The Man Inside the Colt

Chapter 5: The Coffee Table

I didn’t know how good this coffee was, until I drank half the bag of beans away. Though by the time I figured that out, I was in my underwear in the middle of the night, trying to find out how the refrigerator worked.

“T-there’s no plug. There’s no fucking plug!” I repeated, while looking over the fridge. It was like one of those antique ice boxes. There was no cooling module or a plug for electricity, just a box that mysteriously cools or freezes the food.

“How does this work?” I turned to look at the oven, then the lights, “How does any of these work?”

There were no electrical wires, connecting any of these and yet they all seemed to work. There was a dam just outside the town, that generated power, but there were no signs of electrical… anything going to these bulbs.

“Why is this so hard?!” I grabbed another cup and chugged it down. I turned my attention towards the lamp I procured, in my caffeine induced moment, from the living room. It sat on the table, dismantled with its components laid bare.

From what I can tell, the top of the lamp was a bulb and what would normally be in a working lamp back home, and that’s where the similarities end. The clicker was just a piece of metal, with a knob for turning it on or off. Following that piece of metal to the innards of the lamp, was a piece of copper.

It was connected at the end of the metal, forming a capital ‘T’ of sorts. There was a gem inside the socket, and when I touched the copper to the base of the grounded bulb and the gem, it lighted up.

“Now w-where is it… where are you getting your power from?” I stuttered, the coffee causing me to shiver, “How is this even… wait a minute. What’s this?”

On the side of the socket was a coil of sorts, putting my finger near it an arch of electricity shot towards my finger. It didn’t hurt, but the fur around my hand stood up.

“Is that a tesla coil?” I mumbled examining the tiny thing, “Holy shit… it is!”

I grabbed a screwdriver, and started dismantling the socket, with force. There before me was the gem and tesla coil wrapped around it.

“Wow… It’s actually a tesla coil.” With that new discovery, my head met the table and I fell asleep.

“No fucking way!” I screamed, running from the pack of zombies. I ran down an alleyway and quickly climbed up the fire escape. I looked down at the crowd of rotting flesh, “Please tell me I’m not in that game.” A scream rang out from above me.

I turned my head towards the incoming zombie. Its legs morphed to something reminiscent of a grasshopper, and its mouth replaced by a long spike filled tentacle.

“Fuck me,” I said, as I was knocked off the escape and into the mob of zombies. They tore into my flesh as the one on top, slashed with that tentacle.

White encompassed my vision, the scenery shifted and I was now in a meadow. I looked down to my furred hands my old single shot, ten gauge in hand.

I turned my gaze towards the old pony walking next to me. I was clearly a head taller than the old stallion, but he carried himself well for his age.

We sat near a stream, eating our lunch and conversing about something. Probably the crops and the new pest that popped up.

Breaking camp, we followed the stream towards a field that was torn apart. A group of lizards sat in the middle of the muddied terrain, eating away at a carcass of sorts.

We paused, slowly making ourselves smaller. These lizards were huge, maybe three feet from head to tail. Their jaws easily tore through the flesh of the animal. There was five in the group and we needed to take them out.

I kneeled down, the old stallion using my shoulder as a rest for the automatic. Five shots were fired, each one landing into the group of reptiles.

Two of the large reptiles turned towards us and started to run away. I felt the rifle leave my shoulder, and I raised my shotgun. I fired the buck shot, quickly loading another round and fired again at the fleeting lizards.

The shots slammed into their bodies, creating cavities and blowing off limbs.

“You’ve gotten rusty,” The old stallion complained, using me to pry himself up, “C’mon… we got to hunt the rest of the group before sun down.”

“Yah know… I only do this gig during my break,” I grumbled, following after the grey stallion, “and you could’ve given me an auto.”

“And what fun would that be,” he answered back, throwing a mint over his shoulder, “besides… you got a revolver dontcha?”

I caught the hardened candy, “Point taken.” I popped the mint into my mouth, reloading a new shell into the smoking barrel.

Walking past the group of lizards, I popped a few caps into the still moving reptiles. I never like to see an animal suffer but there was no way I was going to knife these guys. Those teeth were like tiny needles, and they did not let go when they latch on.

Taking our knives, we cut off their tails, and put them into a sack. A reward to be collected later, from the game warden.

We continued our hunt for the pest. It wasn’t an easy job, but the old man sure as hell enjoyed it.

I awoke with the sun stabbing my eyes. Turning to the clock, it was almost noon and I sat there watching the time slowly tick away.

“I fucking hate you,” I said aloud, “even the memory of my granddad was altered. You fucking asshole!”

I slammed my fist on the table, and the parts to the lamp fell to the floor.

“Fuuuuck!” I groaned, at the sound of breaking glass. I laid my head on the oaken surface, mopeing away at the loss of those moments with my grandfather.

“You seem troubled.” I froze hearing the sound of a voice, in front of me. I slowly raised my head from and there in front of me was a dark blue mare. Her hair was wafting in the still kitchen air and at that point I did what any rationale child would do.

Wrapping a hand on the lamp shaft and the bottom of the table, I pushed back flipping the table. I launched off my chair and ran towards the living room.

Looking back, a blue aura formed around the table. I jumped over the couch, watching as the mare levitated the table out of her way with a surprised look. She moved forward, trying to follow me.

“Rape! Rape!” I screamed, as I threw the brass shaft at the mare. Her horn glowed and the shaft stoped in the air.

“Please wait…” She began, but the cushions flying at her stopped any of that.

“Fire! Stranger Danger!” I continued to scream, slowly backing towards the door while picking up objects to throw.

“Enough!” She yelled, as her cheeks grew red. My ears splay back from the force of her shout. I fall to my knees and my elbow hits something hard. Looking down I spot the coffee table, “Please I’m only trying to hel…”

I picked the table up in the middle of her sentence, I looked her straight in her blue eyes. then I chucked the table, and ran for the door.

A blue aura surrounded the door, glancing to the side I spot the window. “Mom is going to kill me!” I yelled, running to the pane glass window.

Covering my eyes with, I jumped through the window. I heard the mare scream along with the shattering of the glass. Hitting the ground I went into a roll.

Something stopped me, and it was like hitting a wall. I was pulled up, as if my whole body was picked up by a huge hand.

Opening my eyes, I stared into those same blue eyes.

“Ahhh!” I screamed, my fist clenched I punched the mare in her muzzle, “Help! Rape! Murder… mphf!”

My mouth was held shut by the aura, and now that I think about my whole body was covered by it.

“Enough!” She yelled, her hand cradling her nose. My ears were ringing from the force, “I am trying to help you… oh dear. He fainted.”

I can’t tell how long it was but as I awoke, I was staring into someone’s crotch. Tilting my head to the side, I spot the same mare that broke into my house.

I was about to roll off her lap, but some force prevented me from moving forward.

“Calm down,” She whispered, petting my head, “you are hurt and bleeding.”

“No shit I’m bleeding,” I shot back, trying to break free from whatever was holding me down, “I just jumped out of a fucking window!”

“Language,” she said, she stopped petting me and glared daggers into me.

“Fuck you! You molesting perverted...mphf.” She gagged me again with that magic of hers and I laid there glaring at her.

I laid there while a cotton ball, from who knows where, dabbed on the wounds on my back. She had this look that spoke, ‘you brought this upon yourself’, but I did not let her have the satisfaction. I laid there gritting my teeth from the stinging pressure of the disinfectant.

“So,” I said, when I stopped struggling and ended her magic around my mouth, “Who are you?”

She blinked a surprised look etched on her face, “Do you not know?”

I shook my head, a mistake, which lead my muzzle to barely touch her crotch. She blushed and I felt myself moved away from the vanilla scented pit.

“Surely you jest,” She said, the cotton pressing harder on my back, “does the crown or wings not signify who I am?”

“Wings?” I moved my head enough to spot the blue feathers, “Huh. I didn’t know you have wings… so what does that have to do with you breaking into my home?!” I glared back at her waiting for an answer.

She looked away with a blush on her muzzle, “I did not break in… I was just merely seeing if you needed assistance.”

“So you broke into a home with a child that was in his underwear… yeah you're definitely going to jail lady.” I said, clenching my teeth from the added pressure, “Oh, and can you ease up on the wounds… bad enough you wrecked my house.”

Her head shot back at me, with a voice that could wake a bear from a mile away, “It was you that threw those objects and jumped through the window!”

“Only because you showed up in my kitchen unannounced!” I yelled back. I didn’t know what was worse, my head slipping closer to her crotch or the fact I couldn’t hear myself.

“I only did that because of your nightmare!” I didn’t understand what she just said, but when opportunity knocks, take it.

As her wings rose in anger, so did her legs and with it my head slid further down her crotch. With my face smack dab in her baby maker, I did the what would have cost me a night in jail and a court summons back home. I motorboated, between her pudgy abdomen and thighs.

I felt the magic end, with my body landing on the couch.

“Y-you insolent little…” I did not let her finish, when the magic ended I pushed up from the couch. I jumped and wrapped an arm around her neck, making my way behind her, I put the mare into a headlock pushing against the back of the couch. Her horn flared up but I ignored it.

“I don’t know what your game is,” I said gritting my teeth, barely holding on to her neck , “but there was no way in hell a Princess… would do the shit you just pulled off.”

I was right to think this, what type of royal would bother with a kid like me. There was much more pressing matters to deal with than someone like me. ‘I have my own problems to deal with… and you just had to add to the list.’

A blinding golden light filled the room and there before my now broken coffee table stood another winged unicorn. Her mane of pink, green, and blue wafted in the air. She glared at the me with that single eye not covered by that mane of her’s.

“Unhand my sister!” She yelled, and again I felt my world go dark as my body slammed against the wall.

Light assaulted my eyes again, “Why can’t I ever just wake up during the night?” I grumbled. For some strange reason, I ended up staring into someone’s crotch again.

“Looks like you are awake.” Turning my head I was confronted with the mare that blasted me to the wall.

“I give up,” I said, burying my head in her lap, “Just do whatever you want to me… just no anal.”

I didn’t bother looking at her, I just closed my eyes and let whatever was going to happen, happen. She cleared her throat, “Ahem… I’m afraid you have it all wrong my little pony.”

“Really?” I shot back, I opened my eyes to glare at the mare, “So breaking into my house, wrecking my stuff and using magic to physically harm me! Pray tell what it is that I have wrong.”

She sat there speechless but a voice to my side drew my attention, “If you remember correctly… It was you that damaged your home not I nor my sister.”

I turned to see the blue mare from earlier nursing her throat.

“Go fuck yourself,” I calmly said, if I could move my arm I’d give them the finger, but I don’t even think they’d know the meaning.

“I-is that how you address a Princess?!?” Again she shouted, nearly deafening me.

“Again!” I yelled over the sound of the ringing in my ears, “Will you stop yelling… I’m right here and your voice is deafening as is!”

I was pissed, first the intruder, then my house is wrecked, and then I have my head resting on the big white pony’s lap… at least one thing was good out of this day.

My stomach gurgled, turning back to the white giant, “Hey… if you're not going to rape me… can I get up now or what?”

“You shall do no such thing.” the blue mare huffed, crossing her arms, “You are hurt and bleeding… so stay still and let us mend your wounds.”

“Then at least get me something to drink.” I said, gritting my teeth from the sudden pressure on my back. Looking at the blue mare, “There’s a pitcher of iced tea in the fridge and cups in one of the upper cabinets… feel free to get a cup if you want.”

She stood up, mumbling something about how absurd iced tea was. Turning so I could almost look into the magenta eye of the giant of a mare, “So… are you really a Princess?”

She nodded and smiled, “I’m afraid so.”

I turned to face the wall, “Well… I’m fucked.”

“Ahem… Language young colt.” She said, as I felt the force on my back increase.

“What’s the point… I’m in trouble as is,” I said, hearing the cupboards being opened and closed, “first my house was broken into by some mare with some weird intention that deems it right to confront a near naked kid… then I get slammed into the wall by you.”

I felt her shift from my statement, “When you put it that way… it seems like we’re the bad ponies.”

“Of course you are,” I said, feeling the pressure on my back lessen, “and that’s why I’ll keep quiet about all this… if you fix this mess.”

“A-are you blackmailing us?” She gasped, my head bouncing in the air then plopped back on her lap.

“Ow… and no I’m not blackmailing you,” I said, blinking the pain away, “It’s more on the lines that I’m extorting.”

Silence entered the room, but a gasp from the kitchen drew our attention, “This concoction is delicious!”

“Glad you like it!” I yelled, hearing the sound of liquid being poured, “Can you give us some before you finish it?”

I heard clopping of hooves on wooden floors. How they stayed pristine and unscratched was anybody’s guess.

The blue mare returned to the living room, a cup with a bendy straw was levitated towards my muzzle while another floated to the white mare.

I started to sip my tea, the mint and rose hip were nothing compared to the artery killing stuff back home, but it had to do.

“Mhmm… Luna you're right!” The white mare said, as I felt cold drops of water on my head, “This is good… and you call this iced tea?”

“It would be… if I had some oolong,” I grumbled, missing that amazing imported wonder.

“I have to have the recipe,” Luna said, pouring herself another cup.

“Sure… I’ll give you the recipe,” I began, as I smiled, “For a price… that is.”

“Name it!” Luna shot back, before the other mare could cut in.

‘Now what do I want,’ I thought, thinking what I can get from these ponies without getting myself in serious trouble. Then it hit me, “I want books.”

“Books?” They both said, waiting for me to continue.

“You heard me… I want books.” I turned to try and stare into the Luna’s eyes, “Specifically on how an earth pony can cast magic.”

Luna blinked, “And why would you want such a thing?”

“Because… I want to do magic.” I said, remembering a certain purple mare, “And I want to see the look on that annoying librarian's face when I do.”

“And why do you want to do that?” this time it was the taller mare that asked.

“That’s simple… I just don’t like her.” I stared at what was left of my coffee table, “Don’t get me wrong. She’s nice and all… but every time I try to get a lead on how to cast magic for Earth Ponies. She gives me this look… and I hate it.”

Silence descended to the room and I continued to glare at my table.

“So how about it?” I said aloud, waiting for them to answer. Not getting any, I added, “Books for a recipe… I’ll also throw in my silence to what happened today… or…”

“Or… what?” Luna asked, looking towards the white mare.

“I scream really loud… and you explain to the ponies of this town why you have a naked colt on your lap and wrecked house.” I took a sip from my tea, letting the sound of slurping fill the room, “So how about it… your reputations for books.”

I laid there waiting for an answer, but I never expected laughter.

“Haha… oh my!” My head bounced on the mare’s lap, her laughing increased my building headache. She finally calmed herself, clearing her throat, “I’ll agree to your terms.”

“Celestia!” Luna gasped, standing up to stare at the mare, “You must be joking!”

“Not at all dear sister,” Celestia said, patting my head, “It will be interesting to see what he can do and besides… I might actually have somepony to challenge my student.”

“So… that’s a yes?” I asked, feeling the restraints of her magic end, I was flipped on my back to face the smiling mare.

“Yes… but on one condition.”

“And that is?” I raised an eyebrow at the now smirking mare.

“You have to write me a report on your findings.” She said with that smile of hers.

“A report… sure that doesn’t seem like too much of a problem,” I nodded my agreement with the mare’s requirement. Looking around my house, “but ah… about my house.”

Her horn glowed a golden color and with a flash everything that was broken was fixed. From the shattered window to even the lamp I took apart… how it got back to its spot in the living room was mystery to me.

“There… all fixed,” Celestia said, standing up, “I’ll send you those books in a few days… for now I do believe you and my sister have a recipe to discuss.”
With a flash, she disappeared followed by a loud crackle.

“Wow… that was rude,” I turned to the remaining princess, “Does she just disappear like that or what?”

“I’m afraid so,” she sighed, but turned her gaze towards me, “you're an odd pony… not many would do what you just did.”

“Thanks,” I smiled at the mare, but the grumble in stomach ruined the moment. Turning to the mare, “So ah… you going to go too or what? Cause I gotta go make lunch.”

“Well… um,” She looked around frantically, trying to think of something.

I sighed and got up, “Look… if you don’t mind the punching you in the face thing or the fact I put you in chokehold… what I’m trying to say is… do you want to stay for lunch?”

I didn’t know if my question got through, but the rumblies in my tumblies was getting very irritating. Without waiting for confirmation, I headed for the kitchen.

“Let’s see,” I mumbled, checking my stock, “I still have flour, but not enough to make a pizza. Then there’s cut veggies left from the pizza.” Other than the bread and hay in the pantry, I was down to minimum from what I bought yesterday. Then it hit me, snapping my fingers, “Dumplings… I’m going to make dumplings… or potstickers.”

With that thought in mind, I was going to make dumplings from great grandma’s recipe. Minus the meat and all, which would make it my recipe… I hate being a pony right now.

With my veggies cut from yesterday’s endeavors, all I had to do was make the wrapping. It wasn’t a hard process, but it was none the less time consuming, luckily I had an apple to snack on.

“What are you making?” Luna asked, while she sat in the kitchen since I started working.

“Dumplings,” I responded, while packing the ingredients into the wrapper, “Or potstickers… depends if I want to wait for the water to boil.”

Closing the last of the bite size morsels, I went to retrieve a pot and pan. Weighing each in hand, “Yeah potstickers is the way to go right now.”

Putting the pot back in its place, I placed the pan on the burner.

“So Princess… why exactly did you break into my house?” I asked without turning away from pan.
“Do you not know?” She asked, turning towards her I saw that she was tapping the table, “I thought all ponies knew?”

“Sorry to say this,” I said, returning to the pan, “but I have amnesia a few weeks ago… anything past that other than basic skills… is all just a blur.”

“Really!?” She gasped, from the sound she must have clasped her hands together, “How?”

“Oh umm… how should I put this,” I began, as I switched the finished pot sticker with a new one, “I was blasted by a filly. You know one of those sudden magic spasms… and let’s just say my head met a beam… nearly killed me in fact.”

I heard a gasp, and then silence. I was bit preoccupied with the food, and failed to hear the shuffling of hooves.

I felt two powerful arms wrap around me, and her bosoms resting on my head.

“You poor colt.” She whisper, her arms preventing mine from moving, “It must be difficult to not remember…”

“Umm… Luna,” I cut in, trying to break free from her grip, “The food is going to burn if you don’t let me go.”

“Sorry.” She said, as the two iron like appendages unwound from my arms. She didn’t return to the table, and I could feel her warmth even though she did not touch me.

“Done!” I quickly said, turning the burner off and grabbing the plate full of pot stickers. Careful to not run into the mare, “Can you fill a cup with ice for me?”

“Sure!” Luna nodded, turning to retrieve a cup and ice.

I laid the plate on the table, and grabbed the remaining coffee from last night. Adding it to the cup full ice, I had a quick iced coffee. Seeing my action, Luna did the same thing.

With a fork in our hands we dug into the pile of steaming pot stickers. Though after her first bite, it was a race to fill my stomach before she ate it all.

“That was delicious,” Luna said, standing with the bag of coffee beans, “are you sure I can have this bag?”

“Of course,” I smiled and nodded, “Take it as a gift… for almost killing you and all.”

She giggled at my statement, her horn began to glow with that same midnight blue aura, “Thanks again Button… and I’ll make sure to get those delivered by the middle of the week.”

“No problem… but make sure to call first before you drop in so suddenly.”

“Will do.” She said, and with a flash she vanished from sight.

Yup, this was my day. Got my ass kicked by a Princess and choking said Princess. Then having her sister kick my ass, then extorting the all powerful rulers of this country I call home.

“I’m so fucked.” I said, collapsing onto a chair. I sighed and stared at the ceiling, “At least now I have a lead… but why am still in my underwear?”

Getting up from the chair I headed to my room for a much needed nap and then a shower. Who said it was ever easy dealing with demigods… especially in briefs.