“Hurry up, Non-non! We need to go now or we’ll miss the train!” the pink party pony currently pacing around on your front porch pleads.

“I’ll be there in a second!” you call back from your bedroom window while hastily putting on your jacket and grabbing your coin purse and keys. This is what you get for waiting for the last possible minute to pack. “Shit, where’s my overnight bag?”

“It’s right here.”

Your luggage gracefully floats over to you courtesy of a golden magical aura. You grab it out of the air, revealing the wavy prismatic mane and serene smile of Celestia, ex-Princess of Equestria and freeloader extraordinaire.

“…I don’t like that smile you’ve got, Roomie,” you say as you heft the bag over your shoulder. “You look a little too anxious to see me go. Do we need to have that conversation again?”

“No, Anonymous, you’ve made it quite clear.” With a sigh, she raises a hoof like a filly-scout making a pledge. “I hereby solemnly promise that there will be no parties, orgies, bacchanal feasts, or any combination thereof on the premises while you’re in Canterlot. I shall see to it that the house remains immaculate in your absence.”

You pat Sun Horse on the head and her smile grows by just the tiniest bit.

“Good. I can’t say I completely trust you, but as long as you clean up after whatever crazy shit you inevitably get yourself into and make it look like it never happened before I get back, I guess I can’t complain.”

You chuckle to yourself as a mental image creeps into your head of Celestia as a horse version of Ferris Beuller, desperately making a mad dash to get things back to normal minutes before you get back home. You almost want her to try something for the slight possibility that you’ll get to see it.

“...I don’t care for the smile you’re wearing, my little human. You seem a little too anxious to see me get in trouble.”

Damn, busted. You just laugh it off.

“You wish. Hey... are you sure you don’t want to come with us?”

She shakes her head. “No, it’s not wise for me to risk Luna’s ire by returning from exile just yet. She’ll need a few more decades to cool off, I’m certain. You enjoy yourself, though... don’t let little Pinkie Pie run you ragged.”

“You’re asking for the impossible, there.”

“NON-NON WHERE ARE YOU?!” comes another shout from below. Oh god.

“Looks like that’s my cue. See ya, Roomie.”

“Have a pleasant trip,” she replies with that smile that never fails to make you nervous. Descending the stairs, you step outside to find the Pink Menace frantically hopping up and down on your front porch.

“Finally! It felt like I was waiting...” She squints her eyes dramatically. “FOR-EV-ER...”

“Sorry. I always procrastinate when it comes to packing.”

Her smile immediately returns. “That’s okay! But Mr. and Mrs. Cake are already there ahead of us, so we need to go-go-go!”

With your luggage firmly in hand, the two of you start toward the Ponyville train station.

Man, this has been the week from hell. Even with the extra help the Cakes hired, you still barely finished the gigantic catering order for the upcoming Weather Control Administrator’s Convention at the Canterlot Mareiott Hotel. All that’s left now is to help deliver the goods with Pinkie and the Cakes. The good news is that all you really have to do is hand things over to the hotel staff and they’ll take care of the rest. The bad news is that it’s so late in the day that you’ll be forced to spend the night tonight in the hotel itself before returning to Ponyville the next morning.

You shudder a bit. You won’t deny that the thought of heading to Canterlot without Celestia makes you nervous. After all, you’re willingly stepping into her territory...

You just have to have faith that the Geas will protect you. Given that you have no real understanding of how magic works, you tend to distrust it, but this particular spell has done a damn good job of keeping the spergy little alicorn princess away from you so far, so maybe you’ll get through this trip unscathed.

Pinkie hums an upbeat tune as you walk; likely for some sort of spontaneous musical number that she’ll unleash upon random unsuspecting ponies that need cheering up. It helps ease your worries and it makes you realize that the pink mare truly is a treasure of your little town. How many sad, scared or angry ponies has she helped see the bright side of things (forcibly, if need be) in her lifetime? The number must be countless by now.

You take it as a sign. You should just enjoy this trip for what it is: a chance to put your worries aside, if only for a little while...

You watch the countryside get smaller and smaller as the train climbs Canterlot Mountain. So far, the trip’s been mostly pleasant. The Cakes have their own private booth a little further up the car, and you’re sharing one with Song Smile, who not-so-surprisingly HASN’T STOPPED TALKING FOR ONE SECOND SINCE YOU GOT HERE. But thankfully her voice has a natural sing-songy cadence, so your brain tends to treat it like elevator music and you can easily tune it out as you stare out the window.

You find yourself instinctively rubbing one of the Geas bands as you wonder what Celestia’s doing right now, and an unbidden smile starts to spread across your face. That silly horse... you bet she’s either wrecking your place at this very moment or lounging on the couch bored out of her mind. Or maybe she’s bored now because there’s nothing left to wreck.

More than once you’ve come home from work to some kind of disaster that’s made you flip out. Come to think of it, you still haven’t psychologically recovered from the whole guacamole incident...

But what really gets you is the look on her face when you step through the door. Kind of like with a dog that’s gone and trashed something valuable while its owner was away, it’s a mix of rebellious playfulness, shame, excitement, and ’This is your fault for leaving me’. It’s really tough to stay mad at her when she’s like that, and you idly wonder if she always knew how to be that cute or if it’s a skill she’s developed over the thousands of years she’s lived. Probably a little of both.

With a sigh, you close your eyes and turn away from the window, your thoughts drifting to more serious matters despite your best efforts to push them away.An image of Celestia again finds its way into your mind’s eye, and the issue you’ve been struggling with for the past month or so is suddenly right in front of you once again. So much for putting your worries aside, huh?

It’d be easy to ask her to leave. The truth is, even with the bonus pay from all the overtime you just worked, you’re about two weeks away from being destitute. There’s no way you’d tell her that, though, because you’re scared. Not due to the money situation, and not because you don’t know what the future holds…

No, you’re scared because you know if you asked her to leave, she would. She totally would. And you can’t imagine your life without her anymore.

That thought chills you to your very bones. It’s ridiculous... she worms her way into your life, drives you up the wall constantly... and it makes you happy. When did you become so attached?

“...and then she hit the emergency override button and the control rods were removed and the reactor core went into a critical meltdown! And that’s how the nation of centaurs was destroyed! Why don’t you like ponies, Non-non?”

That’s odd, her voice lost its rhythm during that last part...

“What’re you talking about, Pinkie? Of course I like ponies. I like you, I like the Cakes, I like most of the ponies I’ve met so far. Hell, I even like Sunbutt just a little bit.”

She shakes her head. “You know that’s not what I mean.”

Oh boy.

“Is this about that whole ‘special somepony’ business again? Look, Pinkie...”

She hops from her seat and puts her forelegs on your knees to lift herself up to face you.

“Please, Non-non. I know at least three ponies who like you that way! Why won’t you give it a chance?”

“We’ve had this conversation before,” you reply, failing to meet her gaze. “It’s a big taboo where I’m from. Even though I know I’ll probably never get back, I just... can’t. I’m glad you’re concerned about me, but I’m fine like I am. Really.”

The pink pony’s ears droop at your words.

“You should learn to listen to your heart better, Non-non... sometimes your mind can get so muddled up that you need to turn it off and do what you know is right.” She sighs, hops down and starts to trot back to her seat.

You know... that’s actually good advice when taken in moderation. Even though you don’t think you’ll ever accept the idea of falling in love with a horse, following your heart, or what you’d call your gut instincts, has taken you far in life. Hell, it’s what got you through the multitude of trials you had to face to get that goddamn Orb for Celestia in the first place. You can think of a ton of instances where just going with what you felt was right saved your ass.

Maybe you have been thinking too much ever since you got back, so you decide to give it a try. You close your eyes, let out a breath, and do what you feel you need to do right now.

Two hands reach out and capture the forlorn little pony before she makes it back to her seat on the opposite end of the booth, and she squeals in surprise as you pull her into a hug.

“Thanks for being such a good friend to me, Pinkie. I know I don’t tell you that enough. You only want what’s best for me, and I appreciate it. I really do.”

She quickly recovers from her shock and returns your hug with typical Pinkie Pie enthusiasm, though she remains oddly silent. When the hug ends she opts to remain beside you instead of returning to her own seat, and you take the opportunity to pet her mane a little bit.

“So, three ponies like me, huh? Care to tell me who?”

“It’s a secret, Non-non. I Pinkie Promised I wouldn’t tell,” she giggles.

“Well, I know what happens when you break one of those, so I won’t ask again. I guess I’ll just need to keep on the lookout for any ponies acting weird.”

She lets out a cross between a laugh and a sigh. “Non-non, you wouldn’t be able to tell one if she was right in front of you. You’re denser than Anonium, the densest material known to ponykind!”

You should probably feel insulted by that, but the way she said it pulls a laugh from you instead. A fond memory, from back before Twilight started getting really crazy, creeps into your mind. She was so excited to have invented a new super high density composite material during one of her experiments. You were deftly deflecting all her advances at the time and she figured it was because you didn’t know she was interested. She ended up naming it after you in frustration, but you’re not really that dense, right?

“Hey! Look, Non-non, what’s that?”

You follow Pinkie’s gaze out the window. You’re much closer to Canterlot now and can see some kind of large building under construction on the far edge of the city. It looks almost like a sports arena or something.

“No idea. It’s big, though.”

A sudden knock at your cabin door draws your attention from the sight, and Pinkie leaps up to answer it. The door slides open to reveal none other than Fluttershy, who happens to be wearing a fake moustache, tie, and a pair of sunglasses.

“Oh, hallo gud travelers!” she exclaims in the most horrible fake accent you’ve ever heard. “Eye am Meester Notfluutershai. E-Eye am a veery big fan off hyoomans and eye heard there was a hyooman on thees train! Please to be givink me yoor autograph, yes?”

She produces a small pad and pen from underneath one of her wings and nervously holds both in her mouth while looking up at you with a sheepish expression.

“Wow, Non-non, you have a fan!” Pinkie cries. “It’s always nice to meet new friends! C’mon in and make yourself at home!”

Fluttershy meekly trots inside the cabin, her eyes shifting from side to side and her fake moustache conspicuously askew. Pinkie hops over and puts a comforting hoof on her shoulder. “Aw, don’t be shy! I know he looks scary, but Non-non’s really nice! I’m sure he’d love to give you his autograph!” The party pony looks over to you with a hopeful smile, but you only cross your arms and continue to stare the little pegasus down.

“Fluttershy, what the fuck are you doing?”

The poorly-disguised pony ‘eeps!’ and jumps back, beads of sweat starting to form on her brow.

“Eye belieff yoo are mestaken, my name es M-Meester Notfluutershai; eye haff never heard off ze very attractiff pegasos Fluutershai en my life!” She risks a cautious smile. “Please to be givink me yoor autograph, yes?”

You know, maybe if these marshmallow horses didn’t have easily visible uniquely identifiable tattoos on their asses this type of disguise could possibly work. But this? This is just sad.

“No, we’re not doing this. Not today.”

And with that, you grab the little pegasus and easily lift her. She squirms the entire time, nervously eyeing the arcane bands of your Geas, and only settles down after you’ve promptly placed her back in the hallway outside the cabin.

“The next time you happen to see Princess Spergle, kindly tell her to fuck off,” you say as you slide the cabin door closed, locking it for good measure.

Pinkie shoots you an annoyed glare. “That was super-duper not nice, Non-non! All he wanted was to get a real autograph from a hyooman!”

“Pinkie, that was Fluttershy wearing a fake moustache and trying to get close to me for some reason. Twilight obviously sent her here. And believe me, this isn’t the first time this has happened.”

No, it certainly isn’t. For the past several weeks, Yellowquiet, Squiggletail, and Speedysnooze have all been harassing you to various degrees.

Rarity’s been attempting to spread those completely bizarre rumors about you, with mixed results. Rainbow’s followed you around with rain or snow clouds being a general pain in the ass, but the fact that you’re smart enough to bring an enchanted lightning-proof umbrella with you has completely confounded her and she hasn’t quite figured out what to do next. And Fluttershy, well... Fluttershy’s been doing... whatever this is.

It quickly became obvious to you that Twilight was behind it, but for what end you’re not sure.

Pinkie stares at you with wonder. “Really...? You’re amazing, Non-non! How did you see through her disguise? It... it was perfect...”

Huh. You almost think she sounds a little too disappointed that Flutterbutter’s attempt just got thwarted... nah, you’re probably just being paranoid.

“Good old human intuition, I guess. C’mon, let’s start gathering our stuff. It looks like we’re almost there.”

You can feel the train begin to pull to a stop as it reaches the station. You quickly grab your overnight bag and help Pinkie retrieve hers, then head out to meet up with the Cakes.

The ticking of your hotel room’s clock is driving you insane. Seriously, you’re about to smash the thing. You’ve been trying to fall asleep for over an hour, but it’s just not happening. Grumbling, you sit up in bed and look out your hotel room’s 11th-floor window to the illuminated city below.

You really didn’t take any time to explore Canterlot or sample the nightlife after you got here, because you figured you could go to bed early and then be that much closer to getting the hell home in the morning. So much for that plan.

Still, you should count your blessings since the Cakes agreed to take Pinkie into their room tonight. She was originally booked to share with you, and you managed to convince them that you sharing a room with a young mare was questionable, even if you currently happen to be sharing your house with a mare who you’ve repeatedly been told is the most beautiful female horse to ever live without any funny business occurring.

It’s not like you were concerned that something was going to happen with Pinkie or anything, you just wanted the peace and quiet. You chuckle a bit at the thought of poor Mr. and Mrs. Cake. It seems like even when they’re out of town they can’t get a moment alone away from their kids. It’s easy to see that Pinkie was like a daughter to them before they had their own. She still is, really. They love her to death and it shows.

And that’s why you definitely owe them one for this. Maybe you can work a little unpaid overtime or something?

Fuck... money. It always comes back to that, doesn’t it? Again, your troubles begin to creep into your head. With all these swirling thoughts your odds of falling asleep have fallen that much further, so you hop out of bed wearing only your boxers to get a glass of water from the bathroom sink…

…And what you see when you step back into the room causes the glass to fall from your hand and shatter on the floor.

“Hello, Anon.”

“Twilight...”

You feel bile rise in your throat and your heart momentarily stops. Standing before you is the purple alicorn herself. Her body shimmers with a faded magical aura and her eyes are focused solely on you with an intensity that chills the very blood in your veins.

“It’s been 880 hours, 13 minutes and 25 seconds since we last spoke. Did you miss me?”

“No... c-can’t say I have...” you mutter, the fear in your voice palpable.

She lets out the same cute giggle you’ve heard from her countless times in the past. It reminds you of a more innocent time, before this all started. Back when it was just a game to the both of you, or so you thought.

“You’re always so cold and dismissive to me, Anon. It’s one of the reasons I like you so much. It’s cute that you think you have any chance of stopping the inevitable. I’ve done the calculations... the probability of us getting married within the next 60 days is exactly 73.25112 percent.”

“Sounds like someone hasn’t been keeping up with her math lessons since becoming a Princess...”

Yeah, all you can think to do is throw out a stupid one-liner to buy some time for your brain to process this situation. How the fuck is Twilight here now?! The Geas shouldn’t allow her to be this close! Shit, shit, shit! You quickly glance at one of the bands... there’s no reaction! Did she do something to block it? Has she found a way to counter the spell?!

“You’re so funny! A good sense of humor is #12 on my 453 item list of desirable characteristics in a good mate.” She licks her lips and gives you the patented Sparkle Bedroom Eyes. “You fulfill all 453 requirements, in case you were wondering...”

She takes a single step toward you and you step back in turn.

“I noticed you looking at your wrists a moment ago. You’re probably wondering why the Geas isn’t working, which is to be expected. This isn’t my real body, Anon.” She takes a hoof and pushes it inside of her chest where it passes through as if she were a ghost. “It’s just an astral projection, created using the tiniest sliver of ritual magic from the ancient Zebra Tribes. It’s so tiny that Celestia’s Geas doesn’t even recognize it as a threat from me. Even though I can’t touch you like this, even if I really, really want to, it does allow us to talk.”

You let out the breath you were holding. If what she says is true then the worst she can really do is annoy you to death, but you keep your distance just the same.

“I don’t really have much to say to you that hasn’t already been said, Twi. Just make it quick. I’ve gotta get up early tomorrow to catch the train with Pinkie.”

“It’s okay, Anon. I expected as much, and I have all the time in the world,” she coos, smiling and spreading her majestic wings. “I just wanted to say thank you. For everything. I found out later that it was you who retrieved the Orb that allowed for my ascension. I knew you always loved me, even if you were reluctant to show it, but this... this was more than I could ever have dreamed. Soon, I’ll be able to return your amazing gift and boundless love in ways you can’t even imagine...”

She trots over to the window and gazes out across Canterlot.

“I’m sure you saw it on the way up... that large structure being built at the edge of town. I call it the Pleasure Sphere, and I commissioned it especially for us. It’s where we’ll have our honeymoon!”

The purple alicorn turns to you and her eyes are shining with excitement. For a moment you see a vision of the old Twilight in her library, bouncing around with joy at the discovery of the solution to some inconsequential problem. The memory warms your heart, but that warmth quickly fades as her voice pulls you back to the present.

“When it’s finished, the entire building will be covered in enchantments that will capture and record our lovemaking from all angles and measure it using all available metrics, with the data to be stored in the Canterlot Archives for eternity. The enchantments will grant us both limitless stamina so we can continue to copulate for over one month without the need for rest, during which we’ll experiment with every sexual act possible between a male human and female alicorn! It’s going to be so much fun, and so educational!” She clops her front hooves together. “Oh, I bet you can’t wait!”

The color drains from your face. Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Equestria, is building a RapeDome, just for you, where you’ll have horse sex for over a month straight in ways both imagined and beyond the realm of human comprehension. Wonderful.

A spike of terror runs down your body and your legs almost give out. You try to swallow but your throat is completely dry.

Twilight turns back to you and giggles again. “Oh, I knew it! You’re so happy you’re speechless! But don’t worry, you won’t have much longer to wait...”

As she licks her lips, you summon forth all the courage you can muster and firm up your balance. In the face of all this, it doesn’t help to think. Like Pinkie said, do what you feel is right.

And you feel, from the bottom of your heart, that she will protect you. You raise a wrist to Twilight, some of your confidence returning.

“That’s... that’s great and all, but I’ll have to take a rain check. I don’t think Celestia’ll allow it, do you?”

She laughs again. “The Geas. Yes, it’s definitely annoying, but not insurmountable. Think of it this way...”

Slowly, the purple alicorn begins to circle you as if she were a cat stalking a mouse.

“The spell surrounds you like a mighty stone fortress on top of a mountain. The doors of the fortress will never open for me, and the walls can withstand the strongest siege.” She stops in front of you again and gives you the most innocent look she can muster. “But I don’t need to enter through the doors to get what I want, nor do I need to bring down the walls. For me, all it takes is a simple crack, a single stone out of place to exploit... and the way is opened.”

The bedroom eyes return. “Anon, no fortress... no spell is perfect. Don’t think I’ve been idly twiddling my hooves all this time we’ve been apart. I’ve been testing, and prodding... finding the limits, finding what works. Placing my hooves and applying pressure on every single stone in the wall. It won’t be long now. The fact that I can talk to you like this is due to what I’ve discovered as a result of my experiments and the data gathered by a few others...”

She rears up and waddles forward, using her outstretched wings to keep her balance. “And if all else fails, well... I’ll just bring down the mountain itself and the fortress will follow.”

Twilight moves in to kiss you but her lips pass right through your own. You feel the Geas’ light shine as she makes contact and her ghostly body fades away. You fall back on the bed, gasping for breath and scared out of your wits. Even though nothing happened you feel like you seriously just came close to dying there.

As you try to regain your composure, you turn your head toward the bathroom and notice that the glass you broke earlier is resting on the countertop there, completely restored. How did she... shit... she said she’d been testing things all along... was all this just another one of her experiments?!

You close your eyes and picture Celestia in your mind. Never before have you wanted to see Sun Horse again so badly. As the adrenaline begins to leave your body, you focus on her image and finally fall into a fitful sleep.

After the 14th try you finally manage to insert your house key into the lock.

You’re finally back... you got maybe two or three hours of sleep at most and you’re ready to crash. Fuck the money situation, there’s no way you can work today. You swing the door open and stumble inside.

...

...

...

You step outside, close the door, count to three, and open it again.

Yep, it’s still there.

The entire fucking living room is filled from top to bottom with treasure, including gems, bits, golden crowns, scepters, the works. Celestia sits in the middle of it all, her face buried in a bucket of Neapolitan ice cream. The single eye you can see above the bucket’s rim meets your own and she slowly raises her head to face you, ice cream covering her muzzle.

“Wh-wh-wh-WHAT?!” you stammer.

“Oh come now, Anonymous, this isn’t the worst thing you’ve caught me doing.”

“It’s in the top fucking five, you crazy horse!! What the hell did you do, rob a bank?!”

She dabs her muzzle with a napkin. “Of course not. Don’t be ridiculous. I simply called in a favor from one of my old acquaintances in the dragon clans.”

You take a step inside and nearly trip over a large pile of perfectly cut diamonds.

“A favor, huh? What’s that on your wing?”

The ex-Princess raises a single wing and scowls at the red stain she sees there. “Fiddlesticks. Dragon blood is agonizingly difficult to get out of feathers. The temperature just melts it right into the plumage...” Her horn shines as she attempts to magick away the stain.

You begin to tremble. “I... I need an honest answer to this, please. Is a pissed off dragon going to show up and burn my house down tomorrow or anytime in the near future?”

Celestia’s melodious laughter fills the room. “No, I wouldn’t worry about it. I sent him into an early hibernation. I’d say we have 200-250 more years before we have to be concerned.”

In a daze, you walk over to your couch, sweep a pile of bits off of one of the cushions greater than what you make in a year at your job, and take a seat.

And as you stare at Celestia with a slack-jawed expression of incredulity, she simply smiles back and levitates over an unopened bucket of Neapolitan.

“...Ice cream?”