The Generic HiE Story
by DreZoma
Chapters
Generic Prologue
Life is a big pile of shit. I have no job. I have no friends.
Maybe it's because I talk like this all the time. I mean, that does make sense.
Naw, life just sucks.
I'm living in a trashcan off the side of a train station. I don't get lullabies, I get fucking train horn things. Are they called sirens? Not sure. I don't think so. Either way, trains suck.
Everything sucks.
Life is a big pile of shit.
Oh wait, I already said that. Damn.
Maybe I should try harder to get friends or get a job, instead of moping at the bottom of a dumpster. Actually, dumpsters are too rich for me. Trash cans. Maybe if I stayed in school. I could afford a dumpster. Not a trashcan.
Actually, no.
School sucks.
School is a big pile of shit.
Hmm...
What if- what if being a better person could help me accomplish my dreams! If I dedicated myself to making others happy, wouldn't I be making myself happier? I could be wealthy not in money but in happiness! Pure joy! I would even be content with living in a trashcan if that happened! WOW! I SHOULD DEDICATE MY LIFE TO HELPING OTHERS!
Wait...
that sounds hard.
Never mind.
Laziness is the best.
Work sucks.
Happiness sucks.
I should probably kill myself or something.
Then people would be all like, "Woah! I feel so bad for that guy! I wish I gave him money and shit while he was alive".
Yeah... that sounds good.
That bridge in the distance looks pretty good. Yeah, I'm going over there.
Walking, walking, walking,
Damn it.
Walking sucks.
OH, at the bridge now. WOW! This is high up. Should I jump? Should I?
Remember the reward brain, remember the reward. If I jump now people will be all like, "WOAH! I wish I gave that guy money!" and shit, and I'll be the famous-ist corpse ever.
Still afraid to jump. Still afraid. Still afraid.
Just remember the worst things about life.
Okay,
Walking
Talking
Moving
Breathing
Working
My Ex-Girlfriend
OH! That last one sealed the deal. Totally. Wow, I'm so glad I'm going to die now. Seriously. I'm not even sarcastic. That lady was terrible. Really, really terrible. In fact, I'm jumping now so I don't have to think about that bitch any longer.
GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD! Here goes!
OHSHITHSIHTSIHSITHSISHITSHITSHITWHYDIDIDOTHISIMAFUCKINGIDIOTAHHHFUCKFUCKFUCKSHITLOLWAITDIDIJUSTLAUGHHOLYHELLIMDYINGAHHAHSHITSHITSHIT
SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-
Generic Story
ALL COMMENTS ABOUT THE AUTHOR ARE FICTIONAL, I DO NOT 'GET OFF' ON FILLIES BEING RAPED
---
There was a blue flash, and Jeffry Shitison blacked out.
Like, party drunk blacked out. Serious stuff.
-------
In Equestria, seconds later, an identical blue flash appeared, this time carrying a pony with it.
The pony hit the ground like "a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup." REFERENCE #12 causing a small crater to appear.
One pony, who happened to be named FlutterShy and who may or may not be the random love interest inserted here to add a sense of depth in an actually shallow story, heard the sound from her little cottage near the Everfree.
The pony named FlutterShy jumped in fear from the sound.
"Oh I wonder what that was I guess I'm going to go investigate because the author made me stupider then I am" Fluttershy said in surprise.
Somewhere outside the acting room, a certain purple unicorn face cried at the terribleness of this script. The other mares with her comforted her, letting her know it would all be over soon. I don't really get why, because I'm pretty sure this story is better then any of her others, but who cares what she thinks.
FlutterShy (who must have a lower IQ then previously thought, apparently) ran towards the Everfree to where the crater had landed.
When FlutterShy got to the crater, she gasped! It was a pony (I totally did not see that coming)!
She lifted up the pony with her magic-
Ahem, director, sir?
Yes?
Pegasi don't have magic.
She's a pegasus?
Um... yeah.
MOTHER OF GOD.
OK, so FlutterShy picked up the pony with her hands
Hooves, sir
OK, HOOVES.
and carried the pony back to her house. She didn't care if it was a serial killer or an alien, FlutterShy doesn't give a shit.
She's a ponybadger.
So FlutterShy tucked the mysterious pony in her bed- like I said, she's a ponybadger -and waited patiently beside her bed for the mysterious pony to wake up.
---
Jeffery Shitson woke up with a start. 'How- am I still alive?' he asked himself.
'Why am I in a different room?' also pulled up in his head.
He checked himself. NOT LIKE THAT YOU SILLIES
Eyes. Obvious check. Head. Again, obvious. Hooves. Check- wait a second.
Jeffery suddenly realized he was a pony.
He panicked for about 5 seconds then he immediately came to terms with his existence and all was well in the world.
Then he noticed the absolutely beautiful ponybadger by the bed. She was amazingly pretty, so Jeffery put his best pickups line to work, "I see you got hooves, I got some too. We've got a lot in common. Let's do it."
I can see why he didn't get another girlfriend...
HEY I MADE THAT LINE ALL BY MYSELF, SO SHUT YOUR MOUTH
Anyways, haters aside, FlutterShy said, "I found you in the woods and yes I would like to do it."
See, ponybadger.
Umm, I think the actors aren't really taking kindly to this next scene.
What do you mean? Why?
They don't want to do it. I think it's because they didn't realize it was going to include clop.
Fine...
So Jeffry and FlutterShy had awesome sex. Nothing explict. Just, normal, passionate sex.
Laying in the aftermath, Jeffry spoke, "Wow. Now that I met you and I'm a pony, I found a meaning to life."
FlutterShy asked, "What were you before a pony?" casually, because she's a fucking ponybadger. We were over this.
Outside the studio, a certain purple unicorn nearly exploded in anger. Probably not because of the story, this thing is PRO
Jeffry said, "Well I was human and I hated everything. Then I came here and stopped hating everything."
"Maybe we could talk to Twilight to figure out how you got here"
"OK"
So the new couple set off towards Twilight's treehouse to find out why Jeffry came here even though it would accomplish virtually nothing.
They found Twilight inside the library, her eyes still wet for some reason probably not related to the writing of the story. They ignored it and instead asked about Jeffry.
"Twilight this is my new boyfriend-" FlutterShy got super shy, not because of my attempt to keep her in character, and stopped talking.
Jeffry sensed this and went in, saving FlutterShy, because he knew everything about FlutterShy from the sex they had 12 minutes ago. Makes sense, right?
"My name is Jeffry Shitison and I was once a human but now I'm not I want to know why for no apparent reason."
Twilight looked out in shock, but knew what to do. She read a book on what to do when a trans-dimensional being appears in your town looking for help and is now the boyfriend of one of your best friends. Makes sense. There's an app for everything. There's a book reading app. So, if there's an app for everything, and there's a book reading app, that means there's a book for everything. Perfect sense, alright?
"I will help you. I read a book on it." Twilight sighed... I didn't write that, what gives lady? Do I REALLY have to say this? I mean, you don't give your impression about things in a story if you are WRITING IT! You don't have to say, 'because it makes perfect sense' after you write something. That's just bad writing.
Just say the lines. As the author, I have control of the shipping.
OK, OK, OK! I don't want to have to molest fillies again! PLEASE!
That's what I thought...
Wait- molest fillies? I mean, I remember you raping us, but fillies?
Not time for that right now, Rainbow, seriously. I swear if the story doesn't continue soon this author's going to make me rape Scootaloo. Again.
Holy shit! This author's insane!
HEY! I STILL HAVE THE CONTROL HERE! RAINBOW DASH, DO YOU REALLY WANT TO HAVE TO RAPE TWILIGHT WITH PINKIE- AGAIN?
NO! OKAY! Damn it, it took forever to stop Twilight's nightmares! Seriously what's the deal with you and rape, anyway? ESPECIALLY TWILIGHT RAPE?
Yeah! You big fat meanie!
Seriously guys, I don't need more ponies into this, ESPECIALLY YOU Pinkie. I SERIOUSLY DO NOT WANT TO RAPE CARROTCAKE!
D:
WHAT THE HELL PINKIE? HOW'D YOU EVEN DO THAT?! YOU MADE A FACE WITH YOUR VOICE!-+
OKAY, SERIOUSLY, SHUT THE HELL UP. I HAVE HALF A MIND TO TURN THIS INTO ANOTHER CUPCAKE STORY.
OH NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! I'M SO SORRY!
You better be Rainbow.
LIKE I WAS SAYING,
Twilight said, "because we all know that makes perfect sense." Yeah, that's fucking right. No sarcasm. Perfect. "It will take me a while to collect the spell or whatever the hell it is us unicorns do, so why don't you go talk around town and stuff like in those old adventure games or when you talk to Tom Nook the first time in animal crossing and you get that job you know, LOL REFERENCE"
Best reference ever. It's so subtle too.
Twilight face hoofed. It's probably because she was face hoofing at herself compared to this AWESOME STORY!
So Jeffry and PonyBadger/FlutterShy walked around town until they found FlutterShy's friend Rainbow Dash.
"Oh, hey there Rainbow." FlutterShy greeted.
"Hey there FlutterShy I was busy doing 360-cartwheel-oversaws-" a quiet sigh could be heard, I don't really know why, I just wrote what I heard, "who's your friend"
"I'm Jeffry and I'm FlutterShy's boyfriend." Jeffry said, now doubting his role in this script.
HEY, what gives. The only thought I write down has to deal with this stuff? Geez, you guys are lousy actors.
"That's cool. I'm a... lespony... myself. Treat her right, you hear?" Dash said, beginning to fly away.
"I will!"
"Now if you excuse me I'm going to Twilight's for some special activities"
LOL LESPONY LOVE
Auth'r, I respect ti's is your story and all, but don'cha think that's a little too much?
What are you talking about, AppleJack?
"LESPONY LOVE" in caps, Auth'r. I'm not ev'n sure Rainbow is a lespony, let alone Twilight.
DUH, don't you see the way they look at each other?
Wait... if that was your reason for this, then what was your reason for making ME rape fillies?
WELL, it was going to be Pinkie Pie- but I think you looked sexier doing it.
Holy shit. Holy fucking shit. This author is insane. This author GETS OFF on fillies being raped.
It's sexy.
Rainbow is right, I mean REALLY! Who in their right minds would EVER-
Cupcakes.
TWILIGHT! FOR THE LOVE OF EQUESTRIA SHUT THE HELL UP!
Per'ps it may be better get'n it over wit'.
YOU TOO APPLEJACK! I DON'T WANT CUPCAKES!
Cupcakes are delicious though...
PINKIE! DON'T YOU EVER SAY THAT AGAIN! YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!
I do? OH that's good because for a second I didn't think I did and I was getting all-
Cupcakes.
SHUT THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOW!
Guys... maybe you should just listen to Rainbow.
YEAH! LISTEN TO FLUTTERSHY! ALSO, FLUTTERSHY SHUT THE HELL UP!
Eep!
Good.
Got that settled.
Where was I?
OH YEAH!
LOL LESPONY LOVE
So FlutterShy and Jeffry left Rainbow to her lesponiness and walked around some more until they found Pinkie.
"HEY FLUTTERSHY! I HAVE TO TALK IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE THAT'S HOW I NORMALLY TALK APPARENTLY!"
PINKIE! I told you not to say that!
Sorry...
"OOOOOOOOO DO YOU HAVE A COLTFRIEND?"
"Yes his name is Jeffry!" FlutterShy said shyly. It just did okay, don't question it.
"Hello my name is Jeffry." Jeffry said.
"Bye" Pinkie Pie said while the couple left.
"Is she always like that, because she was very weird even though I wasn't completely sure how exactly she was weird she just was okay oh celestia writers block WRITERS BLOCK AHHH" Jeffry said, not confused in his script at all.
"It's just Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie."
They went until they found Sweet Apple Acres where AppleJack was bucking apples.
HEH, BUCKING!
Sir?
Yes?
Is that really necessary? The actors are already angry as is.
Yes, yes it is.
I've had enough of this brutish authors intolerance to feelings! I have half a mind just to quit right here and now!
Um... Rarity, I don't think you should do that... I mean if you want to, not trying to control you or anything..
SERIOUSLY SHUT THE FUCK UP
I'm with Rainbow, I do NOT want cupcakes again.
Cupcakes are DELICIOUS THOUGH!
MY GARD, SHUT UP WILL YOU?
JESUS
So AppleJack was busy bucking apples like I said- she must REALLY like apples,
That's it, I'm leave'n.
NOOO WE DIDN'T GET TO THE GOOD PART YET
I'm getting out of here before I get turned into cupcakes!
YEAH THAT'S RIGHT! I STILL HAVE THAT POWER OVER YOU!
Not if I report you to Celestia. Which I'm doing either way. Filly molester.
You are just brutish! I'm afraid I'm siding with my friends here.
DAMN IT! THE STORY WAS JUST GETTING GOOD!
OOOOOoooo everypony's leaving! I better catch up!
I think I'll just go now, if that's okay...
Yeah. Seriously, the role of Jeffry was the worst role I've ever played in my career. You can go fuck yourself.
NOOO DON'T GO IF I TOLD YOU THAT I DO EVERY NIGHT WOULD YOU STAY?
I quit. Trust me boss, you're an ass.
Shit.
Non-Generic Epilogue
The author went to prison for charges of molestation.
What he finished of his story would be published in the "Worst stories ever made" book of history.
-----
Jeffry got a job in a new HiM fiction called "Adventures of Jeffry", which still sucked, but not as much as this one.
-----
The Mane Six continued producing stories, most of them were average.
Twilight never had to molest a filly again.
Rainbow was never made into baked goods again.
All was well.
-----
Then Pinkie read cupcakes and went insane.
Everyone died.
Some ponies were raped.
Things sucked.
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Real Authors Note:
Woah. This thing was a piece of shit.
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UPDATE:
I'm going to make an even shittier parody of PiE stories now, because I just read the shittiest one ever and that's reason enough.