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More Dreams

by totallynotabrony

Chapter 1: Luna's Lesson

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“Hey, wake up.” It sounded like Spike's voice.

“Go away. Not morning.”

“Actually, the sunrise was three hours ago. You got a letter, Valiant.”

“Hmm? Really?” I sat up. The springs in the old couch groaned. Staying at the Ponyville library had started out as a temporary arrangement, but eventually the librarian had stopped asking when I was going to leave.

Spike the dragon stood in front of me. He was short and purple. Of course, I’m not one to judge. I’m rather average and orange myself.

“So who’s it from?” I asked. “I didn’t even know I had a mailing address.”

Spike showed me the letter. “It came from Princess Celestia.”

“Oh. Cough-mail?”

Spike nodded. “It arrived just before I woke you.” He unrolled the scroll, clearing his throat.

Dear Valiant,

My sister Luna has been slowly catching up with society after her thousand-year absence. It is unfortunate that certain events on Nightmare Night left her unable to make a good impression. I’m sure you know what I’m referring to.

If anyone can help Luna, it’s you. Teach her to be a contemporary, sociable pony. While she is in Ponyville, I expect you to send me daily reports on her progress.

She arrives today.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

“Is she serious?” I said.

“Probably,” said Spike. “You did kind of screw things up.”

“Not that badly. I only threatened her with violence because she didn't believe in the human moon landings.”

“I just don’t want to be around when Twilight finds out,” said Spike.

“Finds out what?” said a voice. A lavender colored unicorn descended the stairs from the upper floor of the library.

Twilight Sparkle was the local librarian, Princess Celestia’s personal student, and also kind of neurotic.

“The Princess wants Valiant to coach her sister on making friends ,” Spike blurted out.

“What!?” said Twilight. “Let me see that letter.” Her horn glowed and she took the parchment from Spike.

“Um, if you read it carefully, it almost sounds like a punishment,” I pointed out.

“This isn’t fair! I’m the expert on friendship!” shouted Twilight.

“Hey, I never said you weren’t.” I backed up slowly. She may have been a bookworm, but an angry Twilight caused bad things to happen.

Like a moron, I didn’t keep my mouth shut. “I mean, you’re as much of an expert as you can be with only five friends.”

“What about me?” said Spike.

“Well, you’re really more of an indentured servant, so you don’t count.”

"What about you?" he asked.

"'Rent-free roommate' is not necessarily the same thing as 'friend'."

“The letter doesn’t even say what time Princess Luna is getting here,” ranted Twilight. “We don’t have any time to prepare!”

I saw Spike’s eyes flick to the window. I followed his gaze. There were a dozen Royal Guards outside. The crowd of them parted to reveal a dark blue pony who had both wings and a horn.

“Uh, Twilight?”

“Not now, I have to get everything ready!” She began dusting and putting away books.

I looked at Spike. He shrugged and walked over to open the door.

“Oh, this is bad. So much to do!” muttered Twilight.

“It’s too late,” I said. “She’s here.”

“Eep!” squeaked Twilight as the door opened.

Spike escorted Princess Luna into the library. Her mane was limp and straight, covering one eye. She was not smiling, and there was a general air of depression around her. I’d never seen a pony look so emo before, and I just barely stopped myself from giggling about it.

“It’s good to see you again, Princess,” said Twilight. She hadn’t managed to do much to clean the library.

“Hello Twilight Sparkle,” said Luna. “Hello Plymouth Valiant.”

I’d picked a name for myself without giving it much thought. It said something about my personality that the first thing that popped into my head had been a car.

“Just Valiant, thanks. How are you?”

“We have come to learn the ways of modern society.”

“Yeah,” I said, “I’m not right for the job. Equestria is basically the middle ages compared to where I’m from.”

“The mysterious United States of America?” asked Luna. I had mentioned my citizenship to her when we’d first met.

“Will you be staying here, Princess?” said Twilight, breaking in. “I have a spare bed.”

“Our business is not with you,” replied Luna. “Lodging at the Ponyville Inn has been acquired. Come, Valiant.” She turned and walked out of the library, taking the guards with her.

I turned to Twilight. “So if you’ve got a spare bed, how come I’ve been sleeping on the couch since I got here?”

She shot me a glare and I hurried out the door.

Walking with Luna over to the Inn, she asked me to talk about myself. I love talking about myself.

“Well, in case you didn’t know, I’m dreaming and you’re all part of my subconscious," I told her.

“This statement seems to have been said before.”

“I bring it up in conversation a lot. I blacked out drunk one night and found myself here. I don’t know what else this could be other than a weird dream. Twilight thinks I’m just insane.”

“Insanity is familiar to us,” said Luna. “One thousand years of solitude can cause that.”

“Hey, join the club. Actually, we don’t have a club.” I thought for a moment. “You know, between you, me, and Screw Loose, we could have a club. A crazy club.”

“This is not what we came here to do,” said Luna, sounding somewhat irritated. She led me past the Royal Guards that had locked down the Inn for security reasons.

“You really can’t blame me. I’m just trying to be terrible at my job so you’ll get someone else to do it.”

“THOU HAS DUTIES! RENDER SERVICE UNTO US!” she roared in her “traditional Canterlot voice.” I’m not afraid to admit that I squealed a little.

“Screw that!” I turned and tried to run for the door. A member of the Royal Guard knocked me over before I made it three steps.

Luna walked over to where I lay, struggling to get out from under the guard. “Why all the resistance?” she asked, looking confused. “Have we done something offensive?”

“Well, yeah, kind of. You expect me to put up with your ‘high and mighty’ this and your ‘oh God I’m so lonely’ that, and I’m not getting anything in return.”

“Who is God?”

“Uh, well, you probably won’t like my answer. Let’s save that for later and focus on getting me out of my obligation to work for you.”

The Princess considered it. “What can we do for enticement?”

“First, get this guy off me.” Luna nodded and the guard let me up.

“And then…” I trailed off, kicking myself for not having a list of demands ready to go when I found myself in situations like this, which was surprisingly often, by the way. I mean, if this stupid dream wasn’t so—

“And then?” prompted Luna.

“Oh, uh, you’ve got to do something about your language,” I said. “I have to translate from ancient to modern in my head, and it’s driving me nuts. Using contractions wouldn’t hurt, either.”

“I…I will try.”

“Next, I think we need to get you out and socializing with the public.”

“How?”

“Well, I’m pretty sure blue agave doesn’t grow in Equestria, so getting liquored up is out of the question. Let’s just walk around the town. Not like you are now, though. Most of the ponies would freak if they saw you coming down the street.”

I thought for a moment. “Let’s go see Rarity. I’ve got a plan for a disguise, and she can help make it work.”

“It’s not going to work, Valiant,” said Rarity, the local fashion snob. Luna, her contingent of guards, and I were crowding the boutique that she owned.

“Why not?”

“Because it’s still Princess Luna! Just putting on a pair of sunglasses may work for you, but she’s too distinctive!”

“Some fashion designer you are.” I knew those were the exact words to get Rarity to do something for me. They were also quite effective at getting my nose smacked with her hoof.

“Princess, if I may,” said Rarity. “There is a concealment spell I’ve heard about that could be what you need. Twilight probably knows more about it. I’ll send some sample books over with you.” She quickly began drawing up a detailed plan.

I glanced over her shoulder. She was muttering under her breath. “Hmm, a lovely yellow…offset it with a nice bright red mane and tail…yes, that should do…” She drew a quick sketch.

I ended up carrying the pile of reference materials over to the library. I don’t know why the guards couldn’t do it. I detected a couple of them smirking at the ache the stack of books was causing me.

Twilight was happy to help. She seemed to have resigned herself to the fact that Luna thought I was cooler than she was.

“I think this will work,” Twilight said, looking over Rarity’s notes. “We’ll just have to pick a cutie mark.” Spike handed her one of the books. Rarity apparently used it for matching common cutie marks with color combinations.

Twilight flipped a few pages with her eyes closed and picked at random. She looked at what her hoof had fallen on, and nodded. “All right. Are you ready, Princess? The illusion should last for a few hours.”

Luna nodded. She looked somewhat nervous to be on the receiving end of another pony’s spell. I couldn’t blame her. As an earth pony, magic pissed me off more often than not.

Twilight’s horn lit up, and in a literal flash Luna was transformed into the pony Rarity had sketched.

“What’s that?” I asked, examining her cutie mark.

“It looks like a wheel of Gouda with a slice cut out,” said Spike.

“So it does,” I agreed.

“Cheese?” suggested Spike.

I nodded. “Cheese.”

“Cheese?” asked Luna.

“That’s you,” I said.

Twilight facehoofed. “What does she need a nickname for?”

“The Ponyvillians—Ponyvillites?—Ponyvillsters?—uh, residents of Ponyville—know that the Princess is in town. Any new arrival named Luna is going to stick out, regardless of what she looks like.”

“I guess you’re right,” said Twilight.

“I always am.” Before she could point out the patently obvious fact that I was lying, I ushered Luna out of the library.

“We really need to lose the guards,” I said to her. “No normal pony has escorts.”

The Princess nodded and ordered the Captain to take the rest back to the Inn. He didn’t seem happy about it. It’s like I wasn’t trustworthy or something.

“How about we go to the market?” I suggested. “There’s lots to do there.”

On the way, we encountered Fluttershy, who appeared to be carrying groceries for all the animals that she tended to.

“Hey,” I said. “I’d like to introduce you to my friend, Cheese.”

“How do you do,” Luna enunciated carefully.

“I’m fine, thank you,” answered Fluttershy. There were several seconds of silence.

“Um, well, we’ve got time to stay and chat,” I said. “Why don’t you talk about what you like to do, Fluttershy?”

“Well, I take care of all the animals in Ponyville. In my free time I like to cook or sew.”

“I don’t do any of those things,” said Luna. There was another awkward silence.

“Well,” I said, “it’s been fun. See you, Fluttershy.”

We walked on. “Will all conversations be so brief?” asked Luna.

“No. Maybe it’s because Fluttershy is so timid.” I spotted a pony overhead, resting on a cloud. “Here’s one that's more outgoing. Hey, Rainbow!”

“What?” answered the pegasus. She didn't look down.

“I’ve got someone here I’d like you to meet.”

“Can it wait? I’m on the clock with the Weather Patrol right now.”

“It looks like you’re napping.”

“Union break.”

“What is a union?” asked Luna.

“It’s the thing that made Jimmy Hoffa disappear. I think that’s right, at least. I’m not too good with history.”

Rainbow rolled over. “I’m staying on this cloud, but I guess I could talk to you if you could get up here.”

Luna shifted a little, and I heard the sound of feathers, even if I couldn’t see them.

“Hold on,” I said. "You’re supposed to be an earth pony. As much as I would like to see the look on Rainbow's face, it’s not worth blowing your cover.”

“Screw you, Rainbow!” I called over my shoulder as we left. She waved a hoof dismissively.

We walked by the park. Lyra was lounging on a bench like she often did. When I had asked once, she claimed that her back was crooked due to scoliosis and it was the only way she could get comfortable. I'd later learned that she was only doing it for medical insurance payouts.

The market was located on the next block. We found Applejack at her fruit stand.

“Well howdy, Valiant,” she said with her ridiculous acccent. “Who’s this with you?”

“I am Cheese.”

Applejack looked confused for a moment, but then spotted her cutie mark and put the pieces together. “Well it’s real nice to meet you.”

“Applejack,” I said, “why are you still here if your cart is empty?”

“We sold all our apples earlier. Ah'm just waitin’ on Apple Bloom to get back. Pinkie was makin’ us a pie, and she went to get it.”

“I think I could go for something sweet,” I said. “Why don’t we head over there?”

We passed Apple Bloom on our way to the bakery. She was with her friends, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo. They were piloting an advanced robot that walked along on legs.

“Hey Valiant!” said Scootaloo. “Who’s your friend?”

“This is Cheese.”

I saw each of the three fillies look at her cutie mark. Apparently, they all thought cheese was boring. My cutie mark was a hood ornament. They didn’t pay attention that, either.

“We’re gonna go help Applejack now,” said Apple Bloom. “See y’all later!” The robot rumbled away.

“What was that machine?” asked Luna.

“Oh that old thing? It’s a robot. I built it.”

When it sank in the lake a while back, I built a better one. The Cutie Mark Crusaders had attempted to get cutie marks for underwater salvage, which to surprise of many resulted in successful recovery of the robot, although no marks. Since I had a better model now, I let them declare finder’s keepers.

“I should like to learn more about these ‘robots’.”

“Sure, I’ll get to that later.”

We arrived at Sugarcube corner. Pinkie was happy to see us. “Oh my gosh, a visitor to town! You know what that means!”

“No, I don’t,” said Luna. She looked happy to have made the jump to using apostrophes in her speech.

“I have to throw you a party!”

Sensing things could quickly go downhill, I said, “How about we just settle for some treats now? That’ll give you more time to plan the party.”

“Oh, that’s a great idea Valiant! Here, I’ve been working on something new.” She grabbed a tray out of the kitchen with some kind of pastries on it. She set plates in front of us and served the treats.

I snarfed mine. I wish I could have come up with a better adverb for that, one that didn’t reference Thundercats, but I couldn’t, and so I snarfed it.

Luna raised hers to her mouth and took an elegant bite. Pinkie stared at her, evidentially wondering how she was moving the pastry without a magic horn.

I was contemplating whether snarfed was actually a verb, rather than an adverb, when suddenly I discovered that there was something crunchy inside the treat. I swallowed and said, “Pinkie, what did you put in these things?”

Successfully distracted from Luna, Pinkie turned to me. “Oh, flour and sugar and butter and milk and cream and pecans and—”

“Pecans!?” I shouted. “You know I’m allergic to nuts!”

“Yeah! I thought it would be a funny prank.” She smiled.

“It’s not a prank, it’s attempted murder!” I gasped as my throat swelled shut.

“So this is a modern hospital,” said Luna. She was back to looking like herself.

I nodded, still a little wheezy. I hadn’t really needed to visit the emergency room, but Mr. and Mrs. Cake insisted. Something about liability lawsuits had been said.

“I hope we’ve all learned a valuable lesson here,” said Twilight. She and her five friends were with us.

“Pinkie’s psychic?” suggested Applejack.

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Just because she was somehow able to see through the disguise doesn’t mean she has freaky mental powers.”

“She does have freaky pranking powers, though,” said Rainbow.

“I was just showing Princess Luna a good time.” Pinkie giggled. “It’s a good thing you’re orange, Valiant. If you were blue, the suffocation wouldn’t show.”

That was messed up on many levels. If I had fingers, I would have showed her one. In the meantime, I settled for a scowl.

There was a commotion outside and Princess Celestia came through the ER doors.

“Princess,” said Twilight, getting up. “What are you doing here?”

“Valiant didn’t send a report like he was supposed to,” said Celestia. “I’d like to talk to him alone.” The other ponies got up and began leaving the room.

“Not my fault,” I managed to rasp. “Nut allergy.”

“Then it’s a good thing you aren’t interested in stallions!” sang Pinkie on her way out. The other ponies tittered, even Rarity and Fluttershy. I heard Princess Luna ask, “What’s that mean?”

After the door shut, Celestia said, “Do you know why I asked you to do this for Luna?”

“You hate me?”

She laughed. “No, nothing simple like that. She’s just not on good terms with the Elements of Harmony.”

“I thought it was actually Nightmare Moon that got blasted?”

“Well, you try having your only acquaintance for a thousand years suddenly taken away by half a dozen ponies wearing shiny jewelry.”

“Huh. I guess I never considered it that way.”

“She’ll get better in time,” said Celestia. “You’ve made so much progress already. She’s already dropped the Royal ‘we’ in her speech.”

“Yeah, dragging things down to my level is one of my specialties.”

“Well, I’ll be going then.” Celestia headed for the door.

“Hey, wait! While you’re here, I want to talk to you about the cruel autocracy that you run.”

“Valiant, I’ve read about your thoughts regarding ‘democracy’ in Twilight’s letters. It’s not going to happen.” She pushed open the door. “Get well soon!”

"Sic semper tyrannis," I muttered. I may not be too good with history, but I knew that phrase. I wished I could remember whether it was Lincoln or Booth who said it.

That night at the library, I lay on the couch trying to doze off. While I was still firmly convinced that I was dreaming in real life and therefore did not need rest in sleep life, going to bed in Equestria would advance me to the next day more quickly.

And what a day it was going to be. Luna wanted to drive the robot.

Author note:
Want to know more about the adventures of Valiant and learn how he got to Equestria? Check out my other story, A Dream, which closely follows the plot of the show.

Next Chapter: Luna's Lesson part 2 Estimated time remaining: 4 Hours, 39 Minutes
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