The Flirt

by Sir Hat

Chapter 1: *Sexy Noise*

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Author's Notes:

Based on real life events.


I sat at the bar, nursing my drink as ponies came and went. The sound of their native language heavy in the air.

I just kept to myself and enjoyed the heavy taste of apples mixed in with my drink. If there was one thing these ponies knew, it was how to get drunk on apples. That's not to say they're not good at other things, but getting hammered was one of my only joys since I got here.

A lot of things have been crazy since I got here, yet somehow it all gets sorted out in the end.

Something about a group of six ponies, and something about magical friends or something. It struck me as bollocks, but who am I to argue.

Even my being here was sorted out rather quickly. One day I'm plopped down in a world of sentient ponies, the next I'm helping some purple pony with translations. But she was nice enough to make a translator for me. That kindness was short lived however, since I was slammed into a wall by her blue friend, and I've been too busy to get it fixed.

It hasn't hindered me too badly. These pony's body language is much more expressive than their actual language, which is difficult, to make out.

"Eeeerh." a shrill voiced pony squealed into my ear, slamming a mug down on the counter next to me. "Eurh!?" I nodded stupidly and turned back to my drink, letting the obviously drunk pony go back to her drink. "Eeheeeh." She turned to her friend and started whinnying incoherently.

From what I gathered, the ponies could understand me, and they were even speaking the same language, it just came out in an incompatible noise for me. I really needed to get the translator fixed, these horse noises were giving me flashbacks of Nebraska.

I was thankful considering my life before hand was kinda drab, but the lack of communication and the constant shrill cries were taking their toll on my mental state. But again, I couldn't complain too much. I had a house, I had a pseudo job, and I had friends.

Friends that I couldn't understand right now, but still. I enjoyed my new life. It wasn't exactly the same, or quiet as normal, but that came with bonuses of their own. For all the complaining I could ever do, there was a plus to counteract each one.

I got meat from flying lion eagle people, I got water and friendship from the ponies. They're great at massages too.

Life was good. Never will things be the same, but they're still good. Even when a dragon comes and lights my ass on fire, it'll still be better than getting hit by a car.

A loud tapping grew slightly closer as I finished my drink and tried to ask for more. After some whining and some hand gestures the bartender refilled my drink. I went back to drinking. I felt something tug my jacket, quickly telling me who it was.

"Ehuuf, eer hure" I recognized the tone. Rarity quickly occupied the space next to me. I felt the electric tingle of her magic tug on my jacket once again and straighten out a seam.

I let out a long sigh and turned back to my drink. "Rarity...how are you?"

Rarity smiled and tipped her chin up. "Heur, ererer-er!"

"That's good." I replied, not having a clue what she said. I turned away from her and flagged down the bartender. I did my best to discretely order a drink for Rarity, managing to get her something nice without blowing my secret.

"Eee hwu." she answered happily. She daintily sipped her drink, leaving me to get pleasantly plastered.

I spotted a duo of ponies walk past, resting on the counter next to me and talking. "Reeehphu, huuf."

Rarity swung around her seat. "Ree hurr phu, aereee!"

I stared in horror at my drink as the pony noises grew louder and more aggressive.

I could hear one of the other ponies laughing in their pony way. "Eeeeeer-eeh-heh--"

"Shut up!" I screamed, knocking my drink off the counter. "Shut up shut up shut the fuck up!"

The room grew quiet as I stared down the startled pony. "Hu-u-uf, eerh. Ree-huff." the offending ponies wandered off, leaving me to order another drink and try to relax.

Rarity twirled a curl of her mane around her hoof. "Hwuu-fuuh." she stared at me without even a hint of subtly as I slung another drink back. "Heer-uuhf...eee-eh, snoo-uf."

"Yep." I mumbled as I laid my leaned against the bar counter. I'm not sure who I yelled at, but apparently Rarity was happy, but all it meant for me was now somepony was gonna start snubbing me.

I felt something press against my side as I stared into my empty mug. I didn't bother turning, instead letting out a long sigh. Whatever I did, I probably shouldn't have done it.

Finally turning, I found Rarity with her hooves curled around my right arm. She fluttered her eyes open and spoke. "Eeer-eeer-eeerh." I didn't answer. I just went back to my drink and finished it off. "Huuur, eeeeh-eh?"

I made a few confused hand gestures before leaning back in my chair. "What?"

"Phu, er-er-eeeeer." her voice was slow, but extremely shrill. I looked around as the bar grew silent, half the ponies staring at me, and the other half pretending not to.

I shook my head and clutched my face. "That's probably the most erotic thing I've ever heard." and I have no idea what it was.

She gave me a half lidded gaze and bit her lip. "Huuu-urrr...."

I stared blankly at her and stood up. "I'm gonna...go home...."

Rarity's expression went dumb. "Huuf- errrr erhu?!"

"...Yes?" I said, unconvinced of what I meant. "Look...I'm gonna go...take a shower or something." I ran out before anypony could start whining at me. I've been hit on by ponies before, but something about hearing them in their natural voices made me extremely uncomfortable.

Today had been a strange, horribly awkward, day. Just like every other day.

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