Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

Ah, Ponyville. What is it about this lovely town that makes writers want to live there as opposed to where they live now? Why do authors love creating ponified versions of themselves to live in a place that has more bad things happen to it than Townsville from the Powerpuff Girls? Most likely they imagine Ponyville as a sort of utopia where they can go to make friends with their favorite ponies or more likely, fuck their favorite ponies.

I wouldn’t know. I hate living in this backwater dirt heap of a town. And not because I’m jealous of everypony with more than two pennies to rub together. Though that isn’t exactly helping.

As I’ve said before, self inserts in Fan Fictions are not automatically bad. I just don’t like them when they over glorify themselves for the little to nothing the characters actually do and the main six love them for nothing and want to have sex with him for the equal amount of time it took to develop the story.

Today I’ll be looking at a story called Ponyville’s New Neighbour by Tecuro. As with most stories like this in the past, it promises to be a unoriginal mess of the main six falling in love with a character we’ve known for a grand total of five minutes.

The sound of bird song floated through Twilight Sparkle’s open window and gently roused her from her sleep.

And already off to a rocky start… Sound of Bird Song? What is Bird Song? Are we sure it’s not ‘A bird’s song’? Or ‘The sounds of Bird Song’ as if this was the title of a song I’m supposed to know?

The story starts off with Twilight waking up from a good night sleep. She goes downstairs to where Spike is making breakfast. Just like the good, little slave dragon he is.

You’re adorable when you’re angry.

“Good morning, Twilight!” he said upon seeing her, in his usual upbeat tone “how did you sleep?”

“Beautifully, thank you,” Twilight replied her feeling of contentment rising at his bright attitude “and yourself?”

“I can’t complain. I wish the birds would keep it down a bit though.”

Owlowiscious was practicing Beethoofen again last night.

As the two begin to enjoy their breakfast, Pinkie Pie bursts into the room glopping Twilight. As she is wont to do. She takes her outside, after creating a mess in the library and leaves Spike to clean up after it. Well, that was kind of a bitch thing to do.

Chuckling slightly in spite of herself, Twilight made her way towards the small mountain of books that covered her friend when Pinkie exploded from the pile, grabbed Twilight by the hoof and took off towards the town leaving a confused and amused Spike to clear up the mess.

It’s amusing because they don’t care.

So, Pinkie Pie takes Twilight out into the town. There, they start to spy on a new pony who had just come into Ponyville. Yeah, that’s not stalker-ish at all, Pinkie. Twilight asks why they don’t just go up and meet him, but Pinkie Pie says that she wants to spy on him to find out what he likes. You know, like normal people. Okay, this is Pinkie Pie and all that, but I’m saying that she doesn’t seem like the type that would hide from new ponies!

I think the evidence is the first episode and a ‘Friend in Need’ (that may not be the correct title of the episode). In said episodes, Pinkie Pie threw a party for Twilight, without knowing anything about her. Granted, she did, somehow, know that Twilight would be at the library, but still she at least interacted with her. Or with Cranky where she talked with him and tried to get to know him.

So, Pinkie Pie’s reaction here doesn’t make any kind of sense! Why would she be stalking the guy?! Unless, she is in love with him?! Wouldn’t be the most far-fetched thing this story offers!

Anyway, Twilight, the only pony with logic, says that they should simply introduce themselves to this stranger. An idea that apparently slipped Pinkie’s mind. They head over to him and meet him.

“Oh, hey!” he replied with a thick foreign accent, that Twilight could have sworn she heard before but couldn’t place “I didn’t think anypony else would be awake at this time.”

Exactly how early is a question of debate, since the story does not tell us what time it is. I suppose it’s just left to us to interpret, but the last chapter stated it was apparently late enough to start breakfast. Unless it's a Sunday, the day of relaxation.

It turns out that our mystery guest is Steed from Trottingham. Get used to not knowing that much about him. You won’t feel like you’ve missed out on anything when it’s all over. Twilight asks him how he came to Ponyville and Steed says that he came from Appaloosa making friends with Braeburn along the way. Sure, why not? With the amount of friends he has by the end of the story, I wouldn’t be surprised if this guy was having tea parties with fucking Sombra.

Oh, and apparently, Braeburn tells him all about Twilight and her friends with such description that Steed is able to figure out who Twilight and Pinkie Pie are simply by appearances.

Braeburn: So, Twilight is the really smart one with the purple blot. She says she works out, but don’t believe it. She clearly has no upper hoof strength and watch out for the rolls of fat. Now, Pinkie on the other hoof… oh… That mare can blow my party whistle any time. And she’s really good at it.

And to make matters more cliche, before his stop to Ponyville, he wound up in the Everfree Forest. Hey, we had to get him to become friends with Zecora somehow, despite her not actually appearing in the story. Also, he was attacked by Manticore. The sure fire way to get your audience to relate to a character. Throw a fucking Manticore at them!

Of course, the investment of our main characters isn’t helped by the fact that, somehow, a herd of buffalo found it’s way into the Everfree Forest. Sorry, I’ve lost interest in Steed. I want to know about why the hell the fucking buffalo are in the Everfree Forest! Is this a rite of passage for them?! Did they get lost or something?!

Then…

He said, offering a hoof to Twilight, but before she could take it a blood-curdling scream pierced the air. Looking around Twilight, Pinkie and a very confused and terrified Steed all saw Rarity with a look of horror on her face, as if she had just seen somepony brutally murdered, looking directly at Steed; obviously enough time had passed for the rest of Ponyville to wake up.

Looks like our girl, Rarity, has just found out about our friend, Mary… I mean, Steed. Rarity is offended by mud on his body. I, personally, find other things offensive about him. Like the fact that so far all I know about his hobbies and shit, is that he loves traveling and hates being eaten. A well rounded character that one. So, Rarity takes him into a spa and attempts to give him a makeover. Oh, I do hope we get to see a crossdressing stallion in this.

Seriously, why don’t more stories have crossdressing stallions?!

I guess we had to get the spa ponies in this story somehow and the plot wasn’t going to get us anywhere. Thankfully, we can always count on Contrivance Town to solve the problem for us.

Rarity continues to be over the top with her begging the spa ponies to save him. Twilight and Pinkie try to calm her down, but Rarity isn’t having any of it. And I will give this story some credit. Rarity is the only one who is breathing life into this story. In fact, she’s more over the top than Pinkie Pie is thus far. But is Rarity strong enough to save this story? … Of course she is. But does the story know that?

Anyway, the spa ponies have their way with him, (Not like that, you pervs.) and he reappears before the girls.

The gold of his eyes matched his hooves and parts of his mane and tail (both of which were still as untidy as they were before, but now mud free), the parts they didn’t match were a bold red that matched his coat colour, a previously hidden physical feature he had was half a missing ear and his cutie mark intrigued Twilight; a horseshoe with a large crack running down it.

You know, now that I think about it, he did look better with the mud on him.

As Rarity and Twilight pay the spa ponies for their services, Pinkie Pie tells the others that Steed had run off and she can’t find him anywhere. I’m not entirely surprised. An extremely attractive mare comes up to you, takes interest in you, wants to know how you are doing, and pays for an entire day at the spa for you after almost getting killed in a vicious forest. I know I’d be doing the same thing.

Twilight proposes that they find him, but Pinkie Pie is against it. Which is really weird on Pinkie’s part seeing how she was perfectly fine stalking him a couple minutes ago. I guess consistency got pushed down the priority meter.

“Did you see what he was like in there? He’s not in his right mind! And now he’s loose in Ponyville!” Twilight argued.

See? Even Twilight thinks this guy is insane!

Why can’t I get stallions to like me?!

However, before the group can get even five meters away from the spa, Steed falls on top of them from a tree. And the reason he freaked out on them at the spa is because he doesn’t like being clean.

So… where do I begin?

He doesn’t like being clean? So, why doesn’t he have more diseases? Bathing is kind of that second line of defense against bacteria that can harm you! Bacteria that has adapted to your natural immune system! Not cleaning your hands or body makes it easier for bad bacteria to get into your mouth, eyes and nose! Causing all kinds of problems like diarrhea and influenza!

Also, why does he not have more ache?! Bathing helps rid your body of various oils, dead skin cells, dirt and sweat! If you didn’t bathe, you’d develop these problems and in most cases they’d become worse! It would even cause skin infection! Dermatitis neglecta?! Those brown spots that would cake onto your skin?! Yeah, where are those?!

And what about the smell?! Shouldn’t Twilight and Pinkie Pie have had some reaction to him smelling like a goat’s ass?! Don’t you want friends, dude?! And this review just turned into a PSA for hygiene. It’s not my fault! It’s the character’s fault! He made me do it!

So, the odorless, diseaseless, flawlessly skinned Mary… I mean, Steed, suggests that they go to Sweet Apple Acres since Braeburn sent a letter to Applejack speaking of Steed’s arrival. Spending a sentence to get to meet all the ‘cool’ characters of Ponyville, including Vinyl, Octavia, Trixie, and various other fan favorites. I would name them all, but frankly the interactions they have with Steed are nonexistent. Much like his personality.

They find Applejack and Big MacIntosh hard at work. Mostly because that’s how most fans portray her. And I wouldn’t have her any other way!

However, there seems to be some problem at Sweet Apple Acres. Applejack is having trouble getting some stubborn apples out of a tree! Now, I know what you’re all thinking?! But there is no need to panic! We have Steed!

“Stand back, ma’am!” Steed yelled at her, in a very heroic and clichéd tone of voice, then galloped full speed straight at the tree while everypony else could only watch in a mixture of shock and awe.

To everypony’s surprise Steed, instead of bucking the tree, continued running towards it and head-butted it with such force that not only shook the apples into the buckets placed by the trunk but, also some of the branches to the floor.

God, stick a pitchfork up my ass and then twist it around inside me!

I mean, good fucking god! Where do I even start with this shit?! This is how we are going to portray Applejack?! She can’t get a few fucking apples down after … what … 10 fucking years of doing this?! She’s outwitted by a few apples?! Okay, what the fuck ever! And then, after that we have big, strong, handsome, brave, heroic, pretentious, self-absorbed Steed riding in on a white horse to save the day! I think you could put Applejack in a pretty princess dress and tie her to a railroad track with her only lines being “Help me! Help me!”, and she’d still have more dignity than this!

So, after that, Steed explains the reason he was able to turn Applejack into the damsel in distress trope… No, no… keep the focus… is because he is a mountain climber. However, he says he’s not very good at it and thus keeps landing on his head, developing a thick skull. Because that is sure how bones work. Also, does he have any brain damage? Maybe this is all in his mind and he’s actually in a coma. It’d be something interesting.

Steed continues to explain his backstory as he got his cutie mark from surviving an avalanche while climbing a mountain. His cutie mark apparently represents the fact that he never gives up despite how hard things get for him. Thankfully, Twilight and the others don’t seem very interested in hearing Steed’s backstory and instead want to see what Applejack is cooking up in the barn. Well, at least the main six are still relatable in this story.

While waiting for Applejack to prepare whatever surprise she has in store for them, we are introduced to Steed’s pet falcon, Arrow.

God… I wish…

It turns out that Arrow had been in the Apple family’s barn for some time before Steed arrived. Apparently, Arrow had arrived with a note from Braeburn and Steed’s saddlebag containing his supplies. Wait, what?! How did a falcon lift all of his stuff?! I mean, I know it doesn’t mention any amount of weight, but I assume you have mountain climbing equipment and shit?! I may not know much about mountain climbing, but I’m pretty sure that a 2 pound bird could not carry a 150 pound bag of mountain climbing equipment!

Have you never seen Monty Python?!

So, just like every chapter so far in this story and matching up with ‘new pony arriving in Ponyville cliche’ Rainbow Dash arrives on the scene. For no reason. At this point, do they really need one? And Rainbow Dash acts like a bitch here, also for no reason. She challenges Arrow to a race. Yes. Rainbow Dash is apparently so petty that she has to beat a bird to feel good about herself. I’m not sure who lost more of their dignity. Rainbow Dash or Applejack. … I’ll let you guys decide amongst yourselves.

So the group manage to put together a race in the time it takes to have a typical shit and the race is on between Rainbow Dash and Arrow. Throughout most of the race, Rainbow Dash continues to be kind of a dick to Arrow, belittling him and the like. I don’t remember Rainbow Dash being that much of a jerk in the show. I mean, sometimes, maybe, but not this much!

And the race is filled to the brim will all the excitement, action, emotions, and skill you’d expect from this story! Everything that would fit into a 15 word sentence! I think I’ve seen paint drying competitions that were more exciting than this race!

So, as you probably guessed, the race is over as soon as it starts and yet somehow, we are supposed to be impressed. And big shock here, Rainbow Dash wins the race. Oh, good, that was a worthwhile scene. Rainbow Dash admits that she always knew she’d win, but that she wanted to get to know Steed by competing … against his falcon? Wait, what?

“The best way to get to know somepony is to compete against them, and it works for animals too,” She explained, then nodded towards Arrow (still catching his breath) “That falcon was willing to go through all that for you, and I can tell he’d be willing to go through a lot more. If he thinks you’re worth it then that must mean he really likes you.” Rainbow Dash lifted her hoof to Steed “And if a falcon likes you that much, you can’t be that bad.”

You know nothing about him! We know more about the fucking falcon than we do Steed! You know how you get to know a person? YOU FUCKING TALK TO THEM! Take an interest in their lives, see if any matches up with yours. If they don’t, maybe you can learn about that, showing that you are interested in why they like what they like. Ask questions. Talk about things that you find interesting. No, it makes much more sense for the story to just have Rainbow Dash learn everything she needs to know about a person by competing… with their pet? This wouldn’t even fly if Steed somehow sprouted wings and took off into space!

And even if I would buy this bullshit that you can learn about a person by competing with them, how do you know the falcon didn’t try to win because he knew he’d get a beating if he didn’t?! How do you know that the falcon wasn’t thinking to himself ‘Oh, shit! I’ve got to win this or my master will make me carry 150 pounds of his mountain climbing shit over 70 miles!’

After the race, the group remembers ‘Hey, we still don’t have a plot yet. Maybe we’ll find one at Fluttershy’s house’. We might as well. It’s the only character we haven’t met yet. So, the group finds a contrived reason to find Fluttershy. Which ends up being ‘we should introduce Steed to Fluttershy’. Seriously, could you at least try to be creative?

And if you thought Trixie, Octavia and Vinyl had no reason to be here, we pass by Lyra and Bon-Bon making out on our way to Fluttershy’s house. I’m sure whatever their doing is far more interesting than what I’m reading. They make their way to Fluttershy’s house and knock on the door to introduce Mary… I mean Steed. However, Fluttershy doesn’t seem that interested in meeting him.

“Fluttershy, dear, are you in?” She softly called out “Its Rarity, and the rest of us. We have a new arrival in Ponyville and we’d very much like for you to meet him.”

For a while there was silence and Twilight saw Steed roll his eyes.

Then a small voice was heard from inside “Do I have to?" it asked.

Hey, the only realistic reaction to this character yet.

But even that get shot in the ballsack when Fluttershy opens the door and … oh, Jesus fuck… Just play Tchaikovsky’s Romeo and Juliet here!

Yep, this is what this whole fic has been building up to, everyone. A chance to get in Fluttershy’s cottage. Well, good thing we spent the last seven chapters building this well-rounded character. Oh, fucking wait. I mean, god, can you imagine if Steed had come to Fluttershy’s door, while still in his filthy, unbathed body?

So, Fluttershy and Steed have what I guess is supposed to be a moment, but it’s so painfully forced that even the characters are starting to notice how painful it is!

“I’m Steed,” Steed said to nopony in particular, keeping his head down.

“Something you haven’t already told her,” Twilight reminded him, trying to sound gentle while holding back the urge to slap him.

“Oh… uh… I like… uh… stuff,” Steed mumbled.

“This is like watchin’ paint dry,” Applejack commented.

There could be no better line to describe this story.

As if it wasn’t any more painful in how forced the romance is in this, the characters themselves try to force the two on a date together! God, I wish I was fucking kidding! These two ponies who have met for a grand total of two minutes, and already Fluttershy is getting shipped with him! This is worse than that time the Crusaders tried to ship Cheerilee with Big Mac. … Not that I’m complaining. Keep it alive, people. Keep it alive.

So, Rarity comes up with the idea that she doesn’t have the right tea leaves to make the tea for such a special occasion. Our heroes send Fluttershy and Steed to go and fetch them together. Alone. In the kitchen. With nopony else around. Unfortunately, before any action can go on, Steed and Fluttershy arrive with a steaming hot pot of tea. And a question I have is, where is Discord in all this? Oh, well. Let’s face it, guys, he’d only make this story entertaining.

And, pfft, in true Mary Sue fashion, Steed is continually complimented by his tea making skills. With Fluttershy being the most impressed of all of them. And just to remind you, his cutie mark is the ability to never give up, despite his failures. … And you notice something kind of missing in this story? Like his failures? Yeah, despite this story spending so much time with him stating that he never gives up no matter how he fails, he never once fails at anything! The only thing that you could possibly say that he ‘failed’ in was his falcon not beating Rainbow Dash in the race. But even that is stretching it, since it was the falcon that raced Rainbow Dash and Steed had absolutely nothing to do with it!

For a story that praises how he never gives up, you sure forgot to give him a situation where that would have proven valid!

And you guys might have noticed something with this fic. We are two chapters away from the end… and nothing… fucking nothing has happened! Good fucking christ, this fic is fucking boring! I mean, what has happened? Steed came into town, meets the main six, falls in love with Fluttershy… and that’s it! Nothing interesting has happened, nothing has changed, nothing has been overcome! So what is the point of this story?!

Is this story seriously going to scrounge together a plot so quickly and so hastily in the last two chapters?! Are you serious?! You can’t! There is no way you can accomplish that! There is no way that you could- You did it, didn’t you?!

“Well, do you remember the disgruntled manticore I mentioned?” he said, looking guilty, “It’s possible that he may have followed me here” - another loud roar rang through the town - “just maybe.”

Seriously?! You know why this didn’t work for me? You want to know why this last second Manticore summoning bullshit doesn’t work for me?! It’s because it took us nine… Nine fucking chapters to get to this point! Nine chapters wasted on what barely passes for a plank of wood that you call a character! Some bullshit about meeting the main six, which we really never learn how he interacts with them, and a romance so forced even the Cutie Mark Crusaders would be calling you out on it!

All of this was pointless! Because we are not invested! I am not invested in this character or in this story! Any other sane person would have stopped reading this by now saying ‘Why am I reading this? This has nothing to give to me.’ And then picked up something else! Something that actually has intriguing characters, a flowing narrative, a fucking plot!

So, the manticore starts to rip through the town and Twilight, Spike, and Steed try to do everything in their power to stop it. Despite their efforts, the manticore is still on a rampage, but Steed is able to lure it away into the forest. While that’s going on, Applejack and Big Mac arrive just in time… To do, pretty much nothing. Yeah, they have as much point being there as Spike does.

Oh, Spike. Your fits of rage bring me joy.

Unfortunately, before the manticore can kill our hero, he is saved by Fluttershy and … the manticore’s mom? Sure, I’ll buy it.

So, the day is saved, everypony worships the ground that Mary walks on, as he shows that he is capable of helping the main six run their lives and even agrees to ask Fluttershy to be his very special somepony.

Man, this one sucked!

This is the story we’ve all heard a hundred times in the past and unfortunately, this story does nothing different with it. It spends each of the chapters meeting one of the main six. However, it focuses on each of them very little and the character barely spends any time with them. The chapters in this are so short that they barely have time to strike up a conversation before it ends.

It spends way too long trying to befriend the main six, instead of actually thinking of a plot that could sew that kind of storytelling together. Instead of thinking of a scenario, where this no named pony could potentially meet the main six and become a close friend, the story takes the easy, cliche and less interesting route, and just have them instantly taking a liking to him. One after the other. Which makes this story ridiculously slow! The plot doesn’t get around to moving until the final chapter and even then, it’s hardly that interesting!

The romance in this is beyond forced. Fluttershy knows nothing about this guy and is instantly in love with him. Bullshit! Not only does this insult my favorite character by setting her up with something that could have been replaced by a two-by-four, but is an insult to anyone who enjoys romance stories for the journey of two lovers. There is literally no chemistry between these two. The only scenes we get of these two are very brief and they barely talk to one another.

And finally, the character himself. He’s ultimately bland. He doesn’t stick out like any other character. There is nothing that makes him unique from all the other Mary-Sue type figures that I’ve read about. He’s just… generic Mary-Sue. Unlike other Sues, which stand out due to their absurdity, he’s just another sue that isn’t engagingly good nor amusingly bad. He’s just kind of there. And for a main character, that is not a good thing. He’s not interesting enough for me to want to know more and he’s not real enough to be relatable. He’s not even that fun to make fun of, as he isn’t loaded with tons of tragic backstory or ridiculous powers. There just isn’t enough of a spark to him to give him life. Which is a perfect way to describe this story as a whole. Lifeless.

Overall, a boring, cliched experience that we’ve seen a hundred times in the past without anything to distinguish it. Skip it! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to write next week's review/PSA teaching you all the wonders of ‘Seatbelt Safety’.