Why have things been so weird around here lately?

Have you ever had one of these days? You know, when your half-adoptive-sister-half-adoptive-mother unicorn who happens to be the one single most powerful mortal entity you've ever seen let alone lived with almost kills you twice in the same day, once involving some sort of cannibalistic monstrosity brought from ANOTHER DIMENSION? I'd guessed not, but I'm not good at body language. I can't tell how your week has been in the not-being-repeatedly-almost-killed sense just by glancing at your mane. Actually I can, but that'd be sort of creepy.

They say you're always your worst enemy, but that's got to be a lie. It doesn't apply to her, I mean. Twilight Sparkle, killer of boredom and almost killer of baby dragons! There we are, minding our own business around Ponyville as usual. I could tell she'd woken up in a productive mood that day, daily checklist being completed and triple-checked twice exactly forty-two minutes after waking up and everything. That's why I don't wear a watch.

Actually, "business" doesn't make much sense there. For the first time in months, the library wasn't needed for a day. No orders had been placed, the place was pristine since the previous day happened to be "Spike go and clean up everything by yourself" day (again), and Twilight was for once not really interested in reading. She said she was "bored". I should've seen it coming.

I really did feel something then. Pinkie Pie calls it "Spikey sense", but I call it "Twilight being neurotic". Something about the ear twitching, the piercing mismatched gaze, the unkempt mane and the fact that she kept hiding inside bushes while chuckling and killing birds with her horn made me uneasy. And the voice made that stupid ROYAL CANTERLOT thing look, or rather, sound like a bad joke.

As I was saying, we had the whole day available to do whatever we wanted. I'd planned to go, um, hang out with Rarity while Twi stayed home and read books, as always. Apparently, the book she'd ordered and that was scheduled to arrive that morning never appeared, since certain mailmare had somehow managed to start no less than six wildfires hundreds of kilometres apart at the same time, on accident. I'm guessing she had some explanations to give to the royal guard. You know how meticulous Twilight is, right? So of course when the book isn't where it should've been she starts losing it.

Not a good combination in the first place, but then it just had to happen: Trixie. She'd come back, she was angry, and this time no Ursa Minor was going to show up and help us teach her the hay out of a lesson. So she's there, doing the exact same thing as the last time, except that day she too had completely lost it that day. Kept babbling about how she's learnt almighty tricks from the "unholy eternal fleshbound book of forbidden arcane spells of doom and death", and how she now could perform "unimaginably humilliating humilliation techniques such as making anypony fall in love with a pine cone". Which is exactly what she did - to herself! For all I care, she could've gone and shoved that pine cone up her...

Sorry. During her admittedly mildly amusing routine of humilliating other ponies and speaking in third person, of course, she gets distracted by something, probably Twilight's facial expression and miscasts a spell. What do you know, the next thing is that instead of making Lyra sit normally she just opens some kind of magical portal to elsewhere. Everday stuff I guess? Suddenly a GIANT FLOATING EYEBALL appears, starts flying around, knocks Trixie into the portal and returns inside, disappearing forever. Definitely not everyday stuff.

Was about to ask Twilight what the hay was going on and blam, she just grabs me with her magic and takes off towards the library, holding me in front of her as a scaly meat shield to punt other ponies out of her way. And a damn good one I must say, since I think she flung me against literally everypony in town not counting these being interrogated by the royal guard for arson.

That's when it started going downhill. Get this: she sits me at the table and starts stuffing jewels of indeterminate origin into my mouth, to the point of almost making me choke to death, and then just says "hurry up with lunch, Spike, we're doing SCIENCE today" in a whimsical and incredibly eerie tone that would've made me evacuate my pants if I had any. Luckily, my desperate gasping for air and arm flailing got her attention and she took the jewels, put them on a plate and threw the plate out of the window, prompting somepony outside to let out a pained scream after a crash.

"Get ready, number one assistant! I know what will be just GRRREAT to distract ourselves for the remaining eleven hours and seven minutes of the day!" she said. I figuratively evacuated my unexisting pants again. "I'm bringing Trixie back!"

Yet before I could protest, she jumped at my face and told me to fetch her a book called "Universal Teleportation", you know, the one by the great master Disp Henser, who I'm sure everypony is familiar with. And frankly I was already terrified of her while she was in a good mood, annoying her would probably not have been a very wise decision.

I started sorting through the books. "Uiop and Qwerty", "Umaril the Unfeathered"... at last I found "Universal Teleportation" and she impatiently yanked it away from my hands, almost making me fall off the ladder. As she started rapidly flipping through the pages, with that horrifying expression still on her face, I kind of wished certain pegasus came around and started another fire I could use as a reason to run away as far as I could possibly go.

Which only made it even more startling when the door to the library was violently flung open by certain very angry and very pink earth pony.

"Pinkie Pie?"