Big Mac had been waiting at their agree upon rendezvous point just outside the farm for over 30 minutes. (She's late.) Thankfully, he had gotten a full night's rest...with no additional nightmares. He actually felt refreshed and energetic, which was a nice change from his usual, grumpy morning disposition. Of course, his upbeat mood was in no small part due to the fifth of bourbon he'd had for breakfast. He had developed an unusually high tolerance to alcohol...not a good sign. He already had a natural resistance to the stuff. Country ponies tended to drink a good bit more than city ponies, but Mac's tolerance factors might have been unique to his physiology. (Dang it, girl! Where you at?!) What was the point of setting a time for them to meet, if she wasn't going to be able to make it? Had she gotten hung up somewhere? Did she oversleep? His mind began to wander...he was thinking about his former career out of sheer boredom....he wondered how long he'd be lost in thought this time...

The 3rd Equestrian Reconnaissance and Unconventional Warfare Group had been formed 30 years ago from the knights of a secret order founded hundreds of years prior. The candidacy was absurdly strict, and the training was almost torture...in fact, in some cases, it was literally torture. Mac had first enlisted as a spearman with the Equestrian Naval Infantry on his 18th birthday with grandiose dreams of defending his nation and family. But Mac had signed up in peacetime...he wanted to fight. It was who he was. After two years, he changed his MOS and joined an elite recon unit in order to ensure his exposure to the front lines. He had fought a few skirmishes with the Diamond Dog separatists in the Northern Wilds, but he was part of a recon unit.

Recon "Rangers" were the go-to special forces for much of the Equestrian military's needs. Ranger units were broken up into squads and fire teams that operated behind enemy lines for prolonged periods of time. Although they were well-trained in combat, recon units focused more on scouting enemy positions and covertly gathering intel. That meant he and his platoon always just skirted the edges of the actual fight...it was a scenario that was driving him insane. The few engagements he did fight, he fought savagely and fearlessly. While his squad leader and platoon sergeant lauded his prowess and fearlessness, they said his aggression was unwarranted and detrimental to the mission.

But they understood him...they sympathized with him somewhat...they even tried to protect him from the petty, sanctimonious judgment of his company CO and first sergeant. But Mac's continued, perceived transgressions and incompatibility with his superiors' ideas as to how a Ranger should behave put him against the firing wall. The two, old imbeciles watched him like a hawk, and they jumped on his back for every little thing he did...wrong or otherwise. The straw that broke the camel's back was when Mac ordered his fire team to ambush and take out a small camp of about fifty Diamond Dogs while on patrol in the Wilds...Mac and his three subordinates had covertly infiltrated the Dogs' camp at night and planted explosives throughout all their tents. At the first light of dawn the next morning, they set off the charges...the Dogs had been caught completely off guard...Mac and his Rangers charged the remaining Dogs to engage them in close combat...chaos ensued. Some tried to fight. Some tried to flee. Mac and his boys cut them all down with nary a scratch. It had been an overwhelming victory...there had been no casualties for Mac and his small team of four. And they'd driven the Dogs out of the southern portion of the Northern Wilds entirely. But his superiors hadn't been at all enthused, despite the significance of his fire team's victory.

As soon as the assault had started, Mac had turned into an enraged beast upon attacking...berserk...slavering. He had felt no pain...no fear...he'd had no regard for his own safety. He became an animal. He slaughtered over thirty of the enemy by himself in close combat...he had been drenched in their blood by the skirmish's end. His fire team had looked at him in horror...they were scared of him. So were the Dogs. So was Mac himself. Some of the Dogs had fled the battle out of sheer terror. But Mac's disruption of the Dogs had helped to stabilize the northern border of the Equestrian Empire. His behavior was not appreciated by his superiors. They told him that if he wanted to behave like an enraged, slavering animal, then he should go sign on with the Badlands Bandits. (Oh, the irony.) They'd said assaulting the Diamond Dog encampment had been an act of "insubordination," albeit Mac had never disobeyed any order or even disrespected his superiors...whether it was warranted or not. Mac's CO and company first sergeant had never established any SOP to avoid engaging the enemy...in fact...they had encouraged the Rangers in the field to ambush the Dogs when and where ever they could...but his superiors had lied and used the situation as a flimsy pretense to punish him. They tossed him in the brig for five months with all the child molesters, rapists, and murderers...it had a profound effect on him. He grew bitter. He became even angrier.

Once Mac had gotten out of the brig, his CO tucked him away in the armory to keep him busy. They didn't want anything to do with him, so they tossed him aside to clean weapons all day. They even told him why. They said he wasn't Ranger material. They said there was no glory in war. War = Hell. War = Bad. They shoved countless trivial platitudes down his throat. One after another. They'd been scared of him...of what he might've done to them after they sent him away...they knew how strong he was. They thought he was an animal...a beast who loved violence. They didn't understand...he wasn't a sadist. He didn't take sick pleasure in killing. No...that final, candescent moment...a furious charge into the fray. Living or dying in a rigidly decisive gambit of blood. His life's purpose going unfulfilled...the black, scratching thing in his head...it kept coming back, screaming furiously in his head. He turned to heavy drinking to drown the anger...he experimented with every psychoactive drug available. He bedded every nearby filly he could find...he wanted somepony to love him...to understand who he was and accept him. To not think he was a freak. A fucking mutant...a beast...a monster. But the only nearby fillies were noncombat soldiers who were augmented to his unit. They were rowdy, drunk, and lecherous...but then again...so were most recon soldiers.

They only cared for the size of his member and his endurance...they didn't understand him. They didn't care about him. He had wasted so much time with them...(...especially Honey Cream...baby...no...) Mac had gotten hurt by one of them. Honey Cream was a Unicorn supply sergeant billeted as an armorer, and she had been augmented to Mac's unit...he'd been transferred down to the armory to kill time until his EAS date, so Sgt. Cream became Mac's NCO...his boss. But what a boss she was... Mac's breath had stopped upon first meeting her...she'd been so beautiful...and he loved her tomcoltish personality. Technically, it was against military regs to have a romantic relationship with your immediate superior...fraternization.

But he didn't care...he had to know her. He had finally worked up the nerve to ask her out while visiting...she had felt the same way about him! Even though she'd been a rank high than Mac, she never treated him as her inferior...they spent so much time together. Over a year. They talked for hours about every little thing...she wanted to use her military benefits to pay for college after she got out of the military. She'd told him she wanted to get her doctorate as a microbiologist and work on developing cures and inoculations for the world's worst diseases. Sharing himself with her...loving her...just being with her had helped to repair some of John Apple's damaged life. He knew he loved her...they had barely kept anything from one another.

He'd known so much about her. She had confided in him, and he'd confided in her. They became so close. Too close. Mac told her something one day...about how he felt about her...she panicked. He'd only wanted to love her and for her to love him...to share the part of him that he kept hidden from everypony. But Honey had only wanted a casual, sexual relationship with him. Mac wanted more...he pushed it too far, and she fled. But it made no sense to him...they had shared their most inner parts of themselves with one another...how could she just fucking throw away what they'd had together?!!! (Fuckin'...AAaUuuuUGGhhhhhHHH!!...CuNT!!...why?) Everyday, Mac lamented losing her...she'd been his first true love...he'd never find another girl like her. Everyday Mac lived from then on became a miserable threnody for nothing...for the vacuum...for a love that never mattered. Mac fought back tears as he waited there for Rainbow. She couldn't catch him like this. He was strong. He was a stallion. Nothing could break him down. Nothing could beat him...except something already had...she had.

He'd opened himself up to Honey, and she ran away. He was devastated. She cut him...she'd been cold and precise...like a scalpel submerged in ice water. She had been an actor on a farcical stage, and he had played the fool. How could he have been so enamored with a girl who didn't love him? If she hadn't loved him, then why had she shared so much with him? Had it all been lies? Losing her had been horrific...almost as bad as his losing his father and mother...watching the two of them waste away like that. His father wasting from cancer and emphysema, and his mother wasting away from the loss of her love...hacking up phlegm. Staring into nothing. She had hurt him so terribly...she'd left him a wound...a gaping, septic wound that had never fully healed. He'd been left with nothing after her abandonment...the black had been scratching so much worse after she left him...it had been so agonizing. The ebony void had screamed so loudly in his head...there was too much loss...too much pain in his life. He couldn't confide his feelings in anypony...he had to be strong. He was a stallion...stallions didn't talk about their feelings.

But the feelings were there. Grinding teeth...the blood rolled over his mind...his brain cells popped. A yellow sickness grew in his eyes. A cloud of bone dust had entered his throat...choking...he needed catharsis. To cut. To crush. To burn the anger out of his blood. War boiled in his veins...it was the only thing that would give him relief from the black thing in his skull. The scratching...he prayed to every god known to equinity to save him...to give him the chance to prove himself. He had no answer for a month...the gods hadn't heard his plaintive calls. He considered overdosing on benzodiapines and washing them down with booze....he'd never wake up...just fall into a hole...the dope...it was all that he had left to stop the screaming. (the hammer) The Void wouldn't have him...not yet at least.

He was out of love, but he could still become somepony who mattered. A great warrior. Maybe the greatest of them all. If she wouldn't have him, then he wouldn't have love. The field beckoned. And if he died...well...he'd crack the very threshold of Valhalla with the sheer legend and might of his glorious, final battle, forcing the golden halls and Valkyries to accept his entry whether they goddamn liked it or not. Fuck 'em. Odin himself should consider himself lucky for Mac to not kick him off of his fucking throne and take it for himself. But he had nothing. He was nothing. Death would've been a beautiful solace. Mac's family and friends had no idea how far gone he was. He hid it. But it kept digging holes in his head. He would've taken any chance to fight again...any chance. Thankfully, one day his prayers were finally answered. He was going to get a chance to become somepony great.

His strength and fury had attracted attention. A pair of special forces recruiters had taken notice of him, approaching him one night at the smoke pit outside his barracks. They asked him some rather vague questions about his willingness to attend a qualification school at Camp Ponyton to receive some specialized training. They elaborated that he needn't concern himself about informing his CO or platoon sergeant, saying they would handle his change of command and orders. He said that was fine by him, but he asked about the operations of their unit. They said they couldn't specify, but they were deployed to various hotspots throughout all of Equestria and the known world. They said they were sent to take on only the most dangerous ops...ones that the regulars and even recon couldn't handle. Mac was ecstatic. He quickly signed on with them, seeing as it was a chance of a lifetime for a simple farmboy. But he hadn't expected how...unconventional this covert unit's training methods would be.

After returning to his barracks room to call it a night, four massive ponies kicked in his door and jabbed a syringe full of tranquilizer into his neck before he could even react. He was unceremoniously wrapped up in a body bag and discreetly abducted from his room. He awoke sitting in a chair somewhere with his hooves securely tied behind him with heavy chains...his mind was still foggy from the tranq...he was too weak and groggy to break the chains. Four ponies fully masked in shemaghs and clad in leather tactical gear began asking him all sorts of questions in heavy, Stalliongrad accents about his current unit's numbers, training, and leadership. He told them nothing. They threatened to hurt him. He told them to go right the fuck ahead. They obliged him. For hours they shocked him with electric cables and beat him senseless. He still told them nothing. They then told him they knew all about his family. They knew when Applejack's next birthday was, and what shop Granny Smith habitually visited every Friday. He told them that they were going to do whatever they wanted to his family anyway...and probably kill him long before that. So why should he go out like a bitch?

Suddenly, the four stallions that had been haranguing, beating, and threatening him changed their accents and demeanor. The leading stallion, a Unicorn, took off his shemagh. He was a jovial-looking guy with a light grey coat, a charcoal grey short-cropped mane and mustache, and grey blue eyes. He explained to Big Mac that this had all been an elaborate ruse to filter out the weaker candidates. He said that most ponies capitulated immediately after being tortured, despite initially putting on a tough front. The stallions began to cheerfully introduce themselves, and they apologized for the whole fiasco. But Mac started fading in and out of consciousness due to blood loss coupled with the powerful tranquilizer. The grey Unicorn tried to rouse him and introduced himself.

"Corporal Apple? You still with me? Yo, Forest! Keep that medical kit on standby...hey. He's coming to! Hey, man, I'm 1st Lieutenant Grey Dawn. Sorry about all this shit, but it's necessary. I made sure my guys didn't do any lasting damage to you. Congratulations, buddy. You just passed the first part of the selection process. Most ponies don't even make it that far." Mac had trouble speaking through his swollen lips and broken nose both dripping with blood. The worry that he would pass out again was somewhat alleviated, but he still had to contend with the aching in his head and the pain of his bruises and burns.

"Ugh...fuck...pleased to...make yer acquaintance, sir. Y'all wouldn't mind untyin' me, wouldja'?"

"Yeah, no problem. Yo, Steel. Undo these chains, man." An enormous, white stallion unlocked the padlock to Mac's chains, and they fell to the floor. He massaged his battered hooves and awaited further clarification.

"We read some of those medical reports about you, big guy. Said you're some kind of genetic anomaly. Super-equine strength and stuff. My team and I just so happen to be in need of some extra muscle. Still, we didn't take any chances with you. Ergo, the chains and tranq. We'll get you a cup of coffee to help with the headache. That tranquilizer we used on you was no joke, man." One of the stallions procured a steaming cup of coffee and presented it to Mac. He graciously accepted, considering he could hardly stay conscious let alone think.

"Sir...wouldja' mind tellin' me what's next? Am I gettin' shipped to another school?"

"It doesn't really work that way. There isn't any single "school" to qual for this job. You're going to be shadowing some of my boys. They'll teach you everything you need to know. But just a heads up: It's a long, arduous process, muchacho. It isn't going to be fun. This little initiation we had is cake compared to what's coming. You can back out now if you don't like the sound of all this, and we'll put a bag over your head and drop you off at the base hospital. But I know your type. You want in on this, don't you?" The young officer smiled knowingly. How much did they know about him?

"Ya' got me figured, sir."

"I knew it. Oh, and just another thing, man: We're pretty laid back. Technically, our unit doesn't even exist, so we got a little bit of leeway. You can just call me "Grey" or "Dawn", if you want. Oh, and these three massive, fucking faggots behind me are Staff Sergeant Steelheart, Sergeant Forest, and Corporal Shield." The three soldiers began laughing and introduced themselves, shaking his hoof and offering their apologies. They all made jokes and gently ribbed their officer.

"Oh, LT...you have such a way with words. You talk real purdy!", chimed a chestnut brown stallion. The Unicorn roared with laughter. The same chestnut brown stallion with a forest green mane helped to clarify what his officer had meant earlier.

"Hey, I'm Sgt. Forest like the LT said. Sorry about roughing you up. Anyway, the whole "school" thing...we don't do that. All that hazing shit you got past in recon training, SOI, and boot? Yeah. That's over with. You're going to be joining a class of about 10 other guys from different recon units...same as you, really. It's a pretty unconventional training process...but then again, we're all about unconventional. What we do is have them go on field ops and training with our active squad: we four plus eight other guys. Most likely, about eight outta' ten are gonna' drop out. If we active guys get deployed and can't be here to train you, then our reserve team'll take over. I know it sounds easy...but trust me. It sucks. It's an entire year of training. It's brutal." They were all candid and sincere about the difficulty and danger. They didn't waste time with the "Hey, look at me! I'm in charge and can yell at everypony!" routine. Big Mac immediately decided that he liked all four of these ponies.

"Alright, that's enough for now. Let's get this guy to the hospital. We'll get in contact with you as soon as the next class starts." The lieutenant moved to help Mac from his blood-soaked chair.

"No, sir. I'm alright. This ain't nothin' a strong drink won't fix. I can head back on my own." The grey Unicorn chuckled in approval.

"Man, I fuckin' love this guy! We just whaled on your ass for four hours, and you're still playing tough. But I strongly suggest you wait 'till that shit wears off completely before drinking..then again, you still might try it. You're stubborn as all hell, brother. Good. You're gonna' need that stubbornness, Corporal. We're not that far out from the base, but we still need to bag you until we get you there. I got a good feeling about you, Red."

Big Mac snapped back to the present. How long had he been reminiscing? It was easily 40 minutes after.

"Man, where is this girl? I ain't got all mornin'. My ass still has to finish up the plowin' after we're done with all this inanity." He began to feel anxious, knowing full well that every minute wasted waiting for his little, blue Pegasus friend was a minute that could've been spent on something productive. But his grumbling session was interrupted by the sight of a small, blue figure rapidly approaching from the sky.

"Well, speak of the Devil." Rainbow Dash roughly landed a few feet away from. She seemed fairly exhausted and disheveled.

"Hey, dude! Sorry I'm late! I didn't get much sleep last night, so I friggin' slept through the alarm I set. We gotta' get this over with pretty quick, too. I gotta' go pick up Pinkie from the hospital." True to word, she looked pretty tired.

"It's alright, Miss Rainbow. And I done heard 'bout Miss Pie's...uhh..."incident." Send her my regards. So, whaddja' have in mind fer today?" A devilish grin crossed Rainbow's lips.

"Oh...dude. It's gonna' suck. Trust me."

"Miss Dash, as appalled as I am by yer sadism, yer gonna' hafta' try better'n that to get the best of me." He returned the same grin.

"Okay, tough guy. Whatever you say. See that mountain up there?" His suspicions that she was referring to his favorite training mountain the other day had just been confirmed.

"Eeyup." He was relieved she hadn't suggested anything out of his expertise yet. A small part of him really wanted to impress this girl.

"Well, we're gonna' run up to the summit and back down. It's about a 6 mile run there and back. This spot right here is where we'll start and stop. Try and keep my pace...ya' know...if you can." The little filly put on a rainbow-colored headband from one of her saddlebags, and she began stretching out her limbs.

"Huh..that all, Miss Dash? How 'bout we make it interestin'?" Big Mac wasn't normally this playful but...something about her just brought it out in him.

"Alright. Whaddya' have in mind there, Big Red?" She gave him a predatory smile, knowing that he had some sort of competition or challenge for the two of them.

"We race to the summit, an' whichever pony gets there and back first wins. If I win, you gotta' stand in fer me watchin' over the Crusaders any day of my choosin'."

"Okay, deal. And if I win, you have to walk up to the first filly you see and say "You got a purdy mouth." Oh, and you have to stop calling me "Miss Dash." Seriously. It sounds friggin' gay, man." Mac was chuckling from Rainbow's hillbilly impression. There likely wasn't another girl like Rainbow in all of the known world.

"Heheheh...alright, I'll defer to yer superior appraisal of sexuality. It's a deal. You ready?"

"Yep. All stretched out. How 'bout you?"

"Stretchin's fer ballerinas an' yoga instructors. Oh, and one more thing: Usin' yer wings is an automatic disqualification."

"Ugh...jeez, alright already. Let's just friggin' get there while I'm still young. Uhh...are you seriously gonna' go running with that hat on?"

"Eeyup."

"Whatever floats your boat, dude. Let's get going."

"Very well, Miss Dash. Onetwothree GO!!" Mac knew his playful head start wasn't likely to count for much.

"Hey! Ya' big douche!" She sprinted after him, catching up to him in seconds. He had known she was fast...but...holy shit! She was FAST!

They had only been running for thirty seconds before Rainbow had already passed him. He knew she was fast. He knew that she'd pass him eventually...but this was insane! Mac now knew that if Rainbow hadn't dicked around with AJ at the Running of the Leaves, she'd easily have thrashed his sister. Her pace was incredible, too. Even with his superior length of stride, he couldn't keep up with her. And Mac had kept himself in peak condition. After gaining a respectable lead on him, Rainbow decided it was time to trash talk.

"Yo, Red! How's the view from back there?! Pick up the pace!" He didn't especially mind the view from behind the athletic, little Pegasus. He had to be honest with himself. She had a magnificent, little backside.

They had passed the three mile mark at Stutterfry...Bumblecry...whoever the fuck's cottage and began ascending up the slope of the rocky mountain. The terrain was treacherous, but Mac knew it well. Still, he couldn't believe how agile his little friend was. She was deftly hopping from one foothold to another, ascending the slope with little effort. At this rate, he knew he'd have to start practicing his creepy hillpony accent. Still...it wasn't all bad. (I still got a nice view..heheh...man, now I feel creepy.)

Rainbow Dash was impressed. Big Red had actually managed to keep up with her for a good bit, a feat in itself that was worthy of praise. Apparently, he'd kept in good shape after getting out of the army or whatever. But he still wasn't a match for her. She was rocketing up the mountain slope, her hooves clopping on the rocky outcroppings she used for footholds. She could see the end of the treeline where the mountain's altitude became too high to support taller vegetation. (Hell's yeah. I got this in the bag.) She burst through a series of evergreen bushes....and came face to face with a very surprised mountain lion.

"Oh, shit!!" She hopped backwards as the irritated cat took a swipe at her.

"Jeez, man! Chill! I didn't mean to jump up on you like that!" Rainbow wasn't sure why she was trying to reason with a mountain lion. Mountain lions had a history of being incapable of comprehending speech and being unreasonable.

She took to the air, hovering out the big feline's reach. Apparently, it had been stalking some sort of prey and was more than a little pissed off that she had spooked it away. The big cat began to roar in hopes of scaring her off. But it never finished it's threatening display, as a massive, red figure entered the fray and smashed it's hoof into the beast's skull with a sickening crack. A cloud of blood spurted into the air.

"Woah! The fuck, man!!?"

Big Mac's assault had sent the mountain lion flying into a bush. It tried to stand...it's legs wobbled pitifully in their vain attempt to support the lion's weight. But before the poor feline could come to grips with it's new life of brain-damaged delirium, Mac had lifted a comically huge boulder over his head while standing on his hind hooves and proceeded to dropping it on top of the unlucky cat, smashing the confused beast into a furry pancake. A small trickle of blood emerged from under the boulder, slowly trailing down the mountainside.

"Dude! What the hell was that?!" If she hadn't seen the primal display with her own two eyes, she would've dismissed it as absolute bullshit.

"A mountain lion, I presume. Well...it WAS a mountain lion." Rainbow broke into a fit of laughter despite herself. Her brutish, red friend seemed entirely unfazed by what had just transpired.

"Hahahah...oh...what the hell?! Are you friggin' serious?! Man, I almost feel sorry for the guy! Who goes around smashing mountain lions with giant rocks?!!"

"Well, it would appear that I fit that description, Miss Dash. Are you alright?" Mac was chuckling a bit himself. The macabre humor of the situation had gotten to the both of them.

"Hehehe...jeez...yeah, I'm fine, thanks. Should we uhh...like...say a prayer or somethin'? We just totally ruined this dude's day. Least we can do." Big Mac solemnly nodded and removed his hat, quickly chanting a "prayer."

"Uhh..let's see...how 'bout this?:"

"Roses are red, an' hogs are fat."

"Once you were livin', an' now yer flat."

"O, infelix feline, requiescant in pace. How's that?" Rainbow began laughing harder than she had in what had seemed an eternity. She wasn't entirely ungrateful for this after last night's somber events.

"Aww!....holy shit....I can't breathe!! Dude!...my friggin' sides...!"

"Madame...yer laughter besmirches the honor an' dignity of the recently departed. I am truly appalled by yer insensitivity." He had rattled this off with a completely serious face and tone.

"Please...stop!....Aww..man!!!"

"Ain't everyday ya' get to see a big cat suffer a rock-induced rectal prolapse. Not suggestin' anypony'd actually WANT to see that...but if ya' do...that's fine. This here's a judgement-free mountain, s'far as I'm concerned." Rainbow tried to catch her breath.

"Heheheh...oh...fuck...but no...I wouldn't wanna' see that. Jeez...you friggin' annihilated him, though."

"Yep. He done gone to see his Maker. While we're on the topic of said Maker, I'd like to ask him 'bout some of his more questionable design choices fer the mountain lion. Such as "Why'd you make 'em all ornery assholes?" Inconsiderate, too. Interruptin' our run like that an' all. It's a goddang wonder why there ain't more flat mountain lions layin' around." Rainbow was seized by another giggling fit.

"Hehehe...jeez, dude...but this is pretty fucked up, ya' gotta' admit. I still feel kinda' bad for him. This wasn't exactly a dignified way to go, Red."

"Hey, it ain't all bad. Look on the bright side. He already done got himself a ready-made tombstone. All ya' need's a chisel." The massive, red stallion procured a single cigarette and butane lighter from a small pouch he had brought with him. He lit up and breathed in the rich smoke, a nonchalant smile taking form over his typically severe countenance. Rainbow couldn't stop laughing. He was so...different. Funny. Silly even.

"Oh, God....there are...like... actual tears in my eyes, dude....!" Rainbow was having difficulty maintaining her altitude laughing this hard. Suddenly, a strange, gassy sound emitted from underneath the boulder. A nasty smell wafted by her nose.

"Oh, dang...you smell that? Whew! Lordy! Sounds like he done loosed his bowel. I think he just done one a' them "death farts." An' here you were all worried 'bout his dignity!"

"Hehehe...I can't...oh...shit...hehehe..."

Really should invent a word fer this. How 'bout "FLAT-ulence?" Normally, a pun that terrible about something so morbid and gross would have just annoyed her...but this one sent her reeling. The big stallion just stood by the enormous boulder that had ended the mountain lion, taking casual puffs from his Mareboro.

"Please...oh...God...I'm gonna' pee myself...!" It was a legitimate concern on her part. She drank a lot of water and had a fairly sensitive bladder...she'd never be able to look him in eye again if she wet herself in front of him... But he fears were alleviated, as Big Mac mercifully let her catch her breath.

"Dude...where did all that come from? I thought you were a friggin' robot. You're acting like a totally different pony today!"

"Yesterday a mountain lion weren't tryin' to chew on our unmentionables. That's enough to make any pony seem different." She wasn't buying it.

"Nuh uh. What's the deal?"

"This here interrogation is entirely unwarranted, an' it's fosterin' a threatenin' environment in the work place. Don't make me call equine resources." She laughed again. But what was he hiding?

"Hehehe...okay...I'll humor you. Call 'em, dude."

"Very well, Miss Dash...oh...dang. Guess we need a new resources guy....well...at least he was just a temp.", said Mac while looking towards the smashed cougar's remains.

"Hehehehe...the fuck, dude?!...hehehe..."

"Well, I suppose this concludes our little chat..."

"No way, man! Hehehe...there's something different about you from yesterday. C'mon. Spill it." Mac widened his eyes in comical faux-terror.

"Alright, alright!! I was young! I needed the money! I wouldn't a' done it if I knew they were gonna' make me wear a saddle an' chaps!"

"Heheheh...oh, man...gross!...hehehe...what the hell? But...seriously...why are you so chatty and shit today? Be honest."

"Okay...okay. I ain't gonna' lie. I'm pretty hammered right now, baby girl." Upon close inspection, she saw that his eyes were a bit red. Had he run this entire way...completely wasted?! Also...she had grown rather fond of his term of endearment for her. She knew it was just a country thing like "sugarcube" or "sweetheart", but it still made her blush a bit. And she seemed a lot more comfortable in his presence now for some reason.

"Jeez, man...isn't it a little early to hit the sauce?"

"Madame, I can assure you there is no such thing as "too early to get crunk" or "too early to hit the sauce." It is an entirely mythical fabrication of Gryphonic origins intended to undermine Equestrian morale. You know the Lunar cult supports early mornin' drinkin'? 'Sposed to make ya' more receptive to gettin' up at five in the mornin' to go to Mass. Hallalujer!"

"Heheheh...what the fuck?!...aww...you're a mess, dude. I hope AJ doesn't catch you like this." This goofy stallion was a far cry from the one she'd met yesterday. It was unbelievable how differently he was behaving. Did he always drink like this? Did...he have problems? Like she did? Were the two of them more alike than she'd initially thought?

"Oh, goodness me! Anythin' but that! You ready to hit the ole' trail again?"

"Heheheh...yeah, let's finish this up. I was totally beating you, too."

"True...but I feel I must bring somethin' to yer attention right quick, Miss Dash."

"Uggh...what now?"

"You used yer wings. Remember our agreement?"

"Oh. Dude. No way."

"Mm-hmm." Big Mac face was painted with a sly grin.

"You're gonna' call me on this? After all that?!"

"Eeyup."

"Are you friggin' serious? You kidding me?...oh...you son of a...I almost got my face ripped off!!"

"Oh, the burdens we bear are ever so heavy, are they not? But bear them, we must, Miss Dash."

"You...are the biggest douche in Equestrian history...hehehe..." He was funny. He was smiling. Good. She loved his smile.

"Oh, really? An' here I thought that award went to Trenderhoof. So, I'm the greatest douche alive, eh? The "Archdouche," if ya' will? Well, I gotta' say...that's a mighty esteemed position, Miss Rainbow. But I'm afraid I can't let ya' off the hook fer this. Rules is rules."

"Hehehehe...oh, yeah? Splitting hairs, huh? Well, then no pony wins. You said I'd be "disqualified", if I used my wings. You didn't say I'd lose the race. Big difference. You never said you'd win by default. You have to like...include everything in the rules up front, dude."

"Ah...ain'tchu' clever now, missy? I 'spose that's a fair point. Truce?"

"Truce...heheheh... Let's just keep an even pace and get this over with." They slowly began trotting to the summit.

"Yer the boss, Rainbow."

"H-hey! Did you just use my first name?!"

"Yes, ma'am, I did. Oh, one more thing 'bout our little wager. An obligation on my part, if ya' will."

"Yeah?"

"We both lost, right?"

"I guess. Why?"

"Yer the first filly I see.." Mac had a devilish grin on his face. What was he talking about?

"Uhh...so what?"

"You got a purdy mouth." She remembered their wager.

"Awww!! Dude! Heheheh...you're friggin' weird." The big stallion began roaring with laughter as the two of them trotted up the slope of the mountain. She was starting to like this new, talkative Big Mac...granted he was drunk, but she'd take it.

Celestia had always looked forward to her afternoon chess game with her little sister. The two of them were often so bogged down with royal duties that they barely had time to even speak to one another let alone spend quality time together. So she had decreed that the two of them were to have one hour a week to themselves with absolutely no interruptions in the exception of emergencies. It had only been a year and eight months since her beloved, little sister had been freed from her cursed existence as Nightmare Moon. For a pony who had lived for almost a thousand years, a year and eight months seemed like a week contextually. Celestia looked over to her sister, who had suddenly taken to staring eye level with the chess board and sticking her tongue out in deep thought as to what her next move should be.

"Aha! I shall move my valiant knight to B3! What have you to say about that, sister?" Celestia merely grinned. Luna had never had an eye for foresight or planning, which was why her little sister had never won a game of chess with her to date.

"My rook takes your knight."

"Auugh! Blast! Cursed knight! You have failed me for the last time!"

"Honestly, Luna, you shouldn't have let me kill off all your pawns so easily. I almost have a straight shot to your king now." Celestia calmly took a sip of her tea using her hooves. Even though she could just as easily use her magic to grip the cup, it was always wise to maintain one's hoof dexterity.

"Bah! 'Tis why they are called "pawns!" They should be honored to sacrifice themselves for my victory!" Luna still had trouble using a milder tone of voice. And her vernacular was fairly out of date. Only just recently had Celestia been able to get her to stop using "thou hast" and "it doth pleaseth me" in her sentences. "'Tis" and "'twas" were next on her hit list. Every day...she would make her little sister less of a dork. Or at least try.

"Luna, use your "inside voice." You know how much your voice echoes in the Castle. Remember that some of our subjects are rather meek. You'll frighten them."

"Oh...yes. I'm sorry, CeeCee. But why is a rook called a "rook?" Celestia smiled at her baby sister's usage of her childhood nickname.

"I believe "rook" means "chariot" or something like that in an ancient, eastern language. Supposedly, the ponies who invented the game originally used a piece that resembled a chariot." Twilight would be proud that her teacher could rattle off that entirely useless fact.

"Huh? Strange. It looks to be a little castle. And isn't a "rook" some sort of bird?"

"That, too. A species of crow, I believe. But they're entirely unrelated....at least I think so..." But contrary to her protege's unwillingness to admit ignorance, Celestia had no such problem conceding that she didn't know everything. Twilight despised not knowing something, and the poor girl somehow couldn't identify the absurdity in one pony knowing absolutely everything as a grand impossibility.

"I...see...but you shan't defeat me so effortlessly! I still have another knight!" The knight was Luna's favorite piece...she used it constantly. Often to her own detriment.

"You know, Luna...you have an entire board of pieces you can use. You don't have to use the knight every time. It makes you rather easy to predict. Try using your bishops and rooks for once."

"OH?! But what do pompous priests and strange...uhh...bird...castle...chariot things know of valor? They haven't the strength of hoof and courage of heart to wage battle!" Luna's adorable enthusiasm for virtually everything had come from her 200 year banishment.

After she had been freed of the dark magic that drove her mad, Luna dove into everything with hooves first with a new zeal for life. Even the most mundane things had become scintillating for her. A part of Celestia wished that she too could see the world the same as her little sister...so full of wonder and mystery. Like a foal again. Luna had always been a child at heart...innocent. Celestia giggled inwardly at some of the fun-deprived antics of her little sister. Just last week, she had been caught swan diving into a pig pen on a farm in Ponyville. Her reasoning was that the pigs looked like they were having so much fun rolling about in mud, and she wanted to try it for herself. It was so wonderful having her little sister back at her side. She had felt so lost and alone without her...she'd had no pony in whom she could confide herself. As a leader of a mighty nation, she always had to swallow her personal feelings and look to the welfare of her people first.

"Hehehe...each piece has it's own unique strength. You don't want to cripple yourself with predictable tactics."

"A fair point. I've yet to win a single engagement with you...but I shall prevail!...EVENTUALLY!!" Luna clearly needed more practice with her "inside voice."

"Huh...good luck with that. By the way, I'm sorry you didn't get a chance to attend the consortium yesterday with the two of us. That security conference shouldn't have lasted as long as it did. Someponies love the sound of their own voices. But the consortium made up for it! It was very enlightening. I would have never guessed how much more advanced some of the foreign lands were. Those emissaries knew a great deal about magic." Luna scoffed at this. She was never one for academia.

"Bah! I'm sure 'twas all very dull, sister. I'll choose the droning on of military fools over bearded, old sycophants any day, CeeCee. I know that you made a wise choice leaving one of us with each group of imbeciles." Celestia giggled at her sister's disdain for pomp and show.

"I'm not sure how I managed to schedule both meetings at the same time. That was a complete cluster. I must be getting old."

"Oh, you've not enough years behind you to make that claim, CeeCee. I shall assume that Princess Twilight was most enthused with your consortium, yes?"

"Oh, yeah. You better believe it. She was all over the place...asking them every question known to equinity. The translator could barely keep up with it all. It was all very cute, though." Twilight had the same enthusiasm for academia as Luna did for recreation. Swan diving into mud included.

"'Tis a mystery, that girl. But...did you ask the emissaries if they had knowledge of...what happened with..the two of us?" Luna was suddenly meek...her voice quiet and soft. Celestia knew that to which she referred.

"No, sweetie, sorry. None of them knew. I asked about what kind of magic could do something like that, but they had no idea. It's a complete mystery. I don't think anything could've been done to prevent it. What happened to you wasn't your fault. Don't ever blame yourself. I knew my little sister would never have willingly done those things."

"Oh...thank you, CeeCee. For asking." They continued their game...but now the mood was a bit darker.

No pony knew what had caused her sister to become Nightmare Moon 200 years ago. (The cultists tend to exaggerate the time a good deal. Ha. 1000 years. I haven't even lived that long.) It had simply...happened. Seemingly overnight. The curse's effects were awful. Her sister's soft, blue eyes had changed to a vicious cerulean...the pupils shaped like those of a serpent. Her midnight blue coat had turned to a menacing pitch black hue. Her voice...her voice had been so different. It had said so many terrible things to Celestia. Things that Luna would never say. It did horrific, abominable things that Luna would never do. Celestia had felt so powerless to help her.

She only had one choice. She cast her little sister into an astral prison, where she'd be kept in suspended animation until the spell wore off many years later. By then, she had hoped she could find a cure. And she had...just in the nick of time with the help of her little student and her friends. Twilight's incessant worrying and obsessive research had uncovered that the Elements of Harmony could dispel virtually any curse. Star Swirl the Bearded had made the Tree of Harmony (He didn't call it that, though. I thought my name for it was cuter.) that housed the powerful relics used to defeat Nightmare Moon's curse. Celestia was eternally grateful to her precious student for what she had done. Of course...Twilight didn't know the true nature of the Elements of Harmony and the "Magic of Friendship." But Celestia knew enough not to tell her. It would break her heart.

"But let's not focus on depressing things, Luna. Let's get on with our game. It's still your move."

"O-okay, CeeCee. Umm...let us continue the battle!!" Celestia smiled gently.

Underneath her boisterous, bold exterior, Celestia knew her little sister was extremely vulnerable and sensitive. In fact, the two of them generally avoided the topic of her curse, as it's very mention had caused Luna to burst into tears more than a few times. As powerful and brave as her little sister was...she knew she didn't have the strength to lead the nation on her own. The job required an insensitivity and cold calculus that she simply didn't have. Luna could face down trolls and dragons with no fear, but the being ostracized from her own subjects devastated her. Inwardly, Luna was still a child. A little filly who had never grown up. Her precious, little sister wouldn't have the courage to stand up to the Senate...they would roll right over her. And then the Senate would run the Empire into the ground with their petty regulations, taxes, and laws. Everyday Celestia regretted allowing that thieving band of self-interested, profligate nobles to gain that much power over her.

"Aha! I see my opening! Prepare thyself for destruction, sister!" Luna seemed to have gotten her spunk back.

"Luna...ugghhh....you put your queen directly in the path of my rook. And your other pieces are too far away to do anything about it." It wouldn't matter how much Celestia helped her play. She would end up winning regardless.

"Oh, damnation! But what is keeping my queen from slaying your bird-castle!?"

"Well, I can just gank your queen with my king. You'd just be wasting one of your best pieces."

"Oh...this game...doth maketh my head hurt." She always reverted back to her old vernacular when she got overly discouraged or annoyed.

"It's all about patience. And planning. You have to think ahead, Luna. You have to plan your strategy from your very first move to your very last. Think about your opponent's every reaction to the moves you make. If you study his strategy, then you can understand and beat it." But that was Luna's problem.

"I do not know...if I can do that, sister. I'm no Twilight Sparkle. I prefer the heated passions of a spontaneous, impulsive charge. Much more fun!" Celestia only smiled warmly in response.

Luna had no ability to see past the next five minutes...maybe even one minute. Having her take up some of Celestia's duties had been a great been relief to her...but Luna couldn't stand on her own four hooves like she had during her imprisonment. The Empire was currently mired in a period of unrest and conflict. And it couldn't have all come at a better time. Nightmare Moon...Discord's escape and subsequent chaotic romp...the Diamond Dog Rebellions...Appleloosan bandits and tension with the Buffalo....even the Equestrian embassy in Zebrica had been assaulted. If she didn't know better, Celestia would start thinking there was some sort of...agent of disorder (besides Discord) who was behind it all. It was almost all too convenient. She had even been personally attacked multiple times...thus she had a rather justified obsession for bolstering the Castle's security. And since her younger sister would be an ineffectual ruler in the rather possible scenario of her own death, she thought it wise to always have a contingency plan.

Which was where Princess Twilight came in. It was well known that Celestia had many past proteges that she had groomed to take the throne in lieu of her death. But Twilight put them all to shame. Perhaps her only protege to measure up with Twilight was Star Swirl himself, albeit he had nowhere near the capacity for leadership as she did. Cadence was too tender and emotional to rule...which is why Celestia had sent the pink princess and her husband to attend to the Crystal Empire. It would have to be Twilight. The little Alicorn had an incredible penchant for finding flaws in other ponies' plans and theories. She was perfectly suited to obsessively pouring over minute details to find anomalies. Celestia could easily put her to work investigating the possibility of a link between all the troubles that had ailed Equestria recently. She'd already assigned her the duty of reporting any anomalous magicks she found in Ponyville. It was surprising how much crazy stuff happened in that otherwise unremarkable, little town.

And this theory of a conspiracy against Equestria had been confirmed to at least a partial degree by the fact that there had been an assault on the Castle itself. Queen Chrysalis had even bested her in single combat!!...a fact that was a substantial source of embarrassment for her. The attempted coup had only been made possible by the Queen's ability to disguise herself as Princess Cadence and by her absorption of ambient magic from Shining Armor's horn. "Love" had nothing to do with it. Chrysalis was a lucky idiot who didn't understand that you can't eat or absorb love. That would be like trying to eat courage or fear. Stupid. When the authentic Cadence tried to free her husband from the Queen's hold on him, she managed to create a rather powerful and rare spell. (Where's Twilight when I need her?)

It was all explained by "Star Swirl's Theoretical Principle of Hysterical Catalytic Amplification and Resulting Resonant Magical Cascade." It was not a sexy name for something so powerful...then again, the same went for Star Swirl's name for the Tree and Elements of Harmony. (Ugh. "The Tree-like Monolithic Sourcepoint and Generator of the Elements of Multitudinously Amplified Harmonic Magical Resonance and Capacitance." No wonder he didn't have many friends...the poor guy.) The principle stated that a Unicorn in a state of hysteria (i.e. Twilight and Cadence) could theoretically amplify her magic to an exponential degree by absorbing the latent magic left behind from another magic-caster's (i.e. Chrysalis) leeching spell. Theoretically, the absorbing Unicorn could channel all the latent magic through another Unicorn's horn (i.e. Shining), thus amplifying any spell cast by a thousand fold. (But let the kids believe it was love. That's a much sweeter story.) And Celestia was glad the clumsily named principle had proved itself to be more than theoretical, as it had saved them all. She hadn't been able to rely on her soldiers to fend off the Changelings.

Her Royal Guard had performed miserably in combat with them, albeit the Changelings' ability to shape-shift likely made their battle all the more confusing. That still wasn't an excuse, though. If six, little fillies could fight better than hundreds of combat-trained, musclebound stallions, then they were all screwed if a truly powerful, organized enemy attacked. Another reason to despise the Senate. They had forced Celestia to disband her elite Praetorian Guard who used to protect the Castle and it's occupants. The Praetorian Guard were made up of recon and Malleis Irae retirees and were much more reliable than simple soldiers. The Senators said that they were Celestia's "personal intimidation squad" that she could use to cow them all into submission, and they threatened to close all legislation if she didn't dismiss them. (What fools.)

"Hmm....I'll move my rook back for now. I have a better plan...heheheh...", cackled Celestia insidiously.

The Senate couldn't balance a budget or impose intelligent laws and regulations that actually protected her subjects, but they could get her personal bodyguards fired....fucking brilliant. But it was ultimately inconsequential. Well, mostly. She would attend to those corrupt fools when the time was right. Celestia had no interest in abusing her power. She was far too old for that...she was incorruptible. She had proven this for over 600 years. The insanity and despotism of her father's rule had ingrained in her a sensitivity to oppression. The irony of her situation was that she had allowed the formation of the Senate to display to her subjects a separation and limitation of her royal power after the terrifying events of Nightmare Moon's insurrection. And the Senators were the ponies who were most likely to create a depressing, utilitarian society out of the politically liberal but strong Empire. She would eventually have to reclaim her former autocracy in order to keep her people free. Thankfully, she had an ace up her sleeve to help her do just that. It was a necessary evil. But Celestia would not be corrupted...she refused to oppress her people. Her father had taught her this lesson while still sane...and he'd ironically shown the ramifications of oppression through his own actions. Luna apparently had noticed her expression of deep consternation.

"Oh? But what are you planning now, you deviant?" She just smiled again in response.

Celestia was confident that her young protege could lead. Luna would take the foreground as a figurehead due to her regal image's effect on the populace, and Twilight would back her up. Her geeky, little protege seemed very capable in her leadership skills despite her relative lack of a social life and overall nerdiness. She had somewhat proven this when she and Luna had both been entangled in Discord's black...vine..things next to the Tree of Harmony. Twilight had managed to maintain the Castle's basic operations and even had managed to calm the panicking citizenry during that solar eclipse. A most unfortunately timed solar eclipse. It was a bit of a stretch to try and tie it in with the other problems...but the mere theoretical possibility of it all still bothered her.

"Something special, my dearest sister. Something that will no doubt be a game-changer." Luna only looked at her with confusion. Celestia decided to wait on a certain draconequus's report before making her move. Celestia had an ulterior motive in emancipating Discord from his stone prison....and he had proven himself quite useful so far. She would need as much information as she could possibly attain.

If the Senate had anything...anything at all to do with the instability and problems recently....there would be hell to pay. She would find out who was behind all this, be it the Griffons, Senate, or God himself.

A young Pegasus colt wearing a blue Imperial Postal Service hat was on his way to Fluttershy's cottage for a delivery. Milky Way's stark white coat was shining in the sun light of midday, albeit it was a bit chilly for noontime. His gilded amber eyes projected a gentle countenance. He was happy. At least content...for the most part. He had his family and girlfriend. And a good job making deliveries all about Ponyville. His dad had gotten it for him, and he always made certain that he worked three times as hard as anypony else to dispel rumors of nepotism. It paid well, and it came with benefits. It was more than enough to support himself and Ditzy Doo, whenever she decided to move in with him. From what he'd heard about her roommate losing her job, he could tell there was a good possibility that Ditzy wouldn't make the month's rent. But...she could just move in with him! It was a great idea! Eventually...when he got the courage...he would propose. He loved her more than anypony or anything.

Ditzy Doo was extremely self-conscious about her lazy eye and social awkwardness. Some ponies had taken to calling her "Derpy Hooves" due to her appearance and her tendency to drop or crash into things while in flight. But Milky Way didn't care. He loved her all the same. She was the sweetest mail mare alive...he was lucky to have met her when he'd first started working for the local post office. She was a little clumsy and more than a bit slow...but she made up for it with her sincerity and cuteness. Besides...Milky Way knew he wasn't all that bright either. He wasn't smart enough to go to college like his dad had initially wanted. But what did it matter that the two of them weren't geniuses? They were good, honest ponies. A simple, reliable job would be more than enough to meet the humble demands of his future finances. And if Ditzy got pregnant...well that wouldn't be so bad.

He'd just marry her and work twice as hard to make up her end, so she could stay home to raise their foals. Mothering was a full-time occupation. Anypony who thought being a stay-at-home mom was easy clearly hadn't had a foal of their own yet. He felt it was his duty to ensure his beloved didn't have to slave away to help make ends meet while trying to raise kids at the same time. She'd be worth it. She was the best girl a colt could ever want. He still remembered the night they had gotten together. They had looked through one of his telescopes on top the roof of the post office, gazing at the starry heavens with awe. Her eyes had lit up with so much innocent wonder...she was beautiful in the moonlight....he had been smitten with her ever since. Maybe his dad was right, though. Maybe 19 was too young to get married and have children, but they would still try. No. He was wrong. He knew they could make it together. He was certain.

Milky Way could see the cottage where his package of what he presumed to be medicine or animal food was destined. He liked making deliveries to Fluttershy. She had an arrangement with the local veterinarian, where the two would refer customers to one another for rehabilitation and treatment respectively. The little cottage was surrounded by the tiny domiciles of various, adorable woodland creatures. He loved animals. Maybe not as much as she did...but still. He was always mobbed for attention by the little critters every time he delivered here. He approached the doorstep and knocked. A lovely, yellow Pegasus answered with a sweet, demure little voice.

"Oh...hello, Milky Way. It's nice to see you again." He was fairly fond of Fluttershy himself, too. The girl was an absolute vision of beauty and didn't have a mean bone in her body like some of those nastier trophy mares...but Ditzy was his girl. Forever.

"Hiya, Fluttershy. It's nice to see you, too. I got a package for you from the vet again."

"Oh, good! That must be the new diuretic food for Barry. He's been so cranky lately...so I though a nice cleanse would help his mood a teensy bit."

"Hehheh...all I know is it's pretty dang heavy. Would you like me to carry it inside for you? Oh, and I'll need you to sign for it." The large, brown parcel of food was a bit too heavy for the delicate, little filly to carry. His dad had raised him to be a gentlecolt first and foremost.

"Oh, would you? That would be great, thank you. Would you like to come inside and visit Barry for a bit? I think some company would do him so good."

"Sure. I have plenty of time between now and my next delivery. So, what's wrong with the big galoot anyway?" He followed Fluttershy inside with the heavy package in tow.

"That's just the thing! I'm not really sure. He's just grumpy and ornery for some reason. He's been like this all week. I think it's something in his diet..."

Milky Way and his hostess walked into the living room of her cottage, where the massive, brown shape of a shaggy bear lay apathetically on a pile of blankets. Fluttershy's pet rabbit was likely upstairs...a fortunate thing for him, too. The last time he'd visited the cottage, Angel had bitten him right in the testicles. The evil, little bastard had burst into a fit of laughter while a profoundly mortified Fluttershy had tried to grab him an icepack. Good thing there hadn't been any lasting damage. For him and Ditzy, too.

"Awwww...you feelin' alright, big guy? I hope you get better soon, buddy. He's just a big teddy bear, isn't he?" The massive creature looked forlorn and nervous for some reason...it was a good thing that the bear was tame. His claws were enormous.

"Oh, yes. He's just a big baby when he's sick. But I'm still not sure what's wrong with him. He's been so edgy and grumpy lately this week. I'm starting to worry."

"It's probably his diet like you said. Can I pet him?" The big, fuzzy critter's fur looked so soft and snuggly, and he seemed so pitiful just laying there like a morose lump. He just had to pet the big lug.

"Certainly. Barry loves attention."

"Awwww...I'm sure you'll feel better after you try some of that new food, fella'." Barry snorted and made a little whining sound, his big bearish jowls forming an exaggerated yet still somehow adorable frown. Ditzy would love to see this! She had a special fondness for teddy bears...and this was the real-life version of those! Too bad he was feeling all sick and jittery. Maybe he could still cheer him up, though.

Milky Way reached over to the bear's shaggy side and patted it gently with his hoof. The bear snorted with annoyance...

"...big guy must not feel like company..."

Mac and Rainbow steadily trotted along the path back to the farmhouse, sweaty and fatigued from their mountain run. They had been talking the entire way after the cougar attack. Well, after HE attacked the cougar. The cougar was only a bit annoyed by Rainbow's intrusion. Maybe he'd overreacted with the whole "squash-his-head-out-through-his-rectum-with-a-boulder routine." The cougar's aggression wasn't much of an alarm for Mac, seeing as the big cat had been well outside the range of Ponyville's protective runes. Regardless, something good had come of it. He and Rainbow were really hitting it off. They had a lot more in common than he'd thought. He'd talked more with Rainbow that morning than he had for an entire month.

"Whew! Twelve miles of hoofin' it and a friggin' cougar tries to kill us. Some morning. I still gotta' go get Pinkie in a bit. Anyway, I can't believe you're actually a fan of Love Battalion! It seems so out of character and stuff."

"Hey, just 'cause I'm from the country don't mean all I wanna' hear is fuckin' banjos and steel guitars. What can I say? Imma' sucker fer a good power ballad. Uhh...sorry fer my language..." The prismatic filly giggled.

"Fuck. Cunt. Cock. Ass. Who cares? Say whatever you want, dudebro." He laughed. She was a bit immature...but she managed to still be adorable. And he could say what he wanted in her presence. He could be himself. Be comfortable.

"Roger that, flygirl. Just don't like bein' pigeonholed is all." Mac wasn't sure as why he'd just used military jargon. It's usage in her presence made him feel a bit like a tool.

"Hey, I'm not complaining! I just think it's rad that someone else has even heard of them. And Lyle...oh, man. He is so fine."

"Uhh...I can't attest to another stallion's attractiveness and whatnot...that's a little odd. Shame he OD'd on all that heroin. He could really sing and play a mean guitar." It really made him uncomfortable for some reason to hear her comment on another stallion's looks.

"Damn straight, he could. But don't you go changing the subject, dude! Admit it. You would. Everypony would."

"Hell no. I'll admit that he kinda...looked like a mare what with that big ole' mop of teased out mane an' all, but my train don't stop at that particular station, sugarcube."

"Suuuurree. Whatever you say. You play any instruments, man?" It was a question Mac was glad she had asked. He could impress her...he still wanted to impress her. Why did it matter, though?

"Uhh...well, I can play acoustic an' electric guitar fairly proficiently. How 'bout you?" He'd heard her sing once. She had a lovely voice. Husky...a little scratchy...but still lovely. It was a unique voice.

"Oh...nah, dude. I got these friggin' clumsy-ass hooves. I can't play instruments for shit. I can sing a bit, though. Hey, you can sing, too, cantcha'? Heheheh...yeah...you were with that quartet thing that Rarity put together...heheheh." (Awww, shit.) She was giggling incessantly now that she'd recalled his participation in the quartet...it was something of which he wasn't especially proud.

"Uhh...can we...NOT talk 'bout all that, Rainbow?"

"Nuh uh! You gotta' tell me why you did it. It's hella' weird for you to do something like that. AJ says you hate being the center of attention."

"And you LOVE bein' the center of attention."

"Nice try, but we're not changing the subject...come on...hehehe...spit it out."

"Ughh...well...Miss Rarity put the quartet together initially as a fundraisin' sorta' thing. But we started gettin' paid to sing at birthday parties an' shit. Farm ain't doin' too well right now, so I decided to just suck it up and play ball. Needed the money."

"Ohhhh....that explains a lot actually...heheheh...wait...so that basically makes you a whore who'll do anything for money, huh?"

"I beg yer pardon?"

"Hey, don't get all offended. Whoring is a long-standing, respected profession, Red."

"Hah. So, I'll assume you'd do the same thing if'n ya' were in my position?"

"Fuck, no! Those sweaters were hella' gay, bro." Mac roared with laughter.

"Hahahah!...oh, man..."

"Hey, don't be ashamed of whoring yourself out. You're in high demand. I'd hire you...uhh...umm....f-for singing...s-so how'd you get out of it?" Mac wasn't sure what she'd meant by all that "hiring him" business. He was rather glad that he was born with a crimson coat at that moment. A part of him hoped that was a Pferdian slip. He liked Rainbow in more ways than he cared to admit.

"Uhh...well I told her I done lost my voice one day doin' turkey calls or some shit." Rainbow giggled.

"The hell? Heheheh..."turkey calls?" Oh, yeah! Fluttershy told me that the Apples had that Turkey Call Competition thing! Don't tell me you actually competed in that...heheheh." Mac snickered. Even if she scoffed at the non-existent competition, she'd still compete in it. As competitive as Dash was, he knew she'd still try to win first place. Rainbow poured herself into everything she did...no matter how trivial it was, she had to win.

"Eenope. I just told her all that to get outta' doin' it anymore. Ain't no such thing as a damn Turkey Call Competition. She wouldn't know the difference, seein' as she ain't hardly been out in the country. Felt bad lyin'...but fuck it. It just weren't worth the indignity an' all." Rainbow was rolling.

"Hahahahah!! Oh, jeez!! She actually bought that?! But wait...I know Fluttershy is still doing that quartet thing...but what if you like...got your voice back? Wouldn't Rarity still want you to sing? You wouldn't have an excuse not to sing, then." Mac still had no idea which pony was "Fluttershy." (Was it the yeller-lookin' filly?) If it was indeed her, he would likely forget the name anyway. The girl was rather forgettable. In the mild exception of her shockingly deep voice that she acquired after coming into contact with poison joke flowers...

"I had a supportin' argument fer my excuse. My epistemological justification went as thus: Addin' another voice to the group didn't make it a quartet no more. After that new girl joined up, we'd have five members. Ergo, it'd be a quintet. So I just went off on some tautological tangent with Miss Rarity, tellin' her that I'd wanted to preserve the artistic integrity of the quartet what with the added voice fuckin' up the acoustics an' all, an' she didn't need my services no more. Told her the new girl could just take my place. She said she understood."

"Heheheh...I can't believe she bought that! Well...it sounds super smart an' junk. It's pretty funny hearing you roll out all those big-ass words with that accent, man! But...what about Pinkie Pie? How'd she get first place in a contest that didn't exist?" Mac chuckled. He was flattered by her perceived compliment...albeit it unintentionally was a bit of a back-handed compliment. He'd still take it.

"'Cuz it's fuckin' Pinkie Pie. Which is fundamentally both the question an' answer fer anythin' she does. Who the hell knows how she got that ribbon?" Rainbow broke into another fit of giggles. It was a cute sound. He liked it. Her voice...her smile...he wanted to make her smile some more.

"Heheheh...holy shit...how'd she even?...man....whatever. So...uhh...were you ever in a band or anything before all that?"

"Why, yes. I played fer the sludge metal/polka/punk rock/alternative/bluegrass fusion band "John Macintosh Apple." I was the sole proprietor, lead vocalist, lead guitarist, drummer, bassist, rhythm guitarist..." The joke was stupid. But she was laughing.

"Hehehe...what the hell?"

"...keyboard player, flautist, cellist, trumpeter, wind chime player, sitarist, roadie, manager, accountant,..."

"Oh, man! You just keep goin'! Heheheh..." Still giggling. Good. Cute.

"...groupie, stage manager, stagehand, and the sole member of the audience." Still giggling.

"Heheheheh...wait a sec...you were the only groupie? So how'd ya' get laid?" Mac's red coat was a godsend.

"Uhh...what?"

"Nevermind. Hehehe...don't answer that." Mac laughed. But she was blushing. He liked it when she did that.

"Hehehe...you sure you don't play no instruments, Rainbow?"

"Well...I do play a mean air guitar!" The prismatic, little Pegasus took to the air, simulating her hooves playing the frets of an imaginary guitar. She stuck her tongue out to complete the effect, revealing a tongue stud that was previously unbeknownst to Mac. It was...arousing...for some reason. He wasn't sure why. He just chuckled at her display. She stopped herself and landed on the road they had been walking down for some time.

"Awww, man. I'm a dork." She was blushing even more. She was pretty. He had realized this in earnest now.

"Nah, sugarcube. Just overly enthusiastic."

"That's a codeword for "dork." Heheheh.." It didn't matter. Her display had been cute. She likely would be cute no matter what she chose to do.

"Nah...it all kinda' makes sense now. You got that "rocker chick" thing goin' what with the mane an' them piercin's. I like it. It suits ya'."

"For reals? Wow. Thanks, man. That was like what I was going for." She blushed more at the compliment. He could just watch her reactions all day. He didn't care if that sounded creepy.

"No, problem, Rainbow. I reckon you need to head on out now, huh?" He hated to see her go. He'd grown fond of her.

"Yeah...so I'll see you next training day?"

"Absolutely."

"Oh...I just remembered tomorrow I've got an interview with those Nimbus suits at the station. Man.."

"I hope it all turns out alright for ya', sweetheart, although the sentiments of a relative stranger probably don't amount to much."

"Hey, we aren't strangers, Red! We're buds, remember?"

"Oh, yeah. I reckon you're right. Anyway...about our trainin'...so we're meetin' four times a week like this same time every mornin'?" It seemed a bit excessive. If they over-trained and didn't allow for adequate rest, they would just be wasting their time.

"Yep. That's about the gist of it. We can help each other out with stuff, too...like you can show me some of that strength training stuff and how to get in more pull-ups, and I can help you out with your speed and flexibility. You're friggin' fast and got some major endurance, but you're stiff as a board, dude. Speaking of which, we should probably stop and stretch out for a bit, before we punch out for the day. Real quick."

"Aww...dammit." She snickered.

"Heheh...don't worry it won't take long, and it's great for muscle soreness and recovery." Rainbow began showing him some simple stretches. Mac was already well acquainted with stretching. He just didn't like it.

"Okay, now let's do some assisted stretching. Sit down on the grass and make a straight "V" with your legs. I'm gonna' get behind you and push you down towards your hooves. This'll get your core and quads." Rainbow began pushing on the red stallion's back in a somewhat vain attempt to force him to touch his forehooves to his backhooves. It wasn't pleasant.

"Man....the hell with this...woah, girl! Careful back there! I ain't no trampoline."

"I know you're not. A trampoline would be more flexible. Holy crap, man. You're like iron!" She was right. He was stiff as a board.

"Flexibility ain't a big priority of mine."

"Too bad. We're doing it. It helps with injury prevention and shit. Now stretch." She pushed down on him even harder than before.

"I'm tryin! Dang...this ain't a natural position fer an equine, I tell ya' what! My dang lower posterior chain ain't meant to do this, girl."

"All I heard was "blah blah I'm a tool...blah blah I read books and can't even touch my rear hooves." Just stretch out and quit complaining, dude."

"I'm 'bout to stretch you out in a minute, girl!" Mac immediately realized his unintended innuendo. He wasn't a self-proclaimed expert on Sigmund Pferd's theories regarding psychosexuality, but that was his very own Pferdian slip if there ever was one. Hopefully, she didn't notice...

"Uhh...I uh...let's just...w-wow. Whatever. That's enough for now, though. Okay. I'll see ya' later, Mac." Nope. She noticed. Her soft, blue cheeks were stained a deep crimson. (Nice goin', dumbass.) Well, maybe she'll forget eventually...

"Alright, then. Good luck to ya', sweetheart. Tell Miss Pie to take it easy."

"Yeah, no prob. I heard she still owes you guys for that barn. How the hell do you even fuck up an entire barn by yourself?"

"You tell me. I saw you demolish one of our old ones with AJ." It had been an amazing sight. Rainbow-colored mushroom cloud and everything.

"Oh, yeah...forgot about that...well, I gotta' head back and take a quick shower. Pinkie'll probably be rollin' around the hospital in one of the wheelchairs by now...playing Wheelchair Demolition Derby. I shoulda' never taught her that game. I feel sorry for Nurse Redheart." Mac chuckled. But didn't he have something to do himself today? Besides plowing? (Oh, yeah...Winona.)

He'd just remembered he had to go pick up Winona from Butterdry...Butterfly...Flitterguy?..whoever the fuck's cottage. The stupid dog had been eating out of the pig trough again. It was no wonder why she'd gotten digestive problems! The vet had pumped her stomach and gave her an antidiarrheal. That alone had cost 200 bits! But the 30 bits needed to pay AJ's shy, little friend was well worth it. She'd take care of Winona until she got over the food poisoning. The last thing the Apples needed was a sick dog shitting and puking all over the farmhouse.

"Okay, then. 'Till next time, Rainbow." He didn't want her to go.

"Bye! Seeya', farmboy!" She took to the sky in a brilliant streak of color.

"Seeya'...flygirl..." He whispered the words. She was too far away to hear him. Too far to reach. To follow.

Several cyan feathers had fallen from where she'd launched into the air. Mac grabbed one of the soft, downy feather with his hoof and examined it. It was lovely...cute...like she was...he put it in his one of his leather pouches. He would keep it to remind him of her...to cheer himself up. He didn't care if it was creepy. But suddenly...Mac became frightened...he realized something: He liked her. Immensely. More than that even. More than anypony he'd ever met. He couldn't tell her, though. He couldn't burden her with his problems. She had enough of her own.

And what if she didn't feel the same way? From some of what he'd heard, she might be "batting for the other team." It would make their newfound friendship uncomfortable. He didn't want to lose her. No matter how he had her...he just wanted to have her. And it would break him. Break him down. (fuck...fuck....FUCK!!!) Break him even more than before. Hurt him. More than he could take. Too much already. He couldn't tell her. Couldn't. Even if she felt the same way...she'd just be miserable with him. He'd ultimately destroy the both of them. He was broken. (Can't...everythin' is just...fucked...) Burned. He would drag her down with him...he would only...he would just...

"...drag her down with me."

Author's Notes:

Mac's updated backstory as a Ranger and his relationship with Honey Cream is somewhat based off my Corporal back on Cp. Schwab. Also, when I was in Thailand, I met a street performer who could smoke cigarettes with his rectum...that's not in any way relevant to the story.

...I just felt like sharing...