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Sideboard of Harmony

by FanOfMostEverything

Chapter 1: Ave Discordia

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"The second rule is that everypony has to play or the game is over, and I win."

"OBJECTION!" All eyes turned to Pinkie Pie, who'd slammed the path with far more volume than hooves on compacted dirt should've produced.

"Oh, what are you griping about?" groused Discord. "Of all ponies present, I thought for certain that I had you in my corner, Pinkie."

"Elementary, my good Discord."

"Fetlock Holmes never actually said that," Twilight grumbled. With a flash of light, her mouth vanished from her face, prompting a loud, muffled protest.

"Hush, child," commanded the draconequus, "the adults are speaking." He turned back to the party pony. "You were saying?"

"You've already lost your own game."

Discord brought a talon to his chest in mock offense. "Moi?"

"Vous."

He smirked. "Well, you'll have to excuse me if I don't immediately forfeit at your say-so, petite." The spirit of disharmony's expression became frighteningly serious. "Support your thesis."

"Gladly." Pinkie adjusted the glasses she hadn't been wearing a moment ago. "Your second rule indicates that you can win the game, implying that you are playing it, and consequentially that you are subject to its rules. Given the dewinging and -horning of our party, it can be inferred that said rules are being enforced as we speak. As such, your continued levitation and teleportation break the no-flying, no-magic rule. QED."

This merited a brief, polite round of applause. "Oh, well done, well done. I can find but a single flaw in your argument, but alas, it is a fatal one."

"What?"

The chimera spread his mismatched arms wide. "I'm Discord! Remember? Spirit of chaos and disharmony? The rules don't apply to me by definition."

Pinkie frowned, but not in defeat. "So it's a rigged game. You can't lose."

"Now you're getting it!"

She shrugged. "Well, then there's no point in playing."

The draconequus drooped. "What."

Applejack nodded. "So much fer no cheatin'."

"Um..." Rainbow Dash shuffled awkwardly. "Guys, you may not have noticed, but some of us can't exactly walk away from this."

Discord nodded. "The ambiguously gay wonder raises a valid point."

"What did you call me?"

He continued, paying no heed to the indignant speedster. "Are you really going to abandon your friends to a hornless, wingless drudgery of an existence?"

"Drudgery!?" Applejack shouted indignantly.

Pinkie was unmoved. "So you've gone from offering an exciting contest with the fate of the world at stake to extorting body parts." She shook her head. "Son, I am disappoint."

"Son!?" exclaimed the others (except Twilight, who still got out an "Mmm?")

The incarnation's expression became a similar blend of regret and frustration. "I'm sorry to hear that, mother, but I'd like to see what effect millennia of petrification would have on your sense of fair play."

The poofy-maned mare gave a resigned sigh and softly, sadly said "I'm sorry." Then she rose on her hind legs and brought her front hooves together in a single solemn clop.

Wngs and horns returned to their rightful places among her friends in a flash identical to the one that heralded their disappearance. Those same extremities then vanished from Discord, who fell on his face. The look thereon was positively murderous. "You dare?"

"I must." Pinkie gave a second clop, and Twilight's mouth reappeared at the apparent cost of the chimera's. The party pony turned to her studious friend. "Twilight, we're going to need to use the Elements now."

The unicorn was horrified. "We could do more harm to Equestria than Discord ever could!"

"You don't trust us?"

"I don't trust myself!"

Pinkie embraced the unicorn. "Don't believe in Twilight."

"Huh?"

"Believe in the Twilight who believes in Pinkie. Believe in the Pinkie who believes—"

"Oh, please!" Discord had apparently managed to reopen his mouth. "Do or do not, just spare me the played-out references!" He glared daggers at the party pony, a retort already on her lips. "And yes, I am fully aware of the irony."

The pink mare grinned. "You heard him."

Twilight swallowed. "Okay. But if we end up destroying the universe, it's your fault." With that, she closed her eyes and focused on memories she'd planned on quietly forgetting. No glow came to her horn, but her eyes shined with golden refulgence when next she opened them.

Whatever the chaos spirit had been expecting, that wasn't it. The power radiating from the unicorn was nothing like her previous displays. It was of an intensity he'd expect from one of the royal pains in the neck who'd stoned him in the first place. Worse, while it clearly wasn't the magic of one of the alicorn sisters, it was distressingly familiar. "I don't understand." He blinked, then cackled at the novelty. "I really don't understand! How are you doing this?"

"An Element o' Harmony's more'n just some fancy necklace or big crown thingy." Applejack's eyes were solid, brilliant green, seemingly consumed by their irises.

So to were Rarity's, azure light streaming from her sockets. "For all our faults, each of us is a paragon of her Element."

With eyes glowing crimson and a devil-may-care smirk, Dash seemed about as menacing as a pastel pony could. "You didn't hide them away any more than foalnapping Celestia would leave us without a princess."

"We represent them as much as the jewelry, if not more." By contrast, despite the twin beacons of pure white light coming out of her face, Fluttershy didn't even seem angry. Calm, stern, possibly disappointed, but not angry.

Pinkie's eyes seemed to be all pupil, cones of shadow marking her gaze. "So we've decided to go off-script."

The six rose into the sky, coming together as a single entity that just happened to occupy six bodies. The draconequus winced, fully expecting to return to statuary before he could even assume a suitably dramatic pose, much less overturn the paralyzing maternal edict.

Instead, he felt a strange blend of ecstasy and nausea as, for a moment, enough magic gathered in one place to distort space. The universe rebounded from the verge of singularity and for the first time in more than five thousand years, Discord felt genuinely afraid. Instead of the half-dozen playthings he'd been looking forward to isolating, tormenting, and desaturating, there stood a six-pack of the worst nightmares he'd never had. The Bearers had, by some bizarre arcana, transmuted themselves into a sextet of vengeful goddesses that had just found something to smite.

Twilight was once again more magic than mare, but she was not the gaunt mutant that had terrorized Ponyville and threatened existence. Instead, she looked rather like Celestia after a bath in grape Kool-Aid, if Celestia's wings were iridescent, insectile things that hovered on the edge of visibility. The Tiara of Magic stood proudly atop her head, called to its living aspect from its devastatingly clever hiding place. In a voice unlike any other sound the world would ever hear, she proclaimed, "We are the Elements of Harmony."

In his fear, Discord found enough restraint to resist an eyeroll and a "Well, duh."

Applejack stood so tall, broad, and stocky that for a moment, the spirit of chaos thought she'd changed gender. Even standing still, she seemed to pulse with life, her wings massive, her horn suspiciously Freudian. To encircle her neck, the Torc of Honesty had grown to such a size that it could've served as an armored kilt for the average pony. However, the enormous mare's voice, though deeper and stripped of charmingly rustic accent, was still an alto. "You stand accused of crimes against reality and escape from your just prison."

Rarity seemed hewn from a single massive crystal. No, sculpted. "Hewn" was far too crude a word for the living masterpiece, each facet a passionate sonnet of and to the world, reflecting not what was but what should be. The Torc of Generosity was flawlessly incorporated into the design, the gold offset and offsetting in a way to make any aesthete abandon his craft, knowing that perfection had already been given form. Her voice was the most beautiful thing Discord had ever heard that hadn't come out of his own mouth. "Since your escape, you have wasted no time resuming the reign of terror you had so callously sown before for the sole purpose of indulging your capricious whims."

Rainbow Dash, the draconequus was sure, had intentionally chosen a form designed to mock him. It resembled flesh even less than Twilight's solidified spellcraft. Instead, "she" (as if the thing even had a gender anymore,) was a wild, inchoate mass of crackling energy that just happened to consistently maintain the general shape of an alicorn. The temerity, managing to assume a form simultaneously more and less chaotic than his own! The Torc of Loyalty was slightly blurred, vibrating with the power it held in check. A series of thunderclaps, sizzles, and other seemingly random sounds, when taken together, could be heard as, "You show no thought, concern, or respect for the dignity, sanctity, or welfare of any other living thing."

Fluttershy almost hurt to look at. It wasn't her luminosity, carefully set to a level soft and pleasant for any eye. It wasn't the Torc of Kindness, with its insipid diamond butterfly. It was the tooth-rotting aura of love and acceptance that wafted off of her like a cloying perfume. Her voice was so pure and melodious as to be wince-inducing. "Your heart is without remorse for your actions, proud and utterly irredeemable." Well, when she put it like that, he almost felt a little guilty. Almost.

And then there was Pinkie Pie. Pinkie Pie, who, bucking the trend, presented herself as a draconequus of even greater anatomical diversity than her son. Seemingly no taxon had gone unsampled in her manifestation. A thrill of hope filled Discord's mismatched hearts. Surely, between his mother and the spirit of Laughter, there was some factor in his favor. As if in reply, Laughter incarnate shook her head, her Torc sparkling like the tears of a clown. For all her myriad components, her voice was unchanged. "Since the world was formed, you have brought nothing but misery to everyone who has ever known you."

"And yet..."

Discord turned back to Twilight. Really? The quintessential stick-in-the-mud? The fuddiest of duddies? Celestia's hooflicker?

"And yet," reiterated Magic given form, "you serve an essential purpose in the world, for without chaos, order is without purpose. Without strife, friendship is meaningless. Without discord, harmony is impossible."

The spirit risked prompting the pantheon. "Therefore?"

"Therefore," answered Kindness, "let us not expunge that which we find repugnant to the detriment of the world."

"Therefore," continued Loyalty, "let us recognize the thankless work of the necessary evil."

"Therefore," chimed Generosity, "let us provide an outlet for those who chafe at restriction."

"Therefore," reasoned Honesty, "let us ensure that this meeting will not take place again."

"Therefore," concluded Laughter, "let us crib a plot device from Dragonball."

All assembled looked at her with expressions that ran a wide gamut of emotion and describability. "Twilight, your line!" she stage whispered, either oblivious or indifferent to the stares.

"Therefore," Magic said with perhaps a bit more emphasis than necessary, "let there be created the Elements of Discord."

"Charisma, kindness as a means."

"Vanity, generosity towards oneself."

"Mischief, laughter at the expense of others."

"Ambition, loyalty until inconvenient."

"Cunning, honesty at its most selective."

"Chaos, the heart of magic."

Spake Honesty, "Each a part of everyone."

Spake Generosity, "Each not so much a vice as a corrupted virtue."

Spake Loyalty, "When the six are brought together by those who embody them,"

Spake Kindness, "When those six are united in purpose,"

Spake Laughter, "Then let the power of ultimate discord flow through them,"

Spake Magic, "And let them receive exactly what they deserve."

"Amen," offered Discord.

As one, the six declared, "So mote it be." With an incredible pulse of magic, the world was remade.


Celestia paced nervously in her chambers, so consumed in her own thoughts that she didn't notice her sister's entrance. It took three calls of "Tia?" and a physical nudge to shake her out of it.

"Oh, Luna." From her tone, it was clear that the sun princess was still distracted. "How goes the cleanup?"

"Most of Discord's work was undone with him. The more stubborn remnants are largely safe enough to be handled by conventional work crews, and the Guard has been dispatched to address the exceptions." The younger alicorn gave her sister a worried look. "How are you doing?"

"Fine, fine," Celestia said dismissively. She gave a self-deprecating smile. "Just trying to wind down after worrying a hole in the carpet."

Luna frowned, clearly not believing that for a second. "You don't 'wind down.' You've never 'wound down.' You go from concern to serenity in an eyeblink. Something's still bothering you."

"My faithful student, a pony who I love like a daughter, just risked life, limb, and sanity to seal away the monstrosity that the two of us defeated more by luck than skill. I think I'm allowed a moment to decompress."

The moon deity shook her head and sighed. "And you're trying to protect me from whatever it is that's gnawing at you. Tia, I'm a big pony. I can handle it. What's more, I can help you." She smiled. "We were meant to rule together, Sister."

Celestia returned the grin. "Oh, now you're just not playing fair." She gave a sigh of her own. "You're right, though. I'm going to have to learn how to delegate again."

"You seemed able to during the Ditzy Doo incident."

"That was just to get you out of the castle for once."

Luna smirked. "I thought as much. Still, we're getting off topic. What has you so flustered, Tia?"

"This." A sunshine-colored aura lit the older princess's horn and a necklace was brought out from beneath the Royal Pillow.

The indigo alicorn took hold of the item with her own magic and examined it. Despite her centuries of alchemical experience, she found herself unable to name the material. Steel? Silver? Platinum? It was metallic and gray, but beyond that she couldn't say. The jewel, on the other hoof, was obvious; a canary diamond carved into a stylized sun nearly identical to the one on her sister's flank. "Is this..." She trailed off, unable to finish the inconceivable thought.

Celestia nodded. "It appeared almost immediately after the Elements vanquished Discord."

"But... but that would mean—"

"Yes. It would appear that I am the Bearer of the Element of Cunning."

The younger goddess digested this for a moment. "Discord always did have a refined sense of irony."

"About the only refined thing about him."

"Do you know if any of the other new Elements have appeared before their Bearers?"

"It's under investigation. I commissioned several members of the Night Guard to aid my usual sources. I didn't think you'd mind."

"Not at all. This will require subtlety." Luna took another moment to think. "So what does this mean?"

Celestia smirked ruefully at the artifact. "Well, I'm definitely not wearing the thing, that much is certain. Furthermore, Canterlot Tower is going to have a new resident."

"But the Elements—"

"The living Elements of Harmony have twice demonstrated that attempts to safeguard the crystalline ones are unnecessary, if not misguided. The relics have been left in their care."

The night princess's stomach churned with her anxiety. "I hope you know what you're doing, Tia."

Her sister permitted herself a rare look of genuine fear. "So do I, Lulu. So do I."


In the exact center of almost an acre of blue-leafed Everfree undergrowth, a brightly colored rubber ball beckoned the whimsical and incautious.

Lodged in the exposed frame of the Steiffel Tower, itself but one of the countless landmarks in the capital of Prance, a velvet-covered beanbag waited for gravity to work its magic.

Atop the Drackenhorn, highest mountain in the perilous ranges griffons called home, a rounded lump of basalt dared something to claim it.

On the other side of every mirror, an incongruous disco ball teased with its obvious inaccessibility.

And deep in the collective unconscious, a draconequus considered the eight-pointed star in his paw, inconceivable thoughts whizzing through his mind. After an indeterminable time, he came to a decision.

"Well, it's certainly better than being a statue."


Discord, Chaos Incarnate RRRR
Planeswalker — Discord
0: Exile cards from the top of your library until you exile a nonland card. Put that many loyalty counters on Discord, Chaos Incarnate.
-1: Choose a creature you don't control at random. Gain control of that creature. That creature is colorless for as long as you control it. (This effect doesn't target and lasts indefinitely.)
-13: Shuffle your hand and graveyard and all exiled cards you own into your library. Draw fourteen cards, then discard seven cards at random. Cast each nonland card discarded this way without paying its mana cost if able.
3

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