The Reason Luna isn't allowed Coffee

by CrypticMetaphor

Chapter 1: CoffeeZilla

The barista in the white and dark emerald green apron examined the cups name and squinted in surprise. Looking up she was met by the warm smile of the resident monarch of the sun, nodding in confirmation, the barista went about filling Celestia’s order. After adding the finishing touches on the small paper mug, she smiled happily as it was placed before the monarch.

“One tall caramel macchiato with a shot of espresso for one,” she smiled at Celestia, “Princess Celestia.”

Celestia smiled and took the drink, “Thank you very much for your excellent service my little pony.”

Celestia then casually strode onto the street with a beaming smile as she sipped her beverage. She smiled and hummed happily as the warm elixir slithered down her throat; it warmed her stomach greatly and gave her a slight zing in her step. Each sip brought the same feeling to the now fully awake and content princess; she approached the palace doors and reflected on the previous night’s events. For once in a long while at Luna’s insistence, they held a royal kegger party. Only close friends of the royal family and fellow royals received invitation, Twilight however had to turn it down due to it being too last moment. The night had been one of much entertainment, Mead Bombs, gel shots, and Luna in corset dancing in a most unprofessional manner to a song by Deaf Leopard. One thing was for sure, the male attendees made it rain only further encouraging her.

Celestia chuckled as she walked into the main hall to see Luna with an ice pack pressed to her head, “Good morning sister.”

Luna mumbled incoherently as she drank a glass of water with tablets in it.

“You know, I never knew you were so,” she took a sip of her drink as she smirked at her little sister, “flexible.”

Luna groaned as she rubbed her temples, “Please don’t remind me,” she flinched in pain, “How do you get over these hangovers so well?”

Celestia raised an eyebrow at the question, “Years of dealing with the pain, moderation,” she waved the cup, “and some mild assistance.”

“Ah yes,” Luna glanced at the cup, “The elixir known as coffee. Is it really as good as you and the other ponies say?”

A group of royal guards walked by sipping their own drinks as Celestia waved her hoof, “Luna, you speak as if everypony but you drink coffee.”

Luna glared as the local mailmare zipped past the window wearing a coffee mug hat sipping through straws, “Noooooo, what would give you that idea?”

Celestia was both shocked and confounded, “You mean to tell me that during your return,” she sipped her coffee, “That you never bothered to purchase even a small cup?”

Luna rolled her eyes, “I never saw a need to,” she then flinched as she sat up, “Besides, and I am not one to follow fads.”

A lunar guard then wheeled in a massive crate that held golden scepters with Luna’s face on it, “Your shipment of-“

The guard and crate were rudely shoved out by a blast of the Lunar Princesses magic.

Celestia only chuckled, “So…not one for fads?”

Luna pouted as she sipped her fizzy water, “Be quiet.”

Celestia sighed, “Why don’t you go down and get a cup,” she smiled as her sister perked up, “I’ll cover things here until you get back.”

Luna glanced to her sister, “Really?”

Celestia nodded, “Just go down the street, there is literally a StarBuck on each corner.”

Luna squee’d and trotted happily from the throne room and out the door.


Luna soon found herself in the shop staring at the mug before her. Within it laid the brew she had ordered, something called Espresso. She had liked the sound of it and knew it would be fantastic for her first drink of the substance known as coffee. She sniffed it a few times and raised an eyebrow at it. He tongue dipped into it and recoiled into her mouth as she puckered her lips slightly in surprise at the flavour. She then steeled herself and downed the whole cup in one gulp; she sat there for a moment speechless. Then the drink known as Espresso worked its magic, the ends of her hooves tingled as her nerves became active. She trembled slightly at the sensation as it ripped through her being like an oddly pleasant lightning bolt. Her pupils dilated as the patrons watched their princess with bated breath; would she hate their well-loved beverage?

“This drink….,” Luna smiled widely, “I like it,” she then slammed her hoof down as her heart beat with boosted power, “ANOTHER!!!”

The barista more than happily obliged. But was blissfully unaware of what would transpire.


“When did she return?”

Corporal Glimmer cleared his throat, “A few hours ago your highness, Princess Luna requested that she be left alone while she does as she said,” they heard the sound of giddy laughter from within Luna’s chambers while he air quoted, “Princess Biz.”

Celestia shook her head as she dismissed the captain. Opening the door she stood in a stupefied trance. Scrawled on the walls were words, equations, even star patterns and charts. Luna was writing busily down on a scroll as she zipped from one scrawl to the next, giggling uncontrollably. Celestia stepped forward and glanced down noticing the remains of various paper cups.

Luna turned her head, “SISTER!”

Celestia cringed slightly, Luna’s mane and tail were messy and her eyes dilated to the point of her irises being rings of blue around black holes. The grin she wore was equally unsettling, wide and toothy which bled crazy.

“I’msogladyou’rehere,” Luna landed and started pacing around looking at various post-it notes on the lower sections of the walls speaking in fast forward, “Sister,haveyoueverhadasongstuckinyourheadandnomatterhowhardyoutryitrepeatsoverandoverandoverandoverandoverandover,” she hopped into a chair and spun around in it still ranting, “overandoverandoveragain?”

Celestia levitated one of the cups to her nose and sniffed, “Luna….how many cups of,” she widened her eyes at what the contents had been, “Espresso have you had?”

Luna smiled her smile, “NotsurelostcountbutIamsureI’minthelowhundreds.”

Celestia glanced at the scrawling, “What is all of this?”

Luna smooshed her sisters cheeks together as her speaking went back to normal but maintained its manic tone, “The answer to life’s greatest question, what is the meaning of it all?! I’ll tell you,” Luna flew up to various words, “I realized this when I was able to look beyond the regular spectrum, to see into the realm of ALL things! The answer is so simple!”

She flew down fast and smashed into a pile of loose paper and slowly raised her head out of it glancing around suspiciously, “The Nerplumps, they know too, they want to steal it from me,” she wagged a hoof at a now fearful Celestia, “BUT OH I’M ON TO THEM!!!”

Luna then slowly picked up a quil and placed it on the table, “You see it’s a matter of knowning the right angles,” she twitched massively then spoke in a deadpan, “Did you know Cheerilee, Madam Mayor both sound like you?”

Celestia placed a hoof on her sister’s shoulder, “I THINK you need to have some water.”

Luna smacked her hoof away and hopped on the desk and proclaimed, “I AM THE PRINCESS OF THE NIGHT AND DANCE,” she started doing a twitch filled jig then froze in mid step, “Now watch the quill, I nudge it ever so slightly,” she then whispered in a scared hush, “and I can blow this entire city to smithereens.”

Celestia was now more confused than ever, “But I thought the quill was the answer to question of life?”

Luna pointed at her, “That’s what I wanted you to think,” she then bent down to stare at eye level with the quill, “Now I must lick the quill to the side.”

Luna’s tongue then slithered out and flicked the quill to the side.

What transpired next happened so quickly none were prepared for it, a massive explosion of blue engulfed the city and wrecked every building. Luna emerged from the rubble and gazed around with her manic grin.

“Sister, I feel like I can fly!”

Celestia glared at her little sister, “Decaf….you’re drinking decaf from now on.”

Author's Notes:

Just a little giddy i made, enjoy and don't drink a lot of coffee

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