Stout Shako for Two Refined!by Ruby Rose
Chapters
- (1) Pan to the FACE!
- (2) TRIPLE PAN!
- (3) So that is where the plot is going? PANTASTICAL!
- (4) Meet the DemoPAN!
- (5) Pinch of PANassium Chlorate!
- (Finale) [Br]eaking [P]AN!
(1) Pan to the FACE!
A thousand and three hundred years ago
"Thou are to halt right here, Persecution!" shouted Luna, as I looked at her, pointed my pan at her and said;
"Lass, I dinnae kno' who that Perseshushion guy issh, but I'll tell em to come ove' to ya." I slurred, so what? I was a little drunk.
What? I had to act in character.
"Ssho tell meh, will ya buy that Shako or pissh off?" I asked her, showing my precious Stout Shako.
We were in the Everfree Forest, not that far from the Castle of Royal Pony Sisters, and here, trying to subdue me was one of them, I wonder where that white one was, what was her name? Sealestia? Cestia? Oi! Celestia!
"Do not try to fool Us, Ye thief!" she warned me in the Royal Speech, making my glasses fall off.
"Lad, ye just done yer fate for mine glasshes, I wanted to do shish peashfully, but ye wrought it on yeself!" I warned her as I charged and hit her across the face with my powerful pan.
One thing you don't know? It's my pan that gives me powers, and you simply CAN'T take it from me.
Suddenly, the whitey, Celestia, lunged at me from bushes, knocking me off balance, picking Luna up and giving her those damned Elements. They started glowing and told me mine crimes done here. Their nerve!
"Persecution, for Thine crimes, Thee art to be turned to stone until times faraway! On Your long list is arson, theivery, assault on the Royal family and avoiding trial!" they said, both at one, the blade is two sided, or something along those lines, bitches!
"And ye can't even keep yer subjectssh in line!" I accused them, which didn't help very much.
Or at all.
Knowing that my fate is sealed, I made an awesome pose.
I stood up in my full glory, picking up my white, plastic glasses, took out the Shako and made a shit eating grin that just said:
"I'll be back!" which I totally just said to them.
"And We will be ready." they replied, that rainbow gay beam coming straight at me.
When I was almost completely in stone, I shouted;
"Also, bitshess, my name's Demopan!"
And then I was silent for thirteen hundred years.
'Hey, Dissy, bud, look at tha lil wee tour!' I said in that cool stone telepathy, one of the upsides of being in stone.
'I can sense a little chaos, I should be free on this one.' he replied, his statue not far away from mine, he's a pretty cool guy.
'You always say that, and it never happens.' I reminded him.
Here they were, almost next to us, a pretty small school tour. Leading them was a teacher, I'd later learn that her name's Cherilee.
"I want to start our field trip here, in the world-famous Canterlot sculpture garden. That one over there represents "Friendship". All right, my little ponies, this one represents "Victory"." the teacher told her tour
"How cool would it be to have that for a cutie mark?" asked a chicken little foal who couldn't fly. Sorry, couldn't help myself.
What? Don't look at me like that, I'm telling the story, anyways!
"Cool, if you were actually victoryful at somethin'." said a butter-collored filly earth pony with a southern accent, she butchered English HARD.
"That's not a word!" said a white unicorn, with a two-colored mane and a very squeaky voice.
"What are you, a dictionary?" asked the orange filly, who seriously couldn't fly. Okay! I'll stop!
"Girls! Now this is a really interesting statue. What do you notice about it?" scolded Cherilee, then asking them.
"It's got an eagle claw!" said the earth pony, Applebloom.
"And a lion paw!" said Scootaloo, the pegasus. See? I can stop myself?
"And a snake tail!" said the dictionary. Oh piss off and give me a rest, bloody princess!
"This creature is called a draconequus. He has the head of a pony and a body made up of all sorts of things. What do you suppose that represents?" said Cherilee, leading them up to my buddy, Discord.
"Confusion!"
"Evil!"
"Chaos!"
"It's not chaos, you dodo!" said Sweetie Belle, see? Even she makes fun out of the little orange chicken!
"Don't call me things I don't know the meaning of! And it is too chaos!"
"Is not!" shouted Squeaky Belle.
"You're both wrong!" here goes the English-butcher, as they jumped at eachother and started fighting. If this wouldn't have freed, I don't know what would have.
"Actually, in a way, you're all right. This statue represents "Discord" (I see what you did there!), which means a lack of harmony between ponies. In fact, you three have demonstrated discord so well that you're each going to write me an essay explaining it."
And then the whole group started lauging at them.
"Now let's go, and I don't want anymore fighting." said Cherilee
They moved on to me (oh pretty me finally getting attention!) as Discord's prison started to break.
'Don't laugh yet, they're still here.' I warned him, just so he didn't lose his chance.
'Don't worry, I'm not stupid, but you'll have to stay, your prison is too strong, maybe a year or two will weaken it.' he assured me.
'Thanks, mate, enjoy your few hours of freedom and spotlight!' I told him.
'Thanks, Demo.'
(2) TRIPLE PAN!
Two hours later
I watched as royal guards moved Discord’s statue back into the garden, and I said to him:
‘Back already? That was only two hours!’ I told him, as he stood there in silence.
‘You there, mate?’ I asked him, concerned? Was he mad at me? Or… no! He didn’t pull that trick! That little rat!
‘When I get out, I’ll just be-‘ I started but was interrupted by him, I was worried there for a moment!
‘Nothing to worry about, I’m right here, just disappointed, only two hours…’ he assured me, I could sense he was a little down on the spirit. See what I did there? Spirit of Chaos and all.
Eh… those are getting worse and worse, I’m not really in my joke prime, am I?
Anywaaays…
Where was I? Oh, it’s time for a super great time skip, because there was almost literally nothing happening!
Anyways, I must stop overusing anyways…
Anyways… hey! Don’t look at me like that, it’s really creepy!
TIME SKIP!
A year later, same garden, same castle, same best buddy.
‘Psst… Whitey’s coming over!’ I said to Discord as I stood there, in stone, not being able to move… I’m just trying to bore you with details so you can leave me alone, I’ve got a lot of time to sit out here, the Elements not being usable, so you not being able to turn me back to stone.
Oh, I forgot you are an egghead, and you’re a troll just waiting to strike.
So yeah, you walk up to Discord, all mighty and proud, we’re both making fun out of you, and suddenly you pick him up with magic and load him on a chariot.
So suddenly, we’re not laughing anymore, and we’re just saying last goodbyes, you separated us! Buddies in mischief and chaos!
You really are a terrible person. Or pony, whatever.
So I’m just sitting here, all alone, with no other statue to talk to… And then I realized this prison’s getting weaker, that in about a month’s time or so I’ll be free!
I shouted in triumph so loud that I think the prison was about to break right now.
I love gardeners, did I ever tell you that? While doing their jobs, they like to chat, what is going on in Equestria and all these matters, I always knew what was going on. When I heard you reformed Discord I just threw a fit. Reformed my best buddy so he was all goody-pants.
Fuck you.
I just hate you, simple as that, you with your short-temper back in the day attacked me first, no asking. Did I look like a fucking minotaur for you? I'll just give you a beating when I get free that you will cry for mommy!
That wasn’t a threat, that was a promise.
Back onto the story.
Two months later
The story’s first POV change ever!
‘Darn, I hate patrols so much! And that creepy statue, what the heck is this?’ I thought as I came closer to it, it was bipedal, like a minotaur, without the fur, horns and the big eyes. What is wrong with its eyes? They’re so small, animals have bigger!
And its… clothing. What kind of buckery was this? A vest loaded with some kinds of chemical bombs? On its back was some kind of a weapon for those little bombs, and on its waist was another gun, and a… pan?
Also, on its face were weird glasses and a treasure chest. The pan also had a tag with it, which said:
“Big Fucking Pan” I read out aloud.
‘BFP? It’s BFG you bloke! Did he never play DOOM?’ I thought, but suddenly…
CRACK
“Uh oh.”
Back to me
This fucker just called my pans name stupid, and he compared it to the DOOM puny gun! This piece of shit is getting a pan to the face!
I'm also free. Time to pwn some noobs.
When I was completely free from stone I grabbed my pan from my waist and SMASHED it in his face, I called my ancient pan magic and teleported to the doors to the garden, seperating the castle from it. I took out my sticky launcher and set up four bombs, and one under my feet.
I asked the pan for a blessing against explosions, jumped, and detonated the bombs, I flew through the golden door, from the sticky that propelled me.
Fortunately, today was Sparkles coronation party gala thing.
So I made a quick checklist.
1. Smash a pan in Celestia's face.
2. Smash a pan in Twilight's face.
4. Crash this party overall.
5. Escape.
6. Send out requests to other humans so they can join me in my quest/I can join them in my quest.
7. ???
8. Profit!
I was flying, and with my cool, magical pan slowed the time down. You were there talking to a stuck-up noble, and Sparkle was talking to her friend. Rarity, I think? Kill two birds with one stone, right? Or rather, three. So I'm flying in Sparkles direction, she's all shocked, and SMASH across the face.
And it all fell silent. The time's back to normal, every noble is panicking, you're all shocked, Rarity's just standing there, looking at the shocked Twilight on the floor. I remember back in the day when I smashed Starswirl across the face with the very same pan, you should feel honored, I had an objective back then, smash everyone important. I almost did it, except for the changeling queen back then, what was her name? Ambrosia?
So I smash Rarity with the pan, and sticky jump over to you. You're still shocked, so I smash you HARD with the pan. How's that tooth? Still out? I wonder you say "beaver"? "Beafer?"
I hate you too. So now I had to find a can. Fortunately, there was a stall with food for "commoners". So I grab a can of something, open it, and pour it on a random noble, and crush it on my head.
The party's crashed, now to send out invites, how do I do this? Some original way... I know! Unusuals lying around other people's realms! They pick it up with the instructions, They pull on the effect, I'm summoned, they put the hat on, they're summoned.
(3) So that is where the plot is going? PANTASTICAL!
I, Zephaniah Mann, being of sound mind, so hereby vow to haunt the earth as a horrifying poltergeist, until such time as I have quenched my all-consuming thirst for vengeance against he world, and especially against my dunderhead sons.
If it takes a brave man to admit he is in error, then surely a man willing to admit both of his sons are stumble-bum muttonheads is twice as brave. It was they who convinced me to spend the entirety of my sizeable fortune purchasing land in the unclaimed frontier of the Americas, in the hope of expanding our weapons concern to the uncolonized westernmost regions. Many tales did they whisper in my too credulous ears, of gravel as far as the eye can see, for any man with strong back and iron spirit to harness. Long did I dream of transforming these virgin lands, and its vast holes, into the worlds most majestic and profitable pits of gravel. But when at last we arrived, we only found "fool's gravel" -- my nitwit sons had purchased a continent-sized parcel of sand! It is here in this wind-swept desert hell that I fear I shall breathe my last.
Since moving from my Cambridgeshire estate to the untamed frontier I have contracted putrid fever, bilious fever, blackwater fever, green fever, spotted fever -- even womb fever, as a complication from a serious bout of superfluous uterus. On our sailing trip to the new world I contracted white plague, marasmus, sweating sickness, deplumatious tumors of the eyelids, pleurisy membranous croup and scarlet rash; during the drive west I contracted brain itch, stomatitus, and blood poisoning; since settling our estate I have contracted falling sickness, walking sickness, stationary sickness, shingles, jaundiced spine and skull bloat. I contracted scirvener's palsy in the writing of this last will & testament. Possessing no paper in this godforsaken frontier, I have penned this on my own skin, which has sloughed off in quantity since contracting impetigo.
To the foul-smelling, uneducated simpletons of the untamed Americas, I leave only this curse -- as weapons have caused my downfall, so will it engineer the downfall of any soul who puts one to use near my restless grave. Shoot over my bones, and I shall visit upon you a haunting the likes of which you have never seen.
To my dearest maidservant Elizabeth I leave the rest and residue of my estate -- including all deeds, accounts, debts public and private -- my tobacco plantation -- and what remains of the fortune my addle-pated sons have squandered. Find the gravel that I was unable to find! Honor me by placing it inside a pit!
To my faithful aide and tracker, Barmabas Hale of the savage Australias, I divest complete control of the Mann & Sons Munitions Concern. You procured the poppy flowers required for the medicines that gave me succor from the pains of my many warring ailments. It has been pleasant to not shriek myself to sleep.
To my layabout, brain defective sons, Blutarch and Redmond, I leave the greatest curse of all -- partnership. What land I have purchased in this new world is to be split evenly between you both. You have wasted your lives bickering over nothing and so I leave you dimwits something of consequence over which to feed.
Lastly, to [obscured text due to sand] I leave the entirety of my [obscured text due to sand] and swear you to utmost secrecy in its keeping.
God and His angels will have to drag me screaming to Heaven. I do not want to die! Damn you all to hell!
Zephaniah Mann
Yee, that's what I found here, in Equestria. Like hell I know what tha' means, but know this, little petty alicorn princesses, and I say it to all four of you, you're in trouble, because the Headless Horseless Horsemann is here along with the ghost of Zepheniah, and ye are in trouble.
And with the Headless Horseless Horsemann comes the REDs and BLUs, yer in a hell of trouble. Better start making fortifications.
And with the teams, comes Grey Mann, and his robots. Don't ask me what kind of trouble you are in, maybe you could buy them so they will work for you, as they are mercenaries?
There is one thing you should pray for.
That Merasmus and Saxton Hale don't come here.
(4) Meet the DemoPAN!
Yeah, you heard that right, a lot of dangers from my world is coming over, now, back on the story.
After I escaped, I'm just walking through the Everfree, because what better place to hide? So I'm just walking and walking, blasting monsters away with my pan, its magic and my weapons.
And here I go on the main road, and there's about a three dozen or so guards. Are you serious? You sent out guards after me? You really ARE stupid. Oh. Then your captain is stupid.
So they all gallop up to me, surround me, point their spears at me, and tell me to give up.
Time for a bloodbath.
So I'm just walking up to them, whistling, pan ready.
So there's that one guard, whispering to his teammate,
"I fear no buck, but that... thing. It scares me."
And the other one replies,
"One shudders to imagine, what inhumane thoughts lie behind those glasses, what dreams of chronic and sustained cruelty."
I start up running, and singing, I swing my pan at one, while shouting
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?" as I swing the pan in one's face.
"IN A YOUNG GUARD'S HEART!" as I punch another one.
"HOW THE MUSIC CAN FREE HIM WHENEVER IT STARTS!" as I kick another one, I shoot a sticky under my feet.
"And it's MAGIC!" as I sail through the air, up to the next guard, who already has a terrified expression on his face.
"If the music is GROOVY!" bang, panshot.
"It makes you feel like an old-time MOVIE!" I shout as I swung my pan so hard that it creates a big gust of air that knocks out a bunch of guards.
"I'll tell you about the MAGIC," I shout, as the guards start retreating into the forest. I charge up magic in my pan,
"It'll free your SOUL!" as a giant fireball sails through the air, igniting the forest.
"But it's like telling a stranger about rock and roll..."
One guard screams as the fire signs his flank.
"Don't bother to choose,
If it's jug band music
or rhythm and blues."
I keep singing as the forest is burning all around me.
Another guards screams, a pegasus, as a falling, burning tree almost hits him.
"Your feet start tapping,
and you can't seem to find.
How you got here,
so just blow your mind!"
"No!" one unicorn guards shouts as burning trees fall around him, he's trying to put down the fire! HAH!
So I just knocked him out.
"If you believe in magic,
come along with me.
We'll dance until the morning,
just you and me."
"And maybe, if the music's right..."
"I'm burning!" shouted one guard, as his mane was on fire, he interrupted my singing!
Another guard is shouting as he is running around, burning.
One pegasus falls from the air, crawling up to me and screaming for help.
So I swing my pan at him.
So I just walk away, whistling, as their higher up was just beaten up by me.
And not a single pony died that day.
(5) Pinch of PANassium Chlorate!
You don't believe me, nerd? Then check the report on the Everfree Fire. Not a single pony dead. Arson, thievery? All fun, except for murder, murder is just bad. It's not fun at all. Now, you assholes, may I get back onto the story? The quicker I tell the story, the faster I get free.
I won't get free? You don't even know the half of it. Aww boo hoo hoo! So what if you took the pan away, I can just teleport it to myself.
Magic resistant chains? Bitch, please. I can snap those with a pull of my arm. Don't believe me? Look.
Hahaha! You see? I'm here because I want to tell you my story, I accepted the chains to make you feel comfortable, the second the story's finished, I'm strengthening the links between our worlds, so every possible human can come here! Wow, now I feel like a typical, monologuing villain.
Harr harr, fuck you too.
What was that?
What makes me a good demoman?
What kind of a qu- never mind...
If I were a bad Demoman, I wouldn't be sitting here, discussing with ya, now would I?
So I'm walking out of tha forest, out in the Minotaur and Griffin lands.
So I get it, ya send out mercenaries. Real smart. Too bad I'm not a typical demoman!
They've got more fecking sea monsters in the great Lochett Ness than they've got the likes of me!
One crossed wire, one wayward pinch of potassium chlorate, one errant twitch... and kablooie!
I'm a bloody proffesional, as my friend, Sniper would say! The BLU Sniper, like me, the RED is an asshole.
That big bunch, five minotaurs, two griffins, a pony and a diamond dog, sounds like a bad bar joke.
T'all you fine dandies so proud, so cocksure.
Prancin' aboot with your heads full of eyeballs! Come and get me I say!
I take out my launcher, and shoot one bomb among them, making them jump away, one of the minotaurs close to me, so I swing my pan at him and smash! Out cold.
I'll be waiting on ya with a whiff of the 'ol brimstone. I'm a grim bloody fable... with an unhappy bloody end!
A griffin flew through the air at me, I threw a sticky at me feet, detonated and boom! I got me a new steed! So I grab this dumb bird's feathers and tug to the left, as we fly at the group of mercs.
Now, I don't really give a fuck that ponies and other creatures are hard to kill, but I know that, so I take out the launcher and spew a bunch of bombs, I throw it away, and take out the Loose Cannon, and boom! Almost every single one is knocked out with charred fur, left standing is the unicorn, diamond dog, my steed who is trying to get free and a minotaur.
So I crash the griffon into the minotaur, smash the dog and turn to the unicorn.
"Come at me, beast, for I am the great Explosion Noise!"
So cocksure, lad, yer dead! I grabbed my pan and pointed it at him, laughing like a maniac.
"They'll have ta glue you back together, in TARTARUS!"
I'm gonna beat that dumb look out of his stupid face! SO... I called upon my pantastical magic and summoned none other than the Headless, Horseless Horsemann.
I forgot that it was Halloween on my world, so he's tired and beat up. So he just appeared, without his pumpkin head, in his pink bathrobe in pumpkins and ghosts, flipped me the bird and disappeared.
So I had to terrorise yet one more pony in my stay here.
Fine by me.
I charged with my shield, my pan glowing with the power of the Crit god, and WHAM...
...on his shield.
HOLY FUCK, just how strong WAS that guy? He blocked my pan! AND a crit! It would just have killed a Soldier in one hit, and he blocked it!
Too bad his shield just fell, and he collapsed. Though I gave him an applause for trying.
"Not too shabby. kiddo." I said and just walked away, of course seeing he was charging his horn and throwing a fireball at me.
Not too bright, though.
I just inhaled deeply, and let it out at the fireball, which just disappeared.
I'm like the fucken wolf from that little childhood story!
Anyways, we're getting close to the end of the story, lads, you all managed to sit out, so I'll give you a tip if you want to contain my wrath...
...get my mates.
(Finale) [Br]eaking [P]AN!
Uhh... wait? What was next? Oh, yeah... I drank my ass off.
Uh, yeah, I think that's it, I just drank my ass off.
And then you found me, drunk and you got me here.
Yeah, that's just it. I should break free right now, but I'll give you a little head start, and let you try to summon me mates, ye have like what, three hours? Yeah, six hours should be sufficent.
What are you waiting for? The clock is ticking!
Well, that was easy to get rid of them, now to work out these chains... I seriously got that one accidentally.
Three hours later,
POV change, third person
"I AM FREE!" Demopan bellowed, free.
Guards ran in to his cell and surrounded him.
"When the Devil is too busy..." he started singing, as he teleported in his pan, the guards suddenly gained a look of fear.
"...And Death's a bit too much..." he continued, walking closer to a random guard.
"They call on me by name you see," he sang as he placed a foot on the guard's shoulders.
"...For my special touch." he went on as he propelled himself, pushing away from the guard, flying through the cell to the doors, he closed them, and enchanted them so the guards wouldn't get out.
"To the Gentlemen I'm Miss Fortune
To the Ladies I'm Sir Prize
But call me by any name
Any way it's all the same"
"I'm the fly in your soup," he sang as he hit a guard across the pace with his pan, turning to the next bunch of guards running towards him.
"I'm the pebble in your shoe" as he placed a sticky under his feet.
"I'm the demon in your bed" as he was flying through the air.
"I'm a bump on every head" as he charged through the ponies, knocking every single one like a bowling ball.
"I'm the peel on which you slip" as he kicked over a pony that tried to stand up.
"I'm a pin in every hip" as he walked away from them.
"I'm the thorn in your side" as he called upon the magic of his pan, as a lot of great thorn rose out from the floor, surrounding the guards.
"Makes you wriggle and writhe!"
"And it's so easy when you're evil" he sang as he danced through the hallways of the castle.
"This is the life, you see," as he pushed down a vase,
"The Devil tips his hat to me!" as he blown up a wall. An imaginary devil sitting on his shoulder.
"I do it all because I'm evil" as he smashed his pan upon a stray guard's face.
"And I do it all for free!"
"Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need!" As ponies were crying in the hallways.
"While there's children to make sad" as I burst through a big, golden door with a sun at the center, but not before I smashed a bunch of guard guarding it.
"While there's candy to be had." I looked around the room, noticing the magical presence of the Sparkle and Celestia, two missing, probably a trap
"While there's pockets left to pick" The room was shaped...
"While there's grannies left to trip down the stairs" ... weirdly
"I'll be there, I'll be waiting 'round the corner" going around a corner in the room, and finding them!
I grabbed my Loose Cannon,
"It's a game. I'm glad I'm in it"
"Stop right there, you will not win!"
"'Cause there's one born every minute" as I do a one eighty and shoot the cannon straight in Luna's face, but not setting it of, it was a random crit, she'd be giblets by now.
"I'm not planning to..."
"Why are you doing it?! When did we wrong you?
"And it's so easy when you're evil" as I throw my pan on the ground, causing the floor to crack, throwing up lots of dust in the room, which I shaped into a bunch of small whirlwinds, sweeping up all furniture, making the Princess of Love visible.
"This is the life, you see" as I throw an Ullapool Caber at her, it explodes and knocks her out.
"The Devil tips his hat to me" as I start slowly walking to the other two, Celestia standing before Twilight in a protective manner.
"I do it all because I'm evil" Loose Cannon comes up...
"And I do it all for free" ...dramatical pause as I keep singing...
"Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need" ... let's keep that pause, I ignite the dramatical fuse in the Loose Cannon and keep singing.
"I pledge my allegiance, to all things dark
And I promise on my damned soul
To do as I am told, Lord Beelzebub
Has never seen a soldier quite like me
Not only does his job, but does it happily."
And then I blow it out. I still keep singing.
"I'm the fear that keeps you awake
I'm the shadows on the wall
I'm the monsters they become
I'm the nightmare in your skull
I'm a dagger in your back
An extra turn upon the rack
I'm the quivering of your heart
A stabbing pain, a sudden start."
I teleport in the middle of them, grab them both...
...and hug them?
"Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need
And I do it all for free
Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need
And I do it all for free
Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need!"
"You already cried, didn't you?
I just learned I can go back to my homeworld with those new cool powers!
I just wanted to see the great and smug princessess cry,
I feel like a jerk now, bye!" As I teleported out of there.
There being this world. I left the rest of the song to hang in the air.
"It gets so lonely being evil
What I'd do to see a smile
Even for a little while
And no one loves you when you're evil..."
"P-princess... is it over?" Twilight asked her mentor as she stood up.
Celestia smiled and said:
"I think so, maybe he wasn't as evil, just chaotic?"
"I'm lying through my teeth!
Your tears are all the company I need!"
The song ended as an cannonball from the Loose Cannon I launched at Luna a while ago exploded near, scaring them both, and causing the other two to wake up...
... as Discord walked in.
"What happened here?" he asked, confused.
AN/2
I'm really sorry, but I can't get up to writing this anymore, follow me if you want to know when I publish my other take on the LoHAV, this time as a Dark Souls character.
And not a cosplay!