Hello everypony. I am the Critique.

Amazing Spider-Man 2 is in theaters in the next couple of days! And… really… I wish I was more hyped…

The changes to the costume make it resemble the comicbook more. The costume’s overly bright colors make it look too cartoony.

It's going to be a complicated plot that will keep you guessing the entire movie. It's going to be a complicated plot that most viewers won't be able to follow.

It's got a lot of verity of villains. It's got way too much plot going on.

It’s going to be the best of the Spider-Man movies! It's going to be worse than Spider-Man 3.

It has a great cast including Andrew Garfield, Emma Stone, and Dane Dehaan. It has Jamie Foxx playing Electro.

As you can see there are a lot of worries and excitement going into this movie and with the trailers basically spoiling most of the movie, it’s hard to get really excited about it. But we’re not here to talk about Amazing Spider-Man 2. We are here to talk about a terrible Spider-Man movie.

No, not that piece of shit. I’m talking about the Spider-Man movie that never was. And frankly we are all glad it never was. The Spider-Man movie by James Cameron.

For those of you who don’t know, James Cameron is a Hollywood director on several good movies such as Terminator, its sequel, Aliens, that one movie with Leonardo De'crap'io.

Yeah, yeah, shut up!

So, you would think that the director of such successful films would be able to make a pretty damn good Spider-Man film, right? Actually, you would be right.

In the 90’s, (exact date is difficult to find) James Cameron wrote a script for a Spider-Man movie. However, the studio had difficulties obtaining the rights to Spider-Man, so the movie was never made. Though pieces of the script can still be found all over the internet, very few people know of its existence.

And very few people know that, if that film had been made, it actually wouldn’t have been that bad. According to just the script alone, Spider-Man still would have been his energetic self, arguably more than his Raimi counterpart. The plot was well written and it actually looked kind of interesting. However, there are a couple points that would make fans scratch their heads.

For one, this Spider-Man movie was supposed to be rated R. Yeah… A lighthearted superhero… in a rated R movie? This isn’t Deadpool! This isn’t the Punisher! It’s fucking Spider-Man!

Another couple of things that are a little bothersome are that, Peter Parker is a peeping tom. … Yeah, I don’t remember that in the comics…

Peter Parker and Mary Jane have bondage sex on top of the World Trade Center. … Wait, what?!

Peter Parker ties up Mary Jane as part of a creepy spider sex thing with her… Eww…

Also, the movie seemed to have a bit of a potty mouth, with most of the profanity coming from Spider-Man himself. Now this was done before the Ultimate Spider-Man reboot, so there is no excuse. Well, technically, that still isn’t an excuse.

And the fact that… PETER PARKER HAD BONDAGE SEX WITH MARY JANE!

What the fucking hell?!

But despite this movie never being made, it was still used as a springboard for many of the things you see in the first Raimi Spider-Man movie. Such as the organic webbing, the relationship between Mary Jane (though taking away the bondage sex was a smart move), and Flash Thompson being a generic bully (I didn’t say everything they took was a good idea).

So, if James Cameron can write a really good Spider-Man movie, where the hell did this script come from?

I’d hate to ruin James Cameron for you guys, but while he did write the rated R version of Raimi’s Spider-Man, he also wrote what I would consider to be the worst Spider-Man movie of all time. And I get on my knees every day and thank God that this piece of shit never got green lighted. This movie would have replaced Howard the Duck as Marvel’s biggest movie disaster. This would have been the Marvel equivalent of Batman & Robin.

Yeah… That bad, people. So let’s dig into The Spider-Man movie that never was by James Cameron and see just why I am grateful there is someone out there who didn’t want me to have a bad childhood.

We open our script at a local college in the lab of Doctor Otto Octavius beginning some kind of experiment. It should be noted that the role of one of my favorite Spider-Man villains of all time would be played by Arnold Schwarzenegger. … Wait what?

Wait, so they wanted Arnold Schwarzenegger to play one of the most tormented scientists in the Spider-Man universe? Look, I know that in the 90’s Schwarzenegger was a huge action movie star. I loved him in the Terminator movies, but if history is any indicator when you put Arnold Schwarzenegger in the role of a nerdy, tormented scientist, you get nothing but really bad ice related puns!

Or maybe that’s just bad directing…

Okay, chill, Critique. Let’s just judge the script.

Anyway, Octavius is focusing on his experiment when his henchman named Weiner walks in. … He has a henchman named Weiner?… Oh, god that image will never go away.

However, the experiment seems to fail as all it does it break the glass windows nearby. He’s in a school?! What made you think it was a good idea to test whatever the hell you are testing in a school?!

But Octavius doesn’t seem bothered by it, as he just dusts himself off and tries the experiment again.

OCK

Okey... dokey!

… Okey… dokey? Did Doctor Octavius just say… ‘Okey Dokey’? Well, maybe it will be like Spectacular Spider-Man where you think Octavius is a weak willed man who is easily pushed around and what you consider to be a nerd, but when he actually becomes Doctor Octopus, he will be a fucking badass.

Here’s to hope.

We then get introduced to our hero, Peter Parker, who is marching through the school when a beautiful woman should come up to him. Who is the beautiful young woman? Mary Jane? Gwen Stacy? Betty Brant? Felicia Hardy?

LIZ ALLEN is also a senior. She's beautiful and

intelligent.

Liz Allen? Huh? That’s kind of an obscure character. She never really had a relationship with Peter in the comics. Yeah, there were a couple scenes, but most of the time Peter was falling for Betty Brant. And even when Liz admitted to liking Peter, he didn’t reciprocate it. In fact, they never really got in a relationship until Spectacular Spider-Man the T.V series and that didn’t come out until almost 15 years later.

So, where did Liz Allen come from? She’s wasn’t a huge character in the Spider-Man series at the time. In fact, the only significant thing that was going on with her at the time was she was married to Harry Osborn, the Green Goblin and Peter’s best friend.

I know I’m lingering on this, but this is a very odd decision. Were they going to scrap her at the end of this and replace her with a well-known Spider-Man love interest? My god, Debra Whitman had more chemistry with Peter than Liz, and most of you have no fucking idea who she is!

Okay, I better move on. We still have a lot of script to go through.

Speaking of Harry Osborn, we see him arrive, rather out of nowhere I might add, as he asks to speak to Peter in private.

HARRY

Did the Astro-Physics Journal really

accept your paper?

Peter: I was just about to get to first base with Liz and you come up to me with a question about my physics paper?! No wonder your father thinks I’m better than you!

PETER

Yes. Look, Harry, I am busy with...

(indicates Liz standing

there)

HARRY

Yeah, you and the rest of the class.

Every one is busy with Liz.

Damn, I knew Liz was bad in the comics, but geez, I didn’t think it was this bad.

And because this wouldn’t be a terrible movie without a terribly, cliché bully, in comes Flash Thompson. And then he disappears… Well, I’m sure he’ll be pertinent in all this.

So, Harry and Peter dismiss Flash, just like the movie did, as they make their way to Octavius’s class.

Back at the lab of Doctor Octavius, we see two professors named Roz and Thorkel (nice names by the way) trying to see what Octavius is doing in his lab.

OCK

The anti-force experiment has now reached

the limit of electronic overload safety.

Therefore, Weiner, you will disconnect

the overload safety device...

Gross!

So, he starts to fiddle with his experiment with his four waldos. Wait, what?

FOUR WALDOS (three-fingered, snake-like mechanical arms)

… Was it really necessary to call these things names? Isn’t mechanical arms a good name for them already? And really? Waldos? Fucking Waldos! Are you fucking serious?! That’s seriously the best name that you could come up with?!

If you wanted to go for a good name, maybe the Harness? The Octoarms? The Metal snake things that move other things? I don’t know! But, Waldos?! Fucking…

Let’s just keep going…

Weiner goes to the door and tries to sway the professors to leave Octavius in peace.

However, the professors won’t budge and demand to see Doctor Octavius.

ROZ & THORKEL

Professor Octavius!!

Wait, he’s a professor? Professor Octavius? Well, maybe we’ll still get Dr. Octopus out of it. Maybe it’s just a cover or something.

Anyway, the professors try to talk to Octavius about his class and his students, but Octavius is too consumed by his experiment.

OCK

Thorkel you are the dummiest

administrator our university has ever had.

… The dummiest administrator? … Really? Doctor Octavius… Oh, sorry, Professor Octavius, just called someone the dummiest administrator? Who wrote this script?! A five year old?! It’s Doctor freaking Octopus! What in the world would make you think that he would come up with the kind of insult a four year old could outwit?! You are the dummiest writer who ever lived!

Ock tells the professors to examine his genius, but they tell him that he’s clearly lost it.

Meanwhile, back at Ock’s class we see that the classroom is being affected by Octavius’s experiment, with the room slightly shaking to resemble an earthquake, and that Peter is one of the first people to notice.

Ock’s experiment causes his classroom to catch fire as it knocks over some flammable material. Liz Allan, because she is the love interest in this story, gets caught behind the fire and is trapped.

Obviously, she has been taking lessons from Rarity on the subject.

Everyone, take notes.

Peter tries to get the fire extinguisher to save her, but fumbles around with it. Flash finally is able to get pass the professor, who didn’t do anything to stop Peter from risking his life, but clearly prevented Flash from risking his.

Maybe like all schools, all that matters is the football team.

Yeah, that’s right! I said it!

Flash steals away the fire extinguisher from Peter and manages to save Liz.

So, Professor Octavius arrives at his classroom, not even noticing the burning smell or the fact that several students almost died and begins class like nothing happened.

And yet, none of the students bring this up and not even the dummiest administrator, who is in the same fucking room, does anything about it!

THORKEL

Wait a minute, wait a minute... you've

got fire forms to fill out, Dr. Octavius.

Wait, so now he’s Dr. Octavius again? I’m confused.

So, Dr/Professor Octavius explains to his students that they will be studying the power of “the forces”, whatever the hell that means. And explains that he is searching for something called “the anti-force”. Something that apparently can reverse one of the fundamental forces of reality, such as gravity.

OCK is "playing" his COMPUTER like the Phantom of the

Opera at the organ.

Oh, god! How long will it take him to sing about his angel of science!

And I can’t even picture this in my mind! It would just look too fucking silly!

Ock begins his experiment again and raises a ball with the power of “the force”.

He then exposes that there are two separate worlds in reality. One that they live on and the one that is just out of reach. However, if someone were to reach that dimension it would destroy all life as we know it. But I’m sure Docfessor Octavius would never do something like…

OCK

Don't worry yourself, true inter-

dimensional penetration is still purely

theoretical, but one day... Maybe very

near... maybe in the 21st century...

You might as well have had a big sign over your head saying, “I’m Evil!”

So, after class Peter and Liz talk in the hallway about Flash when suddenly a woman shows up to them.

KIM comes by and leans seductively by her LOCKER. KIM is

a ripe one and hot-hot-hot!

You can tell where Cameron’s mind was during this portion of the story.

Also, the character’s name is Kim Nickson. Who the hell is Kim Nickson?

I’ve never seen this character in the comics! Was she made up just for the movie?! Look, I don’t mind original characters, but you have 30+ years of issues of Spider-Man! Why don’t you use characters that actually appear in the damn books?!

And apparently she has a pet salamander that she keeps in her locker… Weird. And totally pointless, as we will see later in the story.

Peter rushes off after Kim comes onto him and Harry tries his luck but gets rejected. And you wonder why Norman likes Peter more.

However, Peter is stopped by Weiner. Oh, god, the yoai fanfics are beginning to haunt me again.

Weiner tells Peter that Professor Octavius would like to see him.

Peter goes to Octavius’s lab and starts to discuss the physics paper Peter wrote. Octavius shows a lot of interest in it and wants to see it for himself. However, Peter says that he isn’t finished with the calculations yet and that he needs more time. Octavius tells him to come to his lab tonight.

OCK

Make it eight sharp... I'll be waiting

for you... Right here...

I get it. He’s an octopus… Ha, ha, ha… I’m dying of laughter…

So, Peter leaves and Professor Octavius tells Weiner to get Peter’s research paper for him. You know, it’s hard to take this seriously, when a 18 year old college kid can outthink a super genius! I know Peter Parker is supposed to be smart, but this is just stupid!

He’s smarter than Professor Octavius, the villain who was able to make his own mechanical arms. Oh, I’m sorry, Waldos! I hated those names so much, I completely forgot about them!

So, Peter rushes to the Daily Bugle. Yeah, he works for the Daily Bugle before he is Spider-Man. … Odd…

He tries to sell some pictures to the editor in chief, J. Johan Jameson, and he replies thusly…

Peter leaves the Bugle with his head hung down as Jameson won’t pay him for any of his photos. He returns to his apartment when his Aunt May appears out of his kitchen.

MAY

(comes in)

I was just so desperately bored... I

thought I'd come over and make you dinner...

Peter: Aunt May, you’re the greatest! I would sell my marriage to the devil for you!

Aunt May: Peter! Don’t even joke about that! That’ s completely and utterly stupid!

Meanwhile, back at the school’s lab, the dummiest administrator and his assistant find that someone has torn apart the lab looking for something. They decide to investigate it themselves, instead of doing something sensible like calling the police, when they discover that Professor Octavius is performing his experiment again.

Geez, that is all we’ve seen him do!

Anyway, the two professors arrive and shut down Octavius’s project. Octavius tries to let him use the machine, stating that he is close to success, but the professors aren’t having any of it and tell him to vacate the lab.

We then cut to the home of Peter Parker where his Uncle Ben is sitting in his lazy chair, drinking a beer. Apparently, Uncle Ben is an alcoholic here. Or maybe he saw the script for this and is doing what I am doing. Trying to forget we ever read it.

The three sit down for dinner, but then Peter runs off to meet with the clearly psychotic Professor.

Peter arrives at Octavius’s lab and the professor decides to show Peter what he is up to.

OCK

You are late.

(to Weiner)

Weiner, go outside and get us something

to eat. And don't steal it! Just buy it.

I'll reimburse you.

Wait, why would you say “don’t steal it!” in front of someone who could most likely call the police on you?! I think if someone had to remind someone else not to steal something, that would raise a red flag! And why would you even bring that into a conversation?! There was no reason to say that! Peter wasn’t suspecting anything!

Fortunately for the professor, this Peter Parker is an idiot and doesn’t think it suspicious at all. Professor Octavius begins his experiment to create the “anti-force” as a small spider crawls into the room.

Octavius attempts to convince Peter that, with his paper, he would be able to complete his experiment. Peter is oddly excited about this, since according to the lecture about the anti-force, it would destroy the world if it was ever utilized.

Professor Octavius gets mad at Peter, when he refuses to give him the paper stating that it isn’t finished yet, and sends his one of his Waldos to crush the lonely spider crawling on the wall.

Yeah… That makes no freaking sense. He just attacks the spider with no rhyme or reason. He then goes on a rampage, telling Peter to give him the paper.

Peter, finally taking a hint, rushes off.

Professor Octavius continues his experiment without the other half of the formula (and yes it is as stupid as it sounds) when the spider gets caught in the blast. The spider then lands on the Professor’s hand and bites him.

So, that’s how Superior Spider-Man got made. … Hindsight’s a bitch…

So, yeah. Professor Octavius gets bitten by a super charged spider. I don’t remember that happening in the comics, but hey, I’ve only been a Spider-Man fan all my life reading most of his comics and history for years and years. What the fuck do I know?

OCK

(ecstasy above the din)

It's an energy storm! Okey! Dokey!

Okay, this is the sixth time you’ve said this line! What is with that line?! It makes no sense!

So, Weiner finally arrives after an explosion happens in the lab. He finds Octavius, who somehow survived, and makes a run for it when the police approach.

The dummiest administrator tries to assure the police and everyone else that they are safe, when Jameson arrives and demands to know the truth. Doesn’t that seem like something a reporter should do and not the editor in chief? I know Jameson does sometimes like to be on the forefront of his own newspaper, but I have a really hard time with this.

So Jameson ends up finding Peter in the crowd and bribes him a hundred dollars to go into a highly contaminated area that most likely contains radiation.

And like an idiot, Peter agrees.

Peter: Sweet! I just made myself a hundred bucks! Screw radiation poisoning and cancer, I’ll be able to pay my rent this month!

Peter sneaks into the school and notices the police, in hazmat suits, taking away Octavius. He then runs into the mysterious glowing spider that bit Octavius and gets bitten himself.

The bite makes Peter dizzy as he makes his way back outside, no doubt being dosed in radiation and could possibly contaminate everything he touches, but hey, what do I know about science?

Peter passes out and when he wakes up, finds himself perched on the side of a building like a spider. And according to the script, Peter takes this pretty well, just calling it weird.

No, Peter, weird is when you and that mare you really like show up at same Chinese restaurant. This is like finding out that she is an alien threating to consume your brain to take over the world. … Not that… I would know…

So, Peter decides to test out his new powers, doing all the flips and kicks that you would expect from Spider-Man.

As Peter does his stunts to test out his powers, he is seen and eventually approached by a named Max Reiss.

PETER

(reading card)

Max Reiss, models, strip dancers, escort

girls, blue movies...

Okay, that’s pretty messed up.

Actually, Max actually wants Peter as a performer with his new found abilities and eventually sways him into investing his money on his new manager.

Yes, Peter, invest with the guy who is into strip dancers and blue movies. I’m sure this won’t backfire in anyway.

So, Peter calls up his Aunt May and tries to explain what happened at the lab, but Aunt May isn’t listening and insists that he come home. I’m so glad this expanded upon the character so much, otherwise this might have been pointless… Oh, wait! It was!

We cut to Octavius who is recovering from surgery and it is revealed that his waldos have been fused to his body. The dummiest administrator comes to visit him and tells him that they are permanently shutting down his work.

Octavius takes this about as well as you’d expect…

Octavius says that he found the other world he was talking about while he was unconscious and says that he could find that world again if he continues his experiment. He then kills off the dummiest administrator and put him in his place to fool the medical staff of his escape.

Yes, because I’m sure they won’t notice that the man on the bed IS MISSING HIS WALDOS! … Oh, dear lord that sounds wrong!

OCK

Okey, dokey.

STOP SAYING THAT!

I hate you…

So, Peter goes to meet with Reiss and Reiss takes him to a wrestling arena, where he expects Peter to challenge heavy weight wrestlers. However, because of Peter’s spider powers he should be able to win easily.

Reiss gives him his Spider-Man suit and tells him to wear it for the match and so Peter dawns his Spider-Man costume and goes to face off against Crusher Cole. (It’s supposed to be Crusher Hogan, but considering that you even kept Crusher is a shock to me.)

RING ANNOUNCER

And now, a new challenger, for the

thousand dollar fight, weighing in at one

hundred and fifty pounds... from parts

unknown! Here is the Amazing...

Mysterious... Incredible Superman...

No, no. I read about him last week and so I’m not doing any more Superman jokes.

So Crusher attacks the newly named Spider-Man, but he proves to be too fast for Crusher to catch. Spider-Man wears him down and then knocks him out with his spider strength.

After the match, Spider-Man and his manager are approached by Crusher.

CRUSHER

Hi, who are you, kid?

PETER

I'm Peter Parker.

REISS

He is Spider-Man, and I handle him...

Whenever you want a rematch call me.

Next time it's gonna be ten thousand,

what do you say... Crusher?

I’m going to put this into the rant later pile. Oh, don’t worry. It’ll be worth it.

So, Liz, Kim, Peter and Harry meet the next day to discuss the appearance of Spider-Man as they go to visit Doctor Professor Whatever title he wants to have Octavius in the hospital.

However, when they arrive they find out that he has vanished.

No shit, because that couldn’t be made clear by the sudden disappearance of his mechanical arms that are fused to his body!

We cut to Octavius who returns to the ruins of his lab, obviously there are no police or medical forces making sure there isn’t anyone who enters the contaminated area…

His henchmen, Weiner, comes back and is relieved to see the Professor is still alive. Weiner explains about what he saw at the wrestling arena and the introduction of Spider-Man.

Octavius’s asks Weiner if he could defeat Crusher. … Wait what? Why does he care about wrestling? Why does he even care about what Weiner said about wrestling? Wasn’t he just ranting about his goal to destroy the world or some crap like that?!

He tells his henchmen to go after Peter and to steal his data from him.

OCK

What a wreck. What a useless, wasted

wreck. Okey, dokey. We rebuild you, my

damaged darling. Bigger, better, hotter!

A world class, super cyclotron!

Okay, one… Bigger and better I can understand but… hotter? What does he have a machine fetish?!

Two… Stop saying “Okey, dokey!”

So, Weiner goes to collect Peter Parker’s data from his apartment, but Spider-Man is there to stop him by tossing him off a three story building into some bushes. I very much doubt that those bushes would stop Weiner from going splat on the sidewalk… Oh, dear lord I just said that…

Meanwhile, Doctor Octavius robs an armored car.

Suddenly a WALDO smashes through the DRIVER'S SIDE WINDOW

of the ARMORED TRUCK, wrapping around the DRIVER'S NECK

and pulling him through the WINDOW.

I think all that Cameron really wanted to do with this story was write a lot of dick innuendos! Seriously, I’ve read clop fiction that is more appropriate than this!

We then cut to the Daily Bugle where Peter is just learning about the robbery of the armored truck.

We cut back to Doctor Octavius at his hideout, where Weiner slithers in from the shadows. He explains that the school is having a masquerade party and that Weiner planed on going.

Wait what? That comes out of left field! Why the hell are we concerning ourselves with a masquerade party!? Oh and as we later see, this masquerade party is pretty fucking pointless!

Octavius tells Weiner that he isn’t going and instead he is going to focus on getting Peter’s data from him.

We cut to the masquerade party where Peter, Harry and Liz get into a conversation with Roz, the new dummiest administrator. They ask about what he knows about Octavius, but he say he doesn’t know anything beyond what was seen in the newspaper.

Suddenly, Flash Thompson arrives wearing a Spider-Man outfit and goes to make his move on Liz.

This is as close to the source material as this story gets, everyone. It only goes downhill from here.

During the party, Flash is reading the recent newspaper on Spider-Man and everyone around him claims how cool it would be to have Spider-Man show up. Peter overhears this and decides to impress everyone by having the real Spider-Man join the party.

He dawns his suit and arrives at the party with everyone flocking to him, especially Liz Allen, who is now in love with him.

We cut to the home of Uncle Ben and Aunt May where Ben is ranting about rock and roll music.

I wonder if he and Batman ever team up to take on the evils of rock and roll music. … I’m not kidding.

So, Aunt May urges Ben not to worry about it and to turn in for the night.

Meanwhile, Peter is rushing home because of a tingling sensation that something bad is going to happen to Uncle Ben and Aunt May.

His Spider-Sense does not work that way! It can’t sense when someone else is in danger! Especially, if they are clear across town!

We cut to the Parker house, where a noise is heard coming from downstairs. Ben Parker goes down to investigate. It turns out that Wiener broke into the Parker house continuing to look for Peter’s formula. During a scuffle between Weiner and Ben… Oh, Jesus Christ… Ben is shot just in time for Peter to see the killer.

Peter tries to save his uncle as Weiner runs away.

The police and the paramedics arrive, but they are too late to save Uncle Ben. Peter, enraged by his uncle’s death, chases after Weiner as Spider-Man.

He traps him in a warehouse and confronts him. The police surround the warehouse demanding the two give themselves up. Meanwhile, they start to fight, causing the warehouse to catch on fire.

Spider-Man finally manages to catch Weiner and leaves him for the police.

You just completely undermined the entire origin story of Spider-Man! Yes, Weiner and he had one interaction, but Weiner was not doing anything illegal. And he didn’t do anything illegal until he actually broke into Ben Parker’s home. He never actually broke the law until that night when Uncle Ben died!

In the original story, a criminal, who Spider-Man spots, runs past him and Spider-Man doesn’t lift a finger to stop him and he escapes the police! Then the criminal shows up at his home killing his Uncle Ben!

It was Peter’s selfishness and pride that cost him his Uncle Ben! And that is the special element of why Spider-Man fights crime! Because he blames himself for what happened to his Uncle Ben! Because he failed to use his powers to help people and because he failed to be a selfless person, he now spends his life trying to fix the mistake he made!

This has no special connection to it! Peter doesn’t connect with this death at all! Yeah, he’s still pissed off about Weiner killing his Uncle Ben, but that doesn’t have the special connection that causes Peter to feel guilt about how he could have done more, which pushes him into become a superhero in the first place!

Anyway, we cut back to Octavius’s lab where he is putting the finishing touches on his machine. Damn, this guy works quick! What has it been? One day since he purchased the parts for his experiment?! And what about the freaking shipping to the lab he is working from?! Did he just roll up a monster shopping cart or something?!

However, he realizes that he still needs Peter’s physics paper and goes off to confront Peter about it.

I'll be back... my babies... my new

babies!

We cut back to Peter’s apartment as he continues his work on his physics paper. Apparently, Uncle Ben meant as much to him as he did the movie, because there is no mention of him ever again.

I know it’s a change from where he is whining about Uncle Ben’s death every other scene, but come on! There is not even time to mourn him! He’s dead, next scene! What a freaking joke!

Anyway, Liz knocks on his door to pick up her computer he was using and Peter goes downstairs to get her a cab.

Professor Octavius then attacks Liz in the apartment. He proclaims himself as Spider-Man and… wait, what?!

Professor Octavius just called himself Spider-Man?! We already have one character named that! Why are we naming him Spider-Man too?! And while we are on the subject, why the hell doesn’t Professor Octavius have superpowers like Peter?!

He was bitten by the same damn spider that was dosed with the same damn radiation! I know I should be happy since this is closer to the original comic since in the original comic Octopus has no superpowers, but it makes no damn sense! How the hell should Peter develop superpowers when the same thing happened to Octavius and yet he didn’t develop superpowers! Explain to me how that works!

Octavius tries to get Liz to tell him where Peter is, but Liz says she doesn’t know.

OCK

(running his Waldo in her hair)

You wouldn't lie to your Professor now,

would you?

Dear lord, this is porno fan fiction! That’s all this is people! Think about it! Penis innuendos every single scene, vain attempts at humor, a poor catchphrase for a character, plot points that are introduced and forgotten, and the disrespect of the source material!

This is crap fiction!

LIZ

What are you doing... let me go! Please...

take those things out of my hair!

That is not helping your argument against it!

Octavius starts to make a pass at Liz, (ewww) and Liz takes this opportunity to stick his … Nope, I’m not even going to finish the sentence. I’m not playing this game anymore. I’m not.

She gets away from him and rushes to the street to try and find Peter. Peter rushes up to the apartment, apparently the two missing each other and puts on his Spider-Man outfit.

Liz is trying to escape Octavius when he finally catches up to her, saying he will use her as bait for Peter Parker.

However, Spider-Man finally arrives to confront Octavius and we get our first superhero/super villain battle.

OCK

(holding Liz)

Who the hell are you?

SPIDER-MAN

Spider-Man.

LIZ

(seeing Spidey)

Spider-Man...

OCK

That's a lot of crap, clown... I am

Spider-Man, not you.

(points to Liz)

Ask you girlfriend.

(to Liz)

Tell him!

No, you are not Spider-Man! Shut up!

OCK

(screams)

Hey... you jerk... you phony Spider-Man...

Prepare to meet your death, bug.

Wow, your boundless imagination for quips and insults just leap off the page, Ock. … You are so clever. Between jerk and the dummiest administrator, no one could combat your wisecracks. What's the next brilliant insult you are going to come up with? Doo-doo head?

SPIDER-MAN

Over here, Octopus!

OCK

That's Professor Octopus to you Spider

Jerk!

Okay, if this is the dialogue you’ve come up with for clever banter for Spider-Man and Octavius, then I’m glad that the Raimi films had little to no quips in them! That’s right, I would rather take one joke per movie that was actually almost funny, rather than this dialogue (if you can even call it that!)

Two, YOU JUST SAID YOUR NAME WAS SPIDER-MAN, OCTAVIUS! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT ME TO CALL YOU?! YOU GET UPSET WHEN WE  DON’T CALL YOU SPIDER-MAN! AND THEN YOU TELL US YOU WANT US TO CALL YOU PROFESSOR OCTOPUS!

Three, PROFESSOR OCTOPUS?! REALLY?!

They fight for a while, but Professor Octopus runs away as the police come. Spider-Man then picks up Liz Allen and takes her to the Empire State Building… What? Why? You just saved her from a psychopath yeah, but that’s no reason to kidnap her.

Anyway, he takes her home, with Liz not even question how Spider-Man could know where she lives. Maybe she just likes to think of his as a peeping Tom.

Spider-Man tries to tell Liz who he really is, but can’t seem to bring it up and takes Liz back to Flash.

Flash has a fanboy reaction when he sees Spider-Man (frankly so would I) and shows Spider-Man the Bugle’s recent paper saying that Spider-Man is a criminal. Flash, of course, doesn’t believe it and says he supports Spidey 100%. While this is nice to see Flash Thompson actually being close to his comic counterpart, there is one thing about this scene that totally ruins it for me.

The Daily Bugle is hunting down Spider-Man as a criminal. So, what about his wrestling manager? The wrestling manager knows who Spider-Man really is! He has seen his face! He knows what he can do! He has information that could lead to catching a criminal! If he saw the newspaper, why doesn’t he go to the police telling them what he knows?!

And I know that some of you are saying, “Maybe he doesn’t want to get caught for the illegal stuff he does.” Then why doesn’t he just give an anonymous tip about it?! We never actually see Peter leave the wrestling business and we never see Reiss again!

We can only assume that he broke off with him after the death of his uncle. And I very much doubt that Reiss would just let it slide, especially after reading that Spider-Man is a wanted criminal!

What about freaking Crusher?! He knows the identity of Spider-Man as well. And as nice a guy as he seemed, he probably doesn’t want to let a criminal out in the open! Especially if they have the power set that Spider-Man has!

This is completely stupid! It makes no sense! And it makes the wrestling even completely pointless, since it has nothing to do with his origin!

Okay, rant over. Told you I was saving it.

Anyway, Peter gets back to his apartment and finds that the physics paper that he had hidden has been stolen by Octavius.

PETER pulls a file marked "Planetary Conjunction."

He opens it.

A piece of PAPER falls out. It says, "Kiss it goodbye,

Wall Crawler!"

Wait a minute! Are you suggesting that Professor Octopus knows that Peter is Spider-Man?! If not, why the hell would he write that?! Why would he think the connection between Spider-Man and Peter Parker?! He knows they’re friends, not the same damn person!

If so, why the hell doesn’t he go to the police with this or give an anonymous tip to the Daily Bugle about Spider-Man’s secret identity?! Or threaten to tell the world his identity if he interferes?!

Oh, my god, I’m not even close to the end yet! And believe me, it only get stupider from here. So, here’s a picture of a cute kitten while I get something to drown my sorrows in.

Okay, now that I’ve got my drink… Let’s continue…

We cut to Professor Octopus in his lab implementing the information that Peter Parker wrote. He sees that with the new data, his dream of seeing the otherworld will be a reality, thus destroying the world as we know it. So he sets his timer for 13 hours.

Wait, what? Why 13 hours? Why not just do it now? I’m assuming that the machine doesn’t have the power to perform it, but that isn’t made very clear.

Oh, well. At least, this adds a ticking clock element to the story. Now, Spider-Man only has a few hours to stop Prof Ock (Seriously say that out loud and tell me it isn’t stupid) and save the day. This should prove interesting.

Meanwhile, Peter meets with Harry and discusses with him what happened.

HARRY

I went to the wrestling, wanted to see

that Amazing Spider-Man, but he didn't

show up.

Again, why the hell doesn’t the manager just call the Daily Bugle and expose Spider-Man’s secret-! … Fuck it, let’s just get through this!

So, Peter asks Harry to hack into Dr/Professor/Spiderpus OctoMan’s computer to find out what he’s up to. Even though Peter should already know, since well, he was told his plan when he first confronted him!

Also, Harry is a hacker in this world apparently. Even though, in none of the comics I’ve read has Harry shown any prowess in such areas.

Peter and Harry see the countdown to doomsday is in 6 hours. Oh, wow. Now, Peter’s really got to start moving his ass if he’s going to take down Octopus before the end of the world.

It turns out the Octopus’s experiment is wreaking havoc on the whole town, causing power surges that cause fires and electrical damage.

A train crashes and Spider-Man arrives to try and help the people trapped inside.

During the rescue effort, he meets up with Roz, the dummiest administrator’s assistant. Roz tells Spidey that Octopus is behind the destruction the city is going through and that it’s only going to get worse.

Roz explains that Octopus it going for plutonium to power his machine. Wait, what? Why does he need plutonium if his machine is already operational?! And if his plan was to get plutonium to power his machine, why the hell did he need a countdown timer?

Whatever, let’s just move on!

Spider-Man rescues the civilians trapped on the train, but he is quickly becoming tired as he swings off to find Octopus.

Meanwhile, Liz and Aunt May are getting to know one another as May asks if Liz is Peter’s girlfriend. Liz says that they aren’t an item because Peter is too focused on his studies. That or the universe is trying to correct the consistency with the comics.

We cut back to Spidey finding Ock and confronting him. The police arrive and try to arrest them…

FEMALE COP

(gun poised)

Alright! Freeze! Up against the wall

and spread 'em

OCK complies. He raises his hands... and spreads the

WALDOS to full extension!

Anyway… Octopus escapes the cops and Spider-Man chases after him. However, Spider-Man’s webbing is quickly losing Octopus’s red Vette… Yeah, yeah it’s stupid. So he hitches a ride with Flash Thompson and Liz and tells Flash to step on it, chasing after Octopus

Yes, Peter, involve two innocent civilians who have no superpowers, no skills or any abilities that will come in handy to take down a psychotic murder!

Ugh… Anyway, they have a car chase scene, which would be cool if Spider-Man was swinging through the air to chase after it, but instead he’s riding in the back seat with Flash Thompson driving.

They chase Ock to New Jersey and Liz asks why he would go there.

SPIDER-MAN

New Jersey has the largest toxic waste

dump in the world.

I would like to extend my apologies to anyone who lives in New Jersey who happens to be reading this.

So, they finally hit a traffic jam and Spider-Man leaps out of the car to follow Ock.

Ock finds the sight where the plutonium is store, not even bothering with a hazard suit or anything that would protect him from radiation.

Spider-Man finds him and confronts him.

SPIDER-MAN

Open that now, and you'll spoil Christmas.

Or you know? Die from radiation poisoning…

Spidey and Ock fight for a while with the two trying to gain control of the plutonium.

OCK

Insect! I am going to squash you to

death... Once I lay my Waldos on your

skinny bones...

Yeah… I’m going to need something stronger … Here’s some kittens while you wait…

Okay… I think I’m good now…

Professor Octopus manages to get an advantage in the fight as he knocks Spider-Man around and tosses him into a well of chemicals.

However, Spider-Man manages to catch himself at the last second and springs out to face Octavius again.

However, Spider-Man is once again helpless against Ock. So, Liz and Flash arrive to try to help, only to be captured by Octopus themselves.

But then Roz shows up and tries to talk Ock down. How the hell did he get there so freaking fast?! Last I checked, he was in a train that crashed as a result of Octopus’s experiment! I don’t think he’d be allowed to leave on his own without seeing a medical doctor!

OCK

But, they won't help me. Everybody is

trying to destroy my experiment. And so

are you, Rosomorf.

Roz agrees to help Octopus with his experiment if he releases Liz and Flash. However, Octopus decides to keep Liz as a hostage to makes sure he cooperates. He orders them to get the drums of plutonium into his truck.

While working, Roz manages to find Spider-Man and tells him to stop Octopus at any cost. And Octopus is, of course, too stupid to keep an eye on Roz!

Spider-Man gets an idea and goes to a payphone to call Harry… Wait, what?

Harry tells him that Octopus has already punched in Peter’s data and that it’s only a matter of time before Octopus destroys the world.

59 minutes to be exact. Is it sad that I am rooting for Octopus to succeed if only to make sure this story is erased from existence?!

Anyway, Spider-Man rushes over to Octopus’s lab, where he finds that Liz and Flash have been taken as hostages.

Fortunately, Harry and Kim (yes, apparently she is still in this movie, even though she has served no purpose to it) arrive and they save Liz and Flash. They go to stop Octopus from destroy the world.

I thought this was supposed to be a Spider-Man story! Why isn’t Spider-Man doing anything?!

Spider-Man and Roz finally come upon the University and see the Octopus has already started the procedure to doomsday.

Spider-Man and Roz make their way to the lab and try to convince Octopus to shut it down. Octopus, who is coo-coo for Co-co puffs, refuses, saying that it is his destiny to destroy the world and see what the other world is like.

OCK

My energy storm has

started. My Anti-Force is on! History

is being made... Spider-Man, Rosomorf

cheer up friends... we're on our way to

the unknown cosmos... we three are about

to visit heaven... real Gods heaven.

Real God’s Heaven? … What the fucking hell on a sandwich does that even mean?! There’s no explanation as to what that is even supposed to mean?! Is there another heaven outside the one people who die normally go to? Does he consider heaven hell and that this heaven is actually the real heaven?! What the hell does it mean?!

Liz, being an idiot, rushes into the building to try and find Peter, who she knows is in there. Even though, there is no evidence of that, but we’ll come back to that.

And through the power of the anti-force the university starts to fly into space.

Spider-Man and Ock battle again, Spider-Man trying to shut down Octopus’s device. Roz manages to cut of Octopus’s Waldo with a fire axe and Octopus screams at him.

OCK

You were my teacher! And you want to

destroy my experiment. You are a

scientist for heaven sake... don't you

want to know what's up there?

And then Ock kills him.

Wow, Spidey’s track record of saving people isn’t all that spectacular.

Spider-Man and Octopus battle each other, when Liz Allen happens to walk in. Spider-Man gets distracted and starts to get pummeled by Octopus.

Spider-Man recovers as Liz arrives next to him and Spider-Man tells her that they need to stop the machine. They started to unplug it hoping that it will shut it down, but it proves too late.

However, as the portal opens it is revealed that what Spider-Man and Liz did make the portal smaller, only allowing a single person to travel through it. Don’t ask, the story’s almost over.

Liz tries to stop him, but Octopus is determined to go, even if he has to die for it.

OCK

Okey... dokey... Now that's what I call

an experiment!!!

STOP SAYING OKEY DOKEY!

So, with the destruction of the machine, the university begins to fall out of the sky with Spider-Man and Liz trying to escape it. Even though, Spider-Man could just leap out of one of the windows and shoot a web line, but whatever.

After a long and rather pointless escape scene, Liz passes out.

And our story ends with Liz waking up in Peter’s arms and them proclaiming their love for one another. Yes, because Liz couldn’t be wrong about Peter actually being at the damn school when it made no sense for him to be there!

I think you all know what how I feel about this story…

But first… I need a drink, here’s something cute, while I get a refill…

Okay… I’m good now…

Can you see why this never got made?

It is unreal how bad this thing is. For someone who two years before directed Terminator 2, this is a pretty bad step down. I know as an artist you have bad projects, but… this! This is a flipping joke!

The characters are bland, with the exception of Flash Thompson. Yes, Flash Thompson was better than Spider-Man in a Spider-Man movie! And for that matter, Spider-Man never really did anything! He didn’t actually defeated Octopus! He didn’t fight any crimes, he hardly saved anyone, and he hardly had anything to do with the plot!

Octopus only went after him to get a research paper from Peter! Spider-Man stories should not work that way! You go after Peter Parker, endangering the people close to him so you can get to Spider-Man!

The dick innuendos are everywhere in this script and I guarantee you jokes would be made about this movie by everyone who saw it! The dialogue is just unnatural and strange! Octopus is a fucking joke and many plot points that came up we never saw again!

Is the Daily Bugle still hunting Spider-Man?! What about the wrestling guy?! What happened with that?!

Many characters that appear are never mentioned again. Like Kim? Yeah, what the fuck was her point in all this! Oh, yeah, she’s hot-hot-hot! Fuck that shit!

Or Uncle Ben?! One of the most essential parts of Spider-Man’s origin! Yeah, he was great wasn’t he? In all of the two scenes he was in and not one of them was he interacting with Peter, trying to be a father to him!

And even after his death, he’s never mentioned again or even shown how he affected May and Peter’s life. Yeah, he’s never brought up again!

The changes to the comic were unnecessary! Peter being in college when he gets his powers?! Doctor Octopus being a Professor?! Professor Octopus gets bitten by a radioactive spider?! Are you fucking kidding me?!

This movie is dog shit and I am so glad that this got canned! It’s stupid, it makes no sense, it has no place in Spider-Man’s history other than to be forgotten!

It makes Spider-Man 3 look good by comparison!

Not that good.

I guess if we were to take anything from this, it’s this, “Great artist have bad days.” And that is something we should all take, but this is pushing it for a bad day!

Have a great day, guys! If you’ll excuse me, I’m off to the midnight showing of Amazing Spider-Man 2!