I couldn't stop the tears from running down the side of my face as I look down to the journal Twilight gave me. She told me that writing my feelings down can help easy whatever pain I was currently feeling. I lift the quill up into my hand as I start to write.

I clench my fist angrily, snapping the quill within my grasp. I quickly throw my arms across the table, tossing everything to the floor in a heap as I just hold my head against the table. The tears burn as much as my heart as I think of that fateful day. It was the day I asked Rainbow out and she told me something that shattered the world around me.

---

“It was pretty sweet that Twilight could do this.” I admit to Rainbow as I walk around her house.

“Yeah! I mean now you can see how awesome my home is!” She says from inside of her bedroom.

“So what’re we going to do?” I ask feeling slightly nervous.

There was a reason I was feeling very nervous today. Rainbow and I have been together a lot lately. For the past few weeks we have been spending a lot of time together actually. I can't stop this feeling inside of me right now. I wanted something more from our friendship. I wanted Rainbow to be mine as I would be hers. To share a life together and be a couple. I never felt like this for another pony before but I can feel it now. I wanted this more than anything else in life.

I will admit that I am really nervous right now though. I mean, who wouldn't be nervous? Everyone is nervous the first time they ask someone out. It was going to be simple though. Just ask her out. We are close, talk about some heavy stuff. There is no need to hide my feelings from her, not anymore.

“Hey, you doing alright Anon?”

I shake my head from the haze of thought as I look to see Rainbow flying in front of my face. Her look of concern was back. I can't help but quickly look away from her eyes. Dammit Anon, just.. do it!

“T-There was-s something I want-ted to talk to you a-about.” I stutter nervously.

She gets serious as she points to one of her couches.

“Please, sit.” She says..

I nod as I take my seat, her joining next to me.

“Whatever it is, it must be pretty important.” She says looking worried now.

I was trembling slightly. So many thoughts running through my mind. J-Just do it! I steel myself over as I quickly make my move. I lean over to Rainbow and plant a simple kiss on her lips. I see her eyes go wide as she quickly pulls her face away.

“A-Anon! W-wha?”

She wasn't sure what to say and I wasn't sure how to gauge her reaction. Was she mad? Was I too quick or did she not like me too? I couldn't tear my eyes away from her as I try to talk.

“I-I..um.. I like you a-and I thought maybe we could..” I gulp. “Go out?”

Her eyes seem to go unfocused for a moment as she tries to piece together everything I just said.

“You’re serious?” She asks not showing much emotion other than shock.

I give a slight nod. “I-I think.. I mean.. Yeah.”

I felt myself breaking down slowly at her continued shock. Maybe this wasn't a good idea afterall.

“D-dude.. I-.. Theres something I.. I should tell you.” She takes a few breaths. “T-this is serious though Anon.. You can't tell a soul this.”

The look she gave me was one of desperation. I could feel the weight of her words as she looked at me. I give her a nod to continue.

“Anon.. I-I like mares.” She admits.

In that second I felt my skin go numb. I-I can't believe this.. How did I not see it before? That way she looked at other mares. How she talked about the figures of other mares. I thought she was just trying to make me feel weird but now.. Now I realise she wasn't kidding.

I put a hand to my mouth as I feel myself about to puke. “I-I think I need some air.”

I quickly get up and walk out of her home. I just stand there at the edge of the clouds as I try to keep my stomach from spilling. I-I can't believe this is happening to me right now. So many things running rampant within my mind took over me at this moment. I felt numb to the world. This wasn't what I expected at all.

“Anon..” I don't turn around as the sound of someone approaching me becomes louder. “Anon, please say something.”

I finally remove my hand from my mouth after having settled my stomach.

“I can't believe I was so stupid.” I say under my breath. I start to chuckle sadly. “It was right there in my face all along and I.. I didn't notice.”

“Anon, it's alright..”

She tries to speak softly but I was stuck in my own world.

“I can't believe I just did this.. ” I felt the memories flash back. “I can't believe this right now. A-Am I dreaming?”

“Just come inside and we can talk about this.” Rainbow urges.

“Why didn't I see it?” I mumble. “Was I just hoping it wasn't true?” I let out a sigh. “Why can't I just go back..”

I slowly take a seat on the edge of the cloud as I put my face into my hands. Trying my best to calm down. I can feel something lay itself on my shoulder.

“A-Anon, please talk to me.”

I look over my shoulder to see Rainbow looking at me with tears in her eyes.

“I need some time alone.” I say simple enough.

I get up once more as I walk towards the cloud stairs Rainbow made me just before I arrived. I honestly didn't care if I fell off them as I sped down to the earth below. I needed to get as far away from Rainbow as I could. I can’t even stand the thought of being near her right now.

---

I quickly pick my head up from my resting place on the desk as I look down to the journal. I reach over and bring it up to me once again as I also retrieve the quill. I take a few sniffs as I write down what was on my mind. I drop the quill and look it over. It was as good as I could make it considering the circumstances. It had only been a week or so since that realization had happened. The days following still tear at my heart.

---

I had been hiding away from the world. I just wanted to be left alone. I know my “friends” haven't noticed my absence yet. I can't only assume that Rainbow has either been keeping it to herself or they have been giving me my space. I’m not sure but I don't care anymore. I just laid on my couch in the darkness of my home and looked into the abyss. It never helped to calm my mind. Nothing did to be honest.

I lift the bottle of hard apple cider to my lips and take a long pull. Not even this drink helped the pain. It was an ever constant in my soul. Rainbow was everything to me and, and now I know that what I wished for could never be. Do I hate her? Do I still love her? These question are forever carved into my thoughts. Never to be answered. A slow sinking feeling like quicksand. The more I think the more I drown.

As the sun slowly fell from the sky and the darkness grew evermore. All I could do was drown myself in the sorrow of my thoughts. Crying myself to sleep at the love that was never meant for my heart.

---

Yesterday a few ponies had come knocking on my door. I didn't answer them. I think the only pony I seen this entire week was Applejack. I just stopped by her stale to get more hard apple cider. She tried to ask me what was wrong but I refused to talk about it. She decided to refuse my business. I will admit that I yelled at her to lay off what I do with my life and she cowered at the hate I gave off from my very being.

In the end though her refusal didn't stop me one bit. I just went to Berry Punch and bought her fine choice of ethanol. Let me tell you that she practically mixes paint thinner into her drinks. It had a nice burn that temporarily healed my aching wounds. Though it never lasted long, which probably means I wasn't drinking enough.

“Anon!” I hear someone knocking on the door. “I know you're in there!”

Sounds like Twilight. She sounds rather concerned. Then again why wouldn't she be concerned? I’m just another projects to her. A simple thing to take care of to get on the good side of her princess. Honestly these ponies are just as selfish as humans ever were.

“Please open up and talk to us.” I hear her continue.

I just remain silent to all the please they give. I know that eventually they will leave. I let out another sigh as I bring up Berry’s famous paint thinner. The warmth it brought me was the only thing I could feel right now. I let out a satisfied sigh as I drop the bottle.

“A-Anon..”

I hear another voice call from the door. I could feel a grip on my heart. It was Rainbow.

“Anon, I’m so sorry. P-Please talk to me.”

Every word she spoke was like a knife to the heart. I take the pillow I have been using from my couch and wrap it around my head. Desperately attempting to drown out her voice. I didn't want to hear her, see her. I just wanted to be left alone! I hear a thump against my door as the sound of crying could be heard. I clench my teeth harder as I slowly rock back and forth.

“Maybe we should go.” I hear Twilight's voice.

“We can't just leave him alone in there Twi. I seen ‘im buy bottles after bottles of booze from Berry. I ain't talkin ‘er wine either. He got the hard stuff.” I hear Applejack plead.

“There’s nothing we can do.” Twilight lets out a sigh. “We can try again tomorrow.”

I hear them all relent as the sounds of their hooves walking away come gently into my home. Soon I was just left alone to my thoughts again. They were getting more frequent with their visits. Why can't they just leave me alone. Twilight even tried to slip a stupid journal in thru my mailslot. A note was on it saying that if I couldn't talk about my problems then maybe writing them out would make me feel better. I still haven't touch the thing from where I left it on the floor.

---

“Anon open this door!”

I hear Rainbow pounding on my door with all her force. I just sat in upon my couch as I always have. I could hear the anger in her voice as it mixed with a slight desperation. I wasn't going to answer it. I never wanted to see these ponies again. They don't understand what pain is. How could they? Their world is just filled with magical lollipops and unicorns. They could never understand what I’m going through.

“Please!” I hear her breaking down as she bangs on the door.. “Please, please, please, let me in!”

I can feel the tears building in me as I quickly lift my bottle of booze. When the fire of relief doesn't come do I feel my anger explode.

“Leave me alone!” I yell as I toss the empty bottle at the door.

The glass shatters on impact. Everything goes eerily silent after I did that. All I can hear is the sound of hiccups coming from beyond my door. Then the sound stopped.

“I’m sorry.” I hear from Rainbow.

I can't help but feel a sneer grow onto my face.

“No you’re not.” I mutter to myself. “Not yet at least.”

---

The darkness of my home was the only friend I had left. I look to the journal that sat upon my desk. Honestly I don't want to be here anymore. I have no one to talk to. None of these ponies care about me. What was I to suspect when I was the only monster in this place? They ignored me. Feared me. Treated me like I was an animal. Then when I found someone, somepony that I truly loved.. She destroyed the little hope I had left.

It was still early. I knew that there was one last thing I wanted to do right now. I stood onto the chair next to my journal as I look out the tall window. Slowly the sun peeked out it's first rays of light onto the world. I could feel my tears flowing freely as the memories flooded my heart with so much pain.

“How about we just enjoy the sunset?” Rainbow asks as she looks over the lake. “I love to watch it to be honest.”

I was openly weeping now as all I can think about in the end is her. I take a long and deep breath as I allow myself to fall into my final thoughts.

“Skittles?” Rainbow repeats the name confused. “What does that mean?”

I just grin at her more. “Wouldn’t you like to know.”

I see her get up and take a attack stance.

“Tell me!”

“Never!”

With that does she lunge at me and tackle me to the ground. I quickly wrap my arms around her and throw her off as we both stare each other down. Soon though our standoff ends with us both laughing out loud.

“You should’ve seen your face!” She says.

“My face?! What about yours when I wrapped my arms around you? You looked like a deer in the headlights!” I say between chuckles.

Soon our laughter died down as we both returned to looking at the sun.

“Seriously though, that better not be an insult.” She says while the sun hits it's twilight phase.

I shake my head never looking away from the horizon. “Nah, their sweet.” I then look at her. “Just like you.”

That was all I needed as I quickly kick the chair away from me.

---

Rainbow Dash has had enough of these games. She quickly trotted up to Anon’s door and kicked it open with a strong buck of her legs.

“Anon!”

She looks around and could only see the darkness around. Moving through the house she could see that it was in a terrible state. She continued to work her way around looking for him. She knew he wasn't in the market because no pony has seen him around still. Going up to his room she could see his door was closed.

“Anon!” She calls as she taps on the door.

When she doesn't hear his answer does she give another buck to the door. As she turns around to search for him does she spot something that causes her breath to catch. A long shadow hanging from the ceiling as it swayed gently back and forth. Only the few rays of sun filtering over the body. She denied what was before her and yet couldn't betray what her eyes saw. It was when it all settled it, that was when she screamed. The sound was so raw, so blood curtling that everypony in Equestria felt their hearts freeze.

Soon Rainbow’s friends came running to the scream. When they saw that Rainbow was sitting outside of Anons home crying her eyes out, they knew something terrible had happened.

“What’s going on here?!” Applejack runs up to Rainbow.

“A-A..” Rainbow tried to speak but started to cry out in agony.

“Wait here girls.” Twilight says as she decides to investigate what has Rainbow in such a state.

When she walks into Anon’s room everything soon becomes clear as her heart freezes some. She hesitantly walks closer to the limp body of Anon as he continues to sway in place. The pace of her breaths had quickened as if this was just a terrible dream. There was no way that this was happening. She uses her magic to quickly pull him down and lay him onto the bed. She could feel herself becoming sick as she knew that this was all too real.

She quickly turns away from the body as the tears fall. How could this have happened? He was just fine a week ago and after visiting Rainbow it just suddenly got worse. Rainbow never told them what had happened and why Anon had changed but they were sure that it was something that would blow over. She clenches her eyes tight as more fresh tears fall from her eyes. He was alive and now.. now..

When Twilight opens her eyes she spots the journal she left him all those weeks ago. Maybe this would at least answer what had brought Anon to do such a thing. She quickly flips through the pages and finds them all to be empty. That was until she goes to the first page. There was a large ink blot smeared across it, leaving whatever he wrote destroyed. All that was left were a few words.

It’s time to wake up.