You parked your Nissan in the hotel parking structure and headed in towards the convention center. It would be in the Hyatt ballroom and this entire weekend was dedicated to Autism Awareness Month, which is held every year in April.

As a show that preaches tolerance, My Little Pony has long been a big supporter of autism. In fact, you have a cousin with autism, and his favorite pony is Twilight. It just goes to show that you’re twice as smart as him, because he can’t tell Dash is best pony.

Today you check into your room in a hurry and unpack your cosplay outfit. You strip your clothes off and start getting dressed with a fat suit. You throw on your We Love Fine™ My Little Pony™ T-Shirt. You haven’t shaved in three weeks to grow out this neckbeard, and ain’t no other brony grow neck-beard like you, you’re neck-beardlicious.

However, you reflect as you look in the mirror at your horrifying reflection, this is all just a practical joke. Like the great cynics of your time: George Carlin, Kaidan, or Nietzsche, you’re just here to troll a little and enjoy Autism Awareness Month.

After all, you already know it is a spectrum of three disorders classified under the DSM-IV guidelines of psychiatry that covers most cases of social disorders that develop during childhood. You know that there are savants who can recall every meal they ate during the last forty years, but are so autistic they need a nurse to help them tie their shoes. You’re just doing this for a bit of innocent fun.

What could possibly go wrong?

You put on a Rainbow Dash sweater that’s three sizes too small, and a Derpy backpack. You got them both at Hot Topic™. You also put on some shorts that are uncomfortably tight, and bright red sneakers. If anyone saw you wearing a bright orange bicycle helmet at this point, they wouldn’t think twice.

That’s probably a good thing, as you place the helmet on your head. Your outfit is complete, and you’re ready to troll it down like your idol, Tara Strong.

You head to the elevator, and see another family there. Time to troll and see how it goes.

You start pushing the screw on the elevator up/down button panel. “Stupid button! Why won’t you work!?” You step back and kick it with all your might.

The family looks at you in horror, whispering to each other. Finally, the mother approaches and takes a soothing tone. “Are you alright?”

“No! I need the elevator go down!”

The mother pushes the down button for you. “Is your moth—”

“No! I wanted to push it!” You glare at her, and then start pressing the up button. “My button! My button!”

They back up a bit, and let you take the elevator down alone. You make a mental note to pull this act anytime you want to avoid a crowded elevator.

At the ground floor you walk towards the ballroom and the speech on Autism Awareness. Today in the “Padded” room is a demonstration on sorting legos™ by size, color, and legibility of the little ‘lego’ logos printed on the bricks. In the “Rounded Corners” room is a convention of Asperger’s patients, where you’re given two hours to try and over-come crippling shyness and actually talk to someone else. In the final room, the “Janitor’s Closet”, is a panel on Pervasive developmental disorder not otherwise specified (PDD-NOS). You consider stopping by to laugh at them. In order to be diagnosed with PDD-NOS, you need enough symptoms of autism to be autistic, but not enough to get a valid clinical diagnosis of Autism or Aspergers.

Yes, people with PDD-NOS failed at being autistic.

You ignore these side panels, and slide along the wall. Literally. You’re keeping your distance from everyone else as if you have aspergers. It takes all your effort not to burst out laughing as you see a thirty year old on a leash being guided into the room by his mother. In his hand he is carrying a Pinkie Pie doll that’s covered in slobber and has most of the mane torn out.

In fact, as you look around, you notice there are a ton of ponies here today. You feel a twinge of guilt, as you realize all these autistic people love My Little Pony™.

You take a seat in the back row and sigh. Is this really the magic of friendship? Trolling autistic people? WWRDD? (What Would Rainbow Dash Do?)

A little kid walks over and pushes you out of the way, and begins re-tying your shoes.

“Timmy! No!” The mother rushes over. “I’m sorry, he has this thing about shoelaces. They have to be tied in a very specific way or he freaks out.”

“Angel Bunny, Angel Bunny, playing by a tree. Criss-Crossed the tree, trying to catch Opal. Angel Bunny, Angel Bunny, jumped into the hole, popped out the other side with Winona and Tank.” The autistic kid smiles as he finishes tying your shoes, and leaves.

Once he’s out of hearing range, you pretend to cough as you laugh your fucking socks off. That just made this whole day of trolling worth it. You don’t know what you’d do if you were ever that autistic!

You find it hard to breath, and you feel a heavy crushing weight in your chest. A sharp pain shoots down your left arm as you start to scream. You get dizzy and pass out.

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You wake up and look around. Your ears are ringing and everything is in black and white.

It appears to be a sunny day in a non-descript town of colorful buildings with birds chirping and butterflies buttering. You shake your head and try to wipe out your ears, because that makes perfect sense, and you look around.

The ringing is stopping and you begin to realize you are in Ponyville.

You stand up and look around, and see some ponies approaching you. This sweater is hot and you want to take it off, but your head it still spinning and it’s getting harder and harder to think. As you fumble with the sweater, you collapse from exhaustion.

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Ponies! You wake up and ponies and there’s a pink one and a blue one and a pink one, and an orange one, and a pink one, and a yellow one, and a pink one, and a purple one! Oh, did I mention the pink one? Because she’s like extra pink!

You reach out and hug her. She’s extra pink and pinky and pink and she screams really loud. It hurts when she screams so you squeeze harder.

A mean pony tackles you and starts yelling in your face. You cry. You were just hugging the pink one. You like the pink pony.

“What the hell is this thing, Twilight?” the mean pony says.

“I don’t know, it appears to be some primitive ape-man,” purple says.

“Owie,” the pinkie pinkalicious one says. She looks kind of tasty, and if the mean pony wasn’t pinning you down, you might try and eat her. “But I think he broke a rib.”

You look at the ugly pony, you hate orange. Oranges and orange and carrots and orange and other oranges, and carrots. “Ah reckon he ain’t from around here.”

You realize mean pony is best pony. You don’t know why, you just know that first you weren’t here, and mean pony was best pony, and now you are here, and you’re supposed to show best pony your pee-pee so she can give it a bath.

You pull out your pee-pee for mean pony, and try and find her special scrubby spot. Mommy said it was in the no-no place between her legs, and since she’s standing on you, you can just grab her and pull her down.

“Gah! It’s got me!” mean pony yells.

You feels your warm and wet parts touching and she’s wiggling and hitting you, but it’s so good to have another pony hug in your special place. She starts screaming like the pink pony so you headbutt her, because why not?

A magical aura encases you and pulls you and Dash apart.

“Stop it! What are you?” purple pony asks.

“Darling, I think we might… need to turn him in,” bitch pony says. You’ve only heard her speak a single sentence, but already you can tell she is a bitch.

That’s when some library books catch your eye. You crawl over, and since you’re not actively trying to suffocate one of the tiny ponies with a hug, they leave you alone.

“Oh dear,” soft pony says. “he’s just a poor lost animal,” warm pony adds. “Eep!” The pony hides behind a little ball of fur.

You finish sorting all the books by varying shades of green and blue. They’re also perfectly arranged by size and weight.

“Oh dear,” purple observes. “I recognize this, that poor wild animal must be human! Only humans show such high levels of mental retardation.”

“Oh, what a shame,” happy pony says. “Yawn,” sleepy pony mumbles, “Purr, purr, purr.”

You look back at her and reach out to hug her. She moves before you can reach her.

“Indeed, what a barbaric race,” bitch pony states.

“Yeah,” mean pony says. “What kind of race interferes with natural selection to let such retarded babies live?”

“Ah reckon they ain’t heard of eugenics,” ugly pony adds.

You see a bunny. “Bunny!” You grab the bunny and give it your biggest hug.

“Angel!”

You feel ponies grabbing you and magic making you hover as they try to pry the bunny out of your arms. By the time they do, bunny is taking a nap. The mean and ugly one start yelling at you, while bitch and soft pony try and wake bunny up.

Bunny must be taking a big nap because he doesn’t want to wake up, and he’s turning kind of blue which is a cool color for a pony.

“Dammit, all right let’s take him to a shelter.” Purple pony picks you up and walks you outside.

You spin through the air giggling and trying to hug things. When you can’t reach anything to hug, you start eating your boogers.

Finally you’re carried into a brightly lit clinic, and carried into a room with the purple pony.

“Here, take this,” purple pony says.

She hands you a large stuffed teddy bear.

“Teddy!”

You grab it and give it extra big hugs because it’s a teddy, and you like teddys now. Teddy is cool.

“It’s going to be okay,” purple says. She strokes your head and you lay down, relaxing. You maybe take a nap now.

“We’re going to find you a lovely house, with a big lawn, to live in,” she states.

“And bunnies! And legos! Can I eat legos?”

“Yes, you’ll have bunnies and all the legos you can eat.”

You hear purple pony pulling something out of a drawer, but you’re too busy hugging teddy to care.

“And you’ll never be sad again.”

“I’m never sad!” you shout. “I’m always happy, because I’m happy!”

Purple is crying at this point, and sniffling. “Y-yes, you s-sure are.” You hear a loud click as something cold is pushed against the back of your head.

“And I saw best pony, and pink pony, and a mean pony, and ugly pony, and bit—”

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