P1 kept walking down the street with his empty hands resting behind his head, ready to magically draw his modified Dual Deagle.44s.

“Alright dudio, disciprine, conserve power for later usage, luckily yonder source is about half a mile away.” He said to himself as he focused more energy.

A pulse of yellow energy was emitted from his body, and he sighed, “Alright, hunter hoodie, GO!” His black shirt was suddenly covered by a large winter-camo jacket.

He cracked his neck, earning some satisfying *pop* sounds, then his head snapped towards a presence, and he saw Lee standing on a rooftop.

“Hey there bro-seph!” He called out in his slight southern drawl.

“Uh… hi… who are you?” Lee said as he dropped down, staying several feet away.

The godly man thought for a few moments.

(Lee will remember this)

Player 1 of the Player Company

Lord P1, god extraordinaire

-> Just call me Evan <-

It’s none of your goddamn business.

“Just call me Evan… I’m a… I work in business. You look like a man who’d be named Lee.”

“As a matter of fact, I am a man named Lee, that’s some good guessing you got there… so what brings you here?”

“Um… well… fuck it YOLO, I was taken in by a guy named Damon, but he wanted me to kill peoples, and I basically said ‘FUCK YOU MAN, I AIN’T DOIN’ DAT SHIT’, and so I came here and I’m going to help your group… Lee, Coach, Steve?, Michael, Trevor, Nikolai, Postal Dude, Albert Weasel guy, Stryker, Dovahkiin, Spyro, and David.”

“Uh… David ain’t here anymore.” Lee lamented.

“LOL wut?” P1 prayed that Lee was wrong.

“He uh… he was killed, by-”

“BY THAT BITCH AGENT 4 AND HER ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND!” Trevor revealed as he ran up to the two.

“Okay… so you look like you are Trevor, hi, I’m Evan… if you can be a dear and point me in the direction of the six mares that aren’t crystal ponies, then that I’d really appreciate it.”

“Castle, it’s the giant-ass tower thing in the middle of town, yer blind if ya miss it.”

“I can see it just fine, thanks… alright BYEEE!” P1 spread his wings and flew to the castle.

“Well that was weird.” Lee said as he watched the flying man depart.

“It’s perfectly fine, all things considered… c’mon, we have to find those agent cunts.” Trevor shrugged as he pulled out his flamethrower and motioned for Lee to take to the air.

The half-zombie nodded and leapt onto a nearby rooftop, then resumed his roof-hopping.

Shining Armor was awoken by a kick to the side, he looked up and found an extremely large and imposing black figure standing over him.

An equally tall, but much skinnier figure came up beside him.

“Alright, Dark Duo, ya done good, kids, ya done good.” P1 said as the two figures stepped back.

Shining was lifted to his hooves by P1’s telekinesis.

“Alright, Name: Evan, Rank: Psychotic God of Goodness and Le Epics, Intention: Help you out in the most cray-cray and badass way possible.”

“Um… thanks?” The knight said as he looked at the Dark Duo

“This is Prins Terminator den Första, Swedish for Prince Terminator the First… he’s epic… and this is Saint Lackluster the Evanescent… he’s hardcore. Okay ORDERS: both of you, establish a perimeter around the castle and prepare your Shield Walls and Magic Missiles.”

The two nodded and made their way down the castle, both spreading wings of their own, black dragon wings for Terminator, midnight blue for Lackluster.

“Okay, I am here to help, so first, Albert Arlington I presume?” P1 nudged the inmate in the side, “Hey, you’re officially acquitted of all charges.” He informed.

Albert shot upright and gave P1 his undivided attention, “Really?” He was hopeful that this imprisonment would end swiftly.

“Yeah really, now c’mon, up, let’s go, this is serious business.” The blonde said as he gestured with a thumb to the stairs.

“Hold on, you don’t have legal authority here, and plus, HE’S A MURDE-” The white stallion stopped when P1’s influential magic struck his mind.

“He’s a murder-preventer, he’s a good guy, and you and everyone else will see him this way, that is all.” P1’s hand was covered in golden light.

Shining nodded ‘yes’ and shook his head clear, “What happened?”

“You stumbled and hit your head, I was just coming to get Albert here.” P1 said with a smile as he put his hands in his pockets and walked away.

“Yeah… stumbled.” Albert confirmed, following the guy who had so generously busted him out.

The two were gone before Shining could think properly.

“I need to be more careful then… oh damn my head hurts.” The unicorn groaned as he trudged to the medical bay to get some painkillers.

P1 and Albert stood under the castle, P1 was practically touching the Crystal Heart with how close he was to it, and he was quickly building up his power levels so that he could sustain himself.

“Okee, so, moving on… Albert, I’m going to get the others… stay here.”

The Weasel nodded and leaned against one of the three support struts, looking at the Crystal Heart as it floated there between the crystal spikes.

“Ah, Albert comrade, did you break out of jail?” Nikolai greeted, taking a gulp of vodka.

“No, a new guy showed up, some ‘Psychotic God of Goodness and Lepers’ or something.”

“Leprosy not good, comrade. He not sound good, but surely he did not say lepers? Where is he now?”

“Going to get the others, I was told to wait here.”

“I am one of others, so I wait with you, comrade.”

Nikolai leaned against the support strut next to Albert, then found himself attempting to copy Albert’s pose, but failing to do so due to being drunk.

“So… we talk about things?” The drunk russian tried to start a conversation.

“Okay… um… so do you have a family?”

“Da, but is not good, especially cousin, fifth marriage did not last long, her fault.”

“She was married 5 times? Damn…” Albert couldn’t even imagine getting married twice.

“No, I was… at the time… we married.”

“Oh I see-...” Albert clamped his mouth shut as the sentence actually registered in his head.

“Da, and wife number 3 was fat bitch, let me tell you…” Nikolai’s words were drowned out by Albert’s sole thought.

‘This is going to be a loooooong conversation.’ And Nikolai was still talking!

David and Agent 4 continued their roof-hopping, and eventually found a newcomer in town, walking down the street below.

“Get a load of this guy.” Agent 4 snarked, “Winter was so… literally last season.”

“He doesn’t look like much, but looks can be deceiving.” David said as he scrutinized P1.

‘He seems to possess a powerful source of dark magic… I will test this out.’

‘Good riddance… asshole cunt.’

P1 walked down the street, his black Vans sneakers making rubbery padding sounds on the crystal road as he stepped, looking for other humans.

‘Dammit dammit dammit, fuckin’ shit, WHERE ARE YOU PEOPLE!?!?!’

‘No need for such harsh language, dear sir.’

‘Maxwell of Maxworld, I know that voice anywhere, and I can picture you in my mind.’

‘Yes, it’s very well organized in here, do you have an organization disorder?’

‘Sort of… I can’t stand things being out of place… anyways… whaddya want? I’m kinda busy right now.’

‘Well, my friend David has been following you, and I noticed that you have great power with dark magic.’

‘I knew about them following me, I have a radar… and tell David that lying like he is isn’t going to work out in the end. ALSOOOO I have power with dark sorcery too, but sorcery is like evil magic, dark is an element, like fire or water, I have power with all elements… anyways NO, you can’t have any of my dark magic, it’s MY dark magic!’

Maxwell found himself barricaded away from P1’s thoughts, and decided to go back to David.

‘Aw shit, he’s back… FUCK OFF!’

‘I already fucked off, and when I got to the place I fucked off to, I fucked off from there, and I kept fucking off until I got back here… by the way David, that guy knows that you’ve been following him, he has a radar, whatever that is.’

‘Oh shit.’

“Oh shit.”

“What?” Agent 4 asked.

“I think he knows we’re following him, so he’s probably leading us away from the others.” David informed, trying to sound like he was guessing.

“Then we can take him out no problem.” Rarity silently dropped down behind P1 and activated her silent steps and invisibility cloak.

‘Yeah, come on, FIGHT LIKE A DAVID!’

David was conflicted, he wasn’t supposed to actually be evil, just pretend for a while, but if he didn’t follow, then Agent 4 would know that something was up.

He lowered himself onto the ground and quietly followed behind P1.

P1 suddenly stopped walking, shaking slightly.

Rarity walked up and stood a few feet to his side, ready to attack.

“.....*breathe in*” P1 readied for something.

“♪Oh…

♪Let me tell you a secret:
Even the devils have rejects.
Comin’ for me? Best believe it.
Divine for good, but I’ll send you to heaven or hell in pieces.
Chaotic Good, do what I have to save the peoples

♪I got a brain of sand.
So yeah, I’m quite insane

♪Oh I might use for face, to wipe my ass,
or stuff your mouth, with my sack.
It’s funny when I break yo’ bones, and I like to LAUGH
Try to fuck with my head, I bet you can’t.
‘Cuz you can’t break the mind of a PSYCHOPATH!

BEEYITCH!” P1 instantly turned to the side and shot Rarity in the leg with one Deagle.

Rarity cried out in pain from the sudden attack.

Another shot from the other Deagle hit David in the side of the arm, though it was barely a grazing shot.

He saw P1 give him a knowing wink.

“What the-” David pulled out his Dual MP5s and began spraying bullets at P1.

Or at least, at the space that P1 occupied a few seconds ago.

He was flying away, raining bullets down all around the two, far more and far faster than what normal Deagles could manage.

“He’s really bad at aiming.” Rarity said as she mended the hole in her leg and watched the bullets hit everywhere but her and/or Condition One.

‘No, darling, he’s missing us on purpose.’

“No, darling, he’s missing us on purpose.” David repeated Condition One’s words.

“Right now is not the time for pleasantries, right now is the time to evade.”

“Right, on it.” David pulled out his own teleportation remote and began entering the code for the Mothership.

Suddenly, what seemed to be another shot hit the Enter button mid-code, teleporting him somewhere completely different.

“Well shit.” Agent 4 said as she looked up at P1...

...Who happened to be right above her, then he back flipped several times and landed several feet away, telekinetically lifting the many bullets that had been lodged into the crystal street up and at attack level with Agent 4.

“You should know that Condition One will avenge me with unstoppable fury, right?” She warned, not scared of the man in front of her.

“He may have the balls to face me, but he doesn’t have the hitpoints, and plus… Sectumsempra, motherfucker!”

Rarity cried out in pain as dozens of small 7-shaped wounds opened up on her body with the burning pain of magic.

“Alright, if you live to get it, there’s a medkit with a single-use healing spell on that roof there, that one, that one there, see it? That one. Got it? Here’s a big neon sign to point it out for you.” P1 summoned a huge green neon sign that was pointing to one rooftop, “Okee bai.” He said, waving at her and teleporting away.

Rarity easily parkoured her way up, despite her wounds, and used the healing spell, which also restored her blood-count and cleaned up the burn wounds on her legs from the electrocution she’d faced yesterday.

“Great, now I need to find David… I wonder where he is?” The white anthro-unicorn thought aloud as she made her way across the city.

Stryker and Dovahkiin were eating some donuts while the latter charaded the rest of what had happened while the former, and the other five, were gone.

“I see… well, that’s not really much, any other kombat?”

The young boy nodded ‘no’.

“Well that’s good… anyways… is that Albert and Nikolai over there?”

Dovahkiin wondered why Albert was out of prison.

Of course, stupid adult Stryker was affected by the mind-altering magic of P1, and thus was not aware that Albert should have been locked up.

However, Dovahkiin was too young to be affected by the poorly-cast mind magic, and thus he knew the truth.

“Hm? Oh hello… Stryker komrade.” Nikolai greeted, at least acting civil.

“Must you make fun of me like that?”

“Da, Nikolai must demean your capitalist ways somehow, komrade.”

“Um… I don’t get it.” Albert said, confused as to how saying comrade was offensive or demeaning.

‘Just read the subtitles.’ Dovahkiin instructed, being at eye-level with said subtitles.

Stryker heard the flapping of wings and looked around, seeing P1 flying towards the group from the left, and Rainbow Dash flying in from the right.

“AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!” P1 laughed cheerfully as he caught Rainbow Dash midair and spun himself and her around as they descended to the ground.

“What in the name of Celestia was that?” The spectrum-maned mare asked, not knowing this new human and just being really, really confused.

“I was just having fun… okay… Fluttershy, where is she?” P1 asked, flexing his arms.

“She’s at the petting zoo, cleaning up and letting the animals back into the fields.” Rainbow informed, watching the man raise a hand and snap his fingers.

P1 disappeared.

Fluttershy hummed a quiet little song as she let all the cute little critters go, watching them start to frolic in the fields.

“Beautiful.” A gentle voice said behind her.

“Yes they are.”

“I wasn’t talking about the animals, Fluttershy, I was talking about you.” P1 said as he picked Fluttershy up and hugged her, nuzzling her and generally being as cuddly and personal-space-invading as Pinkie Pie.

Fluttershy started off scared, but was quickly comforted by the magic-enhanced hug, and soon started hugging back with a little smile on her face.

P1 was smiling wide, his life significantly more complete.

He teleported back to the castle while giving Fluttershy a piggy-back ride.

“Okay, I got her, and I need all the others too, otay? Otay, chop chop like the block block of the ayuxe with the ayuss.” P1 switched out his casual wear for a lion-fur robe, no shirt, gray dress-pants, no shoes, and Fluttershy laying on his chest.

He floated while laying face-up horizontally on a cloud bed.

“Get back here as soon as possible, I could gather all of them up… but I don’t have the knowledge of where they are.”

Lee landed in front of the small group, shortly followed by Trevor in his truck, the flamethrower’s nozzle held out the window.

“Okay, who’s the guy with the pony on him?” Trevor asked, looking at P1’s relaxed position, his hands behind his head as he chilled out.

“Name’s Evan, or P1 if you will, I would actually prefer you calling me P1, it’s easier to say… anyways, find the others, bring them here, and then we’ll talk, because this is serious business we’re dealing with here.” He said, sighing in contentedness.

All but Trevor nodded and went to find the others.

Trevor turned off his truck and walked up to P1, looking at him with a scrutinizing glare.

“So, ya think yer tough huh? Just cuz you can do yer weirdo floaty thing and change clothes by snappin’ yer fingers?” The balding man inquired.

“I don’t think, I drink… and act… mainly act, actually I’m nine years sober… JK I never drank in the first place… anyways… don’t you have someone to find?” P1 inquired back.

“Yeah, David, but he’s dead, that bitch Agent 4 and her new boyfriend killed him, we went over this already.”

“Oh yeah, right… so… yah, wanna hear about the cowboy who lived under raids?”

“No.”

“Well then… TOO DAMN BAD!” P1 said, clearing his throat and telling the tale he’d made up.

David appeared at the mouth of a cave, right on the edge of a slope.

“Oh shit!” He gasped as he lost his balance and fell down the slippery, snowy slope, feeling something fly off of his person as he hit the bottom.

His iPod was lost in the snow, and the button had been hit to play a song.

The crystalline walls of the cave reverberated the sound all around, making it sound like the music was coming from everywhere at once.

David scrambled around to find his lost iPod.

Wilson scrambled around to find his lost Light Sword.

‘Well, that could have gone better, dipshit.’

‘Hello? Anozzer blue voice? Vhat are joo doing here?’

‘What? Who the hell are you, sauerkraut?’

‘As Deadpool vould say, RACIST!’

‘Wait, Deadpool? Who am I even hearing?’

‘Hello fruend, my name iz Wilson Higgsbury, I can hear jour thoughts at this level of insanity… how are joo doing today?’

‘Um, not so good.’

‘HELP! I’M TRAPPED IN MY OWN HEAD! MY NAME IS DAVID AND HE’S HOLDING ME CAPTIVE!’

‘Shut the fuck up Condition One, I’m David, and you’re just a part of me, the crazy part.’

‘I vish I could have a separate crazy part, zadly I do not.’

There was a few seconds of pause, then the volume of the song got louder.

‘Vilson, vhat do joo zink zis music-playing device is?’

‘Deadpool called his an ‘iPod’, so I vill call it that as vell.’

David suddenly felt something warm and metallic on his hand under the snow.

He pulled it out, revealing it to be a glowing shape that looked like a sword.

‘Hey, I think I found a sword.’

‘Hold on just a second David...*ahem* Hey Wilson, my pal.’

‘OH CHRIST NO! NONONONONNONONONONONONONONOOO, NEIN NEIN NEIN! ABORT ABORT ABORT MAXVELL NOT VELCOME!’

‘What’s wrong pal? Aren’t we friends? I would have thought that you’d have been more happy to see me?’

‘Happy to zee joo six veet under!’

‘Maxwell, what the fuck did you do to this guy?’

‘I sent him camping… forever… and his only objective was to not starve, anyways, Wilson, we have your pretty little sword, if you’d like to make a trade, then we can trade.’

David smiled, the deal seemed quite fair.

Wilson didn’t care about the sword anymore, he liked this iPod.

‘Fünf, vier, drei, zwei, eins, null… he’s at zero sanity.’

Wilson’s pupils dilated to pinpricks as the Light Sword’s holy glow illuminated his face, and he began to find a new song to play.

“Keep that bullshit! Richtofen is all I need, if you have anything extra though, I’ll take it off your hands.”

‘Hey asshole, this glowy sword is better than your stupid Jackass sword.’

‘It’s Bastard sword, CO.’

“Zat perfectly describes me, chap, give it here.” Wilson held out his hand.

David handed over the bastard sword, and held out his hand for the scabbard to the Light Sword.

Wilson nodded, handing it over.

“Vell, eet’s nice to zee zat ve can settle zis peacefully, now if you’ll excuse me… YOLOLOLO!” Wilson shouted as he ran out of the cave from the way he came, a new song playing on the iPod.

David took several seconds to realize that he’d been screwed out of what was arguably his most prized possession.

By the time he looked at where Wilson had been, the insane man was gone.

“Well shit.”

‘You didn’t need it anyway, especially if you planned on playing more horrid dubstep.’

‘Or anything that isn’t rock or metal.’

‘Okay, both of you, SHUT THE FUCK UP! I can’t play ANYTHING now because now my iPod’s gone.’

Suddenly, a red creature with a fat, furry body, a goat head, goat hooves for feet, a chain around its waist, and steel bracers popped up out of the snow.

He reached down into the snow and pulled out a large, heavy-looking bag and slung it over his shoulder.

“I’m looking for someone named Wilson, he’s been veeeeery naughty lately, and needs to have some niceness beat into him.” Krampus said, looking up to David’s masked face, “Have you see him?”

“Uh, he went that way.” David pointed to the direction Wilson had run off in.

“Thank you kindly, nice sir.” Krampus said, giving a small salute and running off.

‘Ah, Krampus!’

‘That was weird, but anyways, C’MON DON’T WASTE YOUR BODY!’

‘So, Krampus, the monster that steals and kills bad children... Yep...’

‘HEY, LISTEN TO ME! YOU’RE OUT IN THE COLD WITHOUT A FIRE! GO BACK TO THE CRYSTAL KINGDOM DIPSHIT!’

‘I like the cold, but you have a point... but there’s a problem… I don’t know where it is relative to here.’

‘We’re in a cave to the west and a bit north of it. The storm has stopped, so you should be able to see for miles upon miles on end.’

David nodded, walked deeper into the cave until he found an exit, and looked to the left.

A small town was towards that direction.

‘Well that’s odd… we should be directly west of the Crystal Kingdom, wait, you didn’t go back the way you came, the teleporter device in your hand reads Iota-1.’

‘Wait, Iota-1? Dammit, you’re in the other dimension!’

‘Iota-1?'

‘We’re in an alternate Equestria, before the Crystal Empire was revealed! You’re stuck in a place where everyone knows you as me.’

‘So what the fuck is that town there?’

‘Unimaginative, but that town’s name is Ponyville.’

‘Hmm... perhaps we can try to make it so we’re not overly obvious.’

‘Wait a second, you’re facing the wrong way… that’s southwest… we’re in the Canterlot mountain range.’

‘If that’s a Monty Python reference, then I’m the Black Knight in this case. Let’s go.”

‘Surprisingly, it’s not… Canterlot is the capital of Equestria, the country to the south of the Crystal Kingdom.’

‘Well ol’ Maxwell’s out of the loop here, we’re in another dimension, in another location, and little Wilson is somewhere nearby.’

‘Fucking Evan and his guns, broke the teleporter.’

‘Why are you helping me all of a sudden? Weren’t you killing me before we fused or whatever we did?’

‘Oh trust me, you’re still an asshole cunt with a motherfucking sorry-ass face, but you’re still me, and I want my body to live, being alive is one of the few things I like.’

‘Thanks, I guess...’

‘So shall we go to Ponyville then? I want to hear the rest of that interesting song.’

‘Bad idea, Blue Comet might be there, and then there are the others in his group, it’d be suicide.’

‘Like, how many others?’

‘Total, twelve, maybe thirteen if he’s with those guys.’

‘He?’

‘The other person we got to take care of those people, also, in this place, it’s been over six months in the same time it’s been one day where we are.’

‘So, is this a bad time to talk to you guys?’

David turned around and saw a man jab his face with a long pole, and then he got whacked with it, and was out cold.

Awesomedude17 slammed the tip of his cane on the ground, and sighed.

“Great, he’s gone rogue, and now he’s out cold. Damon will be pissed.”

P1’s eyes snapped open, he felt a- “Disturbance in the force… SHIT! Someone just left the universe, okay… fuck me, but not really because now is not the time for such things… sheeeeeeit.”

“Your influence powers seem to be great, but they only barely match what Damon does with skill alone.” Michael said as he stood in front of the laying man.

“Alright… so since I’m a lazy bastard and I have a Fluttershy cuddling me, my fave p-awn, Blue Comet, will now inform you of your goals.”

A gray-clad man with blue and silver hair appeared, slung over his back was a hi-tech sniper rifle. Aviator glasses covered his eyes.

“*Sigh* What do you want now?” Blue asked, wanting to get back to learning about the Renaissance from Ezio.

“Ah, Blue Comet, I am Michael the Guide, and I am here to receive whatever instructions you might have for us in our quest against Damon.”

“Okay, so… P1 just telepathied me ‘the deets’, so to speak… so I’ll tell you what I know: Damon is strong, unbelievably so. He once sent Agent 4, who is a lightweight, so she has a small mass, through the equivalent of 35 brick walls, that’s hard to do… and even worse: it’s not his best. While his strength is unmeasured, his toughness is evidently limited, I once saw him shrug off a shotgun blast to the shoulder like it was a throwing needle, but a laser cut through his skin like butter.”

“Hmm, that shotgun thing is quite difficult. From what my relay is telling me, the 35 brick walls equivalent also includes a mahogany table at the end, mahogany is a very dense wood. Regardless, he seems to be very capable in close-combat. Any discernible weaknesses?”

“He seems to use the color blue a lot when he needs something done on himself.”

“Yes, the Ender Queen mentioned something like that, but it’s an unsure fact. It could be a lie.”

“Well, he’s a demon, so anything could be true.”

“True. I have learnt from your presence about some more top secret operations they are doing.”

“And have done in the past, you probably know about the Templar fight that forced me to fail Operation No Deuces for 9/11.”

“Yes... it was at that moment that Damon started building up his army to take over the world... But that is the least of our worries.”

“One thing is sure though, a few things really: One, he’s not a good teacher, so he has people for that, Two, he’s not afraid to hire people to do things for him, Three, he isn’t creative, and probably hasn’t thought of a back-up plan.”

“Yes, of course he’d do that. He wants to give the illusion of weakness for the first two, and last fact is an easily exploitable flaw, however. We can outsmart him in that way.”

“I think he just needs to be cut off.” P1 said as he sipped a glass of soda.

“Unfortunately, he does have a failsafe should he fall victim to death.” Michael countered, frowning.

“Failsafe?” This was the first Blue had heard of this detail.

“Project Zed, it’s so secret, only he and a few select members are allowed to know.”

“Zeds are Zombies, I know this.” P1 piped up.

“Of course you do, P1, you are an Alpha human, the most powerful beings capable of creation, if you weren’t here to be a beacon of ‘behind the scenes’ knowledge, then only by pure luck would we be able to figure out the nature of the project was geared towards zombies.” Michael extrapolated.

“So, wait, zombies?” Lee asked, not liking this.

“More like several different types, all together to make a mixed army that can potentially wipe out our crew if they are released.”

“Is it anything like the shit I saw?” Coach asked, cocking his shotgun.

“The Infected are amongst the Zed project, along with Nikolai’s zombies-”

“Nazi Zombies.” Nikolai recalled.

“- Lee’s zombies-”

“The Walkers.”

“-... And for some strange reason, Mad Cow... Tourette Zombies?” Michael looked in confusion.

“Aww… I wanted Mad Cow Coprolalia Zombies.” The Dude complained.

“Wait, Mad Cow...”

“It was the weirdest weekend I ever had. Don’t ask.”

“And let me guess… undead Zombies?” P1 added.

“If by ‘undead’, you mean reanimated with necrotic magic, then yes.”

Steve: my zombs?

“Yes, Steve?, and yours are probably the worst, one hit and it’s instant death for any one of us besides me or Steve?.”

“Why?” Stryker asked.

“Let’s just say, they are the most intelligent of the zombies we see, because they know how to use weapons.”

“Yeah, swords, axes, shovels… OH SHIT I JUST REALIZED! Steve?, your zombies’ hits take off one and a half hearts, which is taken literally, so the reason they’re so deadly is the fact that they’ll destroy your heart one and a half times over.” P1 added, much to the disturbance of the others.

“And I just received a piece of info that there is a Doctor Ned amongst the scientists.”

“Doctor Ned?” Coach raised an eyebrow.

“Doctor Ned is mad scientist who created zombies on a planet known as Pandora... my knowledge of that event is iffy however...”

“Pandora is the world in Borderlands… did you go there once?” P1 asked.

“Borderlands… by Gearbox... am I correct?” Michael guessed.

“♪Oh when I hear that Gearbox,
are releasing a sequel, my teardrops
are uncontrollable
I’m inconsolable

BUT FEAR NOT!

They’re tears of joy
Like me as a boy
On Christmas Eve when I see a box
I open it up and say ‘Whoa’ at the view
IT’S ONLY OVERFLOWING WITH LOOT!” P1 sang, enjoying himself.

“Yes, if I can contact Gearbox, I can relay info based on him.

“Anyways, ♪Stop chatting Claptrap, before I grab your nad-sack, and yank it so your nads are dropping LIKE THE STOCK IS, ON THE NASDAQ!” P1 finished.

“So, we got those zombies... any more, just in case?” Trevor asked.

“Just some info, for the Mad Cow zombies, you need to obliterate the head, decapitation is not enough.”

“Yeah, I remember that fact. Shotguns and sledgehammer work well enough.” The Dude chimed in.

“Well, funny enough, my smartphone has a video saved on it, watch this.” P1 showed the group a questionably-titled video that revealed a lot about some handgun cartridges.

“Da, Russian man knows what is what.” Nikolai commented.

“He has the same shirt that David had.” Lee noted.

“Had?” Albert asked.

“Oh, yeah, he’s... well...”

(This will be a hard choice. Everyone will remember this.)

Tell them about David’s death.

Tell them David got a wardrobe change.

Tell them David went missing.

-> Let Trevor tell them. <-

“Well... Trevor... you’re the one who saw it happen right? Or at least you saw the results. You tell them.”

“Tell us what?” Coach asked, feigning ignorance.

“So y’know that bitch that I ‘interrogated’? Well she and her asshole boyfriend killed David, I know, because her boyfriend had David’s sword.”

Dovahkiin, who was normally stoic, did end up getting shocked at the very least.

“What!” Most of the others yelled out.

“Eh, it’s an honor thing.” P1 replied in an unamused tone, “Sorry that I’m not sorry, but I think that’s what I’m thinking of… hold on let me look it up.” He pulled up Google on his phone.

“So... he’s... gone?” Spyro asked with dread.

“All that potential, down the drain, a pair of hands cut off from us.” Stryker summed it up pretty well, despite knowing the truth.

“Yes... he must have been ambushed before we left.” Michael lied, knowing fully well what David was actually doing.

Steve: & dat cud hav bin b4 we left to th End…

Steve: or b4 we came bak...

“It is sad day, comrades, for we lose a fellow red.” Nikolai said as he drank out of ‘sadness over a lost friend’ and not ‘addiction cleverly disguised as an excuse’.

“So, we have to avenge him?” Lee asked.

“FUCK YEAH WE DO!” Trevor said, “I may not have liked him all that much, BUT I’LL BE DAMNED BEFORE I STAB HIM IN HIS ALREADY-STABBED BACK!”

“Might as well, I got nothing better to do.” The Dude shrugged, right before looking at the blade of his balisong that he brought along.

“Mr. The Dude, are you really that apathetic to his demise?” Michael asked with a hint of anger, it may have all been a big lie, but if this was how The Dude would react to the real thing...

“You’re the ‘know everything’ guy, you find the answer.” Dude replied.

“I only know the solid facts.” It was a lie, he could also learn all of someone's memories, and if he stayed with them long enough, he could hear their thoughts/read their mind, however there was an illusion to maintain.

“Well, if it’s any consolation, I pretty much hate you all, except the kid.”

Dovahkiin blinked and looked at the Dude.

“The kid’s pretty kewl.” Dude added.

“Well, the kid’s ‘kewlness’ aside; if we’re in a group, then that’s so much more we can do in the time it takes them to do what two people can do.” Coach evaluated, using his past knowledge of (you guessed it) coaching to his advantage.

“Alright, so it’s settled soldiers, we-” Blue was immediately interrupted.

“None of us are actually in any sort of military, Nikolai was, but the key word is was.” Michael pointed out.

“I’m a Colonel, because P1 said so. Also, you all are now part of the 1st Player Army, so LISTEN UP! From here on out, there is no such thing as a ‘non-combatant’, we will do whatever we can to prepare for the storm, the storm that will wipe our sorry asses off the face of the planet if we don’t prepare.”

Stryker stepped forward to Blue Comet, and saluted.

“Sir, Yes, Sir!”

“Stryker, you are hereby promoted to Lieutenant, you will relay my orders to the others when the time comes, NIKOLAI! You have previous military experience, so you are hereby promoted to Sergeant, you will stay on the others’ asses to make sure no time is wasted.”

“DA! I will do my duty for the motherland, and our group!” Nikolai saluted as well.

“Alright… now then… I hope you all like training… because me… I love it.” Blue smiled the type of evil smile that only military leaders could conjure.

“Oh... ummm... I got a knee injury, I cain’t go an’ aggravate it now, ya hear?” Coach raised his hand up, hoping to get out of this.

“Permission to speak, m’lord?” Blue requested from P1.

“Shoot.” P1 replied, smiling at the hilariousness he was feeling from this.

“Heal his leg, please.” Blue requested.

“I’ll get Terminator on that.” P1 said as he snapped his fingers.

Coach felt a sense of dread from that name alone, and soon enough, a being appeared in front of him out of a cloud of purple sparkles.

Terminator, as he was called, was actually a seven foot tall half-Enderman, he was skinny and had the skin-color and eyes of a human, but the mouth, stature, and powers of an Enderman.

“Ho-ly shit.” Coach said in awe.

“Alright, let me just’a focus my power here.” Also, he had a Swedish accent and a ghostly voice.

“Hmm, reminds me of Ikea.” The Dude said as he thought about the Swedish.

“Or meatballs.” Terminator joked as he conjured a ball of bright red energy.

“I know I said. I’m sure some people remember a certain... incident, right?”

“Well I wasn’t there at the time, I’m not even legitimately from Sweden, but my father is, you know him, or at least some of you do.” Terminator looked at Stryker, Coach, Michael, Steve?, and Nikolai.

“Herobrine is your father, and your mother is Queen Enderia MCMXCVIII, or 1998.” Michael revealed the knowledge from his gains on the subject.

“Wait, so they did... OHH, I need lot of vodka now!” Nikolai fumbled around in his bag, looking for the precious bottle.

“It was a magical ritual in order to create the perfect being for killing good guys, however, Herobrine was reformed, and I killed my mother, so, I’m a good guy, and that’s how we’re on Queen Enderia MCMCIX, or 1999.”

“That’s a mouthful.” Trevor noted, grimacing at the amount of syllables in that name.

"Anyways, Coach, your leg is healed to the state it was in when you were in your prime.”

“Oh... really?” Coach hesitantly raised his leg.

“Yes, really.” A low, powerfully present voice said, and the group turned to see a huge black-armored knight with moon symbols on his tabard and shield. He appeared to lack a sword.

He was also seven feet tall, and his armor looked like it made him weigh another six hundred pounds.

“600 pounds of body, 400 of armor, nothing is going to physically hurt me.”

“Except for any amount of electricity.” Stryker countered.

“My paladin powers prevent damage from electricity, ice, necrotic energies, void energies, or holy powers.” The huge knight said, “While I will be fine, the same cannot be said for anything hit by the Dark Judgment.” His hands lit up with navy-blue magic

He summoned a sword that was 12 feet long, 18 inches wide, and 4 inches thick at thickest, it was black with a dark blue edge, had 2 foot long blade-catcher lugs, and was covered in divine silver runes.

“Saint Lackluster is a half-orc, who originally thought himself a rape child from an orc dad and a human mom, when it was actually a wimpy human dad and an exuberant orc mom, and that was right before he died… this conversation isn’t about the Dark Duo, it’s about Blue commanding all y’all mofos.”

“I minorly resent that, only minorly because you didn’t say the full word.” Trevor half-protested.

“Alright, Coach, knee?” Blue got the metaphorical train back on track.

“It’s… it’s good.” Coach found that his healed knee worked better than his not-bummed one.

“Good, because tomorrow, you will all start your intense training.” Blue said with a shit-eating grin.

“How intense?” Trevor asked, fearing for his stamina.

“Well, I wouldn’t surprised if your lungs spontaneously catch on fire.” Blue said, smiling wider

“Oh... fuck.” Coach just realized the implications of that sentence.

“And Lee, we might see if you can just sweat the infection out.” Blue smiled so wide it hurt.

“Oh shit.” Lee knew the weight of this situation.

“Stryker, all that acrobatics will come in handy, but you might want to get another parachute from Trevor.” Blue’s grin should have split his face open already.

“Oh lordy the possibilities.”

“And you expect me to run a lot?” Trevor asked.

“Yep, from here, to here.” Blue pointed to two spots an arm’s length apart.

“Well that doesn’t seem too far.” Trevor said with hope.

“Except you’re taking the long way around, I.E. around the city.” Blue added, smiling in such a way that you might expect him to just pick up the whole toilet and start chowing down.

“God...fucking-dammit.” Trevor said under his breath. Years of meth use had caused major damage to his lungs, and because of that, his cardio was something that could be outdone by many.

“Let’s see who else I can crush the hopes of… Dovahkiin, don’t expect me to go soft on you just because you’re young.”

Dovahkiin merely looked at the soldier with a ‘you’re a dick’ look.

“Let’s see… Spyro, I’m going to show you the true power that dragons like you should have”

“And how will you do that, bro?” Spyro asked smugly, finding that Blue finally came up short.

“Simple… *ahe-he-hem* FUS RO DAH!!!” Blue summoned up his own dragon power and let out the might of the Unrelenting Force.

Spyro was blown back, and crashed into the wall. A yellow dragonfly that had been flying around the purple dragon suddenly turned blue.

“Ow.” Spyro groaned out.

“Alright… hmm… Dude… you will be testing things… in a controlled environment.”

“ASSHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLE!” Dude hated things that were ‘controlled’, because ‘controlled’ usually meant ‘not fun.’

“Weasel, you’re going to take a test with actual live rounds flying at you, so stay low.”

“Well, when you’ve been me, that won’t be that much of a problem.” Weasel remembered when bullets flew by him during some robberies he pulled in 1925.

“Also, you will have to maneuver around with shackles on your arms and legs, the chains are about three feet long… also you’ll learn to pick locks of all kinds.” Blue could have emptied a septic tank at this point with the shit-eating-ness of his never-ending smile.

“Oh, you fucking prick.” Weasel muttered, but did seem interested at the lockpicking.

“Let’s see… Steve?, guess what you get to do?” Blue asked like he was addressing a child.

Steve: wat?

“PARKOUR!!!” He said cheerily, “YAAAY!!!” He clapped his hands overdramatically.

Steve: how do i parkor?

“I’ll show you, you can practice in the city, Parkour is the sport of running away, made by the French, included are such abilities as climbing houses using the parts of the door.”

Steve: sounds good. might be useful bak in home

Blue turned towards Nikolai.

“Nikolai, I need you to train sober.” He said simply, his grin gone for the moment.

“What!”

“You need to be at the top of your game, so after tonight, no more alcohol.”

“But Nikolai functions just fine while drunk!” The alcoholic protested,

“Then you’ll function better when sober.”

“If you want, Blue and Nikolai, I can make Nikolai a dwarf, and he’ll function better drunk than sober.”

“Nikolai will take dwarf… wait… what you mean by dwarf?”

“About 4 foot yea-high, glorious beard, uncontrollable desire for gold, can’t control your love of partying, and you function about three times better when drunk.” P1 informed, readying the spell.

“Oh, sounds like fun!” Nikolai smiled.

“However, you’ll have to switch to ale instead of vodka.” The downside was surprisingly simple, but horrifyingly impactful.

“Fucking extra strings attached... Nikolai either goes to ale, or goes cold turkey. Fuck me.”

“Yep, fuck you.” Blue said, grinning in a way that could practically deodorize Detroit from all the shit, and anything else nasty, that he would be eating.

“Finally… Michael…”

“Yes?”

“Some mages spend their whole lives unlocking the secrets of the universe, rather than, say: jogging, I want you to jog with Trevor around the city, and make sure he doesn’t slack.”

“If it will help us stand a better chance of fighting Damon, then I shall do it.”

“Good to hear. I’ve also made friends with someone who’ll aid me in making this journey a success.”

“Also, I’ll let you finish Blue, but I want to say that: you all need to remember, true power comes from great Strength and a powerful Constitution, not just from weapon skills and magic spells.”

“So, we need a bill of rights?” Trevor asked, not sure what he meant by 'constitution'.

“He means we need to stand our ground, and fight to our last breath, Trevor.” Michael explained.

“Actually, by ‘Constitution’, I meant the substance of your body, we need to be very strong and very tough, and we need to… well Michael already said the rest.”

Trevor grinned evilly, knowing that his inner power was a force to be reckoned with.

“Alright… so, yeah, Nikolai, your final verdict?” Blue said with enough shit and stuff eaten to purify all the water in Africa.

“Nikolai drinks vodka because vodka not hurt Nikolai like rest of world, ale will hurt Nikolai, so Nikolai would rather go sober.”

“Alright then… Dark Duo… get the fuck out of here and train in the place I told you to.” P1 commanded, and the two vanished

“So, mind telling us who this guy is?” Coach asked.

“No, I’d like it to be a surprise.” Blue said with so much shit and stuff eaten, he’d probably sort out the worldwide cleanliness systems for several months.

“Okay, okay, as much as I like this joke with the ascending level of shit-eating, GET ON WITH IT!” The godly blonde insisted, floating above the heads of the group as they all proceeded with their tasks with varying amounts of willingness.

Shining Armor, who had been watching from the side, was stunned.

“How’d you do that?” Shining asked the floating man.

“Simple, if Charisma was really such a useless stat, then why are charm and attraction such powerful forces? You should know that, stud, after all: YOU’RE MARRIED TO THE PRINCESS OF THAT SHIT!” P1 explained, barely explaining anything at all.

Shining figured that he wasn’t going to get any real explanation, and merely trotted away.

P1 smiled as he looked down at Fluttershy, running a hand through her mane as she snoozed on his chest.

“Don’t tell me you want to fuck her, do you?” Trevor asked with a snarl.

“This is not the time, nor the place, for anything of the sort, Trevor. This is serious business, and you KNOW it’s serious business when even I will take it seriously.” P1 may have been depraved, psychotic, and willing to do almost anything, but he wasn’t flippant.

“...You’re talkin’ about the Organization, right?”

“Yes, the Organization is surriyas bisnes, man, SERIOUS BUSINESS!”

“Then how come you’re taking a nap?”

“Because all I need to do is charge up my power levels and make up more powers, because I’m a gaaahhhd.” The robed man replied.

“You’re a fuckin’ lazy prick!”

“And you’re not running.” P1 and Michael said in unison, “Jinx, refill my soda.” P1 said, tossing the empty glass to Michael.

“Soda is not healthy for you, P1.” Michael informed.

“I’m a gaaaahhhhd, refill my me-damned drink, ency-bro-pedia.” P1 waved off Michael.

“I suppose… fucking gods.” Michael swore under his breath, starting his run with a detour to the kitchen.

“And Bro-ker Smoker, RUN!” P1 used a bolt of influence to make Trevor at least start his assigned training exercise.

Trevor continued his running when laser beams started coming down from the sky.

“So… sir, you said that you’d teach me that shout that you do when you bring us up here?” Spyro asked, looking at the ground 37000 feet below.

“Yeah, it’s the Hurricane one, no wait… the Whirlwind Sprint, Wuld Nah Kest, yeah. Okay, now do that and don’t get in the line of fire.” Blue informed as he watched Trevor running along the street about 7 miles below.

“Alright… by the way, how do you do that?” Spyro inquired, right as Blue took a shot that hit a few feet behind Trevor.

“The seeing thing? I was one of Damon’s agents as well, I received many modifications, one of which was this extremely powerful vision, 666/20 to be exact, so I can see 33.3 times better than normal.”

“You sound like a pretty epic guy.”

“I would be, but I’m only twice as tough as a normal human, a price to pay for investing too much in the shiny stuff… and the flight stuff… and the fiery stuff.” Blue realized just how much potential he’d wasted, “Hey… I don’t hear a Wuld Nah Kest.” He said, looking back at Spyro.

”WULD NAH KEST!!” Spyro shouted, feeling himself fill up with speed like the wind.

He flew out of the gazebo structure, and found that the air in front of him moved out of the way, and the air behind him pushed him forward.

Meanwhile, down on the ground, Trevor was still evading the every-so-often laser from the SBC-SR.

“*HUFF HUFF* FUCK!” Trevor tripped over himself, and was nearly shot by a nearby laser.

“Col. Comet is a crack-shot, he purposefully misses you to keep you on your toes and keep your legs moving.” Michael informed as he stopped to help Trevor up.

“Yeah well, if he really wanted to help, he could get me some new lungs.”

“I have a complete and unrestricted knowledge of surgery, I can fix you.”

“I ain’t letting you cut…*cough* oh god *cough*... my chest open...”

*FRRR-ZZHHH* An SBC shot hit a few inches in front of his feet.

“SHIT!!!” Trevor began to run again while holding his chest.

“TREVOR, ARE YOU HAVING A HEART ATTACK?” Michael shouted as the two raced off again.

“IT FEELS LIKE IT, BUT IN MY LUNGS TOO!” Trevor shouted back as he took a turn.

Michael followed quickly behind as ‘took a turn’ for Trevor meant ‘took a tumble’, he crashed into a nearby wall and an audible *CRACK* was heard.

“Oh dear Redigit… come on Trevor, if you can stand, then I can get you to the hospital.” Michael assured, trying to help Trevor to his feet.

“I ain’t wasted, you asshole... this is fucking bullshit!” Trevor decided just to run again, hoping that the lasers didn’t come back again.

They did, but at regular intervals, as Trevor realized. He then figured that the lasers were just there to simulate something that he might need to run away from.

“I can run normal just fine!” He shouted, cupping his hands around his mouth to make it slightly less improbable that Blue would hear him.

Of course, the slight difference didn’t do shit across about 8 miles of air.

P1 looked at the Crystal Heart, then at Fluttershy, who had returned to his little perch on the cloud couch.

He gently picked her up and laid her on his chest, smiling as she snuggled into him with an adorable expression on her face.

“Why do you always do that?” Stryker asked, having been walking by on the way to the teleportation rune to do another 'shock jump'.

“I have a deep-seated affection for dear little Flutters here, it cannot be changed, as I shall deny any attempts made to change it… just don’t worry about it, I haven’t done any mind magic to make her do something that she doesn’t want to do.”

“I can see, but why her in particular?” Stryker asked.

“Pony hugs are just one of those things, you know? And you can’t really explain love, it’s an abstract and subjective concept.”

“You… I mean… you have to be aware that most of the group would think that that’s really weird, right?.”

“I know, and I don’t give a shit, it’s a pretty insignificant thing to judge me on. I say that: if it is the mutual love between two consenting peoples, then it’s okay.”

“... Who said anything about... love?” Stryker backed away slightly, creeped out of his mind.

“I did, LISTEN, IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER, I HAVE BODY-CHANGING MAGIC TOO, OKAY?!” P1’s hands flared up with energy, and suddenly Fluttershy was levitated into the air and transformed.

Fluttershy transformed into a 6’4” tall human woman with a thin frame and smooth, practically flawless skin. She had a beautiful face framed by her long flowing locks of pink hair, which also trailed far down past her large, yellow, bird-like wings. In place of a butter-yellow coat of fur, she was wearing a yellow sweater, a long, dark green skirt, and brightly-colored ugg boots, all of which hid her lithe body well.

“EEP!!!” was her reaction to her new form, and she stumbled around trying to stand up.

“Don’t worry about it, Flutters, I’d never do anything to intentionally hurt you.” P1 said as he came down from his cloud for the first time in two days, having changed into what looked like a young Hulk Hogan.

Stryker left the two alone, changing from a fast walk to a run after P1 said, “Here, let me show you how to work the human body.”

From previous experiences over the last two days, and several conversations with the lazy god-figure, the officer-now-lieutenant knew that nothing decent would come of P1 doing this.

Dovahkiin looked back at the crystal filly standing on his back as he did push-ups, she smiled and pet him like an animal.

He was up to about ten pushups with an added weight, forty without.

“Alright, that’s not really good enough… hmm…” Blue took a peek out of the room and found Stryker about to do another one of his ‘shock jumps’.

“Hey Stryker!” He called out to his second-in-command.

“Yeah?” Stryker called back, taking a few steps towards his superior.

“C‘mere, I have this device that I need to test out.” The blue-haired man instructed as he pulled out a ‘Wand of Switching’ that P1 had made for the purpose of ‘Fucking with their minds’.

Stryker walked into the room and stood next to Dovahkiin.

“Okay, I need to see how this thing actually works, not even m’lord knows, and he made the damn thing.” With a flick and swish, an arc of energy flew towards the two.

Suddenly, both of them were encompassed in golden light, and Stryker’s body shrank in size, while Dovahkiin’s grew in size.

When the light was dismissed, there stood the two SWAT officers.

Except Stryker was now 10 years old, and Dovahkiin was now 29, instead of the other way around.

“What the...” The young Stryker blurted out as he looked at his hands.

Dovahkiin looked at his older body.

He was pretty buff, but was 5’6” tall, so that didn’t really do much for mass or momentum.

‘What the fuck did you just do to us?’ He charaded, glaring at his Commanding Officer.

“Well… it switches ages… interesting...alright, so… Kurtis Stryker, the 10 year old, and Dovahkiin, the 29 year old… y’know, I myself am 34 years old… just thought I’d throw that out there.” Blue said as he raised the wand again.

“You immature freak.” Stryker said, crossing his arms in annoyance.

“I’m not even being a freak, soldier, and yes, I am still your superior despite this temporary hiccup. Listen, alright, I just needed to see what this thing actually did… so now let me just change you back, aaaaannn-” He gave the wand a swish and flick.

Nothing.

“-Nnnnd… oh shit, P1 isn’t going to like this.” Blue said with dread, fearing the wrath of his creator.

“I don’t like this.” Coach said as he spotted Lee on a barbell bench.

“You said it yourself Coach, the more you sweat in training, the less you bleed in battle.” Lee replied, completing his 30-rep set.

“Well what if I don’t got anymore sweat to sweat?” Coach said as he looked at his gut, which already looked a tiny bit smaller.

“Then you need to drink some water, dehydration’s dangerous.”

“I know that Lee, I was the one who told you that… and I'm not dehydratin', I’m just trying to keep the mood light…”

“It has been a while since that incident on the field.”

“Yeah, I know... Still, might as well do this, and since it’s so worth doing, we need to do it right.”

“You said it, mah nigga.” Lee agreed, now spotting Coach for his own lifting set.

“Y’see, that’s the kinda talkin’ that got some athletes in trouble… speakin’ a trouble… wanna hear a story I heard from Ellis?” Coach had a plethora of stories from the scatterbrained young man.

“Hmm… sure.” Lee accepted.

“Alright, well Ellis and his buddy Keith once made homemade bumper cars in Keith’s backyard…” Coach went on to tell the story that he now regretted not hearing all of.

Albert ducked behind cover as several bullets went all around his head.

Nikolai cleared his throat of some phlegm as he fired at his ‘sparring partner’.

A warehouse in the city had been cleared out and enchanted with the ‘training room enchantment’ that the Ender Castle training room had, and so whenever they were to ‘die’, they simply revived ten seconds later.

They both had major disadvantages.

Firstly, Albert had his arms and legs shackled with three foot long chains.

Secondly, Nikolai was sober, and his head felt like an over ripened watermelon for a brain, with a layer of tortilla chips for a skull and some paper for skin.

“Nikolai is-*BLARGH*...*labored breathing* still going strong, comrade, it is 5-4 in Nikolai’s favor.”

“Yeah yeah yeah… GET OUTTA HE’E!” Albert said as he quickly jumped out from cover, fired his Ray Gun in Nikolai’s direction, then stumbled as he tried to get back behind cover.

Nikolai felt a searing pain in his left shoulder, and found that his whole left arm had been lasered off.

“Well shit…” He muttered as he switched to a pistol and kept shooting, not bothering to stay safe, as he needed his arm back.

Albert jumped out quick, fired his Ray Gun, and half-ducked just in time to have a bullet go through one ear and out the other.

Nikolai fell to the ground as the laser blasted through his head.

Ten seconds later, the two revived, fully formed and ready to go again.

“Alright, new plan…” They both said at the same time.

“Time to go full gangster on this bitch.” Albert pulled out a switchblade.

“Time to go Red Army on this сука.” Nikolai pulled out his NR-40 army knife.

Albert snuck around under the cover of the many crates in the warehouse, sneaking around to where he last saw Nikolai.

Nikolai simply vaulted out from behind his cover, shouting like a barbarian and running to where he last saw Albert.

The two went on a knifing rampage.

The Dude looked in dismay at the targets on the shooting range.

Non-living targets.

No explosions.

Frangible ammunition!

“The fuck does ‘frangible’ even mean!?” He shouted in frustration, wishing to kill something.

“Fragile or brittle. Your bullets are basically high-velocity saltine crackers. Listen, Postal Dude, freedom is a good thing, and order is a good thing, but one without the other is a disaster, but both together is great. Just as some of us need to learn passion, some of us need to learn control.” Blue said from the side, using a Beretta 92FS.

“Yeah, well there’s also corruption everywhere. Have you seen my life? My world’s full of bigots, idiots, corrupt people, and some other combination, and I’m in the middle of it, just looking like I don’t care. My world was falling apart, even if I didn’t murder people.”

“Well… now you’re not, listen… I don’t care if you don’t like being here, this is your new home, and as long as you’re in it, it’s your duty to help defend it.” Blue said, landing several shots in deadly zones.

“Whatever.” The Dude took out a glock, and aimed for half a second. A single shot hit the dead center of the target.

“Impressive.” Blue said, that level of target-locking skill was remarkable.

The Dude switched to burst fire, and took another shot. Three rounds hit some areas where significant damage would occur, but not as impressive as the single shot.

“Gun control of the best kind… this is my gun, and I’m going to control it.” Blue recited, chuckling as he emptied his Beretta into the target.

The Dude sighed, and took out an M16.

“And this is my gun.”

He fired at several targets, hitting mostly in the 8-9 zones of center mass.

“And I control it.”

“Well my gun can only be controlled by me, so…” Blue fired the SBC SR and cut a target in half with a sweeping motion, “... Yeah… firing your heart out is fun as hell.”

“I know, but I gotta do this ‘in controlled environments’... sonuvabitch.” Dude mocked.

“Well, would you rather be getting shot at while training?”

“It would be more fun, and make me have more happy feelings in my heart and pants, but apparently I’m not allowed to train under fire.”

“Tell you what, if you really aren’t enjoying the boring-but-safe firing range, then take yourself to the warehouse marked 1st Player Army Training Grounds, that’s where Nikolai and Albert are doing there own thing.”

“Hmm, sounds good.” The Dude nodded in approval.

The red-headed man put his rifle into his coat and walked away immediately.

“Well, no need to hesitate in your decision.” The commander snarked, deciding to simply start tearing shit up.

It was fun.

Steve? looked at the street below, then at the soldier beside him.

“Okay… now then, have you been practicing your 45 degree angles?”

Steve: ya, I tink I got it

Steve? sprinted to the edge of the roof and jumped off at a perfect 45 degree angle, pushing himself forwards and upwards equally and landing on the rooftop across the 5-meter-wide street.

Blue propelled himself with a jump and a flap of his wings, landing a few feet further than Steve? had.

“Alright, now jump ten more times.”

Steve? did the jump ten more times, each was just as successful as the first.

Steve: ok, now wat?

“Sweet, you’ve got that down, now for some other movement stuff, Wall Jumping.” Blue led the way to the ground.

Steve? landed hard, taking half a heart of damage.

“Alright, so just run to the wall, then jump and turn, and jump off the wall, repeat after me.” The winged soldier jumped between the alleyway walls several times, building enough height to land on the roof.

Steve: ok, now me then

Steve? tried everal times, but just couldn’t seem to get more than two or three jumps linked together.

“Hmm...” Blue mused, “...Maybe… maybe we can combine lessons early, here’s the next lesson, the Reach Extending Tools, do you have anything that could hook onto or into the crystal walls?”

Steve? pulled out his diamond pickaxe and used it to hook onto the walls.

The improvement was instantaneous, as Steve? easily linked together over a dozen jumps.

“Good, you’re learning quickly.”

Steve: yes, jumping is so easy wit a pick 2 help

“Yes, but you will eventually have to learn not to rely on that… okay, next lesson, so you may have not noticed how the first lesson involved one wall, and this one added two more, so what’s next? The fourth wall of course!”

“Of course by wall, I mean ceiling, and by first wall, I meant ground… so this is the Missile Jump, combine the Roof Jump and the Wall Jump along these four walls to launch yourself down this tunnel, I’ll stand on the other end and try to track you with a kinetic weapon.” The soldier did the Missile Jump down the hall, then pulled out an M-16 and aimed it down the hall.

Steve? did his best, as he never did any less, and managed to avoid every shot and end the jump by tackling Blue to the ground.

“Okay… awesome, that was practically perfect, it wasn’t actually perfect because perfection is impossible… so let’s check the marks on the wall and see some possible collateral damage you might have made your opponent dish out.” Blue pulled out a mapping device and aimed it down the hall.

Several possible scenarios came up, a sandstone tunnel that would end up collapsing, busted pipes in a factory setting, a house that ends up getting some of the electricity cut off due to the wires getting shot out.

“As you can see, the Missile Jump can be deadly if done right, and the only way to do it wrong is to fall down.”

Steve: cool, so wat now?

“As for right now, your time is done, until I think of more things to teach you.”

Steve: okay, ill help the builder ponies wit the town repairs.

The blocky miner walked out to the street, then sprinted down the road towards the ‘Crystal Crush’ section of town.

"Alright… now then… all that’s left is…” He pulled out a list.

“Well then… Col. Blue Comet, get to training… yes sir, me sir.” He said to himself, getting into a hover.

“YES!!!” A blue clad man come out of nowhere in particular.

“I’m wondering, who or what brought you here?” Blue wasn’t phased by the sudden appearance of the crazy American soldier, as he knew that this man would be spastic.

“Who brought me? Why ME! OF COURSE! WHAT’S THE ORDERS SIR?!” The man asked, saluting the Colonel.

“Alright Soldier... keep an eye out for any suspicious people, if you catch someone, just attack them, or something.”

“OKAY!... So what about that dirty red-headed guy who showed up a minute before I fell over the Dispenser?”

“No, not him. Although if he goes psycho-”

“ALRIGHT! ALSO, SIR, PERMISSION TO ASK A QUESTION?”

“Permission granted.”

“Where are we? I don’t recognize this map.”

“... Hold on just a fucking second… okay… where did you even come from?” Blue recalled Soldier being in the other universe.

“Sir, I am the Soldier, a proud all-American man and veteran of World War 2, though nobody ever acknowledges my ten-year enemy-killing campaign.”

“World War 2 lasted from 1939 to 1945, that was six years… you were killing people for four years after that? How did this not come up befo- wait, when were you deployed?"

“I was deployed in ‘44… is that a problem sir?”

“My god... literally my god... is the only one who could deal with this fuckery… follow me soldier.”

“It’s ‘Soldier’, sir, with a capital ‘S’.”

“Of course it is… anyways, your Commanding Officer, Col. Blue Comet, will now lead you to P1.”

“Sir… permission to speak freely?” Soldier asked with a hopeful voice.

“Permission hesitantly granted.” Blue winced and braced himself for whatever would come out of this crazy man’s mouth.

“I like you a thousand times more than before in the Equestria place, I was never informed that even your name is Blue.”

“... Which Equestria, did any of you figure it out?"

“Um… I heard it being called Iota-1.”

“Oh… then we need to double-time to P1, now.” Blue led the way in the air.

Soldier dutifully followed, his Direct Hit aimed at anything and everything that moved.

“...Okay…… so… we’re going to have to talk to P1 tomorrow, he’s busy right now.” Blue said, failing to open the door due to it being locked.

“Okay then… so do you have any wizards that I can bunk with?”

“Michael might count, he does magic.”

“A mage is like a wizard, only not as cool… IT MAKES ME LOOK BETTER BY COMPARISON!”

Dovahkiin, who had been approaching the soldiers, instantly stopped walking towards the two and turned around, walking away.

“So… did Blue get a fix for this?” Stryker asked, looking up at the still-older officer.

Dovahkiin shrugged, having not had the patience to ask Blue past that loud-talking guy.

“Well goddammit, this is serious, Dovahkiin, and we need to get this fixed, QUICK!” The brown-haired boy insisted, stomping his foot for emphasis.

Dovahkiin facepalmed, he was already feeling conflicted.

When he was a kid, adults were just so fucking stupid.

Now he was an adult, and this kid was just so fucking annoying.

‘When will my despisal of others end?’ he thought grimly, dragging his hand down his face and walking to his room.

Stryker looked at Dovahkiin leaving, then to the side, only to find an overweight boy dressed up like a wizard standing there.

“Hey there dude, you look new around these parts… what’s your name?” Cartman asked.

Stryker was handed a card to write his name on.

Kurtis Stryker he wrote.

He looked back at Cartman, who held out a ballot-box looking container.

The de-aged boy put the paper into the slot.

Cartman shook it up for a few seconds, then pulled off the top and looked at it.

“You have entered ‘Douchebag’, is this correct?” He asked.

Stryker nodded ‘no’ very hard.

“Alright, but you chose ‘Douchebag’, right?”

Stryker nodded ‘no’ very hard and made a ‘hold up a second’ gesture.

“You have confirmed your name to be ‘Douchebag’, welcome aboard, new kid.” Cartman finalized, leading the way to the room he’d taken over as the ‘Crystal Division of the KKK’.

Stryker facepalmed, and looked at Dovahkiin, who was in the hallway, for help.

He merely shrugged and gave Stryker a ‘Been there, done that’ expression.

“Well this is going to be shitty.” Stryker said through his hand.

“HOLY FUCKING SHIT! HE TALKS!” Cartman exclaimed in surprise, “WOW! THE LAST GUY DIDN’T SAY A FUCKING THING, except for that one time he stole my line.”

Cartman was about to continue walking, but found Dovahkiin standing in the way.

“Out of the way you dumbass grown-up.” The fat ‘wizard’ commanded impatiently.

The blond man sighed and sidestepped the staff-shot to the nuts that Cartman almost delivered to him.

“That right, respect mah authoratah!” Cartman said in a ‘take that!’ tone, right before he led Stryker to the new KKK area.

Stryker only groaned in frustration.

“Okay… so before you can become a full member of the Kingdom of Kupa Keep, you have to pick your class.” The wizard handed him a few cards with crude drawings on them.

Stryker looked at each one.

Fighter: The fighter has courage, honor, and the ability to kick fucking ass

Mage: A mage is like a wizard, only not as kewl

Thief: A white thief huh? Never heard of one, but interesting.

Jew: Jew eh? Guess we’ll never be friends then.

“Um… I’m a Kombatant.” Stryker informed.

“Oh-ho-ho, a veteran of the arena? Alright, show your moves to this Craig zombie.” Cartman looked at the portal that had opened up in the room, and motioned for Craig to be pushed through.

“Deutsche Schulen!” Craig said in a strange voice that sounded like an audio clip rather than a real voice.

Stryker entered his Kombat stance

A green portal in space opened up, and Shao Khan stepped through, looking at Stryker.

“Not quite a Babality, but I suppose it’s close enough.” The lord emperor said as he pulled out his Wrath Hammer, “For the moment, I am tasked with enforcing the rule of the Elder Gods.”

“Um, Shao Kahn? The Elder Gods aren’t exactly who you’d think.” Stryker replied, pulling out his baton.

Craig Zombie watched the opening of a brown portal, which was textured to look like a circle of shit.

Trey Parker stepped through, armed with a tablet and a pen.

“I have to defend RPG mechanics, for some reason.” The creator said, putting his pen to the tablet.

Stryker moved first, running up to Trey Parker.

“SPREAD ‘EM!” He shouted, shining his flashlight in the man’s eyes.

Trey yelped in pain and covered his eyes with his hands.

Stryker took this chance to…

Wait… he was no longer at eye-level.

So taking his new height into account, he smashed his flashlight into Trey’s crotch.

“GAH-FUUUUUU~!” Trey screamed, his voice about four octaves higher than it was before.

The brown-haired boy smashed his baton into Parker’s wrists, breaking them and exposing his crotch once again.

Then came the taser to the balls.

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZHHH* The creator seized up and fell backwards.

“BUSTED!” Stryker said in an almost mocking tone.

Shao Kahn walked towards Nazi Zombie Craig with his hands alight with his soul magic.

"I AM SHAO KAHN, KONQUEROR OF WORLDS! You will taste no victory

His Wrath Hammer appeared in his hands, and in one fell swing, he crushed Zombie Craig into the Mortal Kombat version of a pancake.

“Dudes, that was the MOST BADASS THING I’VE EVER SEEN!” Cartman whooped, hollered, and cheered.

“The law has been enforced, my duty is done, if you ever need my help again, Stryker, take this card.” Kahn handed the boy a business card.

By the time the little SWAT officer looked up again, the giant beast of a warrior was gone.

“Soooo ALRIGHT, yeah, that was sweet, okay Douchebag, you can be a Kombatant, and you are officially named the Champion of the KKK.” Cartman decreed.

A brief montage later, Stryker was decked out in Riot Police Armor.

You got: Riot Police Armor Set

Armor: This armor set gives you a total armor rating of 210

Search and Destroy: The helmet lets you lock onto enemies.
Crest of Danger: The helmet is a sign of danger, enemies will attack you before anyone else

Crowd Control: The gloves give you a damage multiplier, damage X # of enemies.
Riot Shield: The gloves give you bonus armor, # of enemies x 5

Civilian-Proof: The body armor prevents low-level enemies from damaging you.
Heavy Duty: The body armor is heavy duty, emphasis on heavy, you are automatically slowed when wearing it.

“Hm, those are actually some pretty good net gains, I suppose.” Stryker noted, looking at himself in the mirror.

“Yeah, now come on Douchebag, we have work to d-” Cartman frowned when Blue Comet poked his head into the room.

“Who the hell are you?” Cartman asked Blue Comet.

“I’m Col. Blue Comet of the 1st Player Army, and you might be?”

“Grand Wizard Cartman of the Kingdom of Kupa Keep, and this here is KKK Champion Douchebag.” Cartman motioned towards Stryker.

“Right… anyways, Stryker, sorry to cut your second childhood short, but Soldier got this great idea.” Blue recalled it.

“Alright sir, I made this wand do more of its magic stuff.” Soldier said, holding up the wand.

“What? How? It was out of power.”

“Turns out, all we needed to do was tap it on this glass heart thingy here, watch.” Soldier tapped the Wand of Age Switching on the Crystal Heart.

The Crystal Heart let out a small pulse of energy, and the words +1 Charge appeared out of the wand.

“Okay then… if that actually works, I’ll be amazed that you actually did something right.”

“Understood, sir, with a great amount of disgruntlement.” Soldier said, muttering curses under his breath.

“Good.” Blue Comet took the wand from Soldier, and went to find Dovahkiin and Stryker.

“So yeah, and now if we find Dovahkiin, then we can get you two switched back.”

“KKK Champion Douchbag, what is that stupid adult talking about?” Cartman asked, looking at Blue like he was crazy.

“Um, I’m actually an adult, I’m that SWAT guy you see around sometimes.”

“But then that means that the blond SWAT guy is... King Dovahkiin… OH FUCKING SHIT!” Cartman cursed, slamming his staff on the ground in frustration.

Stryker left the Grand Wizard to his own devices as he and Blue went out to find Dovahkiin.

“GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!!!” Cartman shouted in anger.

“Jesus, how’d a kid like that get a mouth like that?” Stryker asked Blue.

“How the fuck am I supposed to know? He swears like a sailor though, or even a soldier… no no no he’s angry, so a sailor.” Blue replied, looking for the other SWAT officer.

“Yeah, I noticed.”

“Anyways, any idea as to where Dovahkiin might be?”

“No idea really, we can check the donut shop, and if he’s not there, then I’m out of ideas.”

“How did that stereotype even get started?” Blue asked, curious.

“You know... I have no idea.” Stryker blinked.

“It’s because donuts are cheap, easily stored in bulk, and have a burst of sugar for some energy that cops may need in case of an emergency. That, aaayand donut shops are usually open at really early and late hours” P1 revealed, walking alongside the pair in a military officer’s outfit.

“... That’s actually good logic there.”

“Thanks, I may have gotten it from the internet, but it’s the most probable explanation.” P1 replied, smiling as his jade-colored eyes glowed slightly with power.

“You have any idea where Dovahkiin is?” Blue asked the godlike Alpha.

“Like as like, so as is with people… um… dragons, he’s with Spyro, and they’re at a cafe.” P1 said as he mentally accessed the satellite that he’d launched.

“How’d you know that?” Stryker asked.

“I used my summoning powers to make a satellite, and I launched it, so I basically have a GPS in my head, because I can access it with my mind… my power is growing stronger, but it will be limited again if we change universes.” The Alpha explained, looking out the window, “By the why: they’re at a café, only a few blocks awa-... a few blocks from here.”

“What was that?” The brown-haired boy asked.

“M’lord hates rhyming when he isn’t singing, and will do what he can to avoid it… if one slips and it's noticed, he usually shoots himself.”

“Jesus motherloving Christ, that’s horrible.”

“Eh, I only pretended to do it before my ascension, now I could actually do it and simply heal myself… but I digress, to save time, I’ll just teleport you two to them, okay? Okay.” P1 blinked his eyes and both soldiers vanished in a flash of golden light.

Looking at the café below, he noted something, "This is the longest, vividest, and best dream that I've ever had."

Lee dropped down in front of the café, wishing to get some food after a long day of work.

Dovahkiin blinked in surprise at the sudden entrance.

“Wow dude, you looked tired.” Spyro said, chomping up another egg whole.

“Well, I’ve been working out and sweating up a storm all day, I need some refueling, and maybe an ice bath.”

“Alright, so how’d it go?” Spyro asked, not sure what an 'ice bath' was.

“I’m just tired, but luckily my nerve endings don’t really work all that much anymore, so I don’t feel sore.”

Dovahkiin was about to point out that non-working nerves was a bad thing, when suddenly a flash of golden light exploded from off to the side.

Blue Comet and Stryker appeared.

“Alright, SHAZAM!” Blue did the flick and swish motion, and the two SWAT officers switched their ages again.

Stryker looked at his hands, and smiled when he saw that they were now their aged selves.

Dovahkiin merely looked at the two adults, and decided that this was just another adventure caused by stupidity, again.

Seems like moving to South Park made things like that happen about 5 times more often.

“Alright, so, Private Lee, have you done you-”

“I’m refueling because it was hell, several hours of lifting and running, I know it’s probably straining me, but I can’t feel it. I’m just going to get something to eat and go take an ice bath.”

“Alright soldier, that sounds like a good plan, one that would be worthy of taking the credit for… but I’m not that kind of dickface, so how about we all just have a sit-down and enjoy some dinner.”

Dovahkiin started to note that Blue Comet might be a bit of a narcissist, but decided against calling him out for it at the moment.

“Alrighty, so what do they have here? Where’s the menu?” Lee asked as he looked around.

Suddenly...

The spell worked, and the whole kingdom took on the gray hue of the spell rather than the blue of the night.

Mage #6 looked down at the town, wondering where Agent 4 was.

She spotted a familiar shape, kneeling down on the edge of a rooftop, and hovered down to it.

“Report, name?” She asked in her wizened tone.

“Mage #6? I’m surprised they’d send you, of all agents, to recover me and Condition One.”

“It was a bit of a problem front, Damon decided he needed to... downsize.” Mage #6 replied.

“Downsize? Well, I’d figured he’d just decided to bring in the big guns already.”

“Well, after some pretty pathetic deaths, he did, that’s why I’m here… I’ve already cast the Silence of Fear spell on the whole kingdom, so that ought to leave these idiots fumbling around for a few days.” The witch revealed, closing her wings and landing next to her ally.

“You’re fucking kidding me... Well, if you need to know, I’ll just say it, Evan just made CO disappear, gone from this world.”

“They’ve already tracked him, he, as well as The Postal Dude, are in Iota-1, while Soldier and Blue Comet are here.”

“Soldier we can outsmart, it’s Blue who I’m worried about.”

“I know, it seems that his ‘creator’ Evan has unlocked some new powers for him, so he’s a bit more dangerous.”

“Powers? First he betrays us, then he trains our enemies, and now... this is starting to become too much for its worth.”

“I just hope that they don’t realize the potential they have.”

“Unlike you, dearie.” Rarity said, removing her mask and blinking in the sudden darkness.

“Exactly, unlike me.” Mage #6 removed her hood and mask, which was white with blue outlines, and talked to Rarity face-to-face.

The moonlight barely illuminated her purple face, but her amethyst eyes, brimming with magical power, shone clearly through the darkness.

… everything turned grayscale, and very, very quiet.

“What the hell?” Lee said, his voice barely above a whisper under the veil of this curse.

“Where’d the crystal ponies go?” Blue asked, looking around where the few handfuls of ponies had been, now gone without a trace.

“I’m just going to go take that ice bath, okay?” Lee dismissed himself, leaping to the castle.

“Hmm...”

“Hey, why is everything black and white?” Nikolai, who was passing the group by, asked.

“We see it too… shit.” Blue flew up into the air and looked around, seeing nothing.

“Ehh, is like cosmodrome all over again.”

“I thought you said you were from 1945.” Stryker noted.

“I time traveled a lot, it is confusing, so I just drink.”

“Everyone, I think a spell has been cast on us… notice something?” Blue clapped his hands.

Everyone looked around, and noticed that the sound echoed very hollowly and emptily, probably being heard for miles.

They all knew that it should not have sounded like that.

‘What is this?’ Dovahkiin charaded.

The wind was silent, the only sounds around were breathing, not even Nikolai’s footsteps or Blue’s wingbeats made any noise.

“Okay… this is freaky, I’m outta here” Spyro said, flying back to the castle.

Stryker noticed something while watching Spyro fly away.

He and his fellows were the only things with color.

“This is creepy.” Lee said, noting the muted (in both sound and color) world they were in.

Spyro landed in the room, seeing Lee laying in a metal bathtub filled with ice.

So that’s what an ‘ice bath’ was, it was literally just a bath in ice cubes.

“Hey Lee, what’s up?”

“Well, the world’s quiet, and gray. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that the Walkers warped reality into a George Romero movie, and are now coming for us.”

“I don’t know, it feels like magic… I just hope that something doesn’t happen on top of this.”

“Magic or not, this isn’t natural, so something might happen. I just know it.” Lee said.

A silhouette appeared before them, a man-shaped figure, who quickly faded into an ethereal image of a blond-haired man wearing a strange set of green clothing.

Link was playing the ocarina in his sleep.

Just as suddenly as the first, a second set of notes came from the ocarina.

The ethereal image faded, and there was a low, watery groan in the hallway.

“That can’t be good.” Spyro said, ready to charge at the beast that might attack.

Lee got out of the bathtub, and prepared to leap and claw the monster within these halls.

The door opened slowly, and Albert walked in.

“Um… guys… there’s a huge, imposing, heavily armed thing out in the hall… I came in here to hide…” He said, his voice also muffled by the magical veil.

“OH... I had to say it, didn’t I?” Spyro said with slight fear.

“I had to affirm it too.” Lee dreadfully replied.

The infected man looked out in the hall to see what the thing was.

Right then, the slight blue tint to the air turned red, and the thing awoke.

It took every fiber of Lee’s being to not scream as the soulless-looking-thing turned to him.

He ducked back inside the room as the clattering of the Silent Guardian’s footsteps came down the hall.

Lee scrambled to get his pants and shirt back on, and the collar of his t-shirt was pulled below his head right as the door shattered inwards.

Spyro flew out of the room with Lee in tow.

Albert shot the thing with his Ray Gun, only for the beam to reflect off its face and fire out the window.

“Oh shit.” Albert looked at his gun, then at the monster, and promptly danced past it and ran away.

The monster followed, moving like it was lumbering after the former gangster, but going much faster than it should have.

Unlike Albert, it’s footsteps made noise.

Loud, hollow, metallic clanking noises echoed throughout the halls of the Crystal Kingdom Castle.

Michael left the Aquamarine Storage Room, thinking to himself.

“So this spell has been cast over the Crystal Empire, a curse, shrouding it in silence… should we survive the night here, then the day will greet us with more of a gritty, hardcore horror, rather than a terror-filled nightmare of a silent death…” He mused, looking down the hall.

Instantly the situation turned around, as a large figure stood there, wielding a massive sword and wearing a large metal device on its head.

“Pyramid Head, one of the deadliest creatures of the realm of Silent Hill, not impossible to defeat, but very improbable.” Michael narrowed his eyes, readying a spell.

Suddenly, a flash of midnight-blue light appeared in the hall, and a dark blue shape appeared, a large sword clashing with Pyramid Head’s as the latter reacted much faster than it should have.

“Stay back, Sage Michael, for this abomination cannot be allowed to roam the night.” Luna said, levitating her chosen weapon, the True Night’s Edge, up for another stalemate.

Michael looked at the ethereal being, and smiled.

“Thank you princess, it would be a pleasure to meet you, but right now, I should run.” Michael began to run for it as Luna began to clash with the monster.

“Do not flee, for you can defeat this beast whilst I distract it.” Luna informed, slashing several times in one second, but the attacks barely did anything to harm the foul boss.

Michael stopped in his tracks, and nodded. The info based on this monstrous beast that used to be a man would still be coming, but he thought he’d have enough power to fight this beast, even if only with some help.

Snapping his fingers in a powerful burst of mana, he teleported behind Pyramid Head and unleashed a stream of Holy Flames, burning its exposed backside and revealing a pentagram carved into its back, glowing with infernal energies.

“Let us see if taint can develop into decay, shall we?” The wise man said with a murderous smile as he launched a stream of Tainted Flames at his foe.

The pentagram shone a toxic green, getting brighter and brighter and giving Pyramid Head more power, until...

Luna backed away as the negative energies reached critical charge, and the pale-skinned beast’s skin peeled away with great force, snapping off at the hands, its muscles broke off of its bones like snapped rubber bands, blood spraying everywhere.

Its massive sword fell to the ground, and Michael picked it up.

Demonic Anubis Cleaver
127 melee damage
95% critical strike chance
Snail speed
Insane Knockback
Material
+15% damage
+5% critical strike chance

“Material… there is something greater along this path, should I choose to take it… Princess Luna, you are here because tonight is a-”

“New Moon, correct, many nocturnal beasts think that they can get away with committing their travesties under the shroud of the night, but they are fatally mistaken.” The considerably-more-badass princess explained, sheathing the True Night’s Edge on her back.

“Yes, alright then, shan’t you provide a further explanation to this madness around us?”

“I shall, this is a curse that I know, for I have witnessed it being cast long ago, though under a different caster, and thus a slightly different effect, this is the Silence of Fear curse, it will make most normal sounds-” she paused to slam her hoof on the floor and flap her wings hard several times, neither act producing any noise, “-cease to occur, speech is muffled, and color fades from all that is not sentient, another curse, the Silent Realm, has been placed on top of the original one, and now both curses have become unbalanced, but this is a good thing. The Silent Realm can be dismissed upon the activation of a relic, and while the Silent Guardians and the Fear Guardians both strive to slay the cursed, both can be dismissed with the relic… now we simply must find the relic.” Luna explained, thinking of the layout of the castle.

One flash of midnight-blue magic later, and the two stood under the castle, where Nikolai and The Dude were fighting a pair of floating bedframes with mutilated people strapped to them.

“Those are Fear Guardians, they can be slain, the Silent Guardians cannot.” Michael said as the information came in.

Luna launched a few sword-beams at the two things, causing them to twist up into springy, bloody balls of metal and flesh.

“Oh shit, oh look, another princess pony.” Nikolai said, turning to the other pair.

“Another dark pony, Nikolai, can’t be comfortable after that Sombra incident.” The Dude said, aiming his M@D Ingrams at Luna.

“I am the eternal alicorn known as Luna Nightstone, Princess of the Night. I can assure you with the wisdom of centuries that the dark is not inherently evil, Postal Dude. The dark is as easily used for good as the light is. It is sorcery that you must be wary of. Dark is as all elements are, either terrible or terrific, all depending on the hoof that guides them.” Luna explained, settling The Dude’s nerves a bit.

“Okay… so no Al Qaeda?” It was a very effective way to judge someone’s character in The Dude’s book.

“I was not aware that something called ‘Al Qaeda’ existed until just now.” Luna answered sincerely.

“Now that the introductions are out of the way, mayhaps we can proceed to activating the relic that shall dispel this curse, shall we use the Crystal Heart?”

“Nikolai sees it plain as day, or rather doesn’t, as it is not here.” The surprisingly-still-sober Russian pointed out, pointing to the empty space where the Crystal Heart should have been.

Michael turned towards the south road, “Alright, we’ll split up, Luna, look for the others from the sky, I will look for the Crystal Heart on the south road, Nikolai and Dude, look out for anyone else along the way on the northwest road.” He instructed.

Luna nodded and took off, only to be immediately intercepted by P1 flying in and hugging her.

The psychopathic god giggled in delight as he got another life-accomplishing hug in.

“Alright, Michael, I’ll help look for the others, I hope Blue and Fluttershy and the rest of the Mane 6 and all them are alright.” He said, flying off in another direction.

Luna flew off as well, Nikolai and The Dude left to the northwest, and Michael travelled to the south.

Saint Lackluster and Prince Terminator made their way along the northeast road, looking for the others.

“So where do you think they are?”

“I am not precisely sure, but someone is bound to be along this path.”

Soldier burst out from a nearby window, aiming at the two.

“Oh, nevermind, it’s you two, Steve?, come on out.”

Steve: ok, whos th

Steve: …….

Steve: o shit u gys r big

“We need to regroup, come swiftly.” Lack said as he seemed to skate along the ground on a trail of water.

Terminator ninja-ran, making sure the other two were following close behind.

The crackling of fire roared in the distance, and a huge red dragon landed on the road, letting out an unheard roar and spilling grayed-out fire onto the street.

Terminator didn’t skip a beat as he jumped 50 feet into the air, making a square-shaped motion with his arms and launching exactly 100 Icy Magic Missiles at the dragon.

Lackluster didn’t skip a beat either as he did a small hop, summoning a wave of water that extinguished the flames and carried him sword-first into the dragon’s mouth, puncturing its brain.

Steve: wow… jus wow

“That was amazingly impressive.” Soldier said with a hand on his chin.

Resuming the search, the four encountered no problems as they travelled through the silent streets.

Stryker checked another house, and yet again, it was empty.

“Dammit, what happened now? As if Sombra wasn’t bad enough, now we have a town that doesn’t even have mindless residents, it doesn’t have residents at all.”

Dovahkiin heard a groan from several feet away, and he saw a centaur.

Not wanting to fight this thing, he simply lit a match, threw it a few feet forward, and unleashed a Dragonshout.

*prrr-ROOMPH* The centaur collapsed into a burnt, dead heap.

Stryker whipped around at the noise, only to see a burst of flames destroy a centaur.

“Thanks man.” The brown-haired man thanked, moving onto the next house.

“EY BLUE COMRADES!” Nikolai called out to the law-enforcing-duo.

“Nikolai, hey, good to see someone at all, besides Dovahkiin here of course.” Stryker greeted, looking up and down the almost-empty street.

“Alright, come on, I want to find something to fuck up.” Postal Dude pushed, looking for something, anything, to shoot at.

Stryker led the way.

Kurtis_Stryker: /gamemode crystalpony

He turned into a crystal pony, his aquamarine hide reflecting the streetlamps’ light as he galloped ahead, scouting out the many alleyways.

The darkness-filled alleyways danced with potential danger.

Gulping down his fear, he kept on the path and stayed with his fellows.

Luna checked the castle, as it seemed like the place where most would go for safety.

Landing inside, she immediately found Albert running away from a Silent Guardian.

Parrying the huge mace with her large sword, she looked at Albert and nodded towards the stairs.

The ex-convict took the hint and fled down the stairs.

Luna looked at the unkillable Silent Guardian, and decided to simply create a phantom copy of herself to keep it busy.

Resuming the search, the lunar diarch began to charge up whatever battle spells she might need in this dire time.

P1 soared through the sky, reveling in the feeling of flying in open air.

‘It’s hard to believe that just three days ago, I was just a bidness dude workin’ towards a steady life, maybe marry Grace after a little while longer, do some lovin’, have a couple kids… damn it’s depressing to think of this shit right now… I need to stay focused! Until this dream ends, I have to stay alive, if I die in the dream, I die in real life.’

A single tear and a sniffle escaped from his usually calm and casual face, the tear dripping off his face and turning into a diamond in midair.

“I should give Michael a Hunter’s Potion to help him find some peeps…” He thought aloud as his hands glowed, summoning the potion in Michael’s hands.

Michael had been rushing through the street, when suddenly a small object fell on his head, he stopped and grabbed it out of the air.

A miniscule diamond, with the clarity of polished glass and the size of a teardrop, had fallen from the sky.

Suddenly, an bottle filled with an orange potion appeared in his hands, a Hunter’s Potion.

“This highlights living things, allies and enemies…” He drank it, looking around with enhanced vision.

About a block away, there were two reddish silhouettes on a rooftop. High above, there was a bluish silhouette shaped like Blue Comet passing by.

“I see… alright then.” He quickly and silently moved up to the two enemies.

Agent 4, AKA Rarity, and Mage #6, AKA Twilight, had spent the past ten minutes catching up on each other’s lives, sharing a few secrets here and there, the usual kind of thing.

The Crystal Heart had appeared a few feet away from them, however neither cared to question why it had done so.

*SHOOP* The blue glow of the crystal heart disappeared into Michael’s inventory, and he looked at the two agents.

“Well, this is unexpected.” He said in only a small amount of surprise.

“You! Prepare to die, wretched smartass.” Rarity said, pulling out her Five-seveN and shooting Michael in the head.

His form went ethereal for a few seconds, and he looked no worse for wear.

“Right then… MY TURN!” He called out, firing the Arrow Storm out of one hand, the Crystal Storm out of the other.

Twilight flared up her magic and blocked each and every projectile before it could hit either her or Agent 4.

The barrier was dismissed just in time for Michael to come in with a punch, which was caught by both of Mage #6’s hands.

He reared back his other fist.

“Oh come now, your honor code would prevent you from physically striking a woman, and you know it.” Twilight said in a mocking tone.

“Honor code? I’M A PLAYER NOW, I DO WHAT I WANT, BEEYOTCH!” Half a second later, Mage #6 felt a blinding pain in her lower face as Michael punched her hard enough to knock out half of her teeth, including the tooth that doubled as her Tracker-Jacker implant.

“Oh yes, and dear Rarity, your Tracker-Jacker implant was destroyed during Trevor’s torture session… I’m getting all the information I could ask for about the Organization, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me!” He informed in a loud ‘fuck you’ tone.

Agent 4 simply shot him in the head again, producing the same ethereal-for-a-few-seconds effect. While contemplating the strange effect, she realized the horrible implications

“Go ahead... kill me… I’ve stopped caring about my own life.” Michael said, knowing the truth about his death.

Mage #6 used her alicorn strength to wrestle herself away from Michael and shoot him with a powerful fireball, watching as it exploded around him.

Michael stood there, looking strangely tired, he reached into his inventory, activated the Crystal Heart, and then pulled out a plush of himself.

“A voodoo doll? Well, that will make this all the easier.” Twilight launched a Fiery Magic Missile at the doll.

“Wait, Twilight, STOP!” Rarity shouted, slashing the altered spell out of the air and grabbing the doll, “Be careful, Condition One told me that this little fucker has a contingency, and it involves this doll.”

“Little fucker? I’m literally twice your mass, I am 5’11” and 260 pounds, you’re 5’5” and 130 pounds, but might can be light, and I know how strong you are… so I made sure to get a Cobalt Shield.” He flashed the accessory for a brief second, “It’s a shame I couldn’t scrounge together enough obsidian to make that skull…” He said, sounding regretful for a second.

“Well then, that’s too bad… say hi to the devil for me, he owes me five bits.” Twilight said, taking several seconds to prepare a large, complex, and powerful spell.

“One trope in question is one called-” He quickly cast a much smaller and simpler spell on Twilight, causing her magic to go rampant, “Why don’t you just shoot her?”

The anthropomorphic alicorn grabbed the sides of her head in pain, her magical reserves being exhausted against her will.

Explosions of color left her body, her eyes lit up with heat-vision lasers, hitting Michael, then Agent 4, then the Guide Voodoo Doll.

Finally, a shockwave blasted through the roof, shattering a far-off section of it and knocking around the coins Michael had dropped upon death as the force was distributed throughout the structure.

Blue Comet dropped down from the air and smashed the stock of his SBC SR against Rarity’s head, then turned it on her and stood just outside of her reach.

“The reinforcements are here, you bleached bitch.” He said, keeping her back under the threat of a hole through her body as she stumbled and nearly fell over.

Twilight was groggy from the spell-casting spree she’d just done against her will, and looked at Blue, raising her hand for a spell.

Only a small spark left one of her fingers, a sign that all of her magical power had been used up, leaving her defenseless.

“WATCH OOOOOOUUUUUUT!” A new voice shouted, getting closer.

“That voice… what?” Twilight turned to where the voice was coming from when suddenly...

“Ohhhhh that can’t be good, first Michael gets slain, now whatever this is comes up.” Spyro said as he carried Lee through the sky, watching the space where the moon should have been.

All too suddenly, it was daytime, and everything was covered in a gritty grayscale filter, rather than a creepy black-and-white filter.

This made it all the worse, as now, they could see their enemy.

“HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!” Trevor yelled out as he pointed at the monster that came out of the ground.

“I’d rather have Kosher Mad Cow Zombie Gods than this.” The Dude said with a hint of annoyance.

“Whoa.” Stryker was struck speechless.

It started with a fountain of blood, that fountain grew more and more intense until it seems like a 500-foot tall crimson volcano eruption.

Dovahkiin then thought that this thing might not follow the rules as well as the Nazi Zombies he fought.

Then, the blood congealed, and magenta-pink flesh started forming around it, creating a large sheet-like shape, easily forty feet wide and ten feet thick, reaching up about 500 feet tall.

“Uhh... anyone got a plan?” Stryker muttered out.

“Nikolai has nothing but a need to change underwear now.”

“I… I can’t even comprehend how in the hell this thing exists.” Lee said, stunned in awe.

“So, we gonna try and kill it, or run? Not that I’m not sure that we can kill this thing, but... it’s not what I dealt with.” Spyro said, bewildered beyond comprehension.

“I’ve killed hundred of zombies, but that don’t even hold a candle to that oversized bacon strip.” Coach said, looking at how small his Combat Shotgun looked right now.

The Dude sighed, and decided to just do what he usually did.

He took out an orange-camouflage variant of his rocket launcher, and fired at the beast.

With a massive explosion, the mini-nuke exploded in the beast’s mouth, causing massive damage.

“Good job pal, you done pissed it off!” Trevor yelled at the Dude.

The Wall of Flesh looked at the tiny things on the ground, it was not interested in them, except for the one that attacked it.

It slid forward on a slick sheet of blood.

“I regret nothing.” The Dude said as Spyro grabbed him, and let the Dude ride him like a animal.

This fight was going to be interesting.

Suddenly… Specter Rider swooped down, picked Mage #6 up, and lifted her high into the air, looking her in the eyes.

“What was that?! How could you let that guy get you like that.” Specter asked Mage #6.

“Specter? Wait a second… R-ra-”

“Yeah, it’s me. Don’t worry about 4, she’s fine, I think, she managed to escape through the sewers.” Specter said, looking for the white mare.

She was still being held at gunpoint by Blue Comet.

“Oh... Well that’s not very good for either of them.” Specter grimaced behind her light purple and gold mask.

“Blue Comet? Why is he still…” Twilight was confused, he should have been back in Iota-1 by now.

“I don’t know, but we’ll get to them first.”

“Thanks Specter.”

“No problem, but you need control over that power you have, you have to take control of it, or it’ll take control of you.”

“That’s… surprisingly insightful.”

“Shut up, I’m not actually here to help you at all, but I still have hope that you’ll come back to the side of good.”

“Wait what? But… how’d you resist the mind-alte-”

“Element of Loyalty, DUH!”

Rainbow Dash proceeded to gut punch Mage #6 hard and drop her on a rooftop nearby, then flew over to the duo of Blue and 4 on another rooftop.

“Ah, Specter, if you would be so kind as to help out here.” Agent 4 asked, unaware of the fact that her fellow agent was no longer a fellow.

“Alright.” Rainbow pulled out her WDG8 'Storm Blaster', aiming it at her corrupted friend.

At that moment, Spyro and the Dude came flying by the group.

“RUN, there’s a monster after us!”

“And I still regret nothing.” The Dude fired another rocket into the beast’s mouth.

“Specter, you’re here to help me?” Blue asked, taking a second to look back to see the Wall of Flesh sliding towards him, “Huh.” he turned back.

“Uh...” Agent 4 sighed.

“WAIT WHAT THE FUCK?” Blue did a double take and stared at the Wall, “OH SHIT! RUN!”

The trio of agents promptly ran, managing to catch up to the dragon-human duo.

“Buttsauce!” The Dude cheered out as the nuke hit the monster’s mouth again.

“Yeah, what he said, but in a more dreading way!” Spyro shouted in an 'oh shit' voice.

“POSTAL DUDE! STOP FUCKING ATTACKING IT! IT WANTS THE AGENTS!” P1 said as he quickly caught up to man.

“Oh... How the hell was I suppose to know that?”

“It didn’t start attacking you until you attacked it?”

“... Hmm, maybe I should rethink my policies about giant monsters attacking the city. That thing’s like Mothra, right?”

“Look, look there, it has Agent 4 and some other girl… damn both of them are pretty hot… NO TIME RIGHT NOW! Those two probably killed Michael and summoned this thing!”

“Wait, so Michael’s dead?” The Dude asked.

“Do you not know what ‘slain’ means?”

“Yes, but I thought that was just the real authors trolling us.” The Dude replied in a ‘fuck you’ tone.

“Technically, I am the real author, well one of them, don’t question it, that’ll come in the epilogue.”

“Guys, monster!” Spyro yelled out.

“I got it, I got it, I know this shit because muddafuggin ALPHA, so that thing is actually Michael inside, and it wants to kill the one who killed him, so that would be those two.” P1 pointed to the two agents getting flung around like ragdolls.

“Oh...”

“We can’t let that happen!” Spyro cried out at the injustice.

“I can.” The Dude replied.

“Actually, it would be beneficial to us if we let it happen, because those two are our enemies, and THEY KILLED MICHAEL!”

At that point, another magical blast hit the tentacles that carried the two agents.

“Let them go!” Twilight yelled out, friends following close behind.

“MOTHERFUCKER!!! Stop saving those bitches!” P1 yelled out in annoyance.

“Bad or not, they can still be redeemed!”

“Twilight… I think that’s you.” P1 said in a strange tone, looking up at Mage #6.

“I don’t want to know what you’re talking about, until after this thing’s stopped.” Twilight ignored P1’s statement.

“No… that looks exactly how I imagine you as a human… but it’s an anthro… shit mayn.”

“You’re being your usual ridicul-OAAAAAHHH!!!”

The monster grabbed Twilight and glared at her.

“MEEP!” She yelped when put at eye-level with it.

“HOLD ON, BEST UNICORN, I SHALL SAVE THEE!” P1 said in the way that most usually do right before they epically fail.

The rest of the group came just as P1 did his epic fail, being slapped to the side like a piece of trash.

However, in a burst of gold and brown magic, he embodied one of his OCs.

In the form of his first humanized pegasus, Lyan, he flapped his wings once, sending him hurtling towards the Wall of Flesh at half the speed of light.

“Okay, so anyone got a plan?” Coach asked, looking around at the others.

“You know what? FUCK THIS THING!!!” Trevor took out a minigun.

Then he got angry, really angry.

Bringing out the fire within, he spun up the massive weapon, and fired!

“COCKSUCKER!!!” Trevor yelled out at the top of his lungs, the bullets hitting the broad side of the barn easily, creating massive spurts of blood that sprayed everywhere..

“That… I don’t even anymore.” Stryker just threw his hands into the air and pulled out his Auto-9.

He emptied the magazine into the massive thing, each bullet hitting, as it was harder to not hit it.

Coach brought out a box of explosive bullets, and set it to the ground.

“Layin’ down some frag rounds.” He announced, loading up his Combat Shotgun with some.

Trevor sidestepped, and his already-enhanced bullets began detonating on contact.

Stryker did the same, as did Dovahkiin with the Blacker Glacker 1143, and The Dude with his Mini-Nuke Launcher, making the mini-nukes into not-so-mini-nukes.

Spyro flew around the beast and breathed extremely hot bursts of fire at the beast, and Lee went berserk as he pounced, clawed, jumped away from tentacles, and repeat.

Steve? shot it with his bow, dealing significant damage with the maxed enchantments of Power V, Flame I, Punch II, and Infinity.

Soldier use his Direct Hit, and managed to fire a Critical Hit against the beast. He saw the Green Letters float about the beast’s head, and smiled.

“Booyah!”

“Nice one Soldier!” Blue congratulated the BLU man and fired his energy rifle at Wall of Flesh several times, showing that it was actually semi-automatic.

Nikolai and Albert began to fire at the abomination repeatedly, Albert with his Ray Gun and Nikolai with his Microwave Gun.

P1, in the form of his second oldest character, Lyan, flew around the Wall at half the speed of light, punching himself through it several times in order to lose momentum.

When he was slow enough, he snapped the tentacle holding Twilight and delivered her to safety.

“Alright, Twi, watch this, you’re about to learn the power of a strategically placed Natural 20.” P1 said as he took off in his normal form.

The ground shook slightly.

“Err, that’s not the roll though.” P1 rolled his D20 on top of the Wall of Flesh.

Natural 20.

“ISAAC CLAAAAAAARK!!!” He shouted, remembering a dream he’d once had.

He slammed his fist down onto the Wall.

This attack, combined with everything else finally killed it.

Huge arcs of electricity danced over its surface, making cracks in it.

And then the flesh blew up, sending gore flying for miles.

Michael looked at the fluffy white cloud he was standing on.

He’d managed to get an audience with Gearbox during his relatively brief time in The Great Above.

“So Steve, not Steve? like Mojang made, but Steve the Lion-heart, is in Iota-1, along with the others, including David and -albeit temporarily- The Dude, though the returned?”

“Yes Michael, and there’s also some info based on these Agents you’re facing, they’re mostly corrupted.”

“Yes, after destroying their Tracker-Jacker implants, I was able to learn about them, Damon’s little ‘downsizing’ movement created a group of six, six different iterations of the Bearers of Harmony, all anthropomorphic.”

“And for the most part, they gave in to power, all except...”

“Rainbow Dash, codenamed Specter Rider, and Fluttershy, codenamed The Druid Mistress."

“Pegasi are very strong, in spite of their avian skeletons and more animalistic ways.”

“Their history in society is based a lot more on an insect-like coordination instinct and territorial predator-like violence in the early years, that is why they have such an extensive military nowadays.”

“And with military backgrounds come tenacity. These two are your way into Damon’s base, and defeating him for good.”

“As I could figure, but even with my intelligence, I still have to figure out how they could help further… it was by the indirect influence of the Elements of Harmony that they retained their sense of good, Fluttershy couldn’t bear to be cruel, and Rainbow Dash couldn’t abandon being a heroine.”

“Yes, Applejack and Pinkie Pie were strong-willed too, but gave in when they were threatened with their families being killed off.

“And then there are ponies like Rarity and Twilight... the former gave in first, she had self-esteem issues, but seems to deeply regret it.”

“And Twilight lost hope when she saw that ‘all’ of her closest friends had been corrupted, but she quickly forgot her hopelessness…”

“...And gotten drunk with power.” Michael grimaced.

“And without those elements, the respective Equestrias they came from, they all went...”

“From a nation of power, to a fallen world, with the Princesses becoming the highest grade of fighters, Damon’s personal guard... this is one of the toughest tasks any of us will have to perform.”

“It is strange, really, when Harmony lost its focus, only with Twilight and Rarity’s worlds did the princesses even survive… it is a sad thought, that Neverending Nightmare and Forever Flames had been… once such good beings.”

“Quite... so we have a mission now, stop Damon, save the multiverse.” Michael planned.

“And then what?”

“Maybe fix as much damage he made to the worlds we can reach as possible.”

“Like the broken Elements? Side mission: Bring sensibility to the Elements of Harmony, and the princesses. Fix the six worlds they come from. Sound reasonable? Because I think it’s a huge task.”

“But being a Player, I am supposed to do huge tasks that no normal person would be able to accomplish.

“So is Trevor, as he’s a player character too, of Rockstar, am I not right?”

“You are right... but he’s...”

“Meant to be as such. You must remember, these Alphas have created many things in their time, AD17 had created Damon himself, as well as a member of his group, and David.”

“And P1 made Blue Comet, and many other characters as well, each made with the care of a father.” Michael mused.

“Exactly, you must know that, inspired by the Elder Gods, the Alphas have even made the universe where all the Players in your group are from… while it may be hard to-”

“Excuse me for interrupting, but being a Player is the greatest liberty I have ever felt, I do not care if I was made by inspiration through a ‘real world creator’, I am real where it counts.”

“As it should be. Ta-ta Michael, it is time for you to go, but I must warn you, the beast may have been slain, but another has come.”

“What do you mean?”

“You may not want to cast Radiant Magic Missile with your left hand anymore.”

Michael looked at his left hand, barely having a second to examine it, when he suddenly fell through the clouds and back into the universe below.

Luckily, he had a Lucky Horseshoe, so he didn’t die again upon hitting the ground.

“Michael! You’re alive! Good, some fucking robot came and grabbed those bitches!” Trevor greeted, pointing down the road.

Michael shook his head as he saw Trevor look towards a giant mech-suit, which holding Mage #6 in one hand and Agent 4 in the other.

“That’s a Titan, an Atlas model!” Michael got up and began to run towards the machine.

It turned to him, then turned away, charging down the street, away from the group.

“Who’re you!” Agent 4 yelled at the machine.

“It’s me, now let’s get the hell out of here before we DIE!” David yelled out, letting the mares ride on the machine's back as he took out a giant grenade launcher type weapon, and fired three grenades at the same time at the group chasing them.

One blew Coach, Lee, Stryker, and Dovahkiin off to the side, nearly killing the latter.

The next blew Trevor, The Dude, Albert, and Nikolai away, ripping off one of Albert's fingers.

The third launched Michael, Steve?, Spyro, and Blue up into the air, the latter two taking flight, Steve? falling to his death, and Michael landing safely thanks to his Lucky Horseshoe.

“Where’d you get this, CO?” Mage #6 asked in a raised voice.

“I found a remote off of David’s body, decided to find out what it was, AD17 is a dick, and the other three saved me, now let’s go!” David lied, he'd only been saved by two agents, but he'd been told about a third.

“Other three? OH RIGHT, Crushed Sauce, Crimson Gravel, and The Druid Mistress.” Rarity said.

“I still think the former name’s retarded.” David said snarkily.

“You always said that.” Twilight yelled out.

“It’s true.”

“Like Thunder Thighs is a better name?” Rarity snarked out, remembering the name that CO had given her in the past.

“Hey, she has legs to kick out bones, why not?”

“Whatever, just get us back to the mothership!”

“You got a teleporter, mine’s shot out from earlier.”

“ACTUALLY NOT!” P1 said as he flew backwards in front of the mech.

David aimed at the Alpha.

“I just dropped a metal ball on it, interrupting the code, you can teleport at any time you want, David.”

“You shot at it with a bullet! And how’d you know my name?”

“No, you just thought I did… and don’t worry about it.” P1 smiled, one of his catchphrases coming into play.

He used the Atlas’ metal fist to punch the maniac away, then proceeded to enter the code while running away.

‘Remember, it’s 1, 2, 3, 4, 6.’

‘Thanks… that’s not really a good code.’

‘Shut the fuck up.’

‘Sometimes, the simple things are the best David.’

‘For once, I agree with Waxmell.’

‘Yeah.”

‘Maxwell, actually.’

‘I know, I just said it like that to piss you off, did it work?’

‘I hate you more than that stupid mime.’

‘You got a thing against France?’

‘I wasn’t even being racist, I was talking about Wes…’

‘It’s only racist if you’re talking about people with different skin color than you, that’s prejudiced.’

‘I think I pissed him off.’

‘When I get out of this body, I’m going to split you two up so I CAN CHOKE CONDITION ONE TO DEATH!’

‘Oh, hey, we’re teleporting now, we’ll carry this conversation out again, never.’

P1 watched as the mech disappeared, much to his chagrin.

“Hey~, I wanted to make some more fun before he left.”

“Where’d it go, where is it?” Trevor growled out as he came to the area with the others.”

“It’s… not… RRRRRRIGHT UP YOUR ASS, rather… it’s in The Void, if they went to the Organization Mothership.” P1 said, laughing at first, but then seriousing the fuck up.

“So we fuckin’ missed it? FUCK!!!” Trevor kicked Spyro in the side in frustration, much to the latter’s chargrin.

“Not really, I learned where the ship is from Agent 4 and Mage #6’s Tracker-Jacker implants being removed, we have a target.”

“Really, show them to me.” Twilight asked, trotting up to the group.

“They are… well shit… they’re about 3 clicks from the universe of Earth Alpha, apparently they’re getting information on what best universes to get new, already-deadly recruits from.”

“Three Kilometers away from the edge of the universe, which expands.” Stryker threw his arms up in frustration.

“Stryker, universes don’t expand, they just seem like they are.”

“In your world, yes, in my world, it does.”

“Stryker, I know more about the multiverse than you could study about in the whole of your lifetime, I know that universes don’t expand, the insides just shift around.” Michael stated matter-of-factly.

“Like a pudding.” P1 offered.

“Does it become donut?” Nikolai asked.

“No, it stays the shape of a sort of… slightly flattened sphere.” Michael clarified.

“Donuts can be shaped like that.” The Dude replied.

“Well maybe if it doesn’t have a hole, if it did, it would be more of a torus shape…” Michael stopped for a few seconds.

P1 snapped his fingers.

“We’re getting off track!” Michael yelled out in frustration, just realizing what they actually need to do.

P1 reached over, grabbing a whole train that had suddenly appeared, flipping it over his side and placing it onto a floating train track.

“HNNNNGHA-BEHH! Okay, the train is back on track, and so are we.”

“Alright, aside from that dramatization, we now just have to figure out how to get to the ship.”

“Well, it’s a good thing that I stole dis here thing from that bitch.” Trevor said as he took out the teleporter he had taken from Agent 4 three days prior.

“That’s the teleporter that Agent 4 had, we can use that...”

“I know, because I took it from her.”

“Umm, when?” Twilight asked.

“Before the torture session.”

“Torture!”

“You what!” Stryker turned towards the methhead.

“Hey, the FIB did it, why can’t I help?” Trevor said with a smug smile, knowing that he could twist the law towards his favor on this matter.

“I helped.” The Dude replied.

“Then you’re no better than him!”

“You... you are two of the worst beings that ever lived! To talk so openly about such an evil, unethical, and immoral act as though it were a badge of virtue is downright psychotic!” Twilight screamed out, infuriated by this blatant defiance of... just about every moral code she held dear.

“Whatever.” The Dude said.

“Fuck off.” Trevor replied.

"We can go into detail later. That gasoline and rag combo was a good twist to a usual...” Trevor trailed off as Twilight lit her horn up with a very evil-looking magical spell that would put quite a wound on his wallet in hospital fees.

“No talking about torture!” Michael chastised the duo. “Right now, we have to figure out the codes needed for the device.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Lee said.

“Split up?” Albert suggested.

“Yes. It’ll be a while before we even find out what the code is. In the meantime, we’ll need the Princesses to come.”

“What, that dream bitch and the sunbutted one?” Trevor asked angrily.

“Luna, Celestia?” Lee clarified.

“How’d...” Michael trailed off, deciding that it probably wasn’t worth it.

“It was a portal thing.” Lee explained to the rest of the group..

“Fucker called me... don’t even want to say, and don’t say it Lee.”

“Yeah, that guy’s skull didn’t stand a chance. No way I’m saying that.”

“But it just CAME BACK! That fucker heal-kinda-rebuilt his fucking SKULL!” Trevor shouted, angry that his kill didn’t stay killed.

“Wait, describe the man for me.” P1 knew of two superheroes that had that kind of healing factor.

“Well, he had a stupid red an-”

“DEADPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLL!” P1 sang at the top of his lungs.

“Wade ‘Deadpool’ Wilson, yes, he’s in Iota-1, and we’re in Iota-2.” Michael extrapolated.

“AW YEEEEEAAAAAH! But dammit though, I want to share a beer with that guy, maybe a bullet to the head too.”

“Wait, there’s another Equestria?” Twilight asked.

“Yes, although currently, it’s set a few months before this event.”

“If I’m not mistaken, which I half-n-half am and am not, then… OOH BOIII! WEDDING BELLS BE A RINGIN’ THEN!”

“Shining’s and Cadence’s Wedding!”

“Yes, and the subsequent reveal of the Changelings.”

“Yep! and all the glorious, glorious changeling bloodshed that will follow, due to Master Chief and Deadpool being heavyweight badasses, Harreh bein’ a WIZ-AH-RD, Wilson being cray-cray, and don’t forget the rockets and shit, and shit like that… damn I’d pay to see that massacre.”

“The changelings are-”

“Unorganized heathens, well… maybe organized, the point is, they’re insects in more than the literal sense, and they're the size of ponies.” Rarity shuddered at the thought of them.

“That really creepy, Nikolai no like bugs.”

“Rarity did sucker punch ‘em good though.“ Applejack said.

“Hey~, you're all here… C’MERE FOR HUGS!” P1 said as he hugged each of the rest of the Mane 6 in succession.

“Oh, no hugs, please.” The Dude’s request was ignored at the rest of the group gathered for a group hug, with The Dude at the center.

Pinkie Pie didn’t let go of P1, and giggled as she hung from his shoulders.

“You’re really fun, mister.”

“I know I am… anyways… what brings you all here?”

Twilight looked sheepish, “Well… I mean, it was a really terrible and unfriendly mistake… but...” She trailed off, rubbing the back of her head with a hoof.

“We accidentally left ‘Shy here when we left after the whole Sombra thang was done with.” AJ explained.

“Oh… that would explain why I only saw her… I’ll go get her... I’ll be back in ten minutes.” P1 assured, flying off to the castle.

There was an awkward silence.

“We should just go to where these ponies live, we have reason to stay, right?” Albert suggested.

“Well… I mean, we know that there’s an Organization base here… and…” Michael trailed off right as he was pointing in the direction of the base.

“Wait, really?” Spyro looked towards the location.

Michael didn’t respond, he stared at his hand.

“Da, but it underground though.” Nikolai informed.

“Michael, pal, what’s wrong?” Stryker asked, getting closer.

Steve: yeah, u look sik

Michael showed his hand to the others.

The skin was a sickly green, the fingernails shone like gold, he pulled back his sleeve, revealing that it trailed all the way up his forearm, ending with a gradient back to his normal skin-tone.

“Oh shit!” Lee dreaded this.

“You are...” Coach trailed off.

“This…” Michael trailed off again.

“Infected!” Lee ran towards Michael.

“I… I don’t even… it wasn’t like this before the… before I died.”

“What does it even mean then?”

“I don’t know… it feels… strong and under control... but at the same time, unnatural… I think… I know what this does.” His voice lowered for that last part, and he turned around, walking towards the Organization base.

“Should we just leave him alone for a while?” Albert asked.

“I don’t know...” Lee said.

“We could cuff him to something bolted to the ground, and wait.” Coach suggested.

“Coach, that would never work.” Lee chastised.

“It may.”

Lee sighed.

He had a choice, this would affect the entire party.

“Well Lee, you have the most personal experience with the undead, so we're asking you: what do?” P1 put the responsibility for the actions solely on Lee’s shoulders.

Take Coach’s suggestion.

Keep an eye on Michael.

-> Amputate the arm. <-

Look in the base, maybe there’s a cure.

(Say Nothing.)

“Maybe we could… I mean… it could have… no… no that won’t work.” Lee knew that if it couldn’t have saved him, it wouldn’t have saved Michael.

Try again.

-> Take Coach’s suggestion. <-

Keep an eye on Michael.

Look at the base, maybe there’s a cure.

(Say Nothing.)

“Maybe we could just… cuff him, like Coach said, he doesn’t look all that strong anyways, and-”

“I saw him break out half of Mage #6’s teeth… but that was a punch… maybe if we get a strong chain…” Blue thought hard.

“He is right. But I need you think, is this the way you want to go?”

-> Yes. <-

No. (This will put you at the previous selection scene)

(Say nothing)

“Yes, I’m sure.” Lee said.

“Alright then, you’re the expert Lee, we’ll do it.” P1 summoned a length of thick, heavy chain.

“I’m an expert in knots and tying stuff, let me handle that.” Trevor said, remembering the times he did the cliche ‘tie the guy to a sawmill log and send him down to his death’ thing, except he made it work.

It was more fun when the groin was first for him.

“Alright then, here ya go.” P1 tossed the chain, which now had shackles on either end, to the balding man.

Trevor took it and began his trek to the base.

“Weren’t you getting Fluttershy?” Twilight asked the godly man.

“And why are y’all in a bathrobe?” Applejack asked.

“Don’t worry about it… AWAAAAAAY!” He disappeared in a flash of sand-colored magic.

“I do not wish to know what he is doing with our friend.” Rarity said.

“Yeah, me too.” Pinkie began to think of some of the implications that might be.

“When he gets back with her, she better not be hurt.” Rainbow Dash cracked her neck in readiness.

Blue Comet facepalmed, knowing what his creator was like.

Fluttershy would never be hurt on his watch.

Michael looked at all of the tables in the Experiments Lab in Base 99.

That ball of dark matter that he’d found, it was still in his inventory.

He pulled it out, staring at it.

It was so solidly black and without color or shadow that it looked like it had been put in his hand by MS Paint.

“It is also a material… I think there is some connection here.”

Michael looked towards the elevator, and walked towards it.

The groans became louder, and more agonized.

“What’re you doing?”

“Ah, The Postal Dude, do you wish to join me?”

“Nah, but I felt that doing this would be a huge FU to the author here, so I’m going down here.” The Dude motioned towards the elevator.

“Hmm, sounds like we’re doing the same thing.” Michael replied.

The two entered the elevator and descended, the door opening up to reveal a room packed tight with zombies of all types.

“Alright then…” Michael raised his green hand, the golden fingernails shone with power.

The zombies all stopped their mindless shuffling and looked at the one who called upon them.

All of the zombies attempted salutes of respect, some losing their hands, some not even having arms.

A cacophony of “SIEG HEIL!” from the Nazi Zombies rang throughout the room.

A Minecraft Zombie walked through the crowd, holding a sword out to its master.

Deadly Necro-King’s Rapier
33% of total health
5% critical strike chance
Insanely Fast speed
No Knockback
Material
+10% damage
+10% speed

“Holy shit, Nazi Zombies from Space.” The Dude recognized.

“I may have knowledge of your world, but I do not recall you ever having dealt with creatures like that.”

“Yeah, but I have a mysterious past thanks to this guy, AD.”

“AD... The other Alpha?”

“Yes.” The Dude replied, looking at the Nazi Zombies.

Michael thought for a few moments on the fact that there were two Alpha humans on their side.

“So, you can control any zombie?” Dude asked, noticing how absolutely all of the zombies had assumed an attentive and respecting stance.

“I think so... I don’t know that much besides the stats of the weapon.

“But it’s cool, huh?”

“Yes, indeed. Let’s explore this place…” Michael made the elevator descend to B2.

“There might be something here of value.”

“Like this battery thing?” The Dude said, holding a massive circular battery object in his arms.

“Hmm, that belongs to a weapon.”

“Bitchin’, how does it work?” The Dude pocketed the battery.

“The weapon in question should be somewhere here, it is from a universe known as Star Wars, but it is compatible with many, many other types of weapons.”

“Alright, hey, it’s that Han Solo gun.” The Dude said as he picked up the Blaster.

“Hmm, well, it is indeed a DL-44 Heavy Blaster Pistol, but how it got here-”

“Sugar-showered asskicking, that’s how, and the sugar just makes it more sweet.”

“Perhaps, or a more logical explanation, like a simple raid on one of the Star Wars universes.”

“Logic isn’t fun.”

“Is that all you care about? Having fun?”

“Well, hear this, I can throw a machete like a boomerang, and catch it by the handle. That is fucking awesome, and that’s what I’m saying, period.”

“That doesn’t… explain… my brain is on meltdown right now… I feel as though I’m entering the Theta state.”

“I have no idea what that is, but let’s just go anyway. I just hope Vince didn’t find his way here, I owe him some money.”

“The Theta state is where the mind becomes highly reactive to information input, and side-effects include: heightened receptivity, flashes of dreamlike imagery, inspiration, and your long-forgotten memories resurfacing. Enough of my mind, this sword is not of the usual shape of a rapier, but upon close examination, thrusting is all it can be effectively used for.”

“It looks cool, though, and that’s really all that matters.” The Dude said, wanting one of his own badass Dead King Sword thingies.

“Function is far more important than form. Take, for example, this axe here.”

“It may look, as you would say, ‘badass’, but the edge is practically non-existent.”

“Hmm... makes sense, I mean, the blade looks like it’s r jagged and blunt, like my hateful wife.”

“Or that axe there, that is an example of a good weapon that has only some minor aesthetic flaws.” Michael pointed to an axe hanging low on a nearby free-standing wall.

He picked it up.

Wonderful Nightmare Execution Axe
4 melee damage
40% critical strike chance
Slow Speed
Strong Knockback
Material
“Decapitates foes on critical strikes.”

“Nothing says ‘I love to kill you’ like having a heart-shaped axe.” The Dude said in a flat tone.

Michael put it in his inventory, then moved on.

“Sometimes though, the perfect weapon comes along, and you have something that both looks, and is, badass. Let’s see if we can find one.” Michael began pilfering through the shelves, walls, and tables of the room.

The Dude was drawn to a weapon that looked like it would make many things go boom.

The BFG-9000.

“I HAVE THE ORIGINAL BIG FUCKING GUN!” He yelled, lifting it over his head like a trophy.

“Hmm... wow, the BFG-9000. Oh, it seems like the person who last used it is dead.” Michael said as he looked at the skeleton that The Dude was standing on top of.

“I know I don’t like video games, but there’re always some exception.” The Dude said as he hefted the gun.

Michael used his five-finger discount took another weapon that was laying on a nearby table.

“Hmm...” Michael mused as the information came through.

“Hey, check this out.” The Dude said, holding a new weapon in his hands.

“Oh, it’s a Ray Gun MK. II.”

“How is this different than the one Nikolai has?” The Dude aimed it, finding it to be a bit difficult thanks to the unusual sights.

“I do not know, but what I have here it the fabled hammer, Mjolnir.”

“Moaner, Fhat the wuck?”

“Thor’s hammer.”

“Oh, yeah... I thought it was Thor’s hammer because… well, Thor has dibs on using it, forever.”

“Well, if you are pure of soul, strong of heart, courageous of action, and wise of mind, you can carry it. If you were to try and hold it, you’d pull your back before you’d budge it, and the same for most others as well.”

“So then you can hold it?”

“As can a few others, such as Captain America, or even our Iota-1 ally Link.”

“Hmm... I suppose we can only pass it around to you and this Link fellow then.”

“Yes, but the good news is that you have a blaster, and a Ray Gun, and I have a hammer.”

“So we can go all Sword and Soldier on agents’ candy asses?”

“Almost, we have to find the Iota-1 counterparts, make a plan, and hear back from our inside double agent.”

“Wait, we have someone on the inside?”

“Yes, I didn’t tell most of the others because I want to give a sense of secrecy and make the plan more believable.“

“Well, who’s the double?”

“You mustn’t speak a word of this to anyone… and…” Michael whipped out his Necrotic Magic Missile and shot out all of the still-functioning technology in the room.

“Yeah yeah, scout’s honor.” The Dude held his hand up.

“It’s David, AKA Condition One.”

“Oh, how’d you convince him to work for us?”

“No, our David, he and Condition One were alternate-dimension copies, and David used a spell from the Lusar Codex to assimilate Condition One under his control, as well as make himself physically super-charged.”

“Oh, that explains why Trevor said he’s dead. You know, if things go south for all of us, I think I’ll do my two last dick moves of telling them about David, then blowing my brains out.”

“That would be very unwise Mr. The Dude.”

“I would regret nothing. I’ve made it clear about my hate for a lot of things here.”

“Yes, yes you have… so let me just check this tooltip.” Michael pulled out the Mjolnir again.

Legendary Mjolnir
460 melee damage
105% critical strike chance
Very Slow Speed
Insane Knockback
Material
+15% damage
+10% speed
+5% critical strike chance
+10% size
+15% knockback
Destroyed the Bifrost Bridge, killed Raiden, can shatter continents, and makes a damn good paperweight.

“So, when do we have to stop our little shopping spree? Because I’d like to try out some of these new toys.” The Dude asked, picking up something called ‘Acid Rounds’.

“I think we can pick up one more thing each, then leave.”

Postal Dude looked at all of the various cool things strewn about the room, and found a pair of sunglasses.

“Michael, check these out.” He put them on.

*YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!*

Michael waited until the ringing in his ears stopped, “That is a pair of heavily enchanted glasses, not only can you cast that Epic Cantrip of Sound an infinite number of times with only a verbal command, but you can use a Time Slow spell, however you have to do a backflip to activate it, and it only lasts for fifteen seconds.”

“Seems impractical.”

“It says a lot that I am surprised that you know what ‘impractical’ means.”

“I’m not a complete idiot, Michael, why are you being a giant dickface?”

“I’m sorry… but my doubts have been on the rise… while we may be outnumbered, we are not outgunned, but we are evenly classed… so the match will be hard to decide.”

“We just need to keep cool and we’ll get through this.” The Dude said, smiling slightly.

“Thank you for your hopefulness.”

“Eh, who knows, maybe my willpower is getting tired and I’m starting to accept that I have to help you guys… or maybe I’ve reached a new low in fuck-giving, so that I don’t even give a fuck about hating you guys… I don’t even know.”

“I think this place is driving us mad, but I have found what I need.” Michael pulled a broken sword filled with magic from a pile, “It may not look like much alone, but when combined with other weapons, it will become extremely powerful.” He said, putting away the broken sword.

The two left the base, and went a couple of blocks into the city, when suddenly...

“SURPRISE, YA SICK FUCK!” Trevor popped up out of nowhere and shackled Michael to a building’s side.

“TREVOR! WHAT THE FUCK?!” Michael uncharacteristically shouted in surprise and anger.

“We’re going to keep you here until we’re sure that this infection isn-WHOA!” Trevor backed away as Michael lashed at him like a wild animal.

“THE INFECTION HAS NOT MADE ME A ZOMBIE, IT HAS MADE ME A ZOMBIE CONTROLLER, I CAN COMMAND THEM!” Michael loudly explained, still struggling against his shackle.

“Oh, WELL YA COULDA EXPLAINED THAT EARLIER!” Trevor rebuked.

Michael pulled out his pickaxe, used it to break the shackle, and then, without anything to keep him from tipping over, he immediately fell on his face.

“GAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! Okay… *huff* I’m better… dear Redigit that was a stupid incident we just had there.”

“Yeah, alright, that was my fault… c’mon, we’re still leaving the Crystal Kingdom to go to not-crystal-pony pony land.”

“Equestria.” Michael informed.

“Yeah, that’s what I said.” Trevor said with a shit-eating grin.

Michael just laughed and shook his head, following Trevor back to the group.

P1 looked at everyone on the train, first at Fluttershy sleeping in his lap, then at The Dude, who was sitting next to Lee and repeatedly unloading and reloading his Colt M@D.

“Well, it seems like everything’s going to be a lot more interesting from now on.” The blond god said, chuckling at his obvious understatement.

Michael laughed with him, “And there’s going to be a lot of surprises… like- ohhh SHIT SHIT SHI- STOP THE TRAIN! STOP THE TRAAAAAIIINNN!!!” He shouted, detecting a presence coming directly towards them.

From the velocities, both speed and direction, it was too late to avoid a head-on collision

Lee shot up and leapt towards the door to go to the engine.

Twilight was curious and scared, “Why? What is so bad that we need t-?”

Suddenly, the train collided with another train, and all went dark.

Author's Notes:

Me and AD really, REALLY, REALLY need to downsize these chapters, holy shit, I mean, Lag City up in here.

And so again, many disasters strike our hapless heroes, first they find out they have to do hard work, then they're caught by a deadly spell in the dark, and finally the train they're in crashes.

But who did they crash into?

Well... take a wild guess, fans, take a wild guess

As always though, check out Hexed Lives, the other half of this collab, posted on AD17's profile, show both stories some love

P1: And as always; Remember fans: do drugs, stay out of school, don't eat vegetables, and don't take my advice

P2: But do take my advice, and keep on rockin'