Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

Another day, another shipping, another lesbian on lesbian.

Some of you just had a pretty image in your head, didn’t you? Maybe a flashback to some ‘good’ fic you read. Well, hold onto your hats, kids, because I won’t be reviewing that one today.

No, instead I’m going to be reviewing a fic that goes through the difficulties of being a lesbian in a non lesbian world. This would actually mean something if the story wasn’t as pretentious as possible and the story’s author wasn’t a complete twat.

The goal of this story was to make it the feature box on the premise that TwilightXDash action. And that’s it

… I was going to make a joke about that, but I’ve seen things appear on the feature box for stupider things.

Wow, two insults about the feature box in two weeks! I might have to stop that. Otherwise, ponies might get the impression that I’m bitter!

Not an unfounded accusation.

Shut up!

So, yeah, not entirely improbable. Stupid? Yes, but that’s the system for you.

But enough of my bitching about petty things, let’s bitch about even more petty things! This is the review of Rainbows at Twilight by Still Not Ben Stiller

"Get out of my sight, queer!"

Hey, don’t you call me that?! Do I have to come in there and kick your ass?!

Actually, that’s a pretty damn good opening line. I mean it, it got my attention right away and pulled me into the story. But unfortunately, that line will mean nothing by the end of this. Our story begins with Rainbow Dash being beaten by her father.

Um… Wow… way to start off your fan fiction with a child beating. While it’s not very graphic, (mostly due to the poor writing) it’s pretty messed up. Why would you start your story with a child being threatened like this. I know it’s rated T, but even for a T story, that’s pretty fucked up.

I mean, who else would start a story with a child abuse scene?

How is that chapter of Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance coming along?

You know what would make it go faster?

The answer is ‘shut up’.

DON’T STEAL MY PUNCHLINE!

So, Rainbow Dash runs off, but it turns out it was all a dream.

To be honest, with a bit more polishing, that first scene could have actually worked. Yeah, I don’t approve of the shit of actually showing Rainbow Dash being beaten, but it can show how lesbians are viewed by some people. It would have been a nice little touch that a story could have worked itself around.

Sadly, we aren’t in that one. As this one tries extra hard to be pretentious.

Waking up in a cold sweat, Rainbow Dash jolted up. Not the nightmares again! They were very bad for her!

Oh, really?! No kidding?! Nightmares are bad for you?! God, I always thought the guy wearing a ski mask and wielding a chainsaw ripping my organs out was always my fantasy! But if I take anything out of this story, that … is actually supposed to be … scary!

Wow, I wonder what other deep philosophical secrets this story will unravel?

Story: Rainbow Dash decided to get something to eat. Because eating helps Rainbow Dash have energy to perform the Sonic Rainboom. Especially nutritious foods like grains, fruits and vegetables.

Is this a story? Or a PSA about eating right?

And this is where any potential this story had sinks right down the toilet gathering enough piles of shit for it to gain sentience and start plotting the downfall of Equestria.

The story quickly turns into ‘Why Rainbow Dash and any shipping besides the one I like is never going to work’ or as I like to call it ‘WRDAASBTOILINGTW’!

Yes, this is the chance for the story to be preachy as fuck and frankly, it turns the story completely boring and stupid.

Applejack appears and offers to take Rainbow Dash to lunch. Because everyone is gay in this world… No, I’m being serious. Not the kind of gay that Equestria is usually known for, but the kind of gay where we get lesbian on lesbian action and any of the straights are the ones to be ridiculed.

Um… Story, are you against gays or not? Isn’t this story about a lesbian in a non lesbian world? And the struggles they have to go through? If so, you’re doing a fucking poor job of it. It kind of makes being a lesbian not as unique when literally every character in the world is also a lesbian. Kind of defeats the purpose of this story, doesn’t it? Story? Hello? … Okay, you just keep popping those pills. I’m sure the voices in your head will just magically go away.

No thanks," Rainbow Dash rejected, knowing exactly what was going on, despite the fact they had been friendly rivals since who-knows-when. After all, opposites attract and they are too similar so this ship doesn't belong anywhere.

And … troll fic.

Seriously, it couldn’t be anything else. And even if it wasn’t a troll fic, it’s still pretentious as shit with the label that ‘I’m deep and philosophical and you all hate it because you just don’t get it!!!!!1111!!!!’

So, the story continues to go through each of the main six, trying to be funny at the same time, for some reason. This would mean something if the jokes weren’t ‘LOok at Me! I’m funny beCasue I make RainBOw DaSh do something that SHe said Sh’ed never DO! And then CALL her a HypoCrite!’

That’s not funny, bro! That’s being a twat!

Rainbow Dash gets to Twilight’s and is blinded, for some reason that the story doesn’t even want to try and tell us, and she gets her sight back by the power of love. And then we have this line that made me chuckle.

"Still a better plot twist than a human being a lost brother of the Princesses," Rainbow Dash said.

Actually, that’s funny, story! Because I read that story! It was shit! But it was still better than this shit sufflay I’ve been served!

Some more stuff happens and the story continues to be pretentious all the while thinking that insulting the audience is funny and our story ends with a rant from the Doctor for some reason… I can’t tell if it’s from the author or the character…

"Don't give me that shit. I'm going to tell you a story. Back when I was in high school, I knew a guy who liked video games as well. That was the only similarity we had. No, he didn't want to suck my dick because he had a girlfriend. No, I didn't want to suck his dick. Ergo, your opposites attract is false and I am living proof of it. In addition, if opposites DID attract, then why isn't FlutterDash popular? They're full opposites and have been friends for who knows how long. Two legitimate reasons right there. Also, if opposites attract, then they'd be ATTRACTED to the OPPOSITE gender. Shrekmate, bazooper. And no, this isn't my opinion. This is fact, so don't even consider trying to minimize me. You'll just embarrass yourself. Any questions, redirect them to my ass. Doctor Whooves, or rather, a pony just speaking for a higher and sexier power, out." He then went into the TARDIS and warped to god-knows-where. Probably to another trashy fic.

I’m not even sure what to make of this. You know what, I’m not even going to try to make sense of this. I figure it’s not worth the brain cells it would take.

In fact, that’s the story as a whole. It’s certainly not engagingly good. Nor is it amusingly bad. It’s just kind of there. Like your best friend who is drunk and the best humor he can come up with is fart and boob jokes. Fine for the first second and a half. Anything after that, you just want to take his jokes and shove them down his throat so far that they come out of his butthole!

As a legitimate fic, it’s bad. Really stupidly bad.

As a troll fic, it’s even worse.

It’s not bad enough, funny enough, takes enough risks, or bat shit crazy enough to be a good troll fic.

A troll fic is something that intentionally makes the audience upset and makes them feel uncomfortable. This story didn’t do that to me. On the whole, I found it rather boring. There wasn’t anything offensive enough to make me cringe nor anything good enough to make me want to keep reading. It just felt like the author saw what other trollfics were doing and decide ‘Hey, I can write one of those’ without really understanding how trollfics work.

The only semi-decent scene, ignoring the lack of descriptions and context, was the first scene, but then the story tries to be a comedy after that, completely ignoring the fact that she was beaten. I didn’t even remember that scene by the time this story ended. And that’s not good trollfic writing either. A good trollfic would have made me remember that. This one couldn’t.

Not impressive. Thumbs down. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to put my head in a bucket of crab cakes with chainsaws for teeth while singing ‘I’m a Yankee Doodle Dandy’.

***

Hey, guys!

Wow, short review this week…

Okay, but the thing I wanted to talk to you guys about is I just got over 150 followers! I know right?! Something I never thought I would get! Thank you guys so much for continuing to follow me! Whether it be for my stories, my reviews, my personality, whatever your reason, I appreciate every single follow I get.

And I’d like to take this chance to get to know you all better and I’d like you guys to get to know me better. So, here’s what I’m going to do, I’m going to have you guys ask me questions about things you might like to know about me, but were too afraid to ask.

Now, there is a catch to this, I will only answer questions that you answer to me first. For example, if you were to ask “How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?” You must leave some kind of answer before I will answer it back. Like “A woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck.”

Then I would respond by saying “8 and a half. Figure that one out.”

And it can be about anything, books, games, movies, personality, future projects, whatever. I will not answer any questions that are not answered by the one who asked the question.

That’s all I’ve got for this week. Tune in next week for another review. This time I’ll review “Descending Desires” by RedSketchPad. Until then, take care.