Discord Insults

by PonyTom

First published 24th of April, 2014

To deal with the boredom of immortality, Discord sends insults to ponies throughout Equestria...

Discord is immortal - or at the very least he's lived a really long time - and sometimes, that can get boring, especially when you've promised to be (relatively) good. So, he decides to reap another form of chaos and insult as many ponies in Equestria as he can!

I don't know, I was bored and wrote this. I apologize in advance.
Inspired by Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged from HHG2TG and Arthur from Fable III

Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

You're a self-righteous know it all who can't do squat without the aid of magical powers. I bet you only got where you are cause your family's rich, you pudgy little witch!

Yours sincerely, Discord

Rainbow Dash

Dear Rainbow Dash,

You're stupid. No, really, you're stupid. I've never seen a pony who could only learn while she's flying. You're learning disabled, and you know it.

Yours sincerely, Discord

Rarity

Dear Rarity,

You're a pompous little gold digger from a hick town whose only real goal in life is to find a good looking stallion with money. Generosity indeed. On the bright side; this just about describes most celebrities, so you're well on the right track to marrying a rich stallion, having a horrible marriage, making headlines for accidentally exposing yourself in public, and dying in obscurity.

Yours sincerely, Discord

Pinkie Pie

Dear Pinkie Pie,

You're a wannabe poser who has no idea what she's up against. I've been breaking the laws of physics since before your great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great (etc.) grandparents were in short pants, so there.

Yours sincerely, Discord

Fluttershy

Dear Fluttershy,

You're a whimpering little wuss who cowers at the sight of her own reflection, and the whole world's waiting for you to play possum on a highway.

I've sent flowers and a box of chocolates so you know there's no hard feelings.

Sissy.

Yours sincerely, Discord

Applejack

Dear Applejack,

You can't read

Yours sincerely, Discord

Cup Cake

Dear Cup Cake,

You're a cheating, lying slut. So your great aunt's second cousin twice removed was a pegasus? Then how did those genes get passed down to you? And I may not know much about genetics, but I know a lot about not making sense, and while I can see an atavism occurring several generations later, I don't think an entire breed of pony will pop up after five or six generations of earth ponies.

Yours sincerely, Discord

Carrot Cake

Dear Carrot Cake

You're a loser and a doormat who can't think on his own and you deserve every ale that brings upon you, you spineless wuss. Gotta give you credit though; you did hire Pinkie Pie, and don't think I don't know why you'd let a younger mare live in your house with you.

Just give in to the hatred and the thirst for revenge.

Yours sincerely, Discord

Lyra

Dear Lyra

You're a psychopathic lunatic who believes in silly things. Incidentally, humans are real, but you had no way of knowing that, you screwball.

Yours sincerely, Discord

Big Macintosh

Dear Big Macintosh

You're a fat behemoth of a pony and I'm willing to bet the reason you don't talk is because there's fat in your esophagus, fatty.

Yours sincerely, Discord

Apple Bloom

Dear Apple Bloom

Good news; your parents are alive. Bad news; it's Applejack and Big Mac. Seriously, your "parents" were gone when they were foals, and Big Mac has to be in his thirties by now, where did you think you came from you sneaky little product of incest?

Yours sincerely, Discord

Granny Smith

Dear Granny Smith

That nopony has put together yet that you're a 500 year old mummy I'll never understand. I know you've been sacrificing your children and grandchildren for generations to retain your youth, and guess what? I've notified the Night Shift, and they're coming for you, you death-cheating hag! It's the least I can do for your overweight grandson, illiterate granddaughter and their incestuously conceived child.

Yours sincerely, Discord

Author's Notes:

The Night Shift is a reference to this story here:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/57463/twilight-sparkle-night-shift