It’s finally almost over...

You slowly drag your beaten and battered body through the halls of Canterlot castle. Flecks of dried mud and blood peel off from your tattered clothes as the nobleponies milling about in the grand hallways retch and turn away at the sight and smell of you. Paying them no mind, you continue on, carefully cradling your prize close to your chest.

One foot in front of the other, one single step at a time… and you’re almost there...

As you begin to make your way inside the grand throne room of the Diarchy, two armor-covered wings unfurl and block your way.

“Halt! State your business!”

“Celestia...” you growl, your voice odd-sounding and muted from not having to speak to another living creature for so long.

The pegasus guard to your right narrows his eyes. “I said, ‘state your business’, or you’ll be removed from the castle at once. The Princesses don’t have time for—”

“Stand down, guardspony. Let him pass.”

Princess Celestia’s voice rings out from the throne like a gentle song sung by a mother to her newborn child. Immediately, the guards pull away and return to their posts, and you resume your forward progress until you’re standing right before her. The sunlight shining through the room’s stained glass wreathes the pure white alicorn in a heavenly light, and she meets your tired gaze with magenta eyes that offer neither comfort nor rebuke.

“Anonymous... you’ve returned.”

Your lips turn up in a wry smile at the sight of her, and you suddenly find it easier to speak.

“Forgive me if I don’t bow, Princess.”

She closes her eyes and lets out a sigh. “You were never one for formality anyway, so I wasn’t expecting it. To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?”

Carefully, you bring the item you’ve been holding so tightly away from your chest, revealing it to the pony before you. In an instant, all signs of boredom or fatigue leave her expression and her eyes widen in shock.

“The... the Orb of Ascension. You actually found it...” Her wings flutter as her body shudders with uncontrollable euphoria. “Guards! Leave us at once! All further audiences scheduled today are to be postponed.”

All of the guards in the throne room salute and trot away, tightly closing the doors of each exit behind them until the entire room is sealed off. You remain still as Celestia descends from her grand throne and approaches.

“...How did you get past the Terror Caves?” she asks, her stare sharp enough to pierce right through you.

“By running and screaming like a little girl the entire time.”

“The Forsaken Shoals?”

“Tamed a giant crab.”

“The Bloodfeast Slaughterfields Retirement Community?”

“It’s hard for retirees to feast on blood and slaughter things when someone’s stolen all their dentures...”

“...Estrus Valley?” She flashes you a questioning glance.

You tremble in response. “I... I don’t know. I think I did something to myself to make sure I’d never remember... ever.”

Celestia grimaces. “I... see. Well, I suppose the specifics don’t really matter. What does matter is that you’ve retrieved the Orb. Anonymous...” She adopts a half-lidded sultry stare, then moves to stand directly in front of you, her face mere inches from your own. “As your Princess, I implore you... I must have it...”

They say the eyes are the window to the soul, and you can clearly see the desire burning within them for the treasure you now hold. It’s honestly a little frightening… never before have you seen Celestia’s perfect composure slip like this, and you find yourself having to push her muzzle away from your face before she starts drooling on you.

“You remember the deal. You give me what I want and the Orb’s all yours, but until then I’ll be hanging onto it.”

She snorts, her eyes narrowing in aggravation. “Oh? And what’s to prevent me from just taking it from you right now, my little human?”

God, you hate it when she calls you that...

“Just how dumb do you think I am?” you counter, unfazed by her attempt to intimidate you. “I did a little reading before I left. These things lose their power if they’re not passed from owner to owner willingly. You try to steal it and all you’ll get is a useless rock in return.”

Turning away, the white alicorn pouts and mumbles, “Stupid ancient magical ritual stone rules...”

“What was that?”

“Nothing, nothing. Very well. Please remind me... what was it you wanted from me again?”

You cross your arms and give the Sun Princess an incredulous stare. “Really? Are we really gonna do this? You know damn well what it is!”

She scuffs her hoof and turns away in an attempt to look cute. “Please forgive me, but when you get to be my age, sometimes recent events tend to run together in the mind.”

You take a seat on the floor, facepalm, and rub your temples.

“Just before I left, she gave me a rough draft of a research paper titled ‘Why Young, Educated Unicorn Mares Make Ideal Marriage Partners for Humans, Summarized in 49 Key Points’. It was 450-FUCKING-pages long, and there was an actual photo of my dick in there overlaid with a nerve map that explained which positions and thrusting angles would be the most pleasurable for the both of us if I were to hypothetically have sex with her! I don’t even know how she got the fucking photo in the first place, but it needs to stop, Celestia! I’ve had enough!”

She nods her head in realization. “Ah, right. That paper was published in a scientific journal while you were gone, by the way. I hear it was quite a hit among certain researchers and primatologists at Canterlot University, and the castle’s seen many ponies visit to check if we had any information regarding your whereabouts…”

A sudden chill runs down your spine. It never fucking stops...

“Sorry, I’m not interested in whatever it is they want me for. But forget all of that, it’s not why I’m here anyway, and I know you don’t really care. Are we going to get down to business or not?” You carefully tap the orb in your hand for emphasis.

With a smile, Celestia rests on her haunches in front of you and uses a hoof to tilt your head up to meet her gaze.

“Yes, yes, there’s no need to worry. I’ll begin drafting the necessary documents right away.”

She stands and levitates over several wine glasses along with a bottle of some ancient looking vintage from a hidden wine rack behind the throne. With an effortless surge of her magic, the bottle is uncorked and you find a filled glass in your hand.

“Anonymous, I never in my wildest dreams thought this day would come. All the ponies I’ve sent on this fool’s erra— er, that is to say, this epic quest— have failed to return with an Orb. Now that it’s finally here, we have the solution to both our problems. You have my word that I’ll take care of everything.” She raises her glass and you do the same. “To the peaceful and prosperous future which awaits us.”

You nod and down a portion of the wine, and as the warmth of the alcohol begins to flow throughout your mind and body, you risk a satisfied smile.

You’ve done it. Despite the nearly impossible odds, despite all the hardships and trials, you’ve somehow done it! At last, the eternal annoyance that is Twilight Spergle will finally be out of your life forever! No more ‘experiments’, no more teleporting into your house at all hours, no more being woken up by her voice outside your bedroom window as she recites her latest extremely cringe-worthy yet technically flawless love poem...

It’s all over. It’s all going to end. Today marks the first day of the rest of your life in magical horse land, and things are finally looking up, Anon!

You stare down at your bowl full of dry Luna Puffs™ Breakfast Cereal. The spoon in your hand trembles as a wave of uncontrollable rage washes over your body.

A man can only be pushed so far.

You stand from the kitchen table, walk into the living room, and nudge the sleeping mass that’s taken over your couch with your foot.

“Wake up, Roomie. We need to have a little talk.”

The mass of fur and feathers grunts and flops over. A giant white wing rapidly unfurls and proceeds to sweep the contents of your coffee table to the floor, including your favorite mug which promptly breaks in half as it hits the wooden floorboards.

You suppress a scream.

“ZZzzzZz *snort* Hmmm? Wha—?”

Two magenta eyes slowly pull themselves open, and you hold up an empty milk carton in front of them as they attempt to adjust to the light.

“What’s the number one rule I have?” You tap the carton a few times with a finger. “You know, the one I keep repeating over and over again, but for some unknown reason it seems to never find a place anywhere in that thick skull of yours?!”

The pony blinks a few times, yawns, and answers, “If you use the last of something, you fucking replace it, Celestia.”

“IF YOU USE THE LAST OF SOMETHING, YOU FUCKING REPL—!!”

The shit-eating grin plastered on the white alicorn’s face from anticipating your speech stops your righteous tirade before it can pick up steam. Slowly, you walk forward, impale the empty carton on her horn, and flop down in your recliner to have a good cry and reflect on how your life has gotten to this point.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. It really wasn’t.

Sometime after your sudden, completely inexplicable arrival in Equestria, the little purple unicorn that took you in and helped introduce you to horse society with the help of her friends became somewhat smitten with you. It was cute at first, so you let it slide while gently trying to deflect her advances. You figured as time passed (and she realized she was making no progress out of the friend zone) she’d get over you and start crushing on some random stallion instead.

But yeah, you sorely underestimated her obsessiveness, and things just got worse and worse over time. It was around the point when she decided it’d be a good idea to stick some things in your various exit-only orifices for the sake of determining your fetish via experimentation that you felt enough was enough.

None of her friends really believed you when you told them about her crazy antics, though they did seem to be aware of her feelings and some even encouraged you to reciprocate. But you’re no horsefucker, Anon, and even if you were, the old rule still applies: you don’t stick your dick in crazy.

Eventually you started petitioning the Princesses for help via letters and were again ignored. It wasn’t until you showed up for a face to face audience with Sunbutt that things started moving along. She listened to your story with an attentive, if skeptical ear.

After airing your grievances, she told you she understood, but that her hooves were tied as apparently there are no laws specifically prohibiting constant, really weird nerdy romantic overtures and harassment when the complainant is a strange creature from another world who isn’t even a proper citizen of the kingdom. Her basic advice was to just grin and bear it, as she was relatively certain that her so-called ‘most faithful student’ would get the message eventually, though you had serious doubts about that yourself.

But before you left, she also offered you an interesting alternative way out, almost in passing. If you could retrieve some kind of weird magical rock from some faraway land, the Princess promised she would make all your Twilight Spergle-related problems go away. You readily agreed because, even if you failed, at least the trip would get you away from your magical purple stalker for a while. You considered it a vacation of sorts.

It took a few months but, long story short, you got the stone and brought it back. Celestia was ecstatic.

But what happened next you were in no way prepared for...

She summoned the little unicorn to Canterlot, gave her a (obviously completely bullshit) short speech about how she’d been preparing her for this all her life, and then promptly shoved the stone down her throat.

And in a flash of magic, Twilight Sparkle was an alicorn.

Yes, that’s right. Fucking Sun Horse took Purplesmart, the bane of your existence with powers already far beyond that of your average magic user, and promoted her to godhood.

Yeah, you were slightly upset about that. But it got worse.

Celestia then held a private ceremony and crowned the completely confused little pony as the new Princess of the Day, with all the attendant privileges and responsibilities of the position. She then quickly dumped her crown and other regalia onto her former student and proceeded to do a dance of pure joy akin to someone on Maury who just got told the results of the DNA test said he wasn’t the father.

All of this shit happened within the span of a single afternoon.

At first you were scared and confused by what was going on. It made absolutely no sense whatsoever and seemed almost surreal, but as you continued to watch it unfold before your eyes, you began to understand…

Celestia didn’t want to be a Princess anymore, but it’s not like she could just walk away from her duties, or pile them all upon her recently returned sister. No, she needed a successor. And you, with the magical stone you brought back that apparently creates alicorns when swallowed, delivered one right into her hooves. Who knows how many hundreds of years she’d been waiting for this opportunity? Who knows how many ‘faithful students’ of magic she’d trained, waiting for the day she’d finally be able to step down from the throne?

There was no other way to say it: you were bamboozled by this master ruse-mare. Celestia got exactly what she wanted, and your fate was sealed as the newly-crowned Princess Spergle’s royal concubine/science project. All you could do was laugh at your own idiocy.

But then something else surprising happened...

Celestia leapt from the stage and landed right in front of you. She brought her muzzle to your ear and whispered, ”Thank you,” before stepping back and casting the most complex-looking spell you’d ever seen. Even Twilight’s jaw was on the floor at the display.

Your entire body was bombarded with magic for what seemed like 10 minutes before the sparkly light show faded and the clearly exhausted and panting alicorn stepped away. With a smile and a wink she spread her wings and took to the skies, her destination unknown.

You felt no different, aside from being completely baffled and lost as to what just happened. But that confusion changed to fear as the approaching hoofsteps of the new Princess of Autism broke the room’s silence. With a lick of her lips and an evil glint in her eyes, she attempted to restrain you with her magic, but for some reason the aura wouldn’t take hold. Initially undaunted, she tried a variety of spells but nothing worked.

It was around this time that you noticed the glowing bands consisting of arcane lettering that circled your wrists, seemingly originating from underneath the skin. You came to learn that this was a ‘Geas’ (Twilight’s term), and it meant that as long as Celestia lived, the newly-minted purple alicorn could never touch you, physically, magically or legally, in any way, shape or form.

Your mind was blown for the third time that day. The wily, unpredictable ex-Princess had kept her promise to you after all…

…Yes, the very same wily, unpredictable ex-Princess who’s now sitting beside your recliner in the living room, one of her wings wrapped around your shoulders in a comforting gesture. A bowl of milk-doused cereal levitates into your hands, and you look up to find Celestia’s smiling face beaming at you like the sun on a summer’s day.

“Here you are, my little human. I know how grumpy you can get in the morning without your beloved Luna Puffs, so I found some milk just for you.”

You grumble and shove a spoonful of sugary goodness into your mouth. Maybe things aren’t so bad aft— wait. This tastes weird. Not bad, but definitely different than the stuff you usually get from the market.

“Where’d you get this milk from?” you ask. “I didn’t hear you teleport out.”

“I conjured it,” she replies, her smile still sincere.

“Conjured it from where?”

“From a place,” she sighs. “It’s magic, Anonymous, if I took the time to explain it your cereal would become soggy and the milk would be wasted. Please, let’s not have this conversation now.”

You hesitantly eat a few more spoonfuls of cereal. It’s true that your knowledge of magic is limited, so maybe you’re worrying about nothing, but just in case you sneak a glance over the arm of your chair to the alicorn’s lower stomach as she sits on her haunches.

And, as if to confirm your worst fears, a single drop of creamy liquid drips from one of her teats to the carpeting.

Your eyes meet hers as they travel back up her body, and you find her expression unreadable as your chewing ceases and you very, very slowly swallow your mouthful of cereal and milk.

“...”

You know, you shouldn’t really be surprised at this point. None of the crazy shit she constantly pulls should surprise you, but the only thing you can do right now is stare at the bowl with a blank look and try to force your brain to start working again.

Celestia pouts at your silence. “Is… it not to your liking?”

You take another spoonful. It’s actually the best milk you’ve ever tasted, but you’ll never, ever tell her that.

E – V – E – R

“I guess it’s okay. But can I ask why you felt this was necessary? Couldn’t you have gone to the market real quick or something?”

She turns away. “I don’t have any money left. My severance fund is completely exhausted, but I didn’t want to see you start the day so grumpy, so this was all I could think to do.”

Her folded-back ears and remorseful expression almost make you feel sorry for her. Almost. Instead, you take another bite of cereal and call her bluff.

“Bullshit, Roomie. You have like unlimited money. You ruled the whole goddamn kingdom.”

“Yes, ruled,” she replies. “In the past. When I stepped down from the throne, I lost my access to the royal treasury.”

“Well, your sister’s still a princess. Can’t you mooch off her?”

“Lulu’s cut me off, Anonymous. She’s slightly upset with me right now...”

You chomp on another spoonful of cereal. Yeah, you can kind of understand that.

Celestia disappeared for two weeks after flying away from the private coronation ceremony. Twilight proceeded to have a mental breakdown during that time due to both the weight of her new responsibilities and the fact that she couldn’t touch you, or even interact with you due to the effects of Celestia’s Geas. The only thing that managed to keep the kingdom from collapse was Luna’s leadership.

The poor Night Princess could have easily handled the raising of the sun and moon and the day to day operation of the government on her own. But throw a newly-minted, constantly sperging-out alicorn princess running around the castle to the mix and she was quickly overwhelmed, not to mention the fact that the populace started becoming increasingly concerned about Celestia’s whereabouts.

When the ex-Princess did finally return to Canterlot (presumably from the beach due to the oversized sunglasses and Hawaiian shirt she was sporting), you could hear Luna chew her out all the way over in Ponyville. She was M-A-D, mad.

What followed was a weeklong transition period where Celestia taught Twilight the ins and outs of being the Sun Princess, capped off with an official public transfer of power. After that, Luna quickly banned Celestia from setting one hoof in Canterlot for the next 100 years.

Imagine your surprise when you heard a knock on your door that night and opened it to find...

The spoon clatters in the empty bowl. Shit, you even drank all the remaining milk after the cereal was gone. It really was that good. The bowl is levitated out of your hands and into the kitchen sink, and you watch the light from the nearby window filter through the alicorn’s wavy multicolored mane as she turns to you with a subtle smile.

“Would you like some more?”

You shake your head. “N-No. I’m good, thanks.”

“Very well,” she yawns again. “I believe we should start our day, Anonymous. It’ll be a big one for both of us.”

You raise an eyebrow. “Oh? You’ve got plans?”

“We’ve got plans. First we’ll need to stop by Sugarcube Corner and inform Pinkie Pie that you’ll be taking the day off from work.”

“What? Why?”

The white alicorn trots over to the front door and pulls it open to reveal the sunlit streets of Ponyville just beyond.

“So you can help me job hunt, of course! You’ve been such a gracious host to me so far, it wouldn’t feel right for me to continue to take advantage of you without pulling my weight.”

“It’s never stopped you before,” you chuckle.

Her laughter rings throughout the house as you grab your coat and step outside with her.

You know this is probably a disaster in the making. But unlike her sister or the new Princess, Celestia has a habit of attracting ‘fun’ disasters sometimes, so they’re not always unwelcome.

She showed up out of nowhere, and these several weeks she’s lived with you have revealed a side of her that few have ever seen. It’s kind of like moving in with a girl and discovering she’s 10 times more of a slob than you. In Celestia’s case it’s more like 100 times, but still.

Her horse musk makes your entire house smell like a sunlit field in spring mixed with hay and oats. No matter how much pony-Febreze you spray on the thing, your poor couch will never be the same. And her monopolization of the bathroom in the mornings has disrupted the sanctity of your shit-shower-shave ritual more than once!

But the arcane bands around your wrists that react and shimmer when touched by the sunlight are a reminder of Celestia’s Geas and of the fact that it’s because of her you’re not chained up in Princess Twilight’s laboratory and/or dungeon right now. Having a large white Sun Horse crashing on your couch and eating all your food for a few weeks is a small price to pay in comparison, so you can live with a few disasters and some annoying habits in return for this freedom. If you think about it, the debt you owe her is immense, which is probably also why you haven’t demanded any rent from her yet. Though, maybe if she’s able to land a job in town that’ll change…

A smile finds its way across your face. So starts another day of the rest of your life in Magical Horse Land. You close and lock the door behind you and follow after the massive, swishing ethereal tail that’s impossible to miss.