I sat on my couch, Velvet sitting on my lap and snuggling up against my chest. I kept my chin against her crown as I looked over a stack of contracts. "Oh Jesus...these fucking people are nuts...."

Velvet rolled onto her back, resting the back of her head against my thigh, "Hmmm?"

I read over the contract, "This mare wants to spit-roast her husband-" I cycled through the files, "-this one wants...wants me to- uh...she wants a pet...to walk around the town." I scratched the back of my head, "...I never like it when the words, crotchless, refers to me."

Velvet giggled in her usual motherly way, "Sounds sexy. Black leather?"

I coughed roughly, "I uh...doesn't say. All it lists is a butt plug, ball gag, blinders-- I mean, effectively she's asking for a gimp."

Velvet stifled a laugh, "Are you gonna do it?"

I lowered my head and shook it slightly, "It's my job.... I don't like every contract I get, but it's work...work at the sacrifice of my dignity...and my asshole...."

Velvet lost herself, chuckling loudly, "Oh Celestia's sweet ass...sorry, I don't know why I found that so funn--"

"Because I fucked ponies in the ass...and now I'm getting fucked. It's ironic...I know." I looked around the room, letting my hand fall against Velvet's underside and pet her belly, "I'm not bitter." I tossed the stack of files down and clasped my hands against my face, "What the fuck went so wrong with my life that I have to shove stuff up my ass?"

Velvet levitated the files over, "Anal fixation, and anal penetration, perhaps in that order."

I growled at her, my hands tensed up and just short of balling into a fist, "You're smart in the worst god damn way! Stop it!"

She stuck her tongue out, "I've had a lot of time to practice being witty, and a lot of time dealing with kids. Hmmm...this one's not that bad." she levitated a file with cupcake stationary over. "I think I know who it is too."

I plucked the file from her grasps, "Nananaaa...hmmm, no sex? What gay shit is thi--"

"Nick!" Velvet yelped, slapping me with a folder, "You're the gay shit! Mr. buttplug...."

I grumbled anxiously, "I- look...I just wasn't expecting some of the first words to be, no sex." I went back to reading the strangely innocent file. "...They want a sex coach? Seriously? Do--" I stopped myself as I remembered Velvet's ties.

She glared at me from behind a file, "Do what? Do married couples not have good sex?"

I coughed softly, "I uh...I realized halfway through. But I guess it's better they ask for advice then--"

"Then just cheat on each other? Yeah...I think so too." Velvet snapped a file, covering her face.

I tried to avoid looking down at her. It felt like someone had replaced the kind woman with a lion ready to rip my throat out at the slightest provocation. "So...you think you know who these--"

"They run a bakery in my daughter's town...I visited a while ago and they seemed, what's the word...lack luster? Kinda like how Night was after Twilight." She let out a sharp huff, "But like you said...I'm not bitter or anything."

I stared into space, boring a hole through the file of an endangered married couple. "So...any others look interesting?"

Velvet signed in the negative, "Lots of fetishes that aren't--" she stopped dead, a load of papers sliding to the floor save one. The sole remaining file was nearly on fire from the massive amounts of magic coming off of Velvet, "Nope."

I set the cuckold couple down and tried to pull the file away, "What is it?"

"No!" She yelped, trying to roll off my and onto the floor. I grabbed her, pulling her against my chest. "No dammit!"

"What is it!?" I yelled, digging my fingers against her tender belly, "Who is it!?"

"Buck y-ahahaaah stop it!" She screamed, trying to kick free. I kept on tickling her gut and trying to cause her hold of the folder to fizzle. "Nick I will bucking murder you!"

I hugged her tight, clonking our heads together and causing her magic to wane, "It's my work you're screwing with!" I kept up my delicate assault, eventually giving her a quick bite on the neck.

She yelped, legs shooting out and magic flinging the file behind the couch, "Asshole!"

I stood up, tossing her like a rag-doll and hopping to the backside of the couch. I found the file, opening it up and finding a large chuck of the left corner ripped away by angry purple magic, "Give it back!"

I looked up, spotting an absolutely livid face hanging off the edge of the couch. I reached up, pushing her down and speed reading the file, "Dear Mr. ... failed nights courting- humans don't seem to-- Twilight Sparkle...." I stopped dead, trying to stifle a laugh and failing horribly. I started busting up, almost crying, voice cracking and throat going dry as I failed to hold back my jubilation, "Y-your daughter...pfffff ahaaah!"

"Fuck you." Velvet stated, hopping off the couch, "Screw you...jackass."

"Velvet wait...Velvet wait!" I threw the file away, following after Velvet as she ran up the stairs to my bedroom. "Velvet wait!"

"Screw you Nick!" Velvet hurried up, leaving me watching flank as she ran away, "It's not funny!"

I grumbled loudly as I bolted up the stairs, "It's pretty funny. But hey, I have a deal!"

Velvet spun around in my hall, "We're not, dealing, with my daughter!"

I ducked down to her, "Velvet...we are. And your daughter's a grown ass wo- mare! But...I'm a reasonable guy...with a sexy...girlfriend?" I asked, sincerely unsure of what our relationship was.

Velvet bristled slightly, "We're...friends...that...have sex, and...fine, yes, special somepony, girlfriend, whatever you want to call me!"

I smiled wide, "Wife?"

Velvet snorted loudly, "Ambitious little shit aren't ya?"

I scoffed, "Ambitious is for people that don't have to drive to make said want, a reality."

Velvet grumbled, turning around, "Sure.... Look, Nick...." She wandered over, sliding her body against my leg, "Please...you can't take that contract...for me?"

I caught her flank under my arm, framing her backside with my arm. "Velvet...what did you think my deal was going to be? A Twilight for a Twilight...flank for flank...."

Velvet let out a short huff, "You really are just a pervert...aren't you?"

I slapped her flank softly, "Velvet...in two weeks I'm going to be walking around the streets of Manehattan in nothing but a gimp suit, in two days I'm going to be watching a...what sounds like a gross married couple have sex, and in three weeks I'm going to be taking out two mares and explaining some serious shit. Indulge me in a little anal--"

"What!?" she snapped, pulling her flank free, "Anal, dinner, what!?"

I stood up and nodded, "Oh yeah, no she's booked for a session. But somehow I think knowing I'm...with, her mother will kinda kill her libido. And- well--the anal thing is for me."

Velvet let out an angry growl, following up into a girly shriek and prance, "So either I take a dick up my ass, or you're going to whore yourself out to my daughter?! This isn't okay Nick!"

I started laughing, "Dick up your ass, no...no no no...." I rubbed my face, feeling a little warm as I tried to muster the words, "I uh- look I'm not going to stick a dick or a dildo, or anything that big up your ass."

Velvet grew bright red, her tail flipping up as she stared at me, "You want to- oh dear Celestia...Nick, what the buck?"

I huffed angrily, "Look, deal or no deal? Cause it's either gonna be you, or a princess...a purple princess, named Twi--"

"Alright!" Velvet shouted, "Fine!"

I smiled wide, "Velvet...I love you--"

She started walking past me, towards the bedroom, "Shut up Nick...."

"Velvet, I love you." I stated, following her, watching the thick dock of her tail sway back and forth as her puffy lips slowly dribbled a thin liquid. "Velvet--"

"Nick I get--"

I cut her off, picking her up and bearhugging her, "Velvet...it's not just sex."

Velvet huffed softly, "Sure it's not--"

I snuggled her close, swinging her left and right, "If it was just sex I would be on top. I just want to hear you feeling good--"

"Good?" Velvet snapped, "A tongue in my ass doesn't really sound good!"

I set her down, "Look...do you really not want to do this?"

Velvet shifted side to side, "Nick...why do you want to- why?"

I rubbed the back of my head. "Why does anyone fetish? Why can't I like a clean white little asshole? Why can't I want to bite that flank, slide my tongue past your tight little hole and just lash it around, handfuls of warm ass squeezing against my fingers, your voice going soft and mumbly as I hold you atop my face and just tongue fuck you?"

Velvet, sporting a bright red band across her muzzle, was shifting left and right. "Nick, you're a weirdo.... You want me, a grown mare, to sit on your face?"

I scratched my head, "In a perfect world I'd pile-drive you with my tongue." I stuck my tongue out, holding my hands just below my face and dipping my face, "Just jabbing your little ass, grinding you into the ground like the dirty little filly you are. I mean, you're small enough...I could do a standing sixty-nine and just pump you from both ends."

Velvet just glared at me. "You're such a freak. Didn't you want to learn to write or tell a story?"

I shrugged, "If you wanna write...I'll be your seat."

Velvet let out a sharp, annoyed huff, and slammed her forehead against the wall. "Why- I- now I'm horny...."

I scratched my head, "It's my job to make ponies hungry- wait.... Horny.... Err...it's my job to make ponies hungry, sexually."

"Nick...stop."

"Yeah I know...."

Velvet let out a soft groan, "Look. I'll think about it, but not right now."

I threw my hands out, "You're dripping on the hardwood! Why not right now!"

Velvet glared at me, "Because I've gotta- I've-...poop." she whispered, prancing about, "I gotta go to the bathroom...."

I nodded softly, "Um...yeah. Scat's not my- actually I'm just gonna go sort those files."

Velvet nodded, "I'm gonna go take care of some things. We can talk later--"

I shook my head and leaned against the wall, "Not really. Soon enough I'll be watching two bakers go at it like virgins. Such a lovely sight." Next Chapter: Cakesex Estimated time remaining: 26 Minutes