Anon in the Storyline

by Biscuits and Gravy

First published 18th of February, 2014

Twilight needed a faithful assistant for when she began her magical studies...too bad she didn't get spike.

Ever wondered what life would have been like if spike was never Twilight's assistant and instead, she got Anon?...no?...well here's a story about it anyway.

So join our Heroes as they conquer such obstacles like...Anon being a d*ck, Anon being Awesome, Anon being there and Anon trying just that little too hard to be funny.

in other words... I'm going to see how many different social groups, racial groups, religions, sexual orientations, countries, names and even dogs I can offend before I get arrested for hate crimes.

So if you don't get offended by this, then good job, you're one of the lucky ones.

Yeah this is going to be one of those fics.

Cover art done by Burst

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Constructive criticism is always welcome (Especially when I'm trying something new.)

Chapter one: Friendship is Magic (Mare in the moon)

“Anon! ANON!...Anon?”

“What?” The human says, sat upon a makeshift throne of books. Twilight, stunned by his antics, just stands there, a horrified look on her face. Anon just rolls his eyes exaggeratedly. “I remember where I got them from. God, relax for once.”

Twilight, bursting out of her stupor, shakes her head and rushes of to some unnamed part of the library, searching frantically. “Quick, find me that old copy of predictions and prophecies...and why are you sitting on that...thing?” Anon just shrugs.

“Got bored.”

“Oh Anon...you know we don't have time for that sort of thing.” She says brushing book after book off of a pile.

“Uh... I thought we were on a break?” Anon says questioningly. Twilight ignites her horn and pulls several books out of the very top book shelf in front of her, then levitates them all in front of her, reading each of their covers one by one.

“No. No. No, No, nonono...Urg! Anon!” Anon, sitting on his throne, pulls up the book being used as an armrest and throws it at her, not casting her a glance.

“Aha!” She catches it in her magic and walks over to a podium and begins to flip through the pages. “Elements. Elements. E, E, E, aha. Elements of harmony: see...mare in the moon?”

Anon looks up form his throne. “Mare in the moon? Isn't that that stupid story about a horse being trapped in the moon or some weird shit like that?” Twilight continues to ignore Anon as she flips through the book's pages again.

“Mare. Mare. AH HA! The mare in the moon. Myth from olden pony times. A powerful pony who wanted to rule Equestria, defeated by the elements of harmony and imprisoned in the moon. Legend has it that on the longest day of the thousandth year the stars will aid in her escape and she will bring about night time, eternal. *gasp* Anon do you know what this means?” Twilight exclaims, looking to her human assistant.

“That there really is crack in Equestria?” Twilight just rushes over with a scroll in her mouth and tackles him of of his throne. She quickly stuffs the scroll in his hand.

“Take a note please.-” She states with a level of authority that implies power.Anon just rolls his eyes and grabs a quill and the scroll. “- to the princess.”

“Well...duh!” He readies his quill. Twilight starts to recite what she wanted him to write, word for word, while pacing around her library, nervously.

“My dearest teacher. My continuing studies of pony magic have lead me to discover that we are on the precipice of disaster.” She stops and looks to Anon with an arched eyebrow.

“What?...Is that it?” Twilight just shakes her head slightly and returns to her reciting.

“For you see, the mythical mare in the moon is in fact nightmare moon and she's about to return to Equestria and bring with her eternal night. Something must be done to make sure this terrible prophecy does not come true. I await your quick response. Your faithful student. Twilight Sparkle.”

“...Twilight Sparkle. Got it.”Anon repeats the name and looks to her to indicate he's finished. Twilight smiles and looks out of her massive window.

“Great. Send it.” She says with a smug smile and an eye roll. Anon stands there trying not to laugh.

“Twilight...You know I respect your decisions and all...But you literally read one book on the matter. Don't you think the data could be inaccurate? Besides, I'm sure Princess Celestia is very busy at this time of year, given the summer sun celebration and all. And I highly doubt that there is is anything to worry about, I mean she got banished to the moon! I'm pretty sure she'd be dead...if not from lack of air, then from the fact that it was one thousand years ago and I don't think anyone can live that long.” Twilight looks to him with dead serious eyes and smushes her nose to his, making him feel really uncomfortable.

“Anon, the day after tomorrow is the thousandth year of the summer sun celebration. It's imperative that the princess is told right away.” Anon cocks his brow in an 'are you shitting me?' expression.

“Are you even listening to me? The freaking moon Twilight. There is no way that anypony could be sent there, even by magic and I'm sure that...”

“Anon! now!” Twilight yells loud enough to throw Anon though his book throne into a heap on the floor.

“Okay! Okay! Calm your tits.” Anon says pulling out a gem and slicing into his palm. He winces a bit as the blood pours out of the open wound and onto to scroll, but his expression diminishes when the wound reseals and the scroll vanishes in a puff of flame. The smoke and ashes flying out of the window on it's way to the princess. “There, it's on it's way...Happy? I'll just wait for the princess to send a letter asking you to grow up. And get some popcorn, cos this gonna be good.” Twilight just paces away from him and with a smug look on her face...

“Oh, I'm not worried Anon. The princess trusts me completely. In all the years she's been my mentor she's never once doubted me.” Anon was about to retort but the wound burst open again and blood spilled out onto the floor. It then warped and shaped into the form of a scroll. Anon just winced and picked it up off the floor and begins to read it. “I fucking hate doing that.” Anon says under his breath.

“See! I knew she would want to take immediate action.” Twilight says smugly.

After clearing his throat Anon begins to read through the letter out loud. “My dearest most faithful student twilight. You know that I value your diligence and that I trust you completely-” Twilight gazes out of her window with a smug recollecting look on her mussel. Anon's grin grow to levels of complete 'I told you so'-ness and with as little restrained laughter as possible. “- BUT you simply must stop reading those dusty old books! Ha I freaking told you!” Twilights eyes go wide with a gasp.

The next day, Anon and twilight are soaring through the air on a royal carriage being pulled by two of the royal guard. As Twilight looks over the Anon, still trying to contain his laughter, continues to re-read the scroll sent by Celestia.

“My dear Twilight. There is more to a young Pony's life than studying. So I'm sending you to supervise the preparations for the summer sun celebration in this years location...Ponyville...Urg...I've been here for twelve years and I still can't stand the pony puns...is that even a pun? ANYWAY...*achem*...and I have an even more essential task for you to complete,-” Anon puts on the most condescending tone he could “-make some friends. Oh Christ that's the gayest thing I've ever heard. Seriously, that is full blown 'take it up the Ass and call me Julie' levels of gayness.” Twilight let's out a groan of frustration at Anon's antics.

“Oh this is going to be hilarious. YOU! Making friends?! Ahahaha. Man, you can barely talk to me, let alone anyone else. Hey! At least we'll be staying in a library, that should make you happy. Oh wait nothing does! Ahahaha!” Twilight just perks up from that.

“Actually it does make me happy! You know why?-” The human just stops laughing at the pony's misfortune to listens to her. “-because I'm right. I'll check on the preparations as fast as I can, then get to the library to get some proof of nightmare moon's return.” Anon, just gives the most faux hurt he could and fake puppy dog eyes.

“But when will you make any friends? Hahaha!.. I cannot keep a straight face! This is the stupidest objective I have ever heard! Seriously!?” Twilight nods and jumps off of the carriage as it had landed in Ponyville.

“Indeed, However she said that I needed to check on preparations. I am her student and I'll do my royal duty, but the fate of Equestria does not rest on me making friends.” The carriage touches down and The pair jumped off. After thanking the guards they walked into town.

“That's all well and good but maybe you should avoid pissing off the princess. Just talk to someone and say you tried. Then we can get this done with and head home, before I get stoned for being different.” Anon was of course talking about all the ponies who were now staring at him, wide eyed and mouths agape. He got this every time he went somewhere new.

A pink pony trots by, completely oblivious to their presence. Seeing the opportunity anon pushes Twilight forward to encourage her to talk to someone. She takes the hint and begins to try to talk to this pink pony.

“Uh...hello?” Twilight's attempt was commendable, Anon couldn't see anything wrong with it, The pink pony however just leaped into the air, gasping loudly, and zipped off. Leaving the pony and human standing there completely bewildered.

“Yeah...Equestria definitely has crack now...Possibly crystal meth...oh god I hope there's an Equestrian braking bad.”

“Well. That was interesting all right.” Twilight says statistically

“Come on. I'm starting to get uncomfortable with all of the staring.” Anon says looking nervously to one mare who was not looking at him fearfully, more...Crazily. The mare was a mint green unicorn with a lyre on her flank. He felt it would be best to leave...now. He walks over to Twilight's side, shuddering from all of the unwanted attention.

The two were walking down a dirt road towards a farm of some sorts. Anon brings out a check-list and begins to read off of it from top to bottom.

“Summer Sun Celebration: Official overseer's check list. Number one: Banquet Preparations – sweet apple acres...seriously? Do we really need this?” Twilight just nods as they both cross under some archway into the farmland.

“YEEHAW!” And orange mare runs over to a tree, spins around, launches her back hooves into the trunk and all of the apples on the tree fall into perfectly placed baskets underneath. The orange pony just stands there with her front hooves crossed, looking proud.

“Does she do that little show every time? Or does she know we're here?” Anon says as Twilight begins to walk over the the mare with her head held low.

“*sigh* let's get this over with.-” When she gets within range of the Mare she begins to introduce herself. “- My name is Twilight Sparkle-” She stops abruptly when she found her hoof being shaken to the point of removal by this Orange Mare.

“Well Howdy do, Miss twilight! A pleasure Makin' your aquaintanc- WHAT THE BUCK IS THAT?!” She recoils at the sight of Anon who also recoils from the sudden outburst. The Orange Mare Grabs Twilight by the shoulders and throws her behind herself to shield her from the monster about to attack destroy her livelihood. Before anyone can say anything, The mare had already tackled Anon to the floor and began throwing Hoofs into his chest.

“Get outta here Miss Twilight! Ah'll protect you from this vile beast!” She says as she throws punch after punch at the defenseless human, landing in the chest, neck and face.

She stops abruptly when she found herself being lifted into the air by unicorn magic. “what in the hay are ya'll doin'?! It'll get away!” Twilight storms up to the mare with a death glare presented on her face, causing the mare to visibly shrink.

“I would greatly appreciate it if you didn't harm my assistant.” She says in a quiet passive aggressive tone. The mare just gulps as she is unceremoniously dumped onto the floor.

“That thing's yer pet?!” She says pointing a hoof at Anon.

“Her assistant. And my name is Anonymous. Thank you very much.” The mare just grows a blush and stands up. Twilight Gulps, Anon never wanted to be referred to as anonymous, unless he reallydidn't like the pony.

“Eh...Am so sorry mister Anonymous, I wasn't thinking and...let me make it up you two.” She lifts Anonymous to his feat and backs away, rather quickly. Twilight moved to walk besides Anon.

“Are you okay?” She asks with genuine concern for her friend.

“I'm fine.” He says, though a little bitterly. “I'm just sick of this every time we go somewhere new.” They all gather around the table the mare lead them to.

“Name's Applejack by the way. What can Ah do ya for?” Twilight casts one final concerned gaze towards Anon before turning to the mare, now known as Applejack, and begins to explain her task.

“*achem* well. I am in fact here to supervise preparations for the summer sun celebration. And you're in charge of the food?” The mare lifts a hoof and stamps it down In enthusiasm.

“We sure as sugar are! Care to sample some?” Twilight just smiles.

“As long as it doesn't take...” Applejack zips off into the distance. “...too long.”

The sound of a triangle ringing throughout the area can be heard and Applejack can be heard calling “SOUPS ON EVERYPONY!” Anon and Twilight didn't have time to dodge before a stampede of ponies ran them over and dragged them to a more dressed table. Dazed they could only watch as the ponies started to pile on food.

“Now why don't I introduce Y'all to the Apple family?” Applejack says gesturing to the ponies around them.

Twilight grows a sheepish expression.“Thanks but I really need to hurry-” An apple fritter is shoved in her face.

“This here's Apple Fritter.” A mare with some toffee apples come up and drops them on the table. “Apple Bumpkin.”

“Red Gala. Red Delicious, Golden Delicious, Caramel Apple, Apple Strudel, Apple Tart, Baked Apples, Apple Brioche, apple Cinnamon Crisp! *GASP* BIG Mackintosh, Applebloom, AAANNNDDD...” She shoves a green apple in Twilight's mouth and points to an elderly green mare sleeping on her rocker. “...Granny Smith. Up an at em Granny Smith. We've got Guests.” The Elderly Mare Snorts herself awake and walks over mumbling nonsense on her way. Until she gets to Anon that is.

“Holy rattle on a Rattlesnake! Run Run fer yer Lives!” The Green mare suddenly grows some ability in her body and charges down the road. Anon Just groans and turns to Twilight.

“Twilight, can we go before I get hung or something?” Applejack just walks over to him.

“Aww come on Anonymous....er can ah call ya Anon?”

“No.” Anon says sternly as she nervously chuckles, Obviously feeling the fire behind his tone.

“Well come on and have something to eat. Ah think y'all will enjoy it.” Anon just groans.

“You know you're not using 'Y'all' correctly right?” She just arches her eyebrow in confusion. “Actually Twilight? I've changed my mind. Can we go before I kill someone?” Everyone around them gasps at his threat. “Aww come on...it's a joke!...Ya know what? I'll go do the next item on the list. You stay here and sample the food. I'll See you at...” He reads down the list. “..Miss Rarity got it. I'll go see this Rainbow Dash.” And with that he walks off.

“Y'all have a strange pet Miss Twilight.” One of the little yellow ones says. Twilight just gives a nervous chuckle and looks down.

“He's not my pet.”

“Stupid red-neck ponies. Stupid Horse land, stupid fucking world.” Anon curses as he walks down the town, He was supposedly looking for a mare named Rainbow Dash, who was supposed to be handling the weather. But she's apparently either left or died because the entire sky was littered with fucking clouds.

*THUD*

Before he could think more on the matter Anon is launched several feet right into a mud-ridden puddle and a cyan pony landing on top of him.

“URG...what the fuck.” He says more to himself than the pony on top of him. Who was curently lifting herself off of him. With a nervous chuckle.

“Eh...Excuse m-WHAT THE HAY ARE YOU?!” She flies into the air taking a defensive stance.

“Human.” Anon says defensively. The cyan mare taking an attack stance.

“Likely story.” Anon tenses up a bit but prepares to sock the shit out of this walking skittle endorsement.

“Leave him alone.” Twilight bounds to the rescue. The pony lands on the ground, after leaving her stance, taking a seat.

“Eh who are you?” She asks Twilight.

“My name is Twilight Sparkle. And I am growing tired of all of you Ponyvillians harassing my friend.” The rainbow pony looks to Anon and then back to Twilight. She lets out another nervous chuckle.

“Ehhh...let me fix that.” She says remarking to Anon's now ruined and wet clothes. She flies off into the air and drags down one of the darker clouds and brings it to bear on him. Before he could protest he has a tidal wave of freezing water dumped on his person. When the mare sees this she starts to laugh in an instant.

“oops. I guess I overdid it...um...uh...Howboutthis.” She starts to fly in circles around him at speeds causing a miniature tornado to form and dry him off. “My very own patented rain-blow dry.” She hovers to the ground with a smug look on her face. “Nono don't thank me. You're quite welcome.” She stops to see him rather unamused. His hair is everywhere and his clothes were messed up even further. Twilight is just watching him trying to restrain her laughter. This in turn causes the rainbow pony to burst into laughter, which causes Twilight to loose her resolve and join in on rolling on the floor in hysteria.

“I'm assuming you're Rainbow Dash.” Anon says. Rainbow Dash suddenly regains her composure and jumps upright.

“The one and only!” She zips into the air and towards his face. “Why ya heard of me?” Anon just rolls his eyes.

“Not really.” Her face falls at this. “You are in charge of clearing the skies. And based on the pride mane you're sporting I'm assuming You're Rainbow Dash?” She just nods

“Yeah I'll get on that. Just as soon as I've done practicing.” She says, she somehow managed to get to a cloud and lounge on it.

“Practicing? Practicing for what?” Twilight finally asks.

“THE WONDERBOLTS!” She says pointing towards a poster on a building. “They're gonna perform at the celebration tomorrow. And I'm gonna show em my stuff.” She says with a loop in the air.

“How is showing them your genitalia gonna help?” Twilight stamps on Anon's foot. “OW!”

Twilight just looks to Rainbow Dash and smiles. “The Wonderbolts?”

“Yup.”

“the most talented fliers in all of Equestria?”

“That's them.”

“Psht...Please. They'd never accept a pegasus who can't even keep the sky clear for one measly day.” Twilight says, turning her head in the most arrogant way possible.

“Hey! I could clear this sky in ten seconds flat!” Twilight looks back to her and narrows her eyes.

“Prove it.” Rainbow launches from her cloud dissipating it almost immediately. Moves to another, bucks it. Then to another, bucks it. Then another, then another three. Flying through several dissipating them. Then finishing off by hovering in the air in front of the unicorn and human.

“What'd I say? Ten. Seconds. Flat. I'd never leave Ponyville hanging.” Anon and Twilight just stared wide eyed and mouths agape. “Ha Ha! You should see the look on your face. You're a laugh Twilight sparkle. I can't wait to hang out some more.” And with that she flies off. Leaving Twilight's eyes widening.

Anon just rolls his eyes and walks off. “You coming to see this...” He looks to the list. “...rarity?” Twilight just rolls her eyes and follows.

“Decorations. Great.” Anon says as he walks through the town hall.

“What's wrong? I think they're lovely.” Twilight says.

“It's just that I'm probably about to get attacked again...probably by her.” He points to the white unicorn mare who is looking at different ribbons trying to decide which ones to use and which ones to discard.

“No. No. No. Oh goodness no.” Anon just rolls his eyes and pushes Twilight forward.

“Uh good afternoon.” Twilight says. The mare just shrugging it off.

“Just a moment please I'm in the zone, as it were...Ah yes! Sparkle always does the trick does it not? Why Rarity you are a talent. Now how can I help you-WOAH-HO-HO!” She screeches when she sees Anon.

“What. Are. You?” Anon just rolls his eyes as the white mare rushes over to see him.

“You see Twilight. This is where she hits me with something and you intervene. Before she does something brutal with a blunt object, like a bat or a club.” Rarity rushes around and starts to examine Anon.

“Oh my. You are so tall, so rugged, so...exotic.” She lifts herself up, holding her position, with a hoof on Anon's back, and inhales a deep breath of Anon's hair.

“Um...Twilight? I think I'd rather have her hit me with something. That would be less...creepy.” Anon says nervously.

“Oh But what are you wearing? Those clothes look absolutely dreadful!” She started to drag him out of the building. “We must do something about this right away.”

“HEY! HEY! HEY! The fuck are you doing?!” He shouts.

“Relax darling. I'm a professional.” She says dismissively

“Twilight help me!”

“Killing spree. Just saying.” Anon says, as he slumped on a podium in the most ridiculously frilly suit he has ever seen. Twilight just giggles at his antics.

“Oh Anon *tsk* *tsk* You look...nice.” She says as her face turned beet red with laughter.

“Oh darling What was I thinking. Try this on.” The mare, who they had found out was called Rarity, threw a suit at him and pushed him into the changing room.

“Now go on my dear. You were telling me where you're from.” Rarity says, taking a seat besides Twilight.

“Well, I've been sent from Canterlot to-”

“*GASP* Canterlot?! Oh I am so envious! The glamour...The sophistication! I've always dreamed of living there!...I can't wait to hear all about it. We're gonna be the best of friends, you and I.” Rarity snuggles her face into Twilight's, Which creeps her out completely. Fortunately Anon comes out of the changing room.

“I have to admit. I do like this.” Anon is sporting an all black suit with a white shirt and a red tie. “How did you know how to make this?” Rarity blushes and waves off the comment.

“Oh it was simple really, I just needed to get your measurements and analyse the clothes you were previously wearing. Do you like them?” Anon just nods and makes for the door.

“I love it. Thank you.” He attempts to hand her the payment for the suit, and she accepts...after thoroughly groping his hand...creeping him out even further.

“Twilight? Shouldn't we being going to sort the uh...?” he reaches into his pocket and locates the list.

“Yeah...the Music. Then we're done.”

“Oh you're leaving?” Rarity says downtrodden. “Very well. I'm sure you're royal duties take priority over idle chit-chat with little old me...But Anon?...” She walks up and leans into his ear. “...be sure to visit me again.” Anon just blinks and blushes.

“Twiillight...I really thing we should be going.” Twilight is quick to agree and rushes out of the Boutique.

“Ta ta hope to see you both again soon.” Rarity calls as the pair make their escape.

“Man I really can't wait for this to be over. This town is either going to kill me or...kill me. And what was that Rarity's deal anyway...No thank you!” Anon says as he walks besides Twilight. “lets just get this one finished before...”

He is cut off when the sound of beautiful birdsong rings throughout the area. The sounds draws Twilight and Anon to a small tree with many birds perched on the branches, singing a beautiful melody while a butter-yellow pony appears to be conducting them. They all stop when one of the birds starts to sing out of place.

“Oh my. Stop please everyone.” She flies up to the culprit.

“Excuse me sir, I mean no offence, but your rhythm is just a teeny tiny bit off.” She whispers gently to the bird, who nods as she flies back to the ground. Where she takes her position again and begins to instruct her birds.

“Now follow me please. A one, a two, a one two three-”

“HELLO!” Twilight yells startling both the pegasus and her birds.

“*cough* Smooth move, dipshit *cough*” Anon says as Twilight tries to salvage the situation.

“Oh my, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to frighten your birds. I'm just here to check up on the music and...it's sounding beautiful.” The pegasus lands on the ground next to Twilight and begins to scuff her hoof across the ground nervously. The two of them stand there in silence waiting for someone to speak.
“I'm Twilight Sparkle.”

“...”

“What's your name?” The mare begins to hide behind her mane, trying not to make eye contact.

“I'm Fluttershy” Twilight steps further forward.

“I'm sorry what was that?”

“um...my name is...um...Fluttershy” Twilight just smiles and takes another step forward.

“Didn't quite catch that.” The Mare had now shrunken down in fear and lets out a pitiful whimper.

“Twilight leave the poor thing alone, You're scaring her.” Anon says from behind Twilight. The Yellow Mare, noticing Anon, lights up and rushes over to him, knocking Twilight out of the way, who lands in a heap on the ground.

“Oh what are you? Are you some kind of Minotaur? No the hoof shape is all wrong. Are you a shaved diamond dog? No that's just silly? Oh what about...?” She starts to ramble off guesses as to what he is. Anon, afraid, looks to Twilight for assistance. She herself looks pissed, frustrated with the fact that this mare was so willing to give Anon her attention and not Herself.

Having had enough, Anon decided to stop her in her tracks. “Human! I'm a human.” Fluttershy just smiles and nods.

“I've never heard of a human before. Do you have a name? I'm Fluttershy.”

“Eheh...well My name is Anon. It's nice to meet you...uh...Fluttershy, but we really need to be going. Twilight?” Twilight just storms past Fluttershy dragging Anon by the collar.

“Wait. Can you tell me about yourself?” She asks. Anon just cocks an eyebrow.

“What do you want to know?” She squees and smiles.

“Oh everything.” Anon groans internally.

“Oh fuck nuggets this is going to be a long day. Well let's see it all started when little PurpleSmart here was fucking around with a mysterious spell tome she had no business fucking around with...”

“Aand there we go...urg...I've told you...pretty much...urg...everything.” Anon says as he and Twilight reach the Place they were staying. The Sky had gone orange as the day was nearing it's end and this Yellow Mare would not leave them the fuck alone.

“Oh Oh but what about-” Fluttershy tried to speak, but was cut off by Twilight.

“I am so sorry, how did we get here so fast. This is where I'm staying while I'm in Ponyville and my poor human really needs his sleep.” Of course the trio had in fact made it to the aforementioned library. Anon, getting the idea lets out an exaggerated yawn.

“Yep. I'm so tired I can barely keep my eyes open yadda yadda yadda.” Fluttershy flies up to Anon and starts to smush his cheeks together.

“Poor thing we simply must get him to bed right away.”

“Pleashe shtop toushing my fashe.” Anon says, his voice muffled by the fact that his cheeks were being smushed together. He was starting to get really impatient with these ponies.

“Oh okay.-” She says letting Anon go. “-I'll see you later then?” Anon and Twilight bid farewell to Fluttershy and rush into the Library. With a slam of the door the room is left in total darkness.

“Thanks Twilight. I don't know how much more of that I could take.” Anon says as Twilight trots over to Him.

“Its okay Anon, no need to thank me." She looks around sadly.

"What's up?" Anon asks.

"*sigh* I have to convince the Princess That Nightmare moon is coming and we're running out of time. I just need to be alone so I can without a bunch of crazy ponies trying to make friends all the time...now where's the light.” Just as she said light, the entire room illuminated and showed a room full of ponies of different sizes, shapes and colors.

“SURPRISE!” They all screamed in unison. Freaking the shit out of Anon and Twilight. As those weird party buzzers went off around the room, leaving Twilight to groan irritably.

“Surprise!” The pink pony from earlier came up to Twilight. “Hi I'm Pinkie Pie and I threw this party just for you! Were you surprised!? Wereyou? wereyou? Huh?huh?huh?” She was bouncing around Twilight so fast, waiting for an answer, that she could have caused an earthquake in Manehatten with the force of her bouncing.

“Yep that settles it. I was Hitler in a past life. It's the only way to explain why all this bad shit keeps happening to me.” Anon says rubbing his fingers into his brows. Twilight just ignores him and turns to the pink menace.

“Very Surprised! Libraries are supposed to be quiet.” Twilight says with irritation lacing her tone.

“Ohho that's silly! What kind of welcome party would this be if it were quiet!? I mean duh! Boorriiing!” Twilight begins to make her way through the crowd of ponies leaving Anon to mingle, much to his annoyance. The pink mare continued to talk, Twilight just tuning her out.

“You see, I saw you when you first got here remember? And you were all hello? And I was all *GASP!* Remember? You see, I’d never saw you before! and if I never saw you before, that means you're new! Because I know Everypony and I mean everypony in Ponyville!” Twilight lets out a irritated groan and continued to walk through the crowd.

“Goddamnit! Fuggof!” Anon shouts from across the room.

“at least Anon's enjoying himself.” Twilight thought to herself as the pink pony continued to talk.

“and if you're new! That meant you hadn't met anyone yet! and if you hadn't met anyone yet then you must not have any friends! And if you don't have any friends then you must be very lonely!” Twilight began to pour the contents of a bottle into a goblet, tuning out the pink mare's continued talking! “And that made me so sad. And I had an idea! And that's why I went *GASP!* I must throw a great big ginormous super-duper spectacular welcome party and invite everyone in Ponyville! See? And now you have lots and lots of friends!” Everypony from earlier had appeared out of nowhere. Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Rarity and Applejack all appeared at Pinkies call.

“Oh Fuck! the redneck's back!” Anon shouted from across the room. Nobody paying any mind. Twilight took deep gulps from her goblet full of the mysterious liquid and turned to look at the other ponies. Her face was red and tears were brimming from her eyes.

“Are you all right sugarcube?” Applejack asks, the sound of a kettle boiling could be heard coming from somewhere. Then, suddenly, Twilight's mane erupts into flames as she dashes off to one of the rooms.

“Aww, She's so happy she's crying!” Anon goes and inspects the bottle she placed in her goblet.

“Hot Sauce? HA! Talk about fucking desperate.” Pinkie comes over and nocks the hot sauce onto a cupcake and proceeds to eat it in one sitting. When she sees everyone's stares she shrugs.

“Mwat? Itsh good.” Anon looks up the stairs to where Twilight disappeared to.

"I hate this place." He says under his breath.

Twilight lay in her bed, with a pillow, covering her head to try and drown out the loud music playing downstairs. After multiple shuffling she couldn't stop the music from reaching her ears. So she let out an irritated groan and sat in her bed. After looking to the clock on the wall, she lets out a another groan.

Anon opens the door and looks to Twilight in her bed. “Hey Twilight, You all right?” He asks.

“No. All of the ponies in this town are crazy! Do you know what time it is?” She asks, a little snappy.

“Too late for a freaking party.” Anon deadpans. “I was kind of hoping you'd get rid of them. I'm getting tired.” Twilight rolls her eyes.

“Anon! Get back in here.” Rarity calls, wrapping her magic around his hand and forcefully dragging him out of the room.

“Oh fuck off!” was all Anon got out before being ripped from the room. The door closing with a large slam.

“Ugh, here I thought I'd have time to learn about the Elements of Harmony but, silly me, all this ridiculous friend-making has kept me from it!” Twilight gets out of he bed and begins to walk over to the window, the moon hanging high in the sky. She just recites what she learned from the day before to herself.

“Legend has it that on the longest day of the thousandth year, the stars will aid in her escape, and she will bring about everlasting night. *sigh* I hope the Princess was right... I hope it really is just an old ponytale...”

“Twilight! Seriously can we go home? I seriously feel I am in danger from these Ponies!” Anon shouts slamming his body against the door trying to keep it closed. Twilight just arches an eyebrow at him.

“How so?” Twilight asks. Anon rolls his eyes.

“Well, let's see. There's redneck pony, who is gonna try to kill me at some point. There's pride pony who will probably do the same. There's Squiggle-tail who will probably try to rape me or something. There's Shy pony who won't stop asking questions to the point of thoughts of self harm and there's pink pony who won't stop. Fucking. Around. to the point where she'll be responsible for manslaughter.” Anon says with heavy breathing. Twilight arches an eyebrow and moves past him.

“You need to grow up Anon. Besides, we need to get going. The sun's going to de raised soon.” Twilight opens the door and heads downstairs, leaving Anon with a wide-eyed, slack jawed expression. Aand his eye twitched.

“Oh fuck all of you.” Anon says under his breath.

Anon and Twilight were stood in the town hall of Ponyville eagerly awaiting the arrival of the princess. Anon was looking around nervously for any attack from anyone who would try something. Pinkie Pie bounces up to the two of them and nestles herself next to Twilight. The others were scattered around the room in their respected positions.

“Isn't this exciting? Are you excited, 'cause I'm excited, I've never been so excited-- well, except for the time that I saw you walking into town and I went *gasp* but I mean really, who can top that?” Pinkie Rambles off, Twilight gingerly ignoring her and Anon face-palming with a resounding *smack*.

The birds from Fluttershy's Choir begin their little fanfare revealing the arrival of the mayor of Ponyville, who stands on the stage as a spotlight glides over her.

“Fillies and gentlecolts, as mayor of Ponyville, it is my great pleasure to announce the beginning of the Summer Sun Celebration!” The ponies around the grand room all cheer in excitement, as the mayor begins her introduction.

“In just a few moments, our town will witness the magic of the sunrise, and celebrate this, the longest day of the year!...” Twilight looks out the skylights to see the face in the moon slowly fade away as stars glide towards it's surface. An uneasy expression crosses her face“...And now, it is my great honor to introduce to you the ruler of our land, the very pony who gives us the sun and the moon each and every day, the good, the wise, the bringer of harmony to all of Equestria...” The mayor continues as Fluttershy whispers to her birds excitedly.

“Ready?”

“...Princess Celestia!” Rartiy draws on the curtains as the bird fanfare blares out in recognition of the pony ruler of Equestria...but when the curtains are drawn it is revealed that nobody is there.

“Huh?” Rarity so eloquently questioned, gazing at the empty space where the princess was supposed to be. The ponies in the room resorted to incoherent mumbling and rambling. The mayor gazing out into her town'sponies with Mild fear and worry plastered on her face.

“This, can't be good.” Twilight says, The mayor trying to calm her ponies down.

“Remain calm, everypony, there must be a reasonable explanation!” She says, desperately trying to maintain order. Anon just rolls his eyes at the poor display from the ponies.

“Christ. You ponies are so easy to freak out. Just because she's not there does not mean that she's in trouble.” Anon says. But his expression grows concerned as he looked around for the princess. “But where could she be?” Anon said that more to himself, but Pinkie, being pinkie, heard what he said.

“Ooh, ooh, I love guessing games! Is she hiding?” Rarity is quick to deflate her however.

“She's gone!” There is a collective gasp from all of the ponies present. Twilight starts to look around in a vain attempt to locate the princess.

“maybe she's just hiding to scare us. She always liked her practical jokes.” Twilight thought to herself, but somewhere in her mind, she knew she was lying to herself.

“Ohh she's good. AHH!” A blue mist began to eerily seep over the balcony, making a twinkling noise as all of the ponies watched in fear as the mist began to shape and form.

“Oh no...Nightmare Moon!” Twilight said as the mist burst into the shape of a black alicorn with the mist for a mane and tail and wearing blue armor across her form.

Anon just face-palmed and looked at the horrid horse. “Once! just once! I'd like this world to make sense! You know? Where if you go to space you die! Also not looking like a fucking moron would be nice!...just once!” His comment goes unheard as the ponies gazed in fearful awe of the powerful creature before them.

“Oh, my beloved subjects. It's been so long since I've seen your precious, little sun-loving faces.” Nightmare Moon says with a condescending, yet arrogant, tone.

“What did you do with our Princess?!” Rainbow Dash being...well...Rainbow Dash, Tries to charge forward towards the alicorn, however, Applejack stops her in her tracks.

“Whoa there, Nelly...” Applejack says through clenched teeth around Rainbow's tail.

“Hahaha.Why? am I not royal enough for you? Don't you know who I am?” Nightmare Moon says gazing out towards the cyan pegasus.

“You know for once I'd like a bad guy that doesn't monologue.” Anon says, going unheard again.

“Ooh, ooh, more guessing games! Um, Hokey Smokes! How about... Queen Meanie! No! Black Snooty, Black Snooty!...” Pinkie is promptly shut up when an apple is shoved in her face by Applejack.

“Thank You!” Anon shouts in relief. This time, gaining the attention of a certain individual in the room.

“OH? And what have we here? I say...I've never seen something quite like you before.” Nightmare Moon says, gliding over to come face to face with Anon. The other ponies had parted to allow her to land in front of him. “Tell me creature, What are you?” Anon cocks and eyebrow and gazes around the room, silently.

“Uh...do you think you could leave me alone for a few minutes? I'm still just trying to comprehend the sheer retardicity in this situation.” Nightmare Moon simply chuckles and uses her mane to shift Anon's gaze to her's.

“What's the matter, my dear subject? Confused?” Anon just looks to the hair tendril.

“Oh fuck that's creepy.” He says more to himself, but still get's Nightmare Moon to recoil and fly of toward Fluttershy, who shrinks in fear from her presence.

“Does my crown no longer count now that I have been imprisoned for a thousand years?” She flies over to Rarity who recoils in fear at her display. “Did you not recall the legend? Did you not see the signs?”

“I did! And I know who you are. You're the Mare in the Moon – Nightmare Moon!” Twilight steps up, a determined look on her face. The ponies around her gasping at this new revelation.

“Oh that was stupid.” Anon states looking to Twilight and then to Nightmare moon.

“Well well well, somepony who remembers me. Then you also know why I'm here.” Nightmare Moon says, with a hint of laughter in her throat.

“You're here to... to... *gulp*” Twilight tries to say, but the fear is getting a hold of her. Anon, just rolls his eyes and looks to the moon horse, who is chuckling at the display.

“Remember this day, little ponies, for it was your last. From this moment forth, the night will last forever!” She bursts out into maniacal laughter as thunder and lighting raged on outside. The ponies gasping in fear at the Alicorns power. Anon Sits back and looks up at the ceiling.

“Fuck this is so retarded.”

Author's Notes:

Anyway despite what I said in the description I might try to get the next chapter out ASAP.(seeing as it's a two part thing.) But don't hold your breath.

Like I said in the description, constructive criticism is appreciated (as long as it's Constructive.)

also has this been done before? because I really hope this hasn't been done before.

Stay awesome guys. B&G out.

Chapter Two: Friendship is Magic (The Elements of Harmony)

Nightmare Moon's Laugh resonated throughout the town hall as the many ponies present cowered in fear. Lightning struck the area around her as her mane billowed into a menacing swirl above her head to accent her evilness.

“Well, guess who the bad guy is.” Anon said, with a roll of his eyes.

“SEIZE HER! Only she knows where the Princess is!” The mayor screamed, pointing a hoof at the dark horse on the balcony.

A group of three royal pegasi guards flew in towards Nightmare Moon with the intention of stopping her evil plan.

“Why didn't they do that while she was monologuing?” Anon questioned, continuing to go unnoticed. Nightmare moon who promptly returned to all fours. Stared at the Three guards in anger.

“Stand back you foals!” She shouted as her eyes shone with a light blue energy and lightning struck around her, throwing the guards to the floor. Ponies screamed and panicked as many ponies ran around in a chaotic manner.

Nightmare Moon quickly took advantage of the situation and allowed herself to evaporate into dark blue mist, worming her way out of the building, laughing manically as she did so.

Anon, standing in the same place he was before, just cocked eyebrow and groaned. “I really hate this place.”

“COME BACK HERE!” Rainbow Dash shouted flying out to pursue the maniacal villain out into the night air, but promptly gave up as she watched her drift off into the distance. “Night time? Forever?” She said with fear.

Back at the town hall Twilight rushed up to Anon in a panic. “Anon! We need to go! Now!” Twilight shouted nudging his leg. He sighed heavily and stared off into the distance at the panic and mayhem. He could just as easily sit back and relax back at the library in Canterlot. Maybe read a book, maybe have a drink of some sort...But he knew he wouldn't...all of that crap at the library was boring and he read it all about four times...

“Anon!” Twilight shouted in his face, ripping him from his thought process.

“*sigh*...ah fuck it. Let's go!” He said, as the two of them took off towards the library. Gaining the attention of the Airborne pegasus.

“Where's she going?” Rainbow said to herself, deciding to silently follow in pursuit.

“This is so messed up. How the hell is she even alive?! She was on the moon! For a thousand years! That only means one of three things: there's an atmosphere on the moon...and we know that's bullshit. She's some form of immortal god...and I really freaking hope not, or...it's magic you don't got to explain shit...and I have a feeling that that's the correct answer.” Anon said tearing books off of the shelves in search of something useful. When he came across an idea

“Twilight? Do you have biological warfare here in Equestria? Because that might come in handy for a situation like this. All you need is a small canister of mustard gas and a sealed room.” He suggested, earning a confused look from Twilight. “...uh...never mind.” He said dismissively, returning to the shelves of the Equestrian warfare section.

“Anon, You're looking in the wrong place! We need to find information on the elements of harmony or–”

“And just what are the elements of harmony...?!” Rainbow dash appeared seemingly out of nowhere. “...And how did you know about Nightmare Moon huh!? Are you a Spy!?” She accused eying Twilight, who was backing into the corner as Rainbow advanced.

“Are you retarded?” Anon asked, throwing another book into the pile of useless knowledge. “She did say stop Nightmare Moon.”

“Yeah. Simmer down sally, she ain’t no spy.” Applejack said, the rest of the ponies joined her. “But she sure knows what's going on. Don't ya Twilight.”

“How the hell did you lot get in here!? I thought I locked the door?” Anon asked.

Pinkie Jumped up and down excitedly. “We picked the lock...duh!” she said that like nothing was wrong. Anon just turned to Twilight with a fearful expression.

“Twilight, remind me to design and invent the shotgun...ya know...just to be safe.” Rarity moved over and leans against Anon affectionately.

“Oh dear Anon. Do not fret I shall protect you.” She said tenderly. Anon, just looks Rarity Dead in the eye.

“Rarity...I will break your legs, I swear to god, if you don't stop freaking me the hell out, right now.” Rarity only giggles and boops him on the nose, retreating back to the group.

“Twilight what were you saying?” Applejack asked again. The five ponies turned to the unicorn in question as she stole her resolve.

“I read all about the prediction of Nightmare Moon. Some mysterious objects called the Elements of Harmony are the only things that can stop her, but I don't know what they are, where to find them; I don't even know what they do!” Her ears flopped to the back of her head as she looks to the floor defeated.

“The elements of harmony: A reference guide.” Pinkie chimed in, looking at the spine of one of the books.

“Convenient.” Anon said, taking a seat on his makeshift book stool. Twilight bumped into pinkie throwing her into the adjacent wall.

“How did you find that?!” Twilight asked in disbelief.

“It was under 'E'!” Pinkie said in a singsong voice.

Anon snorted heavily. “Are you sure you're a librarian?” His comment went unnoticed again. “Oh for fuck sake.” Twilight pulled out the book and began to flip through the pages, landing on the correct page instantly and begins to read aloud.

“There are six Elements of Harmony, but only five are known: Kindness, Laughter, Generosity, Honesty and Loyalty...” The sound of Anon suppressing his laughter at the names of each element can be heard in the background. “...The sixth is a complete mystery. It is said, the last known location of the five elements was in the ancient castle of the royal pony sisters. It is located in what is now...”

“...The Everfree forest!” Everyone shouted in unison as Anon let out a sigh of relief.

“Why did you all just not say anything for the past five minutes? Seriously. You all just up and left, without saying anything, it was freaky as shit.”

“What are you talking about Anon?” Fluttershy asked.

“You didn't notice? Twilight just read part of the book and you all just suddenly left. Like no words, just up and left? How did you not notice?!” Their blank stares were his only response.

“Ugh...never mind.”

“Whee! Let's go!” Pinkie says, trotting towards the entrance to the forest.

“Not so fast.” Twilight said, Pinkie stopping in her tracks as the others look to the librarian. “Look, I appreciate the offer, but I'd really rather do this on my own.”

"No can do, sugarcube. We sure ain't lettin' any friend of ours go into that creepy place alone. We're stickin' to you like caramel on a candy apple.” Applejack said, everyone else giving an agreed 'Hmph'

“You guy know you just met her today right? This whole instant friendship is kind of creepy.” Anon commented, following them into the forest. Twilight let out a sigh and trotted along with him.

“Hey, Twilight...at least you passed your stupid objective.”

“So... none of you have been in here before?” Twilight asked, fear evident in her tone. The seven of them were trekking through the Everfree forest, each of them quaking in their metaphorical boots.

“Oh heavens no. just look at it. It's dreadful.” Rarity exclaimed, looking around the forest at the trees looming over them.

“And it ain't natural. Folk say it don't work the same as Equestria.” Applejack chimed in. Everyone present starting to shiver with fear.

Nobody sees the starry mist seeping into the cliff face below them.

“Oh grow up. It's just plants the most natural thing I can think of. You're all just paranoid because it looks creepy.” Anon said irritably, rolling his eyes and walking faster, if not to get just that little bit further away from the group.

“What do you mean Applejack?” Twilight asked, turning to the orange mare.

“Uh guys?” Anon called to the rest of the group.

“Nopony knows.~” Rainbow wailed coming out of a shadow for dramatic effect. “You know why?” she asked as she started to lurk her way over to Fluttershy Pinkie and Rarity, imitating a predator stalking its prey, speaking in a low hush whispered tone.

“I really don't think we should be up on this cliff.” Anon said, a little more concerned.

Applejack's expression grew irritated as she stomped her hoof on the ground. “Rainbow, Quit it.”

“It's a dead end anyway so...”

“'Cause every pony who's ever come in, has never. Come. Out!” The girls screamed in fear and as soon as they did, the entire ground beneath them gave way and the entire group started to slide down the cliff screaming. The two pegasi took to the air immediately.

“Fluttershy! Quick!” Rainbow shouted flying to her friends aid.

“Oh my goodness, oh my goodness.” Fluttershy muttered before flying after her. Rainbow was quick to save Pinkie by lifting her off of the ledge as Fluttershy lifted Rarity by her tail into safety. Applejack manages to grab onto a nearby tree root, but Twilight kept going until she is hanging off of the ledge by her front hooves, unable to pull herself up. Anon was able to dig his feet into the soil enough to stop his decent, and was currently edging his way down to her.

Seeing Twilight's situation, Applejack let go of the root and slowly slid over to Twilight in a controlled fashion. “Hold on! ah'm a-comin'!” She said as she planted her hooves on Twilight's to hold her in place.

“Applejack! What do I do!?” Twilight asked panicked. Applejack, straining to hold onto her peeked upwards and then looked back down to Twilight.

“Let go.” She said simply. Twilight looked up with a horrified look.

"What?!” Anon shouted from behind them.

“Are you crazy?!” She said through strained breaths.

“You said they were earlier so she probably is!”

“No ah aint. Ah promise you'll be safe.” Applejack tried to calmly reassure her.

"How!?”

“That's not true!”

"Well duh! She tried to kill me yesterday, maybe she's a serial killer or something.”

“Now listen here. What ah'm sayin' to you is the honest truth. Let go, and you'll be safe.”

“You're not honestly considering it are you?!”

Twilight grew a look of resignation, closed her eyes and let go, falling down the side of the cliff.

“oh for fuck sake!”

Twilight screamed as she fell...until she was caught by the two pegasi. She let out a sigh of relief as the three of them gently, though a little jerkily, carried her to the ground to safety. Applejack climbed down on conveniently placed rocks while Anon followed in a similar fashion behind them as they regrouped at the bottom of the cliff.

What none of them saw, was a misty tendril watching them before it speeded off towards a distant beast.

“And once Pinkie and Rarity were saved, whoosh... Me and Fluttershy loop-de-loop around and WHAM! Caught you right in the nick of time.” Rainbow exclaimed as she fley around in loops and then landed right next to Twilight.

“Yes, Rainbow, I was there, and I'm very grateful, but we gotta...” Meanwhile, anon approached Applejack with a question he needed to ask.

“You know Applejack. You could have just said that rainbow Dash and Fluttershy would catch her and not bother with all of the cryptic bullshit.” Anon said matter of factly. Applejack looked to him with a cocked eyebrow.

“And what do you mean by that Sugarcube?” She asked, narrowing her eyes at him accusingly.

“I'm just saying that you could have just said they're there to catch her and then saved yourself some time and everyone else the mystery and stupid bullshit.” She huffed again and walked off ahead of him. “You know I'm right!” He called smugly with a small sense of self satisfaction.

“Okay girls...” Twilight called. “...we're gonna-”

*gggrrrooowwwlll!!!*

“*gasp* a Manticore!” Twilight exclaimed, the rest of the group backing up a little in fear.

“A what now?” Anon asked, arching an eyebrow at the behemoth in front of him. The Manticore didn't hesitate as it took the moment to hurl it's paws in his direction, claws extended.

“Aw, fuck me!– OOF!” Rainbow Dash was fast on her hooves as she collided into his side, dragging him to the floor with her and narrowly avoiding the creature's attack. The rest of the girls sprung into action,charging forward into the brink of death.

“Take that you ruffian! Nopony hurts my Anon!” Rarity shouted as she proped herself onto her forelegs and kicked back into its face, stunning it for a moment, before roaring loudly in her face, spraying spittle everywhere. Once it stopped, it was evident that the creature's breath has ruined her mane, reducing it to a complete mess of tangles and knots.

“My hair!” Rarity exclaimed, mourning the loss of her hairstyle moments before realizing the remaining presence of the Manticore and retreating with an 'eep!' The Manticore following in pursuit.

"Wait." Came the quiet voice of Fluttershy, going unnoticed by everyone present.

The Manticore suddenly stopped in it's tracks, surprised by its sudden passenger. Applejack stood proudly atop of the hulking creature as it attempts to buck her off.

“YEE-HAW! Git along, little dogie!” She exclaims, holding on for dear life.

"Wait."

Anon, who up until this point watched the scene in mild curiosity and amusement, stood up and dusted himself off.

“Welp...I have no fucking clue what to do.” He said, slumping against a tree and trying to relax.

Applejack is promptly thrown from the Manticore and into the air, taking a moment while airborne to prompt Rainbow Dash into action.

“All yours, partner.” She landed with a small thud next to Anon. Rainbow Flying in to subdue the predator.

“Hey AppleHick.” Anon said casually as Applejack picked herself off of the floor.

“It's Applejack...and why aint ya'll helpin'?!” Anon merely shrugged and nodded towards the mayhem of the Rainado swirling around the Manticore as it swung its mighty tail, flinging Rainbow Dash back towards the group with great force.

"Rainbow!"

“You guys seem to have it under control.” Applejack gave him one of those 'I'm this close to making you a woman' looks and then alternated between looking at Anon and the scene before them. Her expression turned even more sour.

“How is this, under control!?” She shouted.

Anon gave her a bored expression in return and merely replied. “I think the yellow one has something to say.” Confused, she returned her gaze back to the group.

“WOULD YOU BUCKING WAIT!!!”Fluttershy screamed, everyone grinding to a halt mid charge. Applejack looked on in shock.

Fluttershy turned towards the creature with a kind smile, slowly approaching the Manticore, who's growling and snarling at her presence.

“Shh...it's okay.” Fluttershy gently nuzzlea an exposed paw, while gently saying sweet reassurances.

“Oh, so she's suicidal...okay.” Anon said, getting ignored again. The beast continued to reveal the inside paw to the yellow pegasus, a large thorn embedded into the palm.

“Oh, you poor, poor little baby.” She calmly whispered as she reached towards the thorn. “Now this might hurt for just a second.” She quickly plucked the thorn from its paw and it promptly clutched her in its grasp and roared loudly in her face.

“Fluttershy!” Everyone screams in worry, including Anon who was rather shocked by this development. However, everyone was even more shocked to see the Manticore gently grooming her mane, purring like a household cat, Fluttershy giggling cutely.

“Aw you're just a little ol' baby kitty, aren't you? Yes you are, yes you are.” Now that the way was safe, everyone present continued to trot past the now non-threat. Anon however walked past slowly, eying the creature cautiously.

“Okay, when we get back, someone is writing me a book about Equestria because I literally have no fucking idea what the rules are anymore!” Fluttershy giggled, hip checking him lightly.

“Oh Anon, it's not so complicated. Just Sometimes we all need to be shown a little kindness.”Anon looked to her confused, then promptly rolled his eyes and walked on.

“Fluttershy, That is literally the most retarded thing I have ever heard.”

As they all walked away, everyone neglected to see as the thorn evaporated back into mist and shot further into the forest.

The group walked through the dark and isolated forest, the darkness taking their tolls on all of them.

“Are we there yet?” Well almost all of them.

“No pinkie we're not there yet.” Rainbow said flatly.

“how 'bout now?”

“Pinkie, shut the fuck up.” Anon spat irritably.

“Okie dokie.” And... the group reduced to an awkward silence.

Trying to break the silence, Rarity did what she does best...complained. “ooohhh...My eyes need a rest from all this icky muck...” as she said this . The tree canopy thickened, leaving the area around them in complete darkness.

“You had to open your mouth, didn't you?”

“...Well, I didn't mean that literally.”

“That ancient ruin could be right in front of our faces and we wouldn't even know it.” Twilight said with worry. The same starry mist responsible for all of the problems so far drifted along, under their hooves and feet and into the nearby trees, completely undetected.

“Look guys, if we die out here, I want you all to know that...I hate you all...so much.” Anon said, his comment eliciting a laugh out of the pink mare.

“What's so funny?” Anon asked, confused. Pinkie merely laughed harder and pointed towards the tree behind him.

When he looked over, he saw a horrid, menacing face staring back at him. “Holy fuck nuts!” Anon shouted jumping back in fright, the others experiencing similar reactions, screaming and whimpering from the horrid trees...except Pinkie, who continued to laugh and pull funny faces at the...uh...faces.

“Pinkie, what are you doing?! Run!” Twilight shouted. The pink mare continuing to pull faces at the trees.

“Twilight, I think she's lost it...if she hadn't already.” Pinkie giggled again and turns to look at the others.

“Oh girls...and Anon, don't you see?” She said as she started to bounce on her hooves with the tune that was starting to play through the trees

♫ “When I was a little filly and the sun was going dooowwwn...” ♫

“Tell me she's not.” Twilight said, irritably.

“Oh sweet baby Jesus, where the fuck is that music coming from?!”

Pinkie danced around, hanging from trees to sing to her friends from all different angles.

♫ “The darkness and the shadows, they would always make me frooowwwn...”♫

“She is.” Rarity declared in disappointment.

“Seriously, Where is the music coming from!?” Pinkie continued to bounce around in glee as she sang.

♫ “I'd hide under my pillow
From what I thought I saw
But Granny Pie said that wasn't the way
To deal with fears at all”♫

“Is no one else freaked out by this!?” Anon shouted, continuing to be ignored as he frantically searched for the source of the music.

“Then what is?” Rainbow asked as Pinkie wrapped her foreleg around her neck.

♫“She said, 'Pinkie, you gotta stand up tall
Learn to face your fears
You'll see that they can't hurt you
Just laugh to make them disappear.'
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!”♫

As she finished, the face on one of the trees disappeared, leaving a bare tree in its wake. The group gasped in astonishment.

“What the serious fuck is going on here?”

♫ “So, giggle at the ghostly
guffaw at the grossly
Crack up at the creepy
Whoop it up with the weepy
Chortle at the kooky
Snortle at the spooky
And tell that big dumb scary face to take a hike and leave you alone and if he thinks he can scare you then he's got another thing coming and the very idea of such a thing just makes you wanna... hahahaha... heh...

Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuugh!”♫

Anon stood in complete bewilderment as the ponies laughed the tree faces away and proceeded to roll on the floor laughing.

“Seriously...what just happened?!” Pinkie stopped Laughing and looked up at him with a smile.

“The power of laughter Anon.” Anon looked down at them as his hand met his face.

“Oh dear god, kill me now!” He screamed into the air, the group rolling to their feet, looking to him with concern.

“Anon?” Twilight looked him over, worried.

“Seriously? None of you are even fazed by that!?” Their blank stares was answer enough for him. “...urg!...screw it. Lets just get this over with.” He said, turning around and walking away.

The ponies all rushed out of the woods, laughing merrily as a confused and disgruntled human trudged along behind them. They all stopped however when they reached a raging river, each of the ponies staring at it in worry.

“How are we gonna get across this?!” Pinkie asked.

“We could get the flyers to carry us across, one at a time...and I could probably swim across or even–“ Anon was cut off as a distant cry was suddenly heard and the group moves to investigate. They take a look through the bushes and shrubs to find a sad and upset sea serpent...in a river, thrashing around painfully.

“What a world, what a world!” He exclaimed as he threw his arms into the water in frustration. Twilight decided to brave it and ventured out into the open.

“Excuse me, sir. Why are you crying?” She asked and the sea serpent looks over and without any hesitation he begins to explain.

“Well, I don't know. I was just sitting here, minding my own business, when this tacky little cloud of purple smoke just...whisked past me and tore half of my beloved mustache clean off, and now I look simply horrid.!” He exclaimed, throwing himself back in a dramatic tone, splashing water on everyone present.

“Oh for fuck sake!” Anon shouted, grabbing everyone's attention.

“Wha...?!” The serpent exclaimed. The human was giving off an 'are you fucking kidding me?' vibe.

“It's a freaking mustache! It'll grow back!” He shouted in irritation.

“Anon! How could you be so insensitive!?” Rarity exclaimed. Anon turned around and glared at the white unicorn.

“Hold on a moment. I'm talking to the overly dramatic dip-shit.”

“Well I never!” The pony and serpent both exclaimed in sync.

“I'm just saying it's not something to bitch over like this.” Anon said simply as the serpent looked even more hurt than before.

“B-But...it's all uneven now...It's lopsided!” Anon furrowed his brow and folded his arms.

“Then shave the whole thing off!” The serpent's eyes widened at the suggestion.

“But...I-I can't I'd look hideous!” it's not like anyone would see you out here. Anon thought as he negotiated the idea of voicing his thoughts.

“Couldn't you just man the hell up!?...please. We need to get to some ancient temple bullshit and get some weird super weapons so we can go kill moon bitch...can't you just hold your hissy fit for a few moments?” The serpent's eyes widened again as he stared at Anon in hurt.

“I-I-I do not have hissy fits!” and with that he burst into another wave of hysterics, thrashing around in emotional agony.

“Well, Anon. You gave it your best, but it wasn't good enough. Now let's see how a lady handles it.” Rarity said smugly as she walked up to the sulking serpent, who was resting his head on the river bank. “Oh, just look at him. Such lovely luminescent scales.” She said, gently stroking his chin with a hoof.

“I know.” The Serpent whimpered pitifully. Rarity then proceeded to look over his form.

“And your expertly coiffed mane.”

“Oh, I know, I know.” The serpent was eating this whole thing up, brushing his hair back in pride

“Speaking of hair, wasn't yours wet a moment ago?” Anon continued to go on ignored as the two exchanged praise...or Rarity gave and the serpent received.

“Your fabulous manicure.”

“*gasp* it's so true!”

“Your shimmering eyes!”

“You noticed!”

“Your perfectly straight teeth.”

“I know! I had braces!”

“All ruined without your beautiful mustache!” The serpent realed back in horror.

“It's true, I'm hideous!” He shouted, hiding his face in his arms.

“...and moronic.” Anon mumbled under his breath, earning a swat to the back of the head from Twilight.

“I simply cannot let such a crime against fabulosity go uncorrected.”

“Is that even a word?” Rarity ignored the human as she trotted up to the serpent and plucked a single scale from the serpent's hand, earning a small yelp from him. She then proceeded to raise the single scale above her head dramatically.

“Uh...Rarity?” She lowered the scale quickly cut her own tail clean off. The serpent fell over from sheer shock. Rarity then spat out the scale and levitates her former tail over and attaches it to the serpent's face mending his mustache, which was now a completely different style and color on one side, but that didn't matter.

“Oh-hohohoho! My mustache. How wonderful!” He shouted in glee at his fixed appearance, dancing in place.

“Rarity, your beautiful tail...” Twilight said mournfully. Rarity looed back over herself and back to Twilight.

“Oh. It's fine, my dear. Short tails are in this season. Besides, it'll grow back.” She said, trying to reassure herself.

“...yes, if only mustaches did the exact same thing...then everything would be fine!” Anon remarked, trying his hardest not to face-palm. Twilight looked over to the, now calm, river in relief.

“Look! We can cross now!” She jumped over to the river, as the serpent rised out of the water, forming a bridge across the river.

“Allow me.” He said chivalrously as he sunk his head into the water. Everyone present walking across his back.

As Anon stepped off of the serpents back, he looked back to him with a sheepish grin...

“Eh...thanks.” He said hesitantly. The serpent smiled before submerging and swimming away.

“What was that about?” Applejack asked, confused.

“What he helped us out.” Anon said, shrugging. “Besides I doubt we're going to–Jesus Christ!” He shouted, covering his eyes with his arm. Everyone else looked on with concern as a blush spread across his face.

“What's the matter darling?” Rarity asked, eying the nearby forest for threats.

“...uh...lets just say...your new tail...leaves nothing to the imagination.” And with that, he quick paced ahead and everyone grew a deep blush across their faces. Silence resonated across the group.

“..uh...maybe we should get going.” Rarity said, turning and walking in the direction they were heading.

“Rarity...maybe you...should stay at the back.” Rainbow suggested awkwardly.

“Perhaps you are right.” Rarity said, as she walks to the back of the group with a raging blush across her face.

“There it is, the ruin that holds the elements of harmony. We made it!” Twilight exclaimed as she ran towards the ruin in the distance.

“Twilight, wait for us!” Applejack and the rest of the group followed in her path.

“Uh...you guys might want to watch your step.” Anon said nervously as Twilight ran ahead.

“We're almost there. Whoa!” Twilight was cut off when she found herself hanging head first off of a cliff face, the bridge that was meant to be there was cut off at one end, leaving the ponies stranded. She pawed at the ledge, trying to push herself back up. Fortunately, Rainbow Dash managed to pull her back by the tail, dragging her to safety.

“Whats with you and falling off cliffs today?” Rainbow asked jokingly. Twilight clambered to her hooves and looks over the edge at the foggy canyon below, the others soon joining.

“Now what?” Pinkie asked in despair, looking over the canyon below.

“Couldn't we take the stairs?” Anon asked, pointing to a large staircase cut into the rock, everyone else, following his gaze.

Rainbow flapped her wings a few times for emphasis. “...or I could just fix the bridge, we don't know where that leads.” She said, shrugging and taking off down the canyon to retrieve the other half of the bridge.

Anon rolled his eyes in irritation. “...or we could do that...uh...hey guys...” The girls look over to him. “...call me when she gets back. I'm going to go explore some stuff.” Twilight just shoed him away, watching Rainbow Dash intently and allowing Anon to go explore.

Rainbow Dash flew back up with the other side of the bridge in her mussel and proceeds to attach it the the stone pillars on the opposite ledge, the fog from below rising above the canyon and obscuring her vision. She got the first post tied down when suddenly...

“Raaiiinnbbooww....” A voice called out through the thick fog.

She dropped what she's doing and whipped around to see...nothing. “Who's there?!...Anon, you better not be trying to scare me!” The voice just chuckled sinisterly.

“No, Rainbow. We are not the creature that has been following you. We are merely...an opportunity.”

“Holy hell! It smells like plot holes down here!”

Rainbow cocked and eyebrow at the voice. “What kind of opportunity?” The voice merely laughed again, leaving Rainbow Dash with an uneasy feeling in her stomach.

“We have long been awaiting the arrival of the greatest, fastest flyer in all of Equestria...The great Rainbow Dash.”

Rainbow's eyes widened with excitement as all feelings of fear and uneasiness washed away from her system at the prospect of praise. “Really?! I mean... Oh yeah, me. Hey, uh, you wouldn't mind telling the Wonderbolts that, would ya? 'cause I've been trying to get into that group for like,ever.”

“Seriously, what the fuck is with the smell?!”

”Gosh darn it Anon, stop swearing. This is supposed to be a show for children!” Pinkie shouted down the canyon.

“What was that?”

“Nothing!”

Shaking off her confusion, Rainbow Dash returned to the unknown voice. “...so...um...?”

“What?...Oh right!...ahem...No, Rainbow Dash. We want you to join us, The Shadowbolts....” Three ponies sporting tight spandex, dark purple suits emerged from the fog, puffing their chests out in pride. “...We're the greatest aerial team in the Everfree Forest, and soon we will be the greatest in all Equestria, but first, we need a captain. The most magnificent-”

“Yep.” It was needless to say that Rainbow Dash was eating all of the attention right up.

“Swiftest-”

“Yes.”

“Bravest flyer in all the land.”

“Yes...it's all true.” Rainbow Dash could no longer contain the giddy excitement, brewing inside of her. She had to do all she could to suppress the giggles and chuckles threatening to break free.

“We need...” The Shadowbolt leader moved in to whisper in her ear. “...you.” Rainbow Dash shot into the air in triumph.

“WOOHOO! Sign me up. Just let me tie this bridge real quick and then we have a deal.” Rainbow made a move to tie up the bridge, but the Shadowbolts quickly got in her way.

“No! It's them or us.” The leader said aggressively.

“That's not possessive in any way.”Anon said sarcastically, walking up behind them. The four of them looking on in shock. “Oh...hi! How's it going?”

“Anon, how did you get here!?” Rainbow asked, looking at him in confusion.

“Another set of stairs, there is some weird ass shit down there.” He said dismissively, pointing down the canyon.

“So does this mean they can get across?” She asked hopefully. Anon nodded once moving over to secure the bridge.

“Wait! If you secure the bride, her offer is revoked.” The Shadowbolt leader shouted desperately. Rainbow Dash, looks to Anon and then to the mare.

“What should I do Anon?”

“Are you kidding? Anyone with a brain can see where this is going. Now hurry up and choose your friends so we can go get the elements and kill moon bitch.” Anon said, handing her the rope.

Rainbow turns to the three Shadowbolts.

“Thanks for the offer, but...” She attached the rope to the pillar. “...I'm afraid I'll have to decline.” The three Shadowbolts trembled with frustration before they burst into three separate globs of blue star mist, merged into one and then flew way. Nothing was left for Anon and Rainbow but to stare on in confusion as the others crossed the bridge.

“So what do I say now?” Anon asked. “Something along the lines of 'you dodged a bullet?' or 'wow you're so loyal?'...meh whatever, let's get the fuck out of here and go kill this fucking pony Hitler before she fucks everything up.”

“Say 'fuck' more.” Twilight said irritably, rolling her eyes in irritation, before turning to Rainbow Dash. “Good job Rainbow.”

“Hey I told you I'd ever leave my friends hanging.”

“Actually you said you'd never leave Ponyville hanging now hurry up. We're finally almost finished with this diabetes trip.” Anon called, walking up to the lone ruin, finally so close to the end.

“For fuck sake Rarity! Walk behind everyone else or wear a freaking towel around your ass.” Anon shouted, rushing ahead of the white unicorn.

“Well sorry darling, but it's not my fault that you find your eyes drawn to my behind so often.” She said with an eye waggle. Anon huffed in irritation, unable to find a retort. Rarity was still unable to hide her blush however as they walked through the archway, into the main chamber of the castle of the two sisters and saw, what was hopefully, the elements of harmony in all their glory.

“Woah...come on Twilight. Isn't this what you've been waitin' for?” Applejack asked, ushering Twilight closer to the structure in the center of the room.

“God, I hope so.” Anon said off to the side, leaning back against a stone pillar.

Rainbow dash nudged Twilight once and whispered in her ear. “What's his problem?” to which Twilight merely giggled.

“He's just like that. You'll get used to him eventually. Anyway, these are the elements of harmony. We've found them.” Upon hearing the confirmation, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy flew up to retrieve the stone balls from their resting places and brought them back down to the floor,next to Twilight.

“Careful. Careful.” Twilight eased as Pinkie Pie began to count out each element.

“One, two, three, four... There's only five!” She said, looking to Twilight with worry.

“Where's the sixth!?” Rainbow exclaimed.

Twilight brushed of the panicked tone of the cyan pegasus. “The book said: when the five are present, a spark will cause the sixth Element to be revealed.”

“What in the hay is that supposed to mean?” The Apple farmer asked in complete confusion.

“It means exactly what it said. That even more cryptic bullshit has to be solved before we can get any further in this weird quest thing we're doing!” Anon exclaimed, walking up to Twilight irritably. “Look Twilight I'm just saying, a sugar cube in one hand...” He held out on hand flat for emphasis. “...and a cleaver in the other, and I'll have that moon horse turned into a Tesco burger faster than you can say 'the british are coming!'”

“...Uh...did Anypony understand anything that he just said?” Twilight asked, turning to the others in confusion.

“Ah understood Sugar Cube...” Applejack says dimwittedly. Anon threw his arms up in the air in frustration.

“Ah...screw it! Equestria needs a freaking plague or something. Deal with all these tree hugging pussies.” Twilight shook off her confusion and looked back to the elements.

“I believe I have an idea. Stand back. I don't know what will happen.” She instructed, sitting on her stomach and staring at the elements in concentration.

“Come on now, y'all. She needs to concentrate.” Applejack said, walking out of the room, the others close behind...except one.

“Wait...you're just going to leave her? With crazy, psycho, moon horse around!? Where the fuck does that logic come from!?” Anon shouted from his sitting position. He however went on ignored again. “Seriously!? It's a valid point!” No answer. “Well fuck you guys! I hope you all break your ankles and have to be put down by some southern hick with a shotgun!”

“Aren't you coming Nonnie?” Pinkie asked, stopping in the archway mid-bounce.

“Oh. No. Fuck. No. never call me that again. You got that?”

“Okie dokie lokie.” And with that she left , completely forgetting her question.

“Aren't you going to leave Anon? I don't know what this spell will do.” Twilight asked with concern.

“Twilight, I've survived you for twelve years, I think I can survive one spell... Besides, I know how to shut it when you need to work.” He said with a sheepish smile.

“Are you sure?” He shrugged at her question and folds his arms, getting the message across. Twilight rolled her eyes and returned to her task.

Her horn ignited with a purple glow, her face scrunched up in concentration as she attempted to move the Elemental balls. “Twilight!” Anon shouted out, braking her concentration. She turned around to see the blue mist fly in and surround the Elements in a tornado of magical power and energy.

“GAH!” The tornado increased in height, transporting the elements higher and higher above her. “The elements!” She didn't think. She jumped straight into the swirling mass of energy, leaving Anon to watch, stunned. The others ran in, obviously having heard Twilight's shouts.

Anon watched the swirling mass as it starts to waver and shrink, contemplating his next move. Should he dive head first into danger, or should he be sensible and form a plan of-

“Ah, screw it.” He jumped straight into the swirling mass of purple star stuff just in time, before it dissipated completely, leaving the rest of the mares behind.

*THWAMP!”

“Ahhh...my head.”

“Anon!?” He looked up to see Twilight, standing over him in relief. However, both of their attention was quickly drawn to the laughing mare behind them both. The mare with a coat as dark as coal and armor as menacing as the...you know what, we all know what she looks like. Let's just get on with it.

Nightmare Moon chuckles in delight as the pony and human get to their feet. “So...you finally made it...I have to admit, I had my doubts. I always thought that you'd- OWW!” A rock hit her square in the nose, causing her to reel back in shock. Twilight looked to her human companion as he recovers from his post throw stance.

He noticed her shocked glance and gave her a blank look. “What? Hit em while they're monologuing...why does nobody ever think to do that?” She shook away her confusion and returned her attention to Nightmare Moon.

“Give it up Nightmare! Release Princess Celestia, return Equestria to day and...uh...give up!”

“Nice speech there purple smart.” Anon commented with a hint of snark.

Nightmare Moon however, had recovered from her blow and was staring daggers at Anon...who promptly rolled his eyes and threw another rock at her. This time she catched it with her magic and threw it off to the side.

“INSOLENT APE! Do you have no regard for those in your presence!? Why do you insist that you throw rocks at us!?”

“You've kidnapped the Princess, are currently attempting to plunge Equestria into an eternal darkness and have tried to kill me and the weird LSD ponies multiple times today...is that seriously a legitimate question?” Nightmare Moon growled, narrowing her eyes in pure, unadulterated rage.

“...welp. I think it's obvious what my role here is.” Anon said, straightening out his suit. Nightmare moon looks at him cock eyed before expelling a heated huff of hot air through her nose. “Twilight, get those weird element thingies working before she kills me, if it's not too much trouble.” the dark horse dragged her hoof across the stone floor in an intimidating manner. And to everyone's surprise, the sound of music started to reverberate around the castle, causing the three of them to stop in confusion. “...seriously, How the fuck does that work?!”

“ENOUGH!!!” Nightmare moon shouts in anger. “I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOUR INSCOLENCE! YOU WILL PAY FOR EVERYTHING YOU HAVE...” And the lyrics started to play out, making the, now pissed off, alicorn's eye twitch.

“...I swear I'm not doing that.” Anon said with a panicked expression. Nightmare Moon charged forward with a feral scream, horn pointed toward the human. “OH fuck-nuts!” He jumped out of the way, narrowly being impaled by the sharp point of her horn.

“Hurry up Twilight!” Twilight shot out of her stupor as Nightmare Moon pursued Anon out of the room and down the stairs in a fit of rage, entirely forgetting the elements left with the purple mare.

“...Celestia help us.”

“Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!” Anon shouted as he ran down the stairs, Nightmare Moon following close behind.

“REMAIN STATIONARY YOU INSUBORDINATE APE!!” She shouted as she let loose another blast of her magic, which narrowly missed the human.

“I leave Canterlot for one day! One freaking day!...AHH!” He met the bottom of the staircase and rushed down the unknown corridor.

“HUMAN! HEEL! NOW!”

“I'm not a dog you dumb-fuck!” He lunged behind a stone pillar to avoid yet another bolt of magic, taking a moment to admire the tapestry before remembering that he was uncomfortably close to getting his head ripped off.

“Do you think you have a chance?...any at all? I will tell you now that–OW!”

“Stop. Fucking monologuing!” He shouted as he threw another rock in her direction. However, this time he is hit with a strong bolt of magic, hurling him across the room.

“...ooowwww...” He groaned, clutching his head in pain. He looked up to see the mistress of hell standing over him with a mischievous smile on her face.

“Tell me ape...how long has it been since I was banished...” She whispered, pinning the arm that was currently making its way towards a stray rock.

“Uh...one hundred years?” He asked, clearly knowing the answer, but his natural instinct to fuck with all who are stupid got the better of him.

“ONE THOUSAND YEARS!!!” She all but screamed, blowing warm air in his face. He was getting rather uncomfortable, rather quickly.

“Oh...uh...and...?” To his displeasure, Nightmare Moon's mischievous smile returned and she leaned in closer, stroking the side of his head with her free hoof and leaning her body into his with half lidded eyes.

“Go back to monologuing! Go back to monologuing!”

“Why not both?”

“Oh fuck me!”

“Rather poor choice of words...don't you think?”

Meanwhile the rest of the girls made it into the throne room unharmed.

“Twilight!” Pinkie shouted, capturing the purple unicorn in a bone crushing hug.

“Have you gotten the elements to work?” Fluttershy asked, eying the stone spheres on the floor.

“Not yet, but I've got an idea.”

“Where's Anon!?” Rarity asked, panic rising in her voice. Twilight averted her gaze, looking back to the elements in determination.

“He left to distract Nightmare Moon. I don't know how long we have, but we have to hurry.”

“Anon left to fight that...thing?!” The fashionista exclaimed. Her eyes going wide with fear.

“Yes, and the only way to help him would be to figure out how to acquire the sixth element.”

“So what do ya need from us?” Applejack stepped forward, pride in her tone.

“I'm not sure, but–”

“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” Anon shouted as he ran through the doorway looking fairly flushed.

“Anon? Where's nightmare moon?” Twilight asked, completely confused.

“I got away from her...but I don't think she'll stay down though...I think she's gonna try to screw me.” He motioned towards the Pink pony. “...you can break every law of physics and reality, right?...how about you get me a gun? Huh?” Pinkie merely furrowed her brow in confusion before smiling the same way you would smile when a preacher was shouting at you to repent. “...god dammit.”

“Anon...I can't get the elements to work...what should we do?” Twilight spoke up.

Anon furrowed his brows in irritation, pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index finger. “Why are you asking me?” Before she could answer however, a loud bang resonated throughout the room. Nightmare moon had materialized on the pedestal.

“Ah. So we're all here. Reunited once again.” She chuckled out. “How...poetic. But now, it must come to a close. Twilight Sparkle... give up now or you all shall be cast down before me.” Twilight looked down in thought before returning her gaze back to Nightmare Moon.

“No.” Twilight said with a determined expression. Nightmare Moon was taken back by her refusal.

“What?”

Twilight stomped her hoof hard down on the floor. “I said no. I will not bow down to you, for as long as my heart still beats, I will always fight you, Nightmare Moon.”

“Jesus, how many cheesy action novels did you read before coming here?” Anon said off to the side, his comment gaining the attention of the devil mare herself.

“Ah yes, Come here ape. You shall be spared.” She said with a sultry expression, pawing at the ground in anticipation. Anon shrugs and walks over.

“Anon!? How could you!?” Twilight shouted, tears brimming in her eyes.

Anon merely sighed and looks back at her. “What did you expect?! I needed some way to get within arms reach of her.”

“What?” Just as Nightmare Moon turned to look at the human, she got socked in the face. Anon retracted his fist quickly to shake away the stinging pain in his knuckles.

“ow, ow, ow.” He sucked in air through his teeth, shaking his bruised fist around in pain. “Never hit someone wearing armor. Never hit someone wearing armor...hey, what the...?” Before he could react, he found himself thrown across the room by the moon horse's magic, landing in a heap next to the others.

“...fucking...bitch.”

“Now, the rest of you should take heed, if you stand by the unicorns side, then you shall suffer the same fate.”

Twilight looked on in fear as her assistant laid their in the corner, unmoving.

“Not a chance!”
“you'll have to go through all of us you ruffian!”
“...y-y-yeah...”
“Ain’t nopony gonna stop us!”
“Yeah! So take a hike you meanie!”

All of Twilight's friends stepped forward to stand at her side, each adorning a stern look of determination. Twilight's heart warmed at the scene as she finally figured out how to get the elements to work.

“That's it!” Everyone present looked to her in confusion. “I figured out how to stop her!”

“Hrmm...oh really? How do you plan to do that when you can't operate the elements?” Nightmare Moon says smugly, but stopped her charade when she saw Twilight’s knowing gaze.

“You see Nightmare, that's where you are wrong. It was told that a spark was needed to activated the elements of harmony, but it wasn't electrical or magical...in fact, it was a different kind of spark. The spark that I felt when these ponies came to my aid when I needed them most just now. Because you see, the elements aren't in these ancient balls, they're inside us all. Each and every one of us.” She recited, looking over to her friends in pride.

“Applejack, who reassured me when I was in doubt, represents the spirit of...honesty!” As she said this, applejack was lifted into the air by some unknown force, one of the balls crumbling into dust, which floated over and surrounded her in an unknown energy.

“Fluttershy, who tamed the manticore with her compassion, represents the spirit of...kindness!” And similarly, another ball broke into dust and surrounded, the now airborne, Fluttershy in a shield of energy.

“Pinkie Pie, who banished fear by giggling in the face of danger, represents the spirit of...laughter!” Another mare another ball.

“Rarity, who calmed a sorrowful serpent with a meaningful gift represents the spirit of...generosity!” And again.

“And Rainbow Dash, who could not abandon her friends for her own heart's desire represents the spirit of...loyalty!” The last ball broke and surrounded Rainbow Dash in its energy.

“The spirits of these five ponies got us through every challenge you threw at us!” Nightmare moon reeled back in fear.

“And Anon, Who...uh...who...”

“Don't bring me into this. Just summon the elements, kill moon horse and lets go home.” Anon said, clambering to his feet again.

Nightmare Moon brought her hoof down to the floor in anger, cracking the stone slab beneath her. “But you still don't have the sixth element! It didn't work!” Twilight smiled wickedly.

“But that's where you are wrong, because you see, the spark ignited a realization inside of me. A beautiful truth that will help us get through even the toughest of challenges... that these ponies...are my friends!...” A light shined above them all, revealing another ball of energy floating down towards her. “...You see, Nightmare Moon, when those Elements are ignited by the... the spark, that resides in the heart of us all, it creates the sixth element: the element of...

“Please don't say friendship. Please don't say friendship.”

“...magic!”

“Thank you Jesus!” The element joined with Twilight allowing for the others to do the same.

And so the dust formed to create the magical elements that would become the deus ex machina of the series. The power of the elements flew upwards in a spiral and blasted Nightmare Moon with its powerful rainbow...beam? I don't know. Moon Horse was defeated in another tornado thingie and twilight got laser eyes. MOVING ON...

The six mares all lay on the stone floor of the Throne room, trying to recover from the excessive amount of magical energy they just exerted.

“Ugh, my head.” Rainbow said, sitting up in place.

“E-Everypony Okay?” Applejack asked.

“The fuck just happened?”

“It worked!” Twilight shouted, jumping with joy.

“Oh thank goodness!” Rarity exclaimed, earning the attention of everyone present.

“Why Rarity, it's so lovely.” Fluttershy complimented as rarity inspected her newly regrown tail.

“I know! I'll never part with it again.” She replied, wrapping her tail around her in an affectionate hug.

“I'm no expert, but I think she's talking about your necklace thingie.” Rarity looked down in curiosity to see the gold necklace now wrapped around her neck, with the purple diamond in the center.

“Why...it looks just like my cutie mark.” She said with wonder.

“Mine too!” Pinkie shouted across the room, as everyone admired their respective pieces of jewelry. One piece in particular gaining Anon's attention.

“Why does Twilight have a crown?”

“Because I'm the element of magic...I think.” She replied with a shrug.

“Yeah, but...why a crown?” She shrugged in response.

“I guess it's something we'll never know.” She said in a matter of fact tone. Anon just stood there in bewilderment for a few seconds, before shaking his head and continuing on.

“Foreshadowing. Got it.” He said dismissively. Applejack finished admiring her own element, turned to Twilight.

“Gee, Twilight! I thought you were just spoutin' a lot of hooey, but I reckon we really do represent the elements of friendship.” The others nodding their heads in agreement.

“Way to spell it out for the dumb asses, Applejack.”

“Oh, but she's correct Anon.” Came the serene and motherly voice of the Princess herself and just as she said this, the sun slowly began its ascent towards the horizon, marking the end of the dreaded nightmare and the dawn of the new day.

“Princess Celestia!” Twilight wasted no time in running up to her mentor as they shared a tender embrace.

“Twilight Sparkle, my faithful student. I knew you could do it.” Twilight pulled away to look at the Princess in confusion.

“But... you told me it was all an old pony tale.”

Celestia give her a knowing look of pride. “I told you that you needed to make some friends, nothing more. I saw the signs of Nightmare Moon's return and I knew it was you who had the magic inside to defeat her, but you could not unleash it until you let true friendship into your heart...”

“Oh god I hate Equestria's laws of reality! Why does everything have to be so fucking hapy and cheesy and...fucking stupid?!” Anon shouted, imitating a gagging motion with his finger.

Following the general conduct for the day, Celestia ignored the human. “...Now if only another will as well. Princess Luna!” Everyone turned to the place where Nightmare Moon was last seen, but now all that remained were the broken fragments of her armor and a small horse, lying on the floor, shivering in fear of the sun Princess's dominating presence. She shrinked back as Celestia approaches.

“It has been a thousand years since I have seen you like this...” She knelt down next to the smaller Alicorn. “...Time to put our differences behind us. We were meant to rule together, little sister.” everyone else had almost the same reaction.

“Sister?”

“So she sent her own sister to the moon?...Dick move man...dick move” Anon muttered under his breath with a small chuckle.

Celestia Stood once again and held out her hoof to her little sister. “Will you accept my friendship?”

“Wait...What!?”

Luna looked to Celestia with tears brimming in her eyes. “I'm so sorry! I missed you so much, big sister!” She jumped forward and wraps her hooves around the white mare in a teary embrace.

“I've missed you too.” Celestia replied, shedding her own tears of happiness.

Anon rolled his eyes. “Oh...so we're just gonna forget about her trying to kill us all two minutes ago?...okay...there's no possible way this could be a trap...or a bluff...okay this is just too stupid. I'm going back to Ponyville, see ya there.” He turned and left the room, the others ignoring him like they usually did.

“Hey, Anon's right. We should go back to Ponyville...” When everyone looked to Pinkie in confusion, she continued. “because you know what this calls for...?”

“...A party!” Pinkie shouted as ponies from across Ponyville gathered in the town square for the celebration of the return of princess Luna. Food and drinks were spread out across the many tables and streamers, banners, balloons and confetti adorned the nearby buildings as ponies cheered and danced to the merry music being played.

Princesses Celestia and Luna arrived to welcoming hooves as the newly appointed bearers of the elements of harmony joked and told others about their quest. Anon sat over to the side, taking a drink of cider with a genuine smile on his face.

“Hiya Anon!” Pinkie shouted, taking a seat next to him.

“How's it going walking personification of ADD?”

“Oh I'm great! You look happy for once.”

Anon merely smiled and took another drink from his cider. “Of course! All this bullshit is over with and I finally get to go home. What's not to love!” The pink mare giggled and bonked the human on the shoulder, before disappearing completely. The human looked on in confusion but shrugged it off.

Meanwhile, princess Celestia approached her prized pupil standing off to the side with a rather sad expression. “Why so glum, my faithful student? Are you not happy that your quest is complete and you can return to your studies in Canterlot?” Twilight looked up to her teacher and sighed heavily.

“That's just it. Just when I learned how wonderful it is to have friends, I have to leave them.” She said, looking over to her friends sadly. Princess Celestia smiled and took out a piece of parchment with her magic and began to scribble down a note as she read aloud. Everyone stopped what they were doing to listen to their ruler.

“I, Princess Celestia, hereby decree that the unicorn Twilight Sparkle shall take on a new mission for Equestria. She must continue to study the magic of friendship. She must report to me her findings from her new home in...Ponyville.” She finished, Twilight's eyes lit up like stars.

“Oh thank you, Princess Celestia! I'll study harder than ever before!” She said hugging the Princess tightly. The rest of the ponies cheered in celebration at the prospect of their new friend staying in Ponyville.

When everything died down, Anon approached the purple mare, completely oblivious to what just transcribed.

“Hey Twilight. We gonna head home soon?” ...silence. It took about seven seconds for Anon to deduce what was going on from everyone's averted gaze.

“...oh fuck all of you.”

Author's Notes:

Well...I finally wrote the next Chapter and I have to say...

My god was writing that chapter a chore. I don't even know why. I just didn't enjoy writing this chapter in particular.(and it shows near the second half.)
It's probably got something to do with the fact that is' in third person or past tense or I personally found this chapter lacking in comedy,
but I got it done and it's behind me.

so if you could tell me what you guys thought that'd be great.

and stay awesome!

Chapter Three: The Ticket Master

The gentle glow of the midday sun, basked the orchard of Sweet Apple Acres as Twilight and Anon finished helping the apple farmer with her work for the day.

“Thank ya kindly, Twilight, for helping me out. I made a bet with Big McIntosh that I could get all these Golden Delicious in the barn by lunchtime. If I win, he's gonna walk down Stirrup Street in one of granny's girdles.” Applejack said, chuckling at the prospect of her brother in such an embarrassing situation.

“You know, that none of these apples are golden delicious right? They're all red or green...are you color blind, because that would explain a lot.” Anon said, grabbing an apple and taking a bite, promptly spitting it out seconds later. “God that's disgusting. Any granny smith apples?” Applejack shook her head and continued to walk along the path.

“Sorry Anon, they're–”

“Anonymous.” Anon corrected. Twilight gave a small wince at his tone, taking intense interest in the nearby fencepost. It was a very nice fence post.

“Um...Anonymous. Ah'm sorry, but the granny smith apples are on the other side of the orchard. Ah could run an' get you one later if ya like.”

“No thanks. I'll get something from town.” He says spitefully, muttering something about poisoned under his breath. Deciding to break the newly formed tension, Twilight clears her throat rather exaggeratedly.

“Uh...well it's no problem at all Applejack, I'm just glad that the goal is lunch time. All of this hard work is making me hungry.” She said with a nervous laugh. The tension in the air still going strong.

“You've got two baskets of apples on your back and you're a unicorn. Go nuts.” Anon said, grabbing another apple and sticking it in her mouth, shutting her up. She however, spat the apple out, not taking a bite.

“Anon, Applejack needs these apples for her farm!” Twilight said in a harsh tone. Anon merely shrugged and walked on.

“And I should care, why?” Anon said spitefully. Neither mare deciding to respond to his attitude.

“Maybe we all should get somethin' ta eat.” Applejack suggested, motioning for them all to follow, but Anon stopped mid stride and clutched his hand in pain.

“Anonymous! What’s wrong!?” Applejack asked, concern and panic in her voice. Anon merely shrugs her off as the palm of his hand split open and blood spilled out and flew into the air. The Apple farmer reeling back in complete shock. The flying blood formed the shape of a scroll, which he promptly caught in his free hand. The wound quickly sealed again afterward.

“Don't that hurt?” Applejack asked, looking at his hand in concern.

“Like a bitch.”

“It's a letter from Princess Celestia.” Twilight said, eying the scroll in his hand.

“No shit Sherlock. Not like anyone else sends you and letters. Let’s just see what sun butt wants.” He said as he opened the scroll and began to read.

“Hear ye, hear ye. -oh dear god, she actually wrote 'hear ye' *ahem*,- Her Grand Royal Highness, Princess Celestia of Equestria-...geesh, what other Celestia is it likely to be? The one running the sex shop in hayseed street?- is pleased to announce The Grand Galloping Gala to be held in the magnificent capital city of Canterlot, on the 21st day of, -ugh! Let's see some more licking of their own balls over Canterlot, some crap about dress code, a bunch of crap no one will give a crap about, Oh here we go,- cordially extends an invitation to Twilight Sparkle plus one guest woopty-fucking-do!” Anon said joylessly, grabbing the two tickets and handing them to Twilight. He then proceeded to retrieve a lighter from his front pocket and took to flame to the scroll.

“Hardly worth the pain.” He muttered under his breath as the scroll went up in flames.

The two mares would have made a comment about the human having an item that could have burned down the orchard, but they were too busy comprehending the fact that Twilight was invited to go to the Grand Galloping Gala.

“The Grand Galloping Gala!” Twilight shouted excitedly, Applejack bouncing in excitement. “I've never been to the Grand Galloping Gala before. How about you Anon?” Anon looked to her like she just asked what color the sky was.

“I've lived with you the entire time I've been here. Is that a serious question?” He said, crossing his arms. Twilight blushed sheepishly and smiled.

“Well, would you like to go?” Twilight asked, levitating one of the tickets up to his face.

“Nah thanks, I don't think I could stand those noble ponies for more than a few minutes anyway. They all ask the stupidest fucking questions.” He said as he started to impersonate the nobles he was referring to. Oh Anonymous! What was it like back in your own world? Anonymous! Can you tell me a story from earth? Anonymous! Why are you defacing that Painting?! I'm defacing it because I want to misses Plum, Mind your own fucking business!"

Applejack and Twilight looked to each other with concern, but Twilight just shrugged it off first, her being the more used to Anonymous's actions.

“Aw come on Anon, A dance would be nice.” Twilight said, shaking the ticket in the air temptingly. Applejack took the opportunity to switch her attention back to the tickets with her own opinion.

“Nice?” Applejack exclaimed in disbelief. “...It's a heap good more than just nice. I'd love to go. Land sakes, if I had an apple stand set up, ponies would be chowin' our tasty vittles till the cows came home. Do you have any idea how much business I could drum up for Sweet Apple Acres..?”

“Applejack, I hate to disappoint you, but the city folk don't really appreciate country food.” Anon said solemnly, continuing to go on ignored.

“Why, with all that money, we could do a heap of fixin' up 'round here...”

“Are you even listening to me?”

“We could replace that saggy old roof in the barn, and Big McIntosh could replace that saggy old plow, and Granny Smith could replace that saggy old hip!” Applejack said hopefully.

“Seriously, you wonder why I hate you?”

“Why I'd give my left hind leg to go to that gala.” Applejack finished, looking to Twilight.

“I must say Applejack, you must feel a hell of a lot lighter, without that massive fucking hint you just dropped.” Anon said sarcastically. Applejack flinched guiltily, before Twilight jumped to her defense.

“Weren't you just saying...” Anon didn't let her finish.

“I'm not agreeing with her, I'm just pointing out the lack of subtlety.” Anon pointed out. Twilight arched an eyebrow at the human but decided to ignore him and looked to Applejack.

“Well...in that case –”

“WOAH!” Came the shout of a cyan Pegasus just before she crashed straight into the two mares. Landing on top of them both, driving all three of them into a heap on the floor. As the dust settled, it revealed that the cyan mare was in fact...

...Rainbow Dash! (Seriously? How are they meant to be surprised about this? They've seen the show... what was that?...Oh... but she's seventy seven?....Urgh fine!) And so she popped her head above the two other mares excitedly.

“Are we talking about the Grand Galloping Gala?” Rainbow Dash asked excitedly, climbing off the bodies of her friends.
“Rainbow Dash! You told me you were too busy to help me harvest apples. What were you too busy doin', Spyin'?” Applejack asked, standing to her hooves aggressively.

“No, I was busy napping.” Rainbow said, nodding her head towards a tree with a blanket and pillow resting on one of the heftier branches.

“So you weren't busy. You were being lazy. Busy implies that you're still useful.” Anon said, crossing his arms snootily.

Applejack laughed out loud at his remark. “Ha! ya took the words right out oh ma mouth, there, pardner.” She said, holding her hoof up for a bump from the human.

Anon didn't even give the hoof a passing glance. “No.” He said his gaze still on Rainbow Dash. Applejack just brought her hoof back down to the ground dejectedly.

Rainbow Dash merely shrugged off the comment before looking to Twilight. “...and I just happened to hear that you have an extra ticket?” She asked with a waggle of her eyebrows.

Twilight responded truthfully. “Well, yeah, but –”

“YES! This is so awesome! The Wonderbolts perform at The Grand Galloping Gala every year. I can see it now...”

“Uh actually they don't. The show says they do, but we never actually see a show in the last episode it's just them standing around-” Anon stop breaking the fourth wall!

“Who the fuck is that?” Shut the fuck up and listen to Rainbow Dash's expectations just so it can be shot down by the end of the season!

“Is that you, Author?!” Yeah, now shut up and get back to the story!

“Fuck you!” Hey, you think I want to narrate your fucking life! I'm forced to do this! Fimfiction has my kids!

“What the fuck is Fimfiction!?”

“who are you talking to?” Twilight asked, earning a rather terrified look from Anon.

“you guys didn't hear that?!” Each of the mares present shook their head in negative. Anon pushed his confusion to the back of his mind, deciding to just get on with it. “uh...ever mind...uh...you were saying?”

Rainbow Dash, having been given the right to continue, starts where she left off. “...Everyone would be watching the sky. Their eyes riveted on The Wonderbolts, but then in would fly Rainbow Dash!” She proclaimed as she flew into the air, imitating her grand entrance for the show. She then started doing loops and twirls around the trio, going on about why she should go to the gala.

“...I would draw their attention with my Super Speed Strut. Then, I would mesmerize 'em with my Fantastic Filly Flash...”

“Why did I get a really dirty image for that last one?” Anon asked, going ignored once again.

“...And for my grand finale, The Buccaneer Blaze! The ponies would go wild! The Wonderbolts would insist that my signature moves be incorporated into their routine, and then welcome me as their newest member....” She said as she landed next to the purple unicorn. “...Don't you see, Twilight? This could be my one chance to show 'em my stuff. You gotta take me!” Before Twilight could reply, Rainbow Dash found herself dragged back by the cowpony who she promptly ignored before now.

“Wow, you're really not getting your hopes up, are you?” Anon said sarcastically, but just went on ignored again. He's really starting to get pissed off by that.

“Hold on just one pony pickin' minute here. Ah asked for that ticket first.” She said, spitting out Rainbow Dash's tail. The blue pegasus quickly goes on the defensive, standing to her hooves.

“so? doesn't mean you own it.” She said, pushing her forehead against Applejack's, who pushes back at the intimidating gesture.

“I think this just got interesting.” The human remarked, leaning against one of the fence posts.

“Oh yeah? Well I challenge you to a hoof-wrestle. Winner gets the ticket.” Applejack challenged, the two of them moving over to a nearby tree stump and engaging in their hoof wrestle faster than Anon could get an insulting line in.(which is pretty darn quick.)

“Girls!” Twilight shouted as she moved in and forced the two dueling ponies apart. “...These are my tickets. I'll decide who gets it, thank you very much. Whoever has the best reason to go should get the ticket, don't you think?”

“No Twilight don-!”

“Drummin' up business for the farm?” Applejack said, charging in front of Rainbow Dash. Rainbow dash was quick to respond however.

“A chance to audition for the wonderbolts?”

“Money t' fix granny's hip.” Applejack stepped forward once again, sounding more desperate.

“What happened to all the apples we had before?” Anon said, gesturing to the now missing apple carts.

“Living the dream.” They both had their face pretty close together with fake beauty pageant smiles, plastered across their faces.

“Wow, I can totally seeing all of that happening for either of you if you go.” Anon said sarcastically, rolling his eyes in irritation.

“It could so happen!” Rainbow Shouted, breaking from her creepy begging position.

“Yep, keep telling yourself that.” Anon said, turning to Twilight. “Yeah, we getting something to eat, or what?”

“But what about the extra ticket?!” Applejack shouted in panic.

“Oh...uh...let's see...uh...Oh!.. She can't make important decisions like this on an empty stomach, so we'll be back later to tell you how it went.” Anon said, quickly pressing Twilight to leave.

“..okay.” The two mares both groaned, completely confused for a moment, before suddenly springing back to the tree stump to resume their hoof wrestle, maintaining determined eye contact while they settled their little feud.

“So that was awkward.” Anon announced as he and Twilight walked through town. “Any idea who you're gonna pick?”

Twilight looked to her human companion before sighing heavily and lowering her head in shame. “I don't know Anon, but I really can't think straight when I'm hungry, so where should we eat?” She said miserably as they walked past Sugarcube corner, when suddenly the front door flew open and the pink blur, formally known as Pinkie Pie, shot out of the building like a bat out of hell...on speed and collided with the purple unicorn and her human assistant, forcing the three of them to the ground.

So there the three of them lay as the two tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala, slowly drifted to the ground...landing right on pinkie's mussel
“oh fuck.” Anon remarked too late as Pinkie was quick to leap into the air, rubbing her face in fear.

“Gah! Bats! Bats on my face! Help!” She screamed, running around in circles in panic.

“Is she retarded?” Anon asked, a genuine question, but it received a swift hoof to the side from an irritated Twilight.

If Anon thought that the two of them had gotten away with it...he was mistaken. “Wait, these aren't...” Pinkie's eyes lit up with stars as she took in the sight of the tickets. In the kind of way that only a crack addicted care-bear would find cute.

“...Tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala!?”

“Oh god dammit! Another unrealistic fantasy.”

“It's the most amazing, incredible, tremendous, super-fun, wonderful terrifically humongous party in all of Equestria! I've always always always wanted to go!” Just as she finished, music started to play in the distance as Pinkie prepared to sing.

Fortunately (seeing as mlp songs haven't gotten good yet.) Anon stepped forward and picked up Pinkie by the scruff of her neck.

“Well it's a shame you used six too many adjectives there and have hereby been authorized for a shut the fuck up! From the department of public health.” He said matter of fact, letting the Pink mare back to the ground and stuffing a small note of paper into her mouth with the words, shut the fuck up, written in bold.

Spitting out the paper, Pinkie pounces over to Twilight happily. “Oh thank you Twilight. It's the most wonderful-est gift ever!”

Anon's hand makes a quick connection to his forehead. “How did you even get that from...URGH!”

A loud gasp could be heard behind the three of them as Twilight attempted to find an exclamation. “Are these what I think they are?”

“Oh son of a fuck! Someone burn those fucking things!” Anon goes ignored for the fifteenth time since he arrived in Ponyville, (That's right he's keeping count!) as Rarity began her deluded fantasy of what she expected from the Gala.

“I design ensembles for the Gala every year, but I've never had the opportunity to attend...”

“No one cares, Rarity.”

“...Oh, the society, the culture, the glamor! It's where I truly belong, and where I'm destined to meet him.”

“So fuck off to Canterlot then and stop pissing me off!”

Pinkie Pie's brows furrowed in curiosity as she stopped bouncing in place for a moment to question. “Him! ...Who?”

“No pinkie! You'll start a stupid dream sequence, that will most likely piss off a lot of bron-”

“Him.” Rarity stated dreamily, her eyes glazing over in thought. Anon stopped his rant to look to Rarity in confusion.

“Who? Ya know you didn't actually clarify who –”

“I would stroll through the gala,”

“God dammit!”Anon whispered under his breath as the white mare continued to talk.

“...and everyone would wonder, 'Whois that mysterious mare?'...”

“Literally no one will be wondering that.”

“...They would never guess that I was just a simple pony from little old Ponyville. Why, I would cause such a sensation that I would be invited for an audience with Princess Celestia herself...”

“You're setting yourself a little high are you not?”

“Anon would you just let her finish.” Twilight asked, growing more and more irritated by the second.

“No.”

“...and the princess would be so taken with the style and elegance that she would introduce me to him...”

“Who the hell are you referring to here?! I have literally no idea!”

“Her nephew: the most handsome, eligible unicorn stallion in Canterlot...”

“THANK YOU! I have no idea who that is, but- wait Blueblood?!...uh, I don't know how to tell you this but he's kind of a di-”

“...Our eyes would meet, our hearts would melt. Our courtship would be magnificent. He would ask for my hoof in marriage, and of course I would say, "Yes!" We would have a royal wedding, befitting a princess, which is...” Rarity lets out an excited giggle before continuing. “...What I would become upon marrying him, the stallion of my dreams.”

Rarity then turned to Twilight, adopting a pathetic expression, before whining. “Twilight, I simply cannot believe you would invite Pinkie Pie so she can... party, and prevent me from meeting my true love.”

“You being a gold digger and wanting to be a princess isn't exactly true love.” Anon said idly, Rarity just shrugging off his comment and turning away from Twilight in betrayal. “Howww coullld yooouuu? Hmph!”

Twilight was at a complete loss for words at Rarity's hopes and needed clarification. “But Rarity, I don't think you want to pursue the affections of Blueblood, he's kind of-” Rarity forces her nose right up to Twilight's before harshly whispering...

“I'm trying to make Anon jealous. I don't need the ticket, just play along!” She practically hissed, earning a rather hurt look from Twilight.

“I can hear you, ya know...” Anon said irritably. “...besides, she hasn't actually decided who she's taking yet.”

both Rarity's and Pinkie's head turned to look at the human, one in shock and one in excitement. Rarity clearly trying to keep up the charade.

“She hasn't!?” The both of them said in unison.

“No. And you're just making it harder for her with all of this argu- Hey!” As Anon was about to scold the two mares, a single white rabid ran past them all, snatching the two tickets from the human's clutches and delivering them the butter-yellow pegasus, standing a few feet away.

Never in his life has Anon wanted to brutally murder a cute little Bunny, for so little.

Well, other than the other twenty seven times.

“Oh my...ticket's to the Grand Galloping Gala? Angel, where did you get these?” Fluttershy asked the little bunny on her back, who pointed to the Human standing with a confused expression, etched onto his features.

“When the fuck did you get there?” He asks, earning a slight blush from Fluttershy.

“Oh, uh...Anon, a-are you-”

“You literally just popped up there.”

“Um... if you haven't already-”

“No.” Fluttershy stopped as her eyes widened in confusion, taking a second glance to the tickets in her hoof.

“W-What?”

“They're not mine. Your rabbit stole the tickets, they're actually Twilight's.” Anon informed, Fluttershy just sighed in sadness at the missed opportunity.

“I'm not going, so the extra ticket is up for grabs.” The yellow mare, jumped with excitement, rushing over to Twilight who shot Anon a death glare.

“What? The laws of coincidence are fucked up here, so she was going to get to it eventually...I'm just saving time.” He said, Twilight turning to Fluttershy who was halfway through her story of a garden or some shit. And yes it's deluded as hell. You've seen the show

“Well, good luck...I'm going to go find somewhere to get food.” Anon called back, trying to escape the ponies before the inevitable could happen.

“Wait! I need your help.” Twilight shouted, Fluttershy just finishing her story.

“Damn it.” Anon swore under his breath. He really shouldn't leave her like this.

“There's loons and toucans and bitterns, oh my! Hummingbirds that can really hum, and buzzards that can really buzz. White-blue jays, and red jays, and green jays, pink jays and pink flamingos!” Fluttershy finished her story, sighing dreamily and clutching her rabbit in her hooves.

“Gee Fluttershy, it sounds... beautiful?” Twilight said, absent-minded. Anon holding up three fingers and started to count down.

Two fingers still up...

one finger still up...

Last one down and...

“Wait just a minute!” Rainbow Dash shouted, flying in to Twilight's side, earning a disturbed look from the purple mare.

“Rainbow Dash. Were you following me?” She asked, shocked and a little betrayed.

“Yes.” She said simply, not caring for how she looked, but under Twilight's stern glare, she Shrunk into a sheepish grin. “Look, it doesn't matter. I couldn't risk a goody-four-shoes like you giving that ticket away to just anybody.”

“You just said anybody...”

“Wait just another minute!” Applejack shouted, coming up to Twilight's other side.

“Seriously, some continuity in your world's rules would be nice...”

Twilight turns to the orange mare with a betrayed look on her face. “Applejack, were you following me too?” Applejack expression turned sour as she points accusingly at Rainbow Dash.

“No. ah was followin' this one to make sure she didn't try any funny business. Still trying to take mah ticket.” Applejack finished, while simultaneously maintaining constant eye contact with Rainbow Dash.

“Wow, could somebody listen to me please?”

“I'm listening to you, darling.”

“Not you Rarity.”

“Your ticket?” Rainbow Dash shouted in disbelief, flying towards Applejack with malice in her eyes.

“But Twilight's taking me.” Pinkie whined, finally causing all of the ponies present to break into a full blow argument.

Twilight, struggling to deal with the pressure, began to shrink down under the barrage of statements being thrown at her, wishing that the whole ordeal would end.

Then an idea came to the purple mare.

The most horrible and most cowardly idea that ever came into her head. She shouldn't do it, but she had no choice.

Hopefully, history will be merciful.

“QUIET!” Twilight screamed, throwing the whole group into silence. Rainbow landed on the ground, Pinkie remained quiet for more than ten seconds, Applejack and Fluttershy simply stopped talking and Rarity stopped pissing off Anon for a short amount of time. (which is an achievement in of itself.) All to focus on Twilight.

“Okay, now everyone here wants one of the tickets...” Everyone nods. “...except Anon?” The group turns to the lone human at the back of the group.

“No. I don't want to go.”

“...and due to the fact that I am unable to make an unbiased opinion, I can safely decree that Anon should be the one to make the judgment of who should go to the gala.” Twilight finished with a satisfied smile, causing everyone to shift their gaze back to Anon, who was currently staring at the Purple mare darkly, mentally trying to flay the unicorn bitch as she levitated the tickets into his hands.

“Fuck. You. up. The ass. With. a massive. Spiked. Dildo. Preferably. Covered in. lemon juice, razor blades and salt. You. Stupid. Fucking. Horse. ” He said slowly, making sure to emphasize every word.

The ponies however, didn't care. They only cared about one thing. They all stared at the human, not one of them daring to say a thing, at risk of losing their key to the gala, which was in the hands of...well, everyone gets the idea. Anon has it.

“Don't you dare.” Anon said sternly, but cautiously, his hands were clenched tight around the tickets as he stuffed them into his pockets and out of sight to everyone in town.

“Anon, You know you're my favourite human, right?” Pinkie said happily, opening the floodgates for everyone else to break into nonsensical shouting, attempting to appeal to the human's better nature.

“We could go together!”

“I'll put in a good word with the wonderbolts!”

“I could bring you back an exotic pet!”

“What about mah farm?”

“For fuck sake! Piss off!” Too bad for them, they didn't know Anon didn't have a better nature.
Twilight quietly backed out of the group with her head held low to avoid detection, preying to whatever deity that Anon would be spared.

“TWILIGHT!? You fucking whore!” Okay, now she hoped he got bucked in the nads.

She took off into a full gallop, fleeing the crime scene before she could be held accountable, maybe she could have deniability from the whole affair if she made it back to the library quickly...yeah, that's what she'd do.

“YOU FUCKING TRAITOR!”

And she'd have to file for a new assistant.

Anon slammed the door to the library shut, panting heavily from his ordeal, his hoodie covered in rips and tears and even a little blood, his hands bruised and his jeans completely shredded. He aggressively yanked the locks on the door closed, keeping him secure inside the library.

“Anon? You made it!” Twilight said with a sheepish smile, while simultaneously levitating the request for a new assistant towards the fireplace.

Anon just glared daggers at the unicorn mare as he marched over and ripped the scroll from her magical grip, unrolling and beginning to read.

“Dear princess Celestia...yadda yadda yadda...How are you?...yadda. Yadda. Yadda... I have made many friends... I feel it would be necessary to refill the library with more Starswirl the bearded's literature... yadda yadda yadda...oh, and by the way ANONYMOUS HAS DIED?!” Anon stopped reading to look at the purple mare in shock. Said mare, shrinking down in her place.

“I thought...”

“You thought I'd died!?” Anon said, though still shocked. “...And you didn't even deem that important enough to tell right away!?”

“Well...”

“Actually another question: How the fuck were you going to send this without me?” Anon accused, rather pompously, throwing the scroll into the fire.

Twilight's ears perked up and she smiled proudly. “I was going to send it via the post office and then I was- what are you doing?”

Anon had walked over to the other side of the library, looking at the shelves and reached up, grabbing one of the books. Twilight continued to watch as he turned and made eye contact, before turning back and placing the book on the lowest shelve, nowhere near where it was intended to be.

“Anon?” he did it again, taking another book and placing it far away form its intended position.

“Does this bother you?” Anon asked, moving another book.

Twilight, noticed what he was doing and began to rearrange the books back into their correct places... as Anon continued to move the books, using both hands.

“Does this bother you?!” Anon shouted again, still moving books.

“Anon, stop. I'll have to rearrange the whole library!”

“So it does!”

“ANON!”

“I've got an idea!” Anon said, lifting another book from the shelves and showing Twilight the cover threateningly with a malicious smile.

“...no.”

*Crash*
The various sounds of anarchy and chaos came from inside the Library, almost deterring Rainbow Dash from continuing, but she needed that ticket and she wold brave the dangers of Tartarus to get it. So she brought her hoof up the door and...

*Knock**Knock**Knock*

The sounds came to a stop and nothing replaced them, only the sounds of hushed whispers on the other side of the door.

“Who is it?” Came the voice of Twilight, earning a relieved sigh from Rainbow Dash.

“Only the most awesome pegasus in Equestria! Let me in, I need to speak to Anon.” She replied, but only more hushed whispers were her response. She stood there for a good few minutes as the other two behind the block of wood decided whether or not to let her in.

Rainbow Dash was certain though, that her two newest friends would let her insi-

“Go away!” Came the response of Twilight, sounding rather nervous for some reason.

“What? But...!”

“Please!? J-just leave.”

Something was wrong, Twilight did not sound like she meant it, it sounded more like she was being taken hostage. Was Anon threatening her!? Was he planning to eat her or something, like the sick carnivore he is!? Rainbow Dash knew that she couldn't trust that human! She knew he was up to something. Right from the start. Sick human. But he wouldn't do anything to Twilight! Not on Rainbow Dash's watch!

Plus she might give her the ticket if she saves her.

Rainbow Dash flew up to the second floor balcony as slowly and as quietly as possible, taking care to slowly land with extreme caution. She slowly opened the door to Twilight's bedroom and slowly tip-hooved over to the stairs, and slowly made her way down to the main library...slowly.

When she reached the bottom, she saw two things; one was Twilight, pleading with her hooves all on the floor. The second thing being Anon, standing with his hand held out menacingly over a book and a scroll, with a knife held threateningly over his palm. He was threatening to kill himself!? But she always liked Anon! He was so nice! How could he do this to them all!

“Anon no!” Her call gained both of their attention, as she made her way over with slow deliberate steps as to not startle him into doing something stupid. Halfway there. “look, Anon. You don't need to do this. I know that living in Ponyville can be a little taxing, but you don't need to kill yourself, just put the knife down and everything will be okay...”

Seeing her opportunity to stop Anon's ploy, Twilight decided to play along. “Yes Anon! You have so much to live for! Don't do it!”

Anon stared at the two ponies in straight up confusion, Rainbow dash just a foot...er hoof...FUCKING PONY TERMS!...Rainbow dash was a foot away from Anon, just within reach of the knife.

Anon however just looked Rainbow Dash right in the eye and said. “You're a fucking moron.” And cut into his palm, spilling blood over the scroll and book, causing both items to evaporate into the air.

“No!” Twilight screamed into the air as the last remnants of the book blew away into the air.

Rainbow Dash, who was more confused than anything right now, just watched in confusion as the scene unfolded, growing more confused as Anon's palm sealed up one again...confusingly.

“What was that?” Rainbow asked, as Twilight cowered on the floor in fear and shame. Like that one drunken guy that spent the entire night having an emotional breakdown and freaking out his friends. but more...sober and less swearing.

“A self-help book.” Anon said calmly, making his way towards the door.

Princess Celestia sat at her table eating her afternoon Tea. Her sister, Princess Luna, sat opposite her, not indulging in the wide array of cakes and biscuits and crumpets and tea and more things just so British that if she were to actually consume them, she'd probably shit out a union flag or possibly a British Bulldog. You know. The one's with the messed up faces and are considered a total genetic disaster.

Very British...

But neither of them knew this because they were ponies.

“Luna? Why are you not eating?” Celestia asked with concern lacing her voice. Luna just let out a heavy sigh and turned her head downwards in sadness, refusing to meet her sister's gaze.

“I'm not hungry.” Luna said solemnly. Celestia could only sigh in defeat. She couldn't force her sister to eat, so she just had to bear with it. Luna had to get there on her own.

A brief silence overtook the royal dining room as Celestia drank her tea. Luna remained silent, but couldn't shake the overwhelming feeling of guilt...

*BVVTTT* ”You've got mail!”

The silence was broken by the sudden appearance of a scroll, causing Luna to look at her older sister in confusion. “A letter from your student?” She asks, watching as Celestia Levitates the scroll to eye level.

Celestia smiled at her younger sister's change in attitude. It wasn't the happiness she wanted, but it was better than what she had. “I believe so, but this is far too early for her to have learned her lesson.”

“And her ape?” And then Celestia quirked an eyebrow at Luna's comment. The malice in Luna's voice, painfully obvious.

“Human? Yes, and you shouldn't feel so ill towards him, he's really a sweetheart, when you get to know him.” She said with a serene smile, trying to sound as reassuring as possible. Luna just huffed and averted her gaze once more.

Having temporarily silenced her sister, Celestia unravelled the scroll and began to read. “dear Princess Celestia, I am thankful for your tickets to the grand galloping gala, In fact I am so grateful that I have decided to send you a gift as well! A book should arrive shortly? I severely hope you put it to good use?” Celestia looked to her sister who just shrugged.

“What book is she talking abou-”

*THWUMP!*

...and a book finally appeared, slamming right onto the table and destroying the afternoon tea the servants had expertly prepared, spilling cream, chocolate and other miscellaneous food stuffs around the room, silencing Celestia. Curious, Luna tilted her head to get a good look at the cover of the book.

“one thousand and one ways to get into shape: Get your flanks looking beautiful in just three short years.”

Celestia looked on, wide eyed, unsure on how to respond to the sudden appearance of the book. Luna meanwhile just tried with all of her might not to laugh at her sister's misfortune.

“It would appear dear sister, that you have become victim of a cruel jest.”

“But...Twilight would never...”

Luna just smiled smugly, grabbing a still intact teacake and taking a single bite. “Not such a sweetheart now. is he?”

“Sorry Twilight, but if you throw me under the bus, I'm gonna throw you in front of a train... from a train.” Anon said, exiting the library, without another word, Rainbow Dash just remained there in shock and confusion.

“But...What the buck just happened!?” Rainbow dash went on ignored as the events of what just happened settled in.

On the other side of the door, Anon came face to face with Applejack, who wore a large smile as she held a basket of treats on her back.

“Heyyy buuddyy...” She drawled out. The tone she used was that of an adult speaking to a child... with special needs. You know the one. The one where the child has like some sort of learning difficulties and is drinking glue or something and the adult is legally obligated to try and stop the child from ingesting the potentially dangerous substance, but they don't want to actually touch them...you know, that tone.

Where was I? Oh yeah! “How are you doing, this fine day.” Applejack finished.

“Fuck off, Applejack.” Anon replied aggressively, causing Applejack to deflate under his words, but did not brake pace, continuing to walk beside Anon to wherever they were going.

“Now Anon, why have ya got to be like that?”

“Because you're just here because you want the ticket.” Anon said irritably, walking a little bit faster to escape the orange tormentor.

“...Na, ah just wanted to hang around my friend.” Applejack said happily. Anon stopped in his tracks, staring down at the orange farmer.

“We're not friends.” He said matter of fact, but Applejack just shook her head in denial.

“Horse apples. O'course we are!”

“The second you saw me, you attacked me.”

“That was just because ah thought you were a monster.” Anon stopped walking and looked to Applejack questioningly. The signature 'U siruis m8' expression etched onto his face.
“...in what way is that supposed to make me feel better. That just makes it worse!” Anon said with bewilderment. Applejack averted her gaze, instead deciding to stare at the floor. “Well...?” Anon prodded, causing Applejack to try to throw out anything she could.

“It was just an apple family welcome?” She suggested. Anon instead just looked back in disbelief. Feeling insulted that she actually thought he was that stupid.

“Applejack, go die in a fire or something.” He said while turning to walk away.

“But what about the orchard?! What about mah Family!?” She cried in desperation. Anon stopped in his tracks, turning back to the orange mare with, metaphorical fire in his eyes, stopping her also.

“Okay, let me get a few things straight. First: We're not friends, Applejack. Don't ever think otherwise.” Applejack's ears folded against her head at his words, but she listened nevertheless.

“Second: If I don't end up burning these fucking tickets, I'll decide who gets them, based on their arguments, not by their relationship to me. So you can consider yourself lucky.” Her gaze reverted back to the floor in shame, but she was secretly thankful that she still has a chance for the tickets.

“...And finally: I'm used to being treated differently by ponies and yes, I've been attacked by a few, so I probably would have been willing to forgive you, if you'd just apologized in the first pla-”

“AH'M SOR-” Applejack tried to jump in, but Anon doesn't let her finish.

“Too fucking late! You've had all week to apologize and you haven't. How am I supposed to know you mean it now, when I have something you want?” He asked, but received no answer. Applejack's head continued to hang low in shame. Satisfied with the result of his berating, he made to leave...

but a quiet sound from Applejack stopped him again.

“What is it?” Anon asked.

“Can we still be friends?” Applejack squeaked out. Anon was at a loss for words. This mare wanted to be his friend? But she assaulted him? And then there's the tickets...

Though he wanted to so desperately say no, he knew what friendship and love and all that other fagotery bullshit meant to these miniature talking magical mythical ponies that control the weather and day cycles and have magical tramp stamps that signify what they're good at in life...

(can we please all just take a moment to process how absurd that sounds?)

“Unlikely. I rarely change my mind about someone.” He said, walking away, not looking back at the embodiment of disappointment behind him.

Anon walked through the streets of Ponyville, subconsciously taking in his surroundings and only now realizing that his clothes were still shredded, but instead of heading to rarity's, he decided just to bear with it. He'd rather go naked than be in close proximity to her.

“Hiya Anon!” Came the greeting of Pinkie Pie as she shot out of a barrel with confetti and streamers firing out as well. Anon jumped back in surprise from the sudden appearance.

“FUCK! No! I can't do this!” Anon says defeated. Taking a sharp turn in the opposite direction.

“What do you mean nonnie?” Pinkie asks innocently.

“I'm not doing this for everyone.” He said as he reached into his pockets and began to scribble out some words.

“But we still need to do three more ponies!” Pinkie insisted, but Anon had a better idea.

“It's all going to be the same. You're all gonna be like; can I have the ticket and I'm gonna be like; fuck off and then we're going to have some bullshit reason to have six tickets and then everyone can go. We all know that's how it's going to end, so there's no point.” He said as he scribbled out the letter and cut into his palm with a nearby sharp stone, the blood spilled out- yadda yadda yadda- Scroll evaporated- yadda yadda yadda- Let's just get to the Princesses.

Princess Celestia was brooding on her throne, Princess Luna sat by her side, still snickering under her breath. Though Princess Celestia was still rather irritated by her earlier prank, she was happy to see Luna smile. If just a little.

Her concentration was broken when yet another scroll popped into existence in front of the regal sisters. Luna watched the scroll with the anticipation of a filly who was just about to give you her joke gum. You know, the one with the mousetrap style thing that fucks up your fingers. I'm not sure how it'd work with hooves, but you get the idea.

Celestia unravelled the scroll and cautiously read it out loud. Though was a little curious with the writing style. “Hey Celestia, Anon here. Got a problem. Yeah, for some reason, you only sent two tickets (even though you know full goddamn well Twilight has five friends.) and now Twilight's all stressed out about who to take and is threatening to kill herself. Yeah, if she doesn't find a solution that makes everyone happy, then she's going to give in. So if it's not too much trouble, can you send some more tickets. Four will do. Thanks.”

Celestia finished, looking to her sister in shock. “Do you think this is a jest?”

Luna merely shrugged. “I don't think anyone would be so low as to actually use suicide as an excuse to get extra tickets.”

Celestia nodded in agreement, grabbing another four tickets from the side pocket of her banana and placing it in a returning scroll to be sent to Twilight. Then an evil smirk spread across her face she looked to her sister maliciously.

“Luna, I have an idea.”

*Wham!*

The door to the library was kicked open at such a speed that the six ponies inside were startled by the noise. All of which arrived there when they heard the moral horn. The horn at town hall where when sounded, all six of them should show up to wherever the plot demands. The library being the point now.

Lazy writing you say? Well that's because...

Shut up!

“Anon? What's going on?” Twilight asked, looking at the human in disbelief as he pulled out an envelope to reveal another four tickets as well as the original two.

“Problem solved! Everyone can go!” He said happily as he handed everyone their tickets.

“But where did you get these?!” Rainbow asked, shocked.

“Magic, now you can all go away now.”

“But, Ah thought we were supposed to learn a lesson about friendship?” Applejack questioned, staring at Twilight who looked back to Anon, who just shrugged it off.

“Yeah, yeah, You're all horrible friends, now get the fuck out of my house.” He finished by thrusting the last ticket into Pinkie's grasp and pointing to the door.

Twilight was at a loss for words. “But...”

“Get the fuck out of my house!”

“but I live here.”

“Get the fuck out of my house!”

“But darling what about our plans to-”
“Get the fuck out of my ho-ARGH!” Anon was interrupted as he clutched his wrist in pain, palm opening once again and a scroll appearing from the blood. Anon rolled his eyes in irritation. Hastily snatching the scroll from the air and opening it.

“dear Anonymous the human. It has come to our attention that thy have not acquired a ticket. We believe that thy do not want to actually attend the Grand Galloping Gala. Which would be fine with us if thy had not accused our sister of having excessive weight problems. Therefore, we have enclosed another ticket especially for thee. Thee must also attend, for if thy doesn't, then there will be dire consequences.

Yours faithfully, Princess Luna.”

“Twilight did one of my rocks give Princess Luna brain damage? I can't understand a word she's saying.” Anon said as the ticket fell from the scroll and onto the floor.

Unlike the other tickets, this one had Anon's name written in bold on the front. It was also in comic-sans which just rubbed salt in the wound. Finally understanding what the letter was saying, Anon's expression turned pained.

“Oh… AW goddammit! Weak!” He reread the last line of the letter, cringing at the thought of having to go.

The other ponies were too busy inspecting their own tickets to take notice.

All except one.

“Oh darling isn't this just fabulous! We can go together and we can have matching outfits and we can...”

Anon stood in shock, staring at the ticket on the floor in pain.

“I hate you guys so, so, much.”

Author's Notes:

hey guys, it's been a while...uh...sorry?

Can you tell when I gave up with this one? It's not difficult.

Anyway, Now that I've gotten the more mandatory(boring) episodes out of the way, maybe I can be a little more free with the alt universe tag.

Maybe it wont take as long to upload Applebuck Season.

thanks for the patience and as usual, stay awesome!