Author’s Note: Before we begin, I’ve been meaning to mention my new Skype account. I have no idea how to work the thing and frankly I don’t really spend a lot of time on it, but it is a really fast and convenient way to get in touch with me if you need to, since I don’t really spend that much time on FIMFiction for one reason or another. The name is, of course, Fireemblemspider and if you want to invite me as a friend, feel free to do so. Or if you’d rather ignore this part of the text, that’s fine too.

Warning: This review contains vulgar language. Viewer discretion is advised.

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique. And welcome to another edition of my reviews. The reason why you are all here is because you want to hear me rant and rave about a new story in my library. And boy, do I have a special surprise for you all. This one travels around with a human character and his journey to Equestria. Again, this is a human going to Equestria story. I give you permission to roll your eyes and groan now, although some of you have probably already done so.

Personally, I don’t have a problem with these kinds of stories. I am under the belief that any story can work well if the right pony is writing it or coming up with ideas. The problem with most of these stories is that the wrong pony is writing it and this pony, whether on purpose or not, does not know what makes a solid, three dimensional character.

And creating new characters that appeal to so many can be difficult sometimes. I myself have struggled in this department. As of yet, I have heard of no wrongs with my own characters, but that could be just because the right author hasn’t come around to tell me otherwise. But I’m not here to talk about my piece of shit stories, just everypony else’s… Does that seem hypocritical to you?

Anyway, the story we are here to talk about is called The Exile of Daimon by Dillena Monger

It’s a story about redemption and how Daimon (yes, it is our main character, I’ll be getting to him in a minute) achieves it. The story of redemption is nothing new. Main character either has a troubled past or has made some past mistakes that he was not proud of that either had immediate consciences or something that came back to bite him in the ass.

However, the redemption part of the story can be undermined if the character isn’t relatable or is just downright unlikable.

Yes, much like that terrible Adam Sandler movie I hate… Although that’s not saying much since I hate all Adam Sandler movies.

Anyway, if the character is too unlikeable, it is hard to sympathize with the character and if the audience doesn’t care about the character, the final redemption at the end doesn’t work. But will Daimon have better luck than Sandler? Well, let’s dig into Exile of Daimon and find out.

Again, if there are those of you want to read this before reading this review, there are spoilers. So I urge you to turn back. As for the rest of you…

The story starts with the glorification of Daimon. He is described to us as a smart, athletic, and perfect skinned boy, who can make any girl faun over him with but a thought. Yep, in the first sentence the author made us aware this is a Mary-Sue like character. Not a good way to start your story.

However, he is said to have flaws as a person, being a prankster on some people or just beating somebody up for no good reason.

He ‘accidently’, as the story puts it, kicks a kid in the back of the head during class. And the kid says nothing.

If they are in a classroom, then why the hell doesn’t one to of the students shout out that Daimon is being an asshole again and standing up on a chair?! Last I checked, teachers didn’t allow kids to stand up on their chairs for two reasons:

1: It’s called being a mature adult! If this kid is as old as the author says he is, there is no reason why he is standing up in his chair, other than to be immature.

2: There is a safety issue! What if Daimon were to fall and crack his head open? (Other than shorting this story) The school would most likely be sued because the teacher failed to take responsibility for the child. Is that fair? No, but it’s what most likely would happen!

Furthermore, he’s kicking a kid in the back of the head! Does the faculty of this school just not care or something?! They must have been getting how to run your school lessons from Flutterhulk.

Anyway, his friend asks him what he is doing after school. When Daimon doesn’t respond, his friend gives him a couple of suggestions.

“There are two very good options. First is this new arcade that opened just down the street,” said one of the three boys surrounding Daimon’s chair. “The other is… this new guy on the other class. He claims to be at our grade, but he likes those girly shows you said made you sick.”

1: “on” the other class? What the hell does that mean? I assume you mean ‘in the other class’, but that doesn’t make much sense either.

2: I don’t think a T.V show can make you sick just by watching it.

Oh, god… I don’t feel so good… I think I just got the flu just from that image…

Daimon then kicks the same kid in the back of the head. Seriously, why are the teachers at schools in these kinds of stories idiots?! Daimon then asks him if it is true that males watch My Little Pony.

The boy replies that he’s heard rumors about it and Daimon flips out that he is starting to be familiar with the characters, thanks to his sister watching the show.

“Maybe it’s time for him to see that they’re nothing more than horses at a girly show…”

Horses “at” a girly show? What is it with you and the word “in”? Did the word “in” kill your parents or something?

And why does this line make me think of this?

Isn’t it nice when a reviewer reminds you that you could be watching another, better, more talented reviewer?

So after class, Daimon and his gang follow the kid who is rumored to like My Little Pony. The gang surrounds the kid and tells him that My Little Pony is just a girly show.

The kid replies…

“It has a proper history, with adventures and battles of its own way!”

What is with the poor literacy in this story?! “Of” its own way?! There is nothing wrong with the word “in”! Try using it of a sentence sometime! … Oh, shit! Now, he’s got me doing it!

So Daimon starts punching the kid repeatedly and tells him that he’s going to keep punching him until his arm get tired. Or you know, you send him to the hospital? This character’s actions are totally justified and completely relatable, wouldn’t you agree?

Yeah, me neither.

The victim (who is so unimportant that he isn’t even given a name) tells Daimon that he is just like Luna in the show.

Wrong. Try again.

The victim says that Daimon is just like Luna’s Nightmare Moon and that he can be saved like she was.

Still wrong. You want to know why? Here’s why. Daimon is being an asshole for the sake of being an asshole! There is no deep, dark hurt that Daimon is going through, other than the fact that is just a selfish, violent bully that has nothing to sympathize with.

Luna felt underappreciated and felt that she didn’t belong. With her sister hogging the spotlight, Luna felt that she was losing a special connection to her best friend and tried to compensate that loss with something else! She was facing the fear that she might never be loved like her sister and that dragged her into a depression that caused her to become Nightmare Moon.

There is no mentioning of Daimon being physically, psychologically, mentally, or spiritually tortured! The only thing that he is “tortured” from is the fact that his little sister watches My Little Pony! Other than that, he doesn’t get in trouble for the shit he does in school or outside it! There are no consequences to his actions!

Daimon knocks the kid out and then leaves him. Can you say lawsuit?

Daimon heads home and finds his little sister, Elisa, on his computer, watching My Little Pony.  He yells at his sister, but his mother asks him to let his little sister watch it. He agrees provided that his little sister wears headphones.

I’ll give this much to Daimon… He’s following what Mr. T said.

Anyway, later that night, Daimon gets a dream… (Seriously, how is it that every time a character goes to Equestria, it’s always in a dream first?) Anyway, in the dream, two alicorns appear. It’s never mentioned who they are and no, it’s not Celestia or Luna.

The two alicorns tell him about how they heard the cries of the boy he beat up and that they’ve come to answer the boy’s call. Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s comforting to the fans of the show that living in poverty or in a dangerous part of the world. I understand that being beat up by someone is a big deal, but doesn’t that seem like a job for your parents or I don’t know, the police! Why do two freaking alicorns have to come to this kid when there are other kids who are probably in a lot worse shape than this guy?! I got beat up several times in school and no alicorns came to save my ass!

The alicorn then shoots the kid in the chest with a ball of light. Damn…  What happened to love and tolerance?

When you’re hurt in a dream you wake up, right?

“Most of times, yes,” said the mare that had hit him.

There are no quotation marks, so I have to assume that the alicorns can read minds. Anyway, the alicorns warn him that if he dies in this dream world, he dies in reality. Daimon, of course, doesn’t believe them. And what does this serve to the plot? I have no fucking idea, since he’s going to wake up and be in Equestria anyway!

The alicorns respond.

“No. I really don’t believe that you wanna to be proven wrong.”

“Wanna?” That’s grade A writing for ya.

So apparently the malevolent alicorns want to punish Daimon and teleport him to the world of Equestria, where he will stay until he learns …

“that his feelings shouldn’t be imposed into others”

What about all the other bad stuff he’s done before that?! They never even mention it! It’s like all the bad stuff he does means nothing, but the second he messes with bronies, he’s a criminal!

Kicking a kid in the back of the head?

Making fun of Luna?

Tormenting someone into doing your homework for you?

Forcing your opinion of a show you’ve only seen a few moments of onto another person?

Priorities? Yours are fucked up!

So he wakes up in a hospital room and the nurse tells him that Luna found him and brought him here.

Daimon freaks out and threatens the nurse with a club he made from a table leg. … Wait what? Since when did he become the freaking Hulk? Did his travel to another world suddenly give him super strength? I know he’s athletic, but I really have a hard time believing this!

Just as he is about to make his escape, Celestia arrives and disarms him. And what is the punishment for his acts of terrorism?

Well, according to that one random kid, he’s just like Luna, so that would make sense.

Anyway, Twilight Sparkle then appears explaining that Daimon has a strange magical force within him. He can conjure magic through each of his appendages, much like a unicorn can with theirs.

… Wait, what?!

How the hell would be he able to use magic?! There was no mention of it prior to this point?! Did traveling to Equestria not only give him super strength, but the abilities of magic as well?! This seems like a really stupid punishment! What’s to stop him from just taking over or just destroying Equestria, since Luna, in her infinite wisdom, decided to give him these powers?! Oh and just til you find out what these “magical powers” lead up to!

God, we are not even done with the first fucking chapter yet!

Anyway, Luna explains that magic doesn’t work in the human world and that’s why his magical powers haven’t arisen yet. … Okay, Luna. What makes Equestria different from Earth that he wouldn’t have access to his magical powers? … No answer. Well, then I’m calling bullshit on this!

Daimon starts yelling at the three, demanding that they send him home. However, Celestia and Luna refuse, saying that they want him to learn the lessons of friendship. Again, there are probably people that are starving to death in the human world and you want to waste time with this asshole! Great plan!

Luna charges Twilight with the responsibility of forcing the change on Daimon. Wait… They just berated him because he was forcing a change on somebody else! And now their plan is to force a change on him?!

Double standards are fun!

Daimon and Twilight were in a train directed to Canterlot. The human sat at the window and watched the scenery roll by. Twilight sat in front of him and seemed quite exited.

Exited? How does one seem exited?! God, get a proofreader!

Anyway, Twilight tries to start a conversation with him, but Daimon says that he’s not interested in friendship with this stupid line.

“Listen here, you,” he turned to face the lavender pony in the eye. “I’m not here to enjoy this ride. I’m not a guy of many friends and I like being myself just the way I am. If you dare to change that, I’ll be sure that your horn stays in somewhere else in no time. Got it?”

First off, you are the most handsome, athletic and smartest kid in school! There is no reason for you not to be popular because of those things, despite you being an asshole! Maybe the author was going for the fact that because you aren’t a good person, you won’t have many friends and that’s fine… But, the last chapter tells us that he could get any girl he wanted with just a flex of his muscles! Not to mention that, nobody acknowledges the bad stuff he does!

Secondly, we are supposed to relate to this guy?! How?! There is nothing there that justifies that him being an asshole! Yeah, he’s trapped in a show that he doesn’t like, but that’s not enough justification to act like a dick!

Third, is it really wise to upset somepony, who is your only chance home?!

Taken aback by the sudden assault at her, Twilight opened her wings as if preparing to fly, but haven’t took off.

God, I really need to stop cutting back to the narration, but it just proves how poorly written this is! I mean, seriously, “haven’t took off”?! Really?!

Twilight tells Daimon that their plan isn’t to change him, but to show him what true friendship is.

That’s not what was said in the last chapter! According to Princess Celestia, you and Fluttershy are to initiate a change onto him! Jesus, its only chapter two and this story is already starting to fall apart! Oh and forget about Fluttershy helping out, she doesn’t even appear in this story, making this completely pointless.

“Friendship… Wanna know what friendship is? It’s only a fancy and beautiful way to say ‘I will support you for the time being so I can have something in return in the long term’,”

How the hell does that translate into what we saw in previous scenes?! In the previous scene, your “supporters” followed you into beating up a kid! They never asked for anything from you and never stabbed you in the back and there was never anything to bring up bad experiences with your friendships! If there had been some sign that this was even brought up, it would be plausible, but there’s nothing to make the audience believe that this is justified other than, “I’m the author and you better believe what I say!”

Stories do not work that way!

Twilight wisely asks why Daimon believes that and Daimon explains that his mother is a very generous woman and that her friends take advantage of that. He says that after his father’s death, he and his little sister tried to take care of their mother.

Daimon says that rainbows and sunshine are just things that appear to mask the terrors of the world at large. And I call bull crap on this. While I do understand that there are ponies who will take advantage of other pony’s kindness, hell, it’s even happened to me, once or twice, that doesn’t make it wrong to help out a person. Yes, I realize that sometimes ponies will take advantage of others, but that doesn’t mean the friendship doesn’t exist! It means that you made friends with the wrong ponies and that is the problem! It’s not “the sunlight isn’t real”! It’s about knowing who to trust and knowing what kind of ponies you can benefit yourself from!

Furthermore, wouldn’t this have been better if Daimon had dealt with this personally rather than his mother. We relate better to the mother because this was something that affected her. Not Daimon. As far as we know, Daimon never had this problem prior to this point.

“I will make the friends you so much want. I learned to accept the consequences to each of my actions.

Except for the fact that there are no consequences for his actions!

Daimon then points out that Luna basically kidnapped him and doomed his family to be destroyed financially. Way to go, Luna. No wonder Celestia gets more love then you.

Jesus, I get the point. Don’t fuck with the princess of the night.

So anyway, Twilight and Daimon arrive in Ponyville and Daimon asks Twilight to tell him about her friends. She starts to list off their names and Daimon tells Twilight that the names aren’t enough, that he needs to know more about them in the hopes of finding common ground so he can begin his friendship with them.

Well, it’s a good thing Daimon is here to explain everything about friendship and what it means. It’s not like Twilight spent a lot of her time learning about how friendship works and writing reports on what she’s learn to Celestia, detailing her discoveries. I’m glad this story is about Twilight learning about friendship.

The story completely stops to have Twilight explaining who all her friends are and what they do, with Daimon occasionally groaning in misery. You know, you could have actually shown us the characters interacting with Daimon and shown us who they are and their personalities and shown us how they will affect Daimon, but nope, you just have to tell us about it. I’m sure that will lead us to believing you. And for those of you who are saying “We already know who these characters are.”

That’s not the point! What’s the point? Here’s the point! The point is that when writing a story, you should be showing us things, not telling us things! Telling us things makes the story boring us hell! Show us why we should believe anything you tell us! If you can’t show your audience what your characters are doing and why they are the way they are, I won’t believe it!

No, Naruto! No! I will not believe it! Stay out of this!

She then goes on to explain what the Elements of Harmony are. God and I thought this chapter was boring before…

She represents the Element of Loyalty, which I guess says tons about her.”

Actually, it doesn’t. In fact, nothing you say about the characters gives any insight to their personalities. Also, Twilight seems to be confused since she is referring to every character as a person instead of a pony. I thought Daimon was the only human here. Maybe there are other humans in this world and that’s why nobody is freaking out about this kid being here. With as much stupid that gets thrown as us, it wouldn’t surprise me.

After the long winded introductions to every character, Daimon tells us that he doesn’t have any friends, just followers that are afraid of him. Yeah, because they were just shaking in their boots when they started laughing and joking with you about how you were going to beat up that brony. Hell, even the brony didn’t seem that terrified of you, since he basically called you the Princess of the Night.

… Except you don’t deserve to be called the Princess of the Night! You aren’t nearly cool enough!

Anyway, they get off the train and Rainbow Dash literally crashes into him. She must be getting into the poison joke again since that’s the only way this scene makes sense.

Instead, we get this explanation…

“Well… I was trying to make a ground-side version of a Sonic Rainboom, so I got the Crusaders to help me get this high speed rotation and…”

… Wait what?!

Not only is that incredibly stupid, but that’s incredibly reckless! You know how much damage a normal Sonic Rainboom can do! And that’s probably thousands of feet in the air! And you want to create one that is closer to the ground in a highly populated area?!

What the hell happened to the audition to the Wonderbolts with Lightning Dust?! I thought Lightning Dust was the reckless one, not Rainbow Dash?! Did I miss something?!

After a small pause, Daimon looked at her, “And you decided to release your grip and be shot at three hundred kilometers per hour and straight in my belly.”

Wait, what?! And you survived?! He survived that people!

Based on the math I did, he basically got hit by a car going about 40 to 50 mph! Human ribs cannot withstand that much force delivered that quickly! I know we ponies have cartoon physics, so that makes us indestructible, but come on! This is a human being! There is no way the amount of force he took would not be able to break his ribs or kill him! I guess, now he has invulnerability, since he can survive it! Thanks for giving this kid superpowers, Luna!

“Daimon eh? You seem pretty tough,”

No, shit! Didn’t I just get through explaining that?!

Daimon introduces himself and tries to make everyone else feel sorry for him by telling them how bad he is. This is just like Human of a Pony all over again. I’m going to need to find Al for this.

Daimon starts to follow Twilight to her library when he accidently bumps into his future love interest… Oh, sorry spoilers… A pony named Romantic Lily.

Really? Really? That’s the route we’re going with? That’s how he redeems himself?! This?! This completely forced, straight out of nowhere romantic interest?! I thought he was here to learn about friendship, not learning how to have pony sex?! I realize that romance starts with friendship, but… This is the most cliché thing you could possibly do in this story! You have a chance to make something interesting and original! Something that nobody else has seen and you botch it with this?! Way to go, rookie! Everyone give a round of applause for the absolute failure that is this story!

So anyway Daimon goes to Twilight’s house, where the others gather around and Daimon reveals his sally sob story to us, telling us that he became a bully as a defense mechanism for not having any friends.  Get a blog!

The main six try convincing him that friendship is a wonderful thing, but Daimon doesn’t take any of it, whining that “People are just out to get you. That’s the reason I don’t have friends! You can’t count on anyone!”

Daimon then walks out of the room, feeling sorry for himself. I’m feeling sorry for myself for reading this stupid thing.

Twilight and the others discuss what to do about Daimon and Rainbow Dash suggests a “who is the toughest in Ponyville contest” between Daimon and Big McIntosh. I’m not sure why feeding his psychosis would be a good thing, but whatever.

The next day, Daimon doesn’t take the news about the challenge with Big McIntosh well, stating that he would most likely lose. Again, you have super strength, magical powers and invulnerability! Where do you not have the advantage?!

Rainbow Dash then explains that this is his chance to be the toughest human in Ponyville, which makes me think that there are more humans in Equestria, though they have yet to be mentioned or seen. Otherwise, he would already be the toughest human in Ponyville, making what Rainbow Dash said completely stupid.

Twilight then reminds Daimon that his punishment is to learn about friendship and that rivals can be good examples of friends. Except in Pokemon’s case, usually you just want to beat the shit out of them.

“There’s no way I’m talking myself out of this, there is?” he asked looking at the duo.

… I didn’t know Daimon was also Yoda?

Neither can I, Master Yoda.

Twilight pulls out a mattress for him just across from her. Daimon wonders why Twilight would trust him, stating that he might attempt something. Because that’s what I was missing from this story, a sexual pervert joke.  Twilight, of course, assures him that Spike would be keeping an eye on him.

Um… Twilight, if you don’t trust him not to do anything and you are asking Spike to watch him, why don’t you make him sleep downstairs?!  I mean, it’s not like you are keeping a secret from him! You are literally telling him that Spike will keep an eye on him! That already tells him that you don’t trust him! If you had kept it a secret as a method of gaining his trust, yeah, I could see that! But you fucking told him what your plan was, showing what little faith you have in him! You know for somepony who is supposed to be smart, you’re actually really stupid!

Anyway, Daimon takes a quick shower and realizes he has no other clean clothes, meaning that he has to travel around in his underwear. And what was the purpose of this… Why a stupid penis joke of course…

After a breakfast, Daimon prepared himself mentally for the tests the following day.

… I’m not even going to acknowledge what is wrong with this sentence. I’m hoping that if I stop accepting that they exist, maybe they will just go away, much like the insanity I am delving into by reading this.

So, Applejack makes her way to Twilight’s house, at least I think that’s where they are, the narration doesn’t make it clear. Applejack tells Daimon that she is going to challenge him instead of Big McIntosh. … So, wait? Daimon is not super strong enough to go up against McIntosh, but Applejack is okay to completely trounce. I think the author did this switch because he hates Applejack. Wouldn’t surprise me?! Every story I’ve read has some kind of Applejack hate!

Oh, good, now you made Baby Applejack cry, you son of a bitch! Way to fucking go, dude! Way to fucking go!

Anyway, they go over some rules that they both agree to. Both sides get to pick a challenge with Twilight picking the final challenge. The activities would be productive and that both can use all their skills to win.

So, does Daimon’s magic count as a skill?

They start with a game of horseshoes… Which doesn’t seem productive at all. Neither does this story for that matter.

And Applejack ends up winning that competition. Daimon’s challenge is a race with obstacles… still not seeing where this is productive, but who cares, Daimon tells everyone to build a track for him because… He has… authority? I’m adding to the list of powers he now has.

1: Super Strength

2: Magic Limbs of Impossibility

3: Invulnerability

4: Authority beyond even Princess Twilight.

Applejack chuckled at that. “So ya will fight muh skill at last challenge with one ya had skills?”

This just convinces you of hating on Applejack even more. Oh, shit, I acknowledged it! Last time, I promise… Unless I feel the need to point one out again.

Anyway, the ponies build a track and lead the others to it where they can race. Twilight explains the track. See if you can make sense of it.

“It’s pretty simple,” Twilight said with a smile. “Pinkie Pie marked the checkpoints with candy canes. Every candy cane is at sight line with the next. The start line has also two candy canes, so you will have to pick the first there, hold it until the next and give to the pony on the next check point, grab the next candy cane and so on. There is a total of two checkpoints plus the finish line. The first to get to the finish line and finish off his candy cane wins. Any question?”

Yeah, um… What?!

So they go through the race and it turns out that Daimon barely wins. And the final challenge is whether or not they can both get up and do it again… Wait what?! That’s the best that Twilight can come up with! That is the single dumbest thing I have ever heard in my entire life! It’s like the author couldn’t come up with another challenge, so he just forced them to do it again!

So Daimon gets his second wind and beats Applejack.

After the competition, they gather at the Apple’s barn to celebrate. Daimon is still grieving over his family’s problems, but Twilight assures him that Princess Celestia has sent somepony over to help them…

What the hell?! Does Princess Celestia have contacts in the human world that help her deal with this?! Is she sending money to them?! Is she actually going over herself and scaring the shit out of the family with reality that she is real?! What the hell?!

So anyway, Twilight and Daimon asks Rarity to makes some clothes for him. And after a few minutes, Daimon comes out with a brand new outfit that makes him look charming. Fun note: Rarity made those clothes so fast because they were made out of rocks. Fuck designers, we got rocks!

So as he shows off his new clothes, Twilight and Rarity grow unnaturally attractive to him. I know in the story it mentioned that he could woo any woman with just a flex of his muscles, but… They’re fucking ponies, dude! They are not even the same genus! And yet, somehow he is more attractive than stallions to these two! I’m adding that as a superpower.

5: Illogically attractive to separate species.

So, they start to party and Applejack even gets Daimon to make a speech in front of everyone. Why? I don’t know. It’s never explained and it makes as much sense as everything else we’ve seen. Also, the speech is just skipped over with him just telling us that Daimon was nervous while presenting. My god, could the writing in this story be getting worse as the chapters go on? It wouldn’t surprise me!

So we see that Daimon is taking a break from the party. Rainbow Dash comes to him and Daimon starts to hear the music being played for the party. Daimon admits that ponies have such great music.

Of course… How could I have not seen it before? Ponies! Ponies are indeed the greatest musical composers ever conceived!  It’s all so clear now! Obviously stupid humans could never make such beautiful pieces of music in their lives. Some people may say that Beethoven was one of the greatest composers in the world, stating that he made classical music what it is today. Fuck Beethoven!

Others will say that Mozart was the inspiration of many musicians and composers and continues to be one of the greatest composers of all time, who’s talent and inspiration was never truly duplicated. Fuck Mozart!

Or Johann Bach! Richard Wagner! Or George Handel! Fuck them all to hell! The greatest composer of music in the world is a pony!

Truly this magnificent creature of God’s creations is truly destined to write the greatest music any one has ever heard in their entire life! Human, as a species, could not fathom the creativity of this magically creature that is able to string together chords, notes and rhythms into such a way that would take us to the highest of cultures beyond anything we have ever heard before! This wonderful being is truly the greatest musical composer that human beings could not hope to challenge its artistic beauty! And they shall all burn in hell for their sins of listening to this thing they call “music” when we are truly God’s messengers of melody!

…

…

…

So, anyway…

Daimon then gets approached by the love of his life… Oh, sorry spoilers… Romantic Lily.

Romantic tells Daimon that’s she’s been down on her luck with her writing. However, Daimon tells her to never give up and to keep trending her path if it is something she really wants.

Too bad I can’t say the same for you.

Okay, maybe I went a little far… I’m not taking it back though.

So, Daimon tells her to continue writing if that what she really wants to do. Romantic thanks him for his kindness and mentions that he doesn’t seem like the advice giving type. To which Daimon responds,

“Because I’m not,” Daimon answered. “However, in order to return home, I have to fulfill some tasks, let’s say. I’m just trying to do that.”

Okay… really dude? Really? You’ve treated everypony with respect up until this point and even then, he still treats her with respect. I’m not saying that this is a bad thing, but this is supposed to be a story about redemption. As far as I’m concerned, there is no redemption to this story! It is already made clear that Daimon knows how to treat people with respect and kindness, so why the hell does he have to learn something he already knows?! If he had been acting like a selfish ass to her and everyone else, that would make more sense, but this doesn’t work because the characters are trying to teach him something that he already knows how to do! So why the hell does this story even exist?!

So Romantic Lily goes out and gets some fresh air in the hopes of getting new ideas for her story. And just when you thought we’d have a romantic interest that didn’t strictly play the role of damsel in distress, a group of Timberwolves surround the barn, attacking Romantic.

Daimon goes out to find her and meets up with Zecora. Daimon explains that he needs to find Romantic before the Timberwolves do and Zecora tells him to head into the Everfree forest. And what was the point of having Zecora in this story?

Absolutely fucking nothing!

Daimon finds Romantic fighting off the Timberwolves as he tries to intervene. This only results in him getting his ass kicked. I guess wood is his kryptonite.

Yes, there was even a time when Green Lantern was defeated by a wooden window.

Just as the Timberwolves are about to devour his flesh, Romantic ends up saving him and they flee from the wolves. Damn girl. You may be a writer, but you kick ass.

The two make their way to a where they become trapped between a cliff and the wolves. However, Daimon sees Rainbow Dash and Twilight hovering above them, waiting for them to rescue Daimon and Lily. Daimon looks at Lily and tells her to trust him.

And what’s wrong with this scene? THERE IS NO SUSPENSE!

You already know what is going to happen! Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle are going to save them before they hit the fucking ground! Why the hell would you mention that Rainbow Dash and Twilight are right above them?! It kills the fucking suspense and if there is no suspense, there is no reason for the audience to keep reading!

And another thing, the scene plays out exactly like Twilight’s dilemma when she first took on Nightmare Moon. In said dilemma, Twilight is dangling off a cliff, with only Applejack holding onto her. Applejack tells Twilight to simply trust her and allow herself to fall, with Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy ready to catch her.

However, I have a problem with this scene. Why the hell doesn’t Applejack just tell Twilight that she will be rescued by Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy? It’s not like they have a time table! It could have taken the same amount of time to tell Twilight about the two pegasi flying just below her as if would have to comforted her enough to trust her.  And for those of you who think “It’s to show the Element of Honesty”. That is still a really stupid way to introduce that! The other elements are introduced so very well, and it upsets me that this was introduced the way it was. But I will give that event credit; at least it kept us in suspense!

Oh, come on, Applejack. It’s not your fault… It’s the author’s fault… Come on, don’t cry… Don’t… shit… Look what you ponies have done to her?! Why do you hate her so?! She just wants to be loved! Is that so wrong?!

So after taking a drunken Twilight and a sleeping Spike home… Don’t ask. … Lily and Daimon have a little romantic moment. And when I say little, I mean, half a sentence. Yeah, you are going to see a lot of pointlessness in this story.

“Aw… I hate when Pinkie Pie spice my drinks… I almost always end up with a hangover…” Twilight said.

Twilight, I don’t think Pinkie Pie spices your drinks! I think she ‘spikes’ it!

Okay, I’ll let this one slide, but I’m docking points from other misspellings.

So, Daimon goes to the mayor’s offices and gets himself hired as the town’s troubleshooter, doing any odd jobs that the town needs. At least, it’s more masculine than town helper.

Anyway as he is traveling around town, he runs into Lily again, who happens to be nude, like all ponies. Is there a point to him stating that she was nude? Not really. I think that he just likes typing the word nude. Maybe that’s how he gets his jollies if you know what I mean.

Anyway, Daimon asks Lily how he would send a letter to Princess Celestia and Lily asks him to talk to Twilight about it since she was Celestia’s protégé. Lily asks him to respect the princesses a little bit, saying that it might upset somepony that he isn’t intimidated by them.

… Don’t let her see me. She doesn’t like it when I make fun of her… She’ll banish me to the moon, she will! (Yes, I already used this joke in this review.)

“She was just a rumble student not too long ago. Princess Twilight Sparkle is the newest princess in all Equestria, and is still getting used to all of her position.”

Hey, Lily turned into Scooby Doo! Let me try!

Ris rory really rucks!

“Good to know that,” Daimon said with a grin. “And thank you. I’ll keep that in mind when I need to treat them as such, or unless they ask me to.”

Daimon, you’re stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

Okay, I really need to move on, because every line of dialogue is just trash and this review is already too long.

Anyway, Daimon goes over to Lily’s house and Lily shows him her books. One such story is about a pony who is changing his ways to become a better pony. The ironic thing is that this story is far superior to the one I’m reading now.

So Daimon starts to go over his backstory again, and boy is it a train wreck. He mentions that his mother was a terrific athlete and that she also has a memory issue. His father was a business man who died while on a business trip… Damn… And I thought the train wreck thing was just a joke… I feel kind of bad now…

Anyway, that’s when the “friends” appeared and started to take money from Daimon’s family. The story goes on as Daimon explains how he became the man of the house, making sure the finances were settled. However, some new kinds of friends started to come into their lives who encouraged Daimon’s mom to send her children off to full-time school so they could manipulate money out of her.

What the fucking hell?! Is everyone in the human world just assholes?! Remind me never to go there!

Anyway, Daimon reminds his mother about their father’s saying about family coming first and she sends the friends away. And what was the point of that? Who fucking knows! As far as I’m concern, that was utterly pointless!

So, he says that he built a tough guy persona to make sure he could protect his mother. And while I do find that admirable, why the hell does he act like an asshole?! There is a distinct different between the two! The tough guy is somebody who isn’t afraid to fight back, but always has the compassion to help others and to do what is right.

An asshole is the exact opposite! An asshole doesn’t care about the feelings of others and doesn’t care who gets in his way! His only focus is on what he wants!

Daimon is not a tough guy! He is an asshole! He bullies other kids, simply because he can. A real tough guy would have defended the kid getting kicked in the back of the head! A real tough guy would have stopped the bullies from beating up the brony! And the tough guy would have let his little sister watch her show, without harassing her! Tough does not translate into being a jerk!

Oh, and then he explains that when he roughed up some kids, he apologized and told them why he did what he did! Yes, because my broken ribs are not as important as your image! I’ll be sure to tell the insurance company what happened when I get out of the hospital! They’ll totally go along with it! The more I dig into this backstory, the more I hate this character!

So after Daimon wraps up his backstory, we can move on to… another freaking backstory?! Are you kidding me?! Are you FUCKING kidding me?!

So, Lily explains that her mother was harsh on her, wanting her to have a good future as a doctor or lawyer or something like that. She then explains that during one of her classes the teacher explains about how to come up with creative worlds and that’s how she earned her cutie mark. However, she realizes that her mother would never approve of her being a writer, which leads to this…

Those damn sloths don’t earn decent money, stay day after day doing nothing useful, wasting paper to write books that nopony reads twice’

Oh, my god. That’s this story! That’s this story in a nutshell! I was looking for the right words to describe this story, but now I don’t have to! It’s literally is in the story itself! Thank you story! Thank you for giving me the words I needed for the ending of my review! That almost makes up for the stupid things that happened in the past five minutes! Almost!

So Lily continues saying that she ran away from home and that she lived all over the place taking odd jobs since her writing wasn’t very successful. There’s a metaphor here somewhere, but at the moment it’s eluding me.

So, anyway, she reveals that her parents are coming to Ponyville to visit her and that she is moving away before they get here. She then asks Daimon to help her move since he is the town troubleshooter. Sure, why not? Daimon agrees, but only if Lily faces her parents and tells them how it is. I’m so glad that Daimon is here and can solve everypony’s problem for them. I’m so glad that Twilight and her friends are incapable of helping their friends when they need them or are able to solve their problems! It’s a good thing Daimon is in this story!

Thank God, we are at the halfway point. I don’t know how much more stupid I can take.

Daimon then goes back to Twilight’s house to send his letter to Princess Celestia. He finds Spike and asks him to help him with the sending of his letter. Spike sends it in the usual fashion, which makes Daimon think Spike burned the letter to ashes. And Daimon starts freaking out.

I’ve always wondered how Spike is magically able to send letters to Princess Celestia. Do all dragons have the ability to send postage with their breath? That would sure save on shipping costs.

Anyway, Twilight comes and explains that Spike has the ability to send letters to Celestia via breath and then they talk about Luna and Celestia raising the sun and moon. What does this have to do with the plot? Absolutely nothing.

Anyway, after dinner, Daimon receives Celestia’s reply via Spike. Wait, while I’m thinking about it, how does Princess Celestia transfer mail to Spike? Is there some kind of spell or something that she casts? I don’t know, maybe it’s explained in season 4.

So Celestia’s reply tells him that his family is safe, but that she can’t discuss it in the letter. Why the hell not? And says that she will be in Ponyville six days from now.

Twilight hears about this and starts to freak out wanting everything to be perfect before Celestia arrives.

So, Daimon goes out to give Twilight some space and bumps into Rarity. They have a conversation about how boys are expected to one thing in the human world and girls are expected to do another. I would say that this is incredibly sexist, but the author doesn’t care anymore, so why should I? After all, you should see the grammar and spelling for this chapter!

Rarity then tells him about the events of Twilight’s birthday and how she almost blew off Twilight’s party all so she could impress some snobs. She even gives some sound advice…

“I learned that day that a lot more important of the image you bring to yourself is the image your friends have of you,” Rarity finally said. “As you said, you paint yourself as a monster to everyone. But you must remember that your true friends can see through it and see that you’re an angel in fact. They will just ask why you’re playing the monster and, probably, help you to be even more convincing.”

Wait, so your friends want to help you be an asshole? Is that what you’re saying?! Because that’s what I get from this! Your real friends want you to assure everyone thinks you’re an asshole! That’s the stupidest advice I’ve ever heard! Rarity, you are stupid!

Rarity then describes the event leading to the defeat of Nightmare Moon. This tells me that the author has no time or effort to put into story, so instead he just describe events that most of us have seen from My Little Pony! I told you he’s not trying anymore!

So anyway, the day finally arrives for Lily’s parents to come visit. Let’s just get this over with.

So they talk to the parent’s, who are, of course, closed minded dumbasses. Daimon, of course, defends her the entire time and doesn’t let Lily defend herself and grow on her own! This seems pretty damn counter-productive! I understand you being there for your friend, but there is a difference between supporting them and fighting their battles for them! If this was just Daimon being a silent pillar of strength that would be one thing, but he’s arguing against the parents for her! That doesn’t make Daimon look strong, it makes Lily look lazy and defenseless, needing someone to come rescue her.

And then Daimon says that he would marry Lily on the spot.

Wait, you mean to tell me that Lily this whole time was… The romantic interest?!

The parents want to discuss their daughter’s problems with Princess Celestia. Yeah, because I’m sure the ruler of Equestria would want to get involved with a private family matter. Daimon, being the ever loving idiot that he is, invites the parents to a meeting with Celestia, who will be arriving in Ponyville tomorrow.

Daimon goes home after finishing his job and comes to the smell of meat that Spike is cooking.

His nose quickly filled with the scent from the kitchen and he smiled. “So long I haven’t felt this smell

How do you feel smell?! Daimon, you are an idiot!

So Spike gives Daimon the meat that he had been cooking, and he even asks Spike to try some, which he seems to enjoy.

It’s only a matter of time now before Spike starts to discover how juicy pony meat is. It all started with this…

That night, Daimon gets a visit from Luna and they talk about what Daimon has learned about friendship.

“Ponyville has been showing me that sometimes friendship is useful, I admit.”

You’re a dick!

And then Luna describes what happened during her first return to Nightmare Night and how Twilight helped her make friends. I didn’t know this story was about the characters telling us what they did in My Little Pony. I’m sure glad our time was spent on this instead of developing our story and our plot, since at this point; the story is boring as hell!

But it turns out that Luna does have a point in being here. She tells Daimon that Lily’s parents are starting to have nightmares about him attacking and torturing them. That is the single dumbest thing ever! I hate this story!

So Daimon decides to explain the situation to Luna. Every single nerve pinching, ear bleeding, head scratching, ball punching, eye poking, butt waxing moment that lead up this in full detail, even though anyone who had actually given a shit about this story already knows what the fuck is going on! I HATE THIS STORY!

And then Luna starts to … explain what happened to cause her to become Nightmare Moon?!

…

I’m fine… I’m fine… I just… am going a bit crazy… but I’m fine…

So … anyway…

Luna and Daimon start discussing what would happen if Celestia were to turn evil and what her name would be. Yeah, because I’m sure that will play out really well in our plot.

Luna reveals that she never suspected him of wrong doing and she states that ponies have even started to fall in love with him. Sure, why not? It makes as much sense as everything else in this stupid piece of shit so far.

So, the day finally comes for Celestia to arrive to talk to Daimon. Twilight is, as always, freaking out. Daimon ends up comforting her by… kissing her? … You know what? I don’t care, let’s just finish this up!

Celestia then arrives and Daimon says the dumbest thing he’s possibly said in this story and believe me that is not an easy feat.

“Do unto others only what you would like them do to you. For example, I hate being addressed formally, so I avoid doing so with others as often as I can.”

So, let me get this straight… Because you beat up a kid half your size to a bloody pulp, I can do the same to you? Okay then!

He’s going to keep doing that til his arm gets tired. DO UNTO OTHERS, FUCKER!

So, they invite Celestia to breakfast when they are interrupted by Romantic Lily. Romantic says she wants to be there to support him when he speaks to Celestia, just like he was there for her when she spoke with her parents. Which means that she will fight his battles for him or some bull crap like that, I don’t know, let’s just finish this stupid thing.

Celestia then reveals that the person looking after Daimon’s family is actually the brony he knocked unconscious… Wait, what?

Why is he taking care of this guy’s family?

Celestia answered. “His name is Karl Fox and he is actually taking care of your family and is particularly friendly with your sister for some reason I don’t understand.”

Well, I’m sure there is nothing wrong with Fox going into his sister’s room and sitting… in a chair with her … in the dark…just the two of them… watching a show about… Oh, god! Somebody call the police! We’ve got a minor with a possible pedophile! Celestia, how could you do this to a little girl?!

Anyway, Celestia reveals that Daimon wasn’t brought here to be taught the magic of friendship. Daimon is confused by this and so am I since the whole fucking plot has been about Daimon’s redemption. But it turns out that Celestia brought Daimon here because Luna is once again slowly becoming Nightmare Moon!

… Wait, what?!

Are you fucking serious?! Are you fucking serious, right now?! We are seriously going that route! We are seriously going to do this! Are you high?! Are you stupid?! What in your right mind told you that this would suffice for a plot?! We are at the final two chapters of the story and now you want to change the premise of the story on us?! That is the single dumbest decision you have made in this story! You are fired from writing! Ever!

So, Luna arrives and the gang is all here to discuss what Daimon has learned about friendship and the events that helped lead him to learning about them.

“Applejack is an athletic mare, that’s no doubt. Strong and agile, she’s also very smart and thinks quickly,” Luna nodded.

“But I’m better,” Daimon said with a chuckle.

Suck my fucking cock, Daimon! You are a piece of fucking shit compared to Applejack! No! I’m sorry! I shouldn’t insult a piece of shit like that! You are worse than shit! You are… indescribably worse than shit! You are… Super Sayian 3 shit! The shit Gods of the universe worship how much of a piece of shit that you are, claiming that you will someday lead your people into making the world a worse place to live by how much of a piece of shit that you are!

So he goes through the long list of lessons that he learned, shoving them down our throats for the hundredth time. I’m thinking about unfriending several people on Facebook just to even this shit out!

So, Celestia says that she will send Daimon home tomorrow stating that he’s learned his lesson. Because he learned that his feelings shouldn’t be imposed onto others, right?

Lily and Daimon make this speech about not forgetting each other and I so wish this story was over, but no, we have two more chapters to go. And for anyone who is actually reading this piece of shit, I apologize.

So, anyway, Daimon goes home after wishing the ponies farewell. Karl comes up to the door and is glad to see that he has returned and Daimon gives him a hug… Aw, that’s so… Not cute at all.

Daimon asks why Karl was helping out Daimon’s family and Karl doesn’t really give him a straight answer. So, I’ll invent my own…

Daimon: Why are you helping my family?

Karl: Well, I wanted to see your little sister’s magic.

Daimon: Wait, huh?

Karl: Had to make myself a unicorn, if you know what I mean.

Daimon: What the hell?

Karl: The Elements of Harmony were shining that day.

Daimon: You son of a bitch! I’ll kill you!

Yeah, I think that works…

So it turns out that Karl hasn’t been the only unicorn around, with Karl’s father dating Daimon’s mom. This is… really awkward.

So his sister Angela… Wait… (looks back at the first chapter) Oh, sweet merciful crap! The little sister’s name is Elisa! Why the hell did you change her name?! Is this some alternate universe and Daimon is too stupid to realize it?! Does the author just not care anymore?! Oh, screw it!

He tells his sister, whoever the fuck she’s supposed to be, about his adventures in Equestria. Oh, good, because this story could not be long enough…

As the days go on, he longs to be with the mare he loves, Romantic Lily and wants to go back to Equestria. He begins to practice his magic… that’s right, he’s practicing magic in the human world. Even though in the first chapter it was established that he couldn’t use magic in the human world and his magical abilities were never mentioned before this point in any of the chapters, but hey, the author threw up their hands and said, “Screw it, I don’t care.”

And to show how much more the author doesn’t care, they throw this shit at us.

Maybe humans have their versions of the three kinds? The “earth humans”, the “magic humans” and the “flying humans” were after all a part of human society. The ones that love the earth above everything else, those that decide to take the sky and, of course, the magicians… maybe some of those shows I saw in the past weren’t just illusions after all…”

Pfft, science! Pfft, history! I scoff at the idea!

So Daimon’s mom gets married, he learns to practice magic and this story just keep going! This is longer than the fucking Lord of the Rings epilogue.

Oh, and he gives us this bullshit about how he can use magic in the human world.

“Maybe something happened to me in Ponyville that changed me and allowed me to do so…” Daimon chuckled. “Or maybe we always could, but we forgot how to do so…”

I am the great and powerful, Mary –Sue… I mean, Daimon! I know all and see all! I can do whatever the fuck I want! Fuck logic!

So, Luna visits him and says that they will take him back to Equestria and Daimon says that he never wants to come back to the human world. There is some other stuff here, but frankly, it’s too painful to read.

So, he gets back to Ponyville, but finds out the Romantic Lily is not where they said she was. But enough about that, Daimon wants to be a pony. Sure, why the hell not? Luna and Celestia promise to give him a transformation spell that can transform him into one, but he must find Romantic first. Not sure what she has to do with it, but hey, I don’t care.

He goes to Niagara Fall and finds Lily with almost no issue. And nopony knew where she was because why?

And so our story ends with Lily telling Daimon about the new story she wrote the Exile of Daimon…

Ha, ha, ha! I get it, because that is the title of this story! This… poorly written, unentertaining, uninteresting, uninvesting, ill-conceived piece of utter trash!

This story is incredibly bad! The story goes nowhere fast! The poor grammar and spelling distract you to the point of exhaustion. The characters are not written very well, with Daimon leading the charge. I cannot believe how bad this character is! He’s a jackass that thinks him being a jackass is justified and for that matter so does everyone else! He doesn’t learn his lessons and as far as I’m concerned undermines the entire redemption process!

There are several plot points that are brought up throughout the story that are never explored upon! What about the Nightmare Moon plot?! That didn’t fucking go anywhere! Or what about Evil Celestia?! Nope, not connected to anything! What about the sudden attractiveness that mares have for Daimon?! No answers here!

The plot is stupid, makes no sense and overall is just a waste of time! This story could have ended at chapter 3 with it being a bad, but not horrible story. But the author had to just drag it on and on and it was so fucking boring! After chapter 3, nothing fucking happens! There is no investment into Daimon’s trial, because he isn’t struggling! Because it isn’t difficult for him and if things come so easily for him, why the flying Dutchman of a fuck should I even give a crap about him?!

This story is just painful to sit through and I am really glad that a sequel will never be made.

And, by the way, yes. I am working on a sequel to this. However, the burst of inspiration is gone, and I'm kinda struggling to finish the first chapter off. Be a bit more patient, please?

Not on my watch, you won’t! If you’ll excuse me

I’ve got a human in Equestria to hunt down. Have a great day guys!