Chapter 7- I am an......

"Guuuh."

She wouldn't stop.

"Guuuuuuuuuugh."

Why won't she stop?

"Guuuuuuuuuuuaaaarrrblaaaaaaar."

Or maybe she couldn't.

"Guuuuu- OW!"

A thwack resounded throughout the halls. I raised my hand to rub at my temple where the now irate Zebra mare had smacked me with her staff.

I thought corporal punishment didn't work? Apparently she thought differently.

I grumbled as I slumped back into the throne and pretended to listen to Zecora's prattling. Here I thought I'd have to worry about Twilight's lectures, turns out, when I asked Zecora for the lowdown around town, she thought I meant everything. So she proceeded to tell me. Everything.

I'm talking taxation percentages, subsections of laws, who was having sex with who, countries' philosophical positions on bubblegum ('cause apparently that's a thing), etc. Everything.

Oh, believe me, at the beginning the information was useful, it was the more general shit, the things that I needed to know, a good glossing over of the facts to allow me to gain a bigger picture. But. She. Kept. Going.

And she picked up by the end of the first day that I wasn't going to lay a hand against that mohawk-y (totally a word) mane of hers. That and the fact that I'm an idiot. An idiot in the sense that..... well, y'know that little voice in your head that tells you to do something exceedingly stupid, and you're all like, 'Where the fuck did that come from!?' Yeah, listen to the voice. Your life will certainly become a lot more entertaining, that's for sure.

So, knowing she was dealing with a moron who just so happened to be afflicted with super ADD, and the ability to perform feats considered impossible by the laws of magic and physics. She decided to sit me down and drone on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, am I emphasizing this enough here? One can only ctrl+c ctrl+v so many times.

I mean, how could it not be a recipe for disaster? When the crazy man want to do crazy, you let him do crazy! And then hope for a more rational attitude after the crazy. It's a completely viable strategy. Her making me sit there and listen to her droning, was not going to end well. And I, believe it or not, I strive for the happier endings in life..... Okay, more the entertaining ones.... For me.

There had to be something I could say to make her stop prattling, she'd already spent about a week or so-

Wait! A full fucking week! I groaned more audibly while placing a palm to my masked face. Which was swiftly followed by another thwack to the head.

"Ow! Quit it!"

Zecora glared at me, "You may wish to stay ignorant of the world around you, but it is my duty to make sure you are properly prepared, to strike back at the Usurper!" Her voice carried a biting caustic tone to it. She was obviously getting aggravated with my lackluster behavior.

Wait. Hold on a minute. My eyes widened behind my mask. Lightbulb.

"No, it's not." I said, a smug expression creasing my 'face'.

The stick lashed out again.

"Sonuvabitch!" I rubbed at one of the now countless sore spots located upon my skull. "Just listen to me!" I demanded...... okay it was more of a pleading-like tone. Semantics.

Zecora gave me a deadpan look before seating herself and motioned for me to continue, humoring me.

Letting out a sigh of relief, "Look, you were originally sent here to spy on the village, right?" Zecora nodded slowly. "So your duty would be to keep tabs on that town. To monitor it and keep with the original objective. Not focus on me." I said, desperation tingeing my voice.

Zecora merely raised a single eyebrow. "That was before. Now it's more important to get you caught up and keep you informed. You are more of a priority." The last part sounded almost like it was a question.

"But- agh!" Not working, c'mon turn it around on her! "Alright, but, you've made ties in that town, right?" She nodded her head in affirmation. "Friends, acquaintances, people who come to visit you and expect to see you about every now and then?" She could see where I was going with this, and she didn't seem to like it. "So if you keep occupying your time with me, eventually someone's going to wonder what the hell you're up to, probably follow you into the forest, scream at the sight of me, run back to town, inform the guard, leading her royal cake-butt straight to me! And then," I dragged a finger across my neck, "Gck!"

Zecora looked towards the ground, her muzzle scrunched in thought, and a slight glare. She knew I was right, she just didn't want to admit it.

After a period of time passed, she sighed, "Very well, it is true that I must now.... keep up appearances." I pumped my arm in victory, eliciting a small, 'yes', accompanied by Zecora giving me another flat look.

"I suppose I shall head into town to see as to what I can do to keep up my charade within Ponyville." My mask was plastered with a grin, until her face bumped up against my nose, her eyes simmering with a more subdued rage. "But you will remain here. You will not follow me. If you do, then I feel you might need a refresher of the great goat-cheese famine of 682." Not going into details about that. All I'm saying is that it was both disturbing and boring, which is a very strange combination but it somehow happened.

I gulped, and nodded my head rapidly. Zecora, believing I was sufficiently cowed by her threat, smiled sweetly before turning around and trotting out of the castle.

I think I sat still for about thirty minutes before I got up and proceeded out the forest.

Yeah. Always listen to the voice.

I had been walking along the road for an hour or so, whistling a jolly tune that you will never know, when the sound of a scuffle caught my attention.

Moving towards the bushes on the outer edge of the forest, I could make out a green clearing as I approached, the sun shining unobstructed, providing a sort of beacon. As well as the sounds growing louder.

As I reached the edge, I crouched and parted the bushes to see what all the commotion was about.

And there was Fluttershy, wailing on a bear.

The thuds of her hooves elicited cracks and snaps as the giant of a mammal seemed to almost beg for mercy. A little ways off, I spotted a certain purple blob in the distance by a certain- *crack* Holy shit how did that not break his neck?! Uh, a certain homely cottage.

It moved away quite soon after I had spotted it, Fluttershy was now tenderly rubbing the bear's fur, massaging it with her hooves.

"Oh-ho-ho-ho!" I rubbed at my chin with a thumb and index finger. "Looks like I showed up right on time."

I army-crawled my way around through the bushes until I reached the road leading out of the Everfree.

I'd need to be careful so as to not get spotted by Zec- I mean- the town, and not cause a ruckus. If attention was drawn towards me, I might change how the events of this particular day would play out. At least change them prior to when I wish to. And I couldn't have that.

I needed to make my way to the park without any of the townsponies spotting me, so I needed to be..... inconspicuous.

Granny Smith was trotting along the outskirts of Sweet Apple Acres, she'd do so from time to time when she felt that her body was up for what little exercise she could handle at her....... wise age. She was in luck that the rest of her family were in town for the day. Her kin just worried for her a smidge too much, bless their hearts, always keeping an eye out for her. It could be so suffocating at times though, a constant reminder that she wasn't the young mare she used to be.

She continued along the picket fence, enjoying the view of the orchard to her left, as she traveled along. Until one of her floppy ears perked up at a peculiar sound. She stopped moving and concentrated on the strange noise, to better determine what and where the sound was coming from.

Straining her aged hearing, she was able to make out that whatever it was making the noise seemed to be dragging itself against well-packed dirt, scuffing itself as it went along. Looking to the right where the road leading into Ponyville and the Everfree was situated she looked back and forth along the road. The sound stopped abruptly as she glanced about, trying to discern where the noise had originated from.

Squinted eyes scanning the road, the elderly mare couldn't spot a thing that seemed too out of place. The road itself was well-worn and packed due to her family's travels along it, and the general success of the farm drawing ponies to them. The ground alongside the road was a verdant green, the grass growing on the road's edges, staying at a minimal length. The white picket fence of the farm was a nice contrast against the green and brown of the environment. The road closer to the gates of the farm had a few knickknacks strewn about. Possessions that her younger kin would leave about from time to time. Specifically Apple Bloom more so than the other two.

The young filly would leave objects scattered about the entrance of the farm as well as along the road from time to time, the objects themselves varying wildly. From something as plain as butterfly nets, to the more outlandish oddity, such as bagpipes. Whatever the Crusaders had decided to invest their time in on their quest, would usually wind up on the front lawn of the orchard, due to it being the fillies' base of operations. Granny Smith would wonder at times how these three fillies were able to get their hooves on half of the doodads and thingamajigs they would tote around the village. How could they have possibly nabbed that hang-glider?

So the mare didn't think anything was too out of the norm what with the randomly assorted junk on the trail. An inflatable beach ball, an accordion, a miniature trampoline, a cardboard box, a trio of dowsing rods, a hammer with an accompanying box of nails, and other similarly random objects were looked over by her scrutinizing eye. Staring out at the assorted mish-mash of..... artifacts, the mare eventually turned back to continue along her walk. Well, she would've, if the same noise from earlier hadn't begun again.

Whipping her head around, she eyed the road once more. Staring along its length, looking for something out of place, but all seemed the same as before. The detritus still spread about, not a creature nor pony within sight. Granny Smith gave the road the stink-eye, if she had been but a year older she might have racked it up to her just going senile and the onset of mild dementia, but she wasn't that far gone, at least not yet.

The mare continued to stare as an idea formed within her head. Raising her hoof, she brought it back down, harshly, trotting in place, only for each following hoof to land a little lighter upon the ground.

The plan worked, as the cardboard box scooted forwards along the trail, revealing the source of the enigmatic scraping noise that Granny Smith had sought to uncover. For what reason now, she truly did not know. Curiosity, perhaps? Apple family stubbornness? Or to confirm to herself that she still had some years of lucidity left in her? Again, Granny could not point to a particular reason, as she watched the box push itself towards Ponyville.

As the box passed by the picket fence she cleared her throat.

She wasn't really sure why she did that, either.

The box stopped immediately and sat in place, an awkward silence having fallen. Only the occasional rustling of leaves was heard as Granny Smith continued to stare at the box.

The box remained innate for who knows how long as Granny Smith still gazed at it, the mare was actually beginning to doubt herself until the box began to slowly rotate before her, grinding against the dirt. Eventually one of the thinner sides was now facing her.

Granny continued to watch as an oval-shaped cutting upon the cardboard flapped downwards, the elderly mare realizing that the hole worked as a handle to carry the box. From within the hole the mare could make out...... green, some sort of green wrinkled material that gazed out at her as she stared right back.

The two stayed like this for yet another awkward pause of an indeterminate period of time, until the box slowly rotated itself back so that the hole was now facing along the road as the elder of the Apple kin looked on passively.

Yet again there was a third pause, until suddenly two long legs sprung up from the bottom of the box, yet the rest of whatever lay within stayed hidden, giving the mare the sight of a box with a particularly dapper yet tacky pair of suit clad legs. Even Granny Smith knew that you do not wear a checkered pattern on a suit.

The legs promptly dashed along the road, trailing a cloud of dust as it moved onwards.

Granny Smith continued to watch the whatever it was travel along the road until she could only barely make out a speck of the brown dirt it was kicking up. She then shrugged her shoulders, gave a non-committal, "Eh." And continued along with her workout.

The mare had lived long enough in Ponyville -having practically founded the place- to know that when the weirdness the town usually tended to attract was running away from you, you sure as heck do not follow it.

However, before she began her mild trot to complete her circuit, she found herself begin to wonder aloud, "What in the plum heck is a 'handle'?"

That was too close..... at least I think it was, maybe Granny will forget about it, her memory's probably not the best......

I was now hiding within some bushes, having snuck my way through town à la cardboard box and somehow avoiding anymore incidents along the way. I was able to reach some reasonably well-cultivated shrubbery which I now resided in. I was lucky enough to find that the greenery circled the exterior border of Ponyville's park, near as I could tell. Channeling what Monty Python had taught me on how not to be seen, I moved along the circuit of branches and foliage, only for a sudden outburst of, "Snap out of it!" to draw my attention.

Parting the greenery before me, I peered out to see Spike confronting a quite disheveled-looking Twilight.

"-you completely forgot about the picnic. Why don't you just relax and go hang out with-"

"The picnic!"

Gah! Pinkie, you can smile as large as that any time you want, I never want to see Twilight do that again!

Purple pone rushed off with the box that Spike had been carrying, now levitating behind her.

"I'm glad you've come to your senses."

Spike, even you don't look too sure about that.

Well, I've still got some time before Twiley completely self-destructs, I suppose I should tail her and wait for the big moment. Good thing Celestia shows up and........ Celestia shows up. Oh, shit-biscuits.

Voice, why hath thou betrayed me?!

Okay, think, she has to come here for a reason..... well, okay I know what the reason is, but how does she find- SPIKE!

A certain purple reptile was beginning to worry about a similarly colored quadruped, one Twilight Sparkle. And by 'beginning to', I mean 'was still', followed by an 'I', 'N', and 'G' after the 'worry'. He had a feeling that things weren't going to end very well, having seen similar fits prior.

As the mare galloped out of sight he turned around and began to head back to the library, planning to send a letter to the Princess, just in case things might spin out of control.

At least he was, until he ran into a suited leg as he looked back one more time, as if to make sure the park hadn't blown up yet. The impact knocked him onto his rump as a voice from above said, "Well, well, well, what do we have here?"

Looking up, Spike gulped as his head continued to trace the body much longer than he should for a pony, realizing that before him stood the maniac he had unknowingly hosted in the library. After Twilight and her friends explained to him just who the strange creature was, he had a bit of a panic attack, realizing that he had been alone with the thing.

Although he admittedly didn't know what exactly Manic had done wrong, he knew that he was most assuredly dangerous. Besides, that tone didn't really assuage Spike of most of his fears. Neither did the smile creasing its mask.

"He- hello, uh, sir." Spike managed to stutter out.

"So," Manic said as he leaned over, the plastered smirk widening, "what're you doing here?"

"Oh, you know, just, walking around." Spike supplied.

"Walking around?"

"Walking around." The drake quickly confirmed.

"Thwarting my plans?" Manic asked, leaning in a little closer.

"Thwarting your plans?" Spike asked in confusion.

"Are you?"

"No."

"Good, 'cause that'd be bad," Manic leaned back a bit, taking some of the pressure off the drake, as he began to sweat a little less.

"How bad?" he asked, letting curiosity get the better of him.

"I'd have to kill you," Manic let out softly.

"That's bad." The sweat was now back in full force.

"Indeed."

It was silent after that, the two just standing there, staring at each other, as the sounds of Ponies drifted in and out from distances away. Nowhere near close enough for Spike to call out to them, though.

Pushing his luck, Spike cleared his throat, gaining Manic's more direct attention..... yeah, this already seemed like a bad idea, but the young dragon moved forward, "So, uh, can I help you?"

"No," Manic crouched down, bending his knees, putting himself even closer to Spike than he had been before, "but maybe I can help you," he said as he put a hand to the dragon's cheek.

Spike was panicking within, he didn't know why, but just the way Manic had said that made his whole spine tingle, all the way down to his tail. Not to mention, the hand now caressing his face wasn't making him anymore comfortable. Manic's mask was also somehow projecting a face, it was still the blank green it had ever been, while at the same time held some sort of smile that just screamed at Spike to run. Which he would've if he just wasn't so freaking terrified at the moment.

"Uh," the dragon sputtered, "I need an adult."

"I am an adult," Manic quickly replied before kneeing him directly in the gut, using the hand that was formerly palming his cheek, which was now located behind his head as leverage, lifting the dragon up, and forcing the knee even harder into the dragon's stomach.

Spike fell to the ground with a grunt, feeling his consciousness begin to fade.

"By the way, I only hit you because I have pent-up aggression against your pseudo-mother/sister."

Spike was awake for a few more seconds of silence, only to completely fade into the void with one last quip from Manic, "Take that."

Well, that was one way to take care of things. I grabbed hold of Spike's ankle and slung him across my shoulder, with him draped against my back.

I began to whistle a tune as I moved back towards the bushes, really, I was lucky that none of the townsponies were around to see my little performance, chalk that up to lazy writing.

I proceeded towards the bush, waving to the two dumbstruck colts standing a good five feet away as I passed.

Continuing forwards, I-

......Hold on a tick.

Walking back to the colts, and by back, I mean backwards in the same motions with a smidge of a quicker pace. Reaching them, I turned a sharp ninety degree angle while simultaneously crouching down. Looking at the two, I found they were both Unicorns, the lanky one colored a dirty-orange, the other chubby lookin' tyke a palish-blue...... oh, it's these two bozos, great. One of my hands was already sliding down my face as I let loose a sigh.

"....... You're going to report me, aren't you?" The two nodded their heads, I swear I could hear something rattling. Honestly, I had a million different ways I could deal with tweedle-dum and tweedle-dee right here, but I didn't want to push it. "How about," I reached into my suit pocket and pulled out two bits, one held between my pinkie and ring finger, the other, in my index and middle finger. "We say you didn't see nothin', capisce?"

The two looked at each other for a second before mirroring two grins and turning to me, nodding once again.

"Good, good, we have an accord then." I moved my hand forward towards Snips to stuff the coin within a pocket, only to realize my faux pas as the coin pressed against his breast, as he raised an eyebrow. Rolling with it, I moved my hand upwards to nestle said coin within his mane, patting it down, getting an even stranger look. Moving on, I presented the other coin to Snails who grabbed ahold with his teeth.... slobbering on me at the same time.

"Eugh!" I shook my hand of the spittle as the two ran off.

.......Well, that was completely pointless. Why did I even encounter those two?

Shrugging and deciding to move the plot forward, since it was obvious that the author was some sort of incompetent buffoon, I moved back to the bushes. Spike dangling here and there, my hand still wrapped around one of his ankles.

Looking over my shoulder, I contemplated aloud, "Now what to do with you?"

Later, a certain mauve-hued reptilian youth would find himself buried up to his neck in dirt. It wouldn't take long for the young dragon to claw his way out, after regaining his wits. He'd still have to deal with soil lodged in rather uncomfortable areas for about a week though.

"Or does he? I mean, I'm narrating right now, do I really know what's going to happen to him?" But I digress.

I crouched down into the bushes once again, stalking my prey, seeking her out, and interfering with the natural progression of things, intent on spicing things up a bit. Although, I suppose my interference is part of the natural order, now. Honestly, I don't care, and neither do most of you, I assume. Fun times are approaching, that's all that matters.

Moving within the shrubbery, I keep my head on a swivel and my ears and eyes open for purple-pone as I stalk about. There's no way she's going to catch me off-guard, it's only a matter of time until I find her, or at least the mess she crea-

The sound of a rubber ball being tossed back and forth along with joyful giggles grabs my attention. Looking outwards, I see a trio of tiny ponies with a familiar color to them. Peering out, I spy a white Unicorn filly along with a yellow Earth pony and an orange Pegasus tossing a ball back and forth to each other, enjoying their afternoon, not a care in the world.

Excellent, ground zero has been located, I rub my hands together, now I just need to-

"Hu-huhuuuu."

Sweet Jesus. That's creepy.

Twilight just popped up almost a foot away from me, looking for all intents and purposes like the Cheshire Cat. Guh.

Thankfully, she ducks back into the bushes, disappearing from sight, too wrapped up in her own paranoia to notice me.... I think.

I direct my attention back to the fillies as Scootaloo knocks the ball onto the ground. Only for Twilight to somehow teleport into it.... and burst out of it. That probably wasn't too comfortable, but she isn't displaying any signs of being spliced with an inflatable ball, so we can rule out any "The Fly" scenarios.

"-ust great." Twilight's eye twitches as she now moves towards the three worried looking fillies. "You three look like you're doing great too!" Arriving in the center of the group, "Looks like three good friends who don't need the help of another good friend!" Scootaloo, that pose is adorable.

Right, Twi's going to try and create that friendship problem now, by introducing that ratty-looking doll, without much success. Yep, there it is, patched up, floating in a purple aura, the material fraying, a button eye hanging loose. Needless to say the others aren't buying what she's selling.

"I... really like her.... mane?"

And thus, a running gag was born, at least in the fandom.

"-notebook! And quill!" How do they move their limbs like that? "For when you want to pretend she's doing her homework!"

"That's.... um... great." Scootaloo let out, looking like she was getting tired of the cray-cray goin' on down here.

"Yeah.... great." Apple Bloom added in, seeming to want to leave just as much as Scoots, letting out a nervous laugh.

The two gave a quick tap to Sweetie Belle, who seemed at a loss for words, spurring her into action. "I really like her... mane?"

Good save.

Yeah, okay Twilight, now you're just embarrassing yoursel- Ahh! Creepy face! Creepy face! The fuck is with her teeth positioning right now?!

Scootaloo points out the obvious, moving her hoof in a circular motion by her head, until the doll is thrust into the three's midsts, startling them.

"So, who wants to play with her first?" Twilight questions impatiently.

The three quickly begin to try to make one of the others play the part of sacrificial lamb, hustling and bustling over each other, as to avoid the cruel, cruel fate of playing with a sub-par toy. First world problems, amIrite?

Twilight's beginning to look more nervous than crazy though, seeming to come to the realization that her precious Smarty Pants isn't all that it's chalked up to be. Clacking her hooves together, then positioning herself, "Ooh you are going to like Smarty Pants. And you're going to like her more than anything."

And that's my cue to leave, seeing as nothing else has yet to deviate yet, I figure I'll be home free. I crawl along the bushes as purple pone proceeds to make the situation worse. All for my benefit.......

Oh, fuck no. We're not cutting here at some lame-cliché-bullshit-vaudeville-style villain rubbing his hands together after saying some line about taking advantage of the situa-

I'm getting me an agent. Which I will most likely choose to ignore. Because it will probably be a goat, and goats as far as I was concerned are engines of pure destruction. Whether it be defying physics with their flailing bodies while wreaking havoc and mayhem upon their current environment and its locals, to flinging objects at high speeds with their freakishly elongated tongues towards passerby and gas stations. Yes, nothing good comes from a goat. Just ruin and cheese. Strange, strange, goat cheese. Moving on.

Shaking myself out of my goat-fueled stupor I peek out from, you guessed it, more shrubbery, to scan the park for five specific mares. I'm glad I headed out when I did, trying to stay hidden in the middle of the soon-to-be approaching commotion would've been a tad distracting. Not to mention finding the elements might've been more difficult.

Panning my eyes left and right, whilst shuffling along the hedges, I finally spy my quarry. The ladies seemed to be enjoying themselves even while they packed away their things. Rarity and Fluttershy were finishing with folding up a quilt and were beginning to talk about something or other, most likely their next trip to the spa. Rainbow, having finished carrying the last of the leftovers to a weave basket trotted a bit away, popped out some sunglasses, flipped them up into the air and flopped down onto her back, taking in some rays. The glasses promptly fell in place as gravity pulled them back down to the earth, and consequently her eyes. Pinkie carried the remaining foodstuffs that Rainbow had most likely missed and began to place them within the basket, folding it all over with a smaller blanket. Applejack had just been laying against a nearby tree while all the others went about their business. The lazy cunt. Meh, she probably brought the food or something. Apple fritters, apple strudel, caramel apples, apple pie, I'm surprised these ponies haven't sworn off apples. A straw of hay swayed in her muzzle as she dozed, her hat shading the upper half of her face.

All here and accounted for, and just in time too. AJ looked up from her dozing and tilted her head to the side, an ear perked. Paying attention myself, I could hear the sounds of arguments, stampedes, and metal clanking.

Well, I guess it's showti- wait a minute, metal clanking?

I pivoted about-face only to meet the pointy, glinting end of a spear directly between my eyes, an aura of blue surrounding it. This was quickly followed by the sounds of other blades being drawn, and more weapons to be directed at me, whether floating or held. My eyes trailed along the spear and finally rested upon a nearby guard stallion, a quite pompous smirk upon his face.

Well. That certainly throws a wrench in things.

"You're under arrest!" said the guard who I shall now dub Chauncey. Because I feel like it. He twirled out some cuffs, allowing me a retort, I assume.

"No, it wasn't me!" I let out, my voice pleading, "it was the one-armed man!"

I stand from my cover staring down at the now slightly surprised looking ponies, exclaiming, "Alright, I confess! I did it ya hear? And I'm glad. Glad I tell ya!"

I then fall back to my knees, in front of Chauncey, hands held together, pleadingly, "What are they going to do to me sarge?" I then move forward, my hands now clinging to Chauncey's white coat, "What are they gonna do?!"

The cuffs are promptly slapped on, leaving me to wonder as to why they have handcuffs. Really, these things fit me around the wrist, they were designed for a build like mine.... whatever.

"I don't get to make that call-" Chauncey begins, before I cut in with a groan. "No! No! No! You messed it up! And you were doing so well too." I raise a hand to my face and dragged it down my mask, letting out a sigh, as Chauncey stares at me perplexed and then surprised at seeing that I was no longer bound. Probably due to the cuff's inexplicable disappearance.

"Where did-"

"You had one job!" I was now shaking the stallion by his shoulders. "One job, Chauncey!"

"Wha- wha-?!" The guard let out as I continued to shake, his eyes wide. A few of the other guards shifted a bit, not really sure how to deal with the situation. Having had enough of that, I shoved Chauncey aside, and peered back through the foliage. It seems that the party had already begun. All about the mane six were clouds of dust and dirt being kicked up by groups of ponies, all vying for the prized doll which was being tossed back and forth between said groups like a hacky-sack.

It was all quite comical, really. Berry Punch sure has a hell of a right hook. Bon-Bon's gonna be sporting that black eye for a while.

The edging in of the still held pointy bits, drew my attention back to the guards, who seemed to be utterly focused on me. That or they were just choosing to ignore the kerfuffle going on within throwing distance of us. Chauncey, having recovered, was giving me a particularly seething glare.

Raising my hands, "Right, well you caught me, might I ask how? I was quite careful with my infiltration."

"That is classifie-"

"Two young colts inform-"

The two guards that had spoken up stopped quite quickly, with one glaring intently at another, who looked quite sheepish.

God damn mother fucking gun atop the fireplace. If you get that, kudos. Turning to Chauncey, I deadpanned, "I see the guard's standards are still as fabulous today as they were a thousand-some-odd years ago."

Promptly followed by the grinding of teeth. Yep, that was one hell of a zinger right there, eh, Chauncey?

My own inner contemplation ended up being my downfall though. The shaft of a spear lunged out, striking me in the gut, forcing me back down to my knees with a grunt. Least it wasn't my man-berries. Groaning, I lifted my head, only for the shaft to jab itself into my stomach, pinning me, while applying much more pressure than needed. "I'd rather not have my kidneys punctured, thank you very much."

Chauncey leaned in, eyes narrowed, his breath smelling of oats. Eugh. "No more funny business, you're coming with us."

"......Funny business?...... Funny business. Sir, do you not know who I am?" I ask, my voice carrying a tone of bewilderment with a dash of chastising mixed in. "It is my business to be funny. Not for you," I jab a finger directly into his snout, to his own credit, he didn't flinch. "Not for your cronies," the earlier finger moves to the other guards, who are watching intently. "But for me," my hand returns to my chest, thumb outstretched, pointing at myself.

I'm about to continue, when something fuzzy and soft lands a little above my hand. My gaze moves downward, spotting a certain ratty looking doll resting quite comfortably upon my chest, radiating pink hearts.

"Uh-oh." Throwing distance.

Looking back to the guards, their pupils replaced, the pink beating hearts at the forefront of their white pools. Their shiny, decorative, HEAVY, armor glinting as rays of the sun shine down, as they stand locked, muscles taut.

I gulp. "Mother." Before I'm promptly engulfed into a brawl.

So, you think hooves by themselves would be a bitch and a half to deal with.... and they are, believe me. Five pounds of raw keratin's going to break some bones with the right amount of force. Now add some hoof-slippers (shut up that's what they're called) made out of metal or some shit, and you've just added more mass to the equation. And remember kiddies, force equals mass times speed squared, or better known as acceleration. And man, were these ponies accelerating. Oh, don't forget, force directly equals pain. Lots and lots of pain.

But it's not like I didn't respond in kind. For every hoof thrown my way, I lashed out, my fist slamming into ponies, feet kicking against snouts. Probably not the best move, though. I just kept getting more and more entangled in the fight, limbs intertwining, being pushed down slowly but surely. Until finally, I was at the literal bottom of the pile, bodies writhing, squirming above me. I was being crushed, trampled. I could feel one of my fingers had already broken from hitting one guard's armored barding. Things weren't looking too good. Not going according to plan.

Hooves were slamming into my back. Every lungful of air I could grab was promptly being forced out. I could feel my ribs creaking, as I rolled up into a fetal position to mitigate some damage.

Until it abruptly stopped.

Looking up woozily, I saw that the fight was beginning to migrate towards the others, leaving me behind, bloodied, but not too worse for wear. Aside from the finger, god that smarts. And leaving me wondering how freakishly strong pony bones were.

Shakily getting to my feet, I began to brush off some of the dirt and dust that had accumulated on my suit, before looking up and taking better stock of the situation. Not much had changed, thankfully, most of the fights seemed to be gravitating about the tree Applejack had been resting against, the doll still being tossed back and forth. A mare or stallion would occasionally break from the fold, Smarty held in their teeth or magic aura only to eventually be sucked back in, or to run headlong into another brawl, having not paid enough attention to their surroundings.

As for the mane six, they were attempting to do some form of damage control whilst not looking at the cause of the commotion. Yeah, that's probably not going to work. Well, things weren't too off the rails yet, Celestia probably would have swept in to save the day a few minutes ago, so I wasn't too far behind schedule.

"Showtime."

Twilight wanted to crawl into a corner and cry. She had messed up, no, screwed up. Bad.

In her attempt to prevent her regression/banishment back to magic kindergarten, she strived to create a problem that she could solve and learn from. Instead, she had generated a catastrophe that had quickly spun out of control. Twilight couldn't tell how many ponies her spell had affected. Chaos ran amok as ponies fought and tumbled about. Even if she was able to get ahold of Smarty Pants and dispel the enchantment, the effects would still be present in her.... victims. She'd have to recast the spell individually, for what was now looking to be over half the town. That, or move the ponies far enough away to where the spell's effects would fade. But she knew she didn't have the magical reserves to cancel the spell, or teleport everypony away.

Along with the fact that she just couldn't seem to muster up the resolve. Her own guilt had paralyzed her to the spot after she explained herself to her friends, who were all currently attempting to do something about the situation, their eyes clenched shut so as to not succumb to the spell and further add to the chaos. Not much could be done without their sight, though.

Twilight let out a whimper and moved downwards, laying against the grass, forehooves pressed over her eyes. "This is all my fault."

"You're God damn right it is!" Twilight's ears perked up along with her head, turning towards the source of that quite familiar and aggravating voice.

Ten feet away, Manic stood proudly, his suit replaced with a white and striped buttoned sleeveless vest with a yellow shirt underneath it along with jeans and white rimmed sunglasses perched on a raised portion of his otherwise green-smooth face, red gloves of some sort that only covered the body of his hands. More notably however, was the shining saxophone lying against his torso, one hand holding the body, while a strap attached to the instrument added more support and kept the woodwind in place.

Twilight stared, as Manic raised the mouthpiece towards his face and set his fingers on the appropriate keys, not quite sure what to do at the moment.

Then, he played.

All eyes and ears immediately swiveled towards Manic as the first note sounded out, a beat thumping in the background with the simple, yet enthralling rhythm he was belting out. Manic himself was moving along with the song, although minimally. His legs spread, his arms pumping the saxophone up and down, while he moved his hips and crotch back and forth in a mesmerizing fashion. He would occasionally switch from side-to-side, but continued the same basic movements.

Soon, Twilight found herself nodding along with the song, but quickly realized what she was doing and shook herself out of it. Taking stock of her surroundings, she looked at the ponies around her to find that all of the townsponies affected by her spell were now nodding along with the music and staring intently at Manic. She spotted her friends as well within the crowd, most just staring slack-jawed at the biped, others enjoying the song as well.

When the ponies around her began to move, she brought her attention back to the strange being before her, who was beginning to move away from the area. The townsponies were following him and the fading music as he headed towards the town, Manic still humping the air, and the ponies still caught in their trance.

As the sax began to fade further away, Twilight shakily got to her hooves to follow, sort of as an after-thought. Until a certain voice stopped her.

"You!" Twilight twirled around to find a normally (at least relatively) dressed Manic stomping towards her. "You- but- I just saw-" Twilight stuttered out as he approached, her head swerving back and forth between the direction Manic had danced off to and the Manic closing in on her. If he even heard her, he gave no outward sign as he continued forward. He stalked over to her as she tried to back away, her hooves dragging in spite of herself. Once he was within reach, he grabbed hold of her chin, forcing her to stare into his blank green face. "Bitch, calm down and take a step back next time! Your friends don't always got some sort of problem that you need to fix for 'em, that ain't how friendship works!" Twilight just stood there wide eyed, not really quite sure what to do.

"In fact," Manic let go of her chin as he twirled around and pointed an accusing figure at the rest of her friends, who had quickly gathered together. "This bitch is the one who had a problem, where the fuck were the rest of you?!" They in turn lowered their heads and ears and let out apologies to Twilight, not quite sure what to do in the situation. Getting admonished by this... this fool was a tad absurd.... even for the usual fare. "Jesus mother-fucking H. Christ," Manic breathed out, a hand kneading his face, "the shit I put up with. How is this friendship?"

Manic stood there for another thirty seconds still rubbing his face, as the six mares sat there awkwardly, before he let out a more explosive sigh and began moving away from them. "Whatever. I helped youse bitches out. That's all that matters," Manic continued as he moved away from them. Turning to face more towards Twilight, "The spell should wear off soon," he stopped and crouched down, scooping up a brown and battered object with one hand, while the other dug around in his pants pocket, withdrawing a silver rectangle of some sort. With a flick of the wrist, the metal object's lid flipped open, and a flame quickly shot out.

Manic brought over the ragged thing he had collected towards the fire, which Twilight soon realized, "Smarty Pants!" a hoof raised towards the doll all too late as what was left of the doll caught aflame. Manic turned more towards Twilight, a look of disbelief emanating from his blank face. "Really? After all that, you don't think there should be some sort of consequence?" He turned back to watching the doll burn, "Besides, how else was I supposed to stop the damn thing?" Before the flames began to lick at Manic's hand, followed by him quickly letting out a squawk of alarm, promptly followed by him throwing the ball of flames to the ground and the stomping of his foot upon it.

"I could have just canceled the spell!" Twilight let out mournfully as the flames quickly died out from Manic's stamping. Turning to her, his foot raised for another stomp, Manic said, "Oh," before one last kick to the ground spread the doll's ashes to the air. Manic stared at the black soot around him, as the mares watched on. Turning back to Twilight, he raised a hand behind his head, "Heh, sorry." Manic and the mares just stared at each other for another ten seconds before the biped pivoted around, and began to swiftly walk away. "K'thanksbye-" before a rainbow dashed forward, catching him in the shoulder.

Manic let out a grunt of pain as the force of the blow made him twist and fall on his side, landing on the ground. Rainbow Dash had used his shoulder as a springboard, using the impact point as a push to gain further air. Looping around, she landed with a thud in front of Manic.

"You didn't think we were going to let you escape agai-" Whatever Rainbow was about to say died on her lips as Manic let out a scream. Backing up in surprise, her eyes wide, she watched as Manic curled up his legs and gripped at his left arm. The mere touch of his right hand to his left, caused him to scream again and thrash about, turning over in the direction of the mares.

Giving the six a full view of his left side, along with his arm, bent in all the wrong kinds of ways. The middle of his forearm was twisted into an almost ninety degree angle backwards, enough to wear the bone from the fracture was poking out, blood dripping down. His hand was splayed as most of his fingers were bent too far backwards, his upper arm curved about like an s, and had a sickening impression of where his right hand had gripped it.

Rainbow gaped at the arm, unbelieving she had caused this much damage, Applejack and Twilight were both in a similar state of shock as well. Rarity fainted on the spot, while Pinkie turned green, and Fluttershy quivered away behind her mane. The mares didn't know what to do, some not being able to stomach such an injury, others too shocked that they had caused so much damage, as Manic twisted and moaned in pain, breath ragged, wet spots marking his mask with what was most likely tears.

Twilight began to move forward towards Manic, not quite sure what to do. She was a good five feet away, when a glass sphere flew out from the edges of the park, impacted at her hooves, and shattered. A thick pink gas erupted from the orb and quickly engulfed the area, leaving the mares coughing and sputtering, eyes stinging, only able to make out silhouettes. A hurried gallop sounded from the distance, quickly approaching Manic. Twilight forced open a teary eye to a measly squint, watching as somepony grabbed Manic and proceeded to drag him away full tilt. Her magic lit up in order to catch the two, but quickly imploded on itself, being unable to focus with the gas impeding her, along with the stress of the whole day getting to her.

Shutting her eye in pain, Twilight listened as the pony galloped further and further away. Daring to open her eyes again, she found the gas had dissipated leaving behind six mares, a pile of ash, and an otherwise empty park, minus one biped. Twilight made to move forward, but found she was exhausted, the day weighing upon her, what with the near psychotic break, stress from the riot, and the shock of Manic's injury, she couldn't take anymore. Flopping down, she curled up into a ball and cried, a good long cry, letting all of her frustrations take their toll, her friends moving towards her, comforting her, and apologizing for not taking her worries seriously.

All-in-all, after she was done, she felt much better.

Oh God, does this fucking hurt.

At least the parts where I'm conscious hurts. The rest is just black. Conscious is used very loosely here, though. It's more like, oh hey, here I am in a place as a thing. And pain, so much pain. I don't know where I am, when I am, or who I am, all I can focus on is the pressure in my arm, and the wrongness of it. Although, certain moments stand out. Hitting a log with my arm was particularly memorable, as well as the swaying of a rope bridge. Other than that, just pieces and bits of information.

Well, now I feel a bit more lucid. Groggily looking about, I spot Zecora standing to my left, looking down at me. How'd she get so big? I smile at her, and mumble what I think is a coherent sentence. The pain is still there but dulled, besides, it doesn't matter, I'm floating so high right now.

Zecora doesn't look too happy, I don't know why, life is pretty. She seems to want me for something, nudging my arm, causing me to wince. I focus my gaze on her, as groggily as I can. She's saying something but I can't understand, it makes me giggle.

She sighs and gestures to my arm. I look to where she's pointing and see someone's made my arm into a hot wheels track. Look at all those turns, I smile a little wider, making what I think are vrooming noises with my mouth. I hear a noise and look back to see Zecora eyeing me. She probably wants to race or something. I nod my head, everyone loves hot wheels.

Zecora moves her hooves to the track, and I wonder where her cars are, maybe the wheels fell off. She places her hooves gently, around this one sharp turn. This track wasn't designed too well, hot wheels can't-

Whatever I was thinking doesn't matter anymore as Zecora quickly snaps my arm back into place, as all I can see turns white. Such a hot, burning white. I think I'm screaming, I can't tell, everything is focused on the snapping. More pain emanated from my left as I feel the pops and cracks in my head. Every finger, bone and joint that is out of place is shoved back into its original position, even as I feel my throat burn.

Eventually the snapping stops and all that's left is a pulsing, a pounding of pain. I crack my eyes open once more to stare at Zecora as blackness takes me again.

Author's Notes:

I wanted to get this done during the summer. I didn't.

Aside from that, I highly doubt I'll have much time for writing this semester. Taking a law class, an intense math class and three programming classes. My life is shot..... and why did it have to be when Fallout 4 is coming out?!?!?!

Whatever. Next chapter will be out when next chapter will be out. Peace, make me laugh in the comments.