Bucky Bitters ran for his life, pursued by the stuff of nightmares. His barrel heaved, his lungs burned, and his legs felt wobbly and weak, and still he ran, his pursuer hot on his heels. Bucky leaped over a fence, barely clearing the top rail with his barrel, scraping a rear knee over the rail as his front hooves drove down towards the earth. He could hear some ponies encouraging him to run faster, other ponies were telling him to stop running and face the music.

Bucky Bitters would not stop running.

No way.

He was young and had his whole life before him.

If he stopped running, life as he knew it would end.

So he ran, digging deep, trying to find the strength to keep going.

As he ran, part of his brain pondered the events leading up to this terrible mess, this confusing jumble of events that made no sense. It had been an accident, a chance encounter, nothing more, something that could have happened to anypony.

He had stopped by work to pick up his weekly pay, not actually on the clock today, with the hopes that he could spend his bits purchasing what he needed for his real passion, brewing beer. He had bloomed late in life, his cutie mark not appearing until he was an adult, taking his first sip of fine well brewed beer and falling in love, hops appearing on his backside mere moments after that first sip. So he had gone to purchase supplies, little things he needed, he had made some idle chit chat in the supply store, and then he had been on his way, eager to get a start on his hobby.

Only things had not gone as planned.

He came out of the supply store, his saddlebags now full of supplies, turned to the left, not paying attention to where he was going, and then he had bumped into her. His dogged pursuer. They had bumped snoots together rather forcefully, coming together with a thud, both of them toppling over and landing on their backsides with a thump. He had worried for a moment that he had hurt her quite severely, and it took him several moments to remember that her eyes were always like that. The two had sat for several minutes looking at one another, at least, he thought she was looking at him, and Bucky, being the gentle sort that he was, had reached out and gently touched her cheek and inquired if she was okay.

But when he had touched her, her cheeks had ignited with a fiery red glow, her eyes grew glassy and bright, her ears swiveled forward, and she let out a strange giggling moan, a sound that haunted Bucky even now, as he was running for his life.

The chase had started several seconds later, moments after Bucky had wormed free of the pegasus’ powerful embrace.

Pegasi were brutes, Bucky Bitters knew this, and they did not willingly let go of their prizes or their fancies, and Bucky knew now that she fancied him. He knew it as he struggled free of her giggling love drunk embrace in front of the store, not long after they had bumped into one another.

For some ponies, all it took was a simple bump of noses or just the meeting of the eyes, and then, life was over. Biological imperatives took over. Bucky’s nose had told him that the mare had more than a passing interest in him. Pheromones were terrible things, and Bucky hated them. They denied reason, ignored logic, and were filled with base biological prompts that made keeping your intellectual senses difficult.

Which was exactly why the grey mailmare was chasing the tan unicorn through Ponyville, giggling madly, pleading with him to stop so they could talk, begging him to snoot-bump with her one more time. She was clearly a slave to her brutish biology.

“Oh please stop!” pleaded Derpy, her wings flapping, trying to catch the fleeing unicorn.

Bucky Bitters did not reply. He couldn’t spare the breath. He turned sharply, regained his balance, and then leaped over the flower stall of a mare named Roseluck.

“Buy some roses for your love?” shouted Roseluck hopefully, watching the hunted unicorn running away, Derpy in hot pursuit.

“Yeah, buy me some roses!” begged Derpy, nearly colliding into a building as she flew after Bucky, her forelegs wrapped around her own barrel and hugging herself tightly, her tail swishing from side to side as she flew.

Other pegasi were joining the chase now, cheering and laughing, encouraging Derpy to fly faster, swooping down over Bucky and taunting him mercilessly. The brutish pegasi had mobbed together to bully him into submission, all of them working together to harass him as he tried to escape Derpy’s clutches.

Pegasi really were brutes.

Bucky ran even faster, his fear flogging his limbs into previously unknown levels of performance. Love between unicorns was simple and easy. A little intellectual conversation, a mention of your reading list, perhaps some talk of magical theory, and life was good. Pheromones be damned. There were magical spells that could rid you of such distractions, allowing you to keep your senses and behave like a well-bred and proper pony, not some sex starved brute.

Love between pegasi involved bruises, or so Bucky had heard.

Derpy had caught him once during their chase already, sweeping him into a near bone shattering hug, squeezing him tightly, trying to whisper sweet words into his ear in between her heaving giggles, her forelegs compressing his ribs almost to the point of breaking. He had squirmed free by sheer luck, falling almost ten feet, and had hit the ground running, thankfully not breaking anything.

Bucky knew that if she caught him again, she would fly away with him, and he would let her, not wanting to plunge to his own death if dropped from a great height.

Pegasi were brutes like that, snatching you up in their clutches, and taking your life hostage to their mercy as they flew away.

Derpy Hooves flew determinedly towards the fleeing unicorn. He was fast, but Derpy had the advantage with her wings. The unicorn would tire eventually, and then they could talk. And maybe snoot-bump. Playing hard to get was clearly an invitation, so the unicorn must want to be caught. Derpy obliged, it had been a long while since she had played this game.

She had bumped into him accidentally, enjoying her day off, out doing a little shopping, hoping to find a birthday gift for Dinky, and the best big sister for Dinky ever gift for Sparkler. And then, as life would have it, she had bumped snoot first into the tan unicorn she was now pursuing, just wanting to talk to him.

He had looked at her so tenderly after bumping into her, his face apologetic and sweet. Most ponies didn’t look at her in a nice way at all, and very few of them ever looked her directly in the eye. And she knew why.

But the unicorn had looked her in the eye for just a moment, his face full of worry, and she saw something in his eyes, and then felt something stir within her heart that hadn’t been there in a long, long time. For a brief moment, his face had been so full of concern. And a brief moment was all any pegasi needed to absorb the information all around them in their surroundings. Even with Derpy’s vision impairment, she could rapidly take in details that earth ponies and unicorns usually missed. She felt bad for earth ponies and unicorns, and their near blindness to life around them, which is why she was so fiercely protective of her own unicorn offspring. They were helpless to the constant threats of the world around them, and it caused Derpy no end of worry.

She had tried to be friendly, in the traditional manner of the pegasi, reaching out and giving a hug in apology, as pegasi approached everything in a physical fashion. And she had hugged him really hard too, trying to express just how sorry she was, trying to communicate her deep feeling of regret through the application of pressure in her embrace. She may have added a bit of extra squeeze to her hug, trying to express her physical attraction as well.

But the unicorn had squirmed free and then ran off.

Because unicorns were snobs.

But Derpy was determined that she wasn’t going to let a little thing like that get in the way. She would just have to try harder, but to be honest, she didn’t know how to communicate with the fleeing unicorn. Her usual approaches had failed. She was able to communicate with Dinky and Sparkler just fine though, they understood what extra squeezy hugs meant and gave them in return. For some reason, Dinky and Sparkler didn’t get along with other unicorns, and this made Derpy sad. But she was determined to love them even more because of this.

She had caught him briefly, giving him an extra lovey pegasus hug, the sort of hug that pegasi reserve for special moments, moments of extreme gratitude, apologies, wanting to express physical affection, wanting to express friendship, all of those things that pegasi could only express in a hug. She had even lifted him off of the ground, holding him tightly and closely, trying to let him know that he could trust her with his life, that she would hold on to him, keep him safe, keep him from harm, and never let him go. It was the sort of comforting hug she gave her own foals every day, and they reciprocated her affection. If they didn’t get their daily dose of affection, they became moody and even a little bratty.

But the squirmy unicorn had broke free and had nearly broken his legs. Silly unicorn.

Because unicorns were snobs and he had spurned her intimate and tender hearted display of affection. Derpy was willing to forgive though. She had seen what the unicorn could be, briefly, when he had gazed into her eyes.

Other pegasi were around her now, cheering her on, none of them louder than Rainbow Dash, who hovered overhead and was pumping her forehoof into the air, hooting wildly.

Pegasi did almost everything as a flock. It was a deeply ingrained part of their being, a practical means of survival throughout the ages, living in a world hostile to the highly edible pony, who was little more than a walking selection of choice cuts, four drumsticks, and a pile of steaks. Pegasi stuck together, raised their young together in rookeries, and took the first step in creating those young in highly developed social rituals, public displays, letting every pegasus in the flock know that the desired target was now off the market, please do not mess with the future potential mate, thank you very much.

Derpy’s fellow pegasi acknowledged Derpy’s display of intention and celebrated her public announcement of a desire for courtship, trying to let the lucky unicorn know that he was such a lucky stallion and that he had been selected for potential courtship.

But the fleeing unicorn had rejected their affection and goodwill…

Because unicorns were snobs.

Derpy, tiring of the chase, believing that she had given enough time for the public announcement of her intentions to settle in to her fellow pegasi, poured on the speed and increased her efforts to hunt down her target.

Bucky was tiring, his breath going in and out in ragged heaves, his throat burning, and his sides felt like they would tear open at any moment. He was too tired to even try winking, he doubted he could summon his magic anyway, and his saddlebags thumped painfully against his sides. His hooves thudded in the dirt, his pelt worked into a fine sweaty lather, white foam now visible on his sides and his back.

Just as he thought he couldn’t run for another second, the chase ended as abruptly as it had begun, with the grey mare ramming into his side in a flying tackle, sending him tumbling in the dirt.

Bucky lay on his back, unmoving, hearing the grey mare approach.

And then, she was there, looking down at him, smiling broadly, her eyes merry and pointing in two different directions.

“I give up,” muttered Bucky.

“Aw, I was enjoying the chase,” replied Derpy.

Derpy gently snoot-bumped the unicorn laying in the dirt, gently this time, trying to send a clear signal that she really was friendly, trying to make clear her intentions.

Bucky lay as still as possible, hoping that the pegasus mare would not break every bone in his body, also trying to make clear his intentions, his intentions being that he had given up completely and was submitting to her.

As they studied one another, both of them were thinking similar thoughts.

Pegasi are brutes.

Unicorns are snobs.

Author's Notes:

Mwhahahahahah!

Pony sociology!

Because ethnocentric points of view are funny as hell and I've been wanting to do a really twisted romantic comedy again.

Have you joined?