I can’t believe Sequel September is already here!

I cannot believe you held that for a whole week.

Can we just skip over this month? Just pretend I did it and just never mention it.

I would highly recommend against that. Ponies are already expecting it.

You guys are really going to make me do this, aren’t you?

Ugh… Fine…

Hello, everypony. Welcome to Sequel September. For those of you new to this, Sequel September is where I take a look at sequels to stories that I didn’t even like in the first place, hoping that in the pile of shit that was the last one, there is a diamond just waiting to get out. Sadly, no diamonds this month. However, we do get to visit some fics that I hated before and we get to revisit the reasons why I hated them.

And we’re starting off this month with The Uprising: A Sequel

Yes, The Uprising got a fucking sequel. Because, apparently it needed it. For those of you who don’t remember that story, allow me to fill you in.

The Uprising is about a young stallion, who is no doubt a homegrown terrorist in Equestria, who believes that Celestia is evil because of a website he found online about it. Yes, the internet apparently is a thing in this Equestria. And what evidence does he have to back up this claim?

Well, he uses the argument that Nightmare Moon could have been handled another way. ‘What way,’ you might be asking? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! The story never answers. It just says that Nightmare Moon could have been handled in a way other then sending her to the moon in the hopes of getting better so that the demonic forces that possessed her causing her to hate to be weakened enough to be banished. The answer this whole time probably was that Nightmare Moon needed to be put in timeout.

Another point the story attempts to make that Celestia is evil and has always been evil is with Discord being turned to stone, pointlessly. Yes, how dare Celestia and Luna use the Elements of Harmony to turn Discord to stone so he couldn’t harm any of the subjects they are responsible for protecting and making sure they are safe! How fucking dare they! They have no right to protect the ponies… they are supposed to … protect… wait…

Yeah, the reasons for hating Celestia in this are rather bullshit. The only thing that even remotely made Celestia a villain was when she imprisoned Rainbow Dash for raising the sun with her Sonic Rainboom. I think that idiotic sentence speaks for itself.

Anyway, Eliot as he is called makes a YouTube video and gets all of Equestria on his side with a 5 second video claiming how he’s better than Celestia and you should totally vote for him. Not realizing that absolute monarchies don’t vote for their leaders. Celestia’s in charge. Shut up and deal with it.

But yeah, he causes ponies to rebel against Celestia, even though most ponies have little to no reason to rise against her, but hey, if Celestia can lock up Rainbow Dash for the dumbest of dumb reasons, anything is possible.

Eliot is killed during the attack, but is just used as a martyr for the uprising. The ponies overthrow Celestia and start a new government, where the stable country that Celestia has built for more than 1000 years crumbles to the ground within a couple of years, because of some idiot with a webcam.

Okay, I made up that last part, but that’s what should happen in this story. Will it? Quick answer: No. The longer answer…

When Eliot Shine mysteriously rises from the dead. He begins to look for answers regarding his return. Meanwhile, his friend leaves to take the Cloudsdale Flight exam, and his Marefriend finds another. How will Eliot cope with this new life he's awoken.

So, not only is Eliot a martyr, but he is also Jesus. I haven’t even started this guys. This is just the description before you even read the story. I’m not excited for this one. I really am not.

Also, I’m glad the friend and the marefriend from the last story will finally get some development. I’m glad the author knows what the fuck Chekhov's gun is, but you think you could have put that gun in the SAME FUCKING STORY THEY WERE FUCKING INTRODUCED IN!

You realized we haven’t even started this thing yet. And I’m already using caps… This is going to hurt… a lot…

Here Lies Eliot Shine An Inspiration, A Hero ,A Friend.

A terrorist who put Equestria into ruin by overthrowing the only ruling body without actually knowing anything about politics. No plan to actually solve any of the problems surrounding the current government. No financial plans, no way of solving political treaties that Equestria has made under Celestia’s rule, no way of upholding the law since you’ve imprisoned/killed all the guards whose only crime was that they were loyal to Celestia.

You can start to see how much I hate this story. We are only on the first sentence and already I want to shove my head down a toilet to see something better.

Apparently, this story takes place three weeks after the events of the first Uprising. Equestria is still standing thanks to the author holding it up by the power of not giving a shit. You know, for a story that’s supposed to be a political jab, it sure doesn’t know shit about politics. I’m not exactly an expert myself, but then again, I’m not writing the political satire story.

Admittedly, we do get some decent descriptions about Eliot’s gravesite, but then I have to take away that slight praise due to the god awful grammar and spelling.

It had been three weeks since Shine had been buried. Friends and Family constantly visited his gravesite to mourn their lost Colt. But tonight held no visitors. It was quiet. The dew on the grass shimmered in the pale moonlight. The only sounds that could be heard where the gentle gusts of warm summer wind, and the pitter patter of rain against the tombstones and ground.

Oh, so Family and Friends came to visit them. I like Family and Friends. Those guys are two of my bestest friends in the entire world. But that Colt guy? Fuck him, he’s shit!

Also, I think the only sounds that could be heard WERE the gentle groans of the audience.

We then cut to our next scene with the poor scene changes that I expect from this story with no indication that we’ve switched scenes to see…

It was a beautiful day, just as always. Eliot flew through the everlasting sky, feeling the wind flow through his mane, and across his face. Shine had woken up in this supposed Paradise more than three weeks ago. He had spent his time soaring through the skies, the sun shone bright. But it couldn't hurt Shine's hazel eyes. It was the perfect place. But this was not Equestria. He found himself a big puffy cloud to rest on. Shine landed with a soft thud, and found an upward hill to lie down on.

So, as you have guessed, Eliot is in Pony Heaven. I guess bringing ruin to a country and pointlessly causing the deaths of thousands is a good thing in the eyes of Lauren Faust. There we meet another pointless character who receives little to no development time because he’s not named ‘Eliot Shine’, Charplet. Charplet is a changeling.

Well, that’s enough of her. Let’s go back to Eliot. He starts to miss Equestria even though he is in fucking paradise and time and space shouldn’t matter, but whatever, I’m willing to buy this as long as nothing stupider comes along. It turns out Pony Heaven is rather bare with very few ponies actually going.

Wow, this story just wants us to love this Eliot Shine, doesn’t it? After the hate the first one got, this story must have just written everything under the sun to get us to like the character. Except for a likable personality.

So, Eliot and Charplet continue to search for more ponies to find in Pony Heaven. However, before they can get very far, Charplet commits one of the seven deadly sins. Unfortunately, it’s not the one that drives a battle axe through Eliot’s stupid face, like I would have liked to have seen. It’s lust.

"You wan't to have some... Fun?" Charplet asked nervously.

Apparently, Lauren Faust is very lax about some of the ways you get into Pony Heaven and yet only two ponies are in Pony Heaven. This story could use a Monty Python God.

And, like the likable protagonist that we all know he is, he explains why in Pony Heaven, there is no need for sexual pleasure. Because they have transcended the needs of normal ponies to find eternal bliss in…

I’m just kidding. He fucks her brains out.

Yes, this character who we are introducing in this story, is the ultimate sexual fantasy character. As a changeling, she can apparently grow whatever body part she needs to fulfill the author’s sexual desire. What, that’s how it would go with the logic of that ‘Incredibly long titled story that’s always a bitch to bring up in conversation because of how lengthy the title is’.

I’ve really got to stop referencing that story.

"It is if we are together the whole time!" Charplet was getting desperate. "I can use my abilities to fufill any sexual fantasies of yours."

My sexual fantasy is for you to turn into a proofreader. THIS STORY COULD FUCKING USE ONE!

And we get one of the many lines that our characters spout out during intercourse.

"Umm." Was all he was able to get out.

It’s clear he has no idea what he’s doing. That thing between your legs goes into that shredder in the kitchen sink.

So, after a few minutes of the two getting hot, believe me it’s nowhere near as exciting as it sounds, it turns out that Eliot is coming back from the dead and can’t have weird Changeling sex with Sex Toy. We then get a rushed backstory of Sex Toy for some fucking reason. I guess the story felt it needed closure there.

*COCKBLOCK*

And we are all praising God that we did.

Thank god that character wasn’t the least bit insulting to every decent female character ever written, otherwise the story creating a female character just for the purpose of having sex with the main character would have been really, really stupid.

Eliot wakes up in his coffin several feet underground. And it’s at this point that I can enjoy the story. God resurrected Eliot, just so he could kill Eliot in a slow and painful way that would scar him for all eternity. Great idea, God.

Unfortunately, before Eliot can suffocate, he manages to slip his wings through the door to the coffin and unlock it. Okay, what?

Eliot flipped over onto his hooves, not being able to stand. He flared the feathers of his wings, and managed to squeeze one between the slit between the lid of the coffin. With all of Shine's might, the coffin lock cracked off!

Shine then pushed the lid open, having great difficulty. When it opened half way, he scrapped the soggy, bu infested soil into the coffin with him. Making sure to leave an air pocket. Eliot began to dig upwards towards the surface. He was beaming with confidence!

Okay, how the hell was he able to slip his wings through the slit when a thousand pounds of dirt is sitting right on top of him?! There is no way he could have fucking slipped his wings through the crack enough to move around freely?! What, did Celestia put a forcefield around the fucking coffin, in case he mysteriously came back to life?!

As you can imagine, Eliot harnesses the power of ‘Fuck you, I’m the main fucking character, bitch’ to escape being buried alive.

He makes his way to the surface where he stays in the Everfree Forest until he figures out why he’s suddenly Jesus.

The sun slowly started to rise over the horizon.

"Beautiful sunrise as always, Celestia." Eliot whispered to himself, slightly forgeting about what happened between Celestia and him.

This is the part of the story where we are supposed to make Eliot the good guy. Did you guys catch that? I hope so. Because this totally justifies him destroying a country and overthrowing a benevolent ruler.

… Seriously, you’re a stupid fucking character, Eliot.

After spending the night in the forest, he heads into town where he decided to meet with throwaway background characters like Pipsqueak and Berry Punch before moving on to the only characters that matter. The main six.

Oh, come on. I pick on them all the time! I’m cutting them a break!

After meeting some more characters, Eliot decides to head home and explain to his parents why he was an idiot so they can ground him from his computer privileges. Of course there is the little detail of how only a night ago, YOU WERE FUCKING DEAD.

The parents take it about as well as you’d expect…

When Eliot had arrived home, he had knocked on the door, instead of just walking in, like he normally did. He was greeted at first by his mother, her yellow coat, and purple mane, all to familiar. But when she truly seen who it was. She became light headed, and dropped onto the cold wooden floor. Eliot tried to wake her, she was out like a light!

Well, it is the most realistic reaction to the character so far. I like this mom character.

Mom, since she never gets a name, doesn’t believe that her son is actually alive and believes that it’s a changeling that is lonely or something. However, Eliot is able to convince her with this…

"If I was a Changeling. I would not know this: The final words I said to you where 'I'll see you at lunch. Love you.' Convinced?"

No, I certainly am not convinced. I read the previous story and you don’t even have a conversation with your mother, let alone say any of the lines in that last sentence. Your mother doesn’t even make an appearance in the last fucking story!

And why the hell would she remember what the last words you said where?!

So, Eliot asks how long it’s been since he was killed and mom gives us the information that the timeline in this is as fucked as Frank Miller’s.

"Four and a half weeks. But when did you... Wake up?" She opened more answers to Eliot.

Even though one of the first sentences of the story said that only three weeks had past. Even in the Pony Heaven portion, he mentioned having been there three weeks. Now, you might be saying. ‘Hey, maybe he spent more time in the forest than we thought…’

"Last night. Why?" Shine replied.

And just to fuck with the timeline some more, this morning he meets with his mother to tell her he’s back from the dead. He leaves her house after a brief conversation-

"There's no way. You would have breathed all of the oxygen out of the coffin in an hour." Eliot's mother expained, getting suspicious again. Eliot got up.

"I'm headed out. To get answers. I'll see you later." Shine left the house, leaving his confused mother all alone again.

Eliot flew over Ponyville after dark to avoid attracting unwanted attention.

-And it’s suddenly fucking nighttime! There are not enough Doctors in the universe to fix this fucked up timeline. That or Luna is pissed about not being an important enough government official to be bitched about. Don’t worry, Luna. I’ll get to you later this month. Trust me, you’ll be stupid enough in that story.

Eliot decides to get some answers and figures that the best place to start is Twilight Sparkle. He flies over to the library where he knocks on the front door.

He soon landed at the door of the library, where Twilight Sparkle resided. He knocked on the door. He heard voices inside.

Who is at the door this late?

I dunno.

… You’re at the door, stupid… Oh, wait, is that supposed to be someone else talking? How am I supposed to tell?! There is nothing to indicate that since it’s the exact same as the rest of the narration! Use your fucking quotation marks! It’s what they're good for!

The door opened, revieling a Purple Unicorn, with an even darker purple mane, her violate eyes sparkled in the moonlight.

Oooo… Her eyes can violate me any time.

Jesus… two words that I never thought I’d hear Twilight say… outside of crappy fan fiction…

Twilight freaks out that Eliot is alive, not an unfounded reaction, and claims that Eliot shouldn’t be. Eliot asks why then he is alive, and Twilight says she’ll do some research and get back to him. Of course, having heard of the crimes Eliot has committed against Equestria, Twilight does the only sensible thing…

Pfft, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,... Sorry, and not tell Celestia about the guy who destroyed all the work she’s done for 1000+ years has somehow come back from the dead. And then literally the next line...

Shine had to wait two days before he received a letter that appeared out of a green flame.

Dear Eliot Shine. Come down to the library immediately! I have come up with a few theories on how you could be alive.

-Twilight Sparkle.

Because fuck pacing!

Twilight says that because Celestia’s horn was glowing when she killed Eliot, that means he now has regeneration like Wolverine…

Lord almighty, I have not enough smarts to make up something so incredibly stupid...

"The Princess's magic is some of the most powerful in Equestria. It must have been involentary, caused by extreme stress." Twilight explained. "It's possible that it could of been healing magic. See. When she stabbed you, some of the magic must have gotten inside of you.

So… she wanted to kill him… by healing him? Fuck it… I don’t even care… See, I’m under the theory that the story didn’t give a shit about this … piece of information that was not only not introduced in the previous story, but is so ‘pulled straight out of my ass at the last second’ bad that there is no way any effort was put into this. The author just threw his cat at his keyboard and it somehow produced this.

So, in an even more ‘whatever’ brand of storytelling, Eliot decides to go and visit Princess Celestia learn the truth. Celestia, big shock, is understanding towards Eliot and apologizes for stabbing him and murdering her subjects and locking Rainbow Dash in prison for ultimately stupid reasons. She was wrong and she has learned her lesson. All thanks to your YouTube video. You are truly the greatest pony that ever lived Eliot Shine.

Very well put, sir.

Oh, I’m not done yet. I’m not done. Eliot Shine, you are truly the master pony! Everypony inconsequential compared to you and your magnificence! Some bronies like Rainbow Dash because of her confidence, her talent, and fearless attitude! Fuck them! Some bronies like Fluttershy for her sweet demeanor and her kindness! Fuck them too! Some bronies like Derpy or Octavia for the sheer potential of who these characters are by the subtle details given to us in the show itself! Fuck every single one of those fuckers! The only pony worth loving is you, Eliot Shine! You are the only pony worth anything to anyone! And I hope every single brony reading this gets an ass full of your dick!

Sir, you can stop now. We get the point.

Because that is how little they matter compared to you! You are so magnificent and more intelligent than characters that have been working for years and years to become clever! And you just do it because you are amazing! Any brony who calls you ‘shit’ is clearly lying to themselves and is just jealous of your greatness and how much of a great pony you fucking are!

GAH! SON OF A BITCH! THAT HURT!

If you had stopped when I told you to....

So, yes. Celestia now loves Eliot and holds no grudges against him. Yay. Can we go now? No, of course not. There is so much more shit the story can throw at us to waste more of our time.

A week later, Eliot thinks about why, since he is a Pegasus, does he live in Ponyville. And rather than just saying, because he fucking felt like it, we need to have a huge backstory that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

"You're great, great Uncle. A long time ago, he failed his flight exam due to a large gust of wind. I'm assuming you know that failed Pegasi are exiled from Cloudsdale. Our ancestors went to find him. Wherever he went. We followed the direction that the carriage of shame traveled. But he was nowhere to be found. After almost a year of searching. We had to assume the worst. Then about a few months after the search was called off. His son failed the exam on purpose! To find his father. He was never seen again, not after he exited through the west gate. After my mother was born as a crippled flyer, our ENTIRE family vowed to leave Cloudsdale. And never return." She explained with great difficulty.

Yeah, apparently when you fail your flight exam in Cloudsdale, you don’t get grounded up into rainbows, you just get banished from Cloudsdale forever. And forget that scene ever happened because it has no relevance with anything.

Also, you can really tell this was very difficult for her to talk about. She says it all in one breath without any hint of emotion.

That night, he, for some reason, can’t sleep and goes to his computer to see his YouTube video. No doubt to masterbate to himself. And then we get a comment that says how much he cares about his fans.

When the Youtube page opened, he was greeted with heart warming comments to the video. Such as: RIP, This Colt's dead?, No. He's alive., Rest in Peace my friend. Equestrian Hero.

"Didn't the message get through anyponies skulls? I'm fine." Eliot moan in his half asleep voice.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, you just insulted the people who made you a hero, made statues in your honor and mourned your death. … FUCK YOOOOOOOOOU!

So, anyway, he watches his video and we get a few choice words from his point of view that I think is supposed to make him sympathetic, rather than just pathetic.

I mean. Remember that night, so long ago? When Celestia lost it? She used Ponyville as a playground for her... Pleasures. I seen her violating an animal care taking Pegasus right above my house. After she was stopped. That was it! Everything just went back to normal, and everypony pretended that it was a bad dream. Oh ya. Then her sister does the same thing, about two weeks after. Look at the trouble she got in! Equestria is not as glamorous as we like to think.

Eliot remembered the word coming from his mouth, almost clearly. If he had not of done that video. He would of never been killed. But nopony would be saved from harsh treatments either. Shine balanced it out in his mind as fair.

Yeah, that’s a completely different speech than what was in the first one! And your reasons for bringing the uprising was between Nightmare Moon and Discord! Not some fucking Pegasus! We never fucking saw any of that! Unless this story is trying to reference Princess Molestia, without any fucking prior mentioning of that!

Jesus, this story has no focus, does it?!

Oh, yeah. It really balances out, by the way. What with you coming back to life, while everyone else is dead?! Oh, yeah! I can see that!

And you want to know what the worst part about all this is, this event in the story means nothing! There is no reason for this part to be in the story! It makes no sense to have it here since it literally amounts to absolutely nothing!

The next day, because pacing is a myth in this story, Eliot goes to school … and literally a sentence later he is home from school…

The schoolday was long, boring, and filled with death related questions aimed at himself. Shine came home, stressed out! He trotted down the bland hallway to his room. He shut the door behind himself. He was alone in the place where he resided the most. Just how he liked it. Shine was glad that it was a thursday today. So he wouldn't have to spend an entire five days in that hellhole of a school.

Yes, how dare they be curious about a phenomenon that doesn’t ever happen! Readers, know that this school is clearly evil because it has the audacity to ask questions! … And … nothing else… … Are we sure this is just some paranoid pony who thinks that the world is out to get him? Because that would make this story slightly more interesting.

When he gets to his room, he hears a noise above him where he finds that Sex Toy is in his ceiling. It turns out that God wanted him to have sex with Toy and they proceed to do so. But before he can slide his dick in her, in comes the ex-girlfriend...

"Shine! Who is this! And what do you think you are doing!" A very angry voice came from the hallway. Shine and Charplet both cringed. charplet lifted herself off of Eliot.

*COCKBLOCK*

Yes, because it was sooooo funny the first time!

And no one likes this story either.

Yes, the ex-girlfriend who had about half a sentence of time devoted to her in the last story, makes an appearance now. And why, you might be asking? Because she’s Sex Toy number 2. I’m not even kidding. The girls decide to argue over who gets to take away Eliot’s virginity. You know, like real girls would and not holes you stick your dick into. And Eliot, likable character that he is, comes up with a brilliant plan.

"Which ever one of you fine ladies can give me the best blowjob, can take me first." Shine pervertedly said.

And as I said, since our characters are Sex Toys rather than actual characters, they, of course, agree to being used like toilet paper. After the two give him his blowjob, Eliot declares Sex Toy the winner. Honestly, it doesn’t matter which Sex Toy, they’re both the same thing as far as the story is concerned. And then they have sex, since that is all this story is good for.

And our story ends with this…

-One month later.

Eliot had finished the school year with flying colors. Everypony had excepted his return. Him and his two lovers, where with him quite frequently. His friends had returned to him. This was going to be an amazing summer.

Fan-fucking-tastic. And then we get an Epilogue about his friend who failed his flight exam. A friend who we have never seen before, never met before, Eliot has never talked about, never had a conversation with before, and never had anything to do with this story whatsoever.

I guess the story forgot to write the friend character in the story so it had to quickly pull a scene out of his ass in less than five minutes. …

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Is it hard to see why this story only has 41 views and yet, 22 dislikes?

What was the fucking point of this story? Why did this story need to exist? What was accomplished? What was overcome? What in the world did this story do for me?

The answer… nothing. There is no reason this story was written. This story has no business even taking up space in any library. Seriously, what was accomplished? Eliot comes back to life… and then he has sex. … That’s it. There is no conflict. The character has achieved nothing. Learned nothing. And will hopefully find a black hole and disappear into nothing.

And what’s worse? This has nothing to do with the Uprising! Yeah, it mentions the Uprising! But it doesn’t further the cause of it, show any kinds of consequences, or anything that happens as a result of the Uprising in the first place!

It’s just a glass case to show how amazing Eliot Shine is! That’s it! I suppose I’m not suppose to take this seriously, seeing how it is a comedy, but the only signs of humor we get in this story is the *COCKBLOCK* parts, which frankly weren’t that funny to begin with.

And the idea to turn this into a sex story is rather baffling. I assume that the story saw how bad the other story was received, trying to be more serious. So it decided to make a porn story in the hopes that it would get more popular. If so, you fail.

In the end, ultimately forgettable and a waste of your and my time. You know what won’t be a waste of your time? Next week’s review, because unfortunately for me… Sequel September is just starting…