Okay… okay… you’re probably safe now. Yeah, that was— OH FUCK!

A thin pink laser beam rips through the thick cloud of fog surrounding you, passing just inches from your body and blasting a small hole in the black and white checkerboard dance floor. You dive and roll away, trying to move deeper into the fog in an attempt to conceal yourself as one of the autonomous smiling flower-themed disco balls eerily floats nearby and searches for signs of life.

Okay, you’re not safe. Not even close.

“Like, quit being so lame and trying to hide, Anon! I totally know you're out there somewhere...”

Fuck, fuck, fuck... this is bad. You're completely separated from the others. Aside from the occasional blue and pink lasers that flash through the darkness, you can't see anything more than two feet in front of your face, and you don't dare call out for fear one of those Disco Smilies will hear and come after you. You're not sure if they can pick up sound and you're not brave enough to find out.

You blindly crawl through the fog as quietly as possible. The nearby Smiley has vanished... looking good so far…

…And then your face smashes into a frizzy pink tail caked with so much hairspray that the smell alone almost causes you to pass out. Its owner turns and reveals a glimmering braces-lined smile.

Yeah, you're dead.

The fog around you retreats a bit and the three flowery Disco Smilies return to their master, orbiting above her in a lazy pattern. Then the music starts again.

The cerise mare seductively adjusts her checkerboard neckerchief and hot pink hoof warmers and trots up to you as the orbiting Disco Smilies begin projecting non-lethal laser patterns in time with the music.

“Like, I've gotten rid of all those butt-ugly bimbettes, Anon. Now it's just you and me on this totally tubular dance floor, and we're gonna DANCE TO THE MAX FOREVER... or else...”

You gulp. “S-Sure thing, babe.”

You can feel your headache building to a crescendo. How the fuck did it come to this?!

You seem to remember stopping by Ponyville Elementary to deliver Applebloom's forgotten lunch bag (again) as a favor for Mac. Upon opening the door, instead of stepping into the schoolhouse interior you were thrust into some kind of bizarre pocket dimension consisting of a dimly lit checkerboard dance floor and huge piles of assorted 80’s memorabilia that seem to extend infinitely into the distance, with everything framed underneath a sunless pitch-black sky.

You promptly NOPE'd and turned around to get the hell outta there but, surprise surprise, the door was gone!

Then the lasers started flying, along with the sound of... pony covers of the 80's greatest dance hits? Yeah, turns out you'd stepped into the middle of a battle between the Elements of Harmony and a Nightmare-awakened spoiled 80's valley girl version of the normally reserved and polite Ms. Cheerilee. Fucking wonderful.

Needless to say, your sudden arrival threw the fight into chaos. Cheerilee, after squealing with delight that 'a stud was finally here', exploited the confusion to activate some sort of cheap fog machine, which quickly blanketed the area in a thick mist that limits both vision and hearing.

The school teacher turned New Wave Filly has been relentlessly stalking you through said fog for the past ten minutes. Looks like she really wanted a stallion as her dance partner, and apparently she'll even take a weird looking monkey from another world as a substitute. Lucky you!

You desperately try to think of a way out of this as she rears up and places a bracelet covered hoof on your chest.

“Like, why so nervous my hunky monkey? Cheeri say relax.” She begins to wiggle her flank in time with the music and you start to spastically dance to avoid pissing her off. Getting a laser up your ass was not on your to-do list today.

As the two of you boogie, your eyes wander to the three floating disco balls producing the dancing lights hovering above you. Together they resemble Cheerilee's three smiling flowers cutie mark. In addition to the mood lighting, each one is capable of producing a powerful destructive laser beam from any angle with almost no charge-up time. From what you've seen so far, she can telepathically move and fire them with pinpoint precision over a very long range, so your odds of escape without the aid of a major distraction are somewhere around zero.

As the jubilant mare before you spins and twirls with glee, you let out a quiet chuckle at the absurdity of it all. The 'perfect expression of her magic', as Moonbutt would put it, is the creation of an alternate retro dimension where she can dance to 80's disco music forever.

Ponies are fuckin' weird, man.

Cheerilee laughs and twirls one last time as the song ends. “Like, that dance was a total fun-o-rama, Anon! One more and maybe I'll let you go... PSYCH! Pwahahahaha!” A new song begins as she laughs.

“Sounds... uh... gnarly?”

“AHEM.”

The sound of another pony clearing her throat directs your attention to none other than Rarity, who's appeared at the edge of the circle of fog which surrounds you. She's wearing a set of retro saddlebags and looks to be barely containing her rage.

“Pardon moi, but did you happen to call me a, what was it, 'butt-ugly bimbette' earlier?”

Cheerilee sneers. “Like, so what if I did? What'cha gonna do about it, yuppie, tell my mom or something?”

Rarity nonchalantly brushes a hoof on her chest. “No, no, nothing like that. I will simply... DESTROY YOU!!”

Her horn glows and a small colorful cube-like object lifts from one of her saddlebags, then launches at high speed straight for Cheerilee's face. You jump back as far as you can from her just to be safe.

“Pwahaha~! As if that'll do anything you stupid wastoid!” One of the disco balls shines, then fires a laser which vaporizes the object before it can even come close to Cheerilee. Holy shit...

“Impressive,” the fashionista hums. “But how many can you handle at once, I wonder?” Her horn shines again and between 10 and 15 of the small objects lift from her saddlebags and hover in the air. As you get a good look at the different colors you realize they're actually pieces from disassembled Rubik's cubes! This just keeps getting weirder and weirder…

You notice Cheerilee looks a bit nervous for a moment, then determined as she stares down the white unicorn.

“Like, bring it on, fugly.”

You could swear you heard Squiggletail’s patience snap in half at that moment. Or maybe that was the sound of her teeth grinding in anger.

What happens next has your jaw on the floor. Rarity, horn blazing, launches a seemingly endless barrage of the cube pieces at the arrogant earth pony. Cheerilee responds by firing lasers from all three disco balls and intercepting each individual piece before it can reach her. There must be 20 or 30 of them being thrown per second and it goes on for a full minute, with not a single shot missed. Damn, how many of Rubik's cubes did she take apart to get so many pieces in the first place?!

Both ponies are sweating as they focus as hard as they can on each shot, trying to find a hole in the other's defense. It’s impressive as hell, but… hey, wait a minute... isn't this the opportunity to escape you were hoping for? Yeah, sure, why not!

But just as you start to slip away, the sound of lasers and explosions abruptly stops. You turn to find Rarity looking frightened and Cheerilee wearing a triumphant grin.

“Like, what's the matter, out of ammo?”

“Yes, it appears so,” the unicorn sighs in defeat. “However, my job here is done.”

Cheerilee's smile falters. “Like... what?”

There's a bright flash and you hear the deafening crack of an explosion just above you. A huge blast of compressed air rips through the endless dance floor, nearly knocking you off your feet and tearing away the rest of the lingering fog to reveal Twilight, Fluttershy, Applejack and Pinkie Pie all nearby.

The shocked 80’s Pone turns to the sky and you do the same just in time to witness a ring of rainbow energy expanding across the pitch black sky just above Cheerilee's Disco Smilies, a multichromatic pegasus' trail leading out of its center as she banks around to join the rest of the Elements.

“It worked! It worked! The rainboom worked just like you said, Twilight!” Pinkie cheers. “The fog's all gone~!”

Purplesmart's horn is shining, but you can't tell what spell she's casting. “Yes, Pinkie, but we don't have much time! Fluttershy, have you found it?!”

“Um… um…” Fluttershy stammers as she hovers in the air, scanning the surroundings. “Um... over there, to the west! I think...”

Twilight beams. “That's it! Pinkie, Applejack, are you ready?”

Pinkie salutes. “Alignment complete! Ready to fire on your orders, cap'n!”

“Ah ain't ready and ah ain't never gonna be ready!” Applejack cries. “Y'all are gonna get me killed!” Huh, looks like she's loaded in the barrel of Pinkie's party cannon for some reason...

“Fire!” On Twilight’s command, Pinkie slams the fire button and Orange Pone goes sailing through the air toward a boxy object in the distance, screaming all the way.

“Ya can all go to Tartarus~~~~!”

“Like, oh no you don't!” Looks like Cheerilee's shock has worn off. She focuses her Disco Smilies on the flailing airborne Applejack and they begin to hum with activity.

“Now, Rainbow!” Twilight cries out.

“This better bucking work!” The pegasus flies directly into the path of the lasers as they fire. Just before they make contact, a pink magical shield surrounds her body, deflecting the beams away. With the shield now in place, she darts around the air, almost faster than you can perceive, safely diverting each beam aimed at Applejack and allowing her safe passage to her destination.

At this point you realize the farmpony is on a collision course with the distant object. It seems like she realizes it too, because at the last second she spins herself around in the air, angling her back hooves Bucky and Kicks directly at the thing to deliver a cannon-powered buck on impact that produces massive explosion complete with a mushroom cloud and everything!

H-Holy shit! Could a pony even survive something like that?!

Your question is answered when Applejack’s silhouette emerges from the flames. She trots forward like a total badass as the flash of the explosion fades and burning debris rains down around her, her Stetson defiantly tilted downward and her trademark country grin highlighted by the fire. The other Elements cheer in triumph, and you even find yourself joining in!

But your short-lived joy is replaced by a sense of foreboding as something seems to shift in the very air around you. The dance music abruptly stops and the tiles on the ground in the distance begin to warp and fall away, the many trinkets and other items tumbling into the abyss along with the dance floor itself. The world is reduced to a single small island floating in the darkness where you all now stand, and cracks begin to appear throughout the sky, threatening to tear the featureless void apart.

Twilight, sweat dripping from her brow, turns to a now extremely pissed off looking Cheerilee as the rest of the ponies move to gather around you. “We've destroyed the jukebox that was the nexus of your magical power...” she gasps. “It’s over… but there's still time for you to surrender...”

The New Wave Filly defiantly stomps her hooves in frustration. “Ugh! Gag me with a spoon! Like, you destroyed my magic jukebox, but so what?! I can still roast you whenever I want~”

“We'll see about that!” Rainbow growls. She confidently charges 80's Pone but quickly receives three laser blasts to the chest which cause the shield surrounding her to flicker and fade to almost nothing. Twilight cries out in pain, the magic around her horn diminishing, and Rainbow wisely chooses to back off.

“Pwahahaha~! Like, you've been keeping that enchantment up and protecting all your friends for the entire fight, dweeb. But it looks like you're totally tapped out now~ and that means I win!”

Twilight falls to her haunches. “No way... even after losing the nexus she still has enough magic to control those orbs... I'm-I'm sorry girls, I messed up...”

The other ponies seem to be at a loss as to what to do. Without Twilight's shield there's no way anyone can approach Cheerilee regardless of their speed. If only there was a way to eliminate those damned Disco Balls!

“Like, get your choice flank over here Anon and dance! Or do you want my light show to focus on your lame friends?”

A new jukebox begins to take form beside her and the sounds of 80's disco resume. To your horror, the cracks in the sky begin to fade away, and there’s no longer any doubt that before long she'll be back to full power!

C'mon, Anon, this is magical horse land! Think outside the box for a minute... what can counter 80's dance music?

As you slowly step toward Cheerilee to buy time, you catch sight of the remnants of the sonic rainboom cascading through this strange 80’s dimension’s pitch black sky...

Oh shit... that's it! You can't believe you didn't realize this before! You stop in your tracks and turn back to your friends.

“Hey Pinkie, do you still have your guitar and amp?”

The pink pony trots up to you and draws her Les Paul from her poofy mane. “Of course Non-non, I'm always prepared! But what're we gonna play?”

“Just follow my lead.” You grab the mic from her as she dons the guitar.

Now's the time to put your faith in whatever crazy magic controls how spontaneous songs work in this universe. You tap the mic with your finger.

“Check, 1, 2.”

Cheerilee smiles in amusement at your actions. “Like, you wanna sing karaoke with me hot stuff? Sounds like fun to me~”

The sounds of the last song fade away. You turn to Pinkie and nod…

1, 2, 3…

And it actually fucking happens. Without a word, she begins playing the song you were thinking of and the universe provides the backing instruments.

You give Cheerilee the best arrogant smirk you can muster and sing the first verse.

“When there's lightning, you know it always brings me down!”

The preppy pony defensively takes a few steps back, a look of disgust on her face. “Like, w-what is this? It's grody! Stop it, Anon!”

Twilight, Rarity and Applejack glance at each other in confusion while Fluttershy begins to emerge from behind her mane. She stares at you and Pinkie as you rock out together, a starstruck look on her face. Rainbow, on the other hand, wears a huge smile. She stands on her hind hooves and starts shredding on an air guitar as you reach the first chorus.

“Y-You dipsticks actually LIKE this music?!” Cheerilee cries. “Barf me out! Like, seriously Anon, STOP!” The Disco Smilies falter in their orbit around her, barely perceptible cracks beginning to form on their surface.

Twilight’s jaw drops. “I... I can't believe it!”

“You thinkin' what ah'm thinkin', girls?” Applejack asks as she pulls the rim of her hat down with a malicious smirk.

The second chorus is fast approaching, and as the music reaches its crescendo Cheerilee turns to the heavens and wails in anguish.

“NOOOOOOOO~!”

“JUST A RAINBOW IN THE DARK!”

When Pinkie starts the guitar solo all three Disco Smilies explode into a shower of countless sparkling fragments. A bunch of stage pyrotechnics also randomly explode all around you because you're fucking awesome.

“Anon, that was amazing!” Twilight exclaims as she and the others run up to you. “How did you know it would work?”

You gaze wistfully at the disco fragments wafting through the air for a few seconds before answering, “80's metal always trumps 80's disco, Twilight. Always.”

Poor Cheerilee is left paralyzed, cowering on the ground with her hooves covering her ears. She cautiously peers up when she realizes the music's stopped...

...only to find six very pissed off Element bearers staring back at her.

“Like, I'm totally gonna get rainbow blasted, aren't I?”

“Of course not, dear,” Rarity whispers as she compassionately pets Cheerilee's mane. “We would never do something so barbaric.”

The cerise pony gives her a hopeful smile.

“...Psych~”

Yeah, she totally got rainbow blasted.

The crazy 80's dimension begins to destabilize as soon as Cheerilee is purged of her Nightmare. You feel a sensation of falling and you black out...

Slowly, you begin to regain consciousness, a distant yet familiar voice beckoning you into the waking world…

“And then, fair Anonymous raised his hands to the sky and cried 'I've had it with you goddamn fucking rapist ponies, do you hear me?! Just because I wear socks all the time does NOT mean I want to fuck you! I'm not going to explain it again!'“ A series of childish giggles reach your ears. “He then proceeded to...”

Wait a minute. WAIT A GODDAMN MINUTE!! You jump up immediately and open your eyes to find...

“LUNA!”

Yep, it's Moonbutt. She's sitting at the lectern at the head of the class wearing reading glasses and holding the diary you sent to Celestia all those months ago in her hoof. The classroom is packed with most of Ponyville's elementary-aged foals, and your outburst has all eyes on you. Several of the foals snicker behind their hooves while Luna looks shocked.

“A-Anonymous?! What are you doing here?” Her eyes narrow. “Did we not tell you during our most recent dream tryst to avoid this place due to the potential emergence of a Nightmare?”

You think back to last night’s dream, the cool night breeze slowly drying the sweat from your skin as you lay with the pretty alicorn on a grassy hill and watch the stars together in the afterglow. Yeah, maybe she did say something like that, but it’s hard to clearly listen to anything when those moony flanks are so tantalizingly close…

With a shake of your head you clear the memory away. It’s not a good idea to get sidetracked when Luna’s in one of these playful moods or else who knows where you’ll end up…

“I had a good reason. But can you explain why you're reading my very private and horrendously inappropriate for minors diary to a bunch of elementary school kids?”

The Princecss levitates her reading glasses off and turns her head in the air. “Learning about the other species, especially those that live alongside them in their own town such as you, is an important aspect of a foal's education. Since there is very little material on humans in the official coursework we had to be creative. We also needed to occupy them while their normal teacher was absent.”

“Yeah, but—”

“Princess Woona?” A colt raises his hoof in the air.

“Yes, Pipsqueak?”

“What do 'fuck' and 'rape' mean? I've never heard those words before.”

Luna shrugs. “They are strange human terms that have yet to be deciphered. Perhaps one day, if we study Anonymous thoroughly enough, their meaning will be known to us.”

“Oh, okay!”

Huh, you forgot that most pony swears are completely different than human swears. With that in mind you suppose the content of your diary isn't that bad, and there's no way these innocent kids have any clue what rape could possibly be anyway. You breathe a sigh of relief. Maybe the younger generation will remain untainted after all.

You glare at Moon Horse and Luna surreptitiously replies with the biggest shit eating grin she can muster without attracting too much attention from the class...

But your silent conversation is interrupted as a wormhole opens just above you and deposits seven little ponies on your noggin, sending you crashing back down to the ground. This prompts a round of giggles from the foals. And Luna. Goddamn Luna.

The students all crowd around their teacher and the Elements as they get their bearings. Applebloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo all seek out their respective big sisters and fawn over them while the entire class hurls questions over one another. Cheerilee, ever the teacher, quickly calms the overexcited foals, and with a glance at the clock she sends them all outside for their overdue recess, leaving the nine of you alone in the schoolhouse. She turns to you and the assembled mares and shows you a genuine smile of appreciation.

“I don't know how to thank you all for what you've done. That... that was a chapter of my life I'd hoped would remain buried. Rarity, Mr Anonymous, all of you... can you ever forgive me?”

Rarity chuckles. “Just promise never to wear those ghastly hoof warmers again and it's water under the bridge, darling.”

“Yeah, don't worry about it,” you add. “That was actually pretty tame compared to what these six normally put me through.”

That prompts a round of laughter and playful banter from the mares.

Cheerilee giggles at your antics. “Well, I should probably go outside to supervise recess. Princess Luna, thank you so much for watching over the class while I was, er, having my episode. It's always a pleasure to have you visit us.”

Luna nods. “The pleasure is ours. The young ones spoke very highly of you. They are most fortunate to have such a caring and dedicated teacher to guide them.”

She blushes slightly, thanks you again and steps outside. The six Elements immediately collapse into a pile as soon as she leaves, groaning with exhaustion.

Luna looks upon them like a proud parent. “Well done, brave ponies, well done! To overcome a Nightmare is no small feat. We are certain it was a victory hard fought and well earned.”

“Yeah, it was. Your teamwork out there was amazing.” You’ve gotta admit, you’re genuinely impressed by how well they worked together on this one.

Fluttershy crawls out of the pony pile to nuzzle against your leg. “No, sweetie, YOU were amazing.”

Twilight sighs. “She's right, Anon. If you hadn't been there she would've beaten us because I miscalculated how much magic she could retain without her nexus. I... I can't afford to make mistakes like that if we might to have to fight another one of these things...”

You turn to Luna, a sour expression on your face. “You obviously knew what was going on here. Why didn't you help them?”

“They must learn to stand on their own, Anonymous. There may come a time when neither we nor Sister will be there when a grave threat to Equestria appears. Though it seems you have a tendency to swoop in and save the day, so perhaps we are unneeded?” There's that mischievous grin again.

“...Don't count on it.” You hand Applebloom's surprisingly still intact lunch to Applejack as she pulls herself to her hooves. “By the way, next time she'll have to go get it herself.”

The farmpony chuckles. “Thank ya kindly. Ah'll make sure she understands what ya went through ta bring this by. Oh, and ah'll let Mac know yer takin' the rest of the day off. Consider it my thanks.” She lovingly brushes her body and tail against your other leg as she heads outside to the playground, much to Fluttershy's chagrin.

The rest of the Elements, all exhausted, say goodbye to one another and begin to head home for some well-deserved R&R. You begin to do the same but find yourself blocked by a rainbow-maned pegasus, her wings drooping.

“A-Anon? I think I'm too wiped out to fly back to my house. Can I crash at your place for a while?”

Well, you don’t see why not. After all she's been through you imagine she's really tired.

“Sure thing, Rainbow. C'mon, let's go and I'll cook you some lunch when we get there.”

That gets a big smile out of her. You continue to the door together when you're stopped again, this time by a pink-maned pegasus.

“Um... I'm too tired to fly too. Can I come with you?”

You give her a deadpan stare. “Your house is on the ground.”

“I'm... too tired to walk all the way.”

“You're walking just fine.”

“It's just the adrenaline.”

“Call a carriage to take you home, then.”

“I don't have any money.”

“I'll lend you some bits.”

“I have an irrational fear of carriages.”

“AJ could probably take you most of the way in the back of her supply cart when she heads back to the farm.”

“I have an irrational fear of supply carts.”

“I saw you pulling one full of bunnies yesterday.”

She cringes and darts her eyes around. “I can't go home. My... my house is being fumigated.”

“Your house is full of insects and animals on purpose, Fluttershy!”

“They're very upset about it.”

Oh for fuck's sake... you cross your arms and frown at the little butter ball. She retreats into her mane and whimpers. “I... I want to go with you because I'm super jealous of Rainbow Dash and I think it'll give me the opportunity to spend time with you and maybe get you to like me and m-maybe increase my collection of... things...”

You rub your temples. At least she was honest about it... eventually...

“Fluttershy, n—”

Your reply is silenced by a pink hoof covering your mouth. Somehow Pink Horse has climbed on your back without you noticing and is now hanging over one shoulder.

“Three or more ponies gathering in a specific place at a specific time?! If I didn't know any better, it sounds like you might be planning something. Some sort of event. C'mon Pinkie Pie, what's the word for it...?”

Oh no. Please god no.

She hops off your shoulder and turns to face the three of you. “Oh yeah, that's right... A PARTY~!” A bunch of streamers and confetti explode from behind her as she stands on her hind hooves, beaming.

“We're not having a party, Pinkie,” you say, trying your best to frown at her.

She sidles up next you with a sly expression. “Of course you're not, Non-non. You can't have a real party without the help of a party expert. That'd be crazy! But luckily I just so happen to know a mare who's willing to lend you a hoof! C'mon, Non-non, Dashie, Fluttershy, let's go! We have decorations and refreshments to buy~!” She grabs a surprised pegasus in each hoof and leaps out the door.

Luna trots up beside you, barely restraining her laughter. “We... believe this situation offers much potential amusement, Anonymous. We shall attend as well~!” In a flash of teleportation magic she's gone.

You pick up a streamer from the floor and tug on it a bit. It snaps in half. Nope, looks like you can't use this to hang yourself. You let out a heavy sigh and walk out the door to meet up with the waving pink pony and disoriented pegasi in the distance.

Night's fallen by the time Pinkie's finished dragging all of you around collecting food and party supplies. If you guys weren't tired enough already, now you really feel like you're gonna crash. Where the hell does this pink menace get her energy?!

After fumbling with your keys for several minutes you unlock your front door, stumble past the threshold and collapse in the entryway. The two exhausted pegasi collapse on top of you while Pinkie just hops over and storms into the living room carrying bags full of stuff.

You notice the Princess of the Night is splayed across your couch and snoozing away. The TV is on and tuned to the cartoon channel, which helps drown out the cute little snoring noises she makes.

“Princess, Princess, wake up! It's party time~!” Pinkie yells as shakes the alicorn awake. When she opens her eyes to see the pink pony's face mere inches from her own she screams and does an admittedly really fucking impressive backflip off the couch.

“Laughter?! You-you nearly frightened us into the grave!”

You pat Luna on the head as you walk past her. “Welcome to my life.”

You, Rainbow and Fluttershy drag yourselves into the living room and have a seat on the now empty couch while Luna's heart rate stabilizes and Pinkie darts around looking for nice places to hang decorations and set up a spread of food.

“We were beginning to think you would not return, Anonymous. Where have you been?”

You grunt and point your thumb at the spastic pink mare running around.

Luna rolls her eyes. “Ah yes, understandable. What festivities does she have planned for us this evening?”

“There's no telling. We bought so many games I lost count. I don't think I have the energy for all this...”

Rainbow leans against your left side and closes her eyes. “Me neither, Anon. Can't we just go to bed?”

You hear Pinkie yell “NOPE!” as she runs around too fast to see.

Fluttershy leans against your right side. “Um, that's a good idea... I'd... really, really, really like to go to bed................w-withyouAnon.”

“Nope,” you instinctively reply as you close your eyes and try to stop yourself from drifting off to sleep, though there's no need as Rainbow's incredibly loud snoring in your left ear quickly jolts you awake.

Your eyes snap open to reveal Pinkie sitting in the middle of the living room with a blank expression on her face. Wait a minute... for all the moving around she's done, nothing's changed...

“Weren't you going to decorate?” you ask.

She smiles. “Nah, I decided instead of having a big party we'll just munch on some food and play cards instead.”

Your hands start shaking. “So... all that running around... all the stuff we bought...”

“Don't worry, it just means we'll be prepared the next time a party situation comes around! Which I'm sure'll be soon!”

You look over to Luna with bloodshot eyes. “You... you heard that. No court in Equestria would convict me, right?”

She giggles. “Were she not an Element of Harmony, then perhaps not. But since that is not the case we must ask you to refrain from murdering Laughter.”

The pink mare sets up a table stocked with snacks and some chairs. She's wearing a dealer's visor and shuffling a deck of cards with way more skill than a creature with hooves should have. “C'mon everypony! Take a seat, grab a snack, and I'll deal you in!”

You all drag yourselves to the table and the cards start flying.

“Pinkie, I really don't know if I'm up for this...” Cyan Pone protests. You reach over and ruffle her mane.

“What, afraid I'll beat ya?”

Heh, there it is! She gets that determined look in her eyes that you love so such. “Ha! You're on, monkey boy!”

“Um... what game are we playing?” Fluttershy asks.

“Poker of course, five-card draw~!” After Pinkie finishes dealing, she reaches into a bag and tosses each player ten wrapped chocolate drops. “We'll use these as chips. You can eat 'em if you want, but that just means you have less to bet with.”

Luna happily flutters her wings. “Huzzah! We are somewhat familiar with this game. It is always great fun!” She tosses a chocolate drop to the middle of the table as an ante as she picks up her cards and the rest of you do the same.

You look at your hand. A pair of queens and assorted other crap. Not bad... you toss another drop in the center. Fluttershy folds immediately, Luna and Dash call, and Pinkie... Pinkie has nine empty wrappers in front of her and chocolate on her face.

She sheepishly smiles. “Whoops. Heh heh. I'm gonna fold so it looks like I'm out.”

A voice somewhere deep inside of you sighs with relief. It's hard to tell, but your gut instincts were telling you that she was the most dangerous player here.

“I'll take two, Pinkie.” You toss two of your cards aside.

She deals two more in return and you nearly shit yourself. You now have three fours in addition to your queens. Full house, baby! You hope you didn't produce any noticeable tells... you try and calm yourself down as Rainbow takes two cards. Surprisingly Luna asks for none.

You raise with another chocolate drop. Dash folds, Luna calls and your smile grows wider. She didn't take any cards... the odds of her beating you are extremely low.

“Full house, read 'em and weep!”

“Most impressive, fair Anonymous. But not impressive enough.” Moon Horse lays down her cards to reveal a straight-goddamn-flush!

“You're telling me you got that on the initial deal?!” you say in disbelief.

She nods as she retrieves her winnings. “'Tis a shame it was not a royal flush, as we are royalty, but it is acceptable.”

Dash snickers, and that puts you over the edge. Okay, you're serious now. She's going down. All the fatigue has left your body as you get into the game.

What follows is the most intense poker match of your life. As expected, Fluttershy is out after 10 hands as she meekly folds at the start every single time. After that the real game begins.

You figure out some of Dash's tells fairly quickly. Most of the time the energetic pegasus twitches her wings with delight when she has a good hand and thrashes her tail when she doesn't. Luna's more difficult. She's the very picture of stoicism. She'd be completely unbeatable were it not for the fact that her bluffing is absolutely terrible. Princess of the Moon? More like Princess of Ham! Here she goes again...

“Oh, woe is us! Truly fate has conspired against us this night! It is as if our cards were selected by our opponents themselves to turn the game in their favor! Is there no hope for Equestria's fair Princess Luna...?”

You slide your cards to the center of the table. “I fold.”

Dash just grunts and tosses her cards away as Luna reveals a flush. “What sorcery is this, Anonymous and Loyalty?! How do you discern the quality of our cards every single time?!”

“I have no idea...” you mutter, dramatically rolling your eyes for the others to see.

Pinkie giggles as she deals the next hand. Soon enough, Luna's terrible bluffs lead to her elimination. The pony princess puffs out her cheeks and sulks in her chair.

“Cheer up, Princess!” Rainbow laughs. “I'll let you play another hand if Anon says its okay.”

Luna perks up. “Truly? But we have nothing remaining to bet.”

“How about this? If you win the next pot you're back in the game, but if you lose, you need to grant a wish to the winner. No bets after the ante, best hand wins. Whaddya think, Anon?”

Your fingers tap on the table a few times as you think it over. You’re not sure this is a good idea, but the barely-restrained shimmer of hope in Luna’s eyes is impossible to deny, and your resistance to the idea is easily crushed.

“Hmmm... all right, it could be interesting. Let's do it!”

Luna smiles. “Though we are not a genie, Loyalty, we find these terms to be acceptable. If the request is within reason, we shall grant it.”

The cards are dealt and you end up with two pair, jacks and sixes. Not bad, but not great. You toss away one card hoping for a full house, but you don't get it. Shit.

Luna takes four and Dash only takes one. “Okay, let's see what you've got!”

You show your cards. “Two pair.”

“We have absolutely nothing.” Luna's ears droop in defeat.

“Ha, YES! I've got a flush! Eat it, Anon!” She does a little dance in the air while you rest your head on your hand with an annoyed look.

Luna sighs. “Well, it appears we are out. What is your wish, Loyalty?” Rainbow stops her midair victory dance and... blushes? Uh oh. She flies over to Luna's ear and whispers something, causing the Princess to giggle in response. “This is acceptable. It shall be done.”

Your internal danger alarm begins wail as Rainbow returns to her seat. “Okay Anon, looks like it's just you and me left. Let's settle this once and for all!” You shake your head and silence the alarm. You're going to need all your concentration in order to beat her...

Fluttershy smiles as she watches Anon from across the table as he laughs and banters with Rainbow Dash. Their game is heating up. He looks so happy...

She hugs the pair of underwear she stole from upstairs just now. Sometimes, when no one's looking, she ducks down and sniffs them.

She folded herself out of the card game quickly, so no one noticed when she slipped away from the table to go hunting. Anon's been hiding his underwear in creative places recently, but Fluttershy always finds them.

And now, with this pair, she has enough to finish that quilt she's been making. A whole quilt made out of Anon's boxers! Now maybe the cold winter nights won't seem so long...

Kindness...

What? A familiar voice in her head... She trembles a little in her chair. That was scary. Maybe she just imagined it.

Our Faithful Knight...

No, it was definitely her. Princess Luna. Fluttershy pulls her eyes away from Anon to focus on the intimidating alicorn. Princess Luna winks at her.

Are you enjoying your evening so far?

She doesn't reply right away. She has to pause first to make sure not to say the words out loud.

It's been... nice. Anon is happy, so I'm happy too.

She fumbles with the underwear she's holding.

If you wish to be near him, why not go sit next to him?

Oh, no, I couldn't. He's having fun with Rainbow Dash right now. I'd just get in the way, or do something silly. I'd... just be a nuisance to him like I always am.

It's weird, but the room starts to fade away. First the sounds, then the house itself, the furniture, the table. Pinkie vanishes, Rainbow Dash vanishes, even Anon vanishes. Only Fluttershy and Luna remain in the darkness.

“Is that what you truly believe, Kindness?” the Princess asks as she trots over to the confused pegasus.

“Um... I... y-yes. Yes, it is. I always do something to push him away. It's always my fault. M-Maybe if I were strong like Applejack or brave like Rainbow Dash or wise like you... maybe things would be different...” The little pony lays down on the vanished ground and sniffles. “But I'm just me. I'm just Fluttershy.”

Luna's wingtip dips under Fluttershy's chin and lifts her head, forcing their eyes to meet.

“And yet, were it not for your strength, bravery and wisdom, Anonymous would not be here today. You are all of these things and more. A pony without these qualities could never be chosen to be our Knight.”

Fluttershy wipes hear tears away with a foreleg. “Thank you, Princess. But even if you see me that way... he doesn't. He never will. It's okay, but... it hurts sometimes.”

Luna smiles. “The day will come when words will fail between you, and your hearts will speak in their stead. And through your heart you will show him who you are, and he will listen, and he will know you. Kindness... trust in us, for this we know to be true.”

Pinkie Pie's laughter pulls Fluttershy's attention away. Her head lifts up from the table. Rainbow Dash is taunting Anon who looks grumpy. She must've won the game.

That's odd, did she fall asleep? It couldn't have been for too long. She giggles. Even when he's grumpy, Anon looks cute.

Fluttershy turns to Princess Luna again, who's now joining in on teasing Anon. They catch one another's eyes from across the room and Luna winks again.

Fluttershy smiles and hugs the underwear a little tighter.

Well, you gave it your best shot but Speedysnooze managed to get her tells under control. Figures. After all the shit talking and promises of revenge are said and done, you manage to get a glimpse of the clock. Damn it's late and tomorrow's a work day. Much to Pinkie's disappointment you decide to wrap up the party.

Pinkie retrieves all her swag and heads home to Sugarcube Corner after waving goodbye. Luna promises to see Fluttershy safely home and the two depart as well.

That just leaves you and Gloaty McGloaterson over here. Thankfully Rainbow can't maintain her smug grin when she's yawning all the time.

“I think it's time we went to bed,” you say, fighting back a yawn of your own.

“Why, I must agree, Anon! The Poker Queen requires her beauty sleep after all~” You flick her in the nose with a finger. “OW! Hey!”

“Snooty little ponies get smacked on their snouts. Now are we doing this thing or what?”

After you ran out of chocolate drops, you made one more bet with Rainbow to try and stay in the game. Needless to say that didn't work out, but things could be worse than being the “royal pillow” you suppose...

You flop on the couch. The pegasus lazily circles in the air, then flops down on top of you. “Ahhhhh~ victory is sweet~” She spreads all her legs and wings out and snuggles you. “You make the best pillow, Anon. Have I ever told you that?”

You resist the urge to scratch her ears. That's NOT happening again!

“Yeah, well, you're not so bad as a blanket, either.”

As you settle in, you begin to reflect on this crazy ass day. You may be exhausted and forced be a prideful pegasus’ pillow for the night, but at least another one of those Nightmares is gone. Three down and maybe one to go, right?

Trying not to think about it, you close your eyes and drift off...

Yeah, okay, this is weird. You're standing in the center of some sort of cloud colosseum at night, wearing your fancy suit no less. The fact that you haven't fallen to your death yet means this is probably a dream, so...

“Luna? Are you here?”

“Nah, it's just me.”

A rainbow-maned pegasus swoops down from the sky and lands before you. She's wearing a cloud-patterned dress colored with the oranges and reds of a sunset which starkly stand out against her cyan coat. Her normally untamed mane and tail are simply combed and styled, the colors within them merging together instead of brightly clashing. Around her neck rests a beautifully intricate ruby pendant.

You're... kinda speechless at the sight. Could this really be her?

“Rainbow...? What's... what's with the getup here?”

She frowns. “What, I'm not allowed to look pretty sometimes?”

“No, no, I'm just... I mean, wow.”

She squeals with joy and spins around for you a few times. “Heh, I look that good huh?”

“Yeah, you look great. Is it really you, though? I mean, are you really here with me in a shared dream, or are you just a figment of my subconscious? No offense but you're not exactly scoring high on the 'stuff the real Dash would do' scale right now.”

She rears up and bops you on the nose. “It's really me, you doofus. This is what I asked Princess Luna for during the poker game.”

“You wanted her to make us meet up in a dream to show off a dress or something? Okay...”

She stomps her hooves. “Anon, how bucking retarded are you?! NO! Just listen...”

She tells you to listen, but then doesn't say anything. You kinda stand there and nervously scratch the back of your neck for a while until you start to hear it.

“What the hell...? Is this some kind of waltz?”

Rainbow nervously trots up to you and bows. “M-May I have this dance, good sir?”

You're completely taken aback. “Uh... Rainbow, I don't really know how to dance.”

“Well, neither do I!” She rears up and places her hooves on your chest. You instinctively take hold of one and place a hand on her neck to stabilize her. “But I figured we can learn together.”

You chuckle. There's just something about that determined look she has that melts your heart.

“Okay, milady, let's dance. At least no one's around to see us mess up.”

She starts laughing. “Anon, if I was worried about ponies watching me mess stuff up I could never get through my stunt practice every day. Who cares what they think? As long as you're having fun, that's all that matters.”

You both immediately try to lead, resulting in a trainwreck of human limbs and hooves, and a giggle fit from both of you as you pick yourselves back up.

“Let me lead. I won't go too fast, I promise.”

She scoffs. “Fine. But worry about going too slow, not too fast.”

Dancing with a pony is a unique proposition. Since Rainbow's not used to being on two legs, her sense of balance is completely thrown off and she has to totally rely on you to maintain stability. Any time she tips too far in one direction she flares and flaps her wings to try and regain equilibrium, but the power behind it usually does more harm than good. The two of you find yourselves thrown to the fluffy floor of the colosseum more than a few times.

Even on her hind legs, she can't really place her head on your shoulder, so instead she leans into your chest and listens to your heartbeat. After the two of you actually work out a rhythm together, it becomes a surprisingly intimate experience.

Time loses meaning as you slowly move with the music. Rainbow is... god, it's really tough to say. It's like with each step you take together, another piece of her finds a place in your heart. Her laugh, her smile, her scratchy voice, the way she snores... you suddenly find yourself yearning for them. You're actually starting to get scared.

But a sniffling from your chest suddenly catches your attention. You look down and Rainbow is crying. You stop moving and hold her steady.

“Rainbow, are you alright?”

She looks up at you with those deep magenta eyes. “Sorry, it's just... almost every stallion I've ever known has made fun of me... told me my dreams were worthless and a waste of time. But you, Anon, you just…”

You feel her lean into you even harder as she shudders with a few deep breaths. “I guess… I guess I wanna say thanks. Thanks for making this dream come true for me. I kinda... well, I dropped out of flight school, so I never really got to do this with anypony. I... never thought I needed mushy stuff like this anyway so it was no big deal, but then I started dreaming about yo- er, it, and then I got Luna to make that bet and then—”

You give her a reassuring hug. “Hey, hey. It's okay, Rainbow. If you wanted to do this all you had to do was ask. I'll be happy to dance with you anytime, and it doesn't have to be in a dream, either.”

“R-Really?!” That was the end of it. She flaps once and leaps into your arms, sending you falling down onto the cloud floor again. “Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou~!”

And before you know it she's kissing you as the moon shines above.

It's a dream, so it doesn't count, right? Right?

At least that's what you keep telling yourself as you kiss her back.

Princess Luna turns away from the scene below and departs from her perch on the upper levels of the colosseum, a subtle smile on her face. In a flash of her dream magic she's returned to her physical body resting on Canterlot Castle's private balcony where her elder sister awaits.

The white alicorn turns and looks across the countryside. “Ah, Luna, you've returned. Were you able to locate the bearer of the final Nightmare?”

Luna nods. “We have, Sister.”

“And? Will we be sufficiently prepared? Will the Elements be able to triumph?”

The younger Princess looks away in uncertainty. “It is difficult to say. It will be the greatest challenge we have faced in recent memory. But should the worst happen, and should they fail, we believe there will still be a path to victory. We have tried our very best to ensure it.”

Celestia wraps a comforting wing around Luna and pulls her close. “Then all we can do is place our trust in them and hope our efforts were enough, Lulu.”

Luna sighs. “Indeed.”