Hello, everypony! I am the Critique.

I think we all remember the Ghost Pony Rider.

How could you forget?! It’s practically everywhere now! Ever since this character appeared in one of the Nostalgia Critic reviews, he/she has been seen in various fics that tried to ride the popularity.

I DID IT BEFORE IT WAS COOL!

So, as you can imagine for every good fic that writes about the Ghost Pony Rider, there are a few bad ones too. And we’re going to look at one today and pick it apart like…

Sir, do you not think this is a bad idea?

What are you talking about?

Will this not seem the least bit pretentious to draw attention to your story by beating up on another one?

How would that be any different from what I do on a daily basis?

I am simply saying that if you want to do this, that is fine. But when you get angry emails about how you are simply jealous that their story is successful and yours is not, do not come crying to me.

I’m not jealous or angry! I’m reviewing it because I want to review it!

So, you are not going to mention your own Ghost Rider story during the course of this review?

Awww, but I had a tons of in jokes and reference that nopony who hadn’t read the story wouldn’t get. They were going to be funny and would help with story trafficking.

Because that is not the least bit pretentious.

Shut up!

Just try to restrain yourself from making too many in jokes.

I make no promises.

Well, with that out of the way, let’s start the review of Ghost Pony Rider by MrVoorhees101

We start our story with Twilight trying to sleep, but having a hard time doing so. Oddly enough, it took longer for me to say that than it took the story. And seeing that the longest chapter in this story is only about 1400 words, I can promise you, this isn’t going to be a fun ride.

Now, I’m not saying there has to be a quota on the amount of words a story or chapter has to have, but this story consists of mostly 700 to 900 word long chapters. I don’t think depth is what we are going to get out of this.

Twilight goes downstairs to do some late night reading by…

She sighed, Twilight covered her eyes with a hoof and randomly placed it a book.

Picking randomly … a book. I guess this was translated by the same guys who sent us up the bomb.

The book she picks out is called Myths and Legends of Equestria.

Why do I hear Sam Elliot’s voice at this point? Was Sam Elliot in the original Ghost Rider?

Yeah, you guys saw that coming. Back to the review.

So, it turns out that the Ghost Rider was a pony that was feared by many. For… some reason… Yes, I know the reason, but those who know nothing about Ghost Rider or anything he does wouldn’t. Why was he feared? The story doesn’t tell us, so why should we believe it? It could be just a misspelling of Ghost Writer for all I know.

Also, remember this point because I’ll be getting back to it eventually. Believe me, knowing what’s ahead this makes no sense.

Unbeknownst to Twilight an Alpha Timberwolf is looking in through her window… Funny, I would think that breaking and entering wasn’t really a Timberwolf thing, but I guess its good that a Timberwolf came to attack our main characters because how then would I possibly know how to care about them?!

Hey, guys! Need the audience to feel sorry for your little character? You do?! Well, try the simple solution of Timberwolf bait! Since Timberwolves are completely evil creatures, the audience will instantly take a loving to your special little character if they get attacked by them! It doesn’t have to be for any reason! Just have them get attacked by Timberwolves! That will get people invested!

Meanwhile, a figure comes into Ponyville hoping to be accepted. Applejack sees it and runs after it when she notices that the figure is on fire... Where… this scene happens…

She ran to her home and got a pale of water. She saw the figure coming and threw the water in the air. What should have been a loud splash, instead was a cloud of steam. Applejack watched as the figure continued running without even knowing. She said with a loud sign.

"Thats it, no more night strolls!"

What? Was she Wille E. Coyote at this point? Why did she need a sign?

And… was this supposed to be funny? … Cause it… really wasn’t… Just kind of weird…

So, the Timberwolf… somehow… yeah, get used to me saying that word, it appears a lot in this review… gets into Twilight’s home and attacks her.

But some little dragon tries to save her, but gets slashed in the back by the creature’s claws and is now bleeding to death. Well, glad to see you’re still as useless as ever.

When suddenly a chain of fire burst into the room and ties up the wolf, burning it to cinders. With Twilight safe, she goes over to Spike’s side and … cleans him up with a towel? What are you doing?! Take him to a fucking hospital! I don’t think that a slash that causes him to bleed is going to just be okay with a fucking band-aid!

After patching Spike up, Twilight goes out to find her savior. A pony with a flaming skull wearing black leather.

He maoned a rasperly sentence that sounded like he was a ghost with no energy.

Oh, good, the Ghost Rider isn’t even invested in what is going on. That means I don’t have to.

"Where am I?" he asked. His jaw bone the only thing moving.

Well, if he talks, I’m hoping that’s all that’s moving. As opposed to something else that people accuse me of talking out of.

Twilight asked in scared position.

"Who are you?"

Ghost Rider: I asked you a question first, it’s rude to ask someone else a question before you answer yours, you know?!

The being leaned toward the wounded mare. He was must taller than Twilight, a foot taller at least. He used his chain, with great strengh, he lifted her up like she was nothing but a pencil. The being said in a friendly tone and his skull smiled.

"They call me Ghost Pony Rider."

Ghost Rider: Now, pucker up!

But you have no lips! How are you even smiling?!

Ghost Rider: Listen, if the director of that Nicolas Cage movie didn’t care about me, why the fuck should anyone else?

Fine.. let’s suck face.

So, Ghost Rider carries her back to the library where he heals Spike with his powers.

"How did you..." Twilight asked but was cut off.

"Lets just say I'm not just slice and dice." Ghost Rider replied with a giggle.

Pfft… Did Ghost Rider just giggle?

I’m sorry, but does anyone honestly see Ghost Rider, this bad ass demon hunter laughing like a little school girl?

It kind of makes him less badass! I think that’s one of the seven deadly sins of writing superheroes. Along with making Superman a psychotic who kills more people than he actually saves.

"Soooo...how did you get your, uh, look."

Ghost Rider then stared at Twilight with his blank, souless eye sockets. Somehow, Twilight felt dread when she looked into those eye sockets. Ghost Rider then wrapped his chain around his hand. The chain then went up Ghost Rider's back and into his neck. The chain then cracked through his head where the hole was.

"I'll tell you."

Ghost Rider: My head is flammin’ and my story is tragic, cause I never knew Friendship was Magic.

… Wow, my jokes have only consisted of sarcasm and pop culture memes. I really need to get new material.

"Many years ago, I was an ordinarry pony just like you. I always would make the right choices I never made mistakes. I was a perfect soul.

Ah, so he is a perfect pony who was turned into a demon by means of the devil and now he has incredible superpowers with seemingly no drawbacks. … Very Mary Sueish the more I think about it.

Oh, and I’m not even kidding about the song. This character's backstory is literally that he never knew Friendship was Magic.

Okay… that might be fine with a backstory of a character that was created to acknowledge/make fun of our fandom, but for a character in a story… You gotta give him something more.

He tries to commit suicide and then gets murdered by a couple of bullies… Wow, the streets are a lot more ghetto than I remember.

Oh… yeah… that happened…

So, after being stabbed multiple times and losing a lot of blood, what does our Pre-Ghost Rider do? Just wander Equestria for years. Do… do you not know what a hospital is?! Because, I don’t think that being stabbed multiple times, nearly bleeding out is something you just walk off! Fuck, I would even accept the trope of “The love of his life finds him and nurses him back to health!” At least then, it would make fucking sense of how he survived! This is before he gets his superpowers too! As he swears revenge against the ponies who attacked him, he makes a deal with the devil to trade his soul for power.

Which is probably the least heroic thing to do! In the original comic, Ghost Rider traded his soul to save someone he loved! It was stupid because why the fuck would you trust the devil! But at least it was selfless and noble. Even if it did bite him in the ass!

This has none of that! This is just petty revenge! Sure, they might go out and look for other ponies to cut up, but the whole motivation for being Ghost Rider just lost its heroic quality about it! So, why are we supposed to root for a guy who is nothing but petty?!

Insert your own joke about me here…

Also, the argument that he’s a hero isn’t helped by the psychotic breakdowns he has.

Ghost Rider snickered and laughed.

"I made sure they never walked again. I RIPPED THIER EYES OUT! I PULLED THIER HEARTS FROM THIER THROATS! I SHATTERED THIER BONES!"

Oh! My flaming dick is so hard right now! Oh…

Apparently, he had one of these psychotic breakdowns earlier in his career when people called him a monster and threatened to destroy him after he had murdered the guys who bullied him. So, what’s the most logical thing to do to these ponies who have literally done nothing?

… Um… story… Hello? Story? Are you there? Story? Hello? Story? Wake up, story! WAKE UP!

This is not heroic! This is fucking sick! I thought the point of being a superhero is that they save lives rather than take it! I didn’t make my Man of Steel joke lightly, this is actually how Ghost Rider in this story acts!

Fuck, the Ghost Rider that teamed up with the bad guys in My Little Avengers was closer to the original comics! How do you do that?! How do you possibly make it worse than that?!

And what about the fucking book that Twilight was reading?! Did the story just forget about that?! With a monster that can destroy an entire city without batting an eye, I think somepony somewhere would have written that part down!

Now it could have been the demon half of him and not the actual pony, but the story never establishes that! So, I’m left to believe that this pony is a psychotic who can snap at any moment! And this is supposed to be our hero! He acts nothing like one! The only thing he has done is save Twilight from a Timberwolf! That’s it!

And, what is Twilight’s reaction to all this?!

Is anyone even surprised at this point?

Twilight even invites the psychopath to live with her. A typical response to just hearing a monster killing a town full of people.

So miles and miles away, Queen Chrsalise is making plans to take over Equestria. … No, that’s not a typo… At least, on my part…

Queen Crysalise stars outside to the dark forest. It had been nearly a year since she was deafeted by Twilight and her friends at the wedding of Candance and Shining Armor. Eversince, she has been trying a plan to kill Twilight and her friends. Crysalise growled and spoke to herself.

Huh… I guess, Chrysalis decided to bail on this fic after taking a look at the script.

One of the changelings decides to inform Queen Crysalise that the Ghost Rider is not only real, but has been seen in Ponyville. Queen Crysalise comes up with a plan to attack Ponyville after ridding it of the Ghost Rider.

Meanwhile, Twilight makes a bed for Ghost Rider and it transitions to him dreaming… Rather suddenly… and he is met by Luna. Luna explains to him that she is here to give him a purpose. So she sets up a scenario in his mind to save a woman who is being mugged and tells him that this is a test.

… How the fuck is this a test?! You literally told him that this was a dream! So, his actions have no consequences if he fails?! And how the hell is he supposed to fail?! Anyone with half a brain could figure out, ‘Well, the princess of the night wants me to save this person, that’s what I’ll do. And then I’ll stab her in the back when she isn’t looking.”

Wouldn’t it be better to test him subtly rather than this bullshit?! Having Luna manipulate the dream to test him, rather than this?!

But it turns out that Ghost Rider failed the test because he’s a fucking psychopath by killing the thug and the innocent victim. Our hero…

As Ghost Rider wakes up, he finds a book that tells him all about the backstory to Ghost Rider 2. No, seriously, it's the backstory to Ghost Rider 2. That Ghost Rider is an angel who fell from heaven and was tricked by Disscord to losing its goodness. Well, it’s a good thing this is Disscord and not Discord, otherwise, I’d have to call bullshit on this.

So, Ghost Rider goes on a mission to find Disscord by any means necessary. Right after a quick bite to eat… Wait, what?

Ghost Rider hadn't eaten for a long time. He wanted some food.

Again… this… badass demon hunter thing… is complaining about being hungry… Starting to see my issue with this? The badass isn’t a badass, he’s just kind of there. I guess it’s to make him more relatable, which it doesn’t because, again, he’s a fucking psycho. But he doesn’t have much of a personality to begin with. He’s kind of bland. He’s not cool. He’s not entertaining. He’s boring! Something I should not be saying about a pony with a flaming skull for a face.

Scootaloo runs into the Ghost Rider and has what I would call a realistic reaction to it.

Ugh… Ghost Rider?... I wanted to see the Hulk.

This causes Rainbow Dash to get involved as she thinks that Ghost Rider is picking on her. Again, not focusing that he has a flaming skull for and rather treating him as the most boring character in existence with nothing interesting about him. Tell me you would do anything different.

But fortunately the shop owner that they happen to be standing right in front of notices them fighting and tells them to take it somewhere else. And … for some reason, Ghost Rider agrees to not killing them, even though we’ve seen nothing that would make us believe that he would ever do that.

Consistancy? What’s that?!

Ghost Rider heads back home where he is kind of a dick to Twilight.

"Hey Rider! Um...what are you doing?" Twilight looked at her friend.

Ghost Rider looked at her with an annoyed look.

"I'm playing chess! What'da think I'm doing?" Ghost Rider's smartass remark.

You know… The more I read about this character, the more I would rather be reading Soren the Alicorn for a more developed character, and he had more pointless powers than Ghost Rider did! Thanks for reminding me of a character I’m getting back to later this year! Coming September!

"Two ponys came in here today looking for you. One was this attitude one, the other was like a drama queen."

Yes, the two ponies that came… One of them being a drama queen. … Even though she didn’t say anything, do anything, or anything anything that would possibly lead to that conclusion. So, not only is Ghost Rider a psychotic murderer, he also judges people based on appearances and automatically goes for the stereotypes.

Just when our hero couldn’t be any more likable.

Twilight decides to introduce Ghost Rider to all her friends, but he thinks that’s a terrible idea. Well, they aren’t impressed with your flaming skull routine, which seems to be all you do, so yeah, I can’t argue with that.

The story doesn’t get much better when it tries to throw in an exciting race. A race that lasts all of two sentences. … I guess the story felt that it needed something to wake us up from sleeping due to the boring as shit character. Mission failed, I’m afraid.

Days past, Ghost Rider was starting to get bored staying inside Twilights house.

God, even the characters in your story are getting bored! My Ghost Rider is telling you to pick up the pace!

Sir!

Sorry, sorry, didn’t mean to selflessly promote… A much better Ghost Rider fic.

Sir!

Well, it is!

Not the point, sir!

Suck all the fun out of everything. Kind of like this story.

So, Ghost Rider heads out into the forest looking for the plot, when he comes upon a mare who is injured. Ghost Rider decides to help her and rushes her to a hospital. When he arrives… he somehow passes out… Okay… But it turns out that they were too late to save her. Even though Ghost Rider has demonstrated that he can heal bleeding injuries with his powers, but let’s face it, the author doesn’t care about this story, why should I?

"Why? Why kill an innocent pony?"

Well, you’d know all about the why, wouldn’t you?

The guards think that he’s the one who murdered the mare and decide to arrest him. Ghost Rider decides to attack the guards, maiming one of them as a result. Again, our hero…

Fortunately, he is stopped by the only likable character in this story, Princess Luna. Don’t expect that to last long though.

So, Luna locks up Ghost Rider and interrogates him to find out why he killed the mare. Ghost Rider explains he didn’t and Luna doesn’t believe him.

They argue back and forth and Luna is surprised when Ghost Rider knows that Luna has a sister named Celestia.

… Let me repeat that…

Luna… is shocked… when Ghost Rider… reveals… that he knows… she has a sister…

…

…

I don’t need to say anything. I think the stupidity of that line speaks for itself.

So, after Luna leaves, shocked that this Ghost Rider would know something that… everypony would already know, Disscord appears.

Yeah, apparently Disscord can fuse ponies with demons. … I guess “A Day As Dashie” was right. Disscord can do whatever the plot wants him to.

But Disscord apologizes for turning Ghost Rider into a demon and admits that he has reformed. He also shows that he has proof that Ghost Rider is innocent, but Disscord says he can’t show it to anyone. Why?

"I'm sorry! I need to show this after words! That is how the trails work!"

What are you talking about?! If you have evidence that will prove, beyond the shadow of a doubt that he’s innocent, show them now! I don’t think Celestia is going to care that it’s not taking place in a courtroom! I don’t know much about courtroom trials, and as we’ll see in a minute, neither does the author, but I think that if you have proof that the mare wasn’t killed by Ghost Rider, you can show this evidence without a trial.

Speaking of a trail, the story decides that it needs to put the Ghost Rider on trial for murder. Great, I needed something to lull me back to sleep.

So, the trial is underway, but it’s all pointless since we already know that Ghost Rider is innocent and the evidence that will show he is innocent, so there is really no point to this chapter except to draw this pointlessness out as long as possible.

Ghost Rider, just like the rest of us, doesn’t take this trial seriously as he insults the judge and gets away with it.

And then… right in the middle of a courtroom, a general of Equestria attacks Ghost Rider and Ghost Rider kills him … right in the middle of the courtroom. … Yeah, he’s not dangerous at all. Not even in the slightest.

After Ghost Rider throws his hissy fit, to which no one even bats an eye, Celestia doesn’t call a fucking recess, Disscord finally reveals the evidence that it was a Changeling that impersonated Ghost Rider and murdered the mare.

Oh good, a general of Equestria is dead because Disscord decided it would be a better idea to withhold evidence for a little bit. Is this story trying to make me not like it? Because the terrible spelling and grammar already do that! I don’t need unlikable characters to add to it!

Ghost Rider is pissed that everyone seems to be against him. Well, if you’d stop acting like a dick, killing ponies, yelling at ponies who are trying to help and laughing like a maniac maybe, fucking maybe ponies would be a little nicer to you!

Oh, and by the way, what about the fucking trial for him murdering an entire city of ponies, who didn’t do anything?! Are we just going to forget about that?!

So, Ghost Rider goes into the forest where he meets arguable the best character in the story, Female Ghost Rider. She has another name, but I’m calling her Ghost Rider and I’m now named the ‘Ghost Rider’ in this story Dumbfuck.

Oh yeah… Much better...

The next morning… I guess they had… Ghost Rider Sex… interesting… Ghost Rider explains that the only way for the demon to leave Dumbfuck and become an even more powerful Dumbfuck is to commit suicide. Because… I’m sure that’s how it works…

While they are fishing for some breakfast, which I think is supposed to add chemistry to this fire, Ghost Rider explains her backstory.

It turns out that she was working for a mayor who made slaves of her family. Not sure how that’s legal, but I’ll buy it. And when her family was pointlessly murdered by this mayor, she decided to sell her soul for revenge and ever since getting said revenge and learning how devastating it is to take a life in cold blood, even having an emotional breakdown as a result, has vowed to make sure that no one else suffers what she suffered through.

Ho… Ly… FUCK! Why could this character not be our main character?! She’s far more relatable! She’s far more interesting! She’s far more noble! And she’s far more intelligent and sane than the fucking Dumbfuck we got!

One chapter and I already like this Ghost Rider more than our current one! She should have her own story! The Cool Legends of Ghost Pony Rider.

Our next chapter sees Ponyville under attack by the Changeling Army. Which… I guess nopony saw coming… I mean… they clearly saw the evidence that a Changeling murdered a pony and framed Dumbfuck. Did they not think that Cryslaise might be up to something? Or did they think it was some kind of prank?

So, Crysalis arrives in town and demands to see Dumbfuck. … Which doesn’t make sense because… why would you frame him if you already knew where he wa-Oh fuck it. The story doesn’t care anymore than you do.

The chains retracked and wrapped around the hands of two supernatrual ponys who are about KICK SOME ASS!

So, yeah a fight scene happens.

With this writing it’s about what you expect it to be. Rushed, cliche, unentertaining, and horribly written.

And wouldn’t you know it, the early 2000’s superhero trope of female character being an asskicker, but in the end she has to be saved or dies horribly. FUCKING WOMEN IN REFRIGERATOR TROPE!

But fortunately, for the defenseless, stupid, helpless in everyway women, the big, strong, masculine, handsome, smart, SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Here’s how it really ends! Stupid ass Dumbfuck dies by Crisalsis. Ghost Rider and Twilight Sparkle kicks some ass and leave evil Dumbfuck for dead. Chrysalis comes back and admits she’s in love with Cadance! They have a baby together! Everyone laughs about it!

The fucking end!

Fuck this fic!

Jesus Christ, do I even have to explain why this story sucks?

No, but I’m going to anyway.

The writing is awful! With a number of spelling errors, grammar mistakes and lack of descriptions of characters, places and emotions. Which makes it very difficult to relate to the characters, get a sense of the world around them, and make it incredibly boring.

The pacing in this story is abysmal. With it either being way too fast or way too slow! Sometimes both at the same time! With the lack of descriptions, scenes are over much faster than they should be. And yet at the same time, NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENS UNTIL THE LAST FUCKING CHAPTER! Any interesting point doesn’t come until the last bit of story.

I wouldn’t mind this as much if there was any kind of character development in any of these scenes, but there is barely any, if any at all.

Dumbfuck is a fucking unrelatable psychopath who is pretty much an asshole to everyone he meets. There is a difference between badass and asshole! A huge fucking difference! He is rude, disrespectful and cares nothing for the safety and continued survival of his fellow ponies and yet he is supposed to be portrayed as our hero. Fuck that shit!

The main six and the Princess are barely characterized, with Dumbfuck hogging the spotlight and any interactions he has with the other characters are skimmed over.

Like I said, the only interesting character was Ghost Rider at the end. But even the story found a way to take this badass female Ghost Rider and turn her into a damsel in distress trope! I can’t help but feel that this story probably would have been a lot better if the story had focused on her.

She was a more relatable character. And while her personality wasn’t developed either, due to lack of screentime, she was a more interesting character. My only gripe with her was she shifted back and forth between being a trembling flower and a no-nonsense demon hunter as if the story couldn’t pick a personality.

However, the potential for this character was there. Or this could be because the Dumbfuck was so bad, that even a cliche, unfocused Ghost Rider was better than that!

Bottomline, get rid of Dumbfuck, focus on giving Ghost Rider a personality, have her fight something that could actually give her a challenge, have her interact with the other characters and GET A PROOFREADER!

Jesus Christ, I’d sell my soul for a good fan fic!

Perhaps, I can assist with that.

Who the fuck are you?

Hades, lord of the Underworld. Or the Devil if you’d like.

Oh… yeah… Didn’t I kill you once?

A… jaundiced account.

Sir… you mean you actually did fight the Devil?

Yes! I told you! My book was possessed by the Devil!

You had used that lie in the past to not review something! I had assumed that you had done so again!

Oh, sure! I lie ONE time and I’m branded as a liar for life!

Try 8,493 times since I have meet you! That is not counting all times I have not been in the same room!

You know you think you’re so smart with your ‘science’ and your ‘technology’ and your-

ENOUGH! You want my services! A soul for a good fan fic?

Wait, you can do that?

Would I be the Devil if I couldn’t?

Wow! This sounds almost too good to be true, though. What’s the catch?

... Wait, what?

What’s the catch?

Sir, you are not seriously considering this.

Would you shut up I’m trying to make a deal with the Devil? What’s the catch?

Um… Do you not understand what I’m trying to do? I’m trying to take your soul… Your eternal soul… for a fan fic. So, I guess the catch would be… you’d lose your soul to be tormented by me for all eternity.

Hm… You make a valid argument. You’ve got yourself-!

Sell your soul and you’ll end up like Mary Jane and Peter Parker in One More Day!

ONE MORE FUCKING DAY! ONE MORE FUCKING DAY! PIECE OF SHIT! GOD DAMN

Apologies, Mr. Satan, but we will not be needing your services today.

Says the android who can’t remember where she came from.

Or simply chooses not to.

Fine, have it your way. But you can’t protect him forever. He has to pay for his sins one day.

We all do.

JESUS FUCK STUPID ONE MORE FUCKING DEAL WITH MEPHISTO PIECE OF SHIT!