There wasn't a whole lot of point to the patrol that followed my trip to the prison. That wasn't speaking of the value of having someone fly over... wherever I'd been... while watching for trouble. I'm sure there was a good reason for it.

There just wasn't much point in sending me. Any hope I'd had of fighting through my grogginess and fatigue had been summarily executed with those prisoners. As I just mentioned, by the time we were done I couldn't even remember where we'd been, much less what I'd seen. The slaves could have been parading around a burning effigy of Red Eye for all I knew. I just left my body on autopilot while my mind wandered through every last dark alley there was, getting mugged and beaten in about half of them, and by the time we were drifting back over some little scorched and blasted suburb I hadn't felt more tired in my entire life. Heidi yelling, Stern yelling, that terrified stallion's last moments... it just wouldn't end. What had he done anyway? Did he kill someone? Steal food? Pick his nose in front of Red Eye? Did it even matter?

No. Not really. It didn't matter. It was all just... going to happen. Why didn't matter anymore. That was it. Poof. Gone. Bye bye. See you. Idealism was gone and reality was here so I could stop pretending that any of this had to-

“Hey, Kaz, follow me.”

“Huh?” I slurred, noticing that Ida was banking away and out of earshot by the time my unbelievably exhausted brain realized that she'd said something. She was halfway down to what I at length recognized to be the rotting remains of an old school house when I groaned and coaxed my wings to carry me that way. “Where are we going...? Base is...” I gave up trying to figure out which direction it was in relative to us and just let the sentence hang. It didn't matter either.

She touched down on the roof, dislodging a shingle previously hanging on by a single corner, and poked her head inside of the exposed bell tower. What, were we looking for someone now? I shrugged it off as yet another pointless detail and landed on the roof with a heavy thump that left me propped against the side of the tower. The peeled white paint on the wood flaked off as the boards creaked, prompting me to stop tempting fate and to stand up straight.

“In here,” she called, voice resonating strangely in the enclosure.

Sure. Whatever. I crawled through the opening after her, finding no bell in the bell tower but a surprising amount of space behind it. A wall had partially collapsed, opening up some kind of storage room or attic. I probably could have picked out something interesting inside if I wasn't far more distracted by almost stepping on what I was almost positive was a used condom. Yuck! “What are we doing?”

“Come on in here, I want to show you something,” she said, narrowly squeezing through the opening in the wall.

I skirted the gross trash and followed, fighting my way through the opening with no more grace despite being slimmer than my partner. Every bag and piece of equipment strapped to my armor must have caught something jutting from the wall, and ultimately I just lurched through, snapping a few strips of something free in the process. Heidi would probably shout at me for scratching up my armor or something. Or Sam. Hadn't been chewed out by him recently...

The room beyond was cluttered with decaying cardboard boxes that probably once held books but now only had dust mingling with mold. A single desk crowded an intact corner, upon which was an impressive stack of empty drink bottles filled with used cigarettes. Apparently someone had an awful lot of free time on their claws, since some of the bottles and cigarette butts had been arranged into a little house. Or... something. I kind of stopped paying attention when I saw yet another used condom strategically placed for me to nearly tread upon unexpectedly. “Uh... what... am I looking for?”

Ida plopped down against a wall in a relatively clean spot and patted the floor next to her. “This is it. Come here, I just want to talk for a little bit, okay?” She smirked and tapped the floor again. “Don't worry, this spot's clean.”

With quite a bit of reluctance I joined her in the tiny oasis of relative cleanliness. “What is this place?”

“Used to be a school I think. Nowadays we use this as a little spot to get away from everyone and spend some private time together.” She tilted her head toward the bottles. “Most come here to get a little drunk or have a quick screw or something, but before you ask, no, that's not why we're here. I really just want to talk to you a bit.”

I leaned back, thankful to have something to prop against again. There weren't any times that came to mind where I'd ever been so tired. “...about what?” She probably wanted to know all about what I'd done to get firing squad duty. Whatever. I didn't even care anymore.

A few silent moments ticked by. “About you, I guess.” A cigarette appeared in my face. “Want one?”

Why, yes, I did. I accepted the paper tube and bit down on it. “Thanks...” Except I had no way to actually light it, so... Ida flicked out a lighter and started it for me. “...thanks.”

“Any time.” She started one herself and grabbed a bottle half-filled with butts from the desk. “So, no point preening feathers here. Are you okay?”

I hacked up a puff of smoke and shot her an acidic glance. Gee, Ida, what made you think something might be wrong? At least I was too tired to formulate a sarcastic response. Instead, I was completely honest. “No. Not really.”

She nodded. “Look. Whatever happened, whatever it was the lieutenant got mad about, it's okay. Really. People make mistakes.”

Hey, look at that, it was going to be about that. “I know.”

“Don't beat yourself up over it, okay? It's gone. In the past.”

I stared into the faint glow of my cigarette, watching it slowly burn to ash. “I know. But, it'll just be something else next time...”

“We all messed up when we were new. You'll get the hang of it.” Ida crossed her legs. “Lieutenant Blackfeathers isn't that bad, honest. She's tough, but by and large she's fair.”

“It's not just about her...” I blinked heavily and laid my head back against the wall.

“Is it about Glitter?” I sighed and the room fell into a long silence, punctuated only by Ida blowing out smoke. “...Kaz?”

“It's... it's just so much more than that. It's not just the lieutenant, or Glitter, or that pony I just shot for some surely contrived reason...” I looked her dead on. “I can't do this, Ida. I just can't do this. I-I can't keep... keep killing and hurting ponies who didn't do anything to deserve it. I can't... but I have to. I'm trapped here in this Hell, and now I'm one of the demons!”

“Hey, hey, whoa...” She sat up and faced me. “Slow down. I know it's hard, and it's pretty bad sometimes. I know. But it's really not as bad as it seems.” She held a claw to her chest. “We're not slavers. Don't ever let anyone tell you that. We're security, nothing more and nothing less.”

Did she honestly believe that? “What difference does it make if I can be ordered to blow a pony's brains out for no good reason? Or-or that I'm a big part of keeping all of those slaves inside the walls? They're slaves! I might not be cracking the whip but I'm sure helping!”

“There's a pretty damned big difference in my book.” She crossed her arms. “Do you have any idea how many raiders we've killed or driven off? And don't get me started on the hellhounds. A lot of those slaves would be dead if it wasn't for us. And how do you know that pony wasn't in prison for a good reason? There's enough gangers, raiders, druggies and other lowlifes in here with the softer ponies that frankly a lot of the ponies that end up shot damn well deserved it.”

If that's what let her sleep at night, more power to her. It sure wasn't working for me. “...whatever. It doesn't matter anyway, does it? I can't change a thing about it.”

A look of concern flashed across her face, but vanished as soon as it came. “Kaz, I know it's hard to see it sometimes, maybe even most of the time, but we're not the bad guys here. Fillydelphia is a terrible place, but one day it won't be necessary anymore. One day, maybe not even that long from now, Red Eye will have things built up enough that the slavery won't be needed anymore.”

Hmph. That was just the same shit Heidi threw at me, just worded a bit nicer. I guess if you stayed a Talon long enough you had to just accept that or go crazy. Or be a sociopath maybe. She'd basically said as much before. “...sorry I said anything.”

The worry returned, remaining for a bit longer this time. “Kaz, I'm... just trying to help. You just remind me so much of Nadine, and it's kind of starting to scare me.”

I eyed her suspiciously before I remembered I had a small fire at my finger tips. The cigarette had halfway burnt down by then. I almost didn't even want it anymore, but rather than waste the gift I took another small puff. “...what's that supposed to mean?”

She dropped her smoke into the bottle. “Nadine stayed depressed all of the time. For a month or so before she died I was scared she was going to... hurt herself.”

Oh. That was it. “...I'm not going to shoot myself, Ida.” That was probably against the rules. A pang of guilt immediately shot through me for thinking something humorous like that. Suicide wasn't a thing to joke about. I'd heard someone talking about seeing ponies jump from buildings or kill themselves in other ways, but thankfully I hadn't seen such a thing. Nor had I seriously considered doing something like that myself. You'd be surprised how fast you'll think about other stuff when your mind wanders that way...

A tiny hint of relief might have shown through on her face. “Good... but... look, Kaz, no matter how bad it seems, it's never that bad, okay? We've all got your back. Always.”

For her benefit I offered a small nod before depositing my cigarette in the bottle. “Thanks...” I sighed and rubbed my eyes. “I'm... just... so tired. I always get like this when I'm tired. Always have.” Blaming my depression on insomnia was stretching the truth way past the breaking point, but the conversation as a whole was making me feel intensely uncomfortable, so if I could deflect or end it soon I'd take any chance I got.

“You definitely look it. I don't think I've ever seen someone who looked so exhausted.” Because she probably really hadn't.

I lazily brought my claw up and moved it back and forth. “I haven't slept well since I got here, but the last week... I've barely slept at all. I kind of feel like I'm... swimming... or floating... sometimes. Can't remember shit...”

“We should get back to base then, so you can get to bed.” Ida stretched and stood, shuffling her wings to dislodge something grimy she'd picked up from the wall. Great, it had to be on me too, so I might get yelled at by Sam after all.

“I'll try, but I doubt it'll help...” I mumbled, joining her. Except for dusting myself off. I was just too tired to care. The wind shifted outside, causing the building to creak and groan as something flew overhead and winked out the rays of dim light coming through the boards in the ceiling. Heidi's threat resurfaced in my mind. 'I'll be checking up on you...'

Ida brushed some bottles aside on the floor and noticed I wasn't following. “You okay? Need to clear your head?”

“...does... the lieutenant know about this place?” I asked, already imagining what she might do if I wasn't back at base when I was expected.

“Yeah. I mean, I'm sure she does. She used to be a line trooper too.” She cocked her head. “Why?”

I sighed and moved to leave with her. “Nothing. Just... let's get back.”

The flight back was lost in a haze of grogginess with the longing hope that sleep might genuinely be awaiting me when I got back. Surprisingly, I really felt like I could go to sleep then. My insomnia episodes rarely lasted more than a couple of days, and no matter how bad they got I eventually always got sleepy enough to power through the mental barriers and pass out one night. It had to be about time for that to happen. Maybe I'd really feel better about all of this if I did. It all felt so insurmountable, but being rested always helped put things back into perspective and make them feel manageable again.

The euphoria of dreaming over sweet, glorious sleep began to fade almost as soon as we drew near the fortified perimeter of the base. From our approach I could see a solid black griffon marching away from our squad's barracks, and a wave of concern crashed through my sleepiness. Maybe Heidi really had flown by and noticed Ida and me spending unauthorized time off base. It had only been a few minutes! She wouldn't care about that, would she? But she probably wouldn't have much tolerance for tiny slip ups now. Captain Stern tolerated nothing short of perfection, so why should she?

My heart was racing as we landed. I could already hear Serge telling me to report to the lieutenant's office for unspecified reasons that I already knew. Why me? I didn't want any trouble...

Ida was reaching for the door when something dropped from the sky next to me. I started and whirled around in a drunken spin that almost cost me my balance. Who was-

“Kaz, there you are! Have you got any idea how long I've been waiting for you to get back?”

Oh, it was just Liese... “Uh... no?”

“Forever!” She stepped closer and quirked an eyebrow. “You look rough. You okay?”

Not really. Not really in the mood to talk either. “I'm just tired.”

Ida rejoined me and said, “He's had a long day. You need something?”

Liese sat back and folded her arms. “Settle down, I just want to talk to my little brother, okay? Who're you?”

“Ida Whiptail. His partner. You must be Liese Longtalons.” Wait, had I mentioned her to Ida before? Who knew. I couldn't remember half of what we talked about in the school already.

“Oh, so he's mentioned me, huh?” She gave me a playful shove. “And here I figured you were still ashamed to be my brother.”

I groaned and shook my head. “No. Look... what did you need? I'd kind of like to get to bed.”

She snorted. “Yeah, you look it. Anyway, I had some stuff I wanted to talk about. Come on, this won't take but a few minutes,” she said, waving for me to join her.

“Can't we do it here...?”

“Whoa, and here I thought you of all people would respect a bit of privacy. Seriously, it won't take but a few minutes. We can head over to the other side of the tracks.”

I stared at her with intense apathy, wishing that she'd get the message and come back later. Ida stepped forward and partially interposed herself between us. “Hey, if he doesn't want to talk, he doesn't want to talk.”

Liese cracked a knuckle, scrutinizing her. “You looking to start something?”

I raised a claw and shook my head. “No... no, it's fine. Whatever.”

“You sure?” Liese snorted and smirked at Ida. “I don't want to get beaten up by your girlfriend here.”

I trusted Ida enough to not do just that, but didn't give her a chance. “She's not... never mind. Whatever. Come on. Let's get this over with.” I wiped my face, rolled my eyes and stepped away from Ida.

The bigger griffoness glared daggers at Liese and said, “Hurry back Kaz, and don't go far. You're supposed to be back on base.”

I nodded and lifted into the air after Liese. Believe me, Ida, I wasn't going to test my luck any.

“Yeesh Kaz, couldn't you have picked someone who doesn't get her panties tied in knots over everything?”

I rolled my eyes. “...shut up...”

As she promised, Liese and I ended up just on the other side of the train tracks outside of the base. She was busy sucking down a cigarette as she kicked a few rocks apparently just for the, well, kicks. I wasn't offered a smoke and still didn't have any myself, so I just fought to stay upright while waiting for her to decide it was time to tell me why we had to fly out here rather than talk where we were.

“Alright, so. Here's the deal. I'm going on leave tomorrow so I wanted to discuss some stuff with you.” She tapped her cigarette clean of ash and coughed. “You been paid yet?”

Huh? “No... why?”

“You've been here... what, a month? You should have been paid twice already then.”

How long had it been? It felt like a year in some ways. With difficulty I coaxed my brain into counting back and answered, “It's... been three weeks I think. And if I have been paid I never got it.”

“Definitely should have been. Some retard must have lost your paperwork or something. Or your lieutenant or sergeant are screw ups.” She chuckled. “Heidi's a real hard ass, so I doubt it. Probably just an idiot higher up. You'll have to bitch at someone back at HQ to get that sorted out probably.”

Oh, great. Where was that again? Did I care enough right then to find out? Obviously getting paid hadn't mattered too much yet. “Yeah, yeah... why do you ask?”

She scanned me with her eyes and blew smoke in my direction. “Well, I got to thinking about how you're here to get money for papa, right? I've got three days. Not really enough time to fly off to somewhere like Friendship City but I thought I could, y'know, fly by Oatsfield or something.”

“...you'd really do that?” I really, really wasn't in the mood to go digging my way through bureaucratic procedures to find out where my pay was right then, but if it meant getting it back to papa I could give it a shot.

Liese rolled her eyes. “If the bits would help papa, then... yeah, sure. Jeez, you act like I hate him or something.”

Had me fooled. Okay, that wasn't really fair. She and papa hadn't gotten along in a long time, but she never really acted hostile toward him that I could recall. “...I didn't mean it like that...”

“Sure, sure. Anyway, I don't have any bits to spare, but whatever you want me to give him I'll give him, alright? Just make sure you get it to me by the end of the day. I'm leaving tomorrow at five in the morning. Not a minute later. You remember where my barracks are, right?”

...kind of. “The school near the clinic...?”

She thumped her cigarette butt onto the dirt. “Right. Classroom 217. Don't forget it, okay?”

“I'll try to remember. You know how I get...” I'm sure somebody could point me her way anyway. She kind of stood out.

“Yeah, yeah. Go get your pay and meet me there so you can get to bed.” She spread her wings and lifted off. “I'll see you later Kaz.”

“Later, Liese.” I waved her off and made a lazy half circle to start heading back to base. Well... that was a surprise. In no way did I feel like dealing with this mess, but to my shock Liese came through for me. A couple hundred bits ought to do papa a lot of good. I wished I could give it to him in person, but if Liese was really willing to talk to him now maybe it was for the best that she did it. They could use something to patch up the hole between them. Speaking of which, I should probably make sure Liese didn't tell him the bits came from me. He'd have to wonder when she ran into me and-

I froze as my claw stopped three paces from a distinct depression in the dirt that barely concealed something metal under the surface. Right, minefield. Fly like a sensible griffon.

As I took off I tried to quell my racing heart again. That was too close. I had to get some sleep soon. Already I could picture the lieutenant signing off on a KIA report for me with the cause of death listed as 'complete imbecile stepping on a landmine' or 'idiot flying into a smelter smokestack.'

...but it was just one more little errand... then I could get some desperately needed rest...

Serge helpfully confirmed Liese's observation that I should have been paid, but rather than attribute it to malice or stupidity he pointed out some obscure concept of being paid one period behind. It used to be common before the war or something. You'd work two pay periods before you got paid anything, then you'd get your last one a period after you quit. It was supposed to help retain employees or something... though how the hell that was supposed to work in this case I didn't have any idea and definitely couldn't be bothered to waste the brain power trying to figure it out.

On the other claw, he pointed out that I could try petitioning HQ for it given the circumstances. I really, really, really didn't want to do that, but I had to get my bits then or it would be forever and ever before I had another opportunity to send them to papa. What was the worst that could happen? Somebody might yell and tell me to beat it? Get in line.

HQ, as it turned out, was in some place called the FunBarn halfway across the city. Well before I saw the giant pink structure emblazoned with Pinkie Pies peeking through the city ahead I'd surmised that it was an amusement attraction of some kind in the distant past, but the closer I got the more shocked I became that Captain Stern would willingly set up her personal office and the rest of our upper echelons of command in such a gaudy building. It was certainly large, and through the open side I could see a chaotic mass of activity skittering about in the warm lights inside. Maybe the size had something to do with it? Whatever. I was among the lowest of the peons at the bottom of the decision making tree. Not my decision and not my problem.

I swooped over two giant cracked and pockmarked courtyards separated from the rest of the city by high chain fences and a series of electrified gates, glancing at the swarm of activity below. Dozens of ponies draped in heavy and well maintained barding patrolled the edges of the fences and along catwalks constructed with more than a modicum of care. Spotlights at each corner swept over the city surrounding it and twice as many machine gun nests dotted the fortification all around. Most of the soldiers below were busy watching slaves pull a train of wagons through the gate network and into the open maw of the barn, but more than a few trained their weapons my way briefly. Even tired as I was I made out a sniper rifle extending from a unicorn's magical haze to track me through the air for a few seconds. This wasn't a place to be trifled with...

Initially I'd planned to touch down and follow the wagons inside, but at the last moment I noticed a pair of landing pads jutting from the side of the building on its second floor, clearly constructed more recently judging by the lack of pink paint and splintering wood. Each was guarded by a Talon wielding the largest rifles I'd ever seen, easily as long as they were. Bloody biting mites, what were they designed for, killing dragons?

Both turned their heads to follow me as I slowed, banked and descended onto the nearest pad, and they shifted grips to ready their weapons. Maybe this wasn't the right place... The one on my platform, a white griffon whose armor indicated he was a sergeant, held up a hand. “Hold it. What's your business?”

“Uh... hi. This is HQ, isn't it? Captain Stern's base of operations?” I stayed put right where I was, lest one of those rifles kill me just by pointing my way. This place really wasn't somewhere to be trifled with...

“It is. The captain doesn't see just anybody. Is she expecting you?”

“No, I'm, uh... actually not here to see her. I don't think. My sergeant, uh, Sergeant Swiftwing from first platoon, third squad, said that this is where I should come to ask about some discrepancies in my pay?” Oh, this was going great already.

The two exchanged amused glances. The muddy brown griffoness on the other platform smirked. “That's probably Chief Hookbill's department. I hope you're not here to negotiate a raise.” She chuckled without elaborating further.

“Yeah, go see her. She's through here, downstairs one level and... three doors down. Don't stray and definitely don't bother the captain. You're being watched.” Sergeant whoever stepped aside and shrugged at the door behind him.

I happily scurried on, offering a quick thanks as I went. Time to get this done with. Hey, at least I found out I didn't have to talk to the captain. After my last encounter with her I wasn't in any hurry to do that. Ever. I'd be even happier if she wasn't in the building, but if she was half as busy as she sounded odds were low I'd see her anyway. ...but I was getting distracted. Let's see... Chief Hookbill... Maybe if I was lucky the offices would be labeled.

To my abject shock, they were. I descended the framed metal staircase to find myself in a long hallway of nigh-pristine, if unpainted, wood and metal doors. Metal nameplates composed of interchangeable letters adorned each, and right where it was supposed to be was a door labeled 'CWO Isolde Hookbill, Acquisitions'. That was easy. Hopefully the unending clangs of metal and clacks and clops of hooves from down the hall wouldn't be too distracting. Steeling myself, I knocked at the door. Maybe she wasn't here.

“Come in,” a distant female voice directed.

Okay, she was here. I cracked the door and stepped inside to find... rows and rows of rusty shelves burdened with ragged cardboard boxes overflowing with random bits of things I couldn't identify. No sign of anyone. This was an office? “Uh...”

Shuffling preceded a peach feathered griffoness limping from behind a shelf into the center of the room. Her side was littered with old scars. I couldn't count the bullet scars clustered around her shoulder with a quick glance, or guess what caused her wing to hang at the odd angle, but I absolutely wasn't going to stare to figure it out. “What can I do for you?” she asked before pulling a clipboard from the bag at her side and flipping over a few pages.

“Ah... sorry to bother you... ma'am? But, uh... I was told you might be the one to talk to about my pay?”

She flipped the pages back down and raised an eyebrow at me. “That depends. What about it?”

“Uh, well... you see, I've only been here for three weeks, but something came up and I kind of need an advance on my pay. My sergeant said that we, uh, usually get paid a period behind?”

Chief Hookbill scoffed and went back to reading. “What happened? Did you lose a bet at the bar last night?”

“No ma'am... my sister was, ah... she was about to uh, go on leave, and was going to visit our father. I wanted to send some of my pay back with her to give to him.” Might as well be honest, right?

She nodded slowly. “Alright. I'll authorize it, but I don't have time to deal with it right now.”

Dammit. Please, for once just let my life be simple. Please? “C-can I get it tonight?”

“Sure.” She looked down the rows of shelves and said, “Hey, Musty Tome, get over here. Got something for you to do.”

Hooves clattered excitedly and a dust colored unicorn stallion skittered into view. Even at this distance I could see dozens of long scarred over whip lashes on his back and look of concern on his face. “Yes, ma'am?”

“Go take the private here and give him half of his coming pay. Hurry back, the captain's breathing down my neck about figuring out where that EFS scanner ran off to.”

He hunkered down and slipped past her to join me. “Yes ma'am. I-I think I found some records on it just a moment ago.”

She nodded us off and went back to her business, while this Musty Tome led me out of the room and down the hall. We made our way down another flight of stairs and across a side passage to the main floor where at least a hundred ponies and dozen griffons were falling over each other while pulling supplies off of the wagons that just came in. “R-right this way, sir.” Musty took us down another side passage, past a red-maned black stallion moping back toward the main floor and up to a door guarded by two massive stallions in heavy barding.

The unicorn on the left hefted an assault rifle in his magic and cast a harsh glance at us. “What?” The earth pony on the right didn't bother even checking the quad shotgun battle saddle he wore.

“S-sorry to disturb you, but Ms. Hookbill told me to get this Talon his pay.”

The two exchanged tired glances and the earth pony shouldered the thick steel door open. “Fine, but make it quick. And we're watching you, shrimp.” He eyed me. “That goes for you too. This ain't your cozy barracks. Don't fuck with anything.”

I suddenly understood poor Musty's meekness as I scurried in after him. He hurried up to a row of safes covered in flaking paint and rolls of tickets and started fooling with the dial on the closest. It didn't seem to like his combination, prompting a little whimper. “I-I'm sorry, I'm t-trying, it... it just... m-maybe they changed the code...”

“It's okay, really. Please, take your time...” I said, trying hard to sound nonthreatening. Poor pony... I didn't want to know what happened around here. Had Isolde beaten him? Or someone else? I... I didn't want to know. There was no good answer, but I didn't need to let my opinion of any more of my superiors sink much more.

He didn't respond, but after a another two tries and desperate pulls of the handle he managed to get the safe open with a deep groan. “Phew... s-sorry. Um, w-would you like that in scrips or bits?”

...what? “I'm sorry... scrips?”

“Uh... scrips.” He floated a roll of white tickets labeled 'Admit One' out of the safe. “Oh... oh, s-sorry, sir, I... I forgot you were new. Scrips a-are good for anything in the city, b-but not worth much outside. If... if you want bits then you get only half as many...”

“What?” I stared at the roll of tickets from two hundred years ago in mild disbelief. No, I should have expected this. Dammit. Really? Really!? Really. Nothing was going to be simple. Ever. Graaagh... son of a... what kind of horseshit was-

Musty dropped the tickets and backed away, covering his face. “I-I'm sorry! It-it-it's the rules!”

...huh? I calmed down and shook my head. “No... no, it's fine. I need it in bits, please.” Fuck, whatever. I didn't care anymore.

Musty recomposed himself and slunk back over to the safe. “Y-yes sir. I... I'm sorry, sir, what was your name? And rank?”

“Private Kasimir Longtalons. I've been here for three weeks total.”

“Thank you...” He floated out a small bag and started counting its contents. “That's... three hundred for two weeks. Ms. Hookbill said half... and... in bits...” He set some coins back inside the safe and presented the purse to me. “Seventy-five. Please return the bag to your quartermaster when it's empty.”

Seventy-five? That was it? That... was barely enough to pay papa's rent for half a month. Shit. Still... it was better than nothing. I sighed and took it. “Alright, thank you.”

“You're welcome. Is... is there anything else I can help you with?”

“No, that's it.” I stuffed the bag down into my pack and grumbled to myself. A lot of good this was going to do...

Musty locked everything back up and escorted me back out. Just as we stepped out, he bowled over and landed in a whimpering heap. I just managed to catch the earth pony withdrawing a foreleg. “Watch it, shrimp. If you break something in here we'll break you.”

“I-I'm sorry! I'll be more careful!”

“Hah, you better.” Earth pony mocked punching at him, sending the terrified stallion skittering back and into a pipe set into the wall. Without even the slightest bit of resistance, the rusty pipe snapped at its joint in the ceiling, spraying both soldiers with something that smelled amazingly like gray water. “Ugh... fuck! You little shit, you're dead!”

I stepped between them and made my best attempt at an intimidating scowl. “He's an assistant to Talon Chief Warrant Officer Isolde Hookbill, so if you know what's good for you you'll leave him alone. You caused that, and you know it.”

“The fuck do you think you are?” he retorted. He made a sweeping gesture with his hoof. “I swear, you birds keep giving us lip, like you're better than us. Just because you've got those stupid chicken wings and some trumped up history you think you can walk all over us.” He stabbed that titanic, smelly hoof in my face. “Both of you beat it before I beat you.”

Okay, I was honestly pretty frightened, but managed to not show it. I helped Musty up, despite his protests, and shooed him along before this boiled over into something that would get me chewed out or worse by Heidi or the captain.

“We'll be seeing you, shrimp...”

It was all I could do to part with him at that moment. Pinfeathers... he was actually tearing up from fear. His immediate future was probably going to be... bleak...

...not that there was anything I could do for him...

My depressing detour by the FunBarn must have taken close to an hour, flight time included, so by the time I was making it back to the high school where Liese was stationed the day was starting to drag on. Sunsets were hard to really observe from below the perpetual cloud cover, but to a griffon who'd been above the clouds a few times in his life it was possible to pick out the subtle red shift to the clouds. I'd wasted a lot of possible sleeping time, but it would be worth it. Papa needed the bits more than I needed rest, and in all honesty I probably wasn't going to get much anyway. Already I was having to fight to avoid dwelling on Musty on the flight over. That was probably going to persist as I tried to get to sleep. Had he been beaten by Ms. Hookbill? Was that happening right now as I thought about it? Or did those two stallions corner and attack him like they promised? Maybe...

...I needed to stop. I just registered the clinic zipping by beneath me and the guard I nearly flew right into, and immediately flared my wings to brake and lose altitude. Activity at second platoon's base was winding down for the night already, leaving only the perimeter guards at the parking lot gate and circling around the campus. They didn't seem to pay me any attention as I swooped by and plopped down on the cracked asphalt with a total lack of grace. The long rows of gently glowing windows spun and swam around me as I shook the daze out of my head and caught my breath. Bloody pinfeathers... I couldn't ever remember being so tired. I just needed to sit and... collect myself for a moment...

“Trooper, you look lost.” I fought off the daze and spun to face the deep voice, finding a powerfully built white and brown mottled griffon gazing down at me. The bars on his pauldrons indicated he was a lieutenant. Lieutenant Strongclaws? I hoped I wasn't breaking some rule here... “I don't recognize you. Identify yourself.”

I snapped to attention. “Private Kasimir Longtalons, sir. From first platoon.”

He studied me a moment more. “And what's your business here, Private Longtalons?”

“My sister is stationed here. Liese Longtalons. She's going on leave tomorrow and I needed to give her... something to deliver to our father while she was out.”

This griffon had an intensely creepy lack of emotion. “And what would this 'something' be?”

“Money, sir.” Did I need to tell him the exact amount and where I got it from? Please, this wasn't complicated, really!

“Hmm.” He tilted his head to the brick building next to us. “Fifth squad is garrisoned here. If your sister isn't here, Sergeant Swiftwind is.” He turned to leave. “Don't be long. Lieutenant Blackfeathers would likely prefer you were back at your own base.”

“Yes sir, I'll be quick.” Yikes, that was a genuinely concerning thing to hear. Was he about to go radio her that one of her troops was doing something wrong? He'd have to be a complete jerk to do that without telling me. But considering where I was and who I was working for... No, I'd just have to accept what he said at face value and hurry.

Without wasting any more time I hurried over to the metal framed stairs at the end of the building and ascended to the second floor. Liese said she was in classroom 217 right? Or... 271? Either would be on the second floor, and I should be able to quickly narrow down the specific room.

The hallway I emerged into stank to the high heavens of cigarettes and something else I couldn't identify. Clearly the rules were a bit different around here than back at my base. I darted inside and started scanning the room numbers as I went, wishing the lighting was better. Every other light set into the tile roof was burnt out or flickering madly, making it hard to read. Room 271 was dark, so that scratched it as an option. I skipped a branching hallway and kept going to the other end of the hall where the lit rooms were, and to my relief I found room 217 occupied. At least I hoped that was the room number I was reading. Might have been 219. Here went nothing...

My knock was answered by a gloomy looking dark yellow-orange griffon. “Yes?” he asked simply.

Hey... he looked familiar. “Alfred?”

He blinked and cocked his head. “Dr. Longtalons? Err, what can I do for you?”

Oh, it was him! A familiar face. Not someone I really knew, but seeing someone I actually recognized and had interacted with was nice for a change. Maybe he'd be inclined to help me since I helped him not die from drinking brewed alcoholic poison. I made a little wave. “Uh, hi. Is this fifth squad? I'm looking for my sister.”

His eyes flew open. “You're Liese's brother? Longtalons... never put that together before. Yeah, she's here. Hang on a sec.”

Well, what do you know. Something was finally simple. Alfred disappeared behind a pile of crates in the classroom, replaced moments later by my solid gray sister. “Kaz! Hey, you actually came. I thought you might just pass out on the tracks back there.”

“Give me a little credit. I'm pretty used to this now,” I grumbled while trying to look alert.

She grinned and leaned against the door frame. “Just pulling your wing. So, have any trouble finding the place?”

“Not really. Uh, Lieutenant Strongclaws showed me the way.” I shuddered a bit under my skin. “He's... direct.”

“You ain't seen shit. When he gets mad he just looks at you. He's got a stare that could scare a ghoul into shaping up.” She giggled at her own joke. “So, did you get the money?”

The bits had naturally migrated to the very bottom of my bag, but I found them despite their attempt to complicate my life. “Here. They'd only give me seventy-five. It's not much, but it's something.”

She weighed the purse in her claw and untied it to peek inside. “What? That's a ripoff! Jeez, they must be paying new recruits peanuts these days.”

“It was half of my pay in advance, and you know how the scrip to bits thing works.”

“Yeah, still, horseshit.” She tied it back up and locked eyes with me. “So. Anything you want me to tell papa?”

As much as it hurt me to lie to him indirectly, it was for his own good. “...not really. Liese, you can't tell him I sent the bits.”

“Huh? You must be more tired than you look. Don't you want him to know daddy's little boy is looking out for him?”

I groaned and rolled my eyes. Yes, but no. “If you tell him, then he'll know I'm working here or at least ask how you got the bits from me. It's... it's just simpler not to even risk it.”

She cocked her beak and tossed the bits in the air a few times. “Pfft. If you say so. Wouldn't want him to know you'd grown a pair or anything.”

“Liese, this isn't funny. I'm serious here. You know maybe it wouldn't be a terrible thing if he thought you cared about him.”

“Hey!” She poked my breastplate with a talon. “I care. You think I'd be wasting time in Oatsfield if I didn't?”

I gave her a flat expression. “Just pulling your wing.” Not really, but then that's what she'd say.

“Hmph. Sure, okay, funny guy. I'll give him the bits and won't tell him you're working for Red Eye. Deal?”

“Deal.” I'd have to sort out later how I would do this on a regular basis, or how I'd ever write him letters. Liese's letters always came with the caravans. Maybe I could fake the source somehow?

She tapped her talons on the door frame. “Yeah. Okay. Anyway. You should probably head back. Need to get that sleep, right?”

“Right...”

Liese pushed off the door and backed inside. “Right. I'll catch up with you when I get back then. See you around.”

“See you.” I turned away and plodded back toward the exit. Somehow, that hadn't been as uplifting as I'd hoped. Interacting with Liese here in Fillydelphia was quickly proving to be a sure source of depressing news or feelings, but this went beyond even that. Papa was going to have to find out I was here sooner or later, and when he did, it wasn't going to be pretty. Would it actually kill him? No. As a doctor I knew better than that, but... it might as well.

Yeah... sorry papa... but sometimes we have to do dirty things to get by these days.

Please forgive me.

Sleep didn't come.

Perhaps that wasn't honest. I think maybe I slept for an hour or two that night, purely out of my brain completely shutting down, but all that did was give me a taste of the sweet bliss of not feeling like the hollow shell of a griffon shambling around with just the most fleeting awareness of what he was doing anymore.

No, the unending cascade of worrisome and depressing thoughts kept me from ever completely falling into a deep and restful sleep. I hovered on the edge a dozen times maybe, feeling my body slowly numb and calm in anticipation of dreams. Yet, every time I got close, something shattered through the fog to remind me that there was too much to think about to dare sleep. The teasing rapidly wore on my frayed nerves, driving me deeper and deeper into seething anger at the unfairness of it all. I couldn't do my job because of how awful I felt, but that put me so on edge I couldn't relax to sleep! It... it was an unending cycle of pain and misery! Surely it would only finally end terribly for me. I dreaded thinking about what would finally happen during my grogginess that got me sent to the crater or the mines for being a complete, irreparable fuck up. A slave was going to escape... or Captain Stern would see me dozing off because I couldn't help it... or I'd sneeze in front of Master Red Eye... or... or...

“Kaz! Kaz, get up! This is the third time I woke you!”

I started awake and flew out of the bed into a sprawled mass on the floor. “Wh... nghh... sorry...” But... but I'd f-finally managed to fall asleep... it couldn't be time to get up already... it wasn't fair...

Ida pulled me up and helped me fall back on my haunches. “Hangnails from Hell, Kaz, you look terrible.” She started digging through my footlocker for... I... think it was my footlocker. “Are you even able to work today?”

“...I... have a ch...oice?” I couldn't even focus on her. Every time I resolved her into a single Ida my eyes crossed and produced two blurry yet clearly distressed griffonesses in front of me. Everything felt weightless for a moment and I caught myself on the edge of the cot just in time to avoid spilling myself all over her feet.

“Shit...” She looked out into the common area. “Sarge, Kaz doesn't look good.”

Serge popped in. “He's not ready to leave yet? You two were supposed to be gone a minute ago!”

“...sorry. Just... give me a sec...” My head hurt in ways I'd never experienced before. Just thinking about getting ready made me feel nauseated. Please... please, if there's anything good left in this world just let me slip back into that glorious, wonderful cot...

“He's not in any shape to patrol today. Can he work at the clinic or something?”

Serge grimaced. “Looks like you're in even worse shape for that. But, no, not today. Lieutenant Blackfeathers just left for there. She had to find a replacement for someone at the FunBarn or something. Anyway, she won't be happy to see you there when you're scheduled for something else. Unless you're throwing up or broke something I can't send you as a patient. C'mon, get up and moving. You'll feel better if you do.”

Piss off. What do you know about how I feel? I decided to just keep my beak shut and forced myself up. He was right about one thing though. I wasn't going to let Heidi see me slacking. If I had to patrol feeling like I was dying, then so be it. I wanted her to see me working anyway, no matter what. I'd show her. “...I'll be fine...”

Ida didn't look convinced, but she started laying my stuff out anyway. “Hurry up then. We're late already.”

“...yeah...”

Even before we left the barracks I knew I'd made a mistake. I couldn't walk straight. I could barely hold a cup of coffee without my hand shaking so much it went everywhere. The coffee didn't help. I didn't even eat anything, since there was no time and I felt like I'd just vomit up anything I ate anyway. The fact that I could have gotten excused to the clinic had I done that didn't strike me until we were a dozen blocks away and already overlooking... the rest of Fillydelphia. At that point I didn't care. I wasn't going to give in and break. I wasn't going to be a failure. If I fucked up again, Heidi would probably take my leave for the rest of my life. I'd never see papa again. I'd... I'd...

I couldn't remember what I was even thinking about. Every few minutes I'd blink my eyes open and realize I'd followed Ida somewhere new without any memory of how we got there or how I'd avoided slamming into something and killing myself this time. Often times I only returned to lucidity because such a thing came dangerously close to being true. I grunted and corrected my course after my wing slapped into a crane... or something. It should have hurt like hell, but even pain felt distant and unimportant then. I had no idea where we were or where we were going. Maybe ten minutes had passed. Maybe five hours. I just didn't know. All I could do was beg and pray that it would be over soon so I could collapse somewhere and just die if I couldn't sleep. Anything would be preferable to this half-existence of constant confusion and aches...

It wasn't fair. None of this was fair! Even if I hated what I was doing in Fillydelphia, I had been trying, dammit! Dammit to fucking Hell! I didn't talk back to my superiors or shirk my duties! I wanted to do what I was told, but nothing was coming out right! Everything went wrong around me, and always had! Every pony and griffon I'd tried to help in this city was worse off for it! Nothing good could ever happen here. Nothing you did with good intentions could be anything other than heart wrenching awfulness thrown in your face just to show you how fucking insignificantly futile any attempt to make Equestria a better place now was.

Glitter Dust died in unspeakable agony because I'd had the mercy to not shoot her. That pony Liese killed? If I hadn't been here in this city trying to do something to bond with my sister, he might still be alive. Even that pony I had to execute was a hundred times worse off for meeting me. Anybody else would have put him down quickly, but I had to fucking miss like the fuck up I was and scare him to death first. Hell, even that pony I hurt by being a retard and breaking the window panes was probably dead now because of me. If he didn't get an infection in this environment it would have been a blessing from the pony goddesses themselves, but even if he didn't he'd probably been accused of stealing the bandages and shot dead where he stood. Oh, and let's not forget Musty Tome, who was probably rotting in a dumpster right fucking now because I'd wanted to get my meager pay for this hellacious duty. 'A replacement for somebody at the FunBarn.' Couldn't be anybody else. Those two stallions came and probably tortured him to death last night because they scared him into breaking a pipe and giving them what they deserved. So now Heidi had to go get a griffon to replace him, who they wouldn't mess with.

...which all came back to the worst of it. I was stuck here.

I couldn't flee. I couldn't say no to anybody. I couldn't try to mitigate the disasters I was sparking. All I could do was let the pieces of shattered lives slip between my fingers every time I turned a corner. Papa would be disgusted to be related to me.

...and...and why wouldn't he be? Who'd want to be the father of someone like me? Someone who left a fairly peaceful little town as a doctor and started working for slavers to make sure that ponies suffered? He'd probably slam the door in my face if I showed up now. It would be the best possible outcome...

...if it even mattered. I'd never see him again anyway. Serge told me... he... fuck. I couldn't remember what he said about leave. All I remember when I asked is he said it would be a while. Papa was sick. He was going to find out from Liese I was here. She'd think it was funny or good for both of us or something. Fuck her. She'd tell him and he'd die before I ever even had a chance to see him again.

My chest ached and my throat spasmed, but I wasn't going to cry. Heidi was probably watching. Oh, gods help me if I cried in front of her. She'd... probably... she'd think...

I jerked awake at the sensation of something tugging at my talons and looked down to see something... dark... tumbling away. What could it be? Had something broken free of a building? Or a piece of my armor falling off? I'd been so damned sleepy when putting it on...

No.

Please, holy heavens, no.

It was my gun.

I spluttered to a halt in the air and watched helplessly as it spun away toward the street below. There was no way to catch it before it hit the ground, and there was no way it was going to survive the impact. It was going to be destroyed. Heidi would know. I'd have to pay for it in bits and blood, I knew. Involuntarily, my claws raised to the sides of my face. She was going to be watching me. She was going to know! I was dead!

BLAM

The report reached me an instant before the scream. That scream... the scream that even now, decades later, I'll never forget. The scream that still haunts me in my nightmares.

Ida lurched in the air and twisted over halfway, screaming and screeching as she lost altitude. Her limbs flailed as she grabbed at her side and rolled over completely. One wing flapped while the other hung limply in the wind. I stared in horror, stunned. Only my wings could move, flapping irregularly to keep me aloft while she plummeted further and further down, wailing the entire way. Summoning strength and will from depths I didn't think existed, I dove after her, shouting her name and reaching my claws out to catch her.

Books where a griffon dives heroically after another to catch them in the nick of time are horseshit. Complete and utter horseshit. I never had a prayer of reaching her.

I was still at least four stories off the ground when she hit, but at that distance I could vividly hear bones pulverized by the impact. Her screams cut out as she bounced once, spraying a puff of white feathers in her wake and sending her gun and bits of armor and equipment slinging in an arc after her. Her rifle spun end-over-end twice before landing neatly in a dumpster and causing the lid to slam closed.

My heart froze. No, my entire body froze. Ice shot down my spine as I slammed down in the street, but not even the jarring impact could snap me out of the stupor I was in. What I'd just witnessed couldn't have happened. There... there was no way I'd just dropped my gun and shot Ida. It... wasn't possible. I was just hallucinating from lack of sleep.

No. No, it had happened. I'd shot her and was just standing there dumbly.

“Ida... Ida!” I broke into a sprint and tore down the street toward her, kicking or trampling trash and bits of scrap as I went. She'd fallen thirty... forty meters at least. I knew even then what I'd find when I got to her, but it didn't matter. I skidded in a puddle and nearly bowled over on top of her, but caught myself on an adjacent light pole that left me looking over her. Already, I was tearing my medical kit off of my webbing and grabbing for healing potions. It wouldn't heal the bones right, but fuck it! It was her only hope! She'd rather be alive and having bones reset than dead!

There was no way in hell her back wasn't hurt somehow, and fuck me with a rusty pole, I didn't have anything to properly stabilize her neck with! Throwing caution out the window, I hunched over her to administer a potion. By blind luck she'd ended on her back, so I didn't have to manipulate her much to get her into a position to pour the potion down her throat. Dammit, she'd probably aspirate on some of it, but the healing magic mattered more than pneumonia down the road. I popped the top from one vial of purple liquid and poured it straight into her open beak.

It was then that I noticed the blood collected in her beak and running from her nostrils and deep down in the feathers on the sides of her head. Shit! Shit, shit, shit! I'd expected some serious head trauma, but her skull had been fractured, probably in multiple places. She was completely unresponsive. No breathing, and if she had a pulse it was too faint to detect in the frantic two seconds I dared check for it. I panicked and my mind blanked. What was I supposed to do now!? Was there anything that could be done without the world's most talented unicorn doctor sitting right beside me? “Ida! Stay with me!” I pleaded as I uncorked two more vials of healing potion and dumped them down her throat. Nothing happened. The bleeding wouldn't stop. She wouldn't start breathing. She... just laid there, blackened eyes staring lifelessly through me as I squeaked and backed up two steps.

There had never been any chance to save her. The impact had shattered her skull and killed her instantly. Blood leaked from every orifice on her head. Both forelegs and wings had been broken in the fall, laying at obviously wrong angles to her sides. Even with her armor on I could tell her back was broken.

...she... she was dead.

I'd killed her.

I'd killed her.

I involuntarily gasped, clamped my beak shut with my claws and searched around me, whether absently looking to see who had witnessed my ghastly, horrific mistake or just out of pure confusion, I don't know. But whatever the reason there were those looking on. One by one, ponies popped their heads around corners and dumpsters, or peered through windows.

There was just so much shock and adrenaline pumping through my body that I didn't feel anything. I-I couldn't move. My eyes darted from one to the next as I just sat there, waiting for something to happen. They stared back. One pony broke and fled.

With extreme effort, I removed my claws and dared to look back at Ida's body. The numbness vanished in an instant to be replaced by overpowering nausea, but I didn't throw up. I just scrabbled backward into the side of a building and trembled. I'd killed her.

Unidentifiable shouts bounced down an alley. Something yelled above me.

I'd... killed her...

Armed ponies burst into the street, pointing guns every which way.

...she... was dead...

“Goddesses, what happened? Check the alleys!”

...it... it was a mistake...

Something landed hard near me and started shouting.

...why?

The griffon grabbed me by the shoulders and demanded something I didn't process. I didn't even recognize them or that they were speaking to me at first.

“...it-it was a mistake...”

Gain Experience – You gain 2,500 experience points for enduring the hardships of Fillydelphia. You know what they say, whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger...

Quest Perk Lost: A True, True Friend – ...but sometimes those around you don't fare so well.