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Sparkle's No. 1 Assistant

by Wanderer D

Chapter 1: Sun-Butt and Moon-Butt

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“Twilight Sparkle.”

The little filly stepped forth, nervously looking at the several instructors watching her. A pony dragged in a chariot where a strange black egg with glowing blue lines the size of three ponies lay on a bed of hay.

“Your test is to hatch the egg,” one of the instructors explained briefly.

Twilight looked at the egg dubiously. “Are you sure you want to hatch whatever’s in there?”

The instructor did not seem amused. “Begin.”

Twilight’s horn lit up; her magic enveloping the egg like a shroud. She prodded. She warmed it up. She wiggled her hooves at it, enticing it to hatch, but nothing helped.

When she was about to give up, however, a rainbow-colored explosion shook the sky. Twilight’s magic went wild, and in the confusion nopony heard the automated voice.

MASS EFFECT SURGE DETECTED. ACTIVATING POD.

The egg fell into pieces, revealing a reptilian creature of some sort, wearing some kind of black and red armor. It’s scarred face looked around with the confusion of a newborn, as it blinked and shook its head.

It was about to say something when a random stray ray hit him, turning him into a potato.

A few years later

Twilight slammed the door to her tower open. She shook her saddlebags off and cracked her neck before walking up the stairs.

“Wrex.”

“Sparkle.”

“I think I discovered something! Nightmare Moon is the Mare in the Moon!”

Wrex crossed his arms and leaned back against the bookshelf. “You don’t say.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “I would have thought that you of all pyjaks would understand my enthusiasm.”

Wrex snorted. "And what made you think that?”

“Weren’t you always telling me how Shepard followed links to the past and how he discovered the Reaper’s invasion?”

Chuckling, Wrex leaned down to look Twilight in the eye. “Kid, Shepard had actual proof. You have craters.”

Twilight grumbled something about throwing Wrex out the window, but paused, taking a deep breath. “Wrex, take a letter.”

“I thought you knew how to write.”

Twilight rolled her eyes again. “Fine, but you’re sending it.”

Wrex sighed, shaking his head. “Why I let Sun-Butt cast that spell on me, I’ll never figure out.”

Twilight scribbled something on the scroll and tossed it at Wrex, who snorted, throwing green flames out of his nostrils, and somehow turning the scroll into magical mist. “There. Done. Now, why don’t we go shoot something instead of hanging out here waiting for Sun-Butt to reply? I think you could still make a decent shot with the Carnifex.”

“I’ve told you I prefer the Widow, Wrex.” Twilight pranced around, peering at books. “Besides, since I’m her student, she’ll reply soon.”

Wrex sneezed and a scroll landed between the two of them.

“Well?” Twilight asked, a smug look on her face.

Wrex picked it up and opened it, glancing at it before smirking. “It says you need new friends. I think the princess thinks I took you drinking again.”

Later…

“Foals! I am Nightmare Moon and—”

Nightmare Moon dodged out of the way when the balcony was obliterated after a really loud bang. She peeked from behind the curtain at the dragon-creature and the purple unicorn, both holding strange weapons and pointing them at her.

“Alright, you whimpering excuse for a pyjak, I’m giving you one chance, and one chance only,” Twilight Sparkle called, centering her sight on the alicorn’s head. “Either you tell me where Sun-Butt is right now, or I’ll tear you to so many pieces a vorcha wouldn’t be able to scrape enough to make it a meal!”

“Hehe, you called her Sun-Butt.”

“Shut up, Wrex! It’s your fault! You call her that all the time!”

“Hey, it was either that or Sunny-Spanky-Butt.”

“I do not want to remember that night.”

“Hehehe,” Wrex smirked. “But she does.”

Twilight shook her head. “Do you know how we had to explain to everypony why the sun went up and down all day that day?”

Wrex was about to respond when a very blushed white unicorn stepped up to them. “Um… excuse me, dears, but shouldn’t you have stopped Nightmare Moon from leaving the premises?”

Twilight blinked and noticed the unconscious guards. “Dammit.” She took a deep breath. “Wrex.”

“Sparkle.”

“We’re hunting tonight.”

Wrex’s grin made more than one stallion faint. “Good.” He pulled out a strange gun with little blue ammo. “And I have just the thing.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow.

“This,” Wrex shook the gun. “Is a Scorpion model. It makes things explode.”

Twilight’s eyes went wide. “Can I have one?”

Much later…

Wrex ran from behind a column to another, taking shots as he dodged meteorites and fireballs, before sliding next to Twilight, who was analyzing a round rock with her omnitool.

“Now I regret telling her to take us seriously!” He cackled, then gave Twilight an amused glance. “You know, I didn’t give you that so that you could play ball games while in battle!”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “It’s not a ball! It’s a magical artifact! All I need is to activate the others first!”

“And how do you do that?” Wrex asked, brushing pieces of rock that cascaded around him.

“I already gave them to the others, they should be activating soon!”

Wrex glanced at the new ‘recruits’. “A dress maker, a cellist, a dj, a speedster and a cute pegasus that can’t see straight. Is this a strategy or do you want to break into show business?”

“Fools!” Nightmare Moon cackled. “You cannot defeat me! You don’t know how to use the Elements of Harmony!”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Nightmare Moon!” Twilight challenged, shooting her Geth Shotgun at full-power and blowing part of the wall behind the alicorn into debris. “We can defeat you! And even if I don’t know how to use the Elements, I don’t give a shit!”

Wrex pretended to wipe a tear from his eye. “They grow up so fast.”

Nightmare Moon growled and threw Twilight across the room.

Twilight rolled as soon as she landed, absorbing most of the momentum, until she slid to a stop next to the other mares. “Well? Do you feel anything?”

“This is pointless!” Octavia snapped. “Just give me one of those gun things and let’s forget the trinkets!”

“I’m with Tavi!” Vinyl Scratch nodded. “There’s no way these things can do anything other than weigh us down!”

Twilight gave her a flat stare. “Really? Then why is Derpy shrouded in light and hovering in a magical field that looks conspicuously like a muffin?”

“Well darling, I’m sure I don’t know!” Rarity said. “But why don’t we just blast off that alicorn and get done with it? She has horrible fashion sense! Armor like that is so… dark ages.”

“Derpy!” Twilight called, ignoring her new friends. “What did you do?”

The pegasus shrugged. “I just felt bad for Vinyl, she hurt her ankle so I tried to bandage it!” She looked down. “But I didn’t have any bandages.”

“Oh, is that all you need, darling? Rarity asked, pulling off the fancy cape she had been wearing and tearing a long piece off. “Here why don’t you… wowowowow!”

Rarity levitated off the floor and was encased in magic as well.

“ANY TIME NOW!” Octavia shouted, shaking her and mane tossing a grenade. “She’s starting to use lightning bolts and death rays!”

As if to prove her claim, the collapsed column they were hiding behind exploded into pieces.

“I’ve got it!” Twilight shouted. “I know the secret!”

“FOALS! It’s too lat—!”

Nightmare Moon collapsed, revealing Wrex standing behind her, having used his shotgun to render her unconscious.

“What?” he asked when Twilight glared at him. “I got tired of waiting.”

Twilight huffed. “Fine. We’ll shoot her with the magical rainbow death ray while she’s down. They’ll sing songs about this for ages to come.”

Wrex chuckled. “Only if they find out. The way I remember it, she was raining comets on us.”

Twilight paused. “Yes. I remember that too. Now, for the ray thing.”

Even later...

“...and that’s how we discovered the powers of the Elements of Harmony, and released you and Princess Luna from the Nightmare.” Twilight finished explaining to a thoroughly confused Celestia.

“I understand that, Twilight,” Celestia nodded. “What I don’t understand is why Wrex also has an element? Traditionally, there were only six. I know. I used them.” She deadpanned.

Wrex chuckled, patting Celestia on the flank. “It’s okay, Sun-Butt, this element is the element of badass.”

“It looks just like you,” Octavia pointed out.

“Exactly.” Wrex stretched. “Now, let’s go home. And shoot some critters on the way.”

The mares looked at each other before Twilight shrugged. “Hey, I don’t see why not. Didn’t you want to try that Graal Spike Thrower, Octavia?”

Octavia smiled. “Yes, I did.”

“Cool!” Rainbow Dash grinned. “I think I saw a manticore in the forest!”

Celestia watched the group walk out of the ruins, the feeling of Wrex’s claw on her flank still there.

“What have I unleashed upon Equestria?”

End Chapter 1

Author's Notes:

I don't think I should have to explain that this is not serious.

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