The Great and Marvelous Adventures of Tom

        You know, You might read this entire story and not figure out one thing about me. Sure, you might learn that I’m a really under-appreciated, sensitive guy, but you might just not pick up on this one fact: so I’ll give it to you straight. I’m a rock. Now, hold on. Don’t call shenanigans just quite yet. I’m a rock from no ordinary place- I’m a rock from Equestria. And in Equestria, everything is alive, if only a little bit. and even if it can’t express itself at all. Like me.

        So, now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s start this story. My story. It began, really, when I was created; but that’s a long and fairly boring account involving the forming of planets, the beginning of the universe... You know, that kind of stuff. So let’s just cut to the part where I’m roughly a kilometer underneath the surface of equestria, whiling away my time. Being a rock isn’t as boring as you’d imagine; just a little bit cramped. because, you see, rocks can communicate with each other, as long as they’re touching, or they’re touching a rock that’s touching, and so on and so forth. so it’s kind of like an infinite version of a forum, except one you can never leave (FOREVER!). So, one day, this priority message comes through: this guy, who USED to be a stone until just recently, is looking for some volunteers to help him out with something. Pretty much everyone grumbles a bit and tells him to go find his own rocks, and they’re just fine where they are, thank you very much. But I was never one to follow the crowd, anyway.

        I volunteered. I told him I would do anything he wanted just to get out and see the sky again. Not that I could “see” the sky in the sense of the word, but Even rocks can sense their surroundings. so, with an oily sounding laugh, he teleported me right up to the surface. And just in time, apparently. the most beautiful pony I had ever seen was walking right up to us. What’s-his-name, the guy from before, talked to her, but i didn’t pay much attention. My eyes were for her beautiful coat, her gorgeous face, and her flowing mane alone. I was in love. The she started to leave. My heart broke in that instant, torn apart by this untold beauty I had never even spoken to. Not that I have a heart. All I really have is a lot of igneous and a bit of quartz.

        Suddenly, she turned her head. Like something was stopping her from leaving. She was gritting her teeth. all of the pieces of my shattered metaphorical heart flew back together. Was she? Could I even hope it? And then, all of a sudden, it was true. She was cantering back to me, and I was... well... standing uprightly back to her. That was the most perfect moment of my life. then she started scratching at me with her hooves. It was painful, but every stroke was bliss. she was like the refining fire, burning away the grime to find the gold. Well, she was going to burn away a whole lot of grime, since I wasn’t composed of any gold. But I was going to relish every bittersweet moment.

        Finally, she stopped. She had carved out a giant hunk of me, shaped roughly like a gemstone. She splayed herself over my new form, panting mine, mine, all mine. The rest of me, now a forgotten husk, sank back into the ground. How I wished SHE was mine, too. The behind me, where the rest of me had been absolved down into the earth, three other ponies ran up- one orange, one pink, one purple. None of the compared to my beautiful muse. I payed little attention the conversation they were having, until one of them said something along the lines of:

        “Rarity, that’s a rock.” this statement taught me two valuable things; firstly, that the beauty before me was named Rarity, and second, that someponies thought that rocks were undesirable companions. The second, if you are wondering, is frankly untrue; pet rocks are loyal, quiet and low-maintenance. Several classy ponies with busy schedules *Cough cough, Octavia* have pet rocks and a quite satisfied. but, interrupting my learning, Rarity replied.

        “No, Twilight,” she sang, “THIS is a fabulous diamond!” It took me a moment to process this. then a little red flag popped up. I was definitely NOT a diamond. Was my lovely Rarity deluded? Did she not want to accept me as I was? I was confused. Then, in an instant, it all made sense. The oily character that had brought me up to the surface- he must have used his oily magic to trick beautiful Rarity into thinking I was a diamond. That would explain the rough gemstone shape. I wished with all my soul that I could say, no baby, I’m just a rock. Let her down softly. But I lacked a mouth- and even if one of my scratches was shaped like one, it would never speak.

        Suddenly, I was being hoisted- two of the ponies were lifting me, dragging me along. Where were we going? what would become of me? And most of all, why did the oily, elusive figure want me to look like a diamond? I felt confused as I never had before. However, the flank of the pony who my figurative head was resting upon was soft as a marshmallow, so I fell quickly into a deep slumber. After all, the present events didn't directly concern me, so I figured I had earned a break from this exhausting "surface" business.

I woke to a none-too-gentle drop. Apparently, Rarity had given up on me, but insisted the purple pony continue to carry me. I won't say the purple pony looked happy about this at all. Another pony was joining the parade- a yellow and pink one I thought to stay away from. quite suddenly, the slimy villain that had brought me to the surface appeared. He exchanged some words with the purple pony, but I didn't really catch any of it. I was too busy trying to send him a message, needle him for his motives. However, even if I was successful, which I'm willing to bet all my uncle frank's gold that I wasn't, I received no reply.

In an instant, the tall hedges all around our little party disappeared. I suppose this must have had to do with the conversation between Dr.oil and the purple pony. Regardless, I was totally unprepared for the change of scenery. I was equally unprepared for the new accessories that everypony seemed to be receiving. Both the purple pony and Rarity had horns, and the yellow pony was not only a pony, but a pegasus. And Dr.oily! He pulled the absolute sickest shades out of nowhere. I was so jealous of those shades. Imagine, my innocent reader, the sheer awesome of my (literally!) Chiseled features adorned with those super-duper sunglasses. Needless to say I sighed on the inside very hard as I watched those classy eyepieces disappear. Almost as classy as a monocle. Alas, monocles is a discussion for another day.

We traveled, for reasons unbeknownst to me, through an increasingly more chaotic world towards a destination called "ponyville". Dr.oil popped up several times throughout our journey, irking the ponies of our little band. I gathered that there was another pony from the same group of friends who had left them earlier that day, and that the purple one, at least, wanted to do something to stop Dr.oily from making all of equestria chaotic. I wasn’t so sure. I mean, This was my first experience above the surface for veritably thousands of years. It might as well be colorful. On the way to ponyville, the eloquent Rarity named me Tom. Not exactly the pinnacle of names, but certainly an improvement my old name, Nert.

        Just as we were about to reach our destination, Dr.oil turned the roads of equestria to soap. The purple unicorn fell a couple of times. I had to contain my laughter at her frustration, until I remembered that I couldn’t laugh. So I let loose. I wondered for a while if laughing at ponies in my head made me a bad person. Then I reasoned that since I wasn’t actually a person, I couldn’t be a bad one. I figuratively shook my head. All of these “Am I a real person?” shenanigans were making me dizzy. “Don’t take it out of proportion, Tom” I whispered to myself. In my head, of course. It was all in my head.

        We arrived in ponyville shortly thereafter. The purple unicorn, Twilight sparkle, was genuinely cranky by now. I had also noticed that all the other ponies seemed to be acting strangely. Not like ponies at all, if the chatter from the rocks near the surface where any indication. they were being mean, jealous, lying, and grumping. It as making me quite uncomfortable. Even my beautiful Rarity was acting unpleasant. I truly hoped that Twilight’s fix worked, because Equestria sure wasn’t a fun place with Dr.oily running the show. Even if he did have sick shades.Oh how I wanted those shades.

We eventually reached a large, hollowed-out tree that seemed to served as a library. The inside felt like the only sane place in all of ponyville- save the fact that I had to be thrown through a wall to get inside. Rarity flat-out refused to come inside without me. It was starting to get really uncomfortable for me, what with the clinginess and all. Once inside, Twilight set to searching for a book that I gathered was of great importance to stopping oily-pants.

Finaly, she found it- only to have it snached away by the other ponies. I watched in horror as these once-caring creatures played keep-away like a bunch of four-year-olds. Have you ever had to be as still as a rock while your friends made foals of themselves? I thought not.  Finally, poor Twilight got her book. With slightly crazed eyes, she opened the tome, revealing six magnificent jewelry pieces. (believe me-- I'm a rock. I know quality when I see it. Well, not see it, but you know what I mean... Yesh.)

Twilight quickly slapped the items onto the ponies, giving a pour baby dragon who seemed to be caught in the figurative headlights of the whole situation the medallion of the pony who was not present. Then, she rushed out the whole in her wall that I had so rudely created, along with everypony but one. Rarity seemed determined that I not be left behind. Touched as I was by this gesture, I wanted to scream "foal! Leave me and go!" However, Rarity was either deaf as a doorknob or not well versed in the language of rocks. Twilight came running back in, picked me up with her magic, gave me a look that said you are the filthy spawn of the abyss, and defenestrated me.

I really didn't want to be a tool of Dr.oily, phd phsycomanipulation. but I had agreed to the terms and conditions, not even stopping to read the first sentence. I had watched as the pour Twilight sparkle had made her stand. Had tried to use the elements of harmony. Had failed. I had watched, helpless, as she too had turned grey. Then I had been dragged home by greedy Rarity, whose beauty was fading by the minute. I wanted her to be herself again, even if it mean that she didn't want me. That would be okay. That would be just  fine.

Eventually, the purple unicorn, the orange earth-pony and the yellow pegasus all came by. The strangest thing was, none of them where grey. Then they tore Rarity away from me. To tell the truth, I have never been so happy to have a gorgeous pony hauled off of me. Twilight cast some sort of spell, and all of a sudden Rarity was white again, and rolling me out of her house.

"let us never speak of this again," she said to her friends concisely. Sure, it stung a little to be thrown away. But if you love somepony, you'll let them go. At this point, I rolled into a little ditch beside a road. My part in the story of Dr.oily pants and the elements of harmony is done; my life on the stage has come to its final act. you know what comes next. The magic rainbow nuke, oily turned to stone. What happened to me? Well, I slowly sank back into the earth, year after year. I shared my story, and what I had learned from it, with all the stones of equestria, and even a couple trees. It had been one heck of an adventure, coming to the surface. I felt like I needed to work out more... I mean, rocks don’t get out much, so I suppose you could say I was a bit washed up. (What? I never even moved myself throughout the entire story? leave that out out of this. Agonizing about how you can’t move is very mentally strenuous.)

As time passed, I watched the ponies grow older through the non-eyes of other inanimate objects. I never forgot Rarity, but, to be honest, as time went on I became more and more glad that I had lost that particular bit of baggage early. (She grew ugly? you gasp. No. She did most certainly not, at least not to this day. I just think the emotional trauma... more scarring... for the better... for both of us... *Sniff* who am I kidding, I would give anything to be back with her...) Their friendships grew in strength and became one of the most beautiful things I have ever not actually seen. As for me, I kept making bad jokes about how I was a rock. I still do; (Could you tell?) as well as passing on my wisdom to the other rocks of the lovely land of equestria.

I hope with all of my stone-cold metaphorical heart that you have friendships that last you your entire life, too. Because everyone needs friends. They’re what gets you out from between a rock and a hard place; (I’ve been the rock a couple times-- I would know) what pull you through the tough times. Because everyone has tough times. And, presumably, soft times, but I’ve never asked anyone about that. So go live life; you aren’t a rock. you actually can. And if you’re ever down in the dumps, think about me. Because I spent several million years down in the bowels of the earth. you can get through whatever it is.

Alright. enough of the “inspirational emotional” garbage. Time to wrap up some loose ends.

I never did get those shades.

After a number of years, a pony extracted me from the ditch I was in , and, seeing my very regular shape, decided I would make a grand piece to be carved into a small statue. So, long story short, I was. Rarity leaned against me once. I’m pretty sure I died.

Since Dr.oil became a rock once more, all us rocks could talk to him once more. And, I’m fairly certain he never had a peaceful, silent moment from the time he was turned to stone forward.

I asked him once. He didn’t have the shades. Said he kind of “made them out of magic.”