Balance: A Dislestia Tale

by kildeez

Chapter 1: In the Beginning, There Was Discord

Chaos is a wonderful and beautiful thing. Don’t let anyone tell you different.

As I stand over the giant stack of Belgian waffles that used to be Canterlot castle, I grin and throw back my head, allowing a rain of chocolate milk to soak into my mane from the mustard-yellow clouds that fill the sky. Behind me, the Buffalo Ballet Brigade pirouettes by, completely oblivious to the gray, mooing herd of ponies grazing on lavender polka-dotted grass. One of them moos particularly loudly and farts out an egg, which promptly hatches into a tweeting kitten with wings. It’s WONDERFUL! Look at this! How could anybody ever think this was something to fear? That the checkerboard cornfields and the lollipop forests and the candy-coated chickens were something to fight? Me, I think it’s just a matter of misunderstanding. That’s why I’ve made it my life’s duty to spread as much of this beautiful chaos as I can to every world possible!

“Nothin’ like a fine day’s work, laddie!” I shout while donning a kilt and beret. Pulling a pair of bagpipes out of thin air, I play a soothing tune in the form of Beethoven’s Fourth, and a pack of reindeer pulling a 1993 Buick Roadmaster sedan slams into the ground by my feet, kicking up a cloud of dust.

“Hello boys, good to see you again!” I coo, the deer barking happily as I approach my chariot and pat each one on the head in turn. “Hello again, Donnie, Stupid, Knitzen, Jennifer, and…oi! Adolph! Whoever you’re doing that with, cut it out! There’s kids watching!”

The deer’s eyes grow wide and he looks back at me sheepishly, pulling himself off another one of my latest additions: another buck named William. My mouth forms into a little “oh” look, but then I just smile and shrug. After all, who the hell am I to judge? “Well you two, I’m glad you’ve found love, though I wish you’d been a bit more open with me about your…preferences. Anyway, I support your lifestyle choices, and if you ever wanna get hitched, you should know that I look fantastic in a bridesmaid’s dress.”

Both deer yip happily and set to licking my face. “Oi! Seriously, save some of that for each other!” I yell, smiling as both deer get back into their place in line, panting with wide smiles on their faces. I smile and shake my head as my snake-like body coils in through the driver’s side window. Yes, it’s been another glorious day, and it’s not over yet. Why, I can probably make it to the Sontaran homeworld by sundown if I hurry!

“On Basher! On Stupid! On Jennifer!” I yell, cracking a licorice whip out the window and preparing to hop right back into the nether. “We have things to see, people to do, and we gotta be in Jackson, Mississippi by tomorrow, y’heah?”

They bark happily as the Buick lifts up into the sky with a tingle of Christmas bells. I lean back in my seat and relax, ready for a nice, chaotic trip to wherever the solar winds take me. Then, a voice cuts into my skull, forcing me to crack open a mismatched eye: “Discord!”

A smile cracks my lips. “Why, Princess! What a pleasant surprise!” I say, snapping my fingers and causing the Buick and reindeer to disappear. I gently waft back down to the ground, landing in the mud by the little pony princess’ ever-so-perfectly maintained golden boots. “I see you’ve finally worked up the courage to stop by your palace again!”

Princess Celestia stares aghast at the massive stack of breakfast treats where her pretty little castle is supposed to be, holding her sister close in her hooves. “Wha-what have you done to Canterlot!?” She gasps.

“Do you like it?” I ask, jumping up and down hopefully. “I worked ever so hard on it! After you two left without so much as a goodbye (very rude, I might add), I started to wonder if perhaps I’d done something wrong!”

“We just wished to check up on our citizens and keep their hopes up,” the little night-blue alicorn in Celestia’s hooves whimpers, obviously on the verge of tears. Aww, de poor widdle Awicorn Pwincess.

“And we didn’t leave: you chased us out with a nest of bees!” Celestia bellows accusingly, staring defiantly up at me. Oh, she is just so ADORABLE when she’s trying to look threatening!

“Oh pish-posh, you two! What’s a few bees between friends?” I ask, smiling mischievously as a cloud of hornets materializes behind me. Luna cowers and buries her face in her sister’s chest while Celestia keeps that defiant glare on me. So adorable. “Anyway, after you two decided to take your little soiree, I figured I should spice this place up, whaddya think?”

“Wh-why did you do this? How did you do this!?” Celestia asks, unable to keep the fear completely out of her voice as she looks over at Belgian Waffle Canterlot.

“Well, it started with a throw rug here, some new curtains there, and then I got hungry and BAM! Breakfast time!” I laugh, taking off into the sky as an explosion of maple syrup erupts behind me.

“Th-this is over Discord! Your reign of terror is over!” Celestia barks.

“Oh, and I suppose you are supposed to stop me?” I ask, hovering down in front of her face and pinching her cheek in my claw. “How cute. Welp, good luck with that.” I make to stroll off into the forest, though really I’m just looking for a decent place to take off into the nether from. I don’t want to make it look like I’m fleeing her, heavens no! Could you imagine the embarrassment!? No, this is just my last hurrah before I leave: something for the ponies to remember me by as I spread chaos to other worlds. Maybe a chocolate milk tidal wave? No, too predictable still. Perhaps…

“Discord!” She barks again. I roll my eyes and turn to find the Princesses standing ready, though Luna is still trembling in her pretty little pony princess slippers. However, this time they’re surrounded by six jewels hovering in mid-air, suspended by the sheer force of magic circulating through them. I arch an eyebrow. Not a bad display, for a couple of pwetty widdle ponies.

“Oh, cute,” I mutter. “What is this? A fashion show?”

“No! These are the Elements of Harmony! Now, Luna!” Celestia bellows, nudging her sister. Nodding fearfully, the smaller Alicorn closes her eyes and three of the gems sparkle. Celestia follows suit, and the remaining three jewels glow with power, a force of magic building up within them. “You see Discord; we have the power of Friendship and Harmony on our side! Kindness to stay thy hoof!” The pink gem flares.

“G-generosity to help others!” Luna screams, still unsure as the blue gem ignites.

“Loyalty to…”

Annnnnd that’s where I tune them out. Holy crap, really? The power of Friendship and Harmony? They’re joking, right? I’d be laughing if it wasn’t so unbelievably adorable. As it is, I can’t decide whether to laugh, roll my eyes, puke, or pull them both in for snuggles. Y’know what? This is just too cute. When whatever this is fails, I’m giving them a hug. It looks like they tried really hard this time, so it’s not like they wouldn’t deserve it.

“…and Magic makes it all complete!” Celestia completes her little chant, the last jewel sparkling with power. The world slides back into focus as I realize I just daydreamed right through whatever magic ritual the Princesses were trying to pull! Oh well, it’s not like it could be that important. I don’t even raise my hands to defend myself as the Princesses’ eyes glow with power and a burst of magic careens from their bodies and into mine, encasing me in a tornado of pure energy. I gasp and shiver: the power is incredible, far more than I thought possible on this little plane of existence! This is actually mildly impressive! I would applaud if it weren’t for the magic tearing at my arms. I feel them stiffen up, and look down to the stone encasing them.

“Transmutation magic, very good! That’s definitely not something I’d be familiar with!” I laugh mockingly, flicking my tail to transform a beetle skittering by into a small, chocolate rose.

“Silence!” Celestia yells. I arch an eyebrow: quite a bit of bravery in that one. I could admire someone like that. You know, if she didn’t look like a plushie toy. She turns to her sister, now looking quite a bit surer of herself. “Okay Luna, let’s finish this!”

The Princess of Night nods and the two focus all their remaining magic on me. I laugh jovially as the stone finishes encasing my body, my laughter echoing off into the heavens before being abruptly cut-off by the stone. The Alicorns drop to the ground, panting.

“Is it…?” Luna asks.

“Yes, sister: it is over,” Celestia smiles and scoops up the stones from where they landed. “Discord’s reign of terror is finally over.”

“Look!” The little princess points, and the pair watch as the pile of waffles slowly morphs back into the familiar shape of Canterlot castle, smiles spreading across their faces as from there, the world returns to its normal, boring form, the beautiful checkerboard fields and yellow clouds fading away. Smiling happily, the pair set off to reclaim their thrones, surely hoping to rule over a thousand years of peace and harmony and bleh blah blah bleh blah…

What a boringly happy ending for this little story. The so-called “good” guys win, and the big, mean ol’ draconequus gets locked up in stone. How predictable. Oh well, I guess all good things have to come to an end. Besides, I’ve already given this world its own little taste of chaos; it was time to move on anyway. I think I’ll leave the shattered rock here as a message, or maybe leave an actual message for the Princesses carved in the ground. Something creepy, like “I’ll be seeing you !” Make it like the ending to those wonderful little horror movies the humans love so much: the killer is STILL ALIVE! Dun-dun-dunnnnnn!

I flex my eagle claw to shatter the stone. Nothing happens. I frown, it seems as though the enchantments in place here are a bit stronger than I thought they would be. I work my arms and legs, trying to physically crack the stone with my own body. I may not be known for my strength, but I’m no lightweight. I’ve engaged in fisticuffs with some pretty heavy hitters before, I’ll have you all know! So without futher ado…hnngh.



Okay, so that didn’t work. My frown deepens; this is starting to get very annoying. Alright, if the stone won’t yield to physical means, surely it will buckle after it’s turned into milk chocolate! I prep my magic, letting it cycle up around me and flow into the stone, willing it to be chocolate. The stone absorbs my power like a sponge.

That’s when it hits me: the Elements of Harmony were far more powerful than I could have ever guessed. They actually succeeded where dozens of worlds failed! They managed to trap me! For now, at least, there is no way for my physical body to ever get out of this stuff! I am really and actually trapped in here!

“Oh, arse,” I mutter.


A thousand years later, and I still think she’s cute. Granted, in that mature sort of way, you know what I mean: you see a girl, you think ‘oh hey, she’s pretty cute, I think I’ll get her number.’ That sort of cute. And yet, she has this incredible beauty to her too. Oi! I can see you staring at me sideways, but don’t! You wouldn’t understand: you’ve only seen Celestia the royal Princess. I’ve seen Celestia the mare who looks up into the moon at night and cries to herself out of pain and loss from the pain and loss of a few millennia of experience. Wait. That sounds weird, that I could find myself attracted to that. Oh, whatever! You bitches are way too judgmental! It’s this down-to-earth side of her that I’ve seen, alright!? I find it attractive! Cripes…

Anywho, I hafta say right now, she’s doing quite a bit of damage to the whole “adorable-yet-down-to-earth-beauty” image I have of her. She doesn’t look like she’s slept in days, for one. Her mane’s all frizzled and there are bags under her eyes, and honestly, she’s starting to look like those thousands of years are beginning to weigh down on her, as if some weird process was keeping her young and hot that’s been undoing itself.

Plus, she’s trying to kill me in a homicidal rage, which is even less attractive than you’d think it’d be.

“DISCOOORD!” She screams behind me. I yelp and duck down the nearest hallway just as another blast of solar magic singes my tail feathers.

“That’s my name, don’t wear it out!” I yell back with a sheepish grin. She replies with a few more blasts from her horn, which I dodge effortlessly. “Oh come now, Tia, I know my jokes are bad, but they’re not worth killing anypony over.”

“RRRAAAAAGGGGH!” She screams and fires wildly, which I assume means: “I wish to politely disagree,” in crazy-bitch-ese. Luckily, all she manages to do is blow out a few of those stained glass windows she has up in damn near every corner of her pretty little palace, leaving a me-sized hole in her attack that I can slip through. Hurrying down the hall, I manage to find an unlocked door and throw myself through it, latching it shut behind me. It’s only then that I realize I’ve locked myself in a broom closet.

“Oh, of course,” I grumble, bracing my body against the door and snapping my fingers in a desperate attempt to summon some magic, any magic. A little, green spark flies up in the darkness, but that’s about it. So, my magic reserves have recharged enough to maybe hover, but still not anywhere near enough to teleport out of here. “Hoboy.”

The door bucks as Celestia throws herself against it. I throw myself back against her, holding her at bay. “Celestia, please, you need to calm down! Get a hold of yourself, woman!”

She responds by slamming her horn through the door, parting my hair down the middle. “I bet you think this is funny,” she yells, ramming a hoof through, this time narrowly missing my crotch. “I bet you thought this was all hilarious! Oh yes, just laugh at silly old Princess Celestia, just play with her heart and fake your death to get away!”

“No!” I reply, carefully twisting to get her hoof away from my tender parts. “I don’t think any of this was funny at all! Especially the death part!”

“Then why, Discord!?” She cries from the other side, taking a break from attacking my door to lean against it and sob. “Why did you do it!? Why did you tease me like that and then run away? Why did you make me think you were dead!? Why did you make me think…make me think that you loved me!? Why!?”

I sigh and lean my head against the door. I should’ve known. When Celestia called upon me to defend Equestria from nightmares outside this world, I had a feeling it would end badly for me. So, of course, before I made my final, suicidal charge, I needed a kiss from the pretty little princess. Too bad she still managed to show up for my final moments before I scattered myself throughout the multiverse to save my body from dying completely. That should’ve been it. That should’ve been the end of it. I should’ve just turned around and headed off to some other world and let this one think its friendly, neighborhood Discord had gotten himself killed in a spectacularly heroic fashion.

Instead, here I was, drained of magic, and with the one being in all of reality I didn’t want seeing me again chasing me around in a homicidal rage. Funny how chaos can blow up in your face like that. So darned funny I forgot to laugh. “Look, Celestia…”

“That’s PRINCESS Celestia of Equestria to you, vermin!” She screeches, half-heartedly punching the door again.

I smile and nod. “Alright, Princess Celestia of Equestria, I’m willing to explain everything, but no more hitting, ‘kay? Just let me say my peace without any threats or interruptions or any of that. After that, you can decide what to do with me. We have a deal?”

I hear her slump against the door and slide to the ground. At first, I’m worried that she’s worked herself into exhaustion, and then I hear her tired, ragged voice again: “Okay. We have a deal.”

“Okay,” I slump to the floor on my end, taking a seat, but with my back still braced against the door, just in case. “So, where do you want me to begin?”

“Start at the beginning,” she replied, her voice still icy and rage-filled, but even. I take that as a good sign. “Tell me when you changed. Tell me what happened to you that made you care enough to save my life.”

I smile wistfully at that. “Silly pony, I’ve always been that way. What, do you think I would’ve done anything to harm you or your ponies, even back when I first showed up here?”

I hear a sharp intake of breath on her end. “But…but you…”

“Shared the gift of chaos, that’s all. No more, no less.” I find myself scowling bitterly, to my surprise. “What, just because I turn a palace into a foodstuff, you think I’d also machine-gun some ponies down?”

“I…I don’t know…” she relents. “I never knew what to think of you. I guess…I guess I just assumed the worst after what you did.”

“Most people do that, assume the worst when I’m around,” I reply, casually putting my feet up, even though she can’t see me. “And y’know what? Nine times outta ten, they’re right.”

“And that one time out of ten?”

I get real quiet then. “I…I dunno…that’s the thing with chaos. I guess not even I know myself that well,” I admit, and already I’m hitting myself for revealing so much to her. I must be out of my Creator-damned mind! Here I am, this mysterious force of chaos bouncing around the metaverse, and I’m letting myself be psychoanalyzed by some Princess on a little magical world of ponies!? Out of my Creator-damned mind, but then again, that shouldn’t be a surprise.

“That’s…funny,” she replies with a small chortle.

“Yeah,” I give a tiny snicker of my own. It’s good to hear her laugh, even if it’s tiny and forced.

“So you’re saying you’ve always had a crush on me?”

My smile fades. “No, not always, that came later...”


Fifty years. It took fifty years of work, fifty years of concentration, fifty years of staring at the same freakin’ rose bush while pigeons did their business on my shoulder, before I managed to gain an iota of freedom. My body is still trapped in stone, but I can astral-project my consciousness out. Took a while to weaken the stone, though, but whatever it is, it’s better at holding something in the physical plane than the mental. Now, my spirit dances through the air in the Canterlot throne room, relishing in the freedom it has enjoyed for going on ten years now. It’s amazing; here I am, right in front of the Princess of Day, and she has no idea I’m here! No, she just keeps on working at her paperwork, pouring herself into everything she’s doing, always sacrificing her own happiness for others…

I slap myself and shake my head. I’m spending too much time in the castle; I should be outside, spreading my chaos to Celestia’s subjects! What the hell am I doing in here!? I quickly take to the air, shooting up over the parapets and hovering high above the streets of Canterlot. Spotting a crowded square that looks promising, I shoot down to street level and make my way past a few packs of ponies (wooh! Say that five times fast). Though it would be nice to have the power to turn a castle into breakfast items with a snap of my fingers again, you’d be surprised at how much I can get up to like this, even with my greatly diminished power. It just takes a little creativity.

Snaking my way through the squat little doors of a fancy-looking bank, I search around for an ideal target, somepony not paying attention, not focused on anything, leaving their mind open to a little bit of outside influence. This place is the kind where you need more money than God just to open an account. Y’know the type. It’s filled with uptight, rich, upper-class ponies, supposedly immune to the panic and looting that can happen with the lower class riff-raff. Oh, how wrong they are. I smile, spying a certain young stallion waiting at the end of the line, his eyelids drifting open and shut as slow as molasses. I have my target.

Snickering to myself, I coil my non-existent body around his head, bringing my lips up to his ears so I can whisper: “Whaddya mean the bank hasn’t got any bits left!?”

The young stallion perks up suddenly, and I just stand back and put my feet up, enjoying the show. Pushing his glasses up, the stallion rocks his weight to one side, then the other, dancing like a little filly waiting to use the bathroom as the line trudges onwards. Finally, he breaks out of line and strides up to the teller’s desk. The aging mare on the register looks up from her latest customer with a bored look on her face. “Sir, if I could ask you to get back in line,” she drones.

“I’m sorry, but I heard someone say there weren’t any bits left in the vault,” he replies, a hint of hysteria edging into his voice. “Is that true?”

The teller perks up, eyes widening. “I-I’m quite sure it isn’t, sir, where did you hear that?”

“Oh, you’re quite sure, but you’re not certain?”

“Wait a minute, wait a minute,” the pony behind the stallion says. “What’s this about there not being any money left?”

“I don’t know, I thought I heard…”

“Well, can’t you check!?” The pony asks. “I have a rather large dinner party planned and I need a lot of bits for my caterer!”

“I-I can’t sir, the manager is the only one with a vault key, and he isn’t in on Sundays!” The teller says defensively, trying to defuse the situation. She’s too late, though: the dominoes have already started falling.

“Wait, what’s this about there not being any money in the vault?” The second pony in line asks.

“Why wouldn’t there be any money in there? That’s impossible!” The third pony adds.

“How’re we supposed to withdraw the bits we have deposited!?” Pony number four chimes in.

“It’s a recession! I know it! There must be a recession coming, and the bank’s hoarding all the bits for itself!” Pony number five gasps.

That does it. Like a dam snapping under too much pressure, the entire line forms into a mob and inundates the teller’s desk, bombarding the overworked mare with panicked questions:

“Is it true!? Is there a recession going on!?”

“I want my money! Why isn’t the bank giving me my own goddess-damned money!?”

“Where’s the manager!? I demand to speak to the manager about this!”

“Ladies, gentlecolts, please,” the poor, overworked mare gasps, backing away from the desk as the crowd surges forward. “If you will all calm down, I’m sure I can call the manager and he can allay all your concerns…”

She trips over the cord powering her register, sending it crashing to the ground and spilling little rolls of bits all over the place. It’s like a wounded deer collapsing just outside a wolf’s den. The crowd vaults the desk, descending upon the register and tearing it open to get at the precious shinies inside, and meanwhile I’m just hanging in a back corner, pointing and laughing my head off (literally). All those rich, upper-class, hoity-toity types, crawling and rolling over each other, tripping themselves up like a bunch of drunks in a bar! It’s simply too much! And to think: all it takes is a little nudge, the tiniest little threat against the money purse, and a crowd of the most dignified ponies in Canterlot turn into a riot! Chaos is WONDERFUL!

And then that little teller trips over her own legs and sprawls over the ground in front of the mob just as one stallion shoves another out the way and triggers a chain reaction, setting off a veritable tidal wave of ponies aimed right at the fallen mare. “Of course,” I sigh, rolling my eyes as I reattach my head. Leave it to ponies to take things way too far.

Darting across the room, I blast my form against the gold-framed portrait of the bank’s founder hanging against the rear wall, hitting it with just enough force to dislodge it from its hangings. With a creak and a loud thud, the portrait lands right on top of the mare just as the first few ponies at the head of the crowd smash against it, the force of their blows distributed harmlessly by the painting’s wide body. I snicker when one distinguished-looking pony puts a hoof right through Mr. Founder’s mouth. It’s almost enough to rekindle the fun I’ve been having. Almost. But then the Royal Guard burst through the doors and start screaming orders, and as if a spell has been lifted, the ponies all back off, standing in shock at what they’ve done.

“Leave it to five-oh,” I grimace as I take my leave. As entertaining as it would be to watch all these rich types get hauled off in cuffs, I’ve already overextended myself. I can only remain away from my body for limited periods of time, you see. A day at most. Not enough to head off to other worlds, but as you can see, plenty of time to spread my own wonderful brand of magic to anywhere in Equestria.

As I ease back through the stone into my own body, I take a tally for the day: a ruined fruit cart from earlier, a half-dozen nobles skunked during an otherwise-lovely trot through the woods, a wrecked cash register, a smashed portrait, and a whole bunch of ruined dignity. I smile as I put my feet up, safe and sound in my own body again. Not bad for a day’s work.

I’m just about to head right back out when a familiar set of hoofsteps causes me to pause. I sigh and roll my mismatched eyes. She is coming for another one of her little “visits”.

Princess Celestia has really matured in the past half-century. I think that has to do with the responsibilities of governing, or some crap like that. I’d like to think she will pay for my imprisonment, but you know what? It’s about time I stopped kidding myself. Sure, the fantasies of dancing about in the flaming ruins of her palace as she sobs from the sidelines were entertaining for the first few years, but now it actually kind of…disturbs me. Creator, I hate to admit this, but I’m really uncomfortable with thinking about hurting that one pony princess, even after what she did to me. There, I said it. Happy?

As usual, she says nothing, just gazes up at me with those big, lavender eyes. I cringe. Yeah, I have a soul, surprise surprise, and seeing something that cute and beautiful in pain makes me…

Wait, beautiful!? Did I seriously just think that!? Hell no, negro! What’re you thinking, Discord, get your head together! I think, smacking my palm against my forehead.

“Hello again, old friend,” she says, speaking to me for the first time in ages.

Oh Creator, she’s really opening with that cliché!? Gag me with a spoon.

“It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I…hope your imprisonment hasn’t caused you much pain…”

Actually, I’ve been keeping myself rather busy with your citizenry, Tia! For example, did you know that a beam redirected from some filly’s magical misfire can have the same effect on a fruit stand as a giant microwave? I say to myself, still snickering. That was definitely one of my better acts of random chaos. Oh, there was watermelon pulp everywhere!

“I…I did the right thing,” she says suddenly, voice wavering, head down where her mane can cover up her eyes. “I know I did, for my citizens, but…but I know it must have been hard for you.”

Oh Creator, now we’re moving on to pity? Save it for someone who needs it, Tia!

“I-I heard about something today, there was this bank full of rich ponies that rioted because they thought there wasn’t any money in the vault. It reminded me of you. I wanted to come down here,” she smiles and shakes her head, eyes still on the ground. “I’m not sure why, I felt like I had to come down here and say…say I’m sorry…”

I perk up at that. She’s said she was sorry before, but this time there’s something else to it. More emotion. More pain. I wonder at that, what could hurt the Goddess of Day… but quickly shake my head and slap myself again. C’mon, Discord! You’re the Prince of Chaos! What’re you doing, all worried about the widdle pony princess!? Act your role, dammit!

“I-I’m so sorry, but I keep having to make these decisions and…” she looks up at me, and I can finally see the tears streaming down her face. “…and ponies keep paying for them. It’s all for the greater good, but I had to hurt you and now I’ve had to hurt Luna and…and she won’t look at me like she used to, Discord, she won’t…”

Breaking down into sobs, the Princess turns and gallops back to her castle. “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! I tried my best, Creator help me I did! I’m so, so sorry Luna! I’m so sorry…”

I take off just as her voice starts to fade away. Wait, Celestia! I scream after her in my non-existent, ethereal voice. You don’t need to be sorry! I get it! You were just doing what you thought best! I’ve been watching you and I’m telling you right now: whatever you’re dealing with, you’ll get through it because you’re strong and smart and clever and beautiful and…

I pause, my spirit sort of hovering in the air right at the entrance to Canterlot gardens. Memories of watching over her at night, her exhausted form resting after a long day, crawl into my mind. Gazing over her as she worked away on some treaty or another, sitting as an unknowable companion at her breakfast table…why did I do that? Why did I choose to watch this Princess while so much more chaos could have been unleashed against Equestria? Why does she make me run after her? Why does my stomach sink when she cries and my heart flutter when she laughs? Oh Creator help me, there’s only one possible explanation…

…and I’m in love with you. I realize, completely dumbfounded.

Oh, arse!


I rest my head against the door, breathing heavily, my story over. There. It’s all out in the open now. No taking any of it back, for better or for worse. Celestia’s silent for a few moments, processing my words. “You were watching me?” She asks eventually.

“Yeah,” I sigh. “Couldn’t help it. Whenever you were in court or listening to your little ponies’ myriad little concerns with all your effort, I couldn’t help but watch. You were always so dedicated, always giving everything your all, even when the nights were weighing down on you and you got so tired, you just kept going. Watching you work on despite everything was incredible, Celestia. I was…am in awe of you.” Wow. Who knew I was such a sentimental retard?

She’s silent again, but she comes back more quickly than last time. “Why did you leave, then? If you wanted me so badly, why did you leave?”

“You mean besides the obvious problems of the Spirit of Chaos and Discord falling in love with the Princess of Light and Harmony?” I snicker lightly. “We’re bad for each other, Princess. Even I can tell you that. And not just the usual bad either, but the kind of bad that could lead to death and civil war: the worst kind of chaos.”

“Then why fake your death?” She asks, her voice still low and quiet.

“Oh, that wasn’t fake, it was quite real,” I sigh, rubbing my temples. “Look, I don’t wanna get into details now, but in the event that I am incredibly close to death, I have this spell rigged to go off just before my body fails. It suspends my mind while scattering my body throughout the nether in the hopes that the pieces will find each other eventually and reassemble. Thing is, there’s no telling when that will happen, or how far away I’ll be.”

“But it can still take a few days?”

“If you’re very lucky, like I was. Otherwise, it could be centuries before you’re you again,” a shiver travels up my spine at that thought. Being trapped in stone for a thousand years is bad enough, but to miss those years entirely? To not even process their passing? To just wake up one day and find that time has passed you by so completely, and everything and everyone you once knew was all dust? Unthinkable.

A few more awkward moments of silence follows, ending only when she finds the question she’s been searching for: “Does it hurt?”

My ears perk up in surprise, and then I smile and shake my head. Compassion for others, even in the depths of her fury. I should have expected nothing less from the Princess of Day. “Yeah, it hurts. But it’s better than dying. And when I popped back in after those few days and saw everyone moving on, I figured ‘Why hang around? Why not stay dead?’”

A heartbeat later and she’s right in front of me, teleporting in a burst of white magic. “Oh, ARSE!” I scream and recoil, but then I realize the anger has faded from her eyes. All that’s left now is one very tired princess, looking down on me with so much sadness and…something else entirely that I can’t place.

“Just remembered you could teleport, eh?” I ask, a smile playing at the corners of my lips.

She nods. “Wh-who said I moved on?”

I blink in surprise. “I saw you at the ceremony all proud and tall and strong, and just figured…”

“One of the first things a politician learns is how to hide their true emotions,” she says, tears gathering in those tired, bloodshot eyes again. “I wasn’t alright, Discord. I was dying inside. There was so much pain and suffering and loss after you left, but you dying for me? Knowing you would still be here if it wasn’t for me…”

“Celestia…” I stand up.

“…that was the worst part: the absolute worst part. I’ve had guards sacrifice themselves for me before, but I knew it was to save an ideal, to protect the mare that protects Equestria. But you…” the tears are flowing freely now, dribbling onto the tile. “…you’ve never cared for any of that. I knew that everything you did for me, you did out of love. Not for Equestria. Not for some ideal. But just for me, for Celestia the pony. Nopony’s ever done anything just for Celestia the pony, and she couldn’t…I couldn’t…“

“Celestia,” I say, a bit more sternly.

“I couldn’t deal with that! I couldn’t get over knowing that!” She’s sobbing now, tears running out of eyes that, judging from their bloodshot appearance, have done their fair share of crying in the past week or so. “Nopony deserves to be loved like that, least of all me, least of all the mare that’s led Equestria down so many wrong paths…Nightmare Moon…Chrysalis’s invasion…so many mistakes…”

“TIA!” I bark, now standing over her.

“What!?” She asks, turning those big, bloodshot eyes on me again.

I smile, taking her chin in my talons. “Shut up,” I whisper, before closing my mouth over hers. By the smell of her, I can tell she hasn’t been maintaining herself. She probably hasn’t had a shower in a few days, and based on her breath, she hasn’t brushed her teeth all that often either. She smells like a hint of decay and chocolate cake. It’s intoxicating. She’s probably at her lowest, and I can’t get enough of her!

I stumble forward, her face cradled in my hands, and she goes limp, her body slamming against a shelf loaded with cleaning supplies. We slip on a puddle of dish soap and hit the ground, and I fall on top of her as cleaning powder rains down on us. I pin her wings to the floor and use them as leverage while I kiss her neck, her dirty, powdery, tangled mess of a neck, still a shining alabaster despite the crap falling all around us. She shivers, wrapping her hooves around my body and pulling me in for another assault on my lips, and that taste is overloading my senses all over again. That taste which should gross me out, but that I can’t help but to drink in, simply because it’s hers. I lap up as much as I can, slowly pulling away from her lips and kissing down her neck, along her narrow chest, down her slender form, towards her marehood, her entire body quivering beneath…

“Wait…” she says, her hooves gripping my horns.

“What’s wrong?” I ask, my chin resting on her stomach.

“Do you really want our first time to be in a broom closet?”

I grin right back. “In a broom closet, on the throne, in the middle of a park with everypony in Equestria watching. So long as it’s with you, I don’t care.”

Her eyes mist over again. She rubs at them with a hoof, a hitch catching in her throat. “You can be an incredible charmer when you want to be, do you know that?” She whimpers.

“Of course I do, silly,” I smile predatorily, planting a little kiss right there on her stomach. “I’ve just charmed my way right into your bed. Or…storage closet. Whatever you like.”

“Either way,” she interrupts, still smiling through the tears. “I want to get cleaned up beforehoof. I’m a mess.”

“I know,” I say, nibbling playfully at a bit of flesh on her side. “I love it!”

She shivers again, but pushes me away. “I want to clean myself up,” she says sternly. “Really. I’ve just started to realize how filthy I’ve let myself get.”

“Hmmph,” I pull myself off and cross my arms over my chest, pouting. “Well, fine, if you must.”

“Thank you,” she giggles, kissing me on the cheek before whispering in my ear, voice dripping with lust: “Just keep in mind you can do anything you want to me afterwards. Think of any twisted little fantasy you want, and we’ll see where the night takes us.”

“Well Princess, Ah do declahre!” I gasp in sarcastic shock. “Whatevah makes you think I’d have some sort of sick, twisted fantasy!?”

Suddenly, a light bulb flares up over my head. She stares curiously at the little glass orb as a devious smile crosses my face. “Actually, now that you mention it…” I say wickedly. “There is one little fantasy I’ve been having…”

“Name it, and it’s yours.”

My grin grows wider. “You will regret those words, Princess.”


Chaos is truly a wonderful and beautiful thing. Don’t EVER let anyone tell you different.

As I stand over the flaming ruins of Canterlot, I can’t help but grin. Throwing back my head, I allow a rain of scalding hot chocolate to soak my mane, basking in the sheer chaos of it all. This is my true power, fully awakened, fully summoned. This is chaos unleashed, not guided down the proper paths of funniness and harmless jokes, but simply allowed to be. I flare out my claws and laugh maniacally as the last of the ruins of Canterlot castle disappears beneath a flash flood of maple syrup.

“This is definitely not what I had in mind when I agreed to a little wish-fulfillment!” Celestia’s voice cries out over the raging clamor of her homeland collapsing around me. I smile and stalk towards the little chunk of rock where I left her, hooves bound in licorice, an iron collar around her neck secured to the ground. My own little pet.

“Oh come now, Princess,” I laugh, kneeling by her side and seizing the chain serving as her leash. “By now, you should know that the only thing you can expect around me is the unexpected.”

“Wha-what…” she stammers, clearing her throat as she looks up at me. “What happens now?”

“Now?” I grin maliciously, stroking a talon along her neck. She shivers at my touch, just the way I like it. “Now, I go and spread this message of chaos to every pony, diamond dog, changeling, griffon, and being in this land. No one will be spared. Not a single one.”

“No…” she gasps, breathlessly. “Please…”

“However, there is one thing that might make me reconsider,” I coo, trailing a talon through her mane. “Just one little thing that might spare your lands from my wrath.”

“Name it! Whatever it is you want, name it, and it’s yours!”

“You,” I say plainly, my hand closing around her chin.

She gazes up at me, the feathers on her wings quivering. “Me?”

“Yes, you,” I reply, tugging at the chain around her collar, pulling her bound form in close.

“I don’t…I don’t…” she starts, tears gathering in her eyes.

“Oh come now, Princess,” I laugh, wrapping my arms around her body. “You’re acting like you have any choice in the matter.”

“I…I…” she stammers, but eventually, she looks into my eyes with those big, gorgeous, purple orbs, her body relaxing, resigning her to her fate. “Okay.”


“Okay,” a hitch catches in her throat. I smile as our faces approach, our lips closing together. “Okay. If you want me, Discord, then please, just…take me…” She closes her eyes as I pull her in, our lips nearly touching. Her breath is a fine mint, her coat back to its normal alabaster. Not quite my preferred smell, but it’s hers, and that’s all I need, that’s all…

The door to our room bursts open. “Sister,” Luna says, striding in. “We have been very patient with you as of late, but we must now insist that you…”

The regal Alicorn sees me standing there; her sister’s lips maybe an inch from mine. Behind us, the wonderful scale model of a burning Canterlot I had constructed reverts back to a pile of pillows covered in a sheet. My illusion shatters in a heartbeat, and the burning landscape transforms back into Celestia’s royal bedroom, leaving just me, standing over the Princess of Day (bound in chains and confectionary, remember), just moments away from the mother of all make-out sessions. The night-blue Alicorn’s jaw drops, eyes racing between me, her sister, and back to me again. “Discord, what…”

“Ever hear of KNOCKING, LUNA!?” I scream indignantly, diving towards her. I grab the night-blue Alicorn and shove her out of the room, bolting the door behind her. Behind me, I hear a loud thud as Celestia loses her balance in her restraints and falls off the bed, faceplanting on the floor.

“Ow,” she grumbles, the chain around her neck rattling as she shifts her weight.

“Tia?” I ask, grinning sheepishly.

“Yes, Discord?” She asks, her voice muffled by a pillow.

“You okay?”

“Yes, Discord, I’m just fine,” she replies, turning over onto her back. I rush to her side, immediately removing the licorice around her hooves and unlocking the collar. “Well, that was…interesting.” She stretches herself out to loosen some of the tightness that had built in her muscles.

“Leave it to your sister, princess of cockblocks,” I grumble.

“She means well. She just wanted me to get out of bed,” she smiles, her eyes still misty. “She couldn’t have known.”

“Tia,” I trace a finger over her tear-covered cheek. “What’s this about? Why are you still crying?”

“Oh, that,” she smiles, quickly wiping her tears away. “It’s nothing Discord, trust me.”

I arch an eyebrow at her, my face deadpanning. “Don’t bullshit a bullshitter, Tia, you’ll just embarrass yourself.”

Sighing heavily, she sits up on her bed, wings splaying out behind her. “It’s just that…when you said you wanted me…Discord, I’m a Princess. I have an image to maintain for the sake of the ponies of Equestria, and that image almost always intimidates anypony around me.”

“Alroight, so?”

“So I never thought anypony would be able to look past that image and see something that they’d want,” she smiles, shaking her head at herself, crying like a filly over something so simple. “I never thought I’d hear anypony say those words in my life.”

I balk at that. Bleeding hell, that is just tragic. And hot. I mean, really hot. How does an almighty Alicorn princess play the part of the damsel in distress so well!? “Tia,” I whisper, taking her chin in my claws, turning her until she’s looking me right in the face. I smile. “I want you.”

Tears gather in her eyes again as I lay her on the bed as gently as possible. I kiss her, once for a little taste, then again to seal the deal. My hands grip her flanks and squeeze, and she gives a sharp intake of breath. “Discord…”

“Celestia…” My snakelike form wraps around her body, and I can feel her quiver with anticipation.

“Oh, Discord!”

“Oh, Celestia!”



“Wha…” she starts a split-second before a massive, melting, pillow-sized mallow smashes against the side of her face, covering her in sticky white goo. “Ugh, DISCORD!”

“What? Did you want hot chocolate with that?” I ask, holding out a steaming mug. She stares at me for a quick second, completely dumbfounded. I just smile and motion to the little cup in my claws. Eventually, she laughs and shakes her head, accepting and sipping daintily. I promptly guzzle my mug and toss the hot chocolate aside, shattering one of her windows.

“This is nice,” she says happily. “But I thought things would be going in a rather different direction.”

“Princess, what did I say about expecting the unexpected?” I reply smartly. “Besides, we need to talk about something.”

“And what is that?”

“How we’re going to make it so I can walk around Canterlot without your ponies breaking into an all-out panic. I have no intention of hiding out in your room 24/7, though I’m sure it would be quite entertaining for the first couple weeks.”

She blinks at me. “That is…surprisingly responsible thinking for you.”

“Princess…” I arch an eyebrow.

“Right, right, expect the unexpected,” she sighs, setting her mug aside. “Well, I suppose I could set up something with the Element Bearers. We could stage your ‘reformation’; make it look like they reformed you with a touch of friendship. That way, we could have their testimony to show the rest of Equestria that you have turned to good.”

“Yeah,” I perk, my eyes lighting up as I rub my hands together deviously. “Yes, perfect! Ooh, I can’t wait to see the look on widdle Twilight’s face when she gets this assignment!”

“Discord,” she looks at me sternly. “Be nice, now. These ponies have done a lot for Equestria, and Twilight happens to hold a very special place in my heart.”

“Oh, lighten up, Tia! You know I would never raise a claw against your ponies!” I grin maliciously. “At most, I’ll just whip out some good ol’ fashioned psychological trauma.”

“Discord…” her glare darkens.

“Alright, alright, fine! Maybe I’ll just…mess with some beaver dams, or something,” I grumble, arms folding across my chest as I pout.

She smiles and gives me a quick kiss on the cheek. “I love you, Discord.”

“Aheh, I…” I sigh, rolling my eyes. “I love you too, Celestia.”

“But really, having this discussion was a surprisingly responsible move!” She arches an eyebrow at me. “Especially considering what we were so very close to doing instead.”

“Oh, don’t get me wrong, I have every intention of rocking your world at some point tonight,” I reply, donning a handlebar mustache and black hat with cape. “But I just wanted to get that out of the way while we still had time.”

“Time? We have all night! We have nothing but time!”

Suddenly, the door bursts open again, Luna appearing in the room backed up by several squads of the Equestrian Unicorn Guard. “Discord! Release our sister from thine filthy claws immediately!” The Princess of Night screams.

“Ahh, expecting the unexpected,” Celestia says, a hoof tracing up to her chin thoughtfully.

“You’re learning!” I laugh as I throw her over my shoulder and, cackling like a madman, grab a rope from thin air to swing out the window I’d shattered earlier.

“DISCOOORD!” Luna screams behind me, adding a perfect backdrop as my cape billows out in the wind. Twirling my mustache back at her, I land on a rooftop and take off, the Princess of Day still over my shoulder.

“Couldn’t we just explain things to her!?” Celestia screams as we whip along the rooftops of Canterlot, scrambling over shingles and eaves as wild shots from the unicorn guard explode all around us.

“Now Tia, where would the fun in that be?” I ask knowingly, grinning as I come to a stop right on the terrace of a house overlooking the town’s square, cradling the Princess in my arms. Immediately, several ponies looking out their windows gasp in my direction and lock themselves inside. A few ponies down in the streets scream and panic, running in the nearest open doors. I sigh. Between the Princess of Night and these little jerks’ inherent xenophobia, this might be a bit more difficult than I thought.

“Discord?” Celestia asks, and I look down at her. She smiles and lays a hoof on my cheek, pulling me in for a surprisingly unexpected kiss. My eyes bug out as she smiles at me, those vermillion pools looking up into my red irises and seeing…something. Hell if I know. Something wonderful, apparently, something that makes her WANT to be with me. I shake my head and smile. And people say I’m the crazy one. “We’ll make this work. You’ll see.”

“Yeah,” I reply, looking into her eyes, feeling her heartbeat against my chest and realizing I would move the whole damned planet for her, in fact, had faced down a GOD for her! So shit, what was I complaining about? Compared to that, getting Equestria to accept its newest member should be a snap! “I AM THE NIGHT!” I scream happily, bounding off the rooftops and shooting along the streets.

“I love you too, Discord,” Celestia whispers in my ear. I grin as we disappear together into the darkness. This is going to be fun.

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