns.

“There! He’s doing it again! He’s remembering something horrible and it is making him sad,” Lyra said, pointing with her hoof. Reaching up, she brushed her mane out of her eyes and looked around the room. “I know you all saw that.”

“We did,” Derpy acknowledged.

Feeling every eye in the room upon him, Bucky cringed and focused on Harper. He took a deep breath, trying to figure out what to say, something witty, anything, but there were no words. No clever response for Lyra. No soft words of reassurance to let everypony know that he was okay. His side ached dully and he could feel pressure on the inside of his pelvis pressing in on him as he sat there trying to think of what to say.

“Bucky has his burdens to endure and we have ours. When he gets like this we have to carry him along. Celestia said he was going to need plenty of love and attention. In this instance, we have to focus on what we’ve gained rather than what we’ve lost,” Bon Bon said in a reassuring voice.

“I want to be home. We left Thistle in the lake so she could look after herself while we’re here in Canterlot to be with Rising Star. I can’t do this. I know that Celestia wants Cadance here so ponies can see she is okay and that she lives, but I can’t keep doing this. I want to go home where it is quiet. I’m not well on the inside. I want to be in my own kitchen, or my library, or in my own bed closing my eye and shutting the world out,” Bucky admitted as he stared down at Harper, who was smiling up at him and gurgling gleefully.

“I wish Sparky was here,” Loch Skimmer said in a disappointed voice.

Turning to look at her sister, Ripple prodded Loch Skimmer with her hoof. “Sparkler is always on duty. Always. As long as she draws breath, she says that she is on duty. Ponyville does not have enough police officers. So it is your duty to be here for Rising Star.”

“Since when did you get to be so grown up little sister?” Loch Skimmer said as she grinned at Ripple. “I’m proud of you, you know that?”

Blushing, Ripple looked away, staring down at her front hooves. “Aw… I’m just trying to do the right thing. Ain’t nothing to be proud of.” Kicking one front hoof with the other, Ripple bashfully allowed her mane to fall down over her eyes.

“So when do you plan to seal the deal with Bittersweet?” Loch Skimmer questioned in a low voice, prodding into her sibling’s love life in the way that only a sister could.

“Loch!” Ripple shouted, looking up at her sister once more. “That’s private. Personal. I’m in no hurry to do anything.”

Shaking her head, Loch Skimmer clucked her tongue. “You shouldn’t lie to your sister.”

“Who said I’m lying?” Ripple said, becoming defensive.

Loch Skimmer snorted. “Ripple, I know that your rubbing one out almost on a daily basis. I know for certain that you did it in the bedroom the other day when you thought we were all sleeping. The thrill of getting caught makes the moment that much sweeter, doesn’t it?”

Ripple, aghast, glared daggers at her sister. “Just because I’m trying to figure out how stuff works down there doesn’t mean that I am in a hurry to seal the deal as you put it.”

Looking apologetic, Loch Skimmer nodded. “You’re right. That wasn’t fair of me to assume,” the filly admitted. Loch Skimmer stared at her sister Ripple’s protruding lower lip. “I’m sorry… really.”

“How is your dock piercing?” Ripple asked, changing the subject.

“Healing. When I lay on my back and wiggle my hindquarters around, it feels really good when my dock rubs on the bed. I can almost work myself up to a good case of the shudders just by doing that,” Loch Skimmer replied in her usual blunt fashion.

“Oh ew… that’s more than I wanted to know!” Ripple cried out in disgust.

“Representative Rising Star… a promising rookie.”

“Representative Spitfire, I don’t think we’ve met face to face yet,” Rising Star said politely.

“Your father, the Lord of Winter, wanted me to talk to you. Become chummy. Try and be friends. I met him recently in Baltimare. I like him. Sure, his face could curdle water, but I like him,” Spitfire said, being brazen as always.

Scowling, Rising Star stepped away from Spitfire.

“Oh… the face comment. You’ll have to forgive me. I’m like that. Your father likes that about me I think,” Spitfire said as she pulled her sunglasses down and peered at Rising Star over the top of the frames.

“Yes… well… I was just on my way to go and talk with my two new siblings, Singsong and Brass Note,” Rising Star said in a polite voice, each word carefully spoken with good and proper diction. Mister Chips had been giving him lessons in appearing to be erudite and it showed.

“Look… I’m trying to gather supporters. You… you are service oriented. Pro-military. Your wife Sparkler Doo Hooves founded the Ponyville Police Department. Wife number two, Loch Skimmer, she does medical airlifting and she was a damn impressive flier in Baltimare. I’ve never seen ANYPONY fly as steadily as she does in high winds carrying a load. Wife number three, Ripple, is a Dragoon. She is a filly serving in the armed forces through a grey area, acting as the squire of one Lugus the griffon, who is a knight. Ripple is a Squire Cornet, First Class. I’ve heard scary stories about Ripple during my investigations so I could learn all about her. You married the three most amazing wives a young colt like you could ask for,” Spitfire said, spilling her guts out before Rising Star.

“You want an ally for your agenda. You already have one in me,” Rising Star stated in response, now studying Spitfire carefully.

“And you… you’re a fey unicorn smith who has a minor problem smelling like rotten eggs while being drop dead sexy. Word has it that you are being trained in your craft by one of the fey demon lords of Tartarus and you’re being trained to make moon-silver, something only the fey can make-”

“Who told you that?” Rising Star snapped.

“I worked very hard to learn everything I could about you,” Spitfire said in a low serious voice. “I sunk a small fortune into making sure that I knew everything relevant about you.”

“You spied on me!” Rising Star growled, the stench of rotten eggs intensifying.

“Yes I did!” Spitfire announced, being utterly honest. “First rule of politics rookie… get to know your friends and your foes. I want you as a friend. We’re on the same side. Now, about that moon-silver, you are about to change the face of warfare with an ultralight metal that is impossibly strong and is completely non magical so it can’t be disenchanted like featherlight steel can be. I want that armor around mares and I want those mares on the front lines kicking plot and showing the world what Equestrian mares are made of.”

Baring his fangs, Rising Star scowled. He gave Spitfire a black look as his long thin tail whipped around his hind legs. “You want to see a mare made out of exceptional stuff, you gotta look on the Shetland Isles,” he said in an irritated voice.

“I already am rookie… I have my talent scouts out in the Shetlands right now looking for mares and stallions that have the right sort of stuff. I’ve done my homework, remember? Ripple and Loch Skimmer both come from the Shetlands,” Spitfire responded, offering up half a smile to Rising Star.

“Maybe we got off on the wrong hoof. But if you want my help, I want a favour from you,” Rising Star demanded.

“No bribes rookie… don’t do anything that’ll mess with our geas,” Spitfire warned.

“No, nothing like that. I want Wonderbolt autographs for Singsong and Brass Note. Those two had a rough go at life and they deserve something to make them feel special,” Rising Star explained in a slow careful voice.

“I can do that… I’ll get autographs from everypony for your siblings. Want some tickets? I’m allowed to give those away, I asked Twilight Sparkle. She said it would be good for public relations,” Spitfire replied as she pushed her sunglasses back up on her nasal bridge.

Author's Notes:

Google horse sheath bean... I dare you!

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