I sat on my new throne, bare naked while a human doctor looked me over, "Alright...and breathe...." the doctor commanded, holding a cold metal stethoscope to my sternum. "One, in, two, out, three, in, four, out." he chanted, tapping his finger against the back of the instrument. "And...you're dead."

I cocked my head and scratch my freshly cut hair, "...I'm dead? I woke up about two days ago, and I'm already dead?"

The doctor folded away his equipment, "Yes. I mean, from a human standard at least. I mean, your liver is poisoned to hell yet somehow functioning, your right eye should by all rights have untreatable cataract, your lungs are settled with something that looks like asbestos, and your heart is functioning with an arrhythmic beat. You sir, are a walking corpse."

I leaned mean head against my wrist, "So...am I going to die, am I healthy--"

The doctor just started giggling in that peculiarly German fashion, "I have no idea! I have no idea how you're not in the ground, I have no idea how you're standing, I have no idea how you're talking, but you are! It's rather fantastic."

The nobles that sat around the hall looked uneasy, Feros, the blue mane of House Iron stepped up. "Count...can I cut his head off? His laugh is disturbing."

The doctor looked at the fiery blue mare and straightened up, "At any rate...there's nothing I can do."

I rubbed my brow, "So...any advice? Anything I can do?"

The doctor stifled a laugh, "Look, not to put bad ideas in your head. But at this point, I don't think there's much that can kill you, short of exploding or shooting yourself." He turned to the exit, starting off on the long walk down the hall, "Now if you need me, I'm going to turn in my medical license and become a butcher!"

I shook my head, rubbing my brow against the bottom of my palm. "Sure...." I flipped him off with my free hand and started waving it at him, "Have fun...bye, alvedersomething...." I waited for the door at the far end of the room to slam shut and the two armed guards to take their positions before saying anything else, "Fucker...."

The small crowd of noble ponies bustled softly, Pyrrhic walking up to me, "So, nothing has been solved?"

I shook my head as one of my guards brought a towel over, "Nope-- err, no--"

Pyrrhic cut me off, "I learned Equestrian in Canterlot...among other things about your kind."

I turned to him with an inquisitive look crawling over my face, "Wait...Canterlot?"

Moon Light walked up to the steps, "Do you not remember? You sent one of each of the houses to Canterlot...."

I scratched my head and looked around the multicolored herd, "...Did I? Everything's a little fuzzy still."

A green maned mare stepped up, "You did. Carve An Arder, Feros Av Iron, Pyrrhic Av Crag, Moon Light, Bitter Dusk...a whore--"

"Stop, being, snippy!" I yelled, pointing at the dorkish mare.

She just rolled her eyes, "and Scriva Bian. I think your words were, cultural exploration, attempted accoutrement of useful subjects, getting Pyrrhic laid, your words not mine, and training."

I glared at the green maned mare, "Who are you again?"

She just leveled an annoyed look at me, "Scriva...Bian...."

I shook my head, "Doesn't ring a bell, but if you can tell me what the hell happened while I was gone I'll throw a feast in your name."

She looked at the other nobles, "...I want to be your archivist...."

"Deal."

The mare nodded sharply, "You disappeared as the trees shed their leaves. From there a power void nearly killed your wife, but she was smart enough to kill the ponies threatening her first."

I pulled at the bridge of my nose, "She killed ponies?"

Scriva nodded, "...Joshua Nuval and...Temper Av Iron. Both tried and executed for high treason a month after your departure."

The nobles nodded in unison, only the mare from House Dusk stepping forward. "Sapar Dusk, I was the only one here around for the execution...it was quite a show."

I took a deep breath, scratching myself from the other side of my towel, "Alright I get it, lawful killing and all that jazz...feudal hell. Now can we move on?"

Scriva pushed the sex mare out of the way, "Indeed. So...executions, your wife started to claim pregnancy despite your being human...then she started talking about something called The Rendin--"

"Okay, skip that part. I've already got a few doctors trying to figure out the pregnancy thing and the rending isn't important."

The group of nobles shifted uneasily, "At any rate...Pyrrhic brought a human back with him...and not long after she was showing signs of pregnancy too."

I cocked an eyebrow and looked towards the one eye'd stallion, "Got some?"

He grew a bit red and flustered, "I found...someone beautiful, and nice...I wasn't exactly expecting to end up a father again."

I threw my hands up, accidentally flinging the towel across the room, "Bitch, I was a foalsitter, then they drugged me like a bull, then I was a daddy, then a count, and now I'm a fucking vampire zombie thing! You think you've had it rough!?" I looked to the nearest pony guard, "Speaking of daddy.... You! Bring me a foal!"

The guard shifted uneasily, "Sir--"

"Get me one of my fucking kids!" I shouted, just short of throwing a tantrum, "I just wanna hold something cute alright!?" The guard looked flustered, setting his halberd down and wandering off towards the exit. "See...it's not hard people!" I stood up and found my towel again, "So...everyone can go get pregnant and eat when we're done. Now...what else?"

Scriva looked down at a paper in her hooves, "Countess An Arder started hiring military groups...unicorns, started selling large amounts of Transylmanian gold--"

I stuck my hands out, "Whoa whoa whoa, gold!?"

Moon light stepped forward once again, "Some humans brought dyn-a-mite, and found a huge load of dragon treasure buried in the mountain. We turned it over and used it to pay for the improvements."

The green mane nodded, "We set up schools, a few businesses, nothing too grand but enough to start things back up."

I let out a long sigh, "Why does it feel like I'm most useful when I'm not here?" Just as I was slumping over a guard flew in with a green foal wrapped up in his hooves, "Wait...Wayne?"

The foal shot out of the guard's hooves, kicking him in the jaw and shooting towards me like a bullet. "Daddy!"

"Oh shit!" I yelped, just before catching a flying forehead to the gut, "Fuh--" I groaned, catching Wayne like a football and sticking my foot out in pain. Before I could hold him back he snapped his head up and sank his fangs deep into my arm, "Ow...yep." I set my free hand on his back as he curled up on my lap and started chewing. "So...built an army...having a baby...running a country.... Am I just about caught up?"

Scriva started tapping her hoof on the stone floor, "Hmmm, treasury is stable, not great, but stable. The mercenaries were dismissed. There's now a few unicorns and earth ponies settled around, pegasi are staying away...which I think is for the best. And uh...you're back. So I think that's everything."

I pet Wayne's head, feeling him go slack against my arm. "It's never that easy. I mean...crazy shit seems to stick with me like white on rice."

The nobles looked around nervously, "Um...what's rice?"

I felt a hardy frown grow over my face, "...Moon, can you find some rice? I gotta go sort out Foxglove."

Moon Light followed me as I abandoned my towel, walking bare through the main hall and towards the private rooms of the castle. "I'm sure we can. But...there is a matter, made all the more important by the recent development of...your...pregnancy."

I froze in place.

On one condition...a night of intimacy when I ask of it. On one condition...a night of intimacy when I ask of it. On one condition...a night of intimacy when I ask of it.

"Shit." I said without any emotion, only pure exposition. "Shitty shitington. This is about the sex isn't it?"

She closed her eyes and nodded, "Yes, pale, yes it is."

I hugged Wayne tight against my chin and stared at the ceiling. "Look...I was a little crazy back then, maybe I--"

Moon Light glared at me. "Pale, you gave your word that if I kept you alive...you'd offer up a night alone with me. And, not to...how you say, brag, but three attempted assassinations you never heard about." she dusted herself off with her hoof, her silver mane jostling as she struck a proud pose, "And I didn't even have to kill anypony."

I let out a strange whine, "Wayne...I'm sorr- ass!" I yelped as he adjusted his bite and sank his teeth just to the left of the previous bite, "You're just a little asshole ya know that?!"

Moon Light rolled her eyes and walked up to me, "You fed this habit. I have seen many a parent refuse to teach their foals not to bite...and now this is your reward."

"I know! Stop judging my drugged up parenting, I already know!" I sacrificed my right arm and looked to the door. "Look, you want that night, I want to check on my wife, we all want thi--"

"You promised."

I stopped, swinging free in the cold winter air. "Look. Later, okay?"

Moon Light stepped on my toes, "If you do not...I will rip your meat off...with my teeth."

I stepped aside, staring at the silvery mare as I walked towards the door. I kept my mouth shut, not really wanting to antagonize her and actually risk losing my johnny.  I carried Wayne through the dull grey stonework of Arder, getting a few strange looks from the maids and guards. I ignored them, as clear as my head was I just couldn't be assed to wear a towel around my own house. These people thought I was dead, seeing me naked would hardly be the worst possible thing.

The only downfall was it was slightly cold out, and my body was going to be less than impressive until I warmed up. And Wayne boring a hole in my arm was far more interesting.

The walk through the castle was rather confusing, but I eventually found my way and spotted a unicorn and a human looking at a piece of paper. "Hey everybody, was ist los?"

Foxglove popped out from behind the two, "Ben...what?"

I yanked Wayne off my arm, tossing him like a football towards the human, "What's up?"

"Oh god it's on my leg!"

Foxglove hurried to the doctor and tore Wayne away, "Can you not throw your son like a missile?"

I shrugged, "He basically is a missile. Anyways...baby?"

Foxglove set Wayne down and scooched him away, "Yes, they're making a picture of what they think it will look like. And why are you pant-less?"

I shrugged, "Doctor had to look me over."

"And?" She asked, circling me, red tail sweeping around me as she did. "What's the deal?"

"I'm dead."

"Huh?"

I nodded, "He said I was effectively dead, but not. He wasn't very helpful."

Foxglove stopped before me and looked me up and down, "Well, aren't you going to say something?"

I scratched my head, "There's a lot to say...what about?"

Foxglove looked at the ground and tapped her hooves, "I'm not trying to...attack you, I'm not biting you, I'm being good."

I looked at the unicorn with the drawing, "Yes. You are. Hug?"

Foxglove let out a long huff, "Yes...."

I ducked down, waiting for her to rear up and holding her against me. The usual warmth was increased ten fold around her belly, her soft coat gentle against my skin. I ran my fingertips along the inner base of her wings, causing them to shoot out. "Ben...don't leave again. I don't think I could handle that."

I gave her a few pats, scratching the coat under her wings, "I'm not planning to." I stood up, turning to the unicorn. "So what's the plan?"

The unicorn looked up at me, smiling and showing off two fangs, "It's interesting. Here."

I took the picture, frowning a little before smiling. "Pony legged human?"

The unicorn cocked his head, "Why not a human torso'd pony? I mean, we have no idea what the internals are going to look like."

I turned away from the picture. "I'm the Count...indulge my- my--" I felt my face sour at that word, "My kid...my kid." I rubbed the side of my head. Wayne was my child, but this was blood, this was going to be part of me. "I uh...Foxglove, I'm naming them--"

Foxglove nodded, "It's a her...for the record."

I took a shaky breath, "Wight." I muttered, "Now I think I'm gonna go take a seat. I feel a little tired."