The inside of Castle Despicable was as chaotic as ever. Cadavers lay strewn around randomly, reverse engineered xenotech was imbedded in the wall, and pie was organized by flavour on the table. Pie…? Why pie? Oh God No! Not him again! The last time I wrote a story about him, he replaced my spleen with a tube of plastic wrap!

“I am sure I have no idea what you are talking about,” Doctor Doctor Wilheim Despicable looked up from his meal.

He paused for a moment before suddenly gasping in realization

“Wait, my middle name is Wilheim?” he queried.

For the purposes of this story, yes.

“Oh! That’s a horrible name! it reminds me too much of that idiot down the street…you know, the uh…I just forgot his name.”

Dr. Wilheim Von Martinez?

“Yes that’s it! Change my middle name now, and I may consider only taking out your liver in the name of science. If not…well, your testicles will always suffice.”

You already removed my testicles!

“That was in a different story. Change the name now!”

Fine. How’s Artemis?

“Much better.”

Now can I carry on with my story?

“Certainly, my boy.”

The inside of Castle Despicable was as chaotic as ever. Cadavers lay strewn around randomly, reversed engineer xenotech was imbedded in the walls, and pie was organized by flavour. Seated at the table was Dr. Doctor Artemis Despicable. Genius! Rogue! Mad Scientist! Despite the list, Doc was mostly a mad scientist.

“And Genius,” said Doc looking up from his pie.

At this moment, the Doc realized that he was out of fresh, non-human cadavers. But he didn’t just want animal cadavers, he wanted sapient beings…and he had harvested all of the moon men. What did this leave him with? It was quite disappointing really. Because the women from the moon looked more like squash than anything else, reproduction on the moon was abnormally low. If they had been able to reproduce quickly, Doc realized, he would still have moon cadavers. He sighed.

“Oh, I wish I hadn’t harvested all of the Moon Men,” he groused.

He suddenly perked up.

“I haven’t tried Mars yet. I bet the Zaboos have a lot of minions! Maybe I’ll just teleport to Mars and begin harvesting there. Annoying the Big Zaboo is always fun. But then he’ll start chasing me, and Mars doesn’t have a good selection of pies. Maybe I’ll teleport the castle there, so I’ll have cadavers and pie!”

With this decided, Doc strode over to an array of consoles he had recently built into the Castle’s reactor (which he had stolen from the military). After pressing a number of buttons a satisfying hum came from the castle’s basement. Next came a sound that was totally unnatural in its range, and not unlike the sound of a generic laser blaster. Purple light flared through the windows, before finally returning to a bright, sunny glow.

Wait. Something wasn’t right. Mars was further from the Sun than Earth. So why was the light the same as it was on Earth? Was Lobo tampering with the coordinates again? Doc hoped not. The last time that happened, he landed in a hippy enclave. The hippies were not happy that he was experimenting on trees. F-beep-king tree huggers.

Doc threw open his door, and was confronted with a scene right out of a fairy tale. Or this story, at any rate. Before him lay a small town glowing in the beautiful sun. Scurrying around in the town,  or flying above it, were strange quadrupedal extraterrestrials. Most were staring at the castle that had landed just on the outskirts of their town with disgustingly large eyes. Then they were staring at Doc. He grinned sheepishly.

“It’s a human!” a mint green quadruped with a horn screamed, while pointing at him with its hoof.

It rushed at him, salivating slightly. Doc sidestepped, allowing the creature to propel itself into the castle. Then, he slammed the door shut and pressed his emergency anti-siege protection button. Depleted uranium armor slammed down over the doors and windows, both on the outside and inside. If the army couldn’t go through it, neither could the aliens. The mint green creature (unicorn) was now clutching his leg, still salivating.

“Hmmm… I have never vivisected a unicorn before!” Doc laughed maniacally to himself.

He rummaged through his pockets.

“No, no, no! Not the atomic atom splicing atomizer, that is not what I’m looking for,” he tossed it over his shoulder.

“Oh no, definitely not the hamster wheel powered sonic head smasher! Certainly not! No focused nuclear powered death ray shotgun. Certainly not the big f-beep-king chainsaw! No! Not the plasma kinetic photon barrier. Certainly not the mini nuke…better not throw that over my shoulder,” he threw it anyway.

“Ah yes! Here’s the taser!”

Within moments, the unicorn was convulsing on the ground, rimmed by electric shocks. With an evil and crazy laugh-

“Not crazy!”

With an evil and madly scientific laugh, Doc had Lobo prep the vivisection table. He went deeper into the bowels of the castle to find his fine collection of scalpels. He wondered if the aliens had an equivalent to Walmart. That was where he always went to find cadavers. No one was ever missed at Walmart. Morgues were so…generic and old school.

Silently, due to his lack of a brain, Lobo passed a scalpel to Doc.

“Ahh! Lobo, I have already told you! Deliver the scalpel lengthways, not vertically. God, that smarts! And don’t think I haven’t seen what you do on the internet, young man! Rise of the Lobotomized Slaves is a movie, and in no way has an effect on reality!”

Outside of the castle, a group of Ponies had already gathered. A purple unicorn was at their head. As Princess Celestia’s personal student, and the leader of the Elements of Harmony, Twilight Sparkle was always turned to for aid in Ponyville’s darkest hour. Ponyville’s darkest hour incidentally happened every other week.

Twilight Sparkle usually had an answer for everything. It took a lot to leave her speechless. However, an alien castle appearing out of nowhere was a good start. Twilight Sparkle wracked her mind for the species that the alien came from. Lyra had identified it as a “human”. But that was impossible. Humans didn’t exist. It was a scientific fact!

Shortly after Lyra had charged into the castle, giant metal hatches had slammed over the doors and windows. Twilight was certain they were to keep other ponies out. Perhaps the alien was introverted? It had been dressed in a long white coat that reminded her of a lab coat. Perhaps it was a scientist.

An agonized scream emerged from the castle, causing all the ponies to flinch. A sign suddenly materialized in front of it. Twilight stared at the sign, trying to figure out what it said. The language was alien, yet somehow familiar. Twilight could suddenly understand it.

“No trespassing! Violators will be vivisected in the name of science!” Twilight read out loud.

Twilight clapped her hooves together, squealing in the most disgustingly cute fashion possible. He really was a scientist! This was going to be great!