He moved from his kitchen carrying a plate of darkened brown bread. It steamed as he sat at his favorite spot. His stomach growled at him as he began his day. I know, I know, he thought to himself, as if his hunger was a living entity that needed to be appeased.  

Appearing from the wall behind him, through what appeared to be a portal, was a long robotic arm, carrying a glass of orange liquid.

“Your juice, sir,” Computer stated, as her robotic arm appeared before him, holding out the glass.

He raised his hoof and lifted the glass from its resting place. “Thank you, Computer.” He tipped the glass up to his mouth as the liquid slithered down his throat. The drink tangy flavor filled his taste buds as he continued to swallow it down, only to be replaced not a second later. When the contents were drained, he moved the glass away from his mouth and gave a satisfied sigh.

He placed the glass back on the robotic arm, allowing it to slither back into the confines of the house. He often wondered where the mechanical arms went after they were done assisting him. She had once explained to him that it was dimensional transcendent. She tried to explain about a geometric shape, the Tesseract, but he could barely follow any of it.

It didn’t seem to matter to him, as long as Computer knew what she was doing. He reached over and grabbed a piece of toast from his plate. His comps bit into it as small loose crumbs start to fall on the book below him. He gave a quick glance at the title, unable to help himself. His heart sank as he looked upon it. He snarled under his breath.  He diverted his eyes to the ceiling. “So, is the next story ready for reviewing?”

“Yes, sir,” Computer’s voice came from the ceiling. “I am preparing it now. You may begin when ready.”

He placed his hoof on his forehead releasing a grunt of discomfort. “Well, might as well get started,” he stated as he looked to the camera in front of him. He then gave his usual sly smirk.

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Warning: This review contains crude language and disturbing sexual imagery. Viewer discretion is advised.

Hello everypony. I am the Critique.

I am open to different languages being spoken by all types of people. Hell, I’m open to differently languages being written by all types of people. However, if you are unfamiliar with the grammar or writing styles of a particular language, then you should not be writing in it!

Now you may think that Google translator would be a great substitute for it. The truth is… it isn’t, as we will see in today’s story. Not only is this story written exceptionally bad, but the fact that this person doesn’t know the proper rules and grammar for English makes it even worse. Now, I understand that English is a difficult language to learn. We have a lot of rules.

All the more reason why you should not be writing in a language you aren’t familiar with. But let’s not dwell on it for too long. Let’s just dig into Gainbow Dash by jbond and see why you should follow my advice. On everything.

Again, there are spoilers for this story. If you haven’t read it yet and you would like to, turn back now. As for the rest of you.

In Equestria was perfect weather.

Bored already. And by the way, thanks for describing that perfect weather. Where I come from perfect weather means less than 2 inches of snow.

Rainbow pony engaged workouts for about an hour, and then went downstairs.

Wait, are we not outside? How exactly is Rainbow Dash training? Is she lifting weights or something? Is she flying inside a big gym? Like I said, this story is terribly written and the fact that it had clearly gone through a translator just makes it worse.

So, I guess Scootaloo is watching Rainbow Dash train, thinking about how cool she is.

She could not believe how cool was Rainbow Dash.

And that is how cool Rainbow Dash apparently is in this story; she is so cool that she can’t even be described how cool she is. I would say “Show, don’t tell” here, but I have a feeling it will fall on deaf ears.

"Well, baby, grow up - and you just can."

… Wow, that was motivational! I feel like I can do fucking anything! I feel like I could climb Mount Everest. I feel like I actually one day might be an aspiring writer and all because of this one inspirational piece of literature! All those speeches about believing in yourself and dreaming and working towards one’s desires!

Fuck them! They are truly shit compared to this little sentence that draws so much thought and wisdom. How did he do it? How did he manage to create such a wondrous speech with only a few words?! How did he manage to say so much with so little? So many different ways this can be interpreted! Like… um… grow up… and you’ll be able to do whatever you want… and …. That’s it…

I’m interpreting this to be more than it actually is, aren’t I?

I hope!

There are no quotation marks here so I’m assuming that the author is saying this. He hopes what? Hello? Author? Are you there? You hope what?

Fuck it, I’ll make up some hopes!

I hope that Rainbow Dash and Applejack get together! (Writes a story about it)

I hope that people all over the world get to talk about my story (Posts it on the internet)

I hope that my story is a huge hit. (…)

I hope that a stupid pony doesn’t come along and reviews my story. (Enter the Critique)

So, Rainbow Dash has a meeting with the Wonderbolts and Scootaloo manages to convince Rainbow Dash to let her come with.

The next evening, Rainbow Dash meets with the Wonderbolts.

"So what? You claim to be steep enough to Wonderbolts?"

Oh, my god. Is this more gangsta slang?

Be pumping them jacks all moon light with yam bitches! Hood scratch all around, pumping my breath with jokes! Me and my B, we steep the back door with the princess of the night.

Luna be pimping, yo dog! Google translator, win for the, beeches!

Dash was struggling to impress Wonderbolts team. She performed loops, rolls and other stunts tents.

Uh… I don’t want to know what kind of stunts you do in a tent. Unless it’s a circus tent, but that’s never explained and I don’t see how you could fly a great distance in a circus tent. By the way, this is a clop fic. And I’ll let your imagination do the rest.

Struggling, it still fulfilled its entire programm. Soarin and Spitfire, looked at her and said,

"Not enough to cool."

Not enough to cool what exactly? Are you saying you want some ice or something?  Are you beginning to see the problem with using a Google translator?

"Come on, rainbow, piss!

What kind of bizarre, weird ass-shit try out is this?! First, you have her perform stunt tents, whatever the fuck those are and now you want her to pee in front of you guys?! What the hell is wrong with you ponies?! If this is what it takes to become a Wonderbolt, I’m glad I’m an earth pony!

"I'm sorry Dash. I'm a little delayed in school."

Hello, a little delayed in school, who happens to look a lot like Scootaloo. Nice to meet you.

A little delayed in school asks the Wonderbolts to let her try out and the Wonderbolts agree, saying to come back when it’s dark.

Well, I don’t really foresee anything going wrong with this. I mean, it’s just a young girl. A young defenseless girl… going to see some strangers… alone… possibly to make her do stunt tents… and make her piss in front of them… with nopony else around… Oh, my god!

Somebody call the police! We have a minor with possible pedophiles posing at Wonderbolts! Send help immediately!

So, a little delayed in school arrives and the Wonderbolts ask her if she is ready to become one of them.

Spitfire said,

"So, all you need - is to take in his little mouth his dick."

Bad touch! Bad touch! Police, get over to the Wonderbolt arena right now! The Wonderbolts are asking a little girl to let them put his dick inside … himself? … I think… Just hurry!

So, a little delayed in school runs off after learning what the Wonderbolts wanted her to do and flies over to Rainbow Dash’s house. Rainbow Dash learns about it and rather than going and confronting them, like any responsible adult, she decides to whine about it.

"Thank God - calmed down and sighed rainbow pony."

I’m assuming Rainbow Dash is talking. If she is, she is speaking in third person. The Critique decides that he will do the same.

A little delayed in school asks why Rainbow Dash doesn’t just do what they asked her to do and Rainbow Dash says this…

"I only like the grasshopper."

Scootaloo very surprised. No! She was shocked, it turned out that her favorite pony - a lesbian.

How the hell does grasshopper translate into vagina?! Google translator, you can suck my Big Bad Beetleborg!

The next day Rainbow Dash goes to visit Twilight to discuss her problem.

"I do not want to take a Wonderbolts!"

I don’t know. Spitfire is still available. So is Fleetfoot. Maybe it turns out that one of them is lesbian.

Rainbow Dash explains to Twilight about what the Wonderbolts would force them to do and when Twilight says how perverted and disgusting that is (rightfully so), Rainbow Dash says this.

"Yeah, that's not it. I just prefer sex with a mare."

Okay, I’m not going to get into a discussion about my opinions on same sex marriages. I will, however, say that THE WONDERBOLTS WERE TRYING TO HAVE SEX WITH A MINOR! Why the fuck is nopony taking that seriously?!

Twilight explains that Rainbow Dash needs to change her entire lifestyle and find a stallion for Rainbow Dash.

Twilight with Dash ran the train to Canterlot. Dash wanted to know where they were going, but Twilight was silent.

She just said that they were going to Canterlot, you idiot! What do you mean you don’t know where you are going?! Also, are they driving the train? I guess when you’re a princess that automatically makes you capable of doing anything.

They arrive at Canterlot, in the hopes of finding a stallion for Rainbow Dash.

They went into one of the houses. When they went into it, Dash saw her friend's horse.

Wait, Twilight owns a horse? Huh… I guess slavery isn’t abolished in Equestria. I’m going to have to look into that.

Twilight comes to the house of Shining Armor, even though by this point in the series it is established that Shining Armor lives in the Crystal Empire, but whatever. And Twilight asks…

"I want to help his girlfriend fall in love with horses."

Wait, isn’t Cadence his wife? And for that matter why would Twilight be asking Shining Armor to help Cadence fall in love with a horse when she is already married to one?!

Sir, I believe that the author is trying to indicate that Twilight Sparkle is asking Shining Armor to help Rainbow Dash obtain a boyfriend.

Are you a reviewer of stories?

I am not.

Then, let the professionals handle this, baby. Now, where was I?

Shining Armor response

"I do with it?"

I don’t know what he’s supposed to be doing with what, but I’m pretty sure I’d be asking the same question.

Dash obeyed and did what I told her friend. She held in her hooves, trying to pull, but it was useless and the plant is the only Shining.

Okay, what? So, Shining Armor is a plant now? Ugh, this is making my brain hurt. Also, I didn’t know penis’s had hooves. Apparently, in this story they do. I wonder how long it will be before they start talking to the characters. Considering this story, would anyone be surprised if they went that route?

Also, Rainbow Dash seems to be trying to rip it off Shining’s body. And Shining Armor doesn’t have any kind of reaction? Not even an ow? What is Cadence doing to him that he would have no feeling down there?

So, Cadence walks in and Twilight freaks out that Shining didn’t tell her about his wife.

You were his best mare, you idiot! How could you not remember your own brother’s wedding to the mare that took care of you when you were little and was literally your only best friend for many years?! Why the hell does everybody hate Cadence?!

So, after they failed to make Rainbow Dash fall in love with Shining Armor, one of the stupidest ideas I’ve ever heard, they decide to go to Pinkie Pie for advice. Wait, why the hell would they go to Pinkie Pie? Whatever.

So they go to Pinkie Pie for help and… Pinkie Pie sticks a lollipop up her… vagina?

Good fucking god!

So… after … that… They decided to go and seek Applejack for help. Applejack… puts honey on her brother’s… oh, dear lord. How much longer is this story?!

Rainbow Dash does it, but says she prefers to be with Applejack.

She tried to make her mouth nice Macintosh, but, apparently, it is not a factory.

What the fuck does that even mean?! Are we still in Gainbow Dash or have we switch to Rainbow Factory?! At this point, I can’t tell which!

Applejack looked at her and said,

"Hold your pony, Sally. You have to love the horse."

"I can not! I used to love the fillies."

Oh, my god! Rainbow Dash has been molesting Scootaloo! Officers arrest that pervert for sexually assaulting a minor!

They go to Rarity’s for the same damn thing and Rainbow Dash sucks on her horn… Ewww…

It has already been satisfied, and there is no Dash.

Apparently, Dash is no more. Now there is only… Um… Gainbow Dash? I don’t know, it makes about as much sense as everything else.

"Twilight! Suck horn

Oh, that’s my new insult now!

SUCK HORN, EVIL DOER!

So, the two go home where Twilight comes up with another idea…

In the house it came to Fluttershy.

It came to her, watching her as she shivered in her bed. She attempted to scream, but found throat was paralyzed as somepony was choking her. She could see the darkened shape in the shadows, but could barely make out any part of its body. Only two yellow eyes that pierced the darkness as they glared at her.

… What? I got bored.

"She's tough, she does not like horses."

"Maybe it will help the little animals?"

Fluttershy, are you saying that Rainbow Dash should have intercourse with animals?! Holy hell, you are one sick bastard!

Oh… Fluttershy… I didn’t mean it… It’s this story… It’s making us all look bad… Don’t cry… I didn’t mean it…

God damnit… This is why I don’t have any friends.

So Fluttershy exits the scene after Rainbow Dash and Twilight send her away. I guess, Fluttershy knew this piece of shit was going nowhere and decided to bail while she still had the chance.

And then… Lord Jesus Christ, this piece of shitstorm is not over yet! Anyway, Twilight and Rainbow Dash start banging each other, although lord knows why we should be surprised at this point sense every scene in this damn thing has been the same damn thing!

And then a mysterious stranger appears out of nowhere… Okay… You want to explain who this person is? How he or she got there? Why they are there? What they want? Where they came from?

Aw, fuck it. Let’s just get this over with.

But unknown filly was busy and enjoyable to answer but could not.

Okay… I’m going to try and be as tact and professional as I can… Um… You have a small, tiny, minuscule, little, itty-bitty, microscopic, YOU ARE FUCKING HAVING SEX WITH A MINOR, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!

I don’t know the laws in Russia about having sex with minors, but that’s not exactly a comforting image! And it’s all throughout the entirety of the freaking story!

So apparently this new character named Rainy. God dear lord… Rainbow Dash chooses her to be her lifelong mate. This pony who comes straight the fuck out of nowhere, with no rhyme or reason and Rainbow Dash has known for all of 1 minute! One fucking minute!

Bull shit!

While Dash was talking to a new friend, the bar broke Spitfire.

Holy shit! I was not expect that! But I’ll take it! At least, somepony is being punished for what you did to a little delayed from school!

So Spitfire finds out that Rainbow Dash is a lesbian and says this…

"Tomorrow, I'll let you know about this Princess Celestia!"

Is she talking to Princess Celestia in the same room? They are at a fucking gay bar! If Princess Celestia is there, then she is obviously gay too! I don’t think she’s going to care if Rainbow Dash is gay or not! Oh, thank God, we’re almost to the end.

So it is revealed that a little delayed from school revealed the location of the gay bar to the Wonderbolts and Rainbow Dash takes it pretty damn well.

"I was watching behind your flight and clop, but you did not notice."

Wait, a little delayed from school was watching Rainbow Dash having sex with others?! Kid, get some help! Seriously?! THAT IS FUCKING MESSED UP!

When they opened my eyes, I noticed that they were not at home.

Wait, this whole story was in third person … and now it suddenly switches to first person? Consistency! You suck at it!

So apparently during the night Rainbow Dash was abducted by the Wonderbolts and taken to a cell where they force a little delayed from school to… Oh, dear lord. Is there no lows that this author will not sink to?!

And after that… they just let them go… Okay… Let the ponies go that could probably tell Princess Celestia about how you are forcing minors to have sex with older ponies. Yeah, I’m sure that will go over well.

But it’s okay, cause it turns out that Spitfire is also a lesbian and just needs to be pleasured by Rainbow Dash… Woopty fucking doo!

We then get this…

Dash felt that if someone loves you for who you are, then that's fine. She will always remember that there are those who always loves you, how or what you were not, or was not.

Are you fucking kidding me?!

That is your half-ass lesson at the end of the story! Are you fucking kidding me?! Was this supposed to be for little kids or something?! Are you out of your fucking mind?!

This isn’t for little kids! This isn’t even for humanity! This could never be considered literature!

Do I even need to explain what is wrong with this story? Not really. It’s pretty self-explanatory. The characters are just sex objects and act nothing like their counterparts. The plot is incredibly stupid and cliché even by fan fiction standards. The random character at the end of the story has no fucking purpose, other than to be the author’s sexual desires for Rainbow Dash. The sex takes up way too much of the story for me to give a shit about it.

Am I forgetting anything? Oh, yes. How could I forget? THE FUCKING GRAMMAR FOR THIS!

It is some of the worst I have ever seen. Period. I cannot believe how un-fucking-readable it is. God, I have seen 3 year olds with a better concept of sentence structure than this! If you take anything from this, take this, Google Translator does not equal the perfect or even a good, reliable translator. If you do, you will end up with this hunk of shit!

Have a great day guys. As for me? I need a shower.

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The monitor flashed in front of the three horned unicorn as he stared at the lone earth pony speaking of the shower he needed after his recent review. The three horned unicorn glared at the unsuspecting pony who continued to go about his day as if nothing was wrong.

“Master,” a voice came from behind him. The three horned unicorn turned to see a winged unicorn bowing to him. His brown eyes looked up to him. “Are you sure this is the one that threatens us?”

The three horned unicorn gazed back at the screen as the pony started to complain and whine about his shower being too hot or cold. The three horned unicorn shook his head and cringed at the mere sight of such an insignificant creature. A creature that should not be considered a threat. And yet… “Yes, my apprentice,” he snarled. “He is a very severe threat.”

The apprentice rose from his spot on the floor and made his way beside his master. “I do not understand, master.” He raised his eyebrow and gave his master a look of disbelief. “How can someone as stupid as this-“ he pointed to the screen “-be a threat to our plans?”

The three horned unicorn turned to him and gave a heavy sigh. “Because he can identify us. And that makes him very dangerous.”

A third voice appeared from the shadows. “Yeah, can’t have him ratting us out, now can we?” A blue Pegasus appeared out of the darkness of the room.

“Show your respect, Thunder Ice!” the apprentice snapped as his eyes met with the Pegasus. “You stand before the Grand Ruler himself!”

Thunder Ice chuckled. “Chill, Lightning.” He laughed, if only for a moment. “If you’ll pardon the pun. I’m respectful, I just do it in my own way.” He trotted up with a sly smile on his face.

Lightning’s only response was a baneful glare towards the slightly smaller stallion before him.

“So, this is the guy we want to kill, huh?” Thunder Ice asked, leaning against the wall just across from the monitor.

The Grand Ruler turned towards Thunder and nodded. “Yes and I am sending you, Lightning, to deal with him.” He said as he turned towards his young apprentice.

Thunder stood straight quickly as his jaw dropped. “Woah, big guy! You want to send this loser to take first dibs?!”

Lightning growled at those words. He took a step towards Thunder, glaring at him. “I’m strong enough to take you down!”

Thunder chortled. “Yeah, right. You don’t even have any powers!”

Lightning stood up proudly and posed his chest straight out. “I have the power of the Uniforce and the Rainbow Rod!”

Thunder shook his head. “Yeah, but what good do those do you when you aren’t facing a creature of darkness?” A jolt of electricity flew through the air and into Thunder’s body. His eyes started to glow bright white. “I have the power of real lightning, Lightning!” More bolts shot from Thunder’s hooves as he took a step forward glaring at his taller opponent.

“Enough!” the Grand Ruler’s booming voice roared over them, echoing throughout the tiny room. The bolts of lightning dissipated into Thunder’s body, leaving the room as dark as it was before, save for the monitor that illuminated enough of the room to make out the shapes within.

He turned towards them. “Lightning is more than trained enough to handle this simpleton.” He smiled towards Lightning. “After all, you are my star pupil.”

Lightning took to a knee and lowered his head, closing his eyes. “I’m your only pupil, master.”

He could hear Thunder mockingly mimicking him under his breath, but out of respect for his Grand Ruler, he chose to ignore it.

“Good,” the Grand Ruler stated. “Now, prepare for your task.”

Lightning got up from the floor and made his way to the exit without another word.

The Grand Ruler retook his spot in front of the monitor, carefully watching the reviewer as he continued to complain about his monotonous life. Do not worry, my young friend. Soon your monotonous life will be over.