The bright sun rose over the Colorado mountain range, announcing the arrival of another beautiful crisp and clean day to the small town of South Park. It was a rather small, peaceful and quiet mountain town. The humble folks lived in tightly knit community where everyone knew each other and always greeted their neighbor with a smile. Of course there were some drawbacks with living in a small remote mountain town. Waking up in the morning with a sore asshole and a few missing underpants was small price to pay to the locals. At least you didn’t have to deal with traffic.

And thus our story begins in the house of the New Kid.

His arrival to South Park had been foretold by Coldwell Banker. On his first day he was sent out by his parents to seek out new friends. He quickly made his first friend which unfortunately was Butters. Butters had led him to the Kingdom of Kupa Keep, which was also known as Cartman’s backyard. The great, awesome, and totally cool Grand Wizard King had bestowed the New Kid the name of “Douchebag”. It was the Wizard King that introduced him to their game.

When he first joined the game he had sided with the human faction. Deep within the lands of Zaron (South Park), there was an epic war fought between the human and elf factions. The relic that they fought over was the sacred Stick of Truth. Whoever controlled the Stick controls the universe…and has the ability to make up the rules of the game as they pleased.

Yet as the game progressed he found himself in the middle of the feud between the human and elf factions over control of the Stick of Truth. Yet regardless of what choices he made, the humans and Drow Elves had joined forces to in order to raid Clyde’s fortress of darkness. Through his courage and bravery, the New Kid had earned himself the noble title of “King Douchebag”.

As chaotic his first week was, the New Kid was relieved when he woke up that morning. It was relaxing to have a night free of alien visitors, underpants gnomes, crab people, and Al Gore. With a deep breath he pulled the sheets from his bed and got dressed. He went down to the kitchen where his parents were enjoying their breakfast.

“Hello son,” said Dad, “Did you hear the news? They decided not to build the biggest Taco Bell in our town after all. Such a shame, I was really hoping that they would have enchiritos.”

The New Kid said nothing as he sat at the table.

“I’ve been checking your Facebook page,” said his Mom, “You’ve made a lot new friends since we moved in town. Over a hundred since I last checked.”

Again the New Kid said nothing as he poured himself a bowl of cereal.

“Son, I’ll Give $50 if you speak right now,” said his Dad.

There was still silence as the New Kid did not speak, instead he gave Dad a blank look and then started to munch on his cereal.

“I thought so,” continued Dad, “Anyways, it’s the weekend. Why don’t you outside and play outside with your friends."

The New Kid continued to silently eat his cereal and said nothing. He didn’t speak. It wasn’t that he couldn’t speak but rather chose not to speak. It was a trait that had been both an advantage and disadvantage though his adventure. The Girls thought it was hot that he played the role of the silent protagonist. Some of the Drow Elves thought he was full of shit. And the humans of Kupa Keep didn’t seem to care, especially the Grand Wizard, since he had the ability to kick ass.

“Well then enjoy your meal and then go outside to play with your friends,” said Dad at the breakfast table.

He remained at the table relishing the precious moments of peace that he had since moving into town. As much fun as he had playing with the other boys, he often found himself in situations that he rather not talk about. Well if he would even talk at all.

“That was an order,” said Dad sternly, “Go outside now! Go play with your new friends.”

The New Kid did as he was told and left the kitchen when he heard a knocking coming from his door. At the door was none other than the Grand Wizard King himself, Eric Cartman. He rushed through the door in his wizard’s hat and scarlet robe. He glanced at the New Kid with a look of distraught.

“King Douchebag, we have an emergency!” exclaimed Cartman. “It’s those goddamn Drow Elves again. Those backstabbing assholes plan to take Stick from the bottom of the pond. I should have known that Jew Elf Kyle would play dirty and want to get his greedy Jew hands on the Stick again. King Douchebag as your king I order you to retrieve the Stick from the bottom of the pond and bring back to the Humans. It’ about time that those fucking Drow Elves that should respect my fucking authoritah!”

QUEST ADDED:
“There and Back Again”
Objective: Retrieve the Stick of Truth

The sun rose over the majestic mountain that great city of Canterlot was founded upon. Celestia had granted the ponies another beautiful day to the Equestria and beyond. Down below the grand city laid the small town of Ponyville. It’s a rather quiet town, with its unique charm. Everypony knew the other and if you were new to town, it was guaranteed that you would have a warm welcome party.

Rays of light from Celestia’s sun traveled through the window of town’s library. Spike grunted as the light reached his eyes. He fumbled a bit until he decided to get up for his basket to start on his chores for that day. He glanced at the bed in the room and saw it was empty, Twilight was already up. On a closer look, he noticed that the sheets were unusually neat and tidy. The soft rustling that came from downstairs confirmed his suspicions that Twilight hadn’t gone to bed at all last night.

Spike gave a deep sigh as he walked down the stairs. As smart as Twilight was, she could also be rather dense at times. If left alone, she would dive herself into an intense studying session and would remain locked indoors for days. It was more of an understatement actually; she would lose herself so much among her books until she either collapsed from either hunger or lack of sleep. Spike was glad that she had agreed never to use the Sleep-be-Gone spell after the disastrous consequences it had while she was studying back in Canterlot.

To his amusement, he was not surprised when he saw that that Twilight was buried in a pile of books. ‘Great,’ he thought to himself, ‘another mess for me to clean up.’ Twilight however was asleep alongside her piles of books her head nestled against a huge tome.

The adorable sight made Spike decide to let the princess sleep in. He went to the kitchen to prepare breakfast. He whistled a jaunty tune as the smell of the eggs and pancakes filled the house. The sleeping Twilight awoke to the delightful aroma of a warm breakfast.

“Wow that smells delicious,” she said as trotted into the kitchen.

“So why were you up so late last night?” asked Spike as he served her a plate of eggs and pancakes. “Last time I check there were no emergencies or an urgent assignment from the Princesses.”

“Well yes that is correct, but I found a very interesting book and decided to research more on the topic,” she responded feebly, “And well I kind of lost track of the time.”

“What was it about?”

“Well it was about ancient interstellar portals-“

“Interwhat now?” Spike asked in confusion.

“Ancient gateways that led other worlds,” Twilight clarified to the dragon. “The ancient civilizations of this world had discovered advance science and magic to build these portals. Archaeologists today have found the ruins of some of these structures; it was a truly magnificent discovery. But sadly we don’t know how these portals work.” She gave a sigh and took a deep breath. “Just think about the opportunities if we managed to unlock the secrets of the ancient civilizations but that probably seems unlikely.”

“Why’s that?” Spike inquired, he was not used to seeing Twilight pessimistic.

“Most of their knowledge was lost when Discord first ruled Equestria,” Twilight said bitterly, “I know he changed his ways (or at least is pretending), but I doubt he has any recollection of the contents of the Great Library of Unicornia. Apparently he thought it was funny to transform the library into a giant swimming pool.”

“After Discord’s first defeat,” she continued “The Princesses decided to continue on with where the ancient unicorns had left off. But with the knowledge gone, they couldn’t achieve the same results. The portal project was soon abandoned after they managed to send a brave crew of volunteers through a portal but didn’t have a way bring them back when the portal malfunctioned.” She glanced at a clock hanging at the wall, "Well as interesting as this subject is, we better hurry up or we'll miss our train."

Twilight wolfed down the remainder of her breakfast and cleaned up the stack of books scattered throughout the library. Normally she would have Spike do it but today they were on a tight schedule. Princess Celestia had suggested she should take a break once in a while to relieve the stress from her new duties as princess. After much hesitation and an incident that left half of Ponyville covered in noodles, she accepted Cadance’s invitation to spend a week at Crystal Empire alongside Spike.

After triple checking her checklist, she decided that they were properly packed and headed out to the train station. When they arrived there they saw that their friends were there to see her board the train.

“It’s only for a week Pinkie,” she said softly as she tried to comfort the sobbing party pony. “Hey, you can throw a big party when I come back.”

That seemed to cheer up Pinkie Pie. The rest of the goodbyes went by without much incident. They went aboard the train and soon the train started to move. Ponyville grew smaller in the distance as the train gained momentum. Hopefully the small town could manage while she was away…right?

The New Kid left his house with the Grand Wizard. Along the way they were accompanied Paladin Butters, and Princess Kenny (who was an actual Japanese Princess thanks to a gift from the Sony Corporation). The band of humans journeyed towards Stark’s Pond, where the boys agreed to dispose the Stick because it was deemed too dangerous.

“King Douchebag,” said Cartman, “as you know, the Stick is at the bottom at the pond. I don’t care how you do it but as long as you get the Stick back it doesn’t matter. Just hurry up and retrieve it before those stupid elves find out.”

“Hey why does he have to get the stick?” asked Butters. “I mean you’re the one that threw it in the pond in the first place.”

“Shut the fuck up Butters!” shouted the irritated Wizard King. “King Douchebag broke the sacred oath; he totally farted on a man’s balls. And that was not cool brah that was not cool at all. But if King Douchebag can get the Stick back for us then I can forgive him for breaking the sacred oath. Now then Butters go with him.”

“Why?” the paladin protested.

“Because I’m the goddamn Wizard King and you will do what I say!” barked Cartman, “Now get your ass over to King Douchebag and get that goddamn Stick of Truth before those asshole Drow Elves and Kyle gets here!”

Butters marched over to the New Kid’s side. “Looks like we’re buddies again,” he said with a smile. “Oh well hopefully we won’t have to fight little babies again.”

The New Kid did not respond to paladin Butter’s attempt to make small talk as they walked along the edge of the pond. He soon caught a glimpse of the alien spaceship that had crashed into the pond. Taking a deep breath he activated the anal probe that the visitors (aliens) tried to place during his first night. The alien probe aboard the spaceship reacted and with flash of blue light, the New Kid and Butters were teleported inside the ship.

“Neato, so how did you get that in the first place?” asked Butters as he glanced out the window. When he didn’t hear an answer he continued, “You know you don’t really speak much. I’ve never actually heard you speak before. But the Wizard King says that you were a dick when you spoke to him.”

The New Kid said nothing but glanced outside the crashed ship. Butters turned around to face seem and saw that he was deeply staring at something outside the spaceship. The paladin scanned the bottom of the pond for a couple of minutes before Butters asked “Well do you see it yet?”

The New Kid pointed to something at the bottom at the pond. There where he pointed was the old ruins of some kind of castle or fortress. It would have been an impressive sight had it not fallen to such a state of disrepair. On what seemed to be a gateway was a strange stone tablet the depicted a coat of arms that consisted of two winged horses with horns. One of the horses was pale pink and white while the other was a mixture of light and dark blue. They were circling each other and between them were a sun and a moon.

“Wow that looks something that the girls would come up with,” said Butters, “Do you think that’s where their secret base is at?”

The New Kid gave Butters a look for saying something stupid and pointed again towards the small castle in the bottom. The paladin glanced where he was pointing at and there is saw it. Just a few feet away from the old decaying gate, half buried in the sand next to the stone emblem with the two horses, was the Stick of Truth.

“Oh I see it now!” exclaimed Butters. “But how are we going to get from down there?”

He turned to the New Kid and saw him put a snorkel on his head; he then tossed another one to Butters. “So we are going to swim down there?”

The New Kid nodded as he opened an exit at the bottom of the spaceship.

“Oh hamburgers…”

“Are you sure about this?” Sweetie Belle asked as she looked down.

“Of course I’m sure,” said Scootaloo, “Trust me, we’ll be completely safe.”

The Cutie Mark Crusaders were at the edge of Sweet Apple Acres. They had agreed to try zip lining in hopes of getting their cutie marks. Apple Bloom had made a makeshift zip line course on the tallest trees in their farm. She was at the end of the course, making sure everything at her end was nice and secure.

“Apple Bloom is at the other side to catch you Sweetie Belle,” said Scootaloo. “So are you ready? Get set, GO!”

She shoved Sweetie Belle onto the course and the unicorn filly zoomed down the course. Scootaloo ignored Sweetie’s screams and she quickly gripped her pulley and leapt off platform she was on.

*SNAP!*

The rope that they were riding down snapped from the end Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo started. Scootaloo had not managed to secure it properly. Sweet Belle and Scootaloo screamed in horror as they clung to rope as it gained momentum and sped around the tree where Apple Bloom was.

Apple Bloom’s secured end of the rope served as an anchor to the spinning rope. The rope continued to violently spin like a giant sling with two crusaders serving as stones. The momentum became too intense for the fillies keep hold of the rope and were flung off.

Apple Bloom glanced up into the sky as she her friends soaring up high, screaming at the top of their lungs as they flew over the canopy of the trees… and straight into the Everfree Forest.

“Why did I even agree to this,” muttered Apple Bloom as she rushed into the dark forest in search of her friends, “I knew we should have never gone with the zip lining cutie marks.”

The surface of the Stark's Pond began to bubble, at first there just a few scattered around. After a few moments the frequency increased as the smooth surface of the pond was distorted by ripples. At last tip of a snorkel penetrated the surface as the New Kid came out of the waters, tightly clutching the Stick within his hands. With a few strokes he reached the end his limits as he slowly limped towards dry ground all wet and breathing deeply.

“Good job King Douchebag,” said the Wizard King. “You have served your king well, now hand over the Stick.”

“Don’t do it New Kid!” shouted a furious and irritated voice.

They turned their heads and saw the High Jew Elf Kyle dressed in a burgundy cloak and crown of stick. He was followed by a horde of Drow Elves led by the brave warrior Stan and Jimmy the Bard. The Elves quickly surrounded the humans of Kupa Keep with their bows ready and loaded.

“What did wizard fatass tell you?” he asked the New Kid as he glared Cartman. “Did he tell you that we were planning to take the stick form the pond? He’s lying to you New Kid; you were there when we agreed to get rid of the Stick.”

“Don’t listen to his Jew lies King Douchebag,” retorted Cartman, “He’s trying to confuse you. You know that the Drow Elves cannot be trusted, they plan to you betray you once you turn your back.”

“What the hell are you talking about fatass?!” Kyle roared, “You’re the one that broke out truce and alliance by trying to retrieve the stick in the first place. New Kid, do the right thing and had the stick to the right side.”

“Fuck your stupid truce!” shouted the righteously infuriated Grand Wizard, “We only agreed to it because it was the only way we could beat up Clyde.” He then turned to the New Kid, “King Douchebag, I command you to give the Stick to me!”

“Don’t do it New Kid!” shouted the sneaky, conniving, traitorous son of the bitch from New Jersey; also known as Kyle. “Do the right thing and give me the Stick.”

Stan marched forward with an annoyed look towards Cartman, “Haven’t we already been through this before?” He glared at the Grand Wizard, “We have you humans surrounded and outnumbered. New Kid, give us the Stick.”

The New Kid remained still as he observed the boys intensely glare at each other. Cartman glanced at Princess Kenny and he nodded his head in understanding.

“Fuck you Drow Elves!” screamed Cartman. “Princess Kenny, sound off our horn.”

The Princess obeyed and blew the horn. At first there was nothing as the blast of the horn echoed. Then the ground began to vibrate. A thumping noise was heard from over a small hill. A small army of boys each of them armed with whatever equipment they could find came marching forward.

“FOR THE KKK!” they rallied in unison as they increased their speed and came face to face with the Drow Elf army.

“It seems that the tides of war have come,” said the wise Grand Wizard in a sage voice. “So be it.”

He marched forward between in front of his army and began to give his speech. “Humans of Zaron, the time has come again for us to lift up our weapons to face the dreaded Drow Elves of Larnion. Let it be known that your brave deeds shall be talked about on Facebook for days to come. Let us brave together and go out there and kick the shit out of that wicked Jew Elf and his army. We shall be strong, we shall fight fierce, we shall not give up, and we will never let the Darkness corrupt our lands for we are the brave. We are the KKK!”

The Human army roared in unison as Kyle finished his own speech to his Elf army. The two head of factions turned around to face each other. Kyle was followed by Stan and Jimmy. Cartman met them at the center of the battlefield with Princess Kenny.

The High Jew Elf turned to the New Kid who was still standing at the edge of the pond holding the Stick. “Well New Kid, whose side are you going to fight for? Do the right thing and join the Elves.”

“Don’t let him Jew your mind,” barked the Grand Wizard King, “Don’t fall for his lies. Fight for Kupa Keep brah. You don’t want to deny Christ brah do you? Why you gonna deny Christ brah?”

“Gah!” screamed Stan the Warrior as he buried his face into his hands. “I can’t believe that we are actually doing this again!”

“Yeah, this is starting to get re-re-rep-rep-repetitive…” stuttered Jimmy the Bard.

“Mmmm mmmmmm,” muttered Princess Kenny, “Mmmm mmm mmmmm.”

“Princess Kenny is right,” said Grand Wizard Cartman, “Where the hell is Butters?”

At that moment the waters of the pond began to stir and bubble. Soon another snorkel priced its surface as Butters crawled his way out the pond. He was carrying the emblem of the two winged horses with horns.

“Hey guys, I think I found out where the girls secret headquarters is at.” He said with a smile as the showed the stone emblem to the boys. The paladin walked towards the New Kid’s side, “So what’s going on?”

“Jesus fucking Christ,” whispered Cartman. He then turned to Butters spoke in a louder tone, “Just get over here Butters. And throw away that stupid stone, it’s fucking gay.”

“At once your majesty,” Butters saluted and rushed towards his side. A feeling of foreboding met the air as the two factions stared at each other. At one side the Drow Elves, led by Kyle, Stan and Jimmy were making their final preparations for the upcoming battle. No farther than a few feet away were Cartman, Kenny and Butters as they led the humans forward. The New Kid remained still between the leaders of each faction. The time had arrives for their game to reach its final moments. It was time to decide who the true master of the Stick of Truth was.

“Butters throw that stone away and blow our horn,” ordered the Grand Wizard. Butters tossed away the emblem and reached for the horn at his side. Nobody noticed as the magical relic impacted the ground, a crack spread throughout its surface. A split- second later the cracks lit up brightly.

Then it happened.

A burst of rainbow sprouted from the stone emblem. Its radiant light blinded the boys as they were about to charge forward and commence the battle. A show of rainbow light filled the center of the battlefield as it began to spin around in a wild dance. The light turned into a ghostly portal with a strong gush of wind whooshing through the middle of the battlefield.

The New Kid felt himself yanked out of the ground like a flower and pulled up into the air towards the portal. He heard a scream and glanced up to saw that Cartman, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Butters, and Jimmy were also being dragged towards the portal. Soon his sight was filled with bright lights as he went through the portal. Then with a flash… they were gone.

The boys that remained wondered in confusion on what had happened to the leaders of their game.

“Dafuq just happened?” asked a confused Human.

“I don’t know,” answered an equally confused Elf, “So what do we do now?”

“How about we play cowboys?” suggested a Human.

The remaining boys agreed and left Starks Pond to start their new game of Border Patrol vs. Meheecans.

QUEST COMPLETED
“There and Back Again”
Objective: Retrieve the Stick of Truth (Complete)

Author's Notes:

If you are still using Butters when you go recruit the girls, you are playing too safe. And so begins my attempt to do a crossover with South Park because why he hell not? So if you are offended by the content of the story then it means that I'm doing it right.

I haven't decided on what class the New Kid is so I'll leave it open in the comment sections. So what should it be: F̶i̶g̶h̶t̶e̶r̶,̶ ̶M̶a̶g̶e̶,̶ ̶T̶h̶i̶e̶f̶,̶ ̶o̶r̶ ̶J̶e̶w̶?̶
The comment section have spoken and decision made.