Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

Thanks to last week’s attack on my life, the library has been left in a state of destruction. And it was totally not my fault. I don’t ask for psychos to come and attack me and do property damage!

So, Computer and several contractors are working on the building. Unfortunately, that means I have to stay in an apartment building for a little while. But that won’t stop me from doing what I hate. Reading shitty stories.

So, let’s dig into Celestia’s Brothers by CaptainSanchez

I’ve already talked about how I feel about OC princes that are related to Celestia and Luna for no reason in the Lost Prince review two weeks ago. So I won’t go into much deatil there. However, I will say that it can work. That I believe with the right pony writing the story, it will work. But 90% of the time it doesn’t. And we’ll find out why this one is of that 90%.

One of the things I will point out in this story before we get started is the image. I don’t normally talk about them, but for this story I feel like I need to point out something. If you look at the image…

You can see that it was created on Pony Creator. Now, I’m not against this, personally. There are some of us who can’t do art and have a hard time finding the right artwork to properly tell the cover we want. Hell, the Longest Night was a custom cover art that I made. (At least until HudsonHawk did a custom art for me. Send him your love)

However, most ponies tend to frown on these kinds of artwork and most automatically assume that the story is going to be bad just because of the cover art. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t use the Pony Creator to help you with artwork nor am I saying that a story automatically is bad because of it; I’m saying that it’s something that pushes readers away and just something to be aware of.

Oh, don’t get me wrong. This story sucks.

Long ago, before the rise of Nightmare Moon or the Rule of Discord, Two Alicorns were born.

Born out of the sky’s vagina, as all alicorns are.

Yes, odd as it seems, the Alicorn brothers that would rule the land and sea came along before Celestia and Luna.

Yes, the sun and moon didn’t rise or set in those days. Making one half of the world a complete desert, while the other was a frozen wasteland.

The introduction tells us of the two alicorn brothers, Terrestrion and Aquinus. For sake of the names, I’m calling them “Terra” and “Aqua” respectively.

God, I wish.

The two decide to isolate themselves from everypony for different reasons.

Aquinus thought his work would be too demanding, as he would have to rule all of the planet's water continuously.

Because it’s not like there might be any water based intelligent life forms that could record his efforts or whatever. That’d be just stupid. Also, we see later that he lives on an island, making this even more stupid.

Terrestrion's reasons were quite different, as he feared that he would inadvertently use his powers to kill thousands.

Even though earthquakes happen all the time. Where do you think mountains come from?! Unless we are going off Greek mythology’s explanation of how they were formed, but that makes even less sense here!

Each of the siblings had this Fear on some level.

It turned out on weekends the two brothers liked to play subpar first person shooter games that relied mostly on jump scares rather than atmosphere. Or at least the third installment, where the co-op was actually viable.

Celestia and Luna remember them well, though, despite not having seen them in two millennia.

Even though it’s never mentioned when Celestia and Luna came into the picture, how they came into the picture, what the reaction was to them coming into the picture, or any kind of thing that two brothers would react having learned they have two baby sisters. And there is never mentioned a mother, so I guess the sky does just pops out alicorns whenever it wants.

Celestia recently sent her brothers invitations to Luna's birthday party, as a means of both sharing a happy occasion with them, but reuniting the siblings after millennia apart.

I’m having a really hard time with this sentence. Why is there a ‘but’ in this? It seems like reuniting the siblings after a millennium is a bad thing, but we aren’t exactly told how or why. There wasn’t any argument or debate that we are made aware. In fact as far as we know, their relationship was cartoonishly-perfect. Which makes sense of course, this is still a kid’s show.

Anyway, after the introduction, our story starts proper with Terra, who is living in Zebrica.

He ruled over the planet's rock and dirt; really, that didn't entail very much. An earthquake here, a new volcano there, he had almost nothing to do but dream.

I’m so compassionate I create earthquakes all over the place and destroy property that probably took them a while to build. I also create volcanos where ponies live just to fuck with them. I’m the loving one of the brothers!

Also, do mountains and volcanoes just pop up like weeds in this story? Because I’m pretty sure that process can take several thousand years. Of course, it is magic, so I guess I’ll let it slide.

What I won’t let slide is the fact that he says he doesn’t do much. Yeah, all those crystals and gemstones just appear out of the sky too! Even though, they are components of the Earth, created by the earth! Even ignoring that, where do you think steel comes from?! Components of the earth like iron or carbon! You know what else carbon can do under intense heat and extreme pressure? (Conditions that deep within the earth would give you)

Make diamonds!

And you don’t have anything to do? Do you even know the limits of your powers?! You say that you have control over the earth! And don’t tell me you can’t do those things! According to your own lore, you can make mountains appear out of nowhere!

On top of that, weren't you the one who isolated yourself to make sure nopony was hurt?! Then why are you making earthquakes and volcanoes?! I'm pretty sure ponies died to those things or were driven out of their homes! Consistency? You'll soon find out that this story doesn't know what the word means.

He talks about how he knows that Luna is on the moon and how he hasn’t interacted with any pony in two millennia.

No. You read correctly. He hasn’t interacted with anypony in 2000 years and he knows that Luna is on the moon! This does take place in present day Equestria, doesn’t it?! How is it that he even knows about Luna’s condition if he hasn’t talked to anypony in 2000 years?! And yes, I know it does say that Celestia does know where he is, but there is never any mention of communication between them!

Did the rocks just tell him? Can he communicate with the dirt or something?

As he wallows in self-pity, one of Luna’s Night Guards comes to his cave and invites him to Luna’s birthday party. I’ve got to say, the Night Guard, named Nightshade, seems to be taking the fact that Luna and Celestia have brothers that are never mentioned, controls the earth and sea, and have been considered myths by this point pretty damn well. He doesn’t even act mildly surprised that one even exists.

Though to be fair, an OC alicorn is less impressive than a bowl of oatmeal.

"I'd love to come, but could you please lead me there? I haven't left this cave for anything but food in centuries; I don't think I remember where to go. Also, I can barely remember how to talk. Could you reteach me the modern form of Equestrian?"

Yes, I cannot speak. Even though I have carried on a full conversation with you and am speaking to you right now in a modern form of Equestrian that not even Luna was able to grasp right away. I’m so tortured!

And then we get a full description of what Terra looks like. From the top of his horn to the tips of his hooves. It’s a good thing Nightshade gets the same treatment. Otherwise, I’d think that the author was playing favorites. Ha, ha, ha. Oh wait, Nightshade doesn’t and the author is playing favorites.

We then cut to Aqua who is described as regally as his brother. Look, describing what your characters look like isn’t a bad thing, but make sure you do it for all the characters that play a pivotal role in your story if you do this. Otherwise, it comes off as pretentious.

His     tenure alone on his small island had left him feeling very alone,

My loneliness makes me feel lonely! Redundancy?! What’s that?!

Also, he’s told to be the fun loving one of the brothers. And he shows us this by… isolating himself on an island? … Yeah, I think the author missed his character trait a little.

So, Aqua has kept ‘busy’ in his isolation, as he apparently has two sons. Did he actually mate with a mare or did the sky just give him two sons out of pity and boredom?

However, it turns out that one of his sons left to live with Celestia while the other acts as a maid for him. I’m not even kidding either; this is what happens when Celestia’s royal guard comes to invite him to Luna’s birthday party.

"Tydall!" he called out, "prepare food, we have company!"

A prince who has no servants or anypony else to tend to him except his son. This is a sad existence.

The guard asks Aqua to come to the party and Aqua agrees since his son is old enough to control the tides himself. Tydall will never be mentioned again and his only purpose was to make sure that Aqua could go to the party, even though there are a million different ways that it could happen that weren’t completely forced like this. That’s well-crafted storytelling for you. Not that the other son makes much of a difference in the story either, so what the hell was the point of mentioning him? He actually doesn’t even appear in the story! Why would you mention him if he’s not going to play a role in the story?!

Chekhov’s gun! I’m going to use it on your face!

We start our next chapter and wow… The author has completely given up. In the first chapter, he actually practices proper spacing between sentences. In this chapter, however,

A wall of text with no separation in them whatsoever. God, he doesn’t even start a new sentence when somepony else talks. Yes, we haven’t even ended chapter 2 yet and already the author has thrown up his hands and said, “Screw it, I don’t care.”

In Canterlot, Celestia is excited about the reunion with her brothers…

Terrie was always so caring, and Nuss was always so incredibly happy!

Terrie? And Nuss? … Those are the dumbest names in the history of dumb names! Okay, Terrie is decent at best, but Nuss? Nuss?! Fucking Nuss? What, was Aqua not stupid enough for you?!

She prepares with how she wants to present herself, but then we get this line…

After twenty minutes of intense indecision, she realized that her brothers would probably like it more if she just dressed as she normally did: a crown, some shoes, and a necklace.

So, that scene with her wanting to dress herself up for her brothers was completely pointless. Oh, good, I was almost interested in seeing Celestia in a dress.

Now, that’s something I can get behind! In more ways than one.

I deserve that.

We then cut to Terra and Nightshade who are just arriving at Canterlot. Nightshade tells Terra about what Celestia had told him and that he used to be a kind and loving prince. But now…

The Alicorn he was traveling with was an incredibly focused individual that seemed to harbor an intense hatred for other ponies.

When did you find that out?

When did you find that out?

It’s a simple question. At what point in your journey did you discover that he has a hatred for other ponies? Was it when he asked you to teach him how to speak even though he clearly knew how? Is it because he treated you with respect when you reached his home? Is it when you arrived at Canterlot with no evidence of such accusations to hold any water?! Or are you just jumping to conclusions?!

I’m sorry! I don’t buy it! If he’s supposed to be harboring hatred for other ponies, than why treat this one with respect?! Why treat this pony any different than the other ponies you supposedly hate?! I’m not saying that it’s okay to hate, but this story makes it sound like he’s supposed to be vengeful and yet, we never see that! We never see any evidence that this is what he is supposed to be!

We then cut to Silver and Aqua, who are also arriving in Canterlot. Aqua asks why Silver was chosen and Silver response that he has a personality just like him. Because she just happens to have royal guards that remind her of her brother’s personalities. Hey, it makes more sense than anything else in this story.

Aquinus was puzzled, so he replied with, "But you've done nothing but crack jokes the entire trip!"

Silver laughed even harder, saying, "And you haven't laughed once!

Welcome to my life.

Also, what jokes?! We never heard any jokes! Are these the kinds of jokes he’s telling?!

Silver: Why did the Scootaloo cross the road? To get to the cutie mark on the other side!

Aqua: No. Not funny.

Silver: How do you make Apple Pie? Easy, just ship Applejack and Pinkie Pie together.

Aqua: Nothing.

Silver: How many Celestias does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, she’d just raise the sun.

Aqua:  It’s not that I don’t have a sense of humor. It’s just that your jokes suck.

Silver: No respect. No respect at all.

Celestia is starting to panic as she awaits the arrival of her brothers. When suddenly,

Could it be? She looked up. She saw two of the reddest circles on the planet, surrounded by a field of blue. It is!

Celestia: The McRib has returned! Everypony rejoice!

Celestia was so thrilled, her face lit up like, uh, a Hearth's Warming tree?  She even squee'd, and Princesses don't squee. Not. Ever.

Princesses are not allowed to have these ‘emotions’ like other ponies do. They’re not allowed to feel anything or be ‘normal’.

And then we… Oh dear lord. He’s actually trying again! Spacing out his sentences! I’m not mad that he’s actually doing it right! I’m mad that he’s got no consistency! It’s like he’s juggling back and forth between caring and not caring! It’s actually kind of fascinating!

Too bad I can’t say the say the same thing for the rest of the story.

Terra is taken aback by the town’s reaction, asking if it is normal for them to act this way. Nightshade explains that the town is simply in awe about two new alicorns in Canterlot.

Pfft, please. OC alicorns are a dime a dozen. Now, OC earth ponies, those are a rare thing.

Terrestrion groaned. I hate to admit it, but he's right. I need to reconnect with the public if I want them to stop looking at me like that. Well, only one thing I can do now.

Yes, my hatred for all ponies that has never been shown and will never been shown must be conquered if I am to reconnect with all the ponies.

"Nightshade, we're getting donuts!", he said, in as heroic a manner as possible.

Terra: COME COMRADS! LET US JOURNEY TO THE LAND OF PASTRY GOODS WHERE OUR HUNGER MAY BE SATIATED THIS DAY! AND WOE BE TO THOSE WHO WOULD STAY IN OUR WAY!

Nightshade: Um… it’s just a donut shop…

Terra: SILENCE! OUR ENEMIES COME! HAVE AT THEE, STOP SIGN!

Nightshade explains that the donut shop is closed and that they should be getting to the castle of Canterlot anyway.

Nightshade was still struggling to keep pace with the Prince. Hey, you try keeping up with somepony whose legs are longer than your torso.

Did… the story just break the fourth wall? … Does the story… know I’m reading it?

Terrestrion looked at Nightshade, surprised. It's Thursday? Hm, interesting.

Why is that interesting? … Do you hate Thursdays or something? Granted, its legit, but what’s so interesting about Thursday?

Anyway, they make their way through the town and meet up with Prince Shining Armor and Princess Cadance. Oh good, two more characters that have as much relevance to the plot as I do.

Cadance is at first hesitant to trust this strange stallion who randomly walks up to her and gives her a creepy smile, for some reason. However, Terra explains that he is her uncle and she seems to take it rather well.


 "Uncle Terrie! I'm SOOO happy to finally meet you!" Cadence said, squeezing even harder.

Princesses are not allowed to have emotions! Burn her at the stake!

Geez, guys! It was a joke! No need to take it personally.

She then hugged him. Not a big deal, you think? Well, you try being the Princess of Love and hugging an uncle that you never met without squeezing too hard. Not easy, is it?

Are you talking to me, book? Because I’m not sure whether to find this creepy, badly written, or both?

And then Cadance starts acting really wildly excited. Like really excited. Like Pinkie Pie excited. So excited it would make a Teletubby vomit.

"You're gonna have so much fun catching up with everypony! Auntie Tia's going to be so happy you made it, and Auntie Lulu is gonna be even happier that her favorite brother made it home, and--" She stopped to gasp for breath and continued. "You haven't met my husband, have you?" Cadence released her uncle, and before he could catch his breath, shoved him closer to Shining Armor. "Shining Armor, Uncle Terrie. Uncle Terrie, Shining Armor! So Uncle Terrie, how long will you be staying at the Castle? I hope you stay for a while, Auntie Lulu would be just SOOOO happy!" said Cadence, with so much joy that it would probably make a Teletubby vomit. Yes, I went there.

Book? Are you okay?

Fuck you!

AHH!

*throws the book and runs*

… What the hell?

Your mother sucks cocks in hell!

Oh, god… *dials his cellphone*

Come on, pick up.

Sir, what is it?

Computer, I think the book I’m reading is possessed by the devil.

Sir, are we really going through this? Again?

No! This isn’t like the time I lied about My Little Unicorn being possessed by Satan so that I wouldn’t have to read it! It really is possessed by the devil!

Or the time you read Wonderfall, Cameron’s Ponyville Misadventures, or Soren the Alicorn?

Or the Lottery. Point is, Computer, I need your help!

Sir, I am a little busy at the moment. I’m afraid your hallucinations can wait.

Computer! *clicks* Bitch…

You will die, my little pony!

What do I do? What do I do? Who do I call? Got it! *dials the phone*

*A stallion arrives at the door*

Wow, that was fast.

Your book is possessed.

Yes, father. I need your help on this!

Good, because I’m going to need your help on this.

My help? What do you need me to do?

You need to continue your review.

Continue the review?

Yes. This is a critic demon. A demon that can only be dispelled with a review. Now I can help, but only a review can stop it.

*The stallion doses the book in holy water.*

Okay, then… On with the review I guess…

*picks up the book*

Celestia ends up meeting with Aqua.

Celestia had noticed the change in Aquinus almost immediately. There was a whole different air about him now. She didn't realize the extent of his personality change, however, as being around her awoke the flicker of joy he still had.

In what way? Celestia never mentions how Aqua is different. He just is! And we’re supposed to believe it!

Yeah, because that’s the sign of a good writer!

Prince Terra walks into the room with the two and suddenly…

Fuck him! Fuck him, Critique!

Is he going to be interrupting me throughout the review?

Probably.

That’s not going to get annoying at all.

So, it turns out that the brothers aren’t on very good terms. How do we know this? Because the story fucking tells us! No, seriously! This story treats us like we couldn’t understand it! So, instead of treating its audience like intelligent ponies, it just fucking tells us!

You see, the twins hadn't parted on the best of terms...

It turns out the twins were trying to outdo each other for years. Trying to impress the other. However, after a heated argument, about probably nothing, their father, Chronos, asks them not to fight one another or it could mean the end of the world. He also says that if they do, that’s totally chill. Don’t believe me? Take a look at this.

"My sons," he said in his deep, caramel voice. "Are you certain that I cannot persuade you to cease this course of action? It will not end well."

I could probably stop what you two are doing, but honestly, seeing two Alicorns fighting would be awesome!

Anyway, Cosmia, the mother apparently, asks Chronos to reconsider, but Chronos says he can’t interfere since he knows everything that is going to happen and can’t risk destroying the time stream.

He tells Cosmia of a single event that would bring devastation to the world and honestly, if you’re lost, you’re not the only one.

Basically, from what I can gather is that, Terra and Aqua both want to be top alicorn and they have been bickering for years about who is best pony. They have been harboring hatred for one another and that when they are reunited, they will begin fighting, which will devastate the world.

I think that’s what it’s supposed to be, but honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was actually about Terra wanting the last slice of pizza, but Aqua got to it first.

Terra and Aqua look like they’re about to go at it when all of the sudden…

"SISTER! HOW GOES THINE SUN LOWERING, AND--"

Christ! Why does every story with Luna have to do the royal voice thing?!

Luna appears and worries for her brothers.

She had long known that had the Nightmare Moon incident was as much more due to her anger at never being able to see Terrie again than it was ponies not appreciating the night.

Um… Pardon?

She had long known that had the Nightmare Moon incident was as much more due to her anger at never being able to see Terrie again than it was ponies not appreciating the night.

… Are going to interrupt me on this one?

No! That was too stupid, even for me!

Goodie… BUUUUUUUUULLL SHIIIIIIIIIIIT!

What is this?! Upside down world?! The reason, the WHOLE REASON, why Luna became Nightmare Moon was because of her jealousy of the sun being loved more than her nights! Not because “I miss my brother”!

Good God, not even the canon is consistent in this story! First, the writing itself, then the characters of Aqua and Terra, and now not even Luna’s backstory is not even consistent with the canon of the series!

And I checked the tags guys! This isn’t an alternate universe story! This is supposed to fit within the show itself! But how can it be when you throw away the set up from the show?! I’m not above ponies exploring the different levels that Luna had to go through to get to that point, but changing it completely?! Are you high?!

Also, the story says that the brothers were in isolation for 1000 years before Luna was banished to the moon! Was she just bottling her anger towards that for 1000 years?! Did she never think to look for them or ask Celestia where they were?! Celestia obviously knew where they were, otherwise, why would they be here in the first place?!

On top of that, when the fucking hell did this story establish that Luna had a close relationship with her brothers?! We never see anything that the brothers do with Luna that would suggest the relationship was strong! So, even if I buy this bullshit, it holds no weight because we don’t relate to Luna’s loss. If we had actual scenes where Luna interacted with her brothers to show how important they are to her, there might have actually been something! But no, this story doesn’t give a shit! And if it can’t give a shit, why should the audience?! It’s a lame, stupid, idiotic story that has no place on this website except to waste our fucking time!

So I’m sure you’re all ‘begging’ for what this story throws at us next. If you said the ending, I feel you.

It turns out that Terra and Aqua are unable to look into each other’s eyes because of a curse that was casted by Cosmia’s sister…

Yeah, sounds stupid to me too.

That is, until their eyes met. When they were young, a traveling sister of Cosmia's had put a Curse on them as a punishment for interrupting her writ ing.

Sorry, I don’t know what writ ing is. Is it the same as pain ting? Or coo king?

Celestia and Luna agree to talk to their parents to see what they can do about lifting the curse.

We then get an attempt to add some humor to the story. You ready? Because it’s pretty good.

And then everything died. Pinkie Pie smashed Mare-iam Webster, then gave Sombra a death-Threat. Odd, considering that they had all died already, but then the Grand Duchess Fausticorn descended from the heavens, lifted the curse, and un-wrote this whole chapter.

Ha, ha, ha, it’s not only funny because this chapter was a complete waste of time, but apparently Pinkie Pie somehow survived the everything died thing and was able to smash a dictionary. Something this story really could have used. Isn’t that ironic?

Not to mention stupid.

So apparently, Luna and Celestia are able to calm them down or break the curse, or whatever, I don’t know, if you still care, you should hit yourself in the head more times.

However, it now turns out that the years of isolation not only changed their personalities (not that we are ever shown that), but changed their molecular structure!

Yeah, it’s pretty much here that the author just doesn’t give a shit anymore. So, why should I?

After a few days pass, what went on between those days are not important to the story, as the story clearly points out to us, they decided to meet <gulp> their parents.

Well, not really a solution, more like an option with a chance of success. They had to contact… <gulp> their Parents.

Pretty sure I just did that joke.

So, the narrator then gets into an argument with the audience, (which is strange seeing how an audience doesn’t exist for this story) and gets us back on track after some unfunny humor. Of course, it if was humor, it would actually be funny!

So, they manage to get to their father, Chrono. However, he says that things are becoming WORSE!

So, they try to stop the event, some stupid jokes are thrown throughout this thing and we finally end this story with it all being made up by some stupid pony, all for a lame punchline.

And with that, Rocky left the room, making sure to bring the book and turn out his sister's light. Nopony knew where the book had come from, only that it was all that remained of a lost world.

Until today where it ended up here.

This story is incomplete! Fuck me hard!

Well…

It’s not working! You have to finish the story!

What?! There is nothing to finish! That’s it! It doesn’t continue from there!

Something’s wrong! It should have ended!

You ponies will never be rid of me!

It’s the ending…

*The room shakes violently. Cracks form into the walls and doorway.*

It’s the ending that compels you…

The ending that compels you! The ending that compels you!

*A scratch forms in the book as it floats off the desk.*

The ending that compels you! The ending that compels you!

You son of a bitch! Have a proper ending! Have a proper ending!

*Critique grabs the book from the air and struggles with it*

Have a proper ending! Have a proper ending!     The ending that compels you! The ending that compels you!

*Critique throws the book out the window as it topples into the street. The two ponies look out the window to see a stream of blood coming from the book.*

Well, that was easy.

What are you talking about?

We won. We beat the devil.

By throwing him out a window?

What? It’s how it happened in the Exorcist.

You’re not a real priest, are you?

Nope, just got it at a costume shop.

So, who the hell are you?

Maybe someday I’ll tell you. Until then, have an Element of Honest.

Wait, I’m the Element of Honesty?

No! That’s be stupid! That’s just a replica. Bye, now!

*The stallion leaves where he entered.*

Who the hell was that?! Whatever…

So, how does this story hold up? Horribly!

For what it could have been, there was some decent ideas floating around and in the hands of a decent writer, they probably could have turned out okay. The idea of two alicorns fighting is always good, the fact that they are the kings of the earth and sea could have led to some interesting ideas and it might have worked if they ended up hating each other and needed the guidance of friendship.

What we end up with is a story that doesn’t really care what it is. It starts out trying to make something, but as it goes on, the author ends up clearly not caring about what he posts. He just types, posts it and hopes it doesn’t get flames.

There’s a difference between being a troll fic and just not caring. A troll fic doesn’t care from start to finish and virtually offers nothing. A story that doesn’t care has something that might be interesting, but just doesn’t care enough to jump on it, or even notice that it has something worth talking about.

And that’s just sad. It’s a sad little story that slowly degenerates into a troll fic, with almost nothing redeemable about it.

And that’s all I’ve got on this one. Hopefully, we’ll be back in the library by next week and we can just forget that whole demon possessed book ever happened. Have a good day guys.