Whew. Being Overlady sure was a handful. That much has been made clear the last few days. Still, for all the new responsibilities I found myself with, I now had the added luxury of being my own boss. How great was that? I worked when I want, where I want, as much as I want. If I wanted to take a day off, boom, done. If I wanted a lackey (Lyra, mostly) to bring me a mug of cocoa or a snack while I lounged on my sweet throne, that was good too, but by far one of the best perks I enjoyed is that there's no set time for me to wake up.

Eeyup.

I could spend the better part of a hour snuggly wuggly in my bed while the haze of sleep lifted from me, and I really enjoyed it. By far one of the best parts of my day. So when I wake up, greeted with the unpleasant and quite painful feeling of several little knives stabbing into my tongue, you can understand how the day would already be ruined for me.

With a gurgled scream that would do the mother of all banshees proud, I was rudely awakened to a searing pain and the taste of blood in my mouth. Flailing and tossing around, I eventually found my face saying howdy-do to the stone cold floor. Great, now I can add a possibly broken nose and a bruised chin.

Panicking, on instinct, I flung a series of powerful Corruption Bursts in all directions, while the pitter patter of Minion feet signaled my loyal kobolds, who burst through the door, weapons drawn, chanting war cries that turned to panic as a couple of them were caught in the lightning only to fall, a twitchy, smoky mess. Oops.

"My Lady! What is the meaning of this?" Gnarl demanded as he stepped over one of the felled, twitching Browns. "Why do you scream like a nagging housewife so early in the morning? Are you on one of your 'days'?"

A series of gurgled insults and curses was my only response, hands over my mouth and eyes shut in pain. Luckily, my enhanced Overlord healing quickly stopped the blood flow that nearly choked me. The overall tongue, though, that was another story. Moaning miserably, I gingerly removed my hands, stood up and made for the nearest mirror, ignoring the Minions' inquisitive looks and I think I saw Giblet poking one of his fallen compatriots with the base end of his halberd.

A quick once over did not paint a pretty picture, further fueling my already foul mood. Those Corruption Bursts had not been kind to my belongings. Furniture lay smoking, splintered and in tatters. Scorch marks dotted the floor, walls and ceilings. The curtains and banners spread throughout my chambers were either in tatters or ablaze and my awesomely soft bed was a mangled, charred mess. All in all, not the best way to start my day.

"M-master! Are you alright?" I heard Lyra's voice cry out, but saw no trace of her. I spotted her by the magical aura that enveloped a grumbling Brown, hovering in the air just in front of a vaguely equine shape. Apparently, minty horse had used the hapless Minion as a living meat shield. Releasing her hold on the Brown, who quickly scampered off, grumbling and shooting glares at my oblivious lackey, Lyra came closer and no sooner did I opened my mouth that her eyes went wide and she gasped, bringing a hoof to her mouth. "Master... your mouth..."

Fighting the urge to panic, I lunged for the nearest mirror. The sight was not pretty, no siree. Bedhead did not suit my normally ravishing looks at all. Blood smeared over my face and hair and my eyes had that haggard look to them. Ugh, good thing Zinnia's not here to see me like this.

I inspected my mouth, but didn't see what freaked out Lyra. Looked pretty normal, really. Deciding instead to get a good look at my poor, poor tongue, I opened my mouth and...

"What the fuggin' fraaaak!"

My teeth! What happened to my teeth?! Why are my pearly whites replaced with... with... fangs?! I used my fingers to stretch my cheeks as far as they could go. Every single non-molar of my teeth were replaced with Alucard-level fangs.

Turning to my Minions, who murmured in approval of my new set of chompers, I spotted the walking, wrinkled walnut.

"Explain!" I ordered while pointing to my new teeth.

Gnarl's mug brightened in glee. "Ah, I see Your Ladyship. This is good news, good news indeed," he chortled while rubbing his gnarled hands. "This is a good sign, my Lady. It is standard procedure that the Overlord's body undergo changes as Your Evilness grows in power. Your teeth are only one of many possible changes the blessing of the Overlord may bestow upon you. And may I say, my Lady, you look more like an evil ruler already," he said in glee before devolving into sinister cackles. The other Minions too voiced their approval and some even performed a little dance.

Both hands covered my face as I let out a long, aggravated growl. It's too early to deal with this shit. Harpbutt was still there, not knowing whether to worry or join in with the Minions' cheers.

"Lyra. Coffee. Now." I growled in a low voice.

Minty horse immediately took on the proverbial picture of the deer in the headlights. Eyes wide, body frozen and ears erect. Slowly, a sheepish smile graced her features, her head lowered, ears folded back and begun to tap her front hooves timidly. "Ah... well, you see, Master, the thing is... I... may have, kinda, sorta, possibly..." She sucked in a breath, head turning and eyeing me warily. "Drank the last of it."

"HEARTSTRINGS!"

[…]

The door to the throne room opened, where my most faithful lackey/thrall meekly poked her head in.

"What?" I snapped irritably. I still hadn't forgiven Lyra for that little debacle a few hours ago. Minty Horse had felt the full extent of my wrath, as it should be, given she made an already shitty morning even shittier by performing the most unforgivable crime of downing the last of my morning Joe.

Feeling particularly vindictive, I'd sent the hapless unicorn on a quest to immediately fetch me the best coffee beans she could get her little hooves on. I didn't bother with the details and merely left it up to her how she'd go about doing it. Whatever it was, it must have made for an interesting story, for Minty Horse now returned, holding a steaming mug of Joe in her magic as she slowly trotted towards me.

I couldn't help but quirk an eyebrow. Lyra's mane, usually minty and white now looked singed and blackened with soot. A trail of what looked to be dried blood evident coming from one nostril, her knees scraped, a black eye and she was apparently out of breath. Truly, my lackey had an interesting story to tell.

But I didn't care about that at the moment, no siree.

"Well?" I asked as Minty Horse stopped at the foot of my throne.

Swallowing audibly, Lyra presented her offering. "M-medium dark roast, grown in the hills of Neighcaragua, espresso-ground and steeped for two minutes, Prench-pressed. Just the way you like it, Your Evilness."

I took the offered drink, eyeing it critically. It passed inspection and after some deliberation, I took a sip. "It is acceptable," was my verdict.

Heaving a sigh of relief, Lyra fell on all fours, well, you know what I mean. Mare looked like she'd been through hell. Eh, I was still kinda pissed anyway. I dismissed my lackey to go freshen up and take care of herself, which she readily did and shortly after, Gnarl came in, giving the day's report. Apparently, since our tower was doing well, we'd now started to get a rodent problem. Well, not so much a problem for my kobolds, who considered the little vermin delicious snacks, but oh well.

Oh, and also, Gnarl had heard through Patches that our supply of precious gems and metals, was steadily declining. Not surprising, considering we'd been hoarding them like crazy, with Onyx and sometimes even Zinnia eating away at the gems like they were sweets and Welder churning out literal tons of armor and weapons of all kinds to equip my loyal Minion troops with. We'd have to start expanding real soon if we didn't want our well to dry up.

Gnarl proposed when this took place, we reform the tunnels as an extension of the tower, with secret passages, rooms, booby traps and other evil accoutrements. Not a bad idea, Dungeon Keeper-ish in its entity, really and no sooner did I start to engage him in a serious conversation about it (turns out, he was actually kind of pleasant to talk to when he got in his businessman mode. Who knew?) that the door to the throne room opened with a rather violent bang.

Gnarl squawked in surprise while I jumped slightly in my throne, for running towards us, arms and limbs flailing like a windmill, was a Brown who had seen better days. The little guy was smeared with some unholy stinking gunk from head to toe, some kind of weed like plants hung from his ears, giving the image of hair growing out of them and the spear he held onto was bend like it had been used to whack someone over the head with it repeatedly.

"Gizzard!" Gnarl admonished in his stern old guy voice, even going so far as to shake his walking stick in the typical way of a Grandpa trying to shoo some youngins off his lawn. "What is the meaning of this? I made it clear our Lady and I were not to be interrupted during our report? Do you want to be hung by your ears?"

The Brown, apparently named Gizzard (who comes up with these names anyway?) bowed low and began to jabber away in rapid fire, uh, Minionese. I dunno. Anyway, Gnarl's wrinkled visage of annoyance and anger slowly gave way as the younger kobold chattered away, complete with exaggerated gestures, eyes bulging out and nearly foaming at the mouth.

Gnarl now looked very much pensive as he stroked his chin evilly and dismissed Gizzard, who bowed once more before scampering out the room, closing the door shut.

"You gonna make me ask, walnut? What was all that about?" I asked once we were alone once more.

The ancient Minion turned slowly, a sinister, triumphant smile on his weathered mug. Kinda creepy, really. "Good news Milady!" Gnarl declared triumphantly.

Great and right now, all I needed was a red-head, a cyclops and a robot to make this one complete.

"Do I really want to know?" I asked, eying Gnarl carefully almost afraid he would suddenly don a white coat and ridiculous thick glasses.

Giving me a smile that managed to make my skin crawl, Gnarl held up one of his spindly fingers. "Hmm, I would say so Milady, very much so. For you see, Gizzard just told me that he had found something, something very important to your Ladyships campaign of darkness and evil in this horrible land."

Taking a long sip from my coffee, I signaled my adviser to go on. Geez, now he had made me curious.

"Well, you see Milady, it seems that Gizzard just managed to locate an object that is brimming with the might of the Dark Ruler. From what I managed to glean from his ramblings, he found this object in a large swamp just north-east from our current location, sprawling out at the base of the mountains who surround these dreaded wastelands we happened meet in. I think these swamps are called the Hayseed Swamps if the map in the tactical room is anything to go by."

The Hayseed Swamps. Hmm, I didn't know much about them. Really, all I gleaned from the show is that they are home to a bunch of backwoods, inbred yokels straight out of Deliverance and some weird pits that shot out fire. Oh, and the chimera. Can't forget the chimera. Darkness, I hate chimeras!

"And did Gizzard say what kind of object this was?" I already had a sneaking suspicion, but just wanted to make sure.

"Unfortunately no, my Lady. Minions can sense magic, and all Gizzard was able to glean from it is it contained large amounts of dark power, not unlike that of Your Evilness."

Ah, a Minion artifact then? Oh, hell yeah! Wonder what it did? Extra health, larger Mana pool, increased number of my Minion forces?

"This is good news, Gnarl. Very good news indeed," I chuckled and steepled my fingers in a manner Mr. Burns would be proud of. "We need to recover this object immediately."

Gnarl nodded and bowed. "Very well my Lady. I shall assemble a team of our most able-bodied Minions to go and retrieve this object for Your Evilness."

"That won't be necessary," I cut in and stood from my throne, grabbing the Beast and my helmet, placing them onto my hip. "I will personally take this little mission. Call off your kobolds but have them on stand-by. I'll call them if I need them."

Gnarl looked curious for all but a second before he agreed and left me to my own devices. Now why do I think that if I were a guy Overlord he'd insist on me taking kobolds to cover my sweet ass? I wouldn't be surprised if he secretly hoped I'd get killed or something so that he could take the throne himself like almost all the fanbase speculated was his ultimate goal.

Anyway, I had better things to occupy my mind. After he went out, I sent Gnarl a mental link, ordering him to tell Lyra to meet me in the main hall of my tower. I didn't have to wait long and not a minute passed after I arrived that Lyra did as well, only...

"What are you wearing?"

Before me stood Minty Horse but now she was decked out in some kind of long, hooded cloak that concealed half of her face in its shadows and just to be sure, she wore some kind of half mask that covered her upper face that looked kinda baroque to me, made of porcelain and... was that gold? Friggin´ ponies and their ridiculous riches! Anyways, the cloak also hid her barrel and her hind legs, leaving only her front legs out in the open and speaking of front legs, they now stuck in some kind of, well, arm warmers for the lack of better words which seemed to be made of the same material as the cloak. Both in such a pitch black, it looked like someone had emptied an ink-well all over Lyra.

"Do you like it Master? I made it all by myself in order to look the part of a proper servant." Lyra chirped, doing a little swirl on the spot to show all of her outfit of to me. As she did that, I noticed that the cloak had my helm sigil stitched onto its back in a deep red, not unlike the faux cutie mark of my pony form.

In short, Lyra looked like your stereotypical cannon fodder cultist and I wasted no time in telling her so. That however did not seem to have the desired effect as she actually took it as approval from my side, doing another one of her little happy dances. Which of course, given her attire, looked all the more comical.

Groaning, I did the sensible thing and dragged my hand down my face.

"Okay, your new cosplay aside Lyra, I guess you wonder why I have called for you?"

Stopping her dance, amber eyes looked up to me, little twinkles of excitement clearly visible. "Yes Master," she nodded before gasping "Oh, are we going to conquer Canterlot now and you need me to lead you and your Minions through the old catacombs in order to surprise Celestia and Luna and take the Royal Guard on the wrong hoof? Oh, and you must also deal with the Bearers of the Elements. I could personally lead a team of your best Minions to go and kill them all in their sleep! Oh, but they have families as well and we can't leave any witnesses so..."

O~ookay, that I had to catalogue for later use but for now I had to nip Lyra´s enthusiasm in the bud before this could derail in so many ways. Unhinged mare was unhinged! "Wow, hold our horses there. For now, we are going on a little expedition to the Hayseed Swamps in order to retrieve a Overlord artifact that somehow ended up there."

At this, Lyra´s enthusiasm evaporated visibly and I could not help but to pat her head in a consoling manner "Hey now, don´t be sad my loyal servant. It is still early in my little campaign while the Celestial Sisters are clearly the final encounter. There will be still a lot of opportunities for Regicide and all sorts of backstabbery to national heroines by my best undercover agent."

That did it as Lyra´s ears became erect again and this lovely little psychotic smile grazed her muzzle again. Which like many times before really made me wonder just how broken a mare she had been before and how much of all this was the work of my spell?

"Anyways, because I feel like it and I still need to see what you can do in the field, I decided to take you with me as my loyal companion slash pack-mule on this little quest. So, seeing as you already have your ass in your gear, we will now be off to have us a whooping adventure filled to the brim with blood and loot. What do you say Lyra?" I declared with as much pomp as one could inject into such a statement.

"Buck yeah!" My horsey lackey cheered, rearing in her hind legs and shot a little bolt from her horn that exploded into an admittedly impressive firework display of red, blue and green blooms. Could all Unicorn ponies even do that? Huh. Lyra's excitement did not last long, for she seemingly caught herself and added more somberly "I mean, yes of course Master. I am as ready as I ever can be."

"Then let's stop wasting time. Gizzard! Where are you?" I barked aloud and said Brown scampered soon after, decked in a cuirass and halberd. He would serve as our guide to this so called object seing as he was the only one who really knew where to look. After double checking we had everything we needed, I opened a portal through which Gizzard quickly leapt through. Lyra... she needed a little more convincing, seeing how she was leery about heading in. Well, not so much convincing as I grabbed her by the scruff of her neck and flung her forward, but it all worked out. I followed after, ready to get my evil mitts on that object and take a further step to becoming the best Overlady I could be.

[…]

Three minutes. That's all I needed to form an intelligent opinion of the Hayseed Swamps, namely, they sucked ass!

Now, I probably could have used a little more foresight before jumping in to uncharted territory. Turns out, navigating through a swamp decked in full, heavy, plate armor was not the best way to go about it. Who'd a thunk it, right?

And don't even get me started on the mosquitoes. Darkness, the mosquitoes...

They followed us around like an ever-buzzing, incessantly annoying cloud. Gizzard didn't mind, as he was a Minion and believe it or not, Minions don't even have blood. Weird, I know, but every time my kobolds sustained lethal injuries they just kinda dissolved into a fittingly colored cloud of nothingness. Hell, he actually seemed to like it as he tried constantly to chomp his way through the little buggers, eating them like so many jellybeans.

He was the only one enjoying himself, that's for sure. Minty Horse had tried to form a shield around her and this did work pretty well. However, it was also a rather draining sort of spell and so she had to quit it quickly enough. Pretty sure she got the worst of it too. Me, the bugs all got to me in my precious mug and whatever little bits of skin remained exposed like my upper arms. That and the fact I had sweet, sweet hands made my ordeal so much easier.

Lyra? She was miserable. With her clumsy hooves, she couldn't swat the little buggers as much as me and quickly enough, her little fuzzy mug became swollen with mosquito bites. It got so bad she had to cover her face entirely, not even able to see, and managed to follow only because I allowed her to hold on to my hand with her mouth as Gizzard led the way.

Ah, and the place really did live up to the 'swamp' schtick. We had to wade through fetid, murky water that reached well into my thighs and I had to carry Lyra on more than one stretch to keep her from drowning and of course, all that water added weight to my armor as my cloths soaked themselves full, making movements all the more laborious and if that wasn't enough, I'm pretty sure I felt a large, slimy something touch my leg more than once. So yeah. All in all, it was an even shittier day.

Luckily, fortune seemed to smile upon us and the waters and mosquitoes were now left behind. Solid ground at last and Lyra literally fell to her little pony knees and promptly started to kiss and praise the solid, if still slightly moldy smelling and mossy earth. I too took the opportunity to rest. Man, this was some mean terrain! Gizzard looked quizzically at us, not even tired. Smug little shit with limitless magical stamina...

He then led us further ahead where, wouldn't you know it, those very same fire pits from the show resided. Lyra was too miserable to treat them with little more than wariness and contempt but Gizzard, with his boundless Minion energy awed at the sight. The little kobold took to scouting ahead, leaving Lyra and I to try and catch up and once we did, Gizzard had already caught, uh, I dunno. Some kind of swamp rat? It looked like a mangy mess of wet fur and a long worm tail. Thing was creepy, easily as large as a small dog and Gizzard had speared it from end to end, holding it over the fire pits and whistling a cheerful tune as he waited for his meal to get cooked by the gouts of flame that whooshed out of their little geysers all around us.

I admit, by this point I'd already worked up an appetite, what with skipping lunch in my excitement and the thorough workout I'd just endured. Normally, I would not hesitate to demand of the kobold that he share the grub, but there was no way I'd be eating that thing, nuh-uh! After holding the disgusting mess over the opening for what felt like a whole minute without anything near the long and quite deadly tongues of flame happened, the little kobold did something that was just worthy of getting him a place in this 'Dumb ways to die' animation. He put his rat-kebob aside and, no shit, stuck his whole head in the geyser.

Three educated guesses what happened next to the little idiot who just dared to so blatantly challenge Mister Motherfucking Murphy? Yes, not sooner had Gizzard stuck his head into the natural death trap down to his shoulders as I felt a rumble from down below and only a second later, a massive flame erupted out of the geyser that looked like a actual dragon had let loose.

All I could do was sitting on the tree stump that served as temporal chair for me to recover my stamina, my face the mother of all deadpans as I watched the braindead Minions body go ramrod stiff in midair like in a old cartoon only to fall to the ground like a limp ragdoll shortly before the flame extinguished. His head, not surprising, was gone, with a clean hole burned between his shoulders.

"Fucking idiot..." I muttered, feeling the annoyance reaching new levels as I watched Gizzards remains dissolve into a skull shaped cloud of live energy. Lyra scratched at her mosquito bite riddled face, barely registering the kobold's demise.

"Can we go home, Master?" She asked sullenly.

"No." She slumped and I swear, she looked like she was about to cry.

These freaking ponies...

[...]

"Ah, Master... I don't want to sound like a neighsayer or that I doubt your abilities but, um, do you know what you're doing?" Minty Horse asked as I led the way deeper into the swamps.

"Yes. Shut up," was my clipped reply. I was in no mood for this shit, I really wasn't.

Lyra did as ordered. Well, for all of a few seconds at least.

"It's just that," she began uncertainly. "Gizzard's the one who knew where this object is, and with him gone... well, do you know how to get there?"

"We'll look."

Minty Horse did not appear satisfied, but she sighed sadly and shut up, hanging her head, looking as miserable as can be. Ugh, I felt my little black heart ache just the tiniest bit, but I was fully committed to this. I couldn't back out now.

And yes, I'll admit that trudging blindly through a swamp is definitely not gonna go down as one of my best ideas, but I can be stubborn like that. Of course, I wasn't about to admit this to my lackey. I had an image to uphold after all.

Ugh, and what was it with this fog? I could barely see three meters ahead of me. Stupid swamp with its stupid bugs and its stupid fire pits and its stupid fog and stupid Minions. They're all just stupid!

No, Umbra. Calm down. Deep breaths, deep breaths. It's not all bad. I mean, hey at least I hadn't run into a chimera.
...I probably shouldn't have thought that. Now I have to be on the lookout for Murphy again lest he sneaks up on me again.

"Damn, I can't see in this," I muttered. "Hey, Lyra. Gimme a light, would you?"

Instead of hearing my lackey's obedient response, I only got silence. Annoyed, I turned to address the sulky little Unicorn.

"Hey, Heartstrings, I said to..." Uhh, where was Lyra? She was right behind me not a moment ago.

"Lyra?" I called out in a louder voice.

Silence.

"Lyra this is not funny!"

Nothing. Goddamn it. Heaving an aggravated growl I used my Ley Vision to spot the nearest source for a Minion portal. To my amazement, the whole area around me was dotted with them. Well, that was useful for a change. I opened a portal from which thirty five gibbering kobolds shot out, garbed in armor and sporting lethal weaponry, ranging from curved swords to lethal halberds.

"Alright, puppies, listen up," I clapped my hands for emphasis. "I want you to divide in groups of five and go search for Lyra. That's my loyal lackey, remember. Not a sheepie or an enemy so I want you to go look for her and bring her unharmed and alive." The prospect of non-violence could be heard as the kobolds groaned in disappointment, but a quick glare on my part had them scurrying off to do my will.

Waiting... waiting...

Still misty.

I think something moved way over there...

Darkness, how much longer?!

No sooner was I about to set a nearby tree on fire to stave off the boredom that a voice could be heard cutting through the stillness of the swamp. So my Minions finally found Minty Horse. Good. I'd have a good and unpleasant talk with her once they dumped her in my lap.

But then... something was off. The voice grew closer, yelling, shouting and throwing insults and curses. Rougher and more mature than Lyra's own tones. Kinda scratchy, yet not fully a Rainbow Dash but pretty close. Who did my Minions find?

"Oh, no..." I muttered in dread as five happy kobolds came into view, dragging along a pit helmet wearing, dirty, swearing like a whole boat of Russian sailors and bound Daring Do!

I was halfway tempted to crack open the kobolds skulls then and there to see if I would find an 'I.O.U. one brain' paper slip in there as they dragged the swearing, light gold colored mare over to me. As the Indiana Jones of Horseyland beheld me in all of my glory, her litany of colorful words instantly died as she gazed upon my majesty in nothing but sheer awe.

Aw yeah, that was how it as supposed to be. Gaze upon your future Queen, no, Empress and...

"Who the bloody buck are you? Some kind of disfigured Minotaur or did Ahuizotl conjure up some kind of weird spirit from Tartarus to try and get rid of me?"

Aa~and like that, I just by a hairs wide managed to avoid a anime breakdown at the totally nonplussed way Daring just burned me.

After I regained my composure, I stared down at the monochrome maned Pegasus. "Well, you´re not far off with the Tartarus part, though I am none of those man-cows and this Ahuizotl could not even dream of conjuring someone of my caliber even if he were to sacrifice one thousand virgins on a new moon. No, I, my dearest raider of rare relics, am no one else but the Overlady, the Ruler of the Netherworld and Mistress of these braindead little Minions who managed to catch you somehow." The last part I said with so much acid in my voice that it could have dissolved Mithril.

"Yeah, never heard of you." Daring replied, idly struggling in her bonds. "So why don´t you just let me go before I am forced to whoop your flanks so hard that even your grandfoals will still feel it?"

Well, gotta give it to her, that mare got moxxy. But to quote the Joker on this occasion 'I feed moxxy to the Hyenas!' Or to the Minions in this case.

Hehe, oh yes, so easy right now. Just a simple command and no more Daring Do, just some life force for mói and a meal for my loyal Minions. We could start off with her wings, make her beg for the end.

Pegasi wings, so sensitive.

So fragile.

And stop right there!

There is a time and a place for bloody slaughter but not now in a gods forsaken swamp, with no plan where to go and my first Non-Minion (and very vital) servant missing.

C´mon, think girl, use that noggin of yours for something else than witty remarks, hilarious pop culture references and being irresistible charming.

From what I knew about Miss Do here, she was the Indiana Jones of the show, always a~huntin´ for some rare artifact to foil some cheesy villains obscure plans. So why was she here, in the Hayseed Swamps, the butt-crack of Equestria?

Hmm, artifacts... Could it be? Could Daring be, by some ridiculous cosmic fluke, after the very same artifact that I came here for? Knowing my luck, she probably was.

Shit. Shit, shit, shit! This could throw all kinds of massive monkey wrenches into my plans but then again... if Daring was really after my artifact, she probably knew where it was located being the professional she without a doubt was. No doubt she believed it to be some kind of pony relic and would pawn it off in a random museum for the ignorant, unwashed masses to gawk at. The mere thought of my rightful artifact relegated to some corny tourist's attraction made my blood boil, but I quashed down the feeling as soon as it began.

Come on, Umbra, think. What to do, what to do...

The answer came quickly enough, much to my surprise, that being, use Daring herself to find my artifact. Mare was resourceful if nothing else. Yes, she most definitely had to have an inkling where it lay.

That, I could dastardly use for my own benefit.

I had to stop myself from wringing my hands and cackle sinisterly. It was perfect. Oh, so perfect. Should I play my cards right, I could wheedle whatever information Pony Jones knew from her little head and then... I dunno, send her packing or something. Yeah, I liked the sound of that, fittingly diabolical for someone like me.

"Hey, are you going to stare holes into the air any longer or are you going to do something? I´m a busy mare, you know? I have places to be, artifacts to find, evil plans to foil. You know, the usual," the rough voice of Daring Do interrupted my musings. I looked down and there she was, still struggling in her ropes but I could see that they were starting to become loose as her movements became more noticeable. If I were to leave her like this, she would free herself pretty soon if I had to guess.

That of course, I could not have, seeing as it would ruin my chances to gain brownie points in order to manipulate Daring.
"Oh, please do excuse me Miss Do. It seems that we got each other at the wrong foot, or hoof in your case. Here, let me help you." I said amicably, snapping my fingers and sending the mental command to free the mare but nothing else, which my Browns did with quite confused expressions. Daring tensed as the Browns converged around her, probably not helped by the fact they still wielded their lethal weaponry, but relaxed considerably when they cut her bonds and stepped back.

"There, is that not better?" I asked, extending my hand "How about we introduce us now like civilized beings? My name is Umbra, it is a pleasure to meet you, Miss Daring Do."

The Pegasus eyes immediately shrunk to, might I say, dangerous slits as she registered that I called her by her name several times already.

"Why do you know my name and from who?" She asked with a slight growl, her wings ruffling against her side.

Giving her my widest smirk, I answered "Oh, I know things. Many things, Miss Yearling." With distorting my voice via magic at the last parts to sound just the part of the demonic Dorito himself.

If she was wary of me before, now Daring was positively ready to bust heads open. Her wings flared open and her body lowered, muscles tensing in preparation of battle.

How adorable!

"Now, now, let´s not be hasty," I said placably, showing the combat-ready little mare my open palms while I cracked the mental whip on my ever so loyal, battle hungry Minions as they were about to sink their steel into Daring's tender flesh. The kobolds kept their distance, but just to be sure, they clanked their weapons, allowing Daring to see she was indubitably, laughably, outnumbered.

Her eyes flashed to the Minions for but a split second before returning to me and while her stance did ease off a bit on the aggression factor, her muscles remained tense and ready to spring into action at a moment's notice. "Who. Are. You?" The adventurous mare demanded from me and I decided to indulge her. For now.

"Why, I am nothing but a plain, run of the mill demon queen, who is lost in this awful swamp while looking for her lost, loved servant." I put a hand on my helmet's forehead like a drama queen, letting a suffering sigh be heard "Oh, woe is me. Isn´t there anyone kind enough to show me the way, to help me out of my misery? A valiant knight or... a brave adventurer maybe?" I could barely hide my amusement as I saw all kinds of confusion play over Daring´s fuzzy mug. Hell, I didn't even mind that the glint of fear and apprehension in her eyes was replaced by befuddlement, no doubt questioning my sanity.

"Don't play around. How do you know who I am? How did you find out my public identity?"

"Honestly? I didn't," I lied easily, a smug smile on my lips as I linked both hands on the back of my head. "I did have my suspicions, though and you, Miss Do, just confirmed them for me." The way her face fell nearly caused me to burst out laughing, and my Minions must have felt it, for they started tittering and chuckling in a rather sinister/creepy manner.

Face hoofing, all Daring could do was groan and I swear I heard her mutter 'Bucking horseapples!' under her breath, only adding fuel to my amusement.

Looking at me with a interesting look on her face that fluidly switched between the urge to murder me on the spot and the wish to life out the rest of her days as a roach eating hermit in a dark, dank cave on top of a lonely mountain.

"Okay, rookie mistakes aside that I never will be able to life down, how did you know?"

"The Overlady has spies everywhere, Miss Do," I said smoothly.

She quirked an eyebrow. "Overlady? Never heard of you."

"Then obviously I've been doing something right. So, why don't we just keep this whole thing between ourselves, hm?"

Daring groaned again, burying her face in a hoof. Whatever semblance of wariness and danger she harbored quickly receding, giving way to annoyance. "What do you want with me then, Umbra. Why did you have these... whatever they are," she said, gesturing to my kobolds. "Foalnap me?"

"Yeah, sorry about that," I said, slightly sincerely. "I didn't actually want to kidnap you, Daring. Can I call you Daring?" She nodded tersely. " I sent my Minions to find my... friend."

"Friend?"

"A pony, just like you, if you'll believe it?"

"How is a pony friends with something like you?" She asked rudely.

"Because Friendship is fucking Magic, that´s how!" I replied, likewise rudely.

She sighed, muttering something inaudibly. "You know what, whatever. If you don't have business with me then I'll just be on my way." She promptly turned, not even bothering with a proper goodbye. How rude...

"Actually..."

"What?"

"I was hoping you could help me out with a little something."

"Look, Umbra, you seem like a nice demon and all, but I'm a busy mare. If you need a hoof get your Goblins or whatever they are to do it."

"Minions, horsey, Minions. And only you, my most esteemed adventurer, slash, novelist can help me."

She narrowed her eyes, obviously still not crazy about me knowing her secret. "What is it?"

I took off my helmet, allowing Daring to see my face. Amusing as it was to screw with her, I really did need a helping hoof from her. She studied my mug with interest and even from our distance, I could see the explorer, adventurous side of her itching to come closer for a better look. Clearly, she'd never laid her pony eyes on as magnificent or unique a specimen as me.

"Daring, if I could be frank with you, I really do need your help. I came here with my friend Lyra. She's a unicorn pony from Ponyville and while walking through all this fog, we got separated not too long ago. Lyra... well, she's a friend. A really good one. And yeah, she's kinda annoying, a klutz and she screws up a lot, but she's my one and only pony friend. We got separated and I sent off my Minions to find her, but they came back with you, and Lyra is still nowhere to be found."

Daring listened with rapt attention. Her expression was hard to read. Nevertheless, she listened on and didn't interrupt.
"To put it bluntly, I'm worried about her. She's a simple pony and, damn it, I shouldn't have dragged her into all this in the first place, but I did and now she's off all lost and who knows where, all because of me. She could be getting farther away as we speak and I don't know what will happen if I don't find her soon. So, if you could, could you help me find my friend? I don't want anything to happen to her."

Daring said nothing but her ears began to swivel in the ear holes of her pit helmet and her wings began to open and close slightly as she began to do a little pacing in front of me.

"Of course it would not be to your disadvantage should you decide to aid me on this," I began anew, intending to drive this home "I know very well that you publish more or less abridged versions of your various adventure under the guise of entertainment novels. What would you say if I were to permit you the use of our encounter and all it might entail in your next book? Without going into much detail about my person, of course. I imagine a figure based on me would make quite a nice elder goddess or some other kind of ancient menace that got unleased by accident or even deliberately, maybe by the likes of Caballeron or even Ahuizotl. What do you say? Do we have a deal?" I asked, sooo wishing I could make my hands become engulfed in blue flames but that was far beyond my actual skills. Oh well...

Daring hummed, rubbing her chin with a hoof. "Where did you... wait, let me guess, your spies again?" At my nod, she continued "You actually have a point, I could think of several scenarios to make this encounter into a book."

"So, that´s a yes?"

Letting out a sigh, Daring looked at me, her eyes showing a surprising amount of steel in them "Okay Umbra, deal. But mostly since you genuinely seem to care about this Lyra mare and these swamps can be a really dangerous place for the unwitting."

Flashing Daring a honest smile I adopted a thoughtful expression myself. "Sooo~ Any ideas where to start?"

"I might have an rough idea..." Daring started but was cut short as the rest of my Minions finally returned to me, surprising the Pegasus visibly.

The lot of them where covered in the same gunk that had so thoroughly coated Gizzard but about six or seven of them where also covered in a familiar, dark red liquid.

Blood. My Minions where caked with blood!

My stomach clenched at the implications, seeing as how they were even holding souls in their clawed hands which they presented to me. Luckily, none of them was a blue one so that eliminated the chance that they, despite my strict orders, for some reason murderized Lyra in a bout of sheer dumbness. Instead, seven green orbs where presented to me, quickly vanishing in my gauntlets jewel.

"Just how many of these things do you have?" Daring asked, watching in fascination as the collected souls disappeared into my gauntlet. Not that she knew they were souls, thank Darkness. That would make things awkward...

"A whole tower full and then some. I guess somewhere around two hundred all in all, plus the dead ones who are still waiting to be brought back to life." I idly replied, inspecting my returned Minions. I noticed that some of them had traded their helmets against some kind of... well, it was hard to say what that was supposed to be. It kind of looked like burlap hoods that someone tried to reinforce by adding tree bark, small branches, bones from what I supposed belonged to these large dog-rats and even the occasional bird skull. I had to suppress the urge to groan. Who in their right minds would trade their solid iron helmets against this junk? Oh right, Minions!

"Why are your munchkins wearing traditional Hobgoblin-wear?"

"Huh?"

"Only Hobgoblins wear that kind of stuff," Daring pointed out.

"Hobgoblins?"

Daring shrugged. "Yeah, nasty little things. About this tall," Daring held up her hoof roughly at her eye level "looking like naked, wrinkly moles walking on their hind legs with long rat tails, buck teeth able to gnaw through nearly everything short of heavily enchanted steel given enough time. They wear robes and hoods cobbled together from old burlap bags, utilize flint weapons and tools and have some primitive form of shamanistic magic. Also, they are notorious tunnelers which leads to conflict quite often when they inhabit the same area as Diamond Dogs since these critters are not the brightest and keep digging into the Dogs burrows, ultimately collapsing them out of sheer dumbness."

"Interesting..." I muttered, tapping my chin in thought. "You thinking what I'm thinking?"

Daring smirked. "Obviously."

"Then we need to find these Gobbies. I assume they're the only creatures around here who could foalnap a pony for whatever reasons?"

"Pretty much. Everything else either wants to kill you or eat you."

So it was decided. Daring took the lead, trotting ahead of me and my Minions. The mare navigated the swamps with a practiced ease I couldn't help but be envious of. Surprisingly enough, she remained grounded, choosing not to fly.
Whether this was to conserve energy or to allow me to keep up was unclear.

Of course, while our Minions followed, I wasn't about to give Miss Do a good understanding of my forces. I took the gathered Minions while sending out a mental command to the others who had yet to return to remain out of sight as they followed, effectively keeping the bulk of my kobolds from the pony's eyes.

After ten minutes or so, I felt... something. There was a kind of magic to the air. Crude, wild, definitely and nowhere near as tamed as the one you found in a typical pony settlement. Yep, I could sense it. We were getting closer.

As we walked on, signs emerged something rudimentary intelligent was definitely living there. Gnarled trees had their bark scraped away, where the smooth wood would be carved with unintelligible signs and symbols. We spotted crude poles erected on the moist soil, decorated with the skulls of lesser creatures and from the trees hung desiccated corpses, long since dried out, of humanoid and ugly shapes, no doubt the Hobgoblins themselves which made me wonder for a short moment what they had done to deserve an end like this. And the smell. Darkness, the smell! The area stank like a dead cow's asshole! Something told me the Gobs were not too keen on the whole hygiene concept. Would make them great friends for the Greens, probably.

"Alright, we should be near the place now." Daring spoke up "Somewhere around here should be the village if my information's are not totally wrong."

True enough, we soon came across the first signs of something with actual sapiens lived here. On some kind of rickety platforms that elevated them above the swampy ground, equally rickety huts made of old, moldy looking plant material had been erected, only interrupted by the occasional tent made of mangy looking hides and others still carved into the massive roots of gigantic trees, not unlike Yoda's little hovel on Dagobah. Walkways that looked like they could not even withstand a light breeze spanned between the crude dwellings and solid patches of earth.

"Wow, this place looks like it smells and it smells like ass."

Daring gave me a blank stare, before turning around again, inspecting our surroundings warily. "Well, what do you expect? This place is located in a swamp, which has flaming geysers who spout sulfuric smoke in the air. Of course it smells of decay instead of a bouquet of roses! Doesn´t help that Hobgoblins are a pretty primitive race. I mean, who else would settle in a damn swamp?"

"Solid point but this leads me to the next question. If this is the village of these Hobgoblins, shouldn´t there be, dunno, Hobgoblins out and about? This place is almost deader than the political carrier of Bill Clinton."

"What do you expect? Hobgoblins are just barely above sapient. They're like animals in many aspects still."

"Well, we can't just sit here and twiddle out thumbs." I then turned to address my kobolds, who seemed to actually like the place. "Alright puppies, I command you to go and search for any Goblins that may still be about." The kobolds voiced their consent and scattered in different directions. "And don't kill them. I need them alive!" I added almost as an afterthought. Pretty sure they heard me though.

"Seems to me like your munchkins are a little kill-crazy," Daring remarked.

"Relax, Daring, they'll do as I say, so you have nothing to worry about."

The mare grumbled, eyeing me in distrust. "What exactly are you up to?"

"What do you mean?"

"A self-proclaimed demoness running around with a bunch of murderous little minions? I can spot unpleasant characters a mile away and something tells me you're up to no good."

I couldn't help but roll my eyes. "And if I am?" I met Daring's glare with my own, neither of us backing down. Heck we barely even registered the kobolds making a bit of a racket as they proceeded to literally turn the place over in their mad search for a Gob.

To my surprise, Daring backed off, closing her eyes and sighing. "You know what, do what you want. I've seen enough of your types to know how it's all gonna play out. Cliché'd really. You're gonna try to steal something, take over Equestria or the world or something along those lines and sooner or later, somepony will come to kick your flank all over the place. If it's not me, it'll be somepony else and you'll spend the rest of your miserable life in prison or plotting revenge or escape or whatever. Like I said, you villainous types are all the same."

The uppity little pony turned, completely turning her back on me and me? Well, I fumed silently, fixating my glare on Daring neck while I imagined closing my hands around it and giving her a good, old Homer. Wishful thinking for now, maybe once we found Lyra and Horsiana Jones had outlived her usefulness, I could give her a little comeuppance.

Luckily, before my silent seething made me see red, my lovely little munch... er, Minions returned. Two browns, holding down a squirming Gob. Ugh, they really were as ugly as Daring had described them, if not more. Almost looked like a molerat from Fallout, just uglier. This particular, miserable specimen wore little more than a loincloth/underwear, not unlike Gollum, making looking at him an unpleasant task in itself. Welts and liver spots dotted its pale, grey-pinkish skin. It's teeth—those that still remained, at least—looked more like baked beans than anything and its nose looked like it had partially been bitten off or even worse, just fell off by itself. Big, white marbles for eyes seemed to plop out of its skull from apparent terror and its hand and feet resembled a bizarre mix of paws and humanoid appendances, appearing to be not really useful for anything at all.

It was truly the picture book definition of a miserable sight!

Rubbing the bridge of my nose with my armored fingers, I stared down at the shaking pile of fugly before me. "Alright you ugly piece of swamp mold, let me make this short and easy. I came here with a pony, a green Unicorn. I know that your ilk took her for whatever reasons and I want her back! So, tell me, where is the green Unicorn?" I asked, forming my left into a claw and letting lightning come to life in it.

The Hobgoblin looked like it was about to soil itse... yeah, scratch that, it did soil itself! Uäch, that stunk even worse than the whole swamp in itself!

Swallowing the rising bile and taking a step back, I glared down at the Gob again, letting the Corruption spell flare to full life in my palm "I don´t take kindly to having something stolen from me, so answer me!" I barked at the pathetic excuse of a life form. From the corners of my eyes I could see Daring watching with an hard expression on her face, not that I cared that much.

Thankfully, the Hobgoblin finally seemed to have come to the insight that cooperating with me might be beneficial for its overall health, seeing as it began to... speak and I use that term loosely here.

It really where more making chitters, squeaks and grunts not unlike Rufus the sand puppy, with one or two real words sprinkled in the mix.

Of course this could not be easy for a change!

Thankfully Daring made herself useful once again as she trotted over to me and my ugly little prisoner. "He said that the whole village is at the sacred sacrificial grounds." Oh, boy I'm not liking this.

"Sacrificial grounds."

"Yes."

"Sacrificial grounds?!"

"Again, yes."

Oh, for the love of... Lyra could be dead already!

The Gob chattered gibberish while Daring tried her best to follow.

"He says your pony friend will become a... um, suitable offering to their... god? I think I got that right," she muttered while I was in the process of freaking out. "But don't worry. He says their god doesn't show up until nightfall, so..." She trailed off and looked upwards. Nothing but the canopy of the swamp. "I'll go and take a look." She spread her wings and took off, disappearing above the trees. "I got good news and bad news," she said after coming down. "Good news is it's still daylight out, so you friend's still alive, if what the Goblin said is true."

"And the bad?" I asked in trepidation.

"Nightfall's in about... eh, I'd give it fifteen to thirty minutes, so if we're gonna find your friend, we need to haul flank now."
Giving a mental link to my loyal Minions, they wrestled the soiled Gob to the ground and backed away. It tried to get back up, but a swift kick with an armored boot to the face sent it back down. From my peripheral vision, I could see Daring wince.

Grabbing one of the Minion's halberds, I placed the blade against the Gob's throat, puncturing the skin so that a thin trail of blood ran down. "Listen you, and listen well," I growled. "Do you want to die?" It shook its head frantically. Well, as much as it could with a blade taut against its neck. "Well unless you want a big, gaping hole where your throat used to be, you're gonna lead me and my friends to the unicorn. Is that clear?" I emphasized by making a shallow cut, drawing more blood.
By this point the Gob was well and truly sobbing, snot ran down its ruined nose. Pathetic...

It nodded and began speaking in that foul language.

Daring spoke beside me, her voice unusually subdued. "He says he will. Just don't kill him." Whether that's what it said or the request came from her, I did not know. I allowed the Gob to get back up and sent a command for my Minions to encircle him, just in case he got any stupid ideas like escaping or some shit.

"Lead the way," I gestured, the Beast in my hand.

[…]

"I don't like the look of this," Daring muttered from behind the tree. "There's gotta be at least over a hundred Hobgoblins in there."

"They shouldn't be a problem," I said with confidence. I had thirty five heavily armed kobolds on standby and ley lines aplenty near the sacrificial spot where Lyra stood, not to mention me. I could easily break a Gob with a well-placed swipe of the Beast and if for some reason that wasn't a killing blow, the poison would do its work. Also magic. Magic would do the trick should everything else fail.

The kidnapped Gob started jabbering in that crude language again.

"What now?"

"He doesn't want his friends to die," Daring informed me.

"That's entirely up to them." I replied flatly. Sure, living servants would do me good in a long run but these little root gnawers kidnapped Lyra, which meant they stole my property and that, I could not let slide. So if the insolent beasties would be stupid enough to even attempt to fight, I would have my Minions mince them. That would serve as good example and it would gain me lottsa souls.

The Gob chattered more. Daring listened closely.

"Will you shut up? I'm trying to think!" I snapped irritably.

Daring held up a hoof. "Wait, wait, I think you're gonna want to hear this." Ears stood erect atop her head as she tried to make sense of the Gob's jabbering. "Our friend says that if you step in and challenge their god in single combat, the rest of the Hobgoblins will not interfere with your fight, and... they will see you as... uh, their new goddess should you win?" She rubbed her head, probably thinking she got it wrong or something.

"Do I look like a crazy, muscle bound dwarf with only one eye left, who wears his hair in a giant orange Mohawk, is covered in blue tattoos and wields a war axe that once belonged to the dwarfish god of war himself?" I asked, slightly irritated "What is this god we are talking about anyways?"

While Daring was questioning the Gob again, I peeked around our cover and over the whole area in front of us. It was a relatively big area, maybe like a big parking lot, consisting of surprisingly dry ground. Several huge trees surrounded it and the last, moss covered remnants of some ancient looking stone buildings valiantly fought a losing battle against decay, giving the setting truly a standard fantasy setting of a stereotypical cult scene. Throughout the whole place, Hobgoblins scurried around, wearing mostly simple looking burlap robes or some kind of shorts from the same material and wielding brittle looking spears with stone tips. Some of the Gobs had decorated themselves with materials from the swamplands, like little animal skulls they wore on their heads, tree bark tied to their scrawny bodies like an attempt on armor or yet some others somehow managed to get their dirty mitts on a few bright feathers that they incorporated in tribal looking necklaces.

One Gob in particular stood out due to the fact that he wore one of these swamp dog-rat things in a typical shaman fashion and was waving around a stick that was decorated with feathers, small bones and had what looked like a unrefined gem as a headpiece. That and the way this Gob bossed its fellow critters around made it pretty clear that he had to be the head honcho. With a dirty smirk, I marked him or her, whatever, for an unavoidable death.

The most important thing though, was what stood behind all these fugly little beasts. On an elevated spot that looked like the remaining fundament of a building, stood a large stone pillar that immediately struck me as familiar. It was a Minion Pillar like those who one always could see standing behind the Overlords throne in the games, composed of four elements depicting a Brown, Red, Green and a Blue in that order with fittingly colored gems as the Minions eyes, ejectively forming a totem pole. And to this totem pole was tied a very familiar, equine figure. There she was, Lyra Heartstrings, her new cultist gear torn at places, sullied with mud and in her muzzle stuck a cloth gag to silence her swearing and cursing to a limited degree. We still were able to make out her inscrutable griping.

But first things first. I couldn't simply jump in like a charging rhinoceros. Well, I could, but if history is any indication, jumping in blindly is about the worst thing I could do. Not to mention the fact that bastard Murphy was probably wringing his hands together at this point, just itching for an opportunity to screw me over.

I opened a nearby Minion portal, causing Daring and the Gob to freak out and switched out ten of my Browns for Reds. The little devils jumped out, pumped and ready to slaughter, and slaughter they would. Reds were rather fragile as far as their constitution went. They couldn't take a lot of damage before expiring, but damn if they couldn't dish it out. Five Reds working together being supported by Browns and Greens to ensure they did not expire could torch almost everything with their surprisingly powerful little Firebolts.

Given the terrain we now found ourselves in, I knew a way to get around this. I sent a mental command to the little devils, Ignoring Daring's blistering glare. They scampered off where my Browns were waiting. Dividing into teams of two and three, the Reds, with assistance from the Browns, climbed up the trees, well away from the incoming battle site. They stalked forward among the branches like so many rabid monkeys, positioning themselves perfectly to take pot shots at my command.

With all the preparations done, all we had to do was waiting for this so called 'god' to show up. Luckily (or unluckily, depending on the point of view), we did not had to wait long as only minutes after my kobold troops had positioned themselves, the murky water not far away from the spot Lyra was standing began to come alive with motion. It began to bubble and a sizable wave made by something really, really big swimming just below the surface began to make a beeline to the sacrificial grounds.

Tightening my grip on my trusty mace, I could not help but to gulp. Holy shit, that wave alone was easily as big as Vivi´s Smart, so how big had the beast to be that made it?

With a smile that would have send Jigsaw running, the Multiverse kindly answered my question as, with a huge spray of stinking water, a huge reptilian monster broke through the surface, letting out a bone rattling roar that send the unwashed masses of Hobgoblins covering as they threw themselves in the dirt and I was inclined to follow that example as I beheld the god of the Hayseed Swamps for the very first time. Lyra for her part froze in apparent (and comprehensible) terror in her front row seat.

The best way to describe the monster that stared down at the assembled Gobs was as some kind of serpent. Its body was easily as thick as my own torso, covered in viridian-colored scales and long enough to be easily towering five meters over the water’s surface, with gods knew how much of its body still hidden in the murky depths. Two large finlike ear things in screaming red and yellow colors framed a massive head with a maw big enough that it probably could swallow a creature the size of a pony whole. Speaking of it its maw, even from my observation post I could see the rows of long, dagger like teeth that seemed to be made to tear tender flesh apart like no one’s business. Two pomelo sized, yellow eyes with slitted pupils swept over the covering Hobgoblins, almost as if daring anyone to meet its burning glare.

Fucking fuck and I was supposed to beat this monster?!?

"An amarezonian Water Serpent, I can´t believe it!" Daring gasped beside me, peering wide eyed around our cover beside me. "What is one of those doing here?"

"You know what this thing is?" I hissed, afraid that the serpent might hear me.

"Yes, encountered enough of them for the next four lifetimes during my time in the amarezonian rainforest. These beasts are basically the tropical cousins of Tatzelwurms, only way more intelligent to the point of rivaling Dragons!" Daring explained in an equally low voice.

Waitwaitwait, that thing was related to one of those three jawed, three tongued lovechild's of a Sandworm and a Graboid? And where as intelligent as a Dragon?

"Oh fuck my life!" I moaned miserably, glancing down at Daring and to my immense surprise, found the rough and tumble mare actually shiver and back away slowly.

"What´s the matter? Afraid of snakes Dr. Do?" I asked in an attempt to hide my own fear.

Daring reciprocated with a scathing glare "I hate serpents!" The Pegasus pressed through gritted teeth, alternating her glare at me and the object of her apparent phobia.

Before I could make a witty retort, a new voice filled the humid air, a voice like oil mixed with razor blades, smooth, low and cutting straight into the very soul of anyone listening.

It was the serpent.

Sweeping its head low enough to inspect Lyra, who at this point seemed half mad with fear, judging from the way she desperately tried to free herself from the robes holding her and screaming her head of into her gag. I was half wondering why she did not used her magic to free herself as I discovered that her horn was completely covered in some sort of purple-ish gunk that seemed to block her magic somehow.

"Hmm~ Is this your tribute? Is this mare the best you miserable worms could find to offer it to the mighty lord Xiuhcoatl?" The serpent hissed, the sheer sound of its voice making my skin crawl. Eugh, sounded almost like Parsel.

The head Gob humiliated itself in front of this Xiuhcoatl, soiling itself just like its brethren beside me. It fell to its knees, groveling in that foul language while the serpent merely looked annoyed.

"Cease you endless babble!" It boomed out and the Gob sank even lower. Really, no dignity or self respect. "Your offerings have grown more pathetic as of late. I will accept this pony, but be warned. My mercy only extends so far. If you do not bring a suitable offering before your god next time, it is you who will be traveling down my throat." The Gob—surprise, surprise—soiled itself yet again. In all honesty, I didn't think the serpent would actually carry through with its plan. I mean, who in their right mind would want to put those things in their mouth? Yech!

As the Goblins all groveled and whimpered pathetically, the serpent closed the distance between itself and Lyra, whose body was wracked by violent tremors, eyes big and watery, pitiful whimpers escaping the gag and in all honesty, I wouldn't blame her if she soiled herself too. Luckily, my most faithful lackey/thrall was made of sterner stuff than the swamp Gobs and managed to hold it together. I felt a slight wave of pride for her.

"If you're gonna help your friend, now's the time," Daring said, and she was right. Just to be safe, I sucker punched the Gob, who fell down like a sack of potatoes, well and knocked out. I tightened the grip on my Beast, allowing its weight and power to fill me with confidence. I could do this. I had to do this. A´right, Le~eroy Jenkins!

"Stop right there reptilian scum!"

In an instant, one hundred pairs of milky eyes, one pair of teary, amber eyes and one pair of hatefully burning yellow eyes focused on me.

"What did you just called me?" The bigass serpent hissed, its eyes on the verge of incinerating me with the sheer force of its hatred.

"Reptilian scum. What? Got your ear-holes clocked with swamp mud?" I replied, glaring back at Xiuhcoatl while I made my way towards him and Lyra.

That in turn seemed only to fan the inferno of the beasts wrath, judging from the fact that it roared at me and heaved some extra meters of its body out of the water, now almost brushing against the treetops. "You insignificant insect dare to speak to me like this? I am a descendant of the great Quetzalcoatl himself! I. Am. A. God!" Xiuhcoatl bellowed, sending the Gobs around me scrambling away in fear and I admit, for just a moment, I questioned the wisdom of my actions. Just for a moment though. "For your insolence, I will crush your bones to powder in my coils before I slowly drown you and then I will feast on your flesh and soul!" The pissed serpent proclaimed and readied itself to lunge for me.

"I challenge you!" I rushed out as fast as possible and not a second to early, as Xiuhcoatls head came to a stop not even centimeters before me.

"What?" The god of the swamps asked me, blinking owlishly which frankly, looked hilarious given the situation.

"Ya heard me. I, Umbra the Overlady, challenge you, Xiuhcoatl, God of the Hayseed Swamp, to a fight." I pointed at Lyra before continuing "This mare over there is my servant and my property, your Gobs stole her from me. Likewise did they steal the pillar she is tied to, for this is my property too. So I challenge you to a fight, you against me to settle this dispute once and for all." I declared with my strongest voice while staring straight into the serpents eyes.

"You?!" The serpent jeered in incredulity. "Do you believe a walking, talking abomination of a Diamond Dog and an ape such as yourself can stand against me? Me, the great and mighty Xiuhcoatl?!"

"I know so," I growled.

The impudent, oversized worm laughed. "Fine, I accept your challenge, mutant. Your robust body will provide me with sustenance for days to come."

Wow, did he just called me fat? Okay wormy, you will pay for that!

That thought nearly proved my undoing as it distracted me from the head on tackle Xiuhcoatl aimed straight at me. Luckily, I somehow managed to throw myself to the left and dodge an attack that bulldozed into a part of the ruins and turned them into rubble.

I scrambled back to my feet and not a second later, Xiuhcoatl bend his body around and came back for more, his maw wide open, dozens of deadly fangs aimed straight at me.

This time, I only managed to dodge by a literal hairs wide as the hem of my cape got shredded even more as it got caught in the wake of my serpentine opponents attack. Thankfully, Xiuhcoatl simply tore through the red fabric instead of dragging me along.

This time though, he needed a few precious moments to decelerate with all the momentum from his attacks, which opened him for my own retaliation.

"Eat that!" I yelled as I launched a massive Corruption spell that collided with Xiuhcoatl´s scaled hide with a deafening crack. "Bwahaha, shocking innit you oversized earthworm?" I cackled over the cracking of my spell and the trashing of Xiuhcoatl´s body as the electricity ran through his system. Oh yeah, I had this one in the bag, I would bring this one home without a hitch, I...

"You insolent, annoying flea!" Xiuhcaotl roared and with one final, fluid movement broke free from my spell as he heaved all of his massive body out of the water and displayed his ridiculous size by easily stretching himself alongside the stone arc over the sacrificial platform, looming above me like the Basilisk from Harry Potter, only without the deadly glare.

I was royally fucked!

With another roar, Xiuhcoatl swept his tail forward like a titans whip, missing me but digging a sizeable trench into the earth to my right with the sheer force of the blow. Should one of those hit me, I would shatter like a clay doll!
Cold dread and fear began to form in my stomach but I fought that down with sheer willpower. I would not fall to this narcissist worm, I could not!

Answering with a roar of myself, I flung a whole series of Fireballs at my enemy, the magical projectiles impacting with Xiuhcoatl, scorching his immaculate scales but aside of that, not doing any obvious damage.

The serpent coiled around its perch, sending head sized chunks of stone raining down and only missing Lyra by a scant few centimeters.

Shit, I totally forgot about Lyra! I had to get her out of there or she would probably end up crushed or burned or some other kind of dead.

"You should focus on your opponent during a fight little monkey!" Xiuhcoatl hissed, his voice scarily close to me. I yelped and jumped back, only to see that the huge beast somehow had managed to bring his head so close to me again that I could feel his hot breath. How the fuck could something that big be so silent?

With a wordless war cry, I swung the Beast with both hands, forcing Xiuhcoatl to slightly retreat his head to avoid a face full of mace as my weapon cut through the air, missing his snout by a hands wide.

>>Milday, what are you doing?<< Gnarls voice suddenly echoed in my ears, almost throwing me of the loop entirely.

Dodging another tail swipe, I angrily thought back >>What I am doing Gnarl, is trying not to get killed again while I try to reclaim a fucking Minion artifact. What does this looks like? Revelry with touching?<<

>>No, that is not what I meant. What I meant is why you are fighting this oversized worm on your own, you have your Minions. Use them to harass and slow down this serpent so that your Ladyship can deliver a fatal blow.<<

Our little mental conversation unfortunately distracted me long enough for Xiuhcoatl to finally catch me with one of his attacks.

A massive tail collided with my chest with the force of a speeding car, sending me tumbling backwards like a ragdoll.
Screaming bloody murder I rolled around, desperately trying to come back to my feet. God in heaven, that hurt so bad, I must have busted some ribs!

"Uhahaha, don´t even bother to get up again wench, just roll over and die!" Xiuhcoatl laughed from his perch.

Well, up yours! Fighting through the pain, I got back to my feet, not wanting to give the worm satisfaction. Blood pooled in my mouth and I spat it out. The serpent loomed over me, smug as can be and me, I wanted to slap myself for forgetting about my little munchkins.

Gnarl seemed to have a similar thought as he yelled mentally at me again >>Milady, evil does not fight fair for Darkness sake! Finally make use of your Minions!<<

With a mental command, I signaled the Reds, who made their presence known as they rained down fiery death on the unawares serpent. Xiuhcoatl let out a surprised bellow tinged with rage, furious at being caught by surprise. Of course, its thick hide prevented it from being too much damaged, but this was no firebreathing dragon, no siree. True, while my little devils' fire attacks did not cause that much damage to the serpent's scales, they were not invulnerable, and my little kobolds' fires were no natural flames but grade A magical hellfire. I needed to buy them time while their fires whittled away Xiuhcoatl's tough hide and scales.

With yet another command, my Browns entered the fray. Subtlety was not their game. They came in fast and loud, chanting war cries, brandishing their weapons and yelling "For the Overlord!"

Well, at least I supposed that was what they yelled since it was in their gibberish again.

Xiuhcoatl was so distracted by my Reds, he did not see the Browns until it was too late. Those that charged from the front slashed and hacked away at the serpent's scales and to my surprise, actually managed to shear them off without too much difficulty. I made a mental note to reward Welder for making such superior weaponry.

The Browns who had circled 'round the beast's blind side scrambled up its back with the deftness and agility of a monkey. They bore their weapons into Xiuhcoatl's unprotected neck and back. A couple of my more daring munchkins actually managed to clamber all the way to the serpent's head, where their weapons succeeded in gouging out an eye.

Impressive as this was, it unfortunately send the monstrous snake into a rage fueled rampage. Roaring so loud, I feared that my ears would start to bleed and the sheer shockwaves made my busted rips sting even more, Xiuhcoatl began to trash around like a stabbed pig, sending most of my Minions flying and those who managed to keep their grip got mercilessly crushed under the serpents massive coils.

It then turned its sights on my Reds, but a swift command on my part sent the little devils higher up the branches, well and out of reach. Their ceaseless artillery strikes were too valuable to simply have them kick the bucket. Xiuhcoatl roared in fury at having been denied its revenge and at yet another barrage of magical Hellfire burn through its defenses.

Starring at the mess of coils, rage and rubble before me, I felt a whole iceberg drop in my stomach as I spied the Minion Pillar jutting out of the mess. Lyra! Of sweet merciful god, Lyra had been there... and... and now... My breath hitched as I realized that I totally screwed this up and now this brave, stupid, klutzy, adorably obsessed little mare was dead and it was all my fault!

"You are going to pay, you are going to pay for that you fucking asshole!" I roared as the guilt turned into hatred in my stomach, numbing the pain of my wounds and providing me with a wellspring of new energy.

>>Milady, as with any living creatures, the weak point of this overgrown worm sits between the ears. Aim for the head Milady!<< Gnarl supplied his tactical insight over our mindlink.

With a running start, I sprinted towards the angry serpent who was still busy trying to get my Reds into his jaws and ignoring me. I spied an opening, where my faithful Browns had sheared off the scales, leaving only reddened, slightly bleeding trails. Allowing my hatred and fury to empower me, I swung the Beast with a power that felt not my own.

The serpent's hide tore as if it were little more than tissue paper, spilling blood by the buckets while the Beast's poisoned barbs bit deep and tainted Xiuhcoatl's blood. It was defeated now. It was but a matter of time.

The serpent bellowed, more in pain than rage while fire kept on raining down above. I could practically kiss my little devils and their weird, unnatural accuracy. Another swing from the Beast and more hide and scales sheared off the serpent, creating a gaping hole as big as both my armored fists.

Those Browns that remained alive (a whole three of them) rushed in fearing neither death nor torment, capitalizing on my opening as they practically sunk their weapons on the hole I just created. A well placed strike from one of my Reds took out the other eye.

The ceaseless punishment proved to be too much for Xiuhcoatl. With a raspy, weak rattle, its body slumped. The Browns and I hastily stepped aside to avoid being crushed and the felled serpent's body crashed with enough force to gouge out yet another trench on the earth. My kobolds quickly moved in for the kill, but a command from my part halted their advance. This fucker was mine! For Lyra!

Stalking over with heavy steps to make sure that fucking soulbag could hear his approaching demise. Coming to a stop right before Xiuhcoatl´s snout and planted on of my boots with a lot more force than necessary on the abused remains of his head.

"Time to die you son of a bitch," I hissed coldly, raising the Beast with both hands above my head "Your soul is mine!" I roared and brought my weapon down with all my unholy might.

The sound as the enchanted mace collided with the fallen serpents skull would be a thing forever eternalized in my memory, the sound as the Beast effortlessly tore through the weakened scales, smashed through the bones of his skull and bite deeply into the grey mass inside.

It was glorious and beautiful, like a symphony from Bach or the smile of the Mona Lisa.

But one strike was not enough, the inferno of hatred still blazing brightly inside me, I freed the Beast and with a cry that conveyed all my pent up hatred, frustration and adrenaline, brought it down a second time, this strike almost cracking Xiuhcoatl´s skull in two, sending tainted blood and brain mass flying everywhere.

With this last strike, a violent tremor shook my victim for the last time in his miserable life and not moments later, a flurry of souls exploded out of the serpent’s corpse and after whirling around me for a few moments like a swarm of fireflies, to finally home into my body.

This moment, the adrenaline crash came down in me and my whole body began to feel just so heavy. Staring down at the carcass of my foe, I managed to yank the Beast free, only for the mace to nearly slip out of my numbing fingers, the weapons stained head impacting the ground with a dull thud.

Tears began to well up in my eyes as my gaze roamed over the wreckage Xiuhcoatl wrought and the Minion Pillar still jutting out of it.

I stared down at my gloved hands and found them stained with blood, most likely Xiuhcoatl´s but I could not help myself but to imagine it to be Lyra´s too. Tears begun running down my cheeks. At this point I would have given anything to just hear her always slightly exuberant voice one more time, to see her adorably deranged smile once more...

"Wohoo Master, you did it! Hurray!" Lyra´s voice hit me like a lightning bolt, causing my head to snap upwards so fast my helmet nearly flew off and sure enough, there she was!

My Unicorn was dangling in the air, held aloft by a strained looking Daring Do.

"Lyra? What..." I said weakly.

Daring Do fluttered back down, heaving a sigh of relief as she let go of Lyra. The little Unicorn barreled into me, knocking my ass to the ground. She thanked and praised me in every which way she could. Minty Horse had all but given up hope before my kobolds and I charged in for her rescue and she made sure I knew how grateful she was. Her speech devolved into increasingly unintelligible blubbers as she nuzzled my tear-streaked face, not that she seemed to mind.

"I thought you died," I said quietly after she her diatribe ended and allowed me to stand.

"I almost did, Master," she said happily. "But while you were fighting the foul worm, Daring came in and freed me."

I looked in surprise to the Pegasus, who was looking at us with a neutral expression. "You're welcome," she said and left it at that.

"And look, it's the artifact you were looking for, Master. It's still safe and sound."

Indeed, I'd almost forgotten why we came here in the first place. The Minion artifact, despite suffering severe blows from the serpent, stood tall and proud as can be.

"Hey, behind you," Daring warned.

What? More fighting? Ugh...

I turned, only to find myself facing a horde of unadulterated fugly. The Hobgoblins, the entire village, I think, gathered, some staring at me with unnerving awe while others gawking at their felled 'god'. One of them, the head honcho from before, I assumed, stepped forward and bowed low. He emitted that foul, annoying language, his voice more guttural than my captive.

"Uh, did you catch that?" I asked Daring while Lyra hid behind me, eyeing the Gobs in fear and anger.

"Kill them, Master. Kill them all!" Minty Horse screeched. "Those dirty rats took me from your magnificence and tried to feed me to that serpent."

Probably understanding the little Unicorn's gripe, the lead Gob spoke even quicker. Daring looked like she barely managed to keep up.

"He admits to foalnapping Lyra, but he says he had no choice. If he didn't bring an offering, then Xiuhcoatl would eat him and his entire village," Daring informed. The Gob jabbered away again. "He also says that since you killed the serpent, you have taken its place as their new god."

I groaned, facepalming while Lyra voiced her own incredulity. "God? Why would Master want to become a god to these filthy, foalnapping rat mutants who shit themselves at any opportunity? She already has me and a tower full of... well, slightly more hygienic and better behaved Minions."

"He says he and his village will remain loyal to you," Daring translated. "And that his people will supply you with all kinds of ingredients for alchemy, precious stones and metals they find in the swamps."

"Really now?" I muttered, rubbing my chin in thought.

>>What do you think, Gnarl? Does this sound like a good idea?<<

>>Of course, Your Evilness,<< he said smugly. >>They are simple, lesser creatures who understand only power. Yes, you should take their offer, and if they try anything that displeases your Ladyship, they are weak and cowardly enough that you may slaughter them all with ease and harvest their souls.<<

Well, that's all I need to hear. After everything I'd gone through in this godforsaken swamp, I think I've earned a little extra bonus. "I accept your offer," I said with my best Overlord voice. Lyra groaned while the Gob turned to his ilk, arms raised and made the announcement, for the rest of the Gobs cheered, hailing me as their new goddess.

It would´ve been kinda cute actually if they had been... well, cute. This way, it was amusing at best.

"What are you gonna do now?" asked Daring, idly fiddling with her kaki vest.

"Honestly? I'm gonna go back home, take a nice long bath and stuff myself full of food, you?"

She frowned. "I meant about... well, this?" She waved her hoof over the assembled Gobs, who had mingled with my Minions, chattering animatedly.

"What do you want me to say, Miss Yearling? I don't really plan stuff. I just do whatever the hell I feel like doing. But you know what? Let me put your little pony mind at ease. I can at least promise I won't cause trouble for the next week or so." Well, more because after enduring the hell that was today, I'd spend that time lounging and lazing about. "How about you, Miss Do? Any plans for getting out of here?"

She scowled. "I came here for that artifact, but you're not gonna let me take it, are you?"

"Not a chance," I said smoothly.

The corner of her lip curled and a soft growl escaped her throat. "Fine, take it. Do with it what you will." I had to give her props. It couldn't be easy for her to say it. Luckily, she realized trying to take the artifact by force would end badly for her.
"It's nothing personal, Daring," I said honestly. "But in all fairness, it belongs to me. Besides, how were you planning on hauling it out of here? You'd need at least three Earth Ponies to drag it out of this muck." She looked away. Guess she thought I had a point.

"And you know, you saved Lyra. Thanks for that." She nodded tersely. "Now, to show my gratitude, I could open up a portal for you. Get you out of this fetid swamp lickety split."

"How are you... let me guess, magic?" I nodded. "Thanks but no thanks. I can find my way out," she said with a tone that booked no argument. She turned; her wings flared and prepared to take off. "I'm glad you managed to rescue your friend though," she said and took off, not bothering to wait for me to reply.

"Goodbye, Miss Do. I wish you well," I muttered and returned my attention to my assembled thralls. With a mental command, I sent my Minions to retrieve the artifact. We would need a suitable point to transfer it back to the tower. The lead Gob (turned out he could actually speak on a Diamond Dog level if he really put his all into it) suggested I could use his village as an entry point whenever I wished and I took him up on his offer.

With Lyra and my kobolds in tow, we followed him back to the village where I opened a permanent portal to the stockrooms of my tower. The Minions were first to enter, eagerly carrying the totem pole past while Minty Horse hurried after, no doubt keen to get away from the swamp and I followed hot on her heels.

Author's Notes:

This new chapter was brought to you almost to 97% by my good friend ArreClonClipo, with me just chipping in here and there. Just a part of a little experiement but make sure to let him know how you liked it (if at all^^).

New Minion Artifact secured: Minion Pillar
This mighty artifact raises the maximum Horde cap up to sixty! Bow before the Dark Ruler!

New Area conquered: Hobgoblin village, Hayseed Swamps
Even though weak fighters, the Hobgoblins can supply the Dark Ruler with valuable alchemistic ingridients and the odd rare gem from the depths of the swamps.

Minion Horde Capacity: 60

Domination: +++

Destruction: +